AN: Hello my lovelies! Miss me? I missed you too. It's been so busy for me between school, visitors, step-daughters, contests, etc etc… Honestly, I'm amazed I was able to get this out to you! I did mention that I was starting classes last time I updated (I think, anyway), so updates will come when I'm not bombarded with school work. I promise! For those reading Due to a Stalled Train, I am about halfway done writing that chapter, so hopefully that will be out soon.

On that note, I am also judging the Dead Pan Contest for the Southern Vampire Mysteries. I know many of you don't read anything other than Twific, but you MUST read these one-shots, they are hilarious. We are also encouraging people to write SVM/Twi crossovers, so get those pens (computers/laptops even) out and send something our way. For more information, check out:

http://www.fanfiction.net/~deadpancontest (remove spaces)

The stories are all there. Also, I wrote a sample fic for the contest. Read that as well.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5863345/1/Dead_to_the_Universe (remove spaces)

Now, on with the story… As usual, many thanks to ARenee363 and Zhivago3 for being my eyes on this one.

Disclaimer: Don't own, never will. Except the plot is mine, don't think many of you would want this Edward. *wink*

Chapter 14 – Stuck in a Moment You Can't Get Out Of

BPOV

"So, tell me a little about yourself, Bella. We didn't get a chance to really talk in your first session last week since it was all formalities and paperwork."

My head was down, my hands clasped tightly in my lap to keep them from shaking, as I sat in the chair opposite my therapist. I had an appointment the week before, but when I had arrived, he had been called away on an emergency. We had time for quick introductions before he left. Now, I was sitting here and I had no idea where to start.

I was nervous talking to a complete stranger about my problems. Alice and Edward, and now Zafrina, were the ones I spoke to when I had any issues. They understood me, or at least I thought they did. I relied on Alice often to be my sounding board, but I knew she couldn't always be there for me. She was, after all, Edward's sister. She was my best friend and she supported anything I did, but I knew she was still loyal to her brother.

Edward … I could talk to him, when we were together. He knew me better than anyone, but he betrayed me. He was part of the reason I was seated in this small office. Well, he and Zafrina. Zafrina urged me to see a therapist. She told me I needed an unbiased person to listen to me air out my issues. Someone to help me come to terms with everything that had happened to me—someone who had nothing vested in my life other than taking a couple of hundred dollars from me. Thank goodness for insurance!

"Well, Dr.-" I could barely hear myself speak over my pounding heart.

"Please, call me Marcus. I want you to be comfortable with me. Doctor sounds so … formal," he smiled.

It was a warm smile and I felt some of the tension in my shoulders ease. I let my eyes roam down his body, taking in his posture. He wasn't that young, but he wasn't old either. I would put him at about fifty. He had salt and pepper hair, cut short. His soft, blue eyes had crow's feet at the edges. That was always a good sign in my book. He was dressed casually, just a pair of khakis and a white shirt with the sleeves rolled up. One leg was crossed over the other and he was slightly slouched. He looked like any normal guy off the street.

"You don't have a notebook. Aren't you supposed to right down everything I say?"

"I told you I want to make this as comfortable as possible for you. I do however record my sessions so I can review them later. If I have any questions from what was discussed I'll ask during the next appointment," he answered. "I want you to be as open and honest as you can be and I find that a more casual environment helps." I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding. I felt more at ease with him.

"Oh, okay," I nodded. "Well, I'm not sure where to start," I told him honestly.

He smirked. "Most people don't. It's always hard to get started. You're nervous, you're afraid, it's understandable. So let's start with something easy." He thought for a moment. "How was your weekend?"

I raised an eyebrow at him and he responded with small wave of his hand for me to proceed. So I did. I told him about Alice's wedding and how she managed to have me involved even though I wasn't physically present.

"Why weren't you there? Why a webcam?" he asked.

"I couldn't make it," I lied.

"Why couldn't you make it?"

"I… I just couldn't," I shrugged. I suddenly felt like a small child being admonished by her teacher.

It was his turn to cock his brow at me. "Couldn't or wouldn't? How close is Alice to you?"

"She's my best friend. I would do anything for her and vice versa."

"Except go to the most important event in her life?" he asked more than stated. I sunk low in my seat. He was making me feel ashamed for what I had done, and…he was right.

"I just…" I paused. I had no idea why I wasn't being honest with him. Everything said in the room was confidential. He wasn't going to judge me, he wasn't going to make fun of me for being childish. I needed to grow up. "My ex was there," I answered truthfully.

"And who is your ex?"

"Edward. He's Alice's brother." He nodded and waited for me to continue because he knew I would. "I was engaged to him. We were together for ten years before we broke up."

"Why did you break up? Ten years is a long time to be together and then engaged. What happened?"

