Naruto: A Cliche Parody

by NarutosBrat

This is a parody of all the most cliche plotlines in fanfiction that I can fit in to this story. Rated M for consistency.

4. Six Months and Counting

Disclaimer: For all of those people who are retarded enough to still think I own Naruto after the number of times I've denied, I've decided to send Itachi to Sennin Goroshi you with his Susanoo. He knows who you are, and where you live, you cannot hide.

Fair warning, Hinata and Haku will be a bit ooc in this fic. However, unlike some authors, I'm not just going to change their personalities, and just ignore it like the new persona is natural, with other characters just acting like nothing has suddenly changed. I will have other characters notice the change, and comment on it. Also, problems and situations in this story will be resolved far easier than any problem should be, and with solutions that really could have saved a lot of people a lot of time, energy, and lives. Either that, or they'll be so ridiculous that they can't help but succeed.

A/N: After rereading what I've posted, along with this chapter, I've come to the conclusion that there is something fundementally wrong with me. I don't know what it is, but I'm fairly certain I'm not right in the head.

By the way, I'm sick of authors who hold their stories hostage for reviews. Be glad that people take the time to read it, and if someone likes it enough to give you feedback, even better. If they don't review, there's a chance that they didn't like the story, and decided to leave. I wonder if it ever occurred to some that maybe they don't want to read some of the reviews they'd get otherwise. Maybe it's best that some people just hit the clicker, instead of leaving a (most likely long) review completely tearing your story apart, or flaming it just for the sake of flaming it.

They could also be so into and captivated by the story, that they're far more concerned with seeing what happens next than leaving a review (for stories that already have multiple chapters before you start reading; and something I'm frequently guilty of). Or maybe, they just didn't have anything relevant to say about that particular chapter. Normally, I tend not to review, unless I have a thought about something in the story. So again I say, let the people read, and if they review be thankful, and repay them by trying to update faster (if life permits of course) so they'll have more to enjoy.

Okay, rant over, back to my happy place.

Pre-Exam Mini-arc Changes

1. Second Bloodline

Chapter 3 Recap:

Naruto saves Konoha from Tora. Travel to Wave. Naruto finds his family scroll. Sasuke gets a spectral enema for trespassing. Naruto saves his very first real friend...then makes Haku a woman and his girlfriend. Gave Madara an allergic reaction to tomatoes, and got a feeling he was forgetting something very important.

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As the group of six entered Konoha, Naruto couldn't help the nagging suspicion that he'd forgotten something very important. All through the debriefing with the Hokage, the feeling just kept growing and growing. And for some reason, jiji's call to his secretary to set up a meeting with Mr. Nice Guy as they were leaving put him on edge. He hadn't known what that meant the first time around, but now he was well aware of just what jiji's funny smelling, special tobacco was (1).

'Relaxation herbs my ass.' Naruto thought.

Now, as he escorted his team and new friends to Ichiraku's- Kakashi-sensei had insisted they hold a meeting to discuss the events of the mission and what it would mean going forward, and Ichiraku was the only place he knew Naruto would be welcome- for the life of him, Naruto couldn't figure out what it was that he was forgetting.

From her stalk- ahem, hiding- spot, Hinata frowned deeply. She had seen Naruto-kun return from his mission with two extra people. After hearing Naruto-kun so frequently proclaim that he planned to marry her someday if she was willing- which she very much was- she had finally worked up the courage to tell him how she felt. She'd followed them to the Hokage Tower, and hoped to catch him as they came out of the building. When they emerged, however, Hinata found herself feeling a slight pang in her chest...right before an angry beast welled up inside her.

She didn't know who this limpet hanging on her Naruto-kun was, but she was very unhappy, and she was going to make sure that the intruder knew that Naruto-kun was very much spoken for. She followed them as they made their way to the ramen stand her dearest loved so much. About a block away, Hinata decided to act. After all, it wouldn't do to disrespect Naruto-kun's favorite restaurant with such an argument.

