Roarkshop here: Welcome to the new and improved Sense and Flexibility. Big long authors notes are a thing of the past as I will post them on my blog from now on so those who do not with to read them, do not have to. Your comments, reviews, faves, and feedback are always read, appreciated, and loved. Thank you all for the tremendous support, you all are what keep me writing. Thank you so, SO much.
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This is a fan fiction, all themes and character belong to Bioware. No copy-write infringement intended.
(Updated 1/1/12)
Noveria was a struggle to say the least. Shepard had decided to bring Wrex instead of Alenko since they had done the insubordination tango. Plus, double biotic seemed like a bad idea since she didn't have Garrus for additional firepower. Killing Matriarch Benezia was hard. Not really difficult, but tough to watch. Liara listening to the things her mother was saying, resolving to help Shepard kill her. It wasn't a fun conversation, or a fun fight. Shepard may not have been crazy about Liara, but she was just a kid, by asari standards. Shepard never had any parents, but having to kill your own indoctrinated mother for the good of the galaxy? Yeah, that was probably a tougher lot. She could tell Liara just wanted it to all be over. She was all but absent the rest of the mission. There, but not in spirit. Like the husks from Eden Prime.
"I'm not going to destroy your whole species," Shepard said, crossing her arms. "I'll set you free."
"You'll...give us a chance to compose anew?" The Rachni Queen's drone asked. "Our children will raise their voices in song, telling tales of your compassion and kindness."
"Great," Wrex said with a scoff. "Bugs are writing songs about you. Mark my words, Shepard. You'll regret this."
"Enough out of you, Wrex. You haven't spoken two words together since landing and now I can't get you to shut up."
Shepard watched the Rachni Queen scuttle out of the giant test tube she was in. She hoped she had made the right decision. As they turned to head to the Hot Labs, she wondered idly what Garrus would have thought.
The Queen had told her that her children couldn't be saved. That the attempts to break and train them had left them as just shadows of what they should be. Honoring the request, she headed downstairs. And after talking to, yet another, incoherent scientist, a rachni jumped out of the floor and killed him.
"God damn it, can't this ever be easy?" she shouted as a stream of bullets filled the creature. She ripped the code she needed off the scientist and ran to the VI interface to input it.
"Twenty Seconds until purge," the VI crooned. They turned to run to the elevator just to find that the floor had been flooded with the giant creatures.
"By the Goddess," Liara chimed.
"We don't have time, go go go!" Shepard shouted, pushing them out the door.
"Fifteen Seconds until purge."
Wrex had no problem making it to the elevator, charging though and regenerating any damage done, then turning to pour out cover fire. Liara, on the other hand, was having a harder time avoiding the things. She didn't have a lot of armor on, and the biotics she used to shield herself were taking up too much time and concentration. Shepard shot anything impeding the professors path to get her in the elevator, pushing her forward.
"Ten seconds, until purge."
"Shepard, come on," Wrex called, shooting a rachni in the mouth.
Shepard raised her knee and heel-kicked Liara in the small of her back, making the professor plummet into Wrex in the elevator. Her foot was still in the air as a conical spine came through her stomach in a burst of crimson.
"Damn it, human!" Wrex shouted, sprinkling more bullets into the creatures. She turned and fired a shotgun blast into the face of the rachni, and used her hand to rip the spine's tendril out of the creature's head. She had enough presence of mind to know that she would bleed out if she removed it from her stomach, so she left it there as she turned towards the elevator.
"Five seconds, until purge."
She summoned the rest of her strength and hurled herself into the elevator just as the doors were closing, barely enough time before the explosion. She collapsed onto the floor of the elevator until Wrex picked her up. In her delirium, she thought the krogan seemed to be making a rather large effort to be gentle with her. But she was fading in and out of consciousness, so she couldn't be sure.
With the Commander in his arms, he charged back to the ship, trying as hard as he could to not punch Liara in the face. She hadn't stopped prattling on frantically, crying and wailing, since they were in the elevator. He wished she would just keep pumping medi-gel into the Commander's omni-tool while they ran and shut the hell up.
