On the Edge of Wakefulness
Chapter 10
The rain pounded down on Llanview, water hitting loose metal and old windows on the roof of the End of the Road Bar. The Mole lifted his shot glass toward the bartender, asking for another shot of whiskey. He pulled out the document he swiped from Phillip Manning's local office. Sheer luck...
"Got your message. Judge will do his usual push of the sale on the 10th - Commish Buch said go ahead with Vega property purchase. Payment to chief Buch due - 25k. PM."
Circumstantial, perhaps, but damning nevertheless. The signature of Phillip Manning was unmistakable, the printed letterhead indefensible. Stupid as hell and a major lead for the reporter. Suddenly the sound of the rain grew louder and then quieted as the door opened to the bar and then closed again. Cassie Buchanan strolled in, and sat on a barstool a couple of seats down from the Mole.
"Well? You said you had something." The Mole laughed to himself at the guts of the pretty reporter next to him.
"Where's the money?"
"No money until I read what you have."
The Mole looked at her, his soldier's face scowling at her. The note was on the bar's counter, his fingers holding it down. "Don't trust me?"
Cassie put her hand on the note and tugged at it, trying to pull it toward her, her eyes firmly on the Mole. He let go and took another drink of his refilled shot glass while Cassie read it. In a minute or so, she threw an envelope of money on the counter. She placed the note into her notebook. Safe and protected. Cassie got up, looked back at the Mole one last time and walked out the door.
The Mole finished his drink, rubbing the stubble that served as hair on his bumpy head. As he put the drink down, the stuttering tone of his cell phone vibrated against his chest. Grumbled, "Yeah."
"Need a locate on Jedediah Chant - 16 year old punk, rides a beat-up motorcycle. Last seen in Fayetteville, West V. I'll pay the usual. Find him."
"No problem. I'll put out my feelers." Closed up the phone and put a few tens on the counter. Phillip Manning wanted the locate. What a fuckin' asshole. Lucifer. "Jeez, kid, whoever you are, you're in deep shit," he said to himself as he strolled out of the bar, the torrent awaiting him.
It was near 10:00 p.m. in the lock-down ward. The doctor had given Todd a pass to stay in the consultation room until eleven, special dispensation. Michael was on his usual late shift and checked on Todd for the third time. Things looked the same. Manning had been on the couch a while, not doing anything, just staring into empty space. Lost in thought. His journal lay to his side, untouched.
He'd had a long day recovering from the raging meltdown, most of which had been spent in a truly disconnected state. Tim was concerned. His patient had taken huge leaps in talking about his repeating dream, and more importantly, hinted at having been sexually abused as a child, prior to being raped at fourteen. The withdrawal back into his dark world was not unexpected but that meant he needed to be watched closely for a return to self-harm or worse.
Viki had offered to come in but Todd refused. Too raw, too edgy. He couldn't tolerate her kindness. It made him feel weak and vulnerable. He needed to be tougher, needed to protect the hurts. Now he was wide awake, depressed, and extremely irritable. He put the nurses and orderlies through the ringer with his attitude. He had a whole lot of hate for the world tonight and THAT… made him feel just a bit stronger.
Come scratch it. Come on, come on.
Michael stepped up to him from behind the couch, "Hey, Todd, need anything?"
The patient, from his reclined position, glared at him, "Go away." Michael wouldn't go far at Tim's direct order.
Todd stared at the blackish window and shuddered, a little cold, a lot afraid of what was happening to him. Tears welled and he scrubbed his face nearly raw with his sleeve. Sunk into the sofa, low and hidden. He fingered the bandaging, his arms more sore than usual thanks to the fight he had decided to engage in at some point, apparently. He had little recall of it. One moment he was talking about his persistent fucked-up dream and then he was in restraints. Good fucking times. He wished he was dead. He'd scream it across the room… but that was fucking prohibited. Suicide was fucking prohibited.
"Fuck you," he said aloud.
Reflections of Starr intruded though and he used those pictures to reconnect with his life, his past life. Tried to anyway. Better than suicide.
Michael sat near the doors of the room at a table, organizing charts, one eye on the patient. Suddenly, a nurse yelled loudly from the room across the hall for assistance, "Stat!" As no other orderly was in the immediate vicinity, he took a quick look in Todd's direction and seeing he'd not moved positions from the sofa, he ran in the direction of the nurse's plea.
Only a couple of minutes, Michael assured himself.
Todd rolled onto his back, drifting in visions beyond the walls of the hospital – a penthouse with more black, more leather, gothic prints of dark, ugly shit. Work at the paper so he can order Briggs around, fire people, hire people, steal their dignity. Work, work, work. Write dirty headlines, knocking Buchanans off pedestals. But why stop there? Blown secrets should bloody the front pages, over and over, titles sliding through the noisy press. A newspaper man exposes the skeletons, chain-sawing his way through the establishment, powdery bones dusting his mask.
What … power.
He walked through the images like he was in a toy store with no money, reaching cut-up arms and outstretched fingers towards the dreams. A shop of potential futures, possible paths, love, and healthfulness.
No money, no siree…don't take your credit card here. No checks. Only real green. Because you're overdrawn, Manning, you're maxed. Fucking rejected. Yeah, that's right. Fuck me. Fuck you. No money, no way out.
A cigarette sounded good. Wished he had one so fucking bad right now. Scratching and other things just didn't quite do the trick when it came to this kind of pain. Most effective… that burn. He needed to release more tension, needed to derail the upset.