"L-let go of my N-Naruto-kun!" Hinata cried out in as loud a voice as she could; which was only about the normal slightly raised voice of anyone else. All at once, Naruto remembered what he'd forgotten, and paled in fear. Of all the things to forget, how the hell could he have forgotten about one of the main reasons...one of the major changes, he wanted to make this time around?

"Excuse me?" Haku asked in an amused manner, sizing up the girl that had just spoken. "Oh, so you must be the fangirl that plans to try and separate us." After all, her relationship bible Icha Icha had said that with men like Naruto, there's always at least one fangirl that will have improper designs on the heroine's destined love. "Hmm, and from a powerful bloodline clan too; nothing less than I'd expect from a man like Naruto-sama."

Kakashi, Naruto, and Zabuza could sense the underlying hint of danger to her tone, and for the blond of the group, well he was worried.

"I am Naruto-kun's first love." Hinata- not taking being compared to Sakura and Ino very lightly- said, her voice stronger than Naruto had ever heard it prior to Pein's attack. "And you, miss, are encroaching on claimed territory."

"Judging from the manner in which you just addressed me, I'm guessing that you're in love with my boyfriend." Haku taunted, then smirked at Hinata's shocked gasp. "What's wrong, afraid of a little competition?"

"You're wrong, Naruto-kun is mine." Hinata said. "I won't just let you take him away."

"Is that so?" Haku replied. "I do not see your name anywhere on his person, so he obviously doesn't belong to you. So if you would be so kind as to leave Naruto-sama and I alone, I won't have to force the issue."

Hinata almost growled at the girl. She was right; and there was nothing she could do to refute that. While Naruto-kun's declaration that he intended to marry her had been fueling some rather lovely dreams for the past month, he was not hers. And while choosing another girl after such a declaration- especially in regards to a clan heiress- was considerably frowned upon, almost taboo, there was nothing illegal about it.

"My name doesn't need to be on him." Hinata said, sounding more confident than she really felt. Still, she knew this was the moment of truth. If she didn't tell him how she felt now, there was the chance that she could lose him to this...hussy. Even if Naruto had declared his intentions, if he felt that they were unrequited, he could very well move on to someone else. "I-I l-love, N-Naruto-kun."

Even as she made her own retort, Hinata also found herself blushing at the way the girl addressed her Naruto-kun. Adding -sama to his name meant that she saw him as her master of sorts, and that thought brought all sorts of naughty images to Hinata's mind. Images that the younger girl envied the older for if they were true. There was also the fact that Hinata had a secret. While it was true that Naruto didn't have her name written on his body, the same couldn't be said of the young Heiress. Her bottom gave a slight tingle along the ink lines that ran along the upper curve of her- quite delectable in a few years- derriere. It didn't matter that her cousin Neji had been traumatized by the ordeal.

She wouldn't know it, but being forced to tattoo 'Property of Naruto' onto his cousin's behind, had actually been the straw that broke the camel's back for Neji's hatred of the Main House.

Sasuke watched the spectacle with something akin to a disturbing giddiness. It would seem that the Dobe had just backed himself into a sticky situation, and given him the chance he needed. After making such loud and public declarations that he planned to marry the Hyuuga Heiress, to court another woman- a foreign kunoichi at that- was bad business. Not only that, but there was absolutely no way that he would be able to marry both Hinata and Haku, he'd have to give up one of them.

Given that protocol would dictate that he'd have to marry the woman that he'd claimed first, that would leave Haku all for him. The only thing that could ruin this, was the fact that Naruto was a clan heir. But if Naruto's declarations were true, the Uzumaki weren't a Konoha clan, so it wouldn't matter either way. Yes, for only the second time- the first had been activating the Sharingan- since That Man had killed his clan, Sasuke Uchiha was exceptionally happy.

Kakashi couldn't help noticing that somehow this entire conversation was pretty much ignored by the general populous. Given the types of spats that Sasuke Uchiha's fangirls got in- and the fact that it would have already dissolved into a wrestling match, adding to the entertainment- this was pretty tame and boring. Ergo, it wasn't about to garner any attention...at least not yet; even if one of the participants was a member of a major bloodline clan.

