Roarkshop here: Welcome to the new and improved Sense and Flexibility. Big long authors notes are a thing of the past as I will post them on my blog from now on so those who do not with to read them, do not have to. Your comments, reviews, faves, and feedback are always read, appreciated, and loved. Thank you all for the tremendous support, you all are what keep me writing. Thank you so, SO much.

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This is a fan fiction, all themes and character belong to Bioware. No copy-write infringement intended.

(Updated 1/1/12)

The smoking ruins of the Presidium marked their victory. They had done the impossible. Jumped a Mako through a mass effect relay, killed the creepy Sovereign/Saren hybrid, the Normandy lead the charge against the Sovereign ship when the hole in its shields presented itself, and the burning shreds of Sovereign littered the Presidium. Thousands of humans died to save the Council, the people who represented all life in the galaxy. It was a victory. It came at a high price, but it came.

And it was bittersweet.

"Captain Anderson," Garrus heard someone shout. "They're over here!"

Garrus had covered Tali instinctively since they had been together when the remnants of the Reaper came crashing down all around them. They were huddled together in the recess of a large piece of the ship they couldn't get out of.

"Take it easy.. it's over, you're safe now. Where's the Commander?" Captain Anderson asked urgently.

Tali looked over at the giant burning pieces of rubble on the far side of the room where Shepard had been.

"She couldn't have made it," one of the random crewman said, grief already intruding on his tone.

"She's not dead," Garrus chided, almost laughing. "You obviously don't know her very well." He stood and stretched his neck, nursing his hurt leg.

"Garrus, it landed right on top of her," Tali said sadly. "I saw it."

"I'll tell you what," he grunted. "If after all we have managed to survive, Shepard was killed by something as ridiculous as falling rubble I will, literally, eat my boots."

"I'd love to see that," Shepard said as she climbed one of the burning pieces of rubble, making her way to them and cradling her broken arm. "But you're ugly enough, you don't need to fuck your teeth up to."

The two of them laughed together, harder than they had intended to. And as the relief of the situation settled, soon everyone was laughing. Not because anything was funny, just overwhelmed at the joy that came with victory. An expensive victory.

After spending the next day in various states of repair; treating wounds, fixing the ship, etc, the whole Normandy crew ended up at Flux for some much deserved shore leave. Most were cheering and whooping; getting happily drunk. The ground team, however, sat silently together. They exchanged meaningful glances with one another, each having more respect for those around them than they ever thought they would. Each with an untouched drink.

"Well, here's to us," Kaidan said, raising a glass, breaking the silence. But that didn't feel right. So Tali added to it, raising her own glass.

"To the future."

"To Understanding," said Liara.

"To doing it right, not doing it fast," said Garrus, looking to his right at the Commander.

"To victory," came Wrex.

They all waited.

"To those we lost on the way," Shepard said.

They all clinked their glasses together, and drank.

For some of them that was their last night on the Normandy, sleeping in whatever quarters they had. Shepard helped Tali, who got drunk far too easily, back to her quarters, saying goodnight to the small quarian as she exited. She figured she should head to her own quarters, as almost everyone else had by this late hour, but sleep wasn't going to come to her. She knew that. So she left the ship again. Hands in her pockets, she eased down to the end of the docking hangar and sat, staring into the night sky. She sat cross-legged, leaning back on her hands to stare up at the moons, the stars, everything illuminating the night. It was all so big. It was all so fragile.

The minutes melted away as her brain kept busy, thinking about everything that had happened. Everything that would happen. Everything that needed to be done now.

"Permission to give company, Commander," came a familiar gravelly tone behind her. She smiled and leaned her head back over her shoulders to look at him, standing over her.

"Granted." He handed her one of the beer bottles in his hand and moved to sit next to her.

"He said that one is safe for humans," he said as he hung his long legs over the side of the hangar.

"Whatever," she said with a smile. He leaned back on one hand and held the bottle in his other out to her. She clinked the neck of her bottle with the neck of his, and they both drank. In silence.

"You're not coming with me, are you?" She said, finally. Garrus exhaled through his nose, looking out on the void. "It's okay, Garrus."

"I told you I was going to go back to specter training. I meant it."

"Good," she said with a nod. "It's not like C-sec was going to give you permanent paid leave to fly around the galaxy with me," she said laughing.