Smoky, smoky, feel the burn – watch the spreading red under the orange and black. Boo-hoo. Stick it in your eyes – sizzle until you can't see the truth anymore. Ahhh…
Rolling wheels interrupted his fantasies, followed by a huge, tired sigh. He heard a spray bottle being squeezed and furniture being wiped off. In the reflection of the large windows at the front of the room, he could see a person bent over, scrubbing something, very focused.
"What is this stuff? Oh brother . . ."
It was a relief to Todd to catch wind of someone else's misery. It was the first time, now that he thought about it. Days went by alone, and while he knew other patients were around, he didn't ever think on or hear any of their problems. Maybe he just didn't give a damn. Maybe he was too sick.
Slowly the janitor worked his way around the room, finally reaching a spot straight across from Todd. He wiped the television and the shelf it sat on. Old denim hung loosely on a thin frame. Golden hair streaked heavy with brown strands – dirty blond some people said. Sinewy muscles flexed with every effort. A boy – the janitor's only a boy.
When Jed turned around, he jumped back at the familiar light eyes watching him, long legs stretched along the couch, one foot on the floor.
"God, you scared me . . ."
"Yeah, that's what I do," Todd murmured, "Scare the living shit outta people." His voice was scratchy, sounded like jagged ice. One wrong move and a person could get skewered.
"Oh, that's not what I meant, I didn't see you sitting there. I wouldn't have come in – I thought everyone was gone. I'm sorry."
Jedediah's feet were weighed down with a kind of wanting despite his promise to leave. He couldn't move from where he stood, dying over the fact that he was actually talking to his father. Took his breath away.
Todd stared at the boy in front of him, at his face, his eyes. He looked so ... he didn't know. Something about him. Oh yeah, he knew.
"I saw you the other night, didn't I, staring at me through my window?" He moved himself up a little, supporting himself on his elbow.
"Yeah . . . I didn't mean to do that . . . I'm sorry."
"Do you mean to do anything?" Todd shuddered, feeling strange, a low simmer deep in his belly. So sick… where's a cigarette? He's a boy … just a boy. Like he'd once been. "Gotta smoke?" he asked.
"Uh … no, sorry." Jedediah looked around, fiddling with the rag in his hands. He was so nervous he was trembling. With everything in him, he wanted to tell Todd the whole story.
Todd cleared his throat, tilted his head like a dog, and asked, "Aren't you kinda young to be working this late?"
At his own question, a memory flashed in his head, details he tried hard to bury every day. Working late, he was supposed to be working late. Keys in the door, coming upon a pretty, pretty find. So sorry, Michelle. Todd took a deep breath and shook his head a little, watching the pictures playing out behind heavy eyelids.
"Uh, you okay?" Jedediah chewed his lip in worry.
Todd popped opened his eyes at Jedediah's words. "Yeah… fuckin' dandy. You didn't answer my question."
"I'm old enough to stay at the Y."
Todd sat up, touching the floor with both socked feet, knees apart, elbows on thighs, hunched. Jedediah startled a little, as if he just watched an animal suddenly stand up in the road after being run over by a truck. Todd looked hard at the boy through stringy hair. "Why you there?"
Jedediah looked down, his whole story sitting in front of him, an open book. He looked back up to a seemingly concerned face looking at him. "'Cause I'm visiting. I'm looking for my real father."
Todd looked down and bit the inside of his lip to quell images pounding on the door to his reality. The salty taste of his blood seeped in and around his tongue. With a hard breath out, swallowing visibly, he worked at a semblance of control. "Why do that?" he said, "You might find something worse than you ever imagined."
Let me tell you a few stories about real parents. And step-parents. And fake murdering parents.
"I want to know who he is, I want to know him. I think my real mom might be dead, but I know my father isn't."
Jedediah looked too intensely at Todd – he caught himself doing that and looked away. Folded and refolded the rag. Stuck a hand into his pocket and pulled it back out. Eyed Todd again.
"Well, you might be surprised at what's under the rock, kid. What's crawling there. Worms, beetles … maggots. Rot."
Todd rubbed his face and ran his hand through his hair, lowering his eyes. Rot – ain't that the truth? Who is this child? His brain sizzled as he gazed at the kid. He saw himself in the child, saw his own damnation. Todd fingered the bandage on his right arm. Bent over and let a long string of pinkish spit hit the carpet. Heard Peter's voice, felt him all over. Hands. Parts. Breathless hate, calculated torture. He felt rationality slipping through his fingers like the freshest of water, like the boy's eyes.
Mmmm, my son … look at him closely … closer. Such eyes, such mouth, look at the shape of his face. Look at his slender form. Oh my boy, methinks we know him.
"Can I ask a question?"
Todd looked up. Did what he was told – examined the fidgety boy carefully – the nose, the forehead, the cheekbones, the full lips. Familiar. Turning slightly, Todd could see a door open in the blank space between the sofa and the table and chairs, a morphing of air, and through it he saw Hell, its ugliness and horror loud and brazen. The vision fried his insides, twisted his brain waves, and stabbed pins and needles straight into the blacks of his eyes. Death laughed at him and Satan clawed at his back.
"Uh ... can I ask what happened to your ... arms?"
Jedediah unwittingly had just thrown himself into the pit, landing in front of the three – Satan, Death and one extremely unstable … Todd. He'd mistaken the conversation as openness and it proved the boy's innocence, an innocence that was no defense or protection.