Still, given her particular crush, and the fact that normally there wouldn't have been any competition for one of these spats involving her, you'd think it would gain more attention. I mean, shouldn't the fact that Hinata had a rival for Naruto garner some interest? Shouldn't people be more curious about just who this new, extremely beautiful young woman fighting the heiress of the Hyuuga over Naruto was. Still, Konoha was full of perverts, and the fact that there wasn't any hair pulling or clothes ripping going on- like what was common with Uchiha fangirls- was probably the cause of that.

As Haku gave another cold, calculated rebuttal, and Hinata returned with her own passionate declaration, the members of the group couldn't help but marvel at the spectacle. Again, Sasuke was far to smiley to be natural. Kakashi and Sakura were utterly shocked at the Hyuuga Heiress' behavior. Hyuuga were supposed to be the epitome of calm and collected, while Hinata looked to be a hairs breadth away from physically attacking Haku. Not only that, but from what they knew of the girl- Sakura from being a classmate, and Kakashi from Kurenai's reports to the Hokage- the girl was a perpetual wall flower, and so terribly shy that she couldn't function above basic involuntary physiology around Naruto.

Zabuza stared at Haku with something akin to shock, horror, and pride. He was shocked that his normally mild mannered too- daughter, his daughter- was engaged in such a battle of wills. He was horrified that the normally kind child could be so efficiently cruel in her arguments, as well as the fact that she had decided to settle this dispute in public like a civilian. Despite all of that, his heart swelled with pride. Haku had found love, was willing to fight for that love- that she was kicking ass and taking no prisoners almost made him tear up- and seemed to have effectively won the battle without having to resort to some of the fangirl tactics that he remembered from his youth.

Naruto was frozen in horror as he watched the two women he cherished the most- in a romantic way, at least- fight over him. Sure, he was amazed and flattered at what the quarrel was about, but having Haku and Hinata hating each other was very near the top of things he wanted the least. Naruto knew he had to stop this before it came to blows, but was at a loss of how he could accomplish that without hurting at least one of them. Unfortunately for Naruto, Haku's next shot at Hinata would end the verbal portion of the spat, and take it to the violence.

"So what if Naruto-sama declared a desire to wed you," Haku spat. "I have proof that he wants me."

"Proof?" Hinata asked.

"Oh yes." Haku said. "So great was his desire for me, that Naruto-sama made me a woman less than thirty minutes after we first met."

Everything went silent and still for a moment...and then all hell broke loose. Hinata, face burning red- and her Byakugan blazing- leapt at the older kunoichi with a loud screech of rage. And now that there was wrestling, and the potential for clothes ripping and hair pulling, they had an audience.

Naruto's head hung in shame at that. He really, really should have known that NB was going to bring that back up, and that it was going to severely bite him in the ass. Zabuza covered what was left of his face with his hand, and groaned. He couldn't believe that Haku actually went there, and just knew this was a result of the blond's bad influence.

Sakura blushed again at the implications of the statement, and Sasuke's eye developed a violent twitch at the fact that Naruto had already 'sampled' the mother of his new clan. It was only her strength and beauty that allowed him to ignore the fact that he would be getting the Dobe's sloppy seconds. Kakashi- who had discreetly revealed enough of his Sharingan to record this scene for posterity- let loose a nearly audible, perverted giggle. Jiraiya would be getting several pages of notes from his biggest fan very soon.

Naruto sighed as he watched the two kunoichi fight. At the moment, they were just grappling at each other trying to gain the upper hand, but he'd seen women fight before. Even if they weren't civilians or fangirls, fights between women over boys always seemed to devolve into clothes ripping and hair pulling. While he was well aware that hair pulling with kunoichi involved could get kind of ugly, it wasn't his greatest worry. His greatest issue was the threat to Hinata and Haku's modesty should clothes ripping become a factor. Given how fast Jiraiya's books flew off the shelves, he knew that Konoha was ripe with perverts, and refused to give them a free show at his himes' expenses.

Setting himself for what he was about to do, Naruto created a Kage Bunshin, and the two pulled the girls apart. The two kunoichi struggled against their captors, until the familiar scent, and presence calmed them.

'N-Naruto-kun is touching me.' Hinata squealed in her head, trying desperately not to faint. Why waste precious time that could be spent basking in Naruto-kun's embrace by being unconscious?

'I knew that Naruto-sama would choose me over that child.' Haku thought. 'Especially considering the lengths he went to to ensure that I would be his.'

Both then sent smug smirks to the other girl, knowing that her Naruto-kun/-sama had her in his arms, until they saw who was holding who. It came as a bit of a shock when they realized that not only was Naruto embracing them, but their new rival as well.

"N-Naruto-kun, there's two of you." Hinata said shocked, after she noticed the second blond holding the other girl...

"Naruto-sama knows Kage Bunshin." Haku exclaimed, as if suddenly remembering. "Real clones, real bodies, so many Naruto-sama's." Haku shivered as her eyes glazed a bit.

...before registering just what the older girl was saying. Naruto could make himself go from one to many, and all of them could give her hugs, and kisses, and take off their pants (2).

"But that means," Hinata started. A perverted glean fell over both girls faces, and two pairs of eyes glazed over for several seconds. "W-we don't have to fight over one Naruto-kun." Haku shook her head, also understanding, and riding, the same train of thought.

"We can have as many as we want." She said. The small trickles of blood that trailed from the pair of noses caused many to sweatdrop.

In the boldest move Hinata had ever made to date- albeit poking her fingers together, blushing, and the trickle still coming- she spoke up to her former rival for Naruto. "I can share if you will."

Hinata received a nod, and a beautiful smile from the other girl that made her blush. Now that her thoughts weren't clouded with anger, she could see just how beautiful this girl was, and why Naruto-kun- no Naruto-sama- would want her. She inwardly frowned as she just knew she wouldn't have stood a chance if they'd gone the rival route like Sakura and Ino. But then she remembered.

Naruto had declared his intent to marry her in such a way that the rumor mill had picked it up, and spread it across the village within the hour. Then he had gone out of his way to save this girl from death, and brought her back home. It was obvious that Naruto-sama wanted them both, and intended to keep them both if he could.

Hinata's face turned even redder as certain images of her and Naruto-sama involved in things that the new honorific insinuated. She turned even redder as certain images of her and Haku doing things on the orders of Naruto-sama, and Naruto-sama watching them, surfaced in her mind. She turned even redder and almost fainted as the images of what Naruto-sama would likely do to them both after watching them do things together flew through her brain.

Hinata was shaken from her thoughts when Haku grabbed her by the hand, and began leading her back towards the Hokage's office.

"Come, Hinata-chan." She said. "We must go to the Hokage, and officially declare our intentions for Naruto-sama before someone else gets wise, and tries to take him from us. We cannot have his babies if someone else takes him, right?"

"H-hai, for N-Naruto-s-sama." Hinata replied, blushing at the shivers actually speaking the new honorific sent through her entire body. Turning to his team, Naruto raised an eyebrow.

"Okay, what just happened?" The blond asked confused.

"I think you just got a small harem." Kakashi said, very proud of his student. He couldn't help shake his head realizing he should have seen this coming. Given her bloodline's abilities, and her disposition, he should have figured the Hyuuga girl would be a closet perv, and if Zabuza's story was to be believed, Haku was a fan of Icha Icha.

Zabuza- as he began to reluctantly follow the pair of girls- was wondering if it was too late to rethink his position on having a daughter.

Sakura was still stunned at the fact that someone other than Hinata wanted Naruto. That an incredibly beautiful and powerful kunoichi wanted Naruto, and that anyone would actually fight over the idiot was crazy. Sure, she'd noticed some changes in Naruto that she could admit were attractive taken separately from the whole, but this was still Naruto. The pinkette was also trying to figure out why she was so angry at the fact that someone other than the class pushover had taken an interest in Naruto.

Finally, Sakura was bemoaning the fact that Sasuke-kun didn't know the Kage Bunshin. Then maybe she and her best friend wouldn't have to fight over him. They would be able to share him, and combine their efforts to keep those other fangirls away.

Sasuke, however, was pissed. It looked as if the Dobe might be able to marry both girls after all. He just couldn't believe that Naruto, the idiot deadlast, got both Haku and Hinata- without even trying, at that. It just wasn't fair.

Out of all the girls in their class, Hinata was the only one he found attractive, both because she was a doormat (and that meant she'd never talk back to him or anything like that), and because he could tell that her jacket was hiding a very well developed figure for a girl of twelve. While he couldn't use her to rebuild his clan due to her inferior bloodline, she would still be the perfect girl to practice with. Shy, timid, pliable, the perfect practice tool. If Sasuke were honest with himself, a girl like Hinata was his preferred type. If it hadn't been for the fact that her inferior bloodline was an extremely dominant trait, and his was recessive- and would probably show stronger in any children they had- he'd have long since chosen the little doormat for his future spouse.

Haku...well she was just plain perfect. She was a strong ninja, and she was also very beautiful. She was even more beautiful than himself, and for an Uchiha to admit that was saying something. She'd have been the perfect woman to help rebuild his clan, but no, she had to like the dobe- both of them did. He'd make that idiot pay for sticking him with fangirls like Sakura and Ino. He'd show them- or Haku at the very least- that he was better, and make them want to have his babies.

"Well, now that that bit of excitement has passed, we still have a meeting to conduct." Kakashi said, leading his team the rest of the way to Ichirakus.

As the team sat down in one of the booths, Naruto mentally sought out his partner in crime. 'Hey, thanks for that save back there. That could have been a disaster.'

"Uh, Naruto-" NB started.

'I mean really, how the hell did I forget about Hinata-chan of people?'

"Naruto-" NB tried again.

'Although, did you have to make them seem so perverted?' Naruto asked. 'I mean, sweet, cute, innocent Hinata-chan getting a nose bleed while talking about sharing, and having as many of me as she wanted, that was just bad.'

"Um, I hate to burst your image of innocent little Hinata-chan," NB said. "But I didn't have anything to do with that rather profitable, yet perverted, resolution between Hinata and Haku."

'You mean-'

"Yep, you've landed yourself a couple closet pervs." NB grinned before turning serious. "Although, considering one is an Icha Icha fan, and the other can see through clothes and could never be near you without blushing and fainting..."

"Oh boy."

"Right. Although, I guess this does answer a question I posed in one of my stories whether Hinata would have been less timid if she'd had a rival for you."

'True.'

"By the way, I know he makes it easy, but I think you should take Kakashi's advice, and lay off the teme a bit if your intention is to prevent his defection."

'I know, and I plan to back off some.' Naruto said. 'I'll only retaliate to his being an asshole. But seeing as neither Sakura or Sasuke got a clue until the second part of the Chuunin Exams, and seem to be following that same pattern, I figure I should have some fun with them while I still can.'

"Naruto." NB's voice held a tint of warning.

'Fine, fine, one more prank, and I'll leave him alone...unless he sets himself up for it.' NB thought about the consession for a moment, before giving his answer.

"It's a reasonable condition, so I accept." Naruto breathed a sigh of relief. He didn't want NB twisted sense of humor turned on him again. He and Kyuubi were only just getting past that Tora incident. Of course, this also meant that he'd have to find an alcohol source to satiate the fox's habit.

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That evening, after Naruto helped Haku and Zabuza get settled into one of the apartments in his building, Naruto had a sit down with his girlfriend. Naruto and Haku had considered sharing an apartment, but decided it was too soon for that.

"So, what did jiji say?" Naruto asked.

"He said that even though he respects our decision to share, and that he wishes he could grant our wish, he cannot." Naruto noticed that Haku looked a bit annoyed at that, and he couldn't help feeling so as well. "As it stands, the law is against us, but he thinks there is a loophole that he can use to help us."

"Oh, well that stinks." Naruto grumbled, knowing that he couldn't realistically choose between Haku and Hinata. "Well, we'll figure out something. In the mean time, how good are you with drawing seals?"

"Fairly good." Naruto handed her a piece of paper.

"What's this?"

"A training seal." Naruto said. "It'll put a type of pressure strain on my body that will cut my physical capacity in half. If I can strengthen myself with this on, then when I remove it, my strength, speed, etc. will double trying to return to normal, and I'll be stronger for it."

"But Naruto-sama, if you do that, won't your body be more vulnerable, and weak?" Somehow, Naruto knew she was asking from a medical standpoint.

"I don't exactly know how it works," Naruto admitted. "It's a seal I found in my family scroll, and the wording was sketchy at best. What I do know is that it works, but only for someone with the Uzumaki physical disposition. It kind of sucks, because I wanted to share it with you and Hinata-chan."

While he still had an experimental training seal that they could probably use, he hadn't tested it yet. There was also the fact that his family's seal was so much stronger.

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Her entire first week in Konoha, Haku made her presence felt. Whether it was turning heads as she walked down the street soon after her return. Or giving the Hokage a migraine at the sheer amount of paperwork that would result from her and a clan heiress of Konoha deciding to share a husband. Or even causing the women of the village no end of stress as their boyfriends, fiances, and husbands all eyed the beautiful girl lecherously. What really annoyed them, was the fact that they couldn't really blame her for it, as the way she dressed showed nothing, and was actually more along the lines of what male ninja wore.

No where was this presence more felt than in Konoha's medical facilities. Several times a day, men of all ages- shinobi and civilian alike- were being checked into the hospital and clinics with senbon related injuries. One nurse noted in her daily report that all of the senbon related injuries seemed to involve the majority of Konoha's more persistent self-styled Casanovas. That the injury rate of these men seemed to skyrocket at the same time as a new, very beautiful young kunoichi began to call the village her home was no coincidence in her sharp mind.

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It had been almost two weeks since Team 7 had returned from their first C-rank mission- a very interesting interesting first C-rank at that. After a couple days of recovery- days which also included helping his girlfriend and her father get settled into his apartment building- the team jumped back into the swing of things. The first day they'd reconvened, they had taken a couple of light D-rank missions. Training for the next week had consisted of reviewing the Wave mission, analyzing their battles, and gauging their progress with Water Walking to determine if they were ready to raise the difficulty level.

Naruto and Sakura had progressed with the exercise enough that they were ready to try keeping their footing on moving water. Sasuke on the other hand, as a result of his being stubborn, had only just gotten stationary standing to the point that it was second nature. Luckily for him, being able to move around without sinking was only just a step above mastering stationary standing. Finally, when he was able to run through the entire Academy taijutsu kata, Kakashi had deemed him ready to join Sakura and Naruto the next day.

Sadly, he wouldn't be joining them quite yet, for when he turned to them, he found something that would again bruise his ego. While he was just about to start working on moving water, Sakura and Naruto were already calmly sitting on top of the moving water of a nearby stream that flowed into the waterpool he was working on- both with crowns of leaves on their head- playing a game of go fish with a pair of Naruto's clones. Sasuke let out a frustrated growl, as he angrily stalked away from the training ground.

"You know, one would think that at some point he'd activate his Sharingan, copy one of us doing this exercise, and save himself a lot of trouble." Naruto said, sighing.

Sakura, who was starting to lose a lot of the respect she had for her crush- yet still hadn't gotten a clue about her own shortcomings- shook her head. "Naruto, I'm sorry for calling you a genius that day."

"Being a genius isn't really a bad thing," Naruto said. "But nearly every one I've ever encountered tends to overthink everything, while overlooking the obvious, and end up making things so much harder for themselves- and often others- than they really have to be."

It would be another three weeks before all three were of an acceptible level to start sparring on the moving water. Much to everyone's surprise, this exercise turned out to be harder than they expected. In an odd turn of events, Sasuke was the first to get the exercise down. This, of course, because he'd finally decided to put his Sharingan to use, and copied it while Kakashi was demonstrating. Naruto was the next to get it, using his clones, while it took Sakura a few more days to get it due to her much smaller reserves.

Aside from training and missions, Naruto didn't really do all that much his first month back from Wave. He'd set out a goal for that first real mission, and had succeeded even beyond his wildest dreams. Okay, so that was stretching it a bit, considering his wildest dreams involved him, Haku, and Hinata, a fast forward of about five years, lots of gratuitous nudity, and a weekly need to buy a new matress. Anyway, before that train of thought had been derailed, Naruto was congratulating himself on a successful plan.

Still, he knew that he needed to start planning for the Chuunin Exams, and that meant some serious training aside from what he did with his team. The training he needed, was getting his physical state back up to par with his shinobi abilities. That, however, would take until at least sometime after he went away with Ero-Sennin, so he needed a loftier goal. Maybe he should shoot for about even with Lee. That would put him about even with most real threats, and ahead of pretty much everyone else.

The most important thing Naruto had done, however, had been to spend time with his girlfriends...or at least he had planned to. For some strange reason, Hinata and Haku would disappear together for long periods of time. The few times that he'd caught up with them before they did so, he'd been told point blank that he wasn't invited. He'd been able to get a small nugget from Hinata, but that had basically amounted to his 'harem' wanting to get to know each other better.

The one time he'd tried to 'figuratively' put his foot down on their disappearing acts, and not inviting him to join them, Haku had laughed at him. She then proceeded to inform him that while they may be 'his' harem, it was only because they 'chose' to be so, and that they could easily find someone else if he was going to start acting like Sasuke. Given how much attention Haku had been getting since her arrival, and the growing number of interested parties in Hinata since she'd become closer to Haku, Naruto decided that they were right, and he would shut up about it.

Haku, sweet girl that she was, took pity on him, and told him they had no intentions of doing so, but that he needed to understand that he didn't own them. That both the intoxicated Kyuubi and NB were both in the back of his mind calling him an idiot for that stunt really brought that message home. She'd also told him the real reason they'd been avoiding him. Until the Hokage gave the okay, he and Hinata couldn't engage in any couple related activities. It wasn't fair that she could, and the young heiress who'd loved him for years couldn't, so they would both wait until they could.

Reluctantly, Naruto agreed to the decision...but that didn't mean he had to like it.

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Month two in Konoha turned out to be a bit more interesting. One of the biggest things that happened, was that Naruto was finally granted the rights to date both Hinata and Haku...but that didn't come until much later in the month. Another interesting facet of the second month, was that Haku was finally introduced to the other members of their age group, starting with their graduation class.

First had been the introductions to Team Ten. Ino had balked at the fact that there was now someone in their age group who was more beautiful than she was. This of course led to her getting into an argument with Sakura over the fact. None of the three boys felt it safe to mention that they'd all thought Hinata, Amaki (3), and Tenten had always been the three prettiest girls their age.

Chouji and Shikamaru at least had accepted Haku almost immediately. Although it should be mentioned that Chouji had started developing a slight crush on the pretty girl, before finding out that she was already seeing someone. When Ino had finally gotten over her feelings of inadequacy, she'd been properly introduced, and had been on the way to becoming friends. That is, until Haku revealed that she didn't use beauty products (having formerly been a boy, that beauty just happened). When it was further revealed that Haku had not only defeated Sasuke in a battle, but that as a result, Sasuke was crushing on the older girl, Ino became almost hostile. In what should have been an expected act, Ino declared Haku her rival- not that the older girl cared one bit about the rivalry, or the subject of it.

The next team that she ended up meeting was Team 8- or at least one member of it, since she'd already met Hinata. Shino had taken her presence as he had everyone elses. He neither made any positive or negative reaction, just nodded his head, welcomed her to Konoha, and went on his way. Hinata had wanted to introduce Haku to her other teammate as well, but Kiba had had a bit of an accident. While she didn't have the details, Hinata had been able to learn that Kiba had challenged his sister for dominance, and the distinction of heir, and lost- badly.

Meeting Gai's team had been an accident, an exercise in patience, and also rather amusing. They'd been taking advantage of a mission assignment that had been requested by Haku- one that involved Hinata and Naruto being asked for specifically- when they'd run into Gai's team. Upon seeing Haku, Lee immediately appeared at her side, took her hand, and declared his endless, and undying love. It took some severe restraint for Naruto not to club the boy over the head, as he knew that this was Lee's usual protocol when meeting a beautiful girl that wasn't an enemy.

After being told that she was involved with someone, and waiting for Lee to get over his heartbreak, introductions were made. Lee of course make a fuss about Naruto being youthful and flaming, and immediately declared Naruto his eternal rival. Tenten on the other hand, found a kindred spirit in Haku...well, to an extent. As soon as she learned about Haku's proficiency with senbon, she declared Haku her best friend, and asked her if she could help her. It was kind of ironic in a way. As good as Tenten was with weapons- projectiles especially- senbon were the only weapon that she'd never been able to get the hang of.

The only introduction that took some doing, was Neji's. Given that he'd been too busy glaring at Hinata- who had slipped behind Naruto to get away from her cousin's gaze- it took awhile to get his attention. For Naruto, Neji's constant glaring at Hinata was starting to annoy him.

"You know Neji, hating your cousin over such a trivial thing is quite ugly of you." He snapped. "Why don't you grow a pair, and stop harassing Hinata."

"Naruto-sama, that's very rude." Haku said. "It's not her fault that her breasts haven't grown in yet. Don't worry, Neji-chan, one day you'll blossom, and if Hinata-chan is any indication, quite nicely, I'm sure. After all, mine didn't really sprout until I was fifteen."

The eye twitch that developed over Neji's eye was priceless. That Tenten and Lee found the comment absolutely hilarious was classic. The thing that really brought a smile to his face, was that he could feel Hinata shaking with quiet laughter behind his back, and her being happy was one of the true joys in Naruto's life. It didn't hurt that Neji's next comment, and Haku's rebuttal only added to the humor.

"I'm a boy." Neji growled.

"Really?" Haku asked shocked, though given her past, she really shouldn't have assumed. "I'm very sorry, but your hair is so well kept, I assumed that you were a girl."

"Lee, Tenten, let's go." The elder Hyuuga snapped, before walking off.

"See ya, and I'll get in touch about those senbon lessons." Tenten said, grin wider than he'd ever seen it.

That Haku calling Neji a girl was a genuinely honest mistake had shocked Naruto, yet made him feel that Neji had gotten a nice dose of karmic retribution.

And thus ended Haku's rather interesting introduction to Konoha...or at least to the people that really matter in the story. You'll probably notice that one person was left out...well, that meeting would take place later, and has its own significance to the story, so we'll just hold that off for now.

888

Another source of amusement for Naruto, was finding out about Kakashi's greatest fear. That fear happened to be of what the Hokage would do to him should Naruto take up the shinobi vices. Naruto, just to see how his sensei would react, started carrying around a gourd like Gaara's full of sake. Seeing Kakashi twitch every time the sound of sloshing alcohol rang out from the gourd had been amusing, but Naruto also realized that it was making Kakashi an even more ineffective teacher than he already was at times.

Sadly, the Hokage made him stop after a week. His reasoning of not traumatizing his teacher was sound, and really, the joke was starting to get old. Not to mention, seeing Kakashi sobbing, hugging his pillow was kind of sad. After that, things mostly returned to normal...with the exception that Naruto somehