The car door slammed harder than Zetsu's weenie. Glass shattered crudely, falling to the ground with small tinkling noises of despair. "Love muffin," Sasori the puppet hoarsely cried, scurrying to exit the car and follow his blonde boy toy. "Please, let's just talk about this!"
"There's nothing to talk about, my man." Wind groped at Deidara's rosy cheeks, tears swelling beneath his large blue eyes as he looked out into the sunset. He refused to look at his snuggle puppet, not now...not with the circumstances. "There's just...nothing to say. Hnng."
Sasori blinked back nonexistant tears, as his tear ducts were currently in the shop. Waves smashed against the rocks beneath the towering cliff, hissing and curling backwards into the sparkling sea. The sun danced wildly against the otherwise peaceful ocean surface, as well as against Deidara's angelic presence. He was beautiful, Sasori thought. Beautiful, and in pain.
They stood in silence. Sasori spent the moments taking in every detail of the explosive terrorist's fine ass, Deidara spent the time in thought. Neither dared break the tension, at least not until Deidara finally turned around.
His cloak barely covered the throbbing boner daring to tear through his Abercrombie and Fitch designer skinny jeans and his eyes were swollen from each tear he had shed. Just below the hem of the hot pants, a grotesque bite scar stood out with vibrant blue and green shades. It looked really bad, like he seriously should go and see a doctor holy shit. "You know," he said softly, cracking a faint smile over his plush lips. "I guess it was unavoidable."
Sasori choked on a sob, forcing himself to remain where he stood rather than embrace the tall hunkie chunk in front of him. "Deidara…?" He returned the smile, now shirtless and somehow moist.
"Sex machine..." He took a step forward with a slight limp, preparing to engulf Sasori's mouth with his own. This time Sasori didn't hold back - he had been limiting his passion for years, there was no longer a desire to wait. He jolted forward, arms outstretched. Yards became feet, feet became inches, they were so close to climax -
"HEY FUCKERS!" Hidan fell from the sky, using Kakuzu's hide as a parachute from whatever heights he had leaped from. Kakuzu, fortunately, had sewn 100 dollar bills under his armpits to form a sort of flying-squirrel like skin flap out of money, thus making his carcass a remarkable form of skydiving gear. With an unfortunate miscalculation, however, Hidan's legs crashed into Deidara's figure and sent the blonde male model flying off the side of the cliff. Sasori screamed, running to catch his lover's hand in time.
"My...My man…!" Deidara stammered, holding on tightly to Sasori's gross artificial flesh.
"Just hang on, Deidarling! I won't let anything happen to you!" Sasori cried. His arm socket popped suddenly, warning them both of the inevitable. Time was of the essence now, as Sasori was a very poorly made boy.
"No...No you have to let me go...Your arm cost like $15, that's so inconvenient to replace!"
"I...I can't! Deidara, I'll never let go!" Sasori's voice cracked under the pressure.
Deidara's face softened, "It'll be okay, my little dick man. You just have to remember me, alright? Remember the best parts of me."
"Your...your hands are so large. L-like," Sasori choked back a sob, trying to recall his favorite bits of his terrorist bf. "Like so unnaturally huge."
Deidara cracked a smile, "all the better to fist you with, my man." And with that, he let go. He released Sasori's nasty fake hand skin and allowed himself to fall. His boner flapped against the wind silently, his hair encased his soft face like a tomb, and he fell. Sasori screamed, reaching out to grab him again, but it was too late. Deidara's body crashed into the rocky shore below and he was gone.
"Well fuck," Hidan coughed, leaning over just enough to peek beyond the cliff edge. He had discarded the Kakuzu chute and dusted off his booty shorts. "Shit balls man, I'm sorry about that. Hey do you have 20 hot bucks I could bum off ya? I'd rip it from Kakuzu's smelly asscrack but that shitfuck's only carryin' hundreds and it's so fuckin tedious goin and exchanging that shit you know what I mean? Like FUCK man, just CARRY A FUCKING FIVE DOLLAR BILL ONCE IN YOUR LIFE YOU CHEAP ASS BITCH!"
Sasori picked himself up off the ground, wiping some pebbles and dirt from his bare pecks. "Yeah I think I got some cash in the car," he shrugged and led Hidan back to the Sedan. "What do you need it for?"
"THE MCRIB IS FUCKING BACK!"
Back at the hot hideout, the gang dug into their McMeals vigorously. Konan fed Pein carefully in his high chair, Kisame slapped 3 raw salmons on top of his sandwich as Itachi spoonfed mashed potatoes to a portrait of Sasuke (may he rest in peace), and Hidan stood in the center of the table doing erotic yoga poses for Jashin to bless the meal as Kakuzu read the receipt angrily. As Tobi gingerly removed the meat byproducts from Zetsu's sandwiches, per the plant man's request, Deidara cleared his sexy throat.