Then the words just spilled out of my mouth. I told him about my almost wedding and how Edward "came clean" at the altar. Before I knew it, I was reliving the day all over again—the hurt, the embarrassment and of course, all the tears. Marcus handed me a tissue to wipe my eyes.

"Bella? Bella? It's okay. That day is over and unfortunately so is our time for today."

I dabbed my eyes again. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean-" I began to apologize, embarrassed of my behavior.

"Enough of that. You have nothing to be sorry about. You are here for a reason. You are free to feel anything you want. You are free to cry for the whole hour if that is all you want to do. There is no shame in that," he encouraged.

"Thank you," I said softly.

%%%

"I want to talk more about your friend's wedding …" began the next session with Marcus. "You mentioned that you were there via webcam." He emphasized there with air quotes.

"Yes, I was technically part of the wedding party. Alice even paid to have my hair done and sent me a dress as well," I snorted. "That woman plans for everything. I love her though," I smiled.

His hands were in clasped together in front of his face, his forefingers touching. I could see the corners of his mouth turn up in a small smile. "We all have that one friend that'll do anything for us, don't we?" I nodded. "Did you see Edward?"

I sucked in a deep breath. It seemed Marcus liked to cut to the chase. I never preferred peeling the band-aid off quickly, but I guess sometimes it was necessary.

"He was there."

"How did you feel seeing him? When was the last time you saw him?"

"A few days after our wed—a few days after we broke up." I couldn't say wedding, we never actually married and we did break up that day.

"So this was the first time you'd seen him in a few years?" he asked and I nodded. "How did you feel?"

"Honestly?"

"The only person you need to be honest with is yourself," he stated, giving a faint shrug as if everyone knew that bit of adage. He was right though, if you lied to yourself, you could easily lie to anyone else. That includes hiding feelings, something I did often when I was with Edward. So I went for truth, knowing it was a habit I needed to get myself into.

"I was nervous as hell," I started. "I mean, I knew he wasn't going to be physically present in front of me, but I was going to see him for the first since I left him. Not only that, but I was also introducing Zafrina to everybody. It was … nerve-wracking to the say the least." I touched my stomach. "I could feel the butterflies fluttering. I even threw up a couple of times before Zafrina arrived," I admitted.

I had to give it to Zafrina though, she had kept me calm, reminding me that it was just the two of us, no one was around, except on the other side of a computer.

"How did the introductions go?"

I groaned thinking about how Edward found out about my relationship with Zafrina.

Zafrina sat down next to me and pushed a loose tendril behind my ear. "I'm here for you. And if makes you feel any better, I'm excited that you invited me and we will have fun," she assured me.

My smile grew larger and I leaned in to give her a kiss. I was happy that she was with me. I couldn't ask for a better, more supportive girlfriend.

It was then that I realized we could be seen from the other end. I hadn't noticed Emmett and Edward had appeared on the screen until Emmett's declaration of, "Dude, that's hot!" I blushed furiously and glanced at Edward. I saw several emotions pass over his face—anger, jealousy— but hurt seemed to be the most prominent.

"Edward was the only one who didn't know about Zafrina. I had asked Alice not to tell him."

"Why not?"

"I was afraid of how he would react. I also didn't want him thinking that he was the reason I was…" I waved my hand, "whatever I am now."

"Hmmm…" he hummed.

"What?" I asked, nervous I said something wrong.

Marcus shook his head. "Nothing, please continue."

"I don't know. I didn't want to disappoint him, but at the same I almost wanted to rub it in his face that I was able to move on."

"And have you?"

"Have I what?"

"Moved on…"

"Umm…yeah…" he quirked an eyebrow at me. "Yes," I said more firmly.

Marcus pursed his lips. "If you say so."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked getting defensive.

"You said you didn't want to disappoint him and that you were nervous about seeing him. Were you being honest then?"

"Yes," I replied, wondering where he was going with this.

"Why would you care about disappointing him if you've moved on?"

I started to open my mouth to speak but realized I didn't know how to respond. I would be lying if I said I didn't care because I did. I still wanted Edward to accept me. I still wanted his approval. After all, he was always the one I looked to for approval in the past.

I remembered the hurt on his face. I had caused that and it bothered me. Even with everything that he did to me, I didn't want him hurting.

"No," I said softly. "I haven't moved on."

"Do you want to?"

"I don't know," I admitted. It was the truth and it was strangely liberating to finally admit it.

"Fair enough."

%%%

Marcus gave me an assignment after our last session. He wanted me to write down the all the people in my life and what they meant to me. I had to list one good quality and one bad for each person. Each week we spoke about a different family member or friend. We started with my parents, then moved on to Alice and Rosalie. It was hard to think about something I didn't like about them. They were the rocks in my life. It felt almost like a betrayal on my part to even think negatively about them or anybody really. On top of that they were all going to be subject to his scrutiny and I told him as such.

"It's not a betrayal, Bella," he explained. "That piece of paper represents how you feel about your loved ones. If you think you are going behind their back then perhaps you weren't as honest with them as you thought. All good relationships, whether they are parents, friends, lovers, thrive on communication. There is nothing on that list that shouldn't have been hidden from them. If it was then you should ask yourself why."

How could I argue with that?

"So…" He opened a drawer in his desk and took out the crinkled paper that contained the list. I saw his eyes move down the sheet and stopped at a name. "Can we talk about your other best friend, Jacob?" I gave a hesitant nod. "His good quality is his loyalty. His bad quality—goading Edward. Why? Why did you choose those specific qualities for Jacob?"

My licked my dry lips and swallowed. "Jacob loved me," I began. "I was—am his best friend. He would do anything for me and he always took my side anytime Edward and I would have a disagreement. We were friends as children, but lost touch when my parents moved me to Arizona. We came back to Forks when Charlie was given the job as Chief. As soon as Jacob found out he came around and we started hanging again, but it wasn't the same."

"How so?"

"Well, I started going out with Edward almost immediately after moving back. I never realized that Jacob had a crush on me, I always saw him as a brother. Edward never stopped me from spending time with Jake, but I knew it upset him, so after a while, I began to keep my distance. Jake seemed to understand and he never made me feel guilty about it. We spoke on the phone every once in a while, but that was about it."

"Jacob seems like a good guy … understanding," Marcus commented.

"He was… he is. I can't really complain about him…" I trailed off.

"But…"

"But, sometimes I wonder if things had been different between Jake and me, how that would have changed my relationship with Edward."

"Why do you say that?"

"Well, after Jake moved to Seattle we renewed our friendship and became close again. He had a fantastic business opportunity and I was his only friend in the area. I helped him out a lot. More than Edward would have liked I think, but he was always working and it was good to have my friend back. It was nice to have Alice and Rosalie, but sometimes you need that one male friend to help balance you, you know?" I chuckled softly.

"I do know," he smiled. He didn't say anything else, his cue that he wanted me to continue.

"Umm … I think all the time we spent together deepened Jake's feelings for me and Edward noticed. Edward became insecure, something I had never seen in him before. Edward was always so confident. Then of course, Jacob noticed those insecurity issues and would make it a point to acknowledge all the time he was spending with me as opposed to Edward. I had to stop plenty of fights between the two of them," I snorted. "They tried to behave themselves for the most part for my sake, but those fights were always caused by Jake setting off Edward."

"Did you ever talk to Jacob about what he was doing? His actions were putting an obvious strain on your relationship with your fiancé. Or did you choose to ignore them because you—I'll play devil's advocate here—harbored more feelings toward Jacob than you admitted?"

My eyes opened wide in shock. "Oh my … I … no … not at all … I mean … I had feelings for him, yes, and I cared about him, but not romantically."

"So then why do you think he thought it was okay to provoke Edward?"

I thought about the times we were together. The play fighting, the bickering, the light touches and hugs… "Did I lead him on?" I asked out loud.

"Did you?"

March 2004

I knocked on Jacob's apartment door. He was helping me scout locations for my wedding. Edward was supposed to come with me, but he was sucked into a surgery at the last minute. Alice and Rosalie were also busy and couldn't come out. That left Jacob and he, surprisingly, said he'd assist.

I was about to knock on the door again when I heard Jake yell from the other side. "I'm coming!"

He opened the door and my mouth dropped. He had just come out of the shower and his very chiseled body was still wet. A white towel was wrapped around his waist, which only highlighted his tan muscles even more. He had a smaller towel in his hand and was using it to dry his hair.

I couldn't stop staring at his chest and he noticed.

"Bells," he chuckled. "You okay there?" He pushed the door open further to let me in. I didn't move. "Are you going to stand there and stare or are you coming in?"

I swallowed and licked my suddenly dry lips. I blinked a few times and finally looked up at him. "Um… what?"

He let out a loud bellow. "I asked if you were coming in," he repeated. I nodded and walked into his apartment. As I passed him, he drew me into hug, his customary greeting for me. I couldn't help but drag my hands along his back to feel the tight muscles. He was so strong.

I had always known that Jacob kept himself in good shape, but I didn't realize he looked that good. It made me wonder why he was still single.

He pulled away from the hug first, "Feeling me up, Bella? That's not like you," he teased.

"Jake, you …" I let my hands linger on his abs a little too long before pulling them away. I pointed to his abs. "You look good." I stated simply.

He raised an eyebrow at me. "Geez, you would think you've never seen a body as fine as mine. Edward not doing it for you anymore?"

"Shut. Up!" I protested. " You can't just walk around looking like that you know. You'll give some poor girl a heart attack!"

