*Peeks in* Hello? Anyone home? More importantly, anyone still reading/following this story? I know I dropped the ball and it's been three+ years since I've updated. I'm really sorry! But, life happened. It's been a pretty hectic few years and it's only going to get worse for me, in a good way. The good thing is until that happens, I will have a little free time to finish this up (it's almost done) and maybe work on a few of the other stories as well.
I hope you're still and if you are, thank you for being patient! It has been a while since I've written though, so be easy on me. ;)
I want to thank Zhivago3 for helping me out with this chapter and NaNoWriMo for getting the ball rolling again.
Translations are courtesy of Google, so blame them if anything is wrong. English translations will be at the end.
Chapter 16 – Moment of Surrender
BPOV
December 2009
"Eu tenho um presente para você, querida."
"Zafrina, it's not even Christmas yet. You're not supposed to give me anything until then," I said looking up from the papers I was grading.
Zafrina was walking into the room with a red envelope in her hand… she looked both worried and excited at the same time.
"I know, I know," she said sitting herself next to me. "Technically it's a present for both of us from my parents. I already know what it is, but you need to open it."
"What is it?" I asked taking the envelope from her outstretched hands.
"Open it and see," a smile widened on her face.
I turned the envelope over and noticed that it wasn't sealed. I pulled the flap up and took out the contents, my eyes widening as I read the papers.
"Three weeks in Brazil? Are you serious?" I asked, excitement in my voice. Zafrina nodded. "Oh my God!"
"I know you've been in need of a serious vacation and you have the break from school, so it would be perfect for us to go. Plus, I think it's time I introduced you to my parents finally, no? And just so you know, we will also stay with them in Recife."
While I was still skittish about meeting her parents, they did just pay for our trip to Brazil. I'd been with Zafrina for almost three years - going on four - and anytime her parents came to visit, I always made up an excuse to not have to be around, usually that I was busy with school. Not a complete lie since it did consume a good portion of my time, but I could have easily found the time and just chose to never see them.
Until now.
"You're right about everything and yes, I would love to meet your parents. I'm sorry I haven't met them sooner. And it's totally fine that we stay with them. I'm sure it's cheaper that way anyway."
"It's okay. They understand." She placed a soft kiss on my lips and stood. "I'm going to call my parents and let them know we're definitely going. I'll let you get back to grading."
"Thanks, Z," I smiled. "Oh, you'll have to keep practicing Portuguese with me, then. I'll need to keep up with you and your family."
In the years that I'd known Zafrina, she'd helped me learn her beautiful language. I wanted to learn for her and eventually for whatever future I thought we might have. Of course, I always slacked off, but we made a little progress. However, if I planned on conversing with her family, I needed a crash course.
She stopped and turned as she got to the door. "Of course, baby. Eu te amo." I love you. She waited a beat for me to respond, but I didn't. She gave me a sad smile and left.
I looked at the envelope in my hands knowing I disappointed her again. I cared for her and I wanted to love her. At times I felt I could eventually love her. I just didn't know when. I think she hoped that with all of my therapy I would leave the past – Edward - behind and fully commit to her.
I desperately wanted to, for her, but it was too damn difficult. My sessions with Marcus were coming to a close. He felt he'd done all he could for me, but that I'd have to take the final step in seeking closure myself. How I'd seek said closure remained to be seen.
%%%
"This is our last session, Bella. You've been coming to me for a few years and while we've cut down on our time together, that's still a while. You're done with finals and you're about to go on a great vacation with your girlfriend. Do you feel ready to move on with the next phase of your life?" Marcus questioned.
I sat with my eyes closed contemplating his question. Ready? No, not by a long shot. Did I have to move on? Well… eventually. I shook my head, but answered yes anyway.
"That's good," he responded. "You aren't meant to be ready. Things are going to happen and you just have to accept them as they come. You can't change it, but you can control your own reactions. You can do it."
"I can do it," I repeated.
%%%
"Mãe!" Zafrina yelled at the woman running towards us. Zafrina dropped her bags as the woman stopped in front of us and gave her a big hug. Before I could step to the side to give them space, Zafrina grabbed me and introduced me.
"Bella! É tão bom finalmente conhecê-lo!" she said as she turned to me and squeezed me tight.
"Olá, Margaret!" I hugged back.
"Não, não, me chame de mãe," she protested as she pointed to herself. It was uncomfortable for me to call her mother, so I just nodded and smiled.