Todd smirked, "You really want to know?" Imagined water rushed through splayed fingers … rationality, sensibility, an idea of a real world. He rubbed a foot on the floor, felt something move. What was that? Oh yeah, that was his grasp on reality.
"Uh . . . only if you want to tell me, I mean-"
He stared hard at Jedediah, an intense look darkening his face, hate beneath a soft outer-shell. It was the look Jedediah remembered from Kevin's computer. Jedediah swallowed a lump in his throat.
"I cut myself," Todd said softly. "I had to die. It was the only way to protect my family."
"Wh-what do you mean?"
There was undeniable fear in the boy's eyes and Todd grinned, revealing the millions of bits he'd become, the madness deep and expansive. You need to be afraid, he thought, very fucking afraid.
You need to run.
"I'm evil, boy. I do very … bad … things." Todd shot to his feet, forcing Jedediah to take steps backward. Even though the two weren't too much different in their heights – Todd seemed to tower over Jed.
"I don't believe that," Jedediah said, the words falling out of him, all his vulnerabilities on the surface.
Run while you have the chance. Never know what monsters lurk around the corner, behind you, in front of you. Save yourself, just-a-boy.
Todd stepped toward Jedediah, pushing Jed with his hands, gentle pushes filled with hate, with fucked-up-ness, push, push, push. His mouth a slash of ugly, the scar on his cheek glaring.
"I'm a rapist four times over, BOY, a murderer. Ask my wives… almost raped one, punched the other in the mouth, 'cause they were fuckin' liars. You a liar, kid? Huh? You a liar? You a fuckin' liar? Answer me!"
Jedediah stood paralyzed, eyes wide, a child who'd wandered down a wrong path. He was pressed hard up against the cold window. No where further to go. Todd kept him at the glass, a hand flat on his chest, pressing so hard, Jedediah could hardly breathe.
Todd's eyes wandered down the boy's form and back up again. He needed to get rid of the kid, needed to send him away before it was too late. Before he'd hurt him the way Peter had hurt Todd. Chuckling, getting right in Jed's face, he whispered raggedly, "Yeah, you a liar. You a fuckin' liar. I can taste it, I can smell it. You'd be so easy to break. Break in two… break into a milion fuckin' pieces."
Jedediah was going to be sick. Breathing heavily, turning his head, sweating now, he hissed, "You're lying to me." Then he glared right at him, "YOU're a liar. YOU are!"
Todd's eyes blazed and he grabbed the front of Jedediah's shirt, growling, "Know this, BOY… I never lie. I NEVER fuckin' lie. I am exactly what I say I am, and I… I AM SATAN! So you better run, AND YOU BETTER RUN FAR! You hear me?!" With that, Todd grabbed the shirt again and yanked Jedediah off the window, shoving him out of his way, Jed falling to the floor.
"RUN, BOY! RUN for your FUCKIN' LIFE!"
Michael sprinted towards the shouting, just as Jedediah ran past him, tripping on undone shoelaces. Todd stood against the glass, breathing hard, eyes glassy with madness, shouting and smacking his chest, "Satan lives, don't you know! RIGHT here, RIGHT here…right FUCKING here! Ahhhhhhh!" He turned and banged his whole body against the window, as if he was trying to jump through it, "I'll kill him! I'll kill him! MOTHERFUCKER!" Over and over he threw himself at the window, hits so powerful the entire wall of protected glass shook.
Michael grabbed him, dragging him away from the window and pulling him into a firm hold. He got to the floor, legs and arms trapping his patient. Todd screamed and screamed, agonized wordless screams, fighting Michael so hard. The orderly groaned, struggling with the unbelievable strength of the guy, having to dig down deep to keep him from hurting himself.
"Come on, dude," he groaned, "come on…Jesus CHRIST..." This was bad, bad shit…
Then... the fight quit and Todd gasped. Held his breath, his whole body stiff, hands in tight fists… eyes rolled back. Michael firmed his grasp, head tight against his patient's, huffing, "Awww shit… come on, come on, pull it together, Manning." After a minute, Todd breathed in deeply and relaxed… but now his eyes were open and he just stared, completely and totally disconnected.
Goddamn fucking janitor. That kid. Michael crawled back, got out from under his patient. Got strong arms under Todd and lifted him, body limp, to the couch. Laid him down a bit roughly since he'd gotten fairly worn out with Todd's fight. Michael called his name a few times but Todd was lost. Catatonic. Time was the only thing that would help now. He needed to go after the janitor. Must have been scared shitless. He whistled, calling for the other orderly who'd finally arrived for his shift. They switched spots and Michael ran out of the room.
"Hey, where'd the kid go?"
The nurses pointed towards the doors. Michael slammed through them and ran down the hall, hoping the kid hadn't gone far. He stopped at the bathroom next to the elevator. He heard sniffling and opened the door, seeing the young janitor on the floor, knees up, hands over his eyes. Michael thought his reaction was too strong for just being on the receiving end of Todd Manning's mania. And considering that it sent Todd into a catatonic state, something wasn't right. He got down in front of Jedediah.
"What happened, guy?"
Jedediah had kept many secrets over his life, and this one didn't have to be any different from the others. But perhaps it was the soft voice of the man in front of him, perhaps it was the late hour, maybe he just needed to say the words.
"I'm his son. I just wanted to see him."
Sobs overcame Jedediah and Michael just set his hand on the boy's shoulder as he let out pain that he'd carried for so very long.