The few moments of clarity Shepard had before they reached the ship were sadness. Garrus was going to think this was his fault. She didn't want that. She didn't ever want him to be sad.
That's when the darkness hit her.
Garrus was stretching out his wounded shoulder after finishing up some touches on the Mako, it had healed nicely in the weeks since Therom, but it was still sore. He had planned on going downstairs to punch the bags around after the shore party had returned. Now that he thought about it, what was taking so long? They'd been gone all day.
Then Joker's frantic voice came over the speakers.
"Oh god, Dr. Chakwas wherever you are on the ship you need to get to the Med Bay right this second, the ground team is back, Shepard's... Oh god. Sweet Jesus! Somebody get to the hangar door to help Wrex!" It was the first time anyone ever heard Joker panic.
He didn't move right away, the panic in his chest took him by surprise. But it was only a matter of seconds before it was replaced by the rage. Stubborn human, he thought as he sprinted towards the doors. Stubborn, stupid, reckless human!
Before he even got there he could tell it was bad; The smell of her blood was overpowering. The sight he found when he got to the hatch door was even more gruesome. Wrex was covered in her blood, charging toward the Med Bay with her cradled in his arms, a huge pyramid shaped spine through her stomach. She was wincing and holding her stomach, and obviously not fully coherent.
"Spirits," Garrus said to himself, rushing to them. "What happened?"
"Blew up lab," Wrex said, speaking in machine gun sentences while running. "Lots of bugs. Stabbed her. Rushing to elevator. Didn't get on elevator in time. Made sure asari was on first."
"It was my fault," Liara wailed, tears streaming down her face, she was alternating between pumping medi-gel into the Commander's omni tool, and covering her with a biotic field to freeze her and keep her from bleeding out. "I didn't get into the elevator in time and she was stalling them so I could get in."
Garrus bristled with fury as he watched them lay her on the bed in the Med Bay. She was barely conscious, murmuring incoherently.
"Stay with me, Jane," Chakwas said, moving furiously over the Commander while her assistant tried to shove everyone out of the room. Wrex left without a second thought, but Liara tried to stay.
"Shepard, no! I can help," she wailed.
Garrus summoned all his strength to keep himself from throttling the professor right there. Instead he grabbed her by the shoulders and dragged her out of the room. They all sat outside the Med Bay window now, watching the Commander trying to speak to the doctor. The hole in her stomach was ghastly. Chakwas said something to her assistants. One closed the shutters on the window. And just like that they lost visual.
"What were you thinking?" Garrus shouted at the tiny blue woman. "She's the only thing important about this mission, how could you let her put you before herself?" Why wasn't I there, was really what he was saying. Why did I let myself get shot so that I couldn't protect her?
"I'm sorry," she cried. "I'm so, so sorry."
"Mr. Vakarian," the assistant called sticking her head out of the door. Garrus looked at her, his eyes still filled with fury, and snapped.
"What!"
"She's asking for you."
"Me?" he said, the rage easing away, pointing to himself.
"Him?" Kaidan repeated, more than a little upset at her choice.
He didn't move for a few moments, just swallowed and wondered why in the hell she'd want to talk to him. Now of all times. Him of all people. As Garrus made his way past the doors, he winced. Spirits, it was hard to look at her.
"She wants to talk to you, Mr. Vakarian," Chakwas chided, obviously not happy that she had to let him in. "I need you to keep her talking, keep her conscious."
He knelt down next to her head trying to get as close to the wall as he could to stay out of the doctor's way. He wished then that he was human. Salarian. Any other race that wasn't as big as he him. Thankfully he hadn't had his armor on and was just in simple civvies. But even on his knees he towered over her.
"Garrus," Shepard called, reaching her hand out to him. She was so weak, so helpless. It was like she was a completely different person.
"I'm here, Commander," he said, taking her tiny pink hand in his leathery taloned one. It was so small in his hand, so fragile. Her eyes fluttered as she fought to stay conscious. He tried not to look at the hole through her stomach. "I'm fighting a very strong urge to say 'I told you so', Commander."
Keep her talking. Keep her conscious, he thought.
She laughed once, then winced, "You're a dick, Vakarian."
"You love it," he said, trying his best to smile. Fighting the rage, fighting the grief. Keep her talking. Keep her conscious.
She pulled his hand closer to her face, squeezed it as hard as she could, but it was weak, he hardly felt it compared to the arm wrestling grip she had used just the other night. Her hand quivered with the effort. His heart broke for her.
"Garrus," she said doing her best to look into his eyes.
"I'm here Commander, stay with me," he put his other hand on the other side of hers, making her hand disappear between his two large ones.
"This isn't your fault," she said.
His face got hot. How did she know? Could she read the grief from his face? How did she know how ashamed he was?
"I should have been there," he said, his voice was low, he wasn't even sure she had heard him.
"No," she shouted, her eyes popping open, determination filling her face. "Don't - Don't do that, don't start. This is the way it is."
"Commander, take it easy, don't-"
Her eyes fluttered again. "Shut up," she said, fighting unconsciousness. Her breaths were fast and gravelly. "Shut your monstrous trap," she commanded. The power returned to her face, if only briefly. Sheer determination driving her to make sure she could get her message across. She took several large breaths, they were obviously very painful and he could hear the fluid blocking her airway. "You finish this," she said.
"Commander, you're going to be-"
"YOU FINISH THIS," she shouted, loud enough that the crew outside the doors probably heard her. Blood started leaking from the corner of her mouth and she turned her head away to cough, and it spattered the pillow. Her whole body was shivering violently now as she started to go into shock. But she fought it. God, did she fight it. A layer of crimson coated her bottom lip now as she spoke through clenched teeth. "You find that son of a bitch and you put a round through his ... God damn... stupid... pointy... face!" Another coughing fit, followed by a painful groan.
"We will, Commander, together." He wasn't quite shouting, but he was speaking more forcefully than he needed to be, desperate to keep her alive.
She smiled up at him.
"You have the fire of a great leader, they ..ugh... they will follow you." It was obviously getting more and more painful for her to speak, and it was taking much more effort to keep her head up. "This..." she said, letting her head fall back on the pillow, keeping her eyes on his. "This is why I chose you, Garrus... I know you can do this." She turned her head to cough again and her shivering hand started to to loosen her grip on his. "But me believing in you... doesn't... mean anything... if you don't believe in yourself." Her eyes started to roll as unconsciousness finally started over taking her. "Finish this, Garrus."
"I won't let you down, Shepard. I won't let you down!"
And in the pattern she always replied to him saying that, "I know," was all she said. Her head lolled and her eyes, still open, fell lifeless and to the side. He felt her hand go limp in his. The machinery in the room started to beep and scream.
"No wait," he said, looking around frantically then back at her face. "No, Shepard, come back," he called to her. "We need you," he said. It didn't even occur to him that he was calling her by her name. It wasn't about the mission. It wasn't about protecting the specter. Not anymore. She was his friend now. The only one he had. Protocol, rank, orders, none of it mattered. For the first time in his life he was looking at something that he knew, deep down, was more important to him than all of those things. And as the realization hit him of how badly he wanted her to live, he also realized that she was slipping through his fingers.
"Get him out of here," Chakwas said, as she hustled around the Commander. "Mr. Vakarian you need to leave so I can operate." He backed up out the door, holding onto Shepard's hand until the very last second, as he backed away.
"Don't you let her die, Chakwas," he said pointing at her. "Or I will make you regret it!"
He turned away and the doors shut behind him, leaving him in the darkness of the Mess Hall. He could feel the stunned, hopeful eyes of the crew on him as they waited for him to tell them what she said.
Garrus knew he needed to be calm. He knew he needed to say something. But the rage was so strong in his chest, he just erupted with a roar that cracked through the silent room like a thunderclap. He threw his fist into the metal hull of the ship as hard as he could. A deep growl rumbled through his chest until he took three deep breaths and forced himself to calm. Finally he turned around, heading towards the crew, trying to think of something to say to them.
"Garrus," came Tali's voice through her suit's speakers. Her gloved hands going to hold his large one. He could tell she was tearing up under the helmet.
"She's going to make it, Tali. She has to," he said to her. Not sure if he believed it or not.
"Well, what did she say?" Kaidan asked, half demanding.
Garrus made his way toward the intercom. "She said to finish this. With or without her," he said, manipulating the intercom button. "Joker," he said into it. "Set a course for Virmire."
"Y-yeah. Okay," Joker said hesitantly. It felt wrong to both of them.
"Wait a minute," came a shivering Kaidan. Rage in his face, closing the gap between them. "Who the hell put you in charge?" he said with an accusing finger.
"Who do you think?" Garrus snapped, though he immediately regretted it. He wasn't mad at the human, after all. It wasn't his fault.
"Why would Shepard put a turian in charge of an Alliance vessel?" Williams scoffed drunkenly.
"I don't know," he said turning to address them, rubbing the back of his neck. "But she did."
"And we're just supposed to take your word for it? Are we just supposed to skip chain of command? What about Pressley? A-and Alenko?"
"Cool your jets, Chief," Joker said. "I heard the whole thing. He's telling the truth."
Garrus took a deep breath and closed his eyes.
Fight the rage, he told himself. Shepard needs you to help them. She needs you to be there for them while she can't. This isn't their fault.
"I know this is hard," Garrus said, hoping he sounded calm, looking around the room. "None of you are mad at me. You're just mad. You're afraid. Hell, I'm afraid." He didn't even realize he meant it until he had said it already. That made him pause. "None of us want to do this without her. None of us wanted it to be like this. But this is where we are. We have a two week journey to Virmire, stopping first for supplies. Shepard will be joining us. I haven't known her as long as some of you, but it's long enough to know that she's not the type to be taken down this easily. Not when the mission is incomplete. I don't know why she chose me. I don't." He took a moment to exhale and he put a hand on Kaidan's shoulder. He hoped it was comforting. "But I know we all respect her enough not to question her. So until she's well, Pressley and I will have the deck."
He was right. They all knew he was right. Kaidan put his head down and Garrus felt him let the tension in his shoulders go. "I'm sorry, Garrus," he said finally.
"It's alright," he said. "I'm worried about her too."
"What about the Council," the Lieutenant asked. "They'll be expecting a report. Should we tell them?"
Garrus paused for a long moment, considering it. "No. If Shepard dies, the Council will ground us and then any chance we have of finishing the mission dies with her. I don't like it either, but our mission is bigger than Shepard, it's bigger than all of us. She made me give her my word that we would stop Saren at all costs, and we can't do that if we update the Council."
"You talk like she's dead already," said Liara.
He whirled on her. "Shut your mouth," he raged, pointing at her. "I'm inclined to think this whole situation is your fault anyway, so you'd do well to stop talking."
The girl shied away from him, tears streaming down her cheeks. He straightened and exhaled a ragged breath.
"She gave me an order," he said. "I won't let her down."
They all spent the night there in the Mess. Williams was drunk and passed out on the table, Kaidan was in shock, staring into oblivion next to her. Garrus was pretty sure Liara was praying and crying. Wrex was sitting up, asleep at the table.
It was some of the longest hours of his life. Tali sat down with two cups of coffee for them, drinking it through the filter contraption in her mask. It was creeping up on 0300 hours when Chakwas finally came out of the Med Bay. Tali, Liara, Kaidan, and Garrus all stood up at the same time as the doctor came toward them.
"I've done all I can," she said, wiping the sweat from her brow, her apron covered in blood. "Now it's up to her."
"Up to her?" Liara asked. "What does that mean?"
"She's suffered massive trauma to her stomach and abdomen. I've repaired the walls of her stomach, and her right kidney. I managed to stop the internal bleeding and cybernetics are in place until her stomach can start healing on its own. Now we just have to hope she's strong enough to come back to us."
"May we see her?" Tali asked.
"You may."
Garrus stayed outside while the other three headed into the Med Bay. He was essentially alone in the Mess, Williams and Wrex asleep as they were. He leaned over his knees in his chair and put his head in his taloned hands.
He hadn't asked for this. Why would she give this to him? Why would she put this on his shoulders? She must have really been afraid if she thought she needed to put someone in her place. Could he do this? Could he carry the banner without her? Could he lead a bunch of xenophobes to the conduit and stop this whole mess?
Me believing in you... doesn't... mean anything... if you don't believe in byourself/b.
The words echoed through his head. The determination in her face, the sound of her voice, her bright green eyes seeing through him. She gave him a charge, an important charge. An alien she had only known a few months. She trusted him to get this done, and he wasn't about to fail her. With or without her, he would stop Saren. If he was going to lead this team after all, he was going to do it with the fire and determination she had lit inside of him.
After a few minutes alone with his thoughts, he headed to the Cockpit to update Joker.
When the following evening rolled around and everyone had gone to bed, Garrus decided to go see Shepard. He was the only one who hadn't at that point. He didn't know why he kept avoiding it, telling himself that there were matters to be seen to, he didn't have the time. Everyone around him had been going about their business like she was dead already, mourning and crying, and talking about what they would have wanted to say to her, what she meant to them. It infuriated him. He had to carry on so that the mission would get completed, but he most certainly wasn't trying to act like he thought she wasn't going to wake up. He knew she was, she had too. The Shepard he knew wouldn't let something like this take her down. Chakwas said that the outcome depended on Shepard's strength. That alone should have told everyone she was going to wake up.
Still as the hours melted away, it was getting harder and harder to stay positive.
The Med Bay doors were already open when he approached them. He saw the back of Tali sitting next to Shepard. One of her gloved hands on the Commander's, talking softly to her. The scene hurt his chest. It was hitting everyone hard, she meant so much to everyone already. He was glad that Tali hadn't been in the Med Bay when Shepard had given him Command, the images still haunted him. Spirits, he couldn't get it out of his head.
"I don't have a lot of friends outside the Flotilla, Shepard," The quarian said. "Actually, I don't have any, besides you." She looked down at her lap then rested her helmet in her free hand. "I don't know if you can hear me, but if you can, I hope you can, you should know that we all care for you a lot. You're the only one who has ever been able to see me through my helmet, Shepard. You are the first person I've met since I left the Migrant Fleet who treats me like a person, not a scavenger, or... or a thief. For the first time, I don't feel like 'the quarian', I feel like a member of a crew." She laid her head down on the bed, muffling the speakers of her helmet in the blanket. "Your crew," he was pretty sure she said. She jumped when Garrus put his talon on her shoulder. "Garrus," she said.
"Hey, Tali."
"Erm... Dr. Chakwas said that she might be able to hear us," she explained, sniffling. "And if she can, I was hoping that maybe, um, I don't know..."
"That it would help her wake up."
"Y-yes. Something like that." She stood and turned to leave, obviously embarrassed. "Well, I should get back to the engines. Engineer Adams was waiting for me to finish some cleaning." She made it to the door and looked back at Garrus, who was now looking down on the Commander. "You should try it, Garrus," she said at last.
"Cleaning the engines?"
"Talking to her."
"I uh," he exhaled, rubbing the back of his neck. "I don't even know what I would say."
"Just tell her what you would want her to know, just in case you don't get the chance." And with that, she was gone.
Garrus took a deep breath and sat next to her, dwarfing her hand with his own. His mandibles twitched uncomfortably. He looked to make sure the Med Bay was completely empty and sighed.
"I'm not very good at this sort of thing, Commander," he said. Long moments of silence as he tapped his talons on the bed, only the beeping of the machinery to fill the void. "I'm not gonna lie, I feel pretty silly talking to someone who can't talk back." Silence again. "And to be perfectly honest, I'm not really comfortable with everyone acting like you're already dead." He noticed the soft rise and fall of her chest. That made him feel better. "I don't want you to die," he said. "I know you're strong enough to pull out of this. Anyone who really knows you, should know something like this can't keep you down. I would be disappointed in you if it did. You're better than this." He sighed and ran his other palm over her stomach. He could feel the mechanical whirring of the cybernetics knitting her stomach together. "You deserve better than this."