"Thank you for noticing, Bells, but this is my house and I can walk around naked if I want." He moved his hand down to pull his towel off his. I held out my hands to stop him.

"Oh no! I do not want to see you naked. That'll just be…" I wanted to say wrong, but my eyes were drawn to his pelvis. I had to admit if I hadn't been madly in love with Edward, I would have tried my luck with Jacob.

"It'll be what?" Realization dawned in his eyes. "Oh, you're turned on!" He stepped closer to me. "Do I turn you on, Bella?" His voice lowered into what sounded like his sexy voice.

"Are you trying to seduce me?"

"Is it working?"

"No." Yes. Maybe…

"Then, no, I'm not," he sighed. I saw the disappointment flash in his eyes, but he quickly placed a big smile on his face.

"When are you going to get a girlfriend? You've been in Seattle for a while now and you haven't dated at all. I'm worried," I told him. It was the truth. He was said he was always busy at the shop, but he had enough guys working there that he could easily take days off and no one would notice.

"You know it's hard, with the sh-"

"Don't. Don't use the shop as an excuse. I've seen the way women look at you. You are a good-looking guy. You can get anybody," I explained. "You use the shop to get out of dating, but I don't understand why."

"You really don't know?" he asked shaking his head. "Sam was right, you are blind." He turned towards his bedroom.

"Sam? What does he have to do with anything and what are you talking about I'm blind?" I fumed.

He stopped and turned back to me. "Look, forget I mentioned it. I'm going to get dressed and we'll head out, okay?"

"No, I want-" Jake lifted a hand to silence me.

"I promise we'll talk about it more. Let me just get ready. You have appointments, I don't want you to be late." He squared his shoulders, effectively ending the conversation.

"Fine," I huffed.

I sat on the couch while Jake got dressed. I felt so crummy that I contemplated leaving and doing the location scouting alone. It occurred to me that it was entirely possible that it was my fault that Jake wasn't dating. If I thought about it, when he wasn't at the shop he was hanging out with me, much to Edward's chagrin. I was monopolizing his time.

"Ready?" he asked stepping from his room.

I stood up. "Yep."

"Oh, would it be okay if we stopped at the shop on the way? I need to drop off a set of keys for a car the guys are working on. I was so tired last night, I forgot to leave them behind."

"Yeah, sure, that's fine," I replied.

"Great!"

We had decided to take Jake's jeep instead of my clunky truck. I still had the Beast, but it wasn't as reliable as it used to be. Edward had insisted on getting me a new car, but I told him that I would ride my car out until the end. Jacob agreed with Edward. He told me he wouldn't come with me if we took my truck, so I relented.

Of course, the car ride to the shop was full of tension. I wanted to say something to make things better between us, but any time I would open my mouth, the words just didn't want to come out. At least not the right words. Jacob was the first to speak.

"Bells?"

"Hmmm?"

"I'm sorry about what I said in the apartment. I don't want you think that I…" he paused. "What Sam said, it isn't true. You're not blind. He was giving me advice once about…something, and that may have come up."

I was confused. "What came up? That I was blind? About what? And what were you getting advice about?"

"Uh, you," he whispered. He said it so low, I wasn't sure if I heard him correctly.

"Me?"

"Yes." He glanced over at me and continued speaking when he saw my brows knitted together. "I used to have a big crush on you. I had asked Sam for advice on how to approach you, but by the time I wanted to, you were already with Cullen." There was a hint of distaste when he said Edward's name, but I chose to ignore it. I didn't want to argue anymore with Jacob.

"So you don't have a crush on me anymore?" I inquired. I had to admit I was mildly disappointed.

He gave a nervous laugh. "No, of course not. You're like a sister to me now. I would never do anything to jeopardize what we have."

I stared at him, looking for a tell-tale sign that he was lying to me, but if he was, he was hiding it well. His facial expressions gave nothing away.

We were stopped at a light. He turned to face me and I looked directly in his eyes.

"Are you lying to me?" I asked bluntly.

He rolled his eyes. "Don't flatter yourself, Bella. I love you…" I let out a small gasp. "As a sister," he continued. Honestly." He gave me a big toothy smile. I tried not to laugh but he looked too silly not to.

We pulled into an empty garage in the shop. He turned to face me again.

"Are we cool?"

"Of course, Jacob." He leaned in close and for a second I thought he was going to kiss me, but he shifted and kissed my cheek. He gave me another smile and jumped out of the car.

I watched as Jacob made his way to the counter to talk to one of his employees. I studied him closely and thought about the conversation we just had. He may have been an excellent liar, but something was nagging me in the gut. Somehow, I just didn't believe him.

September 2006

"I think you learned a lot today, Bella," Marcus said, bringing me back to the present.

I nodded in agreement. "More than I imagined…"

AN: So? Like, don't like? We're getting into the heart of things now…Let me know what you think of Bella's sessions.