Zafrina and her mother took our bags and started to walk out of the airport and towards to the car where, apparently, her father was waiting. They quickly went into conversation about plans while we were in the country. I was able to pick up enough to know that we would be doing a lot of shopping and sightseeing. The shopping I could care less for, the sightseeing I was definitely looking forward to, though.
When we got to the car, quick introductions were made with Zafrina's father, Pedro. I sat quietly in the back with Zafrina as we drove to her parents' home.
"Is everything okay, Bella?" she asked as she took my hand. "You've been really quiet since we landed. You're not regretting coming are you?"
"No!" I exclaimed. "I mean, no. I'm not regretting the trip. I'm glad I'm here. I think I'm just a little overwhelmed and tired. That was a really long flight."
She caressed my hand. "I know, baby. The layover didn't help. I'm actually looking forward to getting into bed with you as soon as we get home."
I hummed in agreement. The idea of lying down sounded wonderful. Aside from being tired, I wanted to be alone with Zafrina to just get my bearings. "That sounds like a wonderful idea." I leaned in and brushed her lips. "Thank you."
Margaret began clapping in excitement. "Home!"
I looked out the window and saw a modest two-story home with a Spanish tiled roof. We pulled into the covered driveway and I noticed then the beach that lay on the other side. It was dark, but I could make out the water in the moonlight.
"Did you tell me your parents' home was on the beach?" I whispered to Zafrina.
"Umm, maybe? I don't know. Why? Do you not like it?" she asked, sounding worried.
"Just the opposite. It's warm enough tonight, you think we can lay out under the moon for a while before going to bed?"
"For sure, my parents have a… what do you call it? The thing that swings between trees?"
"A hammock?"
"Yes, that. It's right after the pool but before the beach. We can go out as soon as we get settled." She led me inside as her mom informed us that she and Pedro would take our bags to our bedroom. "I'll give you a quick tour first."
We passed through the foyer into the living room, which had a very beachfront home feel with wicker furniture and white décor everywhere. "Interesting…"
"What is?"
"I thought it'd be a little more colorful in here? Your parents seem so lively and this room is so… bland." I said looking around. "It doesn't feel like them."
"Oh, yeah. That's just this room. My mother thought she should have one room be normal," she answered, making quotes when she said normal. "Make people feel comfortable so they won't freak out when they see the rest of the house."
As we walked into the next room, I saw exactly what she meant. The walls were splashed with color, reds and oranges, and the couches were bright blue leather. "Ah, yes. Okay. I see what you mean."
She laughed as she took my hand and led me into the kitchen. "This is where the magic happens. Magic meaning, my mother's delicious food. She makes a wonderful feijoada. She'll probably make it tomorrow for us." The kitchen was beautiful – steel appliances surrounded by terracotta tiles and floor to ceiling glass doors that opened to the outside and the view of the pool and beach.
"I can't wait to see this in the morning. It must be gorgeous, but can we go upstairs now. I need to lie down. I just realized how exhausted I am. I think the hammock will have to wait," I said, yawning.
Zafrina kissed my cheek. "Of course." We went upstairs and finally to the bedroom. Without looking around, I dropped onto the bed. "At least take off your clothes first, Bella."
"You do it for me," I mumbled. I heard her laugh as she opened the luggage and tossed our sleepwear onto the bed.
"Do you want to shower at least? It may help you relax some and get the airplane smell off of you," she suggested as she walked into the bathroom.
"Are you saying I smell now?" I called out, sitting up on the bed.
"Not at all! But," she said as she popped her head back out, "I wouldn't mind if you joined me."
I giggled in spite of myself and joined her. An hour later, after the water went cold, we went to bed.
%%%
The following morning, I woke up to the scent of coffee in the air and something that smelled divine. I turned over and found that Zafrina was gone. Before I could wonder where, I heard her laughter come from downstairs. I stretched out my body feeling the pull on my muscles. The bed felt wonderful and I didn't want to get up, but whatever was being made in the kitchen was calling me.
I sat up and took my first real look around the bedroom since I didn't pay much attention the night before. Amazingly enough, the room was pretty bare. There was one dresser with a mirror, a desk with a few family pictures and the bed. Zafrina did mention that her room was used as a guest bedroom now that she was living in the states – that would explain the sparseness. The best part of the room though was the French doors leading to the balcony.