Michael convinced Jedediah that he needed to talk to the doctor, that this was too important a matter to wait out. Jed promised he'd do it in the morning after his shift was over but Michael said no, this had to be done now. In that moment, Jed knew everything was done. He had no idea how he'd get enough money to get home. And right now, that's all he wanted.
As they walked, Todd's words kept reverberating in his head – a rapist? A murderer? Did Mimi know these things? Fucking…Satan. Todd had been right, his real father was much, much worse than adoptive one. He felt intensely alone, young, and pathetic.
The two walked back to the consultation room and Michael wasn't surprised to see Tim standing in front of Todd's couch next to a nurse taking vital signs and the other orderly standing by. Michael told Jedediah to stay put and went to Tim. Saw that Todd was still non-responsive. The doctor looked pissed.
"What the hell happened?" Tim snapped. "He's completely dissociated and the nurse says it was because of a janitor?"
Michael turned around and looked at Jedediah, returning his gaze back to Tim.
"Yeah, the janitor had a conversation with him. Manning got heated, violent, got the kid in a corner, then started throwing himself at the windows. Thank god they can't break. Had to restrain him for near a half hour through a meltdown. The whole thing devolved into a dissociative event." He sighed. Said, "Doc… the kid needs to tell you something. Go real easy on him."
Tim looked past the orderly, "It better be good."
Jedediah saw Tim look at him and begin to walk over. Emotions bubbled up and he groaned a little. Hated getting busted for shit, and this… well, it felt like a goddamn nightmare.
As Tim got closer, he couldn't help but notice how young the boy looked despite his height and the fact that he was working the late shift. The other thing was his uncanny resemblance to Todd, emphasized by the boy's stricken expression. Tim immediately guessed that his physical appearance had something to do with Todd's extreme reaction. There was no time for small talk.
"Tell me what happened. Whatever it was had a huge impact on my patient who's extremely fragile."
Jedediah lowered his head, one hand covering his eyes, pinching his eyes shut as if he could stop what was happening. Tim furrowed his brows as Jedediah slowly recounted the conversation, nearly word for word.
"Is there something else I need to know?" He crossed his arms, awaiting God-knows-what.
Jedediah took a deep breath, looking at Michael who nodded, encouraging him to go on. "My name is Jedediah Chant - Todd Manning is my father."
Tim's eyes widened and he let out a hard breath, completely in shock. After a moment, he said, "Michelle Chant is your mother?" Which of course meant that this kid… was a KID. Couldn't be more than 15 or 16.
"Yeah ... my mother." His voice has sunk to a whisper at the mention of her name.
"Did you tell Todd this information?"
"No! It happened just like I said! I shouldn't have stayed ... I don't know, I don't know ... is he gonna die? Did I hurt him?"
Tim shook his head, saying gently. "No, no, you didn't hurt him directly. He must have seen something in you and that's why he responded the way he did." Tim turned around and looked at Michael, who shrugged his shoulders. He looked back at the janitor. "Let's be straight, though. Coming here wasn't right, especially misrepresenting yourself. But I can understand somewhat. Mr. Manning will be okay. Don't worry about your job for right now. You'll get paid for tonight. I want to talk more tomorrow." He hesitated, "Where are you staying?"
"At the Y."
"How old are you?"
Jed lied instinctively. "18."
Tim crossed his arms again. "That's not possible, not if Michelle and Todd are your bio-parents."
"Look, don't call the cops okay? I'll be here tomorrow. Just…don't call the cops."
Rubbing his face, Tim sighed. "You're underage. I'm obligated to call child services – but I know that's only going to lead to you disappearing so…walk down the hall, turn left into the doctor's lounge. There's a bed. Stay there." Tim eyed an orderly. "Take him to the lounge. Don't let him off the floor."
"Wait … please, I have a place to go."
Returning to Jed, Tim snapped, "Where?"
"Kevin Buchanan."
"Get him on the phone." He called the orderly. Gave orders. Watched the boy leave. Tim then returned to his patient. Got a chair and set it in front of the couch. Even though Todd was lost in his own world, hiding with catatonic protection, he said, "Hey, kiddo, listen, I know what happened. Don't be upset with the janitor. He's just a kid."
From someplace easy and safe and far away, Todd could hear Tim. He tried to make his way toward the comforting sound, but was scared to face the damage he'd done. He'd seen the boy's eyes which matched his own, he'd seen the mouth which matched his own. He heard him say he was looking for his real father and mother. He saw Michelle's coloring and sensed her drive in the boy's daring to be there in front of him. He knew who Jedediah was as much as he knew his own cursed soul. And that knowledge was just… too much, too hard. He found it much easier to drift in the white blissful quiet where nothing hurt, where nobody could touch him.
After being called, Kevin parked and walked to the front of the hospital where Jedediah waited with a worker. A guarantee the kid wouldn't run away. Llanview was in the middle of a winter downpour and they had to run to the car, getting soaked in the process. Clearly distraught, Jedediah was quiet all the way to Kevin's house.
"Here you go, Jed," Cassie said. "Kevin's old pajamas….nice and dry."
Jedediah looked up at the pretty woman coming to his rescue and smiled wanly. She took a breath as he looked back at her, amazed at the resemblance between him and Todd. As she passed her husband on her way back to bed, Cassie told him he was right, a DNA test would be a mere technicality. She left the two alone. Jedediah then stood up and, without embarrassment, undressed himself entirely and got into the dry clothes.