"No, I suppose they wouldn't." He looked over at her, leaning back, staring up at the stars. Sadness washed over him. He didn't know why, and he didn't know how to stop it, but there it was. He took the weight off his hand and leaned down on his elbow, his body facing her, but turning his head too look back out into space. "What happens now, Shepard?"

"Now we prepare, I guess. The Reapers are coming. We can't just sit back on our laurels and wait. There's an entire army of bad guys out there and the word needs to be spread." She took a swig of her beer and nudged him with her elbow. "What about you? What are you planning on doing after training? What's Specter Vakarian's future?"

"I'm not sure. I guess that's the benefit to being a specter. I can do whatever I want, right? " He laughed a little and looked up. "Within reason, I imagine."

"And what is that?"

He looked over at her.

"What's what?"

"What is it you want?"

His mandibles clicked, his eyes traced the details of her face. "Well," he said chuckling, taking a drink. "I'd be lying if I said I hadn't enjoyed the last year and some months. Death and violence aside."

"God," she said looking back up at the stars, her thick lazy curls cascading down her back. "It has been a year, hasn't it?"

"It certainly has."

Silence.

"Well," she said, easing herself onto her back, unfolding her legs to dangle over the side of the station. she rested her head on her hands and her hair fanned out under her like flames. "As long as the Normandy is in one piece, it'll always have a place for you."

"Is that so?"

"It is."

He smiled, his mandibles opening unconsciously. "Thanks, Shepard."

Her head rolled to the side too look up at him.

"I couldn't have done this without you, Garrus."

With her laying on her back, and him leaning down on his elbow, they were almost touching. He hadn't realized how close they were until she looked at him, and he could feel her breath on his face.

"Sure you could have," he said, cleverly dodging the sentimentality of what she had said. "Not as stylishly, of course."

They both laughed together. And that's where they stayed until they watched the sun rise the next morning.

They went their separate ways after that.

Garrus returned to specter training, like he promised Shepard he was going to.

Wrex returned to Tuchanka.

Tali, with the information Shepard gave her on the geth, returned to the Flotilla with her pilgrimage gift, promising to tell tales of her kindness and keep in touch.

Kaidan continued to serve on the Normandy along with Liara who didn't have anywhere else to go.

Shepard stayed in contact with all of them, but none more regularly than Garrus.

Garrus was covered in sweat from training, so he jumped into the shower at his apartment and was drying off when his terminal pinged with a message from Shepard.

He didn't know it would be the last thing she sent to him.

"Dear My Favorite Creature From The Black Lagoon,

Sorry to hear that Specter training is shitty. I wouldn't know, obviously. Being the pinnacle of my species and Apex Predator that I am, I shot straight passed training and into specter-hood. But you already knew that, didn't you? Don't worry, buddy. You'll get there! Don't be discouraged by the fact that you'll never live up to my name. You can't hold yourself to the same standard as me, that's just not fair to yourself. Keep trying. If you try really hard, I'm sure you can come in second!

Not that being a Specter is all rainbows and glory anyway. They have me out here looking for geth since they're still investigating the rubble of Sovereign to try and prove that it was a Reaper and not some super advanced geth-ship-of-doom.

I can't blame them, though. I wouldn't want to believe it either.

So what I'm trying to say is this: Hurry your leathery ass up so you can join me on the Normandy again and we can either kick synthetic ass, or at least entertain each other while we do nothing. I don't know if we'll find anything out here, but I know it'd be a lot more fun with you on board.

I miss your ugly face.

-Jane"

The letter left him laughing. He heard her sarcastic tone in his head as he read, as if he was actually hearing her say it. She was scheduled to be back in a month and they were supposed to get drinks. It was late and he was tired, so he decided to reply to her in the morning. She was probably sleeping now anyway.

Garrus awoke the next morning like any other day, dreading training. He started his coffee and checked his messages. He was going to reply to Shepard, but he realized he was running later than usual and just grabbed his coffee and headed out the door. The whole building hushed as he walked in.

"Vakarian," said his instructor, rushing to him. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here for training," he said confused. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"I thought for sure you would have taken at least a few days off, considering."

"Considering what?"

"He doesn't know," someone whispered.

"How can he have not heard?" someone else behind him asked.

"What's going on?"

"Garrus," his instructor said, trying to stay calm. "The SSV Normandy went down last night."