Wanting a better view, I stood up and parted the sheer curtains. What I saw was breathtaking. The deep blue ocean was just steps from the house. In the distance I could see a few small islands and plenty of boats. It was early in the morning still, but it looked like fishermen were out trying to catch their meals for the day. I could stand and watch this all day, but my stomach protested the idea. I went to the bathroom to check that I looked decent and headed downstairs.
"Bella, you're awake! I hope we weren't too loud for you, I was trying to let you sleep since I knew how tired you were," Zafrina said when she saw me. She patted the stool next to her by the counter.
"You were fine. I woke up on my own. I thought for sure I'd still be sleeping with the change in time zones, but I think the light woke me up. What time is it anyway and what's for breakfast? It smells amazing," I asked as I took a seat. I watched as her mother focused on whatever she was making.
"It's about nine thirty. You slept for about ten hours. I was telling my mother just now how much you liked to sleep, too. Oh! You need coffee!"
"I'll get it," I said as I began to stand. She stopped me and pushed me back down to my seat.
"You're the guest, I'll get it. You sit and relax. Mãe Mae is making crepes," she continued as she stood, grabbed a glass from the cabinet and walked to the stove. She poured the coffee from the percolator into the cup and added milk and sugar just as I liked. "Tell me how you like Brazilian coffee," she said as she passed the cup to me.
I took a sip and hummed in appreciation. "That's really good! Why can't you make it this good at home?" I teased.
"Hey!"
"I'm kidding!" I leaned over and gave her a quick kiss. "You're coffee isn't too bad." I winked.
"É hora de comer!" Margaret declared as she plated the food. She placed the first plate in front of me. I waited until we all had food before diving in.
"Wow," I said after swallowing my first bite. "I've had crepes before, but for whatever reason your mom's are amazing or I'm really hungry. Delicioso, Margaret!" I devoured the food in minutes filling up quickly as well.
Once we were done, Zafrina led me outside to the pool deck. The pool wasn't very large, but as Zafrina said, "We have the best pool in our backyard… the beach." Just beyond the pool were steps that led to the sand. I noticed there was no fence between the house and the public.
"No security?" I asked as we stepped down.?
"It's pretty safe in this part of the city. This beach area is constantly patrolled, but we also pay extra for the service so it's almost private in a way," she explained. "Look." She pointed to the hammock that was between two palm trees.
"Oh, that is lovely!" I ran over to it and lay down. "So nice! I don't want to get up now," I laughed.
Zafrina sat at the end, balancing delicately so I wouldn't fall over. "Well, you will have to eventually. We are going out to one of the street festivals today. I want to pick up a few things."
I pouted, "Shopping…"
"Aw, don't be like that; we'll pass some sights for you so you won't feel left out."
"Geez thanks," I said, sticking out my tongue.
I felt Zafrina rub my calf gently. "I love you, Bella," she said quietly. Once again, I didn't respond right away. I closed my eyes, took in the sounds of the waves and the heat from the sun.
"I know," I finally said.
%%%
"Bella! Come take a look at this!" Zafrina yelled. "Venha!"
"Custa cento e cinqüenta," the vendor told me as I looked at a trinket at one of the booths. After breakfast we made our way down to a street fair in the nearby city. I paid for the bracelet I had in my hand and walked to Zafrina.
"What is it?" I asked as I came up behind her. I looked over her shoulder and saw a table of traditional masks.
"We should buy for the New Year's party. We won't be here for carnaval, but the party will be carnaval-themed. What do you think?"
"Sure, if you want. They are really pretty. I'll let you pick out the ones to get. I'm going to keep looking around." I walked away hearing her call for me. The party…
Margaret had mentioned the New Year's party earlier in the day. The whole family would be there and I would meet them all for the first time. I was beyond scared and nervous. I had held off on meeting the parents for years and now I had to meet everyone in the family at one time. I wanted to think I was ready for it, but I knew I wasn't. In fact, I knew I wasn't ready for any of this, but I couldn't bear to disappoint Zafrina. She loved me. She kept saying she loves me. After four years, I still couldn't tell her the same.
"Por que você está chorando?" an old woman asked me. I wiped my face and sure enough, my cheeks we were wet. I looked away and gasped at who I thought I saw a few feet away.
