On the Edge of Wakefulness
Chapter 13
"Well, what the fuck do you all want?"
The aggression hadn't taken anyone by surprise. They'd been prepped. They were ready. The consultation room was heated, winter on the cusp of arrival outside the doors. There weren't any other patients in the room and it had struck Todd as strange. Lonely. He was so ready to leave this place of sickness, of memories that wouldn't stop thrashing his insides...
"They don't want anything, kiddo, they're here for you." Tim took slow steps into the room, heading towards his patient who had stopped the pacing. Todd looked better than he had in months, wearing casual street clothes, sporting smoothly brushed hair and a clean-shaven face. Looks aren't everything. Tim's heart pounded in his chest, not wanting to see him leave. Believing that if he walked out, all would be lost for him.
"The hell is that supposed to mean, 'they're here for me'? What bullshit is that?" Todd glared at the doctor who moved closer and closer, not responding as quickly as he should have.
"Answer me!"
"I asked them here to convince you to stay at the hospital. We need more time together, to get you on your feet."
"What?" he hissed. He fired glances at Kevin and Sam in the background and Viki out front. Then he punched the air, yelling, "You told me I could go and I wanna go! What the hell?!"
Viki broke away from the pack at the door and the sight of her triggered his weakness. How he wanted to run to her, how he wanted to feel her arms around him and hear her comforting voice. He squelched that need, however, and bit down instead, growling out a warning to her, "You're a traitor. GO AWAY!"
"No, I'm not going to do that," she answered solidly. "As long as I can help it, I will never leave you." She could see the terror in his light eyes, ones which easily betrayed him now, easily revealing his innermost hurts.
He kept glancing back at the people at the door and he felt the memories begin to sound themselves out, whispering to him, trying to pull him down. He shook his head, trying to keep their ghostly claws at bay. He dug the palms of his hands into his eyes, making a sound from the depths of his throat, his whole body shaking with upset.
Tim could see how volatile his patient was and briefly reconsidered his idea of intervention. He squinted, fingers pressing the bridge of his nose, mulling over his plan. He then decided to continue despite the trauma it might cause Todd. His patient wanted to be on his own so he needed to deal with whatever reaction he might have... on his own… at seeing his family.
"This isn't happening," Todd grumbled, heading towards the door, but Viki stopped him, placing her hands lightly on his chest, smiling warmly at him. She could feel a giving way in him, reminding her of that horrible last day at the Penthouse when she'd embraced him and he had let her, laying his head on her shoulder. How he'd needed her affection that day, how he'd pushed her away when he got it. Like now.
"Sweetheart," she said. "I'm sorry if we look like an army here. Tim asked us-"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know," he said, biting down on his teeth, his trembling visible. "He asked you to talk the lunatic into checking into the hospital." He paused, his eyes tearing up all of a sudden. "I'm not crazy a-and ... I wanna go home ..." Pain rushed through her and she wished for magic, knowing there was no such thing.
"I know you do. But I'm asking you not to. Not yet."
He gently removed her hands from him as he murmured, "I'll be fine." But then the truth snaked out when he added, "What does it matter anyway ..."
"The last time you told me that, you hurt yourself very badly. I would die if anything happened to you again-"
"I know what I did! I-I-I'm not gonna do it again! I can take care of myself, I'm not completely insane! A-a-and this place is making everything worse!"
Viki nodded, understanding, "I know it feels like that, but Tim has been helping you so much. It's just that you aren't quite well enough to be alone." As she spoke, her voice became increasingly desperate. "Listen to me, I love you more than anything in this world, as does Sam, as does Kevin, and-"
Todd spat, disgusted, "Kevin doesn't love me. That's a bunch of shit and you know it!"
"We want you as healthy as you can be. Let us help you get there, let Tim help you. Check yourself in. I beg of you, for me, for your children. For Téa."
He paused at the mention of Téa's name. His features softened and he lowered his head slightly. He so wanted to believe what she said, that Viki was here because she loved him, that saving himself would mean something to Téa. Maybe it even would bring her back to him. But Satan laughed inside of him– the chuckles working like a pick-axe–pulling him away from what she said. Lifting his hands to his face, he groaned into them. He then took a breath, his eyes ice cold on his sister. With a hard and certain tone, he said, "I always knew you'd turn on me."