"Now as you all know," he said as smoothly as a cucumber ground up in an X-Lax fetish dream. "I died earlier today."
"LITERALLY NO ONE WAS AT FAULT." Hidan yodeled as he crouched down over Konan's meal like a crab.
"Debateable," Deidara winked, "but there's no room for blame on this love train. However that doesn't resolve the big issue, the big wang dang looming over this gang: who are we going to use to replace this hot, explosive personality?"
Sasori shook his head thoughtfully, "Big shoes to fill, big big shoes. Also a penis. Your penis is very large and admirable, that's gonna be a tricky thing to fill too. Unlike my ass, which-"
"YOU KNOW, LITERALLY EVERY CONVERSATION WITH YOU FUCKING NOOBS REMINDS ME THAT HANGING OUT WITH OLD, CRUSTY ASS PLEBS LIKE YOU LOSERS IS LITERALLY AS FULFILLING AS GETTING PINCHED ON THE CHEEK BY A HOT BABE AND GETTING CALLED "BABY BROTHER" LIKE WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO GET FRIENDZONED LIKE THAT? NO ONE! AND NO ONE WANTS TO HANG OUT WITH YOU WEIRDOS! KONAN, LET'S BLOW THIS FUCKING POPSICLE STAND AND MAKEOUT IN FRONT OF THE NERDS IN MY CLASS."'
Grabbing ahold of Konan's hand much like a small child would his mother's, Pain squirmed his way out of his high chair and stomped out of the dining room. The silence that followed their exit was heavy as everyone in the Akatsuki looked at one another with dangerous concern. Were they… losers? Just before Kisame could start crying, Deidara cleared his throat once more.
"On to more important things: me." His grin returned and he flipped his greasy bangs out of his face. He hadn't washed his hair in 3 months so it sort of clumped together like a disgusting blonde turd and slapped Sasori in the face as it flew through the air. Sasori gagged at the horrendous stench, some of the dandruff got into his mouth. Oh no, he thought, I can't shit that out later o-Oh no…! It'll be inside of me forever! The puppet boy silently excused himself from the room to cry in private.
"I've decided," continued Deidara, "to hold a beauty pageant to determine my replacement. You're all welcome to join of course but just know," he paused while handing out the pageant flyers, "I'm one strict judge."
Hidan finished his ritual dance and hopped off the table to grab a pamphlet. He scratched his head curiously as he read the scribbles on the page. They were indecipherable, clearly it was written by Deidara's mouth hand. Drool oozed from the soaked paper and dribbled onto Hidan's fingers. The pottymouth pope grimaced, he would not be jacking his rod with that hand tonight.
From what could be read, however, the flyer said:
SEXY? BLONDE? WILLING TO WEAR WIG? OK WITH LIGHT BONDAGE? INDIFFERENT TO THE MONA LISA? SORT OF SEXIST? YOU MIGHT BE A GOOD DEIDARA REPLACEMENT! COME ON DOWN TO THE SUPER SECRET AKATSUKI HIDEOUT (address listed below) AND SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT!
"Oh shit-" Hidan's face lit up, "I match ALL of these fucking requirements dude I'm totally the next motherfucking wood sucking piece of shit for this club! Sign me the fuck up-"
"HEY ASSHOLE," a sharp voice barked at the disgusting half naked cultist. "No cutting, the line's back there!"
Hidan looked up to see a massive line that had somehow formed within seconds. It led all the way out of the hideout's front door and down the street. An entire news crew had flown in and were stationed just outside, broadcasting footage of the crowd that had gathered to "show Deidara what they got." Contestants with emotional stories were being interviewed, sponsors were cashing in on the exposure millions of dollars at a time, and Simon fucking Cowell shoved past everyone to take his place at the judge's table.
At the front of the line, a small ginger child's squeaky voice reflected off of a mic being held to his face by a moderately attractive reporter. "I'm not here to make friends," Pain squeaked. "I'm here to WIN." He tossed Konan a harsh glance from across the line. She returned the glare with full force. This competition had torn them apart.
Suddenly the doors to Deidara's bedroom swung open and the bodacious blonde himself strut inside. His skinny jeans were now so tight that his boner had to literally tear a hole through the crotch just to breathe and his designer graphic tee said "Bazinga." Around his neck sat one of those scene ass scarves you find at Claire's or Hot Topic or some shit. Pulling down his Gucci shades just enough to peak over the top, Deidara popped out his hip and clicked his tongue. "Let's get started."
After a number of contestants and a short commercial break to advertise the new Sasori blow up doll line, a familiar face waddled into the audition hall.