"Edward?" I whispered. It couldn't be him, not here. I couldn't think of any reason he'd be here and Alice had never mentioned him being in Brazil. There was no mistaking his hair though, but… I shook my head and looked in the direction of where I saw him last, but he was no longer there.
I couldn't think about Edward. I was in Brazil with Zafrina. The likelihood of me seeing him again - assuming it was him - was small anyhow considering the size of the country. I couldn't deny my feelings though, the thought of him being near me made my heart race.
"Is everything okay? You look like you saw a ghost, Bella," Zafrina said startling me.
"Um, yes. Everything is fine. Did you get the masks?" I asked looking down at her hand carrying a bag.
"Yes. I'll show you when we get back to the car. Bella, are you sure you're okay?"
I hated lying to her, but I realized then I'd been doing it the whole time. "Yes. I swear."
%%%
The next two weeks went by uneventfully. As Zafrina promised, we toured the sights of Recife. We visited several churches, my favorite being the Golden Chapel which, as the name suggesteds, had much of the interior covered in gold. It was gorgeous. There was one museum that looked like an old castle. It was very Dracula in a way. Of course, we also shopped and it was enough shopping to make Alice proud.
Alice… I missed her and the family, I couldn't deny that. They were really all I had since my own family was so small. I missed Emmett, the big brother who protected me even from his own flesh and blood; Jasper, who always knew what I was feeling, but Alice? I had dreamed of having her as a sister, of having our children grow up together. And it was had all been thrown away.
I tried not to think about it too much, but for some reason it was heavy on my mind especially since it felt as though I kept seeing Edward everywhere. I knew it was just a figment of my imagination, but the resemblance was uncanny. Every time I thought I saw him, I found myself missing him more and more. I dwelled on the lost potential we would have had as a married couple. The children we would have had, the grandkids, the house.
"Bella, you're daydreaming again," Zafrina stated bringing me out of my stupor. "You've been acting strange lately. Are you sure everything is okay? You weren't listening again. If you wanted to stay at the house, you could have."
"No, no. Everything is fine. I was just thinking about… ideas for the syllabus when I get back to school," I stammered out.
"Always the dedicated professor, huh? I admire that, but sweetie, we're on vacation. All of that can wait, and besides, we know that the department will toss out any ideas you have in favor of what they think would be more appropriate," she said, rolling her eyes.
"Very true. Sorry, I'll stop. We're out and we need to get the rest of the outfits for the party, right? Just please tell me I don't have to wear anything too revealing!"
Zafrina laughed, "Don't worry. You won't. We'd be the most modest ones there. See?" She showed me the dress she had in her hand. "I was asking you what you thought of this dress when you were in la la land just now. What do you think?"
"I thought you said modest." The dress, if you could the scrap she was holding a dress, was red-sequined and about two feet long.
"It stretches! It will cover all of your assets, unfortunately," she pouted. "But it matches perfectly the red in the swan mask I bought for you." Yes, the mask. Zafrina thought she was so clever picking out the mask, though I had to admit it was beautiful. It was made to resemble a swan carrying a red ribbon in its talons with the eyeholes separating the animal from the ribbon. "It'll be sexy!"
"Okay, fine. It's nice. I'll wear it. Let's buy it," I acquiesced. I was tired of all the shopping and couldn't wait to get back to the house. We found an outfit for Zafrina; a yellow one-piece pantsuit. It went amazingly well with her coloring. Of course, I protested that it wasn't fair that she was wearing pants and I had to wear a band-aid.
She brushed it off with a, "Yes, but I like looking at your legs," and a wink.
Since it was still light out when we got back to the house, I donned my bathing suit and headed to the beach. I grabbed a towel on the way out and placed it on the sand. I looked at the ocean. The waves helped calm my sudden anxiousness. The party was the next day and I wasn't looking forward to it – at least not as much as Zafrina.
I knew I couldn't continue with the charade. I cared about Zafrina deeply, but my heart… my heart belonged to someone else. Even after five years, I knew there could only be one. The problem was, I didn't know if I could ever truly love someone else. I thought I could learn to love Zafrina, but she just wasn't enough. She didn't deserve what I was doing to her. If I couldn't give her love, I should let her go to find someone who could. Then again, if I couldn't love anyone as much as Edward, then I was better off alone.
