Naruto: A Cliche Parody

by NarutosBrat

This is a parody of all the most cliche plotlines in fanfiction that I can fit in to this story. Rated M for consistency.

3. Demon Meetings and Ghastly Greetings

Disclaimer: I should probably warn you, you'll likely be asking me what the hell I'm smoking by the time you finish reading this chapter. Whether you feel I should share or go to rehab will depend on you. And speaking of smoking, what in the hell is Madara Uchiha smoking. Three reasons why I say he's smoking something: 1. He came up with a persona like Tobi, nuff said, 2. Moon Eye Plan, with all of its falts and holes in logic, 3. After everything he's done, he blames everything that didn't go his way on other people.

Also I don't own Naruto or Mister Rogers Neighborhood.

Wave Arc Changes

1. Haku's gender

2. Madara has a severe allergic reaction to tomatoes

888

As Naruto made his way down the road to the Hokage Tower, he couldn't help the sinister grin on his face, and the almost evil gleam in his eye. Unfortunately, the citizens of Konoha also noticed these devious attributes, and the irrational fear, as well as the angry looks and glares, seemed to escalate. Feeling the sudden change in atmosphere, and realizing what had happened, Naruto paused.

"Eheh, sorry about that." He said. "Yes, I do have some very deviously evil plans in store, but none of them are for anyone in this village. No, these plans are for the Fire Daimyo's wife's cat. Tora no Yoko will rue the day she decided to torture the Genin of Konoha." Insert evil chuckle.

Naruto wouldn't know it, but his comment had actually made a few people stop, and rethink their opinion of him. These people, some lifelong Genin, or the parents and relatives of current and past Genin, were beginning to think that maybe they'd been wrong about the boy.

888

As Naruto entered the Hokage's office for mission assignment, he found himself suddenly pinned with a pair of glares, a single look of amusement, and two exasperated stares.

"Uh, sorry it took so long." Naruto said. "It took me a little longer than expected to come up with a suitable death trap for that evil little demon cat. Then it took me some time to make it non-lethal when I remembered that we aren't allowed to kill the Daimyo's wife's cat."

"Naruto, what were you thinking?" Sakura didn't notice the looks of awe, adoration, and hope, that the three elder shinobi gave to Naruto, but Sasuke did. It was at this point that he began to wonder if the stories that he'd thought exaggerated, were actually understated.

"Well, in any case, if that's all, then good luck with Tora." The unsaid, 'you'll need it' had all three Genin on edge.

888

Half an hour later, and Naruto was just a tad miffed that most of his traps hadn't been used. All that work for nothing, because Sakura had gone all prissy, and missed her cue to push Tora towards the next set. Oh well, there was always next time; time to break out Plan B. Afterall, he'd stocked up on explosive tags for a reason. He still had fifty left, and he only needed ten of them for Plan C. As Naruto was imagining all the fur flying from the revenge Plan B would instigate (sure he was against revenge, but Tora was a special case), Sasuke came over the radio, saying that he had the demon cat cornered.

With a smile and chuckle reminicent of Orochimaru, Naruto took off towards where Sasuke had trapped the satanic kitty. As Naruto makes his journey to his teammate, I'm struck with a need to give a random, but somewhat significant bit of information. It should be noted that Naruto would completely forget about the traps he'd set during the course of his next mission, but this wouldn't be the last time they played a part in this tale.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled fanfiction to bring you the following Public Service Announcement. Arrogance and Overconfidence are the downfall of many ninja, and the following scene will prove that even the most noble of people can be brought up short by it. It just goes to show, the fourth wall ability does sometimes backfire, and that choosing me as his author partner (especially with my sometimes sadistic humor), could bite him in the ass.

Naruto landed next to Sasuke, and gave a sinister grin to the cat. Next to him, Sasuke glared at the cat with a menacing stare. The third person that had her cornered was also staring angrily at her, but that was more for trying to get her dirty than the scratches that the two boys were sporting.

Now Tora was a cat that had lived a long time. An unknown demonic lineage had resulted in her having encountered numerous humans trying to bring her back to that squeezing woman, and before her the heavy-handed constant petting woman, and before that the creepy kissy face woman. And while yes, her frequent escapes were an excuse to get away from the overweight, over-affectionate women, they also served another purpose; one she hoped this jaunt would allow her to take care of. She just had to get away from the three humans trying to catch her.

Her long life had given her a bit of a strategy in achieving this. The females of the species were the weak link, and attempting to dirty them always provided enough of a distraction to hide, and plan. The only time this didn't work, is when the female of the group was just like the males of the group- she shuddered in remembrance of the brown haired human with the pointy throwing things she'd encountered several times last year, the purple haired girl she'd encountered nearly a decade before, and the redhead that had laughed in a most disturbing tone as she tried to blow her up- but luckily this one had proved to be the norm. Plan of action decided, Tora made her move.

As Tora ran towards Sakura, the girl again screamed, and dodged out of the way. As a result, Tora again escaped capture, and earned Sakura twin glares from her teammates.

"What?" Sakura complained. "Her paws were dirty, and this dress is new."

Naruto gave a slight twitch. Something was wrong here, Sakura couldn't have been this frikkin pathetic the first time around. There was just no possible way he'd have been so enamored as to have missed that, would he. No, no, Sakura wasn't this pathetic, NB must be making her this bad.

"Sakura, I thought we were past this prissy phase." Naruto said. "We're not going to have to have another discussion about this, are we?" Sakura shook her head, remembering the lumps, cuts, and bruises that their last discussion resulted in. With a motion of his head, Sakura gave chase, and the two boys quickly followed. A few moments later, they caught up to the feline, but not before...

"Damn it, she went into the bushes." Sakura said. Sighing, Naruto created a Shadow Clone, which henged into a cat.

"You know what, I'm sick of this cat, and this mission, I'll get her." Naruto said, sending the clone in. After all, no point in getting himself clawed up by that rabid little monster. Shortly after the cat entered, the bush started shaking from what looked to be a fight, before things calmed, and suddenly a deep voice, like melted chocolate, began to sing.

Naruto looked around in confusion. He hadn't asked for any kind of changes, and he was pretty sure he'd already used the two for the Pre-Wave mini-arc. As the voice permeated the air along with the seductive tune, Sakura's face rapidly turned a vibrant shade of red, and she found herself pulling at her collar from a sudden flash of heat. About this time, the bush again started shaking, and the sound of a cat's spirit dying echoed from the foliage.

Several minutes later, the music, noises, and bushes came to a halt- punctuated by a loud catlike noise (that will likely scar the three Genin, one more so than the others) erupting from the bushes- and the clone stood and walked shakily out of the bushes, a traumatized look on his face. Tora soon followed him, almost obediently, looking mighty pleased with herself, and rubbing against its leg. The clone then popped, and a second later Naruto paled, and started vomiting.

"Naruto, what-" Sakura began, only to be cut off.

"I don't want to talk about it." He growled. "Ever!"

888

As Team seven walked leisurely back towards the Hokage's Tower, Tora resting comfortably in Sakura's arms purring contently, sending almost flirtatious looks in Naruto's direction. Naruto could no longer take it. Letting his body go on auto-pilot, he dialed up a mental conversation with You-Know-Who...

Answering Machine: You've reached Voldemort. I'm out spreading terror amongst the Mudbloods and Bloodtraitors. Please leave your na-

Oops, wrong number. Let's try again, shall we?

"Hello?" NB asked. "Oh, hey Naruto, what's up?"

'What...was...that?' Naruto spat in his mind.

"Just a little lesson in humility." NB stated. "And really, even you have to admit it was a damn good prank."

'Prank my ass. That was mental, and potentially accessory to sexual, abuse.'

"Come on, I permanently solved your Tora problem." NB said, then mentally added. 'And you only have yourself to blame for picking me.'

'Yeah, but I can't believe you made me lose my virginity to Tora.'

"Technically it was a clone's virginity, and maybe that was Karma's way of having me get you back for avoiding that kiss with Sasuke. You know women in anime have disturbing obsessions with yaio, and I highly doubt that the deities are any different." Naruto pouted. "Bah, don't get your panties in a twist, I'll make it up to you, alright."

'Whatever.' Naruto griped, cutting the connection, and finding himself almost immediately brought into his subconscious for a chat wth a certain fox.

888

Naruto watched with some trepidation, and some amusement as Tora had the life squeezed out of her. Still, one of the things he'd planned on doing when he became Hokage was finding a way to spare the Genin repeated exposure to this mission.

"Ne, Shijimi-obasan, you might want to ease up a bit on the hugs." Naruto said, gaining the woman's attention. "And maybe get her a boyfriend. I think the constant death hugs, and lack of companionship might be the reason she keeps running away." Lifting the cat by the arm pits, she looked at her shocked into stillness cat.

"Is that twue Tora-chan." The cat made a pitiful sound, and found itself pulled into another hug, though thankfully less smothering. "I'm so sorry Tora-chan. Let's get you home, I've got some nice tuna, and a big bowl of cream to make up for it. Then we'll go find you a nice boy kitty." The shinobi in the room were shocked when the cat gave Naruto an almost thankful look as the woman paid her tab, and left. Ridding the Genin of Konoha of the monstrocity that is Tora would be only the first instance in Naruto's soon to be great legacy.