Total innocence, totally unlike Todd. In fact, Todd's nakedness was the most disturbing aspect of his suicide attempt. It was a view of his true soul, one that Kevin never wanted to admit existed. He was cut, burned, bleeding, scarred. Dying. A picture of systematic negligence, abandonment, and torture, ultimately resulting in the making of a rapist, Todd the Monster, the Dark Prince of Llanview.
Once dressed, Jedediah watched the mesmerizing fire and quietly spilled his guts to Kevin, ending with the shocking things Todd told him. His tone was bitter, his face reflecting a kind of betrayal… on Kevin's part.
"Why'd ya keep so much from me?"
"Because a lot of that stuff happened a long time ago, and because it doesn't tell you the whole truth about him. You should have waited for me, Jed."
"But I had to see him. I had to know for myself!" Jedediah's anger came out as he spoke, showing his hurt and disappointment. He didn't think he would ever forget this night… well, ever. He stewed, then asked, "So it's all true?"
Kevin sighed heavily, "I can tell you that Todd was convicted of organizing and participating in a gang-rape of a college co-ed. During the trial, it came out that he raped another college girl."
Kevin still held back the whole ugly reality, the full blow of Todd's conduct during that period of time in his life.
"Did you say a 'gang-rape'?"
"Yeah. He and two other fraternity brothers raped the same young woman at a frat party." Jedediah's face twisted in pain, not wanting to believe this was true. "What about the others he mentioned? He said he was a rapist four times over."
"I don't know about any other rapes. Nobody's ever made any claims against him beyond the two I mentioned. Maybe there are others. It's not unusual that a person who rapes once, does it more often. On the other hand, maybe he was purposefully trying to scare you. He's definitely not above doing that."
"No … if you saw him, you wouldn't say that." Jedediah turned to look back at the fire, the impact of the evening taking its toll on him.
"Jed, he's . . . he . . ." Self-loathing was Todd's specialty and referring to himself as bad or evil was pretty typical. He never passed up a chance to denigrate his own character. Kevin sighed and leaned back against the couch. "He's a difficult man."
"I don't understand – Mimi loved him. She called him an 'Angel'. How could she be so wrong?"
"Maybe she wasn't. She knew him when he was only fourteen. My research showed that from that age on he was a real terror. That's when your mom moved away. But up until then he was just a quiet kid. There's something else that might paint a different picture for you. He was pardoned for that gang rape."
That got Jedediah's attention.
"Todd tried to escape from prison. While on the run, he rescued my cousins, along with the original rape victim, from a serious car accident, knowing he'd be going back to jail. He could've escaped that night but chose to sacrifice his one shot at freedom to save these people. The governor pardoned him and he got out of jail. No matter what else transpired between him and Llanview, between him and me, that was one thing that just didn't fit – it revealed something ... something bigger than all the crimes he committed. It revealed your 'Satan' had a soul, a heart."
Jedediah reflected a little, pacing a bit in front of the fire. "What about him saying he was a murderer though?"
"There was an incident . . . he got into a fight with a local bartender. Todd pushed him or something and, well, the bartender died. He hit his head. An accident."
Jedediah turned and stared vacantly at the fire. It burned yellow and orange, hellish waves, flapping in the chimney breeze. Asked, "What about now? Why's he locked up now? His computer record said he was in violation of probation."
"That's my fault," Kevin said quietly. "I'm entirely responsible for pushing him into doing something he shouldn't have. He held people hostage in order to get at a 'truth', one I refused to look for. He was given a suspended sentence and the suicide attempt was considered a violation for some bizarre reason. I'm sorry Jed. I wish it didn't have to be like this. Let's please meet with his doctor in the morning. I'll go with you. We'll call my mom. You're not alone. You have a family."
"Yeah, with one satanic, psychotic, rapist-killer as a father."
"Todd is not 'Satan' like he says. I mean, he's been through so much and despite it all, he's turned out to be a great father. His daughter loves him – there isn't any question about that. I can tell you, he would give his life for her. I think he may have tried to do that, in fact, with his suicide attempt. Once he learns of you ..." Kevin shook his head with a light laugh, "He'll be so proud and thankful for you. You're a great kid. I don't want you to give up on him. I think he will need you. I think you'll need him."
Jedediah, his features drawn with despair, his heart broken, wasn't so sure such a thing could be true. On the other hand, maybe there was some hope to this nightmare. But then he remembered the hatred he saw. Satan. He couldn't stop hearing Todd's voice in his head. He sat back down in front of the fire, not knowing where to go from here.
It was eight o'clock in the morning and Todd appeared to be asleep, relaxed, on his back. He wore sweatpants and a tee-shirt covered by a flannel shirt. With socks. Nurses said he had "awakened" around two in the morning and then promptly went to sleep, well out of the catatonic state. Tim would have let him sleep longer but he was trying to get ahead of what happened.
"Todd – come on, kiddo. Talk to me. You awake?"
His eyes fluttered open and he gazed at the doctor a few moments. Then as if suddenly remembering, he slammed shut his eyes, rolled over in his bed, and curled up into a fetal position, his arms covering his head.
"Can we talk about last night?"
Nothing.
Breathing out heavily, he rubbed his face and continued talking to Todd to no avail. Tim sat with him for about twenty minutes, just waiting it out. Suddenly, he heard the intercom and walked over, "Yeah?"
"Dr. Graham, Ms. Carpenter is here to see Mr. Manning."
"Send her to the room."
Tim stepped outside the door just as VikI arrived. "Good morning," he said, "thanks for coming in a little earlier than usual."
"Of course, what happened?"