"...What?" He had to have heard wrong. That couldn't have been what happened. Shepard had just sent him a message.

"They were attacked by an unknown enemy in the middle of the night, the ship was disintegrated. Most of the crew survived but... there were casualties."

"Who?" he demanded. "WHO?"

"I-" the instructor shook his head. "I don't know the details, Garrus."

His mug shattered on the ground as he abandoned it, sprinting out the door. This couldn't be happening. The most advanced ship in the alliance fleet? Brought down just like that? Shepard wouldn't have allowed it. Joker wouldn't have allowed it. Something was wrong. Something was terribly wrong. He never ran so fast in his life, his mandibles pulled so tight against his jaw they started to hurt.

"Where is she?" he shouted as he burst into Councilor Anderson's office, even with guards trying to restrain him.

"It's alright," Anderson said to the guards, waving them off. "I was just trying to contact you, anyhow."

"Where is she, Councilor?" he commanded again.

"Garrus," Joker said from behind him, his arm in a cast, sitting in a sling. His face was wrought with sorrow, streaked with tears. "Garrus, I..." he couldn't finish. His head sank into his free hand.

"She didn't make it out," Anderson said.

The words echoed in his head. The room had started spinning. His mind was refusing to process the information.

"It was my fault, Garrus. I wouldn't leave the god damned Cockpit and she had to come get me. She stayed behind to make sure my shuttle made it out." A shotgun burst sob punctuated his sentence.

"No..." he said, his vision blurring. This couldn't be happening. It was all a sick joke. His hands went to either side of his head. White hot rage filled him, the blood rushed through his ears making his head pound. He could hear his heart quicken. He was losing control, and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

"I know this is hard to accept," Anderson said putting a hand on Garrus' arm. Garrus grabbed him by the wrist and Anderson crumbled under the force of his furious grasp.

"No! She didn't overcome everything and endure the endless betrayal of your filthy species just to go down with the damn ship! This can't be happening!" he raged as the guards tried to restrain him from behind. He released Anderson's wrist to grab the shoulders of a guard behind him and threw him over his head, Anderson's desk splintered and shattered under the force of the guard's weight. Three more coming in to restrain him.

"Get off of him," Joker shouted.

They brought Garrus to his knees, his breath heaving out of his chest. His mandibles clicked uncontrollably. The growl was deep in his chest, furious, he was a wild. He shifted his weight and threw a guard with the arm he was trying to restrain him with. He crashed into the window, and slid down the wall. Garrus stood and turned to the turian guard on the other side of him, and hurled his fist into his face, shattering the turian's face plates. The guard stumbled back, dazed, and Garrus whirled on the third guard, who threw his hands up in surrender.

"Get a hold of yourself, Vakarian," Anderson shouted. Garrus' military instincts responded, and he roared at the man, but stopped what he was doing. Anderson held Garrus by the shoulders, shaking him as the turian shivered under his touch. The world slowly came back into focus.

"I-I'm sorry," Garrus huffed, realizing the destruction he had caused. "I- I didn't... I'm sorry." he said, backing out of the room.

He ran.

He heard Joker call for him as he ran out, but he didn't know what else to do. He just sprinted and sprinted until he found himself back at his apartment. He hurried inside and locked the door behind him. He moved through his apartment slowly. Almost like a ghost. His breath still heaving out of his chest in a rush. He looked out the window at the Citadel below him, going about its business as if nothing had happened. He erupted in a roar and punched the window as hard as he could, cracks splintered it and he felt the bones in his fingers break. He destroyed anything he touched. Dishes, end tables, his private terminal. Anything to help him deal with the rage. It wasn't until he made it to his bedroom that he stopped.

There it was. Her book. On his end table. He traced a talon down it as he sat on his bed. He held it in his hands, and her scent filled his nose. Citrus and earth. He slid off the bed to sit on the ground and moved his hands to the back of his head, elbows on his knees. He hung his head in silence, and stayed like that throughout the night.

Garrus thought almost idly what a cruel place the universe was. Why was it now, sitting on the floor of his bedroom, head on his knees, that it all came to him?

Why did he only realize just how much she meant to him now that she was never coming back?

The ceremony was a week later. Garrus had resumed specter training. He had to. With Shepard gone, who would help prepare for the reapers? He felt like he owed her that much. It was an added bonus that training took his mind off the pain.