"Right, well congratulations on both catching Tora, and breaking the previous record by nearly eighteen minutes." Sarutobi said. "Now, for your next mission, we have babysitting an elder's grandson, shopping in a neighboring village, or helping with potato digging." Naruto gave out a sigh, as did Kakashi, Sarutobi, and Iruka, knowing what was coming next, or so they thought.

"Okay, run those by us again." Naruto said, forestalling Iruka's planned lecture. Raising his brow, Sarutobi gave the list another look.

"Babysitting an elder's grandson-"

"Which elder?" Naruto interrupted.

"Konohamaru and his friends." Naruto created a Shadow Clone which strolled up to the desk, and held out his hand for the mission request.

"I know exactly how to keep those three busy." Naruto said as the clone accepted the form, and left the room. "Consider it done, next."

"Shopping in a neighboring village." Sarutobi said, then paused.

"Client?"

"Nurse Kaori Tachigawa," He answered. "She needs help carrying a shipment of burn healing balm ingredients back to the village."

"Okay, she likes me." Naruto said grinning, before creating a dozen clones, giving them a mental note to mention Hinata's uber salve to Kaori-nee. One went to get the mission request, while the others waited for him by the door.

Kakashi, Iruka, and Sarutobi had to fight the trio of eye rolls at his declaration. Anytime Naruto was in the hospital, that woman doted on him like she was his mother. Probably would be had she not been too young when he was an orphan, and certain elements not made such a stink about about it when she was old enough. "And the last one."

"Helping pick potatoes for Ashida-san." Naruto grimaced.

"Ugh, he doesn't like me."

"Why, what'd you do to him?" Sakura accused.

"Haven't a clue." Naruto said shrugging, though those in the know knew exactly why. "First time I met him, he chucked a potato at me."

"Oh." Sakura said, wondering why someone would do that. She hadn't wanted to hit Naruto until after he'd started getting on her nerves; and that hadn't been until Naruto got jealous after she'd started crushing on Sasuke years ago. Before that, he'd actually been okay, and she had to admit, an oky guy.

"Ne, jiji, you got something we can trade that one for?" Naruto asked. "He might end up losing more crops than we can harvest, and you know he'll try and say we failed, then blame it on me."

"Perhaps you're right." Sarutobi said, looking at his list. "How about trash pick up at one of the training grounds?" Naruto grinned, and created twenty clones.

"Consider it done." He said. As his clones filed out with the mission request, Naruto gave the Hokage a cheeky grin. "Now, can we finally get a C-rank, or do you have anything else for us aside from that potato mission?" The Hokage looked at his scroll, and found that while he did have several missions left, they were all requests from people who thought like Ashida-san."

"Hehe, alright, if you want it that much, I'll give you a C-rank." Sarutobi said. "I have just the one. Iruka, if you would." Iruka bowed, and went to retrieve the client.

"Very good use of your technique, Naruto." Kakashi praised.

'Second most awesome teammate, ever!" Inner Sakura cheered as Naruto completely wiped through all of the boring assignments, and got them their first C-rank. Sakura couldn't help but agree at that moment. Not only had he gotten them out of three boring D-rank missions, but he impressed the Hokage, and got them a C-rank. 'Sasuke-kun is still the best, though.' She thought.

"You're still a Dobe." Sasuke grunted.

"And you're still a stuck-up, sissy-teme."

When Iruka returned moments later, he brought with it the scent of strong sake. As the man began complaining, Naruto began a chant in his mind.

'I will ignore his insults, I will ignore his insults, I will ignore-" Nope, didn't work. "Okay, first of all, fuck you, you old drunk. Second, while she may be by far the weakest shinobi in this room, even Sakura could break you in half with minimal effort." Naruto had to fight back a smirk when Tazuna paled. "We're more than capable of handling bandits, especially with Kakashi-sensei along."

"Right, well I'm the super bridge builder, Tazuna." The drunk said. "I expect you to protect me until my bridge is complete."

"Yeah, yeah." Naruto said. "I just hope you don't drink that much on the job."

"Why you-" Tazuna was ignored.

"My first C-rank mission, I've been looking forward to this for a looong time." Naruto said, an unsettling grin on his face.

"Glad to hear, you may go. " At the dismissal from the Hokage, Kakashi took charge.

"I want you meet at the gates in an hour." He said. "Pack for an extended trip."

As Sarutobi leaned back in his chair, he opened a drawer, and pulled back a secret compartment. Reaching in, he pulled out the jar with his special pipe blend. While he was impressed with the way Naruto needled that C-rank, and even with the way he'd dealt with an uppity client, he didn't like that look on Naruto's face. Combining that with the headache he'd gotten from his paperwork...he deserved a nice break. Opening the jar, he noticed that he was running very low. As he filled his pipe, Sarutobi made a note to contact Mr. Nice Guy. Something told him he was going to need a lot of his special tobacco by the time Naruto returned.

As the three Genin were exiting the tower, Sakura turned to Naruto, and gave him a genuine smile.

"I never thought I'd say this, but what you did in there, you're a genius." Sakura gushed, surprisingly. Instead of accepting the praise, Naruto's eyes hardened.

"Sakura...do not...ever...call me a genius again, got it?" Naruto hissed. Naruto had met many a genius in his life, and sadly, the only one that could be considered even somewhat normal and sane was Shikamaru.

888

Seventy minutes later Naruto skidded to a stop in front of his teammates.

"Sorry I'm running late, but when I stopped by Sakura's house to see if she wanted to walk with me, I ended up getting molested by her hot mom." Naruto said. "Surprisingly, their family's hair is naturally pink." Noticing that Mt. Sakura was going to blow, that Naruto seemed to be lacking in any kind of supplies, and not wanting to miss the chance to take a free shot at the Dobe- especially with how often he found himself on the receiving end- Sasuke decided to break in.

"Where're your supplies, Dobe?" He taunted. "Did the lessons on basic mission protocol get lost in that empty head of yours, or are you just too stupid to realize you'd need to pack." The smirking Sasuke was brought up short when Naruto pulled a scroll out of his pouch.

"Actually, I've got everything I need stored in these storage scrolls." Naruto replied, grinning as Sasuke's smirk turned to a frown. "They're a lot easier to carry, and harder to lose than those packs you're carrying."

888

Naruto strolled easily along the path, only half listening to Kakashi's explanation on the shinobi nations, and how only the Great Five had leaders called Kage. Really, this kind of stuff should have been taught in the Academy...actually, it was taught in the Academy, third year. And she really had the highest test scores in the class?

"Wow!" Sakura exclaimed. "Hokage-sama is the best."

"Did you just second guess the Hokage?" Kakashi asked.

"And in front of a client, too?" Naruto added. "Geez, Sakura. You do realize that the Hokage has been nicknamed the God of Shinobi in every country, is the only man to defeat both the Sandaime Tsuchikage and Salamander Hanzo in single combat, and trained three of the most famous shinobi in history, the Legendary Sannin?"

"Good job, Naruto." Kakashi gave his eyesmile. "You're quite knowledgable about Sandaime-sama."

"Hey, I'm gonna be Hokage some day, and I plan to surpass all of the others." He said. "I gotta know my Hokage history to do that."

"What can you tell me about the Yondaime, then, aside from the Kyuubi and that he was Yondaime."

"Minato Namikaze, also known as the Yellow Flash. Became known as such after the creation of the Hiraishin no Jutsu, which he used to great success in combination with his other created technique, the Rasengan. He's the youngest Hokage ever, but he's also the most famous, and often said to be the strongest." Sasuke said, smirking. In his mind, he was vowing to find a way to learn the two techniques, as they'd be very helpful in killing Itachi.

"Good job, Sasuke, anything to add, Naruto, Sakura?" Naruto turned to Sasuke and grinned, deciding to wait for Sakura to add her input. The information he had on the Yondaime wasn't from any textbook, and was stuff that only someone particularly close to him would know.

"He was the student of Jiraiya of the Sannin, and teacher of Rin Okama, Obito Uchiha, and Kakashi-sensei." Kakashi gave a wistful smile. Sakura smirked at Naruto, thinking that between her and Sasuke, Naruto didn't have anything left.

"Let's see," Naruto started, rubbing his chin in thought. "Minato Namikaze, born January 25, about 34 years ago, to Chuunin Sora and Jounin Yumi Namikaze. His father was killed early in the Second Ninja War, and he was fully orphaned near the end when his mother's unit was ambushed by Rock ninja before the ceasefire notice reached the front lines. Having lost both of his parents to war, Jiraiya of the Sannin took a liking to the kid, and became his unofficial sponsor, but maintain his fledgling spy network, he was unable to formally adopt him. He soon became Jiraiya's Genin when he graduated, after Jiraiya requested him specifically. After he became a Chuunin, Jiraiya took him as his apprentice away from the village for a few years. They would return just in time for him to be promoted to Jounin as a pair of rookie Chuunin- Rin and Obito- lost their sensei and a teammate to combat. Kakashi was added to the team, and they were all placed under Minato as their squad leader.