"There was an incident last night. He was pretty upset."
Tim then filled her in as to the frightening exchange with a janitor, stopping at Jedediah's disclosure.
"There's something about this janitor you should probably know, which is most likely what caused the whole thing."
"What?" Her brows furrowed with concern.
"The janitor's a young man named ... Jedediah Chant. He claims Todd is his father via Michelle."
Viki closed her eyes and turned her head to the side. "Oh ... how did he ever manage to get down here?" She said the words more to herself.
"You know about him?"
Viki turned back to Tim. "Yes. Kevin and I were going to speak to you about it. I'm so sorry. I never thought he ... my God, the poor child, to have had Todd talking to him ... like that." She looked at Todd through the window, quiet a few moments. "What happened isn't his illness, you know. Rough words but… that was him. Pure, unfiltered Todd. He always uses that anger, that hate, to chase away people who try to get close to him, to hurt them so he can't do worse later. He's very practiced. He always ends up the most injured one, however."
Viki thought of Téa Delgado and how he'd chased her away with his fury. If only she'd come out of hiding, if only.
"Viki, is this a for-sure thing? Does Todd know about him? He's never mentioned it before."
Viki went on to explain how Kevin met Jedediah and how, based on his research revealing the apparent history between Todd and Michelle in combination with the physical resemblance, there was little doubt as to whom Jedediah's father was. Additionally, Viki pointed out the matching blood type. She looked at Todd again, wanting to go to him and deal with this issue later.
Picking up on her anxiety, Tim suggested she talk to her brother, that she do what she always does to comfort him. He opened the door and then left her with him.
She sat in a chair next to his bed, leaning forward, looking carefully at his face. He had his eyes closed, but his brows were knitted. He was stressed. She caressed his hand which lay on the side of his head. Todd moved it back down to the pillow, close to his face, child-like.
"Will you tell me what's hurting you? Talk to me?" She kept asking and stroking his face and hair. "You know, Blair's been asking about you. Starr misses her daddy so much – I think you should see her. Sam also has been asking for you. They all miss you and love you. Yes, even Blair. But, most of all, I love you."
He opened his eyes at that point, holding her with his gaze.
She smiled and kept up her comforting talk, her reminders of the good things in his life. As she spoke the sweet nothings, he sometimes held his breath, but then he'd sigh, and resume his quiet observation of her.
"Tim told me about your confrontation last night," she sniffled. "He said it was a bit more of your deep anger at your father. I know what that's like. I've been in that place before."
He started to cry at that, a soft sorrowful cry, and Viki put her arm around him, leaning in close. "It's okay, You're okay." She put her forehead close to his as she always did when he was at his most vulnerable. He moved his hand to hers, bringing it close to his cheek, holding on. And then she heard him talk, his voice so low, she had to strain to hear him.
"I hurt the boy, I think, I hurt him bad ..."
"You only frightened him. He'll understand that you had a difficult few days. Not to worry." With her thumb she stroked his cheek as she spoke to him, her hand still held by his.
"No ... no ... how could he understand? I hurt him like he hurt me, Viki."
"What do you mean?"
"Like he did . . . like the rape. I raped him." His body started to shake severely. "How could I do that? How could I do something so awful and disgusting?"
"Sweetheart, you're not making sense," she said, further confused. "You said some things to him, and pushed him around a bit, but that's all."
Tim had just come in, and Viki looked at him, asking, "What does he think happened last night? He's saying… he raped the boy?"
The doctor's face told her knew exactly what he meant. "Viki, could you step outside for a moment? I need to clarify this."
Todd, hearing what Tim said, reacted strongly, sitting up and grabbing onto Viki's arm, clearly terrified, "No! Don't leave me!"
Viki held onto his hand and softly shushed him, assuring him. He calmed down to her voice, looking at her, only her, strangely ignoring the doctor.
"Todd, I need to explain something which means Viki will hear about your experience with Peter. Are you ready for her to hear about it? Because you haven't wanted to reveal it."
Beginning to cry a little, he reached out to Viki and caressed her face, mimicking her, mimicking comforting words from his past. "It's ok, it's ok. You're my Angel. Don't cry, sweetheart. Shhhhhh…." He touched her lips with his fingertips.
"Todd, look at me. You need to answer me so I can help you. Are you ready for your sister to hear what happened to you?"
Now Todd turned to Tim, and nodded.
"All right. Listen carefully. You did not rape the boy from last night. You yelled at him, you pushed him, you threw him out of your way. That's it. You're confusing what happened to you with the events of last night. Your father raped you, but you did not rape the boy. Your brain is playing tricks on you. Just like with your dreams. Do you understand?"
Viki kept her cool at the new information. The only indicator that she had heard Tim was a tight pressing of her lips and a quick blink of her eyes. But when Todd began to cry again, so softly, so sadly, she broke her composure. Tears rolled down her cheek, and she said, "I'm so… so sorry."
After some moments, he picked up Viki's hand and placed it on his lap, caressing the back of her hand like one would pet a cat. Without looking at her, petting, petting, he spoke in a barely audible voice.
"Do you understand, sweetheart? Do you get it? He raped me. . . Peter raped me … I was fourteen… and he did that to me."
To hear him say it devastated her. She so wanted this not to be true. She knew his pain, she knew the scarring violation. They both cried together, their faces close, and she held him delicately, her hands on his neck and face.
Tim stepped away and went over to his spot by the door.
"You'll survive this telling," she said. "I promise you will." He looked at her so deeply as she repeated the promise, it literally hurt her.
The images of that night floated in and around him, horrifying him. He saw Michelle, he heard their sounds of lovemaking, but also heard the grisly noise of Peter as he raped him. The grunting, the groaning, the hatred. Like his own when he did the same thing to those girls.
"You will leave me, if I tell."
"I will not leave you, Todd. This does not change my opinion of you. I love you as much now as before."
He then started to pet her hand again in his lap and quietly told his tale to her, that Peter had found him and Michelle post-sex. That he had dragged Todd off Michelle, stunning him with a punch, then beat her. And it was then that Peter turned his attention to his son, brutally raping him in front of Michelle.
"I'm still here," she assured him, through her painful tears.
"I tried to get away and I couldn't."
His eyes widened and his breath caught in his throat, and Viki tried to
assure him he was ok but then the fear took over and he jerked his body away from her, the night breaking through his here and now. He clenched the sheets, was breathing fast and sweating, the memories so real.
"Nobody can help me ... I'm dying and no one can stop it." He looked so desperately at Viki, that she grabbed his hands, her eyes asking what is it, tell me. He paused for the longest of moments, then said, "She was hit by him, and then she saw what happened. How could I do that to h-her? How c-could I let any of that happen?" He slowly fell to his side, burying his face in the pillow, sobbing now.
"Just let me die, just kill me …"
Viki could only touch the side of his head, leaning into him, and make promises she hoped would stick. "There's nothing to be ashamed of. It wasn't your fault. You didn't ask for that to happen, you didn't make it happen. Peter hurt you. You were just a boy."
He cried like a child, despairing of the history and she held him as tightly as she could through his sorrowful pleas.
"I wanna die, I wanna die ..."
Tim watched the entire confession from the door, getting tears in his own eyes and said a silent prayer thanking God his patient had someone in his life who was there to catch him, someone he'd actually learned to trust.
Before long, he quieted, listening to Viki's pledges and encouragement. He continued to lay there, gazing into the distance. Tim knew he'd be quiet for a long while.
Later, as Viki took a break, she said to Tim, "I had no idea, never wondered, never considered it. Because my brother was a perpetrator. So to me, him being a victim was not possible." She looked at the doctor, knowing a darker truth. "That's not all that monster did to him, is it? There's more, yes?"
Tim's features pinched with a severe expression. "Todd is just getting started on remembering. He has a lot to be angry about. We're nowhere near the end of his story."
"My God. Why do people do such horrendous things to children?"
"We'll never know."
Todd found himself face down on the dirt road, the river rushing in front of him. A long way down, jagged rocks to kill you as you drop into the current. He licked the dirt beneath him, finding it bitter and sandy. He swallowed what was in his mouth and then lay his head down, his cheek against the ground.
"No, Little One, death is not ready for you." The spirit whose job it was to guide him out of Hell wrapped herself around him as she spoke. He could feel her cooling essence on his body, on his heart.
"But I'd be so much happier. No more pain, no more. I can't do this anymore. I don't remember being innocent. You asked me to remember and I can't."
"But you would not see your loved ones, your baby girl, your wife, your sister. And now your son."
"My son. I don't ..."
"You cannot lie to me here. You always knew there was someone out there. You remember your sweet Michelle telling you about her concern right before she left. About her lateness. You remember you tried to find them. You remember the last time you tried to find them. You were so sad to hear about her death and no mention of a child. You thought perhaps they both had died. You felt so guilty. So sad."
"Mmmm. Dead. She must be happy."
"You survived a fall into a river. Once."
"No ... I didn't survive. I might as well be dead. There is no forgiveness here."
The spirit lifted him again from his fallen position and pushed him forward, making him walk. They would make their way out of Hell soon enough.
Viki's signature fragrance always gave Todd a sense of comfort, a maternal aura accompanying it. The sound of her gold bracelets, clinking against the other, always signified peacefulness, something he no longer experienced in his life. The feel of her hand on him shoulder, or cheek, or arm was always secure and kind. He used to run from it, now he accepted it.
These things ran through his mind when he woke up in the early evening, having fallen asleep hours before. He was keenly aware that he had revealed the horror that had been inflicted upon him the night of his fourteenth birthday. He remembered her telling him to rest. "I'll be here when you wake up," she had said. He had wanted that. It was strange that she seemed to realize he needed to know this. That he could go to sleep, that nobody would touch him, and that she'd still be there when he woke up.
She had stayed. She was still there.
Her hand rested on his chest, and he turned his head to see her face as she dozed on the bed, leaning on the headboard. He saw her eyes open and smile. He did not wake screaming or suffering. He took a breath and they gazed at each other. A mother-like figure to a child, a surprising thing.
Todd heard steps come toward him and not expecting it, he stiffened and he turned his head to the front quickly, his hands suddenly coming up in front of him, deflecting an imagined attack. Viki immediately tightened her hold on him, feeling his heart racing, his whole body jerking in fear and his breathing following along.
"Whoa, Todd! It's me, Tim! I'm so sorry. I was too quiet." He came up close to the pair so his patient could see him. "You ok? I'm sorry about that." Tim berated himself, not believing how he had forgotten himself.
With a whimper, frustrated that he was still so afraid, Todd started to calm a little. "Don't, don't do that again."
Tim waited for him to regain himself, seeing his face crinkle with pain.
"I need to do a quick physical, alright?" Todd nodded and moved a little away from Viki, suddenly self-conscious. She moved, sensing his discomfort, as well as the fact that his need for physical closeness passed.
"Do you want me to step out?"
He shook his head, "No ... please don't leave me."
"I won't, then. I'm going to sit at the desk." She reflected on his words, how they were not necessarily referring to just this moment, but perhaps for always.
Tim proceeded to take his pulse, listen for his heart rate and breathing, and take his blood pressure.
"Looks good. Do you need anything?"
Todd shook his head, leaning back on the pillow, covering his eyes with his hands.
Tim studied him carefully, judging, evaluating. "What are you feeling, kiddo?"
"Kind of ... scared ... I keep thinking he's ... here ... somewhere ..."
"That's a natural reaction. Your experience has been brought into the open and in a way, your mind thinks it just happened. Try to relax, use the meditation techniques we've talked about. Todd, I want to give you a sedative so you can really rest tonight. You've been through so much and you need a break. Will you do that?"
"I don't know."
Instantly, the shivering started, the memories flashing in front of him. He rolled his head on the pillow, moving his hands to his ears. He wanted to shut it all out. He could hear someone moaning, but couldn't place it. He heard someone talking, but didn't feel a part of the words.
"I did something pretty awful to that poor kid."
He raised his eyes to watch his sister, her face changing into Barbara's and then back to her own. Tim looked like Peter in one moment and then he was himself again. He twisted his mouth and then bit his lip, not hard enough to draw blood, not yet.
"I think that kid ... oh God ... he's mine ... I hurt my own kid, didn't I? Just like Peter … Just the same..."
He heard Michelle scream and thought he heard the splash of her body into the cold river. His whole body convulsed at the awfulness of it all. He felt himself cut his arms, over and over and felt himself crash through the shower doors, the cold tile coming up and pounding against the back of his head. He felt the water raining down against his naked body, blood pouring out of him. He felt the blackness envelope him and he heard Death laughing at him, calling him.
Tim watched Todd on his bed, seeing that he was someplace else. His breathing was fast and he stared blankly, his body shifting in the bed. He continued to shake, his head pulling back against the pillow, and Tim looked at Viki to be sure she was not too frightened by what was happening to Todd. She had one hand up covering her mouth, her eyes tearing up.
"Todd? Try to stay with me, ok? I assure you the boy is safe and unhurt. I just got a message that he's going to come in to see me. You can see him, too. He left here in one piece last night and he's still in one piece this morning."
Todd was still lost in a delusion. "Todd, listen to me…you're in the hospital, in Llanview. Those things you're seeing, they're only memories, they're not real. Come on, kiddo …"
He could see Todd fighting, could see him working to pull away from tormenting images, but it was a calm fight.
"Keep it up, you're doing good. Touch the bed, the table next to you. Remind yourself of where you are, that you're in your room at Llanview Hospital. You can hold my hand. It's open, not a fist. I have a thick ring on my forefinger. Feel it. It's just like I say it is."
Todd reached out blindly, searching for Tim's hand or the bed or the table. Tim caught his patient's hand and led it to his open left one. Todd tightened his hand around Tim's, rubbing the ring, and began calming down, finding Tim's hand just as he said it was.
Todd groaned as he began to come out of his flashback, new scenes of his suicide attempt being brandished like a weapon against him, a new torture for him to endure. His eyes flickered and he looked at Tim and Viki who had quickly re-composed herself for him, not wanting to upset him. It was a long while before he could talk again. The room seemed a comforting place now.
Out of the quiet, he said, "I wondered if M-Michelle h-had a kid ... we didn't ..." He looked down, as if he was embarrassed. "We didn't use anything ... I didn't know really ... I couldn't find her afterwards." He started to tremble, walking too close to the edge of Hell, looking at the smoke that arose from the pit.
"I had to keep him safe last night … he had to see who I really am. He wants to find his father. He had to know the truth. I had to keep him safe." He repeated the word over and over. Safe. Safe. Safe.
"He was safe – you wouldn't have really hurt him, Todd. You won't hurt him. Just like you won't hurt Starr."
"Am I crazy? Is he my kid? I thought he looked like ... us ... I saw him and he was ... me ... and I was Peter ... and I could've ... I had to tell him to get away ... he didn't want to go! Ohhh ... I could've hurt him …" He started to cry, reaching up his hands to his eyes, painful sobs coming from him.
"Shhh, Todd. Take a breath, come on. It's ok, there was no way you could have hurt him. You're not Peter. The boy isn't you. It's all right."
After a moment, Todd calmed himself. He then leaned over the side of the bed and spit a glob of bloody saliva onto the floor. He studied the red and then leaned back tiredly on the pillow.
Tim thought maybe he'd found a new method of self-injury. He grabbed a tissue and handed it to Todd. "Did you bite yourself?"
Todd stared at him mutely as he wiped his lips.
"Try not to do that," the doctor said. "When you feel you want to, use your meditation technique. In the meantime, you need to rest. No more talking. You've been through way too much."
Viki got up and went to Todd, sitting next to him on the chair. She smiled at him and saw he was on the verge of tears again. But he breathed deeply and the feeling passed. He reached out for her hand and held it close to his heart, she could feel it beating, smooth and rhythmically.
"What's his name?"
"Jedediah Chant."
Todd chuckled softly, "'God's beloved'. She loved that name."
Lightning flashed through the room and a soft roll of thunder rumbled throughout Llanview Psychiatric Hospital. The click of the door closed behind Tim, telling Todd and Viki they were alone once again.
To be continued…..