Maybe this is what Marcus wanted me to learn about myself. It wasn't so much about moving on, but being comfortable with being alone so as not to hurt others, right? I had to be honest with not only Zafrina and anyone else I come across in my life, but with myself, too. Just the idea of breaking Zafrina's heart made me ill. I had hoped that the trip would help me love her more, but it hadn't. I knew that as soon as we got back to the states, I would have to break it off with her. I would miss her company, her body, the way she treated me, but it was the right thing to do. Until then, I had to continue the lies.
The sun was beginning to set, but instead of going back into the house, I walked to the water's edge. The soft waves crashed against my legs. I let the water rock me as I continued deeper into ocean. When I was just barely above the water, I lifted my legs and began floating on my back. The view was amazing. The setting sun, the rising moon, Venus, the Big Dipper, so many stars, it was magnificent.
%%%
December 28, 2009
EPOV
"Edward, you have been going to Recife too many times. É o meu trabalho!" Senna exclaimed as she entered my office, no doubt holding the receipts from the multiple flights to the city. "Why do you keep doing this?"
"I don't know, Senna. Something keeps drawing me there, so I figured while I'm there I'll pick up the supplies that we need. Besides, you've been doing so much work as it is and it's the holiday season, I don't mind giving you a break. Também tem sido muito tranquilo. Estou entediado," I explained.
Senna nodded. "Sim, sim. No one likes to be sick now. They want to party!"
"Apparently," I mumbled as I returned to the paperwork in front of me
"Ah! Festa! Sim!" She clapped for my attention.
"Hmm? What about a party?"
"My family has a festa para o novo ano. You are coming," she stated. When I looked up I could see that she wasn't going to take no for an answer, but I tried anyway.
"No…" I began.
"Yes. You will not be alone again. You depress me every year with no going out. It is a time to celebrate new life. You are coming." She walked out effectively ending any argument I would have said. I guess I was going.
%%%
December 31, 2009
I knew I should have stayed on the island.
"What did Senna get me into?" I muttered to myself. Approaching the house, I saw people scantily clad in carnaval wear and masks. Senna failed to inform me that this was a themed party. I was extremely out of place and severely overdressed in my jeans and button down shirt.
I walked in and looked around. My first thought was that the white furniture seemed just as out of place as I was. I moved further into the house, the music getting louder as I did. People were dancing samba and carimbo around me. I knew a few steps, but they put me to shame. I was beginning to feel uncomfortable and ready to turn around to leave when I heard my name called from behind a mask. I turned to see Senna coming from the crowd of dancers lifting a mask from her face.
"Edward! Muito bom ver você! Come, I have something for you and I want you to know my cousin who is here visiting from os estados." She pulled me towards a table that held a slew of masks and handed me one that had a tiger painted on it. "Put on," she commanded. I obliged, happily.
Senna dragged me outside to the pool deck overlooking the beach. "Zafrina! Onde você está?" She called out.
I stopped in my tracks. Zafrina? I knew that name. It couldn't be the same one, could it? A woman turned away from someone in a very short red dress and swan mask and walked towards us.
"Zafrina, this is Edward, o medico com quem trabalho. Edward, my cousin, Zafrina."
Zafrina removed her mask, as did I. It was her. I looked around suddenly interested in all the guests, curious to see if Bella was with her.
"You look familiar to me. How…"
"Edward?" came an oddly familiar voice from behind Zafrina. It was the woman in the red dress. When she took of her mask I gaped. It seems impossible, a dream, but there was no denying who was in front of me…
"Bella?"
Translations:
"Eu tenho um presente para você, querida." – I have a present for you, my dear.
"Mãe!" – mom or mother
"É tão bom finalmente conhecê-lo!" – It's so good to finally meet you!
"Não, não, me chame de mãe," – No, no, call me mom.
"É hora de comer!" – Time to eat!
"Venha!" – Come!
"Custa cento e cinqüenta," – It costs one hundred and fifty.
"Por que você está chorando?" – Why are you crying?
"É o meu trabalho!" – That is my job!
"Também tem sido muito tranquilo. Estou entediado," It's also been very quiet. I'm bored.
Sim, sim – yes, yes
Festa! Sim! – Party! Yes!
festa para o novo ano – a party for the new year
Muito bom ver você! – So good to see you!
Onde você está? – Where are you?
o medico com quem trabalho – the doctor who I work with
Okay? So? How was it? There are about one or two more chapters left. I'm working on the next one now and I'm about a third of the way through. Once again, if you made it this far, thank you for sticking around!