Later in life, briefly dated a Chuunin named Yami Uchiha. Their relationship was never allowed to take off, because she was a clan brat, he was an orphan of little prestige, and her clan was full of Sharingan wielding doushebags." Naruto took great pleasure in Sasuke's reaction. "She would later be killed in the skirmish that sparked the Third Ninja War. Anyway, Minato began seeing another kunoichi, a childhood friend, shortly after he and Yami were forced to split. Soon after, he began work on the jutsu that would change the tide of the war. On a side note, it was she who taught him the art of Fuinjutsu, the very skills he'd use to both create the Hiraishin and defeat the Kyuubi. Soon after the war was over, they married, but the identity of the kunoichi has been classified. There were even rumors that he'd had a child with his wife, but they were never confirmed." They all stared at him in absolute shock. "By the way, Sasuke, he's considered the most gifted Hokage, and third strongest. Jiji is the strongest of the Hokage, followed by the Shodai."

"Naruto, you baka, stop trying to make things up to seem like you know something."

"Actually, with the exception of his origins, which you'd have to ask Jiraiya to confirm, everything that Naruto said was the truth." Kakashi said amazed, causing the other to Genin to balk. "While not classified, that information is not very well known."

"I told you, I know my Hokage trivia." Naruto said. "I bet you never knew that I'm related to the First, did you?"

"Tch, yeah, that'll be the day." Sakura said. "If you're related to the Shodai, then I'll go on a date with you."

"Shodai Hokage Hashirama Senju married Mito Uzumaki." Naruto said. "Their first child, a daughter named Yumi, married back into the Uzumaki Clan, and was the grandmother of Kushina Uzumaki, my mother." Naruto smirked at the girl. "Don't worry, you don't have to if you don't want to."

"Naruto," Kakashi asked. "Just how did you find that out?"

"Plothole." Naruto said, shrugging, and walking ahead. Kakashi's shoulders slumped, knowing that if he thought too much about this mystery plothole, he'd just wind up with a headache.

It was a few minutes later that Naruto sighed, spotting something that he'd completely forgotten about.

'I forgot about them.' Naruto thought. 'Hey, are we really doing the Demon Brothers thing? I can't think of anything fun to do to them that hasn't been done better already.'

"Well I don't have have anything clever to add to the situation either." NB answered. "So I figure, it depends."

'On what?'

"On whether you're still holding yourself to the promises you made before." NB replied. "You made a promise when you stabbed yourself in the hand last time, that you'd never need saving and that you'd never be afraid and run. I think that might have been fairly significant."

'If I say yes, can we skip this part?'

"Yup."

'Then yes, I'm still keeping all unfulfilled promises, and select completed ones.'

"You know that means you have to go knock up the Demon Country Priestess, right."

'Crap, I forgot all about that one.' Naruto mentally murmured. 'But how can I do that when she doesn't know who I am? There's also the fact that we may not get that mission this time, and there's no guarantee that things will occur in such a manner that she would want me to.'

"How about we stick with manga promises for now?" Naruto nodded, confusing his teammates and client. "So it's said, so it shall be."

Little did our hero know, but a certain priestess in training would begin to have almost daily visions, and nightly dreams about a young man bearing a Konoha headband- who resembled the fabled Yondaime of Konoha with whisker marks- helping her pass her powers on.

Because we've decided to skip the event, the fight with the Demon Brothers was rather anti-climactic. After slicing what they thought was Kakashi to ribbons, they went after Naruto, only to be interrupted during their declaration of "Two down." by the blond elbowing them both in the face. When Sasuke decided to 'save the day', the combination of the stunning elbow from Naruto, and the mule kick from Sasuke knocked the two Chuunin out. After a quick interrogation of both Tazuna and the Demon Brothers- who Naruto proceeded to strip of their clothing and equipment, earning praise from Kakashi- it was decided that they would continue the mission.

888

"Quack quack." Naruto said suddenly once they'd reached Wave.

"Quack quack, what's that supposed to mean?" Sakura asked.

"Duck!" Kakashi ordered, pulling Tazuna down. The three Genin ducked just as a massive sword flew over their heads, well, Sakura and Sasuke did as Naruto had already hit the deck.

The group climbed back to their feet, and took in the new arrival.

"Wow, that's a seriously big sword." Naruto mused. "Over-compensating much?" Zabuza nearly fell off his sword at the comment. Sakura's jaw dropped in shock, Sasuke's face took on a slightly constipated look (he was trying to look cool by not laughing), and Tazuna let out a slightly drunken snort of laughter. Kakashi's eye crinkling was the only thing that gave away his amusement. Even the hidden Haku was giggling softly to himself.

And so the battle began; and really if you've read the manga and enough fanfiction, then you pretty much know how this one goes. Well, there was one exception. A tiny little alteration that both NB and Naruto agreed someone should have thought of before.

"Ne, Kakashi-sensei, I can understand playing up the helpless role to make him think he's got you trapped, but how long are you just going to sit there?" Naruto asked. "I mean, spring the trap already."

"What trap?" Zabuza asked.

"Naruto, stop stalling, and run." Kakashi yelled.

"Wait, you mean to tell me that you can't think of a single way to escape?" Naruto's tone was incredulous. Turning to his female teammate, Naruto grumbled. "This is exactly why I said never call me a genius. Being a genius means you lose simple things, like common sense." Once again, Sasuke and Sakura were forced to wonder whether they had seriously underestimated Naruto.

"What the hell is this kid on about, Kakashi?" The Jounin shrugged.

"Kakashi-sensei, do you not have several somethings sharp at your disposal?" Naruto asked. "And is it also true that so long as he wishes to keep you locked in that jutsu, he cannot move his hand? So why don't you take the chance to slit his wrist, or at least jab a kunai or something into his hand?"

So shocked were they, that it took almost five minutes for either of the two Jounin to do anything. In the end, Zabuza almost lost his hand, and again, Kakashi escaped, and pulled his little 'monkey see, monkey do' routine. Then, of course Haku showed up, took Zabuza away, and he was again designated the pack mule for a chakra exhausted Kakashi. Instead of giving himself back problems, though, Naruto decided to just drag Kakashi to Tazuna's house by his feet. Sure, Sakura bitched at him the whole way there, but it was well worth her harping.

888

"Good morning all." Kakashi said, surprised, yet happy to see his student reading. After informing them that Zabuza was still alive, he'd hoped they'd do as they'd done back home, and start training themselves.

He was glad that at least one of them was still trying to keep busy even while he was out of action. His smile, had one been able to see it, was wide with pride. He was still weary from his bout of chakra exhaustion, and needed the help of a crutch to get around, but it was still time to get to work. If he was right, then they only had a bit over a week to get ready.

"Whatcha reading, Naruto?" The Jounin asked.

"The Uzumaki Guide to Manipulating Elemental Affinities." Kakashi's smile began to fade. "I'm a wind type."

"Naruto, where did you get that?" Kakashi asked.

"It came with the Uzumaki family scroll." Naruto replied easily, pointing to the rather large scroll sitting next to him. 'Man it's awesome having a friend beyond the Fourth Wall. Even if the scroll hadn't existed before, since there's so little knowledge on his clan in the series, and the author wrote it in, it does now.' Leaning over, Kakashi found a scroll that was easily as tall as the Forbidden Scroll, and more than twice in girth. How he'd missed that when he entered the room, he didn't know.

"And just where did you get the Uzumaki family scroll?" Kakashi asked. "Your mother said that the only thing left of your Clan's after Uzushiogakure was destroyed were the basic sealing books, and the sealing techniques that she and the Shodai's wife brought with them. All of which are being held by the Hokage as part of your inheritance when you fulfill the requirements." Sasuke and Sakura could only stare on in shock.

'The Dobe/Naruto was from a clan?' Sasuke and Sakura thought. Before you ask, yeah, they did forget that conversation from last chapter.

'Am I the only one who doesn't come from a powerful clan?' Sakura added seconds later.

The answer to that question, Sakura, is no. But the irony of the whole thing, is that her clan was almost totally wiped out by the Uchiha during an attempt to form an alliance. The reason, because they were a clan in the same region that had the potential to be as powerful as the Uchiha. The crazy bastards couldn't deal with any other clan being as powerful as them, and tended to go on genocidal romps. The only reason that they didn't do the same with the Senju, was because Hashirama Senju could easily kick their strongest member's ass even when weakened by the flu. And no, Madara was never able to live that down, and it was part of the reason he was so pissy all the time, had been so adamantly against the alliance, and eventually tried to attack Konoha with Kyuubi.

"Um...really big plothole?" Naruto tried in answer to Kakashi's question. Kakashi stared at him for several moments, before deciding that he'd rather not know, as that meant that he wasn't responsible, and wouldn't have to answer to the Hokage about it. It was then that Kakashi's words really registered with the last Uchiha.

'The Dobe had an inheritance from a powerful clan.' Sasuke thought. 'Maybe there was something he could use against Itachi.'

"Dobe, give me that scroll." Sasuke demanded, shocking everyone at the table.

"No." Naruto replied, offended that the bastard would just demand he hand over his family's stuff. "I don't see you sharing anything your family left you, so why should I?"

"Because not only do I need that power to kill my brother," Sakura, of course, swooned at his declaration. She was halted mid-swoon by Sasuke's next comment. "But neither you, or that pink waste of space are strong enough to use, or even deserve, them." Both she and Naruto frowned.