Just then, Tim spoke. "Viki isn't turning against you, nobody is," he said. "You have serious difficulties and you're just beginning to learn how to manage them. You are so close! We just-"
"SHUT UP! You're all a bunch of fuckin' liars!" Todd pushed Tim out of the way who flashed an expression of frustration, but let him go. He stormed toward the door, his hands in fists, his teeth clenched. Darkened eyes. Kevin and Sam braced to be either punched or bowled over. Viki turned to Tim and begged him to stop her brother from leaving.
"Nothing I can do," he said. "The law isn't on our side." The doctor looked across at Kevin, expectantly. He was a trigger - things could get rough now.
Kevin took notice and dug in his heels as Todd headed straight toward him, stepping right in front of Satan. "No, Todd," he said. "You can't just leave."
Stopping short and lifting his head, Todd smiled at Kevin, canine teeth showing, "What are you doing? You are nobody to me."
"I'm asking you to stay."
Todd hissed, "Why? So you can continue to hijack my kid? Oh wait, no. You probably heard Téa is back. You want me locked up, so you can do my wife… again. Right?"
Kevin didn't take the bait. Todd was trying to push his buttons like in the old days but those days were gone. Instead of sending Todd to Hell, Kevin wanted to pull him out of it.
"No," Kevin said coolly. "I don't want what happened to you to happen again. It was ... it was bad."
"Oh screw you ..." He didn't want to hear it and looked away momentarily, running his hand through his hair, messing up what was previously neat.
"Listen to me, Manning – my mother's really suffered, I suffered for Christ's sake – a lot of people have been hurting for you. They love YOU. And I think one day your son's gonna love you, too. You should be there for him, for Starr, for all of them. And what can I say. I'm not gonna let you walk out this door just so you can go kill yourself."
Todd knew there was truth in Kevin's words, but they were hard to hear. So he resorted to his easy anger, snarling, "Oh that is rich. You're good. Now get outta my fuckin' way." He tried to step forward but Kevin stopped him again by moving closer.
"You can't go. You have to stay. Listen to my mom, listen to Tim."
Todd stared down Kevin, breathing hard, clenching his jaw, ready to mow him down. "Who the hell are you to tell me to stay?"
Sam finally got the courage to speak and pleadingly looked at his angry and frightened friend. "Hey, Boomer, Kevin's right," he said. "We've all been so scared for you because we love you and want you to be the strongest you can be before you step outside. Staying here will get you there."
"Oh you 'love' me, you all 'love' me." He turned around, glaring at his supposed rescuers and returned his gaze to Sam. "Come on, Sam! If you loved me so fucking much, then where were you when I needed you?"
Sam looked away a moment, having no good answer. "I can't make excuses for how I let you down. But maybe if you stay, I can do better this time around." Sam looked hard at Todd, his eyes open and pleading. "We don't want to lose you to Peter Manning. Don't let him win."
The name hit Todd hard and he took a few steps backwards. Immediate disconnect. "He's not gonna win, Coach. He's dead. I win. I do." His voice had softened and like clockwork, the memory of the rape snapped at him, the wails of the condemned souls moaning in his ears. Eyes closed, then opened slowly, because he felt a mouth on his neck, teeth grazing his skin. The room grew distant. His eyes roved the area around him and his breathing sped up.
Tim saw the shocking powerful effect of hearing Peter's name. Todd reached up and rubbed his head, a telltale sign he was losing touch. Viki recognized it too and her face crumpled with concern. This was the hard part of his illness, and he really needed to manage his reactions if he was going to walk out of here.
Kevin stepped closer to Todd, jumping into the gaping hole made by Sam. "No, Todd, he'll win. He nearly took your life that day in the Penthouse and I was there to see it. Do you know what I found that day?"
"Yeah ... you found me. S-so what?"
"Yeah, I found you all right. In your bathroom. On the floor. Oh yeah, it was rich."
Todd swallowed hard, that same distance in his eyes, licking his lips. He rubbed the side of his head. Kevin continued, blind to the effect his words were having, his voice heavy and ragged, taking a step closer. "Do you know what it feels like to hold a dying body in your arms?"
"Shut up…," he rasped.
"I know what it's like because I held you. You were cold. Lying naked in a pool of blood. You had carved up your arms, slashed them, skin, veins and muscle and the blood kept coming. I saw these... burns... on your chest, stomach and... You had no pulse, no breath. Your eyes, they weren't fully closed and I could see the color… could see the black… they didn't move, didn't react, nothing."
Viki burst out, "Kevin! Enough!" Thing was it was SHE who didn't want to hear this story, but Kevin ignored her and Tim put an arm around her to quiet her. Todd needed to know and he was listening. He stood still as the death Kevin described, entranced by the words.