"Oh," Deidara grinned, and leaned forward in his seat. "Kisame I had no idea you were such a fan of my work, I'm actually flattered that you would-"
Suddenly the massive shark man crouched and allowed Samehada to crawl out of his ass. It was wearing a stringy blonde wig and had somehow managed to spawn mangled arms with slobbering hands on the ends of their stubs out of its body. The sword beast shrieked wildly and flopped on the floor, thrashing in every direction and shattering the stage lights and the glass holding Simon fucking Cowell's apple juice.
"BY THE BUNS OF BEYONCE-" Deidara screamed like a small child and jumped back out of his seat. His exposed boner jiggled madly at the sudden reaction and slapped Simon in the face. Simon, who was already emotionally distraught from losing his juice, was thrown out of his chair and onto the floor. Unfortunately, he landed in the middle of Samehada's war path and ended up getting absorbed by it's gaping mouth. After the agonizing screams that radiated from the angry British man finally ceased and Samehada's rage had been soothed, the now dark room went quiet. At least, aside from the slow applause coming from Kisame's massive bara hands. Tears were streaming down the sharkie's face as he hollered and cheered for his overgrown chakra monster.
"Encore!" He shouted, "Gimme an encore baby!"
Deidara immediately jumped, "N-no there's no time please… Please leave for the love of fucking christ oh my GOD," at this, Samehada scuttled back into Kisame's tight blue buns. A small hiss echoed out of his asshole.
"Hoo, boy geez I can already tell you who I'm voting for!" Kisame laughed and exited the stage.
Before he was fully gone, however, a small noise pooted behind him. It was faint, but it was loud enough that Deidara could make out the small words. Just five little words that left the stage like a ghost whispering in the blonde boy's ear. A haunting voice that said…
"It's a no from me."
Once the lights were replaced and the now singular judge took his seat, the next contestant strode into the room with gleaming confidence.
"Name?" Deidara asked with a faint smile. He was admiring the gleaming midriff that reflected the lights like a disco ball. Too distracted by the pale beauty's core, Deidara failed to notice that the enticingly hot bod belonged to none other than the third Hokage.
"You can go ahead and call me...Pappy." The third Hokage blew a kiss in Deidara's direction. He sensually readjusted his sequined tube top to show more cleavage. This guy...he had it all. The balding grey hair, the saggy breasts, the piss poor parenting skills...It was clear that Deidara had struck gold.
"Pappy…" Deidara repeated, allowing his grin to expand since his schlong couldn't get any larger than it already was. "I just have a few questions for you, Pappy. First, what is your definition of art?"
The third Hokage twirled a finger in his wiry dead hair, pondering the inquiry carefully. "Oh, well, I suppose to me art is," he paused, winking at the judge. "A pod of one million snakes tied in a neat little bow around Itachi Uchiha's naked body all singing Hollaback Girl."
Deidara furrowed his brow curiously, "I'm sorry could you repeat that?"
"O-Oh, I mean...Art is a bang." The third Hokage stuttered, shifting his weight nervously. Suddenly the doors slammed open and a squad of small black op ninja crammed their way inside.
"Stand back!" They yelled and pointed at the hot pappy on the stage, "that's no Hokage! That's Orochimaru!"
Orochimaru hissed wildly and scampered up the wall with loud ticking sounds, "CURSSSSE YOU HIDDEN LEAF! I'LL GET THAT UCHIHA NEXT TIME! MARK MY WORDSSSSss" His hissing faded as he hurried down the ventilation shaft and into the unknown.
Deidara's face dropped. He really thought he had caught a winner there for a second… Ever since Sasori had left to pursue his sex toy brand line, Deidara's sex life was at an all time low. Darn.
Several thousands of contestants passed as the days flew by like a horribly crafted clay bird. People waited for hours to prove their worth, to show that they had what it takes to be the sexiest blonde sass master with a large schlong and a tendency to cry at constructive criticism. They bled their souls out on that stage, begging the blonde beauty before them to recognize that they have felt his pain, they have lived his turmoil, and they know his essence. They screamed "I am your protege, I can fill your pants and shoes, I will make you proud." But, with every audition, Deidara lost a little more hope. No one could satisfy him. No one loomed quite as large and as handsomely. No one...could fill his place among the Akatsuki.
It was down to the last audition. The babe magnet was anxious that this contestant would be just as disappointing as the rest and he steeled himself against that possibility. Be ready to fail in your search, my man. He thought, it's ok that you're too good to replace.
The doors opened and the contestant walked inside. Deidara's eyes widened and his heart skipped a beat. This person...this wonderful, gorgeous human being- no, this god was the one he had been searching for. "You…" he whispered with disbelief, "What is your name, beautiful stranger?"
"It's me," the man smiled with a deep voice that was smoother than Zetsu's asshole. "Deidara."