"You know, Sasuke," Naruto said. "If you weren't such a dick, I might have let you borrow the section on fire affinities. But now, you can go burn yourself. Maybe you'll get lucky, and turn that duck's ass hairdo into something respectable." Sasuke gave him a fierce glare, and walked away, vowing to just borrow it when Naruto went to sleep.

'Yeah, tell that bastard, Naruto!' Inner Sakura yelled, punching an imaginary opponent. Sakura, for her part, was undecided on whether she wanted to slap Naruto for insulting Sasuke, and agreeing with her Inner Persona.

Kakashi gave a sigh of exasperation. While they'd gotten lucky this time, and normally Sasuke completely deserved it- especially this time- this far too common happenstance was starting to grate on his nerves.

"Naruto could you please not antagonize and mock Sasuke?" Kakashi said, getting annoyed at hearing the Uchiha rant about his pain and anguish everytime Naruto did something like this to him.

"But he makes it so easy."

"While that is true, you should be mature enough to show some restraint." Kakashi said.

"I'm twelve, I'm not supposed to be that mature yet."

"Then do it for the sake of my sanity." Kakashi said. "I'll even teach you the one Fuuton jutsu that I know if you stop for at least the duration of the mission." Naruto thought about it for a moment, before nodding.

"Deal." Naruto grinned.

"Alright, you two get ready, I'm taking you down to the docks to start you on Water Walking." Kakashi said. "I'll go get Sasuke, and we'll be on our way."

888

Almost as soon as they'd arrived at the docks, things had gone downhill. After showing them how to perform the technique, Kakashi had left them alone to work, while he guarded Tazuna at the bridge. Naruto let a snicker loose as he thought of what a fight between a nearly crippled Zabuza and a severely weakened Kakashi would be like. The one piece of advice he'd given them, was to start at the shallow end, and work their way to the deeper end as they progressed. Given his knowledge and experience with the technique, it didn't take long for Naruto get his footing in the shallow water, and move to deeper sections. Sakura, whose chakra control was pretty damn unnatural, and who asked for help, got it soon after, but had to rest after each bit of progress made, given her limited reserves.

Sasuke on the other hand, was still trying to get his footing in the shallow end. His pride wouldn't allow him to ask for help, and when either Naruto or Sakura offered to help him, he'd snap at them, and tell that he didn't need any help from weaklings. Naruto didn't bother asking after that, and Sakura only bothered two more times before she gave up as well.

Once he'd gotten far enough into the water that his feet no longer touched the bottom, Naruto placed his hand into a familiar seal, and with a sudden burst of chakra, created over a hundred Kage Bunshin.

"Naruto, what are you doing?" Sakura asked from a few meters away.

"Well, since I get the memories and experience of my clones when they pop, this will help me speed up my progress even more."

"Naruto, that's cheating." Sakura yelled.

"And Sasuke being able to copy and learn something without having to do anything but watch it done with his Sharingan isn't?" He asked. "Look, I'm man enough to admit I have the worst chakra control on the team, and having Kage level chakra reserves doesn't help that fact. We both know I need all the help I can get."

Sakura gave an annoyed sigh, she couldn't really deny his words after all.

888

Several hours later, two Genin entered the home of their Wave Country hosts. Both had looks of happiness at the progress they'd made, and couldn't wait to get back out the next day...unless Kakashi-sensei decided to have them on guard duty. Naruto was now back up to where he'd been before his training trip with Ero-Sennin, and was hoping to start sparring with his clones the next day. Sakura had finally gotten to a point where her feet no longer touched the bottom. She'd profusely thanked Naruto for the soldier pill, for she'd have never made it as far as she had on her own flimsy reserves.

As for the third Genin...well he didn't do so well. Seeing his teammates progressing so quickly on something that he was struggling with had stung his pride. He'd only made it to the knee deep waters, and had walked off to sulk around midday. Sasuke wasn't worried. He was still better than the Dobe and the fangirl, and once he had his Sharingan activated, he'd be able to see exactly how to do it. When he finally returned from his training, he gave Naruto a glare of epic proportions (well, it was epic in his mind, rating only about 14,562,317th all time), before immediately heading up to the room he shared with Naruto. He didn't have the scroll with him, so now was his chance to ste-ahem, borrow, yes borrow something useful from the Dobe.

Kakashi returned several minutes later with Tazuna, just as Tsunami began bustling around the kitchen. This is not to be confused with the bustling of a certain redhead matriarch from another unnamed series with an extrememly disappointing climax and ending. No, unlike that other woman, Tsunami used a technique that women like her employed to great effect, and that most often they didn't realize they were using; one I like to call the MILF bustle, and boy did it work for her.

"So, how did things go with your training?" Kakashi asked, already having an idea of what occurred.

"I'm up to a point where I can start training on top of the water." Naruto said, surprising Kakashi. "My large reserves and Kage Bunshin help a lot, so it shouldn't take long before I can do it without thinking about it."

"What about you, Sakura?"

"Well, I got pretty far with it," Sakura answered. "I'm up to a point where my feet no longer touch the ground, but I still have to concentrate." Kakashi's brow raised.

"I gave her a soldier pill." Naruto interrupted.

"Naruto-" Kakashi started.

"Don't worry, I gave it to her in pieces." Naruto said. "Her reserves aren't currently large enough to withstand the boost a whole pill can give you at once. She'll probably have to rest tomorrow, but no harm done."

"Hmm, well you're a little farther along than I thought you'd be, but that's a good thing." Kakashi said, rubbing his chin. "What about Sasuke?"

"He's gonna be awhile." Naruto said, sighing. "A combination of not improving as fast as he felt he should be, and the fact that we were progressing faster than the 'elite Uchiha' hurt his ego, and he wouldn't accept any help. He got up to his knees in the couple hours that he was working on it, which is pretty good all things considered, but it's like he doesn't understand that he's not going to be the best at everything, or something. I mean, with Sakura's lower reserves, and insane control, she's not going to have much trouble with any of the chakra control exercises."

"Oh, and why do you say that?" Kakashi asked.

"Well, considering that until she really starts hitting puberty most of her chakra reserve increases will come by way of chakra control exercises, any growth she has will already be properly controlled. Unless I'm mistaken, her level of control far excedes her reserves, and she'd probably have no trouble maintaining Sasuke's reserves as is."

"And with you, the stupidly high level chakra reserves you have means that you'll be able to keep practicing long after your teammates have tired, and with you gaining the experience of your Kage Bunshin, your progress is accelerated as well. By the way, how many did you have working on this?"

"A little over a hundred, but I didn't start using them until after my feet stopped touching the ground." Naruto saw the question in Kakashi's eye, and beat him to it. "And before you ask, I've been doing a lot of research on chakra control exercises for obvious reasons. I've read up on the theory of Water Walking, and my family scroll had some tips as well."

"Well, I'm proud of your progress." Kakashi said. As he prepared to inform his students about the schedule for the next day, they heard a loud voice proclaim.

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" The loud yell drew the attention and attendance of every shinobi in the house to the sound in an almost instant; well Sakura took a little longer, but only because she didn't have the luxury of a certain jutsu.

With Shunshin on their side, Kakashi and Naruto arrived in time to see a huge wraith- one that looked incredibly enough like 'Demon Aura Kushina' as his sensei liked to call her uber pissed mode- placing its hands into the Tora seal, and jamming them up Sasuke's ass. A loud girlish scream echoed in the room as Sasuke was lifted off the ground, and dangled in the air like a coat on a coatrack. Seconds later, the wraith flashed, Sasuke eyes went completely blank, and the wraith disappeared, dropping the boy unceremoniously to the ground.

"Naruto, I thought that we agreed you wouldn't antagonize Sasuke anymore for the rest of the mission?" Kakashi said, putting his traumatized student to sleep with his Sharingan.

"That wasn't my fault, it was part of the protections on the scroll." Naruto replied defensively. "Besides, it's his fault for trying to borrow my stuff without permission." Kakashi sighed, knowing that in this case, he couldn't argue logically, and beginning an argument with Naruto that was devoid of logic...he didn't want to risk that at the moment.

888888888

Kakashi, Sakura, and Sasuke arrived at the bridge to find it covered in Mist. The workers were all lying on the ground, moaning in pain, and the ninja that they had decided was Zabuza's accomplice was kneeling next to one of them, while several of Zabuza's water clones were standing over them. Just as they moved to rescue the workers, specifically the one being accosted by the accomplice, the water clones surrounded them.

"Kakashi." Zabuza said from the mist. "We don't have to do this."

"Zabuza, you're not going to get me surrender Tazuna." Taking a look at his- shaking in anticipation- student, Kakashi gave an eyesmile.

"Do it, Sasuke." Kakashi said. In a flurry of motion, the Uchiha had killed the clones.

"Damn it." It was at this point that Kakashi actually noticed the non aggressive stance of the Jounin, and became slightly confused, and with good reason.

"Sasuke, you take the accomplice-" His statement was cut off as Sasuke, who had wrongly anticipated his sensei's command, charged at the distracted nin. When Zabuza pulled his sword, and ran to intercept his student, Kakashi knew that fighting was the only choice now. He didn't know why Zabuza had been unwilling to engage them at first, but now that he was, there wouldn't be any holding back.

888

As it turns out, Zabuza and Haku hadn't come to fight, and weren't even responsible for the condition the workers were found in.

You see, the very attractive wife of one of the workers had taken it upon herself to make lunch for the others. The only problem was, she wasn't a very good cook (she fell into the cliche of too hot to be domestically proficient). Normally, this wouldn't have been a problem, as it was still mostly edible. This time however, her just passing acceptable culinary talents were compounded by the fact that the meat she used was bad, and they all ended up with food poisoning. A rather fast acting, created out of plot necessity, food poisoning.

Upon arrival, Haku and Zabuza had found many of the workers laying on the ground, clutching their stomachs, and groaning in pain. Haku, kind hearted being that she was, decided to help them. Zabuza had learned something new that day. When he'd questioned her as to why she wanted him to use the Kirigakure no Jutsu, and make it just a tad thicker than normal, she'd explained one of the little known uses for the jutsu. The mist actually helped ease the aches, and feelings of nausea that were associated with food poisoning (pregnancy and menstruation as well) and could also slow the effects of poisons as the chakra enhanced vapors would attract the poison once it entered the bloodstream along with the inhaled oxygen, and stall the attack on the system proper. She'd also had him make several water clones to keep an eye on the others, in case their conditions took a bad turn.

It was as Haku had started working on the second worker, that Zabuza felt several chakra signatures arrive. Deciding to stave off an unnecessary confrontation, and to keep the Konoha nin from disturbing Haku (who absolutely hated to be bothered while h-she, while she- was healing), Zabuza ordered his clones to surround them.

"Kakashi." Zabuza started. "We don't have to do this-" He found himself interrupted.

"Zabuza, you're not going to get me to surrender Tazuna." Kakashi said, causing Zabuza to gain a confused look.

'Huh, surrender?' Zabuza thought. 'What's he talking about? I'm not about to fight them, especially not after that blond brat did...whatever it was to Haku. And why the hell was that brat shaking. Was he having some kind of involuntary spasm?'

"Do it, Sasuke." Kakashi said. Zabuza watched in frustration as the Uchiha killed his clones, though he was admittedly impressed. Still, that meant more work for him as he had to keep an eye on the workers alone, and hold up the mist.

"Damn it." Zabuza muttered; the last thing he wanted at the moment was a fight.

"Sasuke, you take the accomplice-" Zabuza's eyes widened in horror as the boy charged the distracted kunoichi tending to the workers. As Zabuza ran to intercept the boy about to make a grave mistake, there was only one thing going through his mind.

'Shit, I hope that little blond kid doesn't show up. He's going to...well I'm not sure, but I doubt I'll like it.' For one to realize his reaction, one only had to go back to a couple days ago.

Two days ago...

Team 7 was seated at the table with Tazuna's family eating another wonderfully prepared meal. As he ate, Naruto noticed that he was getting on and off glares from his left, and a steady glare from the right. Sasuke was dividing his glare between himself and Sakura (much to the girls horror), while Inari was focused on their entire team who happened to all be seated together at one end. As Kakashi was going over his plans for their guard duty and training for the next day, he was interrupted.

"Why do you bother trying?" Inari yelled, tears in his eyes. "You'll never be strong enough to beat Gato. No matter what you say, you'll just be killed like everyone else."

"Yeah, unlike you, I'm not about to be owned by some bastard like Gato." Naruto snarked, amused that the gaki had cracked much sooner. If he remembered correctly, Inari hadn't gone on this rant until after he'd met Haku.

"Shut up!" Inari yelled, the tears now falling. "You don't know anything about us. You're always smiling and being happy, none of you know how hard life can be." Naruto and Sasuke immediately stiffened, the latter glaring, and had anyone been able to see beneath his mask, they'd have seen Kakashi's mouth form a thin line.

"Tsunami-san, Tazuna-san, I hope you can forgive me, but I can't take it anymore." Naruto said, standing and appearing suddenly behind Inari. The boy gave out a loud cry of anguish when he was suddenly lifted three feet off the ground by his underpants. Naruto turned the boy so that he could look him in the eye.

"Since my teammates and I have grown tired of listening to you, from now on, I'm going to do this every time we're forced to listen to you whine." Naruto said. "You're not the only one whose had a bad life, you little brat. Have you ever had someone you cared about or trusted try to kill you like me and Sasuke?" Inari shook his head. "Then suck it up, and stop being such a big baby. If you want your circumstances to change, then stop bending over for Gato, and taking it up the ass like everyone else. Be like your grandpa, and do something the hell about it." Naruto then dropped the boy, and watched as he ran from the kitchen to his room.

While Sakura berated Naruto on the outside (although she was wondering about what he'd meant by someone trying to kill he and Sasuke), Inner Sakura was again cheering Naruto on, and proclaiming him the second best teammate ever. It should be noted that the sign she held up that detailed the difference in awesomeness between Sasuke and Naruto showed a much smaller gap than the time before. NB would like to take a moment to question this girls sanity, considering that just a couple days prior, she'd been angry at Sasuke for calling her a waste of space.

"Naruto," Kakashi began.

"Don't bother, Kakashi-sensei." Naruto interrupted. "I know what you're going to say, and even if you are right, I'm too annoyed to care at the moment. I'm going out, don't wait up."

8888

Early the next morning, an extremely effeminate boy could be found staring out the second floor window of a multi-level, overly elaborate, beehive shaped treehouse. Haku smiled sadly to himself, knowing that Gouzu and Meizu would have had a fit if they'd known that he had referred to their base as such. They had been like older brothers, and they would be missed. Unfortunately, Haku couldn't dwell on that, he had a lot of things to do today, first of which was gathering some herbs to help speed up Zabuza-sama's recovery. Untying his hair, Haku let the soft, raven strands fall down his back.

A quick glance at the mirror caused the boy to sigh again, as beautiful, feminine features stared back at him. It was these features that made it so hard for the boy to find someone special; well aside from his makeshift family.

Now, one thing to realize about Haku, was that he didn't necessarily swing both ways, more like he just didn't have a true sexual preference. Growing up isolated, and as the perfect tool for Zabuza had never allowed him to truly develop a preference, so when he finally hit puberty, he found that his hormones were reacting to both men and women. Unfortunately, he hadn't had much luck in the social life area with either gender, even when Zabuza did allow him time off to try.

With women, he always found himself attracting the attention of beautiful, but shallow girls. Ones that ultimately couldn't deal with the fact that he probably looked hotter to most heterosexual guys than she did. Then, when he found a girl who wasn't bothered by that, they were usually bishounen yaio fetishists of such an extreme nature as to frighten him.

With men, it was just as bad. He either wound up attracting heterosexual men, or homosexual men who didn't like the fact that he looked so much like a woman. For some reason, he could never find a guy that liked both.

Haku shook his head of such thoughts. He had a job to do, and contemplating his lack of a social life would not get that done. Removing his normal attire, he pulled on his favorite pink kimono, one decorated with small red spirals. NB would like to point out the irony of the design, especially considering certain events that were soon to take place. Anyway, once he'd also adorned a small black choker- one that served to not only add to the non-threatening feminine look, but also hide his Adam's Apple- he headed for the exit to his living space.

Sparing a glance at his bedridden master as he passed through the first level, Haku stopped only long enough to put his sandals on, before heading out of the building. A short sprint, and he landed in an area that had an abundance of the herbs he was looking for. Haku made haste picking the herbs for Zabuza, not willing to take the chance that Gato might visit while he was gone.

As he knelt at the edge of a clearing, a freshly picked herb in his hand, Haku spotted the blond boy who had made the rather interesting observation about the Suirou no Jutsu. He was dozing under a tree, but it was far from a peaceful sleep. He was moaning like he was in pain, and thrashing wildly, possibly in the midst of a nightmare. Haku pulled a senbon from the sleeve of his kimono, but paused, finding himself oddly unable to just kill this boy. Sighing, Haku replaced his senbon.

Remembering some of his own night terrors, and feeling uncomfortable with just allowing the boy to suffer, Haku decided to act. Just as he reached out to touch the boy...

"Gah, bad kitty!" Naruto screamed, bolting up, only to find himself staring at the most beautiful face he'd ever seen. And considering some of the women he'd met in his life (Mei, Mabui, that girl that Ero-Sennin ran off with when they were searching for baachan), that was saying something.

"Are you all right?" The criminally sexy voice of the older nin asked.

"I will be." Naruto grinned. "So, what are you doing out here?"

888

Naruto grinned. This meeting was going the exact same way as it had the last time. Well, with one major difference that he was about to make now.

"You're really beautiful." Naruto said. "I wish I could have a girlfriend as beautiful as you. Hey, you wanna be my girlfriend?"

Haku sighed. Another relationship request, and yet another handsome potential suitor he was forced to turn down; he just couldn't catch a break. And while he knew that being Zabuza's tool meant that he lived his life for his master, that didn't mean the man was so cruel as to deny Haku a social life- well to an extent, anyway- should he find one.

It was times like this that Haku really hated being a boy with the petiteness and facial structure of a beautiful woman. Why couldn't he have just been born a girl instead, or even been given feminine curves. At least then he could have gotten implants, and passed himself off as an unlucky futanari. There were a surprisingly decent number of guys who were into that. But alas, he was all male, and unforunately the young man in front of him didn't give off the 'I swing both ways' vibe.

"I'm flattered, Naruto-kun, but I'm a boy." Haku said, smiling sweetly. Naruto remembered all of the fics he'd read where Haku was really a girl pretending to be a boy, and ended up his lover, pseudo sister, or tool/sex toy (oddly enough at her own insistence in most cases). Sadly, his nose told him that his Haku really was a boy...at least for now. No point in letting such beauty go to waste. Naruto remembered the conversation he'd had with Kyuubi a few days ago when he'd told him what he was going to do.

Flashback

"You're really going to use one of your changes to make that boy a girl?" Kyuubi asked in his head.

"Yup." Naruto thought back. "Why should I have to settle for Sakura, when I can have a super hottie like fem!Haku?" The Kyuubi thought about that for a second, and had to admit that the brat had a point.

"Okay, I'll give you that, but don't you dare leave out that Hyuuga girl." The fox spat. "You've seen how much she develops when you're gone with the pervert. She's already in love with you brat, you better claim that ass and bosom, or I'll personally make things very difficult for you."

"Hello, have you been paying attention. I already plan to marry Hinata someday if she'll have me." Naruto said. "But I'm gonna wait until after my training with Jiraiya. She's way too adorable right now, and I'd feel like I a dirty old man taking advantage of an innocent little girl."

"You're only four years her senior as it is, brat." The fox, grunted. "Even mentally."

"That's true, but even if I were the same age as her mentally, I'd still feel that way." The Kyuubi gave an infamous Uchiha grunt. After all, the fox completely understood what the brat meant. The brat better not wait too long though, that was how he'd lost that cute Uzumaki girl to Dorky McWoody (1).

Flashback End

"Nuh uh, you're a girl." Naruto argued, just as he'd planned. "A really pretty girl." Haku gave him an odd look, before sending pity his way.

"I'm sorry, but I am a boy." Haku reiterated, causing Naruto to frown. "It's alright, others have made that mistake as well." Naruto gave the boy (yeah right) a glare.

"You. Are. A. Girl." Naruto said, forcefully. Haku, who was starting to get annoyed, was about to argue further, when Naruto raised his eyebrow, and cleared his throat expectantly.

Haku's words of declaration of his masculinity (snicker) were cut short as a pair of perky B-cup breasts, topped with even more perky nipples, sprouted on his chest. This was followed by his junk shrinking to nothing, his penis changing into a decently prominent clitoris, and his Adam's apple disappearing. Next, the young...uhh...person felt a burning sensation inside their body, as certain gender specific organs and innards began to shift and morph, and he felt the skin, flesh, muscle, etc. between his legs split and morph into a certain opening. Finally, when the hard, flat planes of Haku's figure became soft, feminine curves, there was nothing more the young kunoichi could say. In a rather subdued and confused- but very sexy- voice Haku spoke.

"I-I'm a girl." Haku, who'd noticed that her normally soft, husky voice was now quite sexy, finally admitted to herself.

"And a very sexy one at that." Naruto replied, making her blush. "Now, take me to your boss, I need to tell him something." Still shocked and confused as to how she'd gone from a boy to a girl, Haku just went along with the order. The short trip was made in siilence, and when the pair arrived at the small hide out, Haku entered first. As soon as the door opened, Zabuza spoke up.

"Haku, good you're back." He said. "We need to start getting ready for...huh?" Zabuza paused as he looked up. The Mist Nuke-nin blinked, then again, then a third time, before settling for a look of confusion.

"I'm a girl." Haku said, still somewhat shocked and confused herself. Though if she were really honest with herself, this would make things much easier for her love life.

"...I see." Zabuza answered.

He was about to ask how it happened, but then decided he really didn't want to know. Though it was extremely creepy, having a hot female tool was a lot easier to deal with than having the undisputed idol (2) of bishounin tools. Of course, that also meant that he'd have to deal with monthly cycles, screwed up hormones, emotional inconsistencies, and threatening dates, if she ever managed to get one. A wide grin actually spread over his face at that last thought. Maybe he would finally get the chance to threaten a date with Haku like this. Ringo (3) had always bragged about how fun it could be.

"Anyway, we need to do some recon. Once I'm healed, we will finish this mission." Just then a voice interrupted.

"Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that." Naruto entered the large tree house, for that was what it was, and gave Zabuza a foxy grin. Despite her confusion, Haku couldn't help but gain a light blush at the handsome look. Naruto suddenly found the point of a sword at his throat.

"You've got some balls coming here kid." The Jounin said.

"I just want to talk." Naruto said. Zabuza suddenly felt compelled to hear him out, while Naruto heard a voice in his ear that sounded like 'a freebie'.

"You've got thirty seconds." He said.

"Gato is a creepy little bastard, and we both know he's going to end up double crossing you." Naruto said quickly.

"How do you know this?" Now Zabuza was never one to just take information at face value, but given that the kid had pointed out a major flaw in the Water Prison, it would be wise to at least hear him out.

"Call it a hunch." Naruto replied. "Besides, did Gato ever give you the impression that you could trust him to keep his word."

"He has a point, Zabuza-sama." The super sexy voice of Haku intoned. Zabuza was forced to remind himself that he saw Haku as just his asexual t...oh who was he kidding, his s- oops, that was daughter now- when he heard her voice use that particular honorific. Ten kinds of wrong, that.

"Okay, give me a good reason why I shouldn't kill you kid." Zabuza said. "Before I go and kill the midget."

"Because I'm pretty sure you're not gay," Naruto started; afterall he had seen a few fics where Zabuza and Haku were both male, and had a much deeper relationship than he'd ever considered possible. One that would have had Sakura with a mask like Kakashi's made of blood.

Zabuza, who was about to cut down the boy regardless of what he said, paused. What could him killing the brat have to do with his sexuality? He continued readying his sword to attack, but decided to at least hear the brat out, and discovered that it was a very good idea.

"So that means that you're likely into the Icha Icha Paradise series. My godfather happens to be the author of said series, so I'm pretty sure if I express an interest, I could get you signed, free copies for life." Naruto noticed the man's hand stall. "Come on, the power of Icha compels you." Zabuza had to admit, it was a very convincing argument. Free Icha Icha for life.

"I'll think about it brat." He growled. "Now get out of my sight before I change my mind." Nodding, Naruto threw out one last comment.

"Ne, Haku-chan, that offer of being my girlfriend is still open if you want it." He said. "I promise to treat you good." Naruto then disappeared in a swirl of bubbles, gaining a look of confusion from the former Mist ninja.

"Zabuza-sama, I think we should take his offer." Haku said after Naruto left.

"Oh?" He asked, noticing the very intense red covering the normally pale features of his apprentice.

"Yes, not only would it give us the chance to find out what happens to Miko in Volume II of Icha Icha Violence, but that boy somehow turned me into a girl. He did this without touching me, or using any kind of jutsu. We do not know what all he is capable of doing to an enemy, and I do not wish to find out." 'Not to mention that his offer is appealing, and I'd like to try out my new body with him. He was rather handsome, and we got along well during the time we had alone.'

Zabuza thought about both points his so- daughter, it was daughter now- the points his daughter had made. Never having to wait so long to find out what happened next in his beloved Icha Icha was a plus, not to mention that Konoha was always the first to get the new books (he now knew why). There was also the fact that last he'd checked, Haku had been a boy; a very beautiful Bishounin boy, but still a boy. That the brat had turned him into a her was worrying, and he really didn't want to know what else that brat was capable of doing if he could so drastically change a person's physiology without touching them.

Not to mention that extra little subtle threat the brat had cunningly added. It was well known that Jiraiya of the Sannin was the author of Icha Icha, and if what the brat said was true, that meant he was Jiraiya's godson, and that meant that should he bring harm to the boy, he'd have to deal with Jiraiya looking into his bounty. Whether the boy was bluffing or not, Zabuza was smart enough to realize that when comparing himself- and even Haku- to one of the Sannin, it was best to err on the side of caution.

888

"Naruto, where have you been?" Kakashi asked as soon as he entered the house.

"Talking to this hot girl, and her dad." Naruto said. "If I play my cards right, I might be able to get me a 'buddy' here in Wave." Unsurprisingly, Kakashi was the only one who approved of Naruto's time spent. Fortunately, he was also the only one who truly understood what Naruto was hinting at.

"Leave it to you to try and make friends in a hostile environment." Sasuke sneered.

"You'd better be glad that I promised Kakashi-sensei that I wouldn't antagonize you for the rest of the mission." Naruto grumbled. "Anyway, where's the crybaby, I've got something to show him."

"What do you want?" A voice sounded from behind.

"I've got a present for you." Naruto said, gesturing for the boy to follow him. Half an hour later, Inari came back in, not quite happy, but less solomn than he'd been.

"Inari-kun, where's Naruto?" The boy's mother asked.

"He went to do some more training." The boy responded.

Much later that evening, Naruto returned with a smile on his face. His training had been very fruitful. While he hadn't quite gotten the pure Fuuton Manipulation down, he was making progress, and had already gotten the jutsu Kakashi had finally showed him down. Naruto had left a small area full of trees looking the worse for wear, and was completely exhausted.

Present Day...

Now, before we get moving, for anyone who is interested, Naruto's heroic rescue of Tsunami and her son was far less impressive than normal canon. As Naruto finished dressing, he happened to look out the window in time to see Inari confronting the two thugs.

As Inari ran at the man holding his mother, practically right into the path of the blade- like he was suicidal or something- Naruto appeared to save the day...sort of. The shirtless thug swung his poorly maintained katana, trying to cut Inari to pieces, only to find his strike blocked by Naruto. With a cry of-

"Nut Shot!" -Naruto kicked the shirtless man in the nads, effectively ending his effectiveness. Using the technique he was shown, and the weapon he was given, Inari took advantage of the distraction, and jabbed the senbon in his hand forward with a cry of.

"Inverted Sennin Coroshi! (4)"

As it would happen, Tsunami is a very attractive woman, a Grade A MILF, so it would stand to reason that she'd cause certain reactions in men...expecially the hired thugs of an asshole who condones the rape of female hostages. Unfortunately for them, NB is taking point on this fic, and thought they were failures as characters. Therefore, when Inari used the technique that Naruto had showed him, he jabbed the senbon in at such an angle, that the loser with the long hair got himself a sharp, metal catheter.

And we're moving on.

888

As she again, happily, peppered the dark haired boy with needles- both ice and normal- Haku thought back on how the situation had devolved from the first move. Haku had found herself disappointed when the group from Konoha had shown up, and interrupted her mmedical work. It didn't help their situation that Naruto-sama hadn't been with them. After the initial shock of actually being turned into a girl had worn off, Haku was overjoyed. That boy had given her the thing she'd always wanted, and she had decided that he was to be her suitor if he accepted.

Then, out of nowhere, the idiot she was currently fighting had jumped the gun before they could relay that they didn't want to fight, and she could question Naruto-sama's relationship status. After that, Zabuza-sama had jumped in, then Kakashi, and now they were all fighting. Haku hoped to whatever deity that was watching that Naruto-sama didn't find out about this.

"Hey, what's going on here?" Naruto called out, using a wind jutsu to disperse the mist. "Zabuza, you don't get the free Icha if you attack my sensei. And you, Haku, if you're going to be my girlfriend, we can't have you getting into fights with my teammates."

"Hey, we came in peace," Zabuza shot back. "That hot-headed little brat with the duck's ass haircut attacked us first, we just defended ourselves."

"Sasuke, you bastard, if you've ruined my chances with Haku, I'm going to tie you to a bed naked with no way to escape, and leave you to the tender mercies of your fangirls." Sasuke's face took on one of anger and horror. Sakura, who'd heard the yelled comment, collapsed with a nosebleed.

"You're getting your ass kicked, Zabuza." A voice suddenly echoed over the bridge. "You Mist ninja are so disappointing."

"Gato!" Zabuza growled. "Why are you here? And with those worthless bums?"

"Well, the thing is, I'm gonna have you killed right here." Gato bragged. "I never actually planned to pay you." Over where Haku and Sasuke had been fighting, Naruto winked at the beautiful kunoichi.

"See, I told ya." Naruto said. "He's a doushe of epic proportions."

"See, hiring ninja from villages is too expensive, and they might turn on me." Gato continued. "That's why I hire Missing nin. I let the ninja beat each other up, and then I overwhelm them with numbers."

"Yeah, we can easily kill you now." One of the thugs called.

"Yeah, and once we've killed all of you, we're going to take that little girlfriend of yours, and have her make me some money. Might even take that pink haired girl too." Gato then started a sick laugh that sent feelings of utter wrong down down Sakura's back. Oops, did I forget to mention that she'd awakened from her naughty thoughts induced faint.

It was at this point that the ninja sensed something flying through the air. A single senbon needle flew through the air, into Gato's mouth, and out the back of his neck, piercing the brain stem. The man was dead before he even realized he'd been hit, falling to the ground with a thump.

"Well, glad that's over." Naruto said. "Good shot, Haku-chan." She smiled beautifully, and Naruto felt his heart racing.

"Hey, what are you guys celebrating for?" One of the thugs yelled.

"Yeah, you guys killed our meal ticket! So now we're gonna go pillage this town instead!" One of the other thugs yelled. The chorus of agreements made Naruto frown.

"Kakashi, I'd suggest that you cover their eyes unless you want your precious Genin to see this." Zabuza, who was still a little pissed at the betrayal, and the audacity that these untrained thugs thought they could handle a Jounin, one who was fairly good on chakra, and had minimal injury, was ready to feed these bastards to his sword. That they had threatened his so-gah, daughter- was another strike against them.

"Fuck you bandage face." Naruto grunted. "Just sit back and let me handle this."

"Naruto." Kakashi started, but was promptly interrupted.

"I'm the only non-useless one here who hasn't had a chance to fight, so let me take care of this. Besides, I gotta do something to impress Haku if I want her to be my girlfriend, right?" Luckily Sakura, who was currently pre-occupied with gushing over the waking Sasuke, didn't hear the comment, or she'd have harped about it for who knows how long.

"That's a lot of mercs for a kid." Zabuza said, pointedly ignoring the girlfriend comment for the moment.

"Tajuu Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!" Naruto called ignoring Zabuza's comment, and suddenly there was one of him for every one of Gato's thugs.

"Or not." The villagers arrived as the swarm of orange descended upon the hired thugs. It was a good thing that Zabuza was watching Naruto in stunned disbelief, or he'd have noticed Haku's face turning a very bright red.

888

A little less than a week after the battle, the members of Team 7 sat around the dinner table with Tazuna, his family, and a pair of new guests. One of said guests had just ground all conversation to a halt with a single, simple answer to a question. They were all waiting for dinner to be brought to the table, all famished from a hard days work on the bridge...well, all but one, and that was only because he still hadn't mastered the water walking exercise. He still stubbornly refused any help offered, and his attitude was further compounded by the fact that a few meters away, a couple dozen clones were all sitting on top of the water, their arms covered in leaves. This on top of the hundred or so that Naruto had helping build the bridge, a skill he'd learned in a single day with the help of another hundred or so Shadow Clones.

Anyway, back on topic, the dinner, the conversation, and the screeching halt. What had the kind hearted young woman said, that had resulted in two Jounin with amused, raised eyebrows- or eyebrow areas in one case- three civilians with shocked looks decorating their faces, one patented Uchiha glare number 31, one Genin kunoichi's chin getting snuggly with a table, and one blond with a slightly red face? Well, before that, let's go back just a tab bit further to find out what led to the question, that received the answer.

"Ne, Haku-chan," Naruto started, getting her attention. "Have you given any thought to coming back to Konoha with us?"

"Hai, I have, Naruto-sama." She replied. "If it is all right with Zabuza-sama, then I would be happy to make Konoha my home."

"Since when is the Dobe, Naruto-sama?" Sasuke growled.

"Not that I agree with his tone, I'm a little curious of this myself, Haku." Zabuza said.

"I have decided to address him as Naruto-sama for two reasons." Haku said. "First, I have grown too used to calling people I'm fond of by that honorific. While Gouzu and Meizu were like brothers to me, you have been the only person in that position for most of my life." Zabuza nodded. "The second reason, is because of what he did to me. That kind of power, whatever it was, deserves to be respected, as does its wielder."

"And what is it that he did to you?" Kakashi and Sakura asked at the same time. One with an amused, yet somewhat fearful, curiosity, the other a note of hostility in her voice.

"He made me a woman." Was Haku's simple answer. And that folks, is how with a case of massive double entendre, she ended the conversation at the table.

Kakashi had a look of immense pride on his face. Sakura gave both Haku and Naruto severe glares. The three Wave residents gasped in shock well, two gasped- the third just looked confused. The raven haired, Sharingan brat switched from glare number 31, to Uchiha Glare Number 64. Zabuza's face took on one of immense amusement, as Naruto's face became beet red. A second later, when Haku thought back and finally realised what it sounded like she said, and what they were probably thinking happened, matched Naruto's redness. An interesting note point, is that she made no attempt to correct the perverted thinkings of the others, further amusing Zabuza.

Another bit of random trivia, was that Zabuza was inwardly frowning. His plans for intimidating Haku's future dates and boyfriends had gone down the drain when he realised that his daughter had intentions for the blond. With everything he held over the man, there was nothing he could do to the blond. The fact that he could not only hold the precious Icha hostage, but he also wielded that unknown power pretty much crushed any fear he might be able to try and garner.

"No way that Dobe could have before me-" Sasuke muttered. "-and she even called him Naruto-sama afterwards?" There were several amused stares at the Uchiha, and Naruto couldn't help taking advantage of the opportunity he'd been given.

"Aww, are you angry cuz the pretty girl called me -sama, and not you?" Naruto teased. "Maybe if your hair didn't look like a ducks ass, she'd have picked you instead." The look on Haku's face was very telling as to what she thought of that statement. As Sasuke finally snapped, and tried to bodily tackle his teammate, Naruto formed a handseal, and disappeared in a swirl of duck feathers, further adding insult.

"Naruto-" Kakashi started, before a clone popped in.

"Boss wants me to tell you that's the last time, promise." The clone said. "Well, the last time till we get back inside Konoha's gates."

"If you will excuse me, I am going to go take a bath." Haku said. Yes, a nice long bath was in order. Now that she had the chance, Haku planned to fully familiarize herself with her new body...well, the stuff that she didn't need a book, or to cut herself open, to make an acquaintance with. And before you perverts even think about it, Haku asked me to inform you it was for completely practical, non-sexual purposes.