"I screamed for help and your Coach came. He covered you up. Kept saying how you hated being exposed, how you hated showing skin… and I kind of thought it was ridiculous because you were fucking DEAD. I couldn't let go of your arms. You were losing too much blood. If he hadn't come just at that moment, you would have died. Do you understand?"
Every time Kevin said a sentence to Todd, he stepped closer to him, pushing him back, further and further. Todd's eyes had widened, he'd put his hands out. "Y-you're exaggerating," he stammered.
"What part are you denying? The blood? The scars? You being naked?" Kevin saw the shame on Todd's face and took all hellacious advantage of that little precious moment. "What is it, Uncle? What's wrong? Oh…" He whispered his next words, "You don't think I saw the burns on your dick, do you? Well, I did. All your secrets are out. All of them."
Todd spun around on his heels, covering his face, "Shut up, shut up, shut up…"
"I will never forget finding you!" Emotion caught in Kevin's voice as he said a truth that he had finally learned about Todd. "When I held you, your biggest secret of all was laid out in my arms… on your dying body. You know what that is?"
Todd just stood, his back to Kevin, hands on his face and saying nothing. Couldn't. His tongue had gotten tied, twisted, his brain popping and expanding with craziness and memories and… his body, too. All over him, he could feel the cold tiles, could feel the pain of the cuts, and the water… god, the water of the shower on his feet. And of course… beneath the cold sat the truth of him.
"Your biggest secret… that you are no different from anyone else, that you're human, fragile, and you bleed just like everyone else. You are a hurt person ... and you need help. Because all alone, you will die. Don't leave this place, not yet. Heal yourself with the support of everyone who loves you."
The truth… the truth of him. The ugly sad pathetic truth. Todd hardly even heard those last words from Kevin, something about him being human. That was where Kevin was wrong. He wasn't human and Peter had told him that over and over… had proved it to him. He stumbled into the room as opposed to out. His breath sawed in and out, his eyes glassy, confusion on his face. He rubbed his head with one hand and tried to guide himself with the other. "No, no ... I can handle this ... I can do this," he muttered to himself. He didn't know where he was going and bumped into Peter Manning's furniture, the fireplace right there, the couch… the green carpet.
Kevin was struck dumb, looking to Tim for help – but the doctor watched Todd.
Viki and Sam started to go to him, terrified and guilty as Todd began to unravel, but Tim ordered them to stay away, "Let him go!" He heard their shock at his command and he ignored them, focusing only on his patient. This was exactly what Tim thought would happen and he had known Kevin would do it.
Come on, kiddo, don't let the memories get to you. Prove me wrong, prove to me that you can handle this.
Todd fell to his knees and was shaking, his eyes unfocused and his breathing erratic. He heard the voice of his father pound down on him, yelling at him to get out of bed, putting his hand around his young throat. He felt the pulling down of his pajamas during those night time visits into his bedroom, into his bed, and felt his father's rough grabbing of his penis. He felt a rape, agonizing pain. But then the images fast-forwarded. He felt the sensation of a muffled scream against his palm and the forced entry into his victims' bodies. More, more. The images moved so fast he couldn't keep them straight, back and forth, back and forth. He tried to see them, tried to minimize them, click on them to go away, tried to see a beach or a park or his baby girl but it was a stupid concept because he was on his belly getting raped… and doing the raping right back…
...can't fucking see love and joy when you're getting murdered, MAN! When your insides are being ripped right outta you!
Tim watched Todd on his knees, grabbing at his clothes, at his own body, and then finally falling to his hands, groaning, saying incomprehensible words. He got close to him and said, "Handle this, Todd," his voice sounding cold to his observers as they stood in silent, nervous. "This is your deal. You want to be on your own. Handle it."
There was no response. Todd reached up and grabbed the chair that was next to him tightly, his knuckles white, tightening. He moaned and clenched his fist tighter, biting down hard, tensing up against the horrific images he felt and saw. The pictures were coming down harder and harder on him, the realness horrific. He could feel every touch, every grab and pull… and god, the pain. GOD. He was only in the past and he could not get out of it. And Peter was screaming at him, telling him all about his life: the rapes he would commit, the stalking of Nora Buchanan, the things he would do to Blair, to Téa. Behind him, Peter breathed in his ear about the loss of Michelle and the sweet love she'd had for him, the loss of Blair to Patrick Thornhart, laughing and pumping into him… Peter's breath… huffing the details of Blair having sex right in front of him. Betraying him. And then the loss of Téa as she walked out of that courtroom.
And finally, Peter was inside of him… and Todd was dying again. He fell onto the floor and curled up on his side, hoping to deflect the assault, the pain.
Beyond his awareness, Sam and Kevin ranted at Tim who held them back, staying his ground, knowing they hadn't understood the goal here. Viki cried out, "Good Lord, Tim! Please let me help him if you're not going to!"
Tim rounded on them, saying softly but firmly. "We had an agreement. If you can't take it, then you must leave. Now. This is Todd, this is what he has to deal with every day. Let him do it! I am giving him five minutes. When it's up, THEN I'll help. But until then HE has to do it. Got it?"
The family calmed. The orderlies had stepped into the room along with the nurse but remained back as Tim directed. "Give him time," he said. Tim marked the minutes by his watch. Todd was completely in another world, panting, fingers digging into the carpet's threads. Eyes open but not seeing in the present. The minutes passed, everyone's eyes on the patient. Viki was a wreck and could look no longer. She sat down and held her head in her hands, struck by her brother's aloneness, knowing to the depth of her that his fight would be a long one.
Finally Tim gave in, the time having expired, Todd not able to pull himself out of his hell. The doctor got down to him, pushing his hair out of his face, placing a hand on his arm. "Alright, kiddo, remind yourself of where you are. You did it before, you can do it now. You're strong, you're important. You deserve a life. Peter Manning doesn't control your destiny, you do. You'll win against him. Come on."
Todd wasn't connecting, lying on his side and digging into the floor, his eyes were vacant and his body was tight. His hands had curled into fists. Whatever was gripping him was powerful and consuming. Tim looked down at his patient, sighing heavily, moving his hand to his shoulder, then lightly patting his cheeks to wake him up. There was no reaction. He rubbed his own face, saddened by the failed efforts of his patient. He had known this would happen, and hoped it would lead to Todd making a decision to stay.
"Todd, it's me, Tim. Can you hear me?" Nothing. He didn't want to drug him, not yet. He could still hear Todd say that he could do this and he wanted to give him more of a chance.
Tim motioned to Viki to try to talk to him, which she did, kneeling close to him. She tearfully talked with him, rubbing his hair and face, "Todd honey, please, I'm here for you. Look at me – tell me where you are … please..." Seeing her distress, Tim softly assured her that Todd was okay and that she was doing fine. Another three minutes passed and seeing no change in his patient, Tim decided he had no choice but to sedate him.
Resigned, he turned around looking for the nurse, but saw Téa at the door with Jedediah behind her. Jedediah took one look at Todd and ran out. Téa stayed though, her eyes on the commotion. She saw her beautiful husband in sheer agony, grabbing the floor on his side, his eyes open wide and rolling back every few seconds, his lips parted slightly, struggling for air. "My god," she said.
Kevin turned to her, "Yeah… my mom told me he disappears like this, goes somewhere. It's bad. A flashback or something like that. He thinks and sees… the past. Like it's happening now."
"Oh Kevin…"
He only shook his head and then decided to chase after Jed.
Téa wrapped her arms around herself, hugging herself tightly, trying not to hear Todd whimper, beginning to cry or moan… but then she heard something in it. She thought it was her imagination…
The doctor looked right at her. He tilted his head and flashed her a very small smile. He caressed Todd's head and nodded, the whimpering continuing. And then she heard it again…
"Téa…"
He was calling her. Todd was… calling for her there in his darkest place of being. Sure, she could have followed Jedediah, she could have just continued to stand by. But she found that she could not. She'd walked away from him before and she just couldn't do it again. She walked slowly to him, through the room, past the fallen chair, past the other furniture. Tim watched her come closer as Viki continued to try to orient him, begging him to hear her. Sam was leaning against the wall, his hand moving to cover his face.
Tim gently pushed Viki aside, nodding toward Téa coming toward them. He was going to give Todd one more chance. Viki wiped away her tears, hoping Téa could help bring him back to reality. "Talk to him," she said.
But Téa didn't hear or see any of it. She only heard her name, only saw his ravaged soul exposed for everyone to see once again. Raw and naked. If his pain had drawn her before to him, he had now grabbed her with the force of a hurricane. She kneeled down in front of him, caressing his face as she whispered into his ear, "I'm here, querido. I never left you."
Still gasping for air, he reached for her, grabbing at her clothes, trying to crawl into her waiting body, throwing himself onto her. She took it. She didn't even flinch. She wrapped her arms around him and held him tightly, smoothing his dampened hair out of his face, and continuing to whisper to him that she was there, that she wasn't going anywhere. In seconds, his whole body settled, his low cries silenced, and he then slipped into the usual lethargy that he always experienced following these kinds of episodes.
He allowed her to cradle him, allowed the vision to hold him. He focused on her eyes and she smiled sadly at him. "Delgado," he said, not knowing if she was real or a part of his memory, "I want to go home ... please let me come home ..."
"When you get better," Tea said tearfully, "I'll wait for you, I'll be here for you ... they need you to stay ..." She couldn't go on, the pain running too deep. His suffering too real and plain. No more conjecture, no more guessing. No more theory. He closed his eyes once again, resting in her arms. His head rocked back and tears rolled down the side of his face.
Téa, he thought, I think you're just a dream. He was so tired. He inhaled a deep breath and let it all out quietly. A moment of peace, only a moment.
"Jed, wait!" Jedediah had heard Kevin calling after him but the elevator doors shut just in time. He had wanted to get the hell out of there, remembering Todd's warning all too clearly about Jed's search for his real father: You know, you might find something worse. Todd's meaning was unquestionable. He was worse, far worse than anything Jed could have ever imagined. The chilled air felt good, relieving. "They're all a bunch of freaks," he muttered.
The Mole pulled away from his watch and followed him, considered him, weighed his options. How many bullets does it take to eliminate a kid?
Once Jedediah reached the park, he threw himself on a bench and reclined back, listening to the squeals of a little girl playing with her mother. Didn't matter the passage of time, his mom's absence was as strong as it ever had been.
He reached into his pocket and pulled out the letter Kevin had hidden from him. The one which Kevin received at the Banner the day before and stuffed into his desk at home, obviously thinking it was best to hold this back from Jed. Shithead. Hidden no longer, dude.
Dear Mr. Buchanan,
I write this under penalty of perjury and at great risk. I could and would testify to the contents of this statement if asked to do so. A signed copy of this letter is in my safety deposit box.
As you may recall, my mother died but it was not an accident. She died because she wanted to tell the truth about Michelle' Chant's death. My uncle had wished the same thing but cancer hushed him before he could speak. So I am the only one left who knows the truth. And now, I cannot sleep until I tell the truth.
It was a Sunday, around noon, June 25. I was with my mother, Wilma Plankett and my mom's brother, Bud Wilkinson. The three of us were picnicking that day at the New River. An annual tradition. We sat at the picnic tables at Yeoman's Viewpoint. Suddenly, we heard a girl scream. We watched a man chase her across the grove of trees in front of us. He hit her and she fell to the ground. She had long brown hair and wore jeans and a flowered blouse. We could not quite see her face. We did not move from our spots. My mother held me and warned my uncle to stay put. That was their business and none of ours, she said.
The man ran after the girl around the bend and we could no longer see them, but we could hear her screams. Even above the sound of the river. The noise soon stopped and then we saw the man again. He looked stressed. He looked right at us but ran away.
We knew who he was because he had been in our local newspaper. Phillip Manning. He had been accused of embezzling a company in our town but all the charges had been dropped. We ran to the river's edge and couldn't find the girl. My uncle left us there and he ran to get help. About twenty minutes later, my uncle arrived with the entire police force behind him except his face was white with fear. He immediately corralled my mother and I and told us that we had to say it was a suicide that we witnessed. He said our lives depended on it. He said the girl had been reported missing. We had no choice. We reported it as such.
We lived in fear over the next five years. My uncle passed away and on his death bed, he begged my mother and I to tell the truth. My mother said no. She was not going to put me at risk. But soon, her brother's plea got to her. I begged her not to say anything. She finally called the police department, kissed me goodbye, and went to make a statement. She never made it. Her car careened off one of our mountain roads. No evidence. No suspects. I have always known the truth.
I do not know whether this will help you. I do hope you will be able to bring Phillip Manning to justice.
I sign this under penalty of perjury for the state of West Virginia.
Hannah Plankett
He had so many questions. Is this even true? Who was Phillip Manning? Why did he kill my mother? Why is the police force of West Virginia in on this supposed cover-up? Does Todd know him? Same last name. Shit. He realized the first place to start... was Todd himself. In other words, he had to go back.
Closing his eyes briefly, Jedediah heard his own voice, his own mother's voice. Explaining. Apologizing. The familiar dream of finding her alive took him once again as he drifted off to sleep. What happened to them? He lay with one arm behind his head, one leg up on the bench, the other down on the ground. Youthful comfort.
The Mole watched over him, visualizing the job from only a short distance away. Hated this kind of shit. Kids wasn't his thing. They were always innocent. His cell phone rang and he stepped into the trees, "Yeah?"
"Time's up and I need an answer. What's it gonna be?"
"Thought you gave me more time than this? The 24 hours isn't up."
"Changed my mind."
"One question, why didn't your goons kill him in Fayetteville when they had the chance? My scout said the kid was in the hospital. Got jumped."
"I don't have any 'goons' there anymore. Just a couple of informers. If I did, he would've been taken out. Now I'm running out of patience – what's it going to be? You gonna kill him?"
"Fine. I'll do it. Pay me 3/4 now, the rest when I deliver the goods."
"A package will be delivered at your usual drop-off in the a.m. With half the payment. And know that if you cheat me, I will kill you." The line disconnected.
The Mole put the phone away and fingered the gun in his holster. He then lit a cigarette, pulling it back out of his mouth and staring at the burning embers before he returned it to his lips and took a long drag off of it. He walked away leaving the young man on the bench.
The orderlies tried to move Todd away from Téa, but the moment they tried to separate them, he cried out and grabbed onto her. Téa was fine, if a little cramped at the tight hold he had of her. They remained this way for some time. Time came though. Tim had to wake him up. He had a critical decision to make.
Kneeling in front of Todd and Téa, he said, "Alright, time to get up. You need to talk to me. Let's go, kiddo."
He patted him gently on the shoulder. After a moment, he opened his eyes, directing his gaze to Tim, then to the face of Téa. He looked at his hands gripping her blouse and he let go. Realization hit him like cold water and he sat up quickly, crawling away from her. He had an expression of horror on his face when he finally turned around, sitting against the wall.
"Oh ... oh ... it happened again ... oh ... God ..." He looked around him, remembering, grimacing. "Oh my fucking god…"
"You're all right," Tim said. "Téa was able to calm you, connect with you. How-"
"Get the fuck outta here! All of you!"
Téa's face crumpled at his words and Viki grabbed her hand, putting her arm around her, leading her away. Téa knew he would do this, she had expected it, but it didn't hurt any less, the sound of his voice bringing back painful images. So with one last glance at her husband, Téa walked out of the room, Sam and Viki behind her. When they were gone, when he saw they were really gone, Todd started to cry into his hands, pitifully, hopelessly.
"Aw kiddo, I know it hurts."
"No, you don't know. You have no idea ... I couldn't fight it! I tried and tried and tried and it just kept happening ..." He sobbed, humiliated and broken.
"You just need more practice on your meditation. The important thing is you didn't hurt yourself. That was great."
"Oh, well, that's just perfect!" He laughed bitterly through the tears he couldn't control. "'He was delusional and totally insane, but safe!' Oh shit shit shit shit ..." Todd couldn't stop the hurt, the physical hurt, and he curled on his side on the floor. He cried softly into his hands, miserable no matter what his doctor said.
"It's all right. You're all right." He let him experience the sadness a moment, waiting for him to settle. When he did, he had to ask. "I need to have a decision from you as to what you're going to do. I need to either discharge you or admit you."
"Fuck you. You love this. To see me this way."
"No, I want to see you well. But you can be angry. And sad."
In a voice barely audible, Todd said, "I'll stay, damn it. I couldn't even take Kevvie with his usual garbage. Just hearing the name ... coming out of ... Sam's mouth ..." A new wave of pain rushed through him and he wrapped his arms around himself, pulling himself tighter into a ball. Tim breathed out a sigh of relief, thanking God that he gained a little time at least. For now.
After a few minutes, Todd uncurled himself and sat up. Looking at his doctor, he asked, "But I could leave anytime, right? I mean if I change my mind."
"Yes. No one will stop you, it's not jail."
"Can ... people still come here?"
"If you want."
"Like Tea?"
"Yes. Do you want to see her?"
"No. I just want to go to my room. My new one I guess." He rubbed his head and sniffled, tears running into his mouth. "I'm so screwed up ..."
"No, you're hurting from many things that were done to you, wrongly. I'm proud of you for staying. Brave."
"Yeah well ... fuck off. Just fuck off."
The sun's light slipped into room and wrapped itself around Todd, warming him like the lone good spirit that sometimes talked to him through the noise of Peter Manning, of Satan. He looked out the window and felt the heat on his face, closing his eyes to it.
Help me find my way out of this Hell, he prayed.
To be continued...