It was then the artist realized he was staring at his own reflection. No, more than that, he was staring at his clone. The flowing golden locks that draped around this gorgeous man's shoulders twirled in the air as the look-alike tossed his head; he was straight out of a Loreal commercial. He was worth it.
"But...how?" Deidara asked himself, taking in every beautiful detail and realizing his arousal was off the charts. "How can this be?"
The clone ran a mouth hand through his hair, leaving behind a streak of hand saliva along the side of his head. He slowly and gracefully began to walk towards the judge's table, leaning over to pull Deidara in for a sensual kiss. Just before their trembling, plush lips met, he whispered. "Wake up fucknuts..."
"Wh-what?" Deidara asked, pulling away.
"You're in a fucking coma dumbass wake the fuck up before I cram my whole entire foot up your ass and pull out your anus to use as a fucking prolapsed drum."
A white light suddenly smacked Deidara in the face as his eyes flew open. The stage dissolved into blinding blank walls and a soft beeping echoed in his ears. Looking around madly, Deidara saw that he was in a hospital bed surrounded by his good sexy chums. "Where...Oh my…" He gasped, taking in every face with confusion.
"OH THANK FUCKIN JASHIN I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD FOR SURE!" Hidan screamed and slammed his fists into Deidara's chest, making him gasp for air and choke up copious amounts of mystery fluids. "HOO MAN I CAN NOT GO THE FUCK BACK TO PRISON HAHA I WAS WORRIED FOR A SECOND THERE!"
"God he's fine can we go home now it's almost my bedtime and I wanna snipe some fucking n00bs before I catch those Z's" Pain whined, sitting at the foot of Deidara's bed and wearing nothing but a diaper.
Deidara stammered, "B-but wait, I...I can't have been in a coma...It was all so real, I don't understand!"
Sliding past the wall of Akatsuki hunkies and stradling Deidara's crotch, Tobi began to explain everything. "Deidoodoo-chan, see, you've been in a coma for the past 6 months. You were thrown off of a big ol' cliff there bucko, and you bumped your head pretty hard-"
"ABSOLUTELY NO ONE IS TO BLAME" Hidan screamed from outside the window. He was already making his escape before Deidara could press charges. Unfortunately, they were on the 67th floor so he immediately fell to his death. No one noticed.
"Righto sensai-kun, and while normally the doctors could have patched you up all fine and dandy there," Tobi continued with his deep and intimidating tone, "It turns out you had caught a good ol' case of the mysterious contagion that has yet to be identified. You went straight into a coma the second they introduced antibiotics into your bloodstream, if you'd believe it - the darnedest thing."
Deidara gasped, "What- what's this about a mysterious contagion?"
"You see," Zetsu rose from the floor beneath the bed and fused with Deidara's lower body. The blonde boy screamed in agony and surprise as the plant man literally stood up through him and appeared from absolutely nowhere. His organs were shifted by the sudden introduction of a foreign object melding with his torso and his heart monitor went wild. The beeping was so obnoxious, it was clear that Deidara was going into shock. Nurses ran down the hall at top speed to recover their patient, but somehow the door to Deidara's room had been locked. They pounded on it aggressively, trying to break in and recover the crashing boy inside, but the damn thing wouldn't budge. Doctors and medical staff slammed their whole bodies into its wooden frame and hinges, making every attempt to break the door down, but nothing worked. Suddenly the loud beeping stopped and a flatline tone escaped from behind the barrier. He was gone. The doctor on staff called it, time of death 19:36.
"If you'll recall last Thanksgiving," Zetsu continued, "A lot of things happened… A lot of things that I, personally, am not proud of." He let his eyes scan the solemn faces in the room. Their forgiveness was not yet ripe. "Among those things, I apparently bit you. And not in the good sexy way or anything...but in the nonconsensual bad way."
Itachi, who had been sitting in the corner silently with Kisame on his lap, spoke up. "We believe Zetsu's bite may have transferred some sort of toxin into your system."
"Yeah like, that massive boner you've been strutting is way too fucking random to be natural." Kisame scoffed. "Like at first we thought you were just trying to copy Zetsu or something so we all thought you were a punk ass bitch loser or whatever and we would make fun of you behind your back and talk about how gross your leg was getting and stuff, but it turns out the plant man here might have given you the schlong flu! Crazy right?"
Deidara swallowed silently, taking in everything that was being said. Could it be true? Could his massive erection be nothing more than a symptom of his gross infected leg bite? "I can't… believe it…" he whispered.
"Believe it, Deidara." Zetsu crawled up and coddled Deidara's head. He began to softly stroke his hair before leaning in uncomfortably close and whispering, "We're boner brothers now."
Deidara passed away from an untreated leg infection two weeks later.