8888

We begin this portion of our story with a short bit of foresight into demons, and an interesting proposition. It is within human nature to repress traumatic memories such as the one Naruto had experienced with Tora, and the one involving the Hokage's teammates- old people doing things they should have stopped doing a long time ago, and being happy for 'seeing Alice', whatever that meant.

Demons, on the other hand, never forgave, and they never forgot. Now while a great asset at most times, this was also a double edged sword, because, unlike humans, demons couldn't suppress traumatizing memories. It was for this reason that the Kyuubi would make Naruto an offer he couldn't refuse.

As Naruto prepared to do a bit more Fuuton training- he'd been reading about an exercise in his family scroll that was noted as being particularly relaxing- he found himself dragged down into his mindscape, right in front of the cage that held his tenant.

"To what do I owe the pleasure of gracing your presence?" Naruto asked sarcastically, expecting an equally sarcastic, or condescending one in return. Sure the Kyuubi wasn't a complete evil like previously, but the fox was still a dick.

"Alright kit, I've got a deal for you." Kyuubi said. Naruto actually took a closer at the fox- for it was never cordial. What he found was a harried looking fox that looked to not have slept in a very long time. Naruto would never have thought he'd see a frightenend look on Kyuubi's face in any situation that didn't involve a certain geriatric Uchiha, but it was the traumatized glaze to its eyes that really got his attention.

"What's up, fox?" Naruto asked. "You don't look so good."

"Demons cannot suppress memories." Kyuubi said shuddering. "I need your help to get rid of a particular one."

"Oh?" Naruto asked. "Which one?"

"The one with Tora that you've managed to mostly suppress." Now Naruto could have been a bastard, and taunted him, but the only person he'd ever wish that memory on was Madara, and that was only after the whole turning Sasuke into a raving psycho thing. "I'm willing to give you my chakra...all of it...if you suppress that memory for me."

"And just how am I supposed to do that?"

"Alcohol," It said. "-if you consume enough alcohol that I forget about what happened with that cat, I'll let you have my chakra, and you won't even have to fight me like that version of you in that comic did."

"While I can hold my liquor with the best of them, once I'm actually drunk, I can't function very well." Naruto said. "You've seen my memories, you know that. I'm like drunk Lee on steroids, only I'm exceedingly happy and...affectionate." Even now, he was tempted to go and apologize to Kiba's mom. "Not to mention, I'll probably blow my cover."

"You won't have to worry about being drunk, because I'll be absorbing all of the effects it has on your system, and filtering the negative effects of drinking that much."

888

It was a beautiful day in the neighborhood, and a beautiful day for a neighbor, but Kakashi wasn't feeling as happy about it as one should have been. Why you ask, because his student had just given him a death sentence. When he'd first passed Squad 7, Sarutobi had held him after the meeting, and told him in a no nonsense manner that nothing serious had better happen to Naruto. Now one would think that he meant something like Naruto dying, but that was only one of the minor grievances. Sure it would have been like losing a grandson, but considering the hazards of the job, he would understand, even as much as he wished it hadn't happened.

No, the issues that Sarutobi were stressing were the shinobi vices and pitfalls. Kakashi was informed in no uncertain terms, that Naruto was not to become addicted to drinking, sex, or gambling. Nor was he to allow Naruto to beome an emotionless drone, a creepy sumbitch with a blood fetish, anything related to youth or the season of Spring, or any of the other eccentric quirks that Konoha's shinobi have been known for. He'd almsot had a scare when Naruto decided to steal his lateness/lame excuses gimmick, but because Naruto only did it for team meetings, and he was obviously doing it to mock him, the Hokage let it slide.

This time, however, Kakashi was fearing for his life. Naruto was sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast; but that's not what had his features pale, or his teammates looking at him in shock. No, that was the result of the insanely huge bottle of sake that was sitting next to his plate. How could he have underestimated the effect Naruto's first kills would have had on his precious student? Add to that the fact that it was not just one enemy, but several dozen. Killing all those mercs must have been too much for his mind to handle, and now he's begun to drown himself in alcohol. He'd even thought that having that cute girl talk to him about it would help, but apparently not, it only stalled the inevitable. Sarutobi was going to kill him for letting Naruto develop a drinking habit.

"Naruto, are you alright?" Kakashi asked. "You can talk to me, you know, you don't have to do that. I'm sure even Zabuza or Haku wouldn't mind talking to you about it."

"Trust me, Kakashi-sensei, this is the only way to forget." Naruto replied. "There are just somethings man was not meant to remember." Kakashi paled. It seemed Naruto was taking this harder than he'd thought. The Hokage was definitely going to kill him, now.

'I knew I shouldn't have let them talk me into continuing this mission after the Demon Brothers showed up.'

888

A few days later, as the people of Wave gathered to see the group of shinobi off, Tazuna posed a question.

"So what do we name the bridge?" He asked. "It has to be something super cool since it's a super bridge."

"How about the Great Naruto Bridge?" Inari put forth. "After the person who gave hope back to our country." The cheers told Tazuna that the name had been accepted.

"I like it." He said, before thinking to himself. 'Besides, anyone that can turn an enemy ninja into his girlfriend, and get her to sleep with him after one meeting, deserves to have a bridge named after them.'

888

The trip back to Konoha was a rather interesting one for the group.

Naruto and Haku were walking calmly side by side, the elder girl sending subtle glances his way; cheeks pinking just a bit each time. Naruto had a huge smile on his face for succeeding where he'd failed before. Not only had he saved Zabuza and Haku, but he'd gotten an uber hot girlfriend out of the deal. Still, he couldn't help but think he was forgetting something.

Ahead of them, Kakashi and Sakura lead the group. Kakashi looked like he was walking to his death, and given the rather large jug of sake that Naruto had bought in Wave that was currently half empty when it had been full not too long ago, he felt he was justified in this. Sakura, who was standing next to him, was trying to figure out why the girl had shunned someone as cool, handsome, and amazing as Sasuke-kun, for a loser like Naruto. Sure, the baka had his moments- and damn if they weren't some pretty amazing ones when they occurred- and her crush could be a dick sometimes, but Sasuke-kun was still much better. Sure she was happy that the- admittedly much more beautiful that either she or Ino- girl wasn't going to be compitition, especially since Sasuke actually liked her, she was still highly nonplussed by the situation.

Behind the couple, Zabuza and Sasuke were bringing up the rear. The elder ninja could only stare at the two youngsters in front of him. The blond was something else, having changed Haku so much, and making him really realized what he truly felt for the b...girl, the girl. Haku, the little brat had somehow broken through his emotionless defenses, and become like the so- gah, the daughter- daughter that he'd always wanted. And now his little mini has hims- grr, herself- herself a boyfriend, and that meant certain talks had to be retalked, with stresses on the opposite side he'd taught the bo- girl, girl Zabuza- before.

'Shit, this change is going to take some getting used to.' Zabuza thought.

Looking over, he could sense the glare the brat was giving his teammate, and couldn't help but lamost smirk. That brat actually thought he had a chance with Haku. That arrogance, the superior looks, the attitude that he must have thought was cool, and the sense of entitlement that he seemed to exude pretty much guaranteed that Haku wouldn't be giving the boy the time of day anytime soon.

About two miles out from Konoha, something occurred to Naruto.

'Hey, NB,' Naruto calls. 'The Uchiha have an obsession with tomatoes, right.'

"Yeah." NB replied. "Well, except for Itachi and Mikoto's pocky obsession, but yeah, most Uchiha prefer tomatoes (5)."

'Well, since I haven't used it, and it'll go to waste as soon as we reenter Konoha, I want to use my second Wave change to give Madara a severe allergic reaction to tomatoes.'

"That's kind of mean."

'It's either that, or I use one of my changes to get your personal OC, Kazuma, in the fic.' Naruto stated in a tone that NB didn't like. 'Then I'll proceed to torment him for every mention you have of him being with my Hinata. Then, I'll hook him up with Sakura later after the timeskip. Not only that, but I'll call in my favor for Tora, so that you can't do anything about it.'

"Madara it is."

'Goody, I'll let you decide what kind of reaction he has.' Naruto said. NB got a sinister smile on his face. Maybe he'd treat Madara's reaction like Naruto's Shunshin, completely random, and rarely the same (I mean really, the classics were classics for a reason). Maybe he'd even let the readers give some input. Some of them were even more sick, twisted, and vindictive than he could be.

88888888

1. yes, this is a subtle reference to the Shodai and his wife

2. do a wikipedia or google search for Japanese media idols

3. one of the seven swordsmen of zabuza's generation; introduced in chapter

4. Yes, Inari said the name wrong.

5. Yes, if you must know, I'm insinuating several things with this statement. No offense intended if you like tomatoes.

88888888

There you have it, another major failure of a chapter. The next chapter will be awhile as I'm moving back to Changes and my Icha Series for the summer since both my beta and I will be out of school.

Special thanks to Selonianth for the duck feather Shunshin.

Now in other unrelated news.

reader contributions

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polls

Do you think Sakura, and Ino to a lesser extent, would be even half the kunoichi she is if Sasuke hadn't left?