It wasn't supposed to be big but hundreds showed up. It seemed like anyone who had heard about it took the time. People who Shepard had never met made an appearance, just to offer thanks. Everyone but the Council.

With no immediate family to speak of, it fell on her mentor, now Councilor Anderson, to speak for her. The ground team stood at the front of the crowd. Garrus was holding Tali's hand on one side, and was holding Joker's shoulder with the other. They were all distraught. Liara sobbed into her hands, Dr. Chakwas dabbed at her eyes with a tissue, even Urdnot Wrex was silent and mournful.

Beside the empty coffin was a large holo of her face, smiling that easy smile, her vibrant green eyes filled with laughter. It was hard to look at.

Everyone brought something to put on her coffin. Most brought a rose, or a hand-full of demael flowers. Some brought trinkets, stuffed animals, hand written notes. Tali brought a holo of the two of them Garrus had captured in the Mess Hall on night. Wrex brought a gun.

Garrus was the only one to bring her favorite flower. He figured he was probably the only one who even knew what it was.

It was orchids.

He was dreading it. Like placing it up there made it final. Like he could hold on to her as long as he held onto it. When Joker came down, tears streaked over his face, Garrus made the long way up the stairs. It felt like an eternity. His hands trembled. Not knowing what else to do, he did what he had done the last time he wanted to bring her back.

He talked to her.

"I uh..." his voice cracked but he fought it down. He had to be strong, if not for himself than for her. "I'm not very good at this, Shepard," he said. "You should know that by now."

Silence.

"I thought about bringing your book, Pride and Prejudice. I thought about giving that to you now. But... But I couldn't do it. It's all I have left, Shepard." He cleared his throat to hide how his voice shook. "I don't know what to do with the anger you've left in your wake. I'm so angry at you," he said. He said it like it was a confession, like he was ashamed of it. "I'm so angry that you would wriggle your way into my life, and care enough about me to make me into the man I always wanted to be, that you always knew I could be... To make me depend on your friendship, and count on it like it was a limb, or, or...or family. Like it had always been there, like it was always going to be. To make me feel what it was like to trust someone so implicitly, only to...to-" He cleared his throat again when it threatened tears. "Just to die. Leaving me with this...just immense... phantom pain where you used to be."

He set the orchid on her coffin, and left his hand there for a moment. "I won't forget you, or what you taught me," he said as he caressed the wooden box under his hand like she was in it, like he was comforting her. He hung his head, and his other hand covered his face as he tried to compose himself, shivering. "I don't think I will ever stop missing you, Shepard," he said, as single, quiet sob shook his shoulders. Several moments and deep breaths later, he straightened up and removed the hand from his face. "And I will not let you down," he said finally.

He paused, as if waiting for her to tell him she knew, but it never came. She was gone. He let his hand slide off the coffin as he turned to exit the stage. He held his head high as he made his way through the crowd, returning to his spot among her crew. His rightful spot. After Tali took her time she moved into his arms, and he held her tight as she cried against his chest.

Garrus stayed and helped with the initial rebuilding of the Citadel. He had to. The Reapers were coming and without Shepard to lead the fight, who else was going to step up? No one. He had to fight for her because she couldn't any longer. He couldn't let her down. Not now. But it only took weeks for the Council to start dismissing all of Shepard's warnings, claiming them as the deluded ravings of a specter who had become too involved and over-tired. Who had fallen victim to Saren's charismatic nature and was persuaded to believe in the "Reapers". No one wanted to believe in a super race of sentient star ships who were coming to wipe out all organic life as they knew it, so the lies were believed easily. Too easily.

Garrus tried. He fought. For weeks he tried to keep her warnings alive. To carry on her work. But no one would listen. Even Kaidan started doubting it all. He hadn't really seen anything that proved the Reapers existed since Shepard never took him on the important missions. Fickle, fickle, humans.

He couldn't take it anymore. He decided he would keep an ear to the ground on the Reaper situation, and when he was needed, he would fight. Not for the Council, not even for organic life, but for Shepard and her memory.

He grabbed his few valuable possessions, and booked the first trip out he could, determined to never be exposed to bureaucratic crap, red tape, and run around laws ever again.

"Departure for the Omega cluster departing from Deck C," Avina chimed.

"Passage for one, please," he said.