He started to shake his leg anxiously, bobbing it up and down on his toes, his anger starting to take over his grief again. "I had just got done telling you that you were the most important part of the mission. That you needed me to protect you. That no one else would put you ahead of their lives. But did you listen?" He exhaled slowly, putting the hand that had been on her stomach on his head, covering his eyes.
"Of course not," he said finally, looking at her again. "I could never tell you what to do. No one can." The minutes melted away as he sat there, just watching her, his head resting on his hand. "Listen, Shepard, you're my friend now. I don't have a lot of friends, so I really can't afford to lose one. So you should just drop the act and wake up." He moved his hand to the back of his neck and hung his head, staring at the threads of the blanket. "You can't die, Shepard. You make me a better man," he said quietly. "You make me want to be better. And I'm afraid of who I'll be if you're gone... Of what I would do with myself." It wasn't just true of Garrus, it was true of all of them. But he was, so far, the only one brave enough to admit it.
He heard her heart speed up almost imperceptibly and his eyes darted to her face. She was looking at him, her eyes half open.
"Obviously," she said weakly. "You would shoot Saren in the face like I told you to."
"Shepard," he almost shouted it, jumping up to lean over her, taking her by the shoulders.
"Garrus," she whispered, trying to smile.
He didn't know what to say. His mandibles stretched in what had to be a goofy grin. A wave of relief crashed over him. It made him brace himself on the bed, looming over her.
"First thing I see when I wake up is your ugly mug? I thought for sure I had gone to hell."
He laughed, harder than he had meant to, fueled more by relief than humor.
"You had me worried, Shepard. I thought I was going to have to chalk you up with the other humans who haven't been able to keep up with me."
She laughed as she tried to sit up. "How long have I been out," she asked just as trying to sit up proved to be a horrible idea. She surged with pain and the machine monitoring her heart rate screeched.
"Spirits, Shepard, what's the matter with you? Lay back down you stubborn human," he chided, his mandibles clicked and he wrapped an arm around her shoulders and helped ease her back down.
"Alright, alright," she said wincing. "You didn't answer my question."
"You've been out a little over thirty-two hours," he said, sitting back down beside her.
"God damn it. Tell Joker to head to Virmire," she said quietly.
"Already en route, Shepard."
She smiled. "Really? Good."
"Chakwas said there was a possibility you'd never wake up. We've all been really worried about you," he said to fill the silence. His voice wavering only slightly as his knee bounced up and down. "Not me of course," he joked.
She reached and took his hand in reply, giving it a soft squeeze.
"You were in really bad shape. We thought we might have lost you."
"From a stomach wound? Hah," she coughed as she said it. "If I don't go down in a ball of brilliant flames I'm gonna be pissed."
He laughed. She just looked at him, a haze over her eyes from the anesthetic. "I uh.. I should go let everyone know you're awake. Everyone is worried and Chakwas will probably need to have a look at you."
He stood to leave, but she didn't let go of his hand.
"Don't," she said, weakly.
"Shepard, you really should have the Doctor-"
"When did you start calling me Shepard?"
"I uh..." he cleared his throat. He had only just realized he was doing it. His mandibles subconsciously clicked. "Just felt weird calling you Commander while I officially out-ranked you."
"What's it like to be so heavily full of shit?," she said and he laughed, caressing the back of her hand with his thumb."I like it, though," she said. "Friends don't use titles, right?"
"No..." he said squeezing her hand. "I suppose friends don't."
"Don't tell Alenko," she said, knowing he wanted to get the Doctor.
"What?"
"My head," she grunted. "It's killing me, and the last thing I need is Alenko clinging to my side like a lonely puppy, all wide-eyed and desperate."
He nodded. "I'll just get the doctor in here."
"You're a good friend, Garrus."
"Takes one to know one, Shepard."
Shepard didn't remember much about the next few hours. The last thing she really remembered was Garrus running interference with Alenko outside the window, watching him explain that she was going to be fine, and that the Doctor needed everyone out of the room for now. I really lucked out with that sniper, she thought before she fell back into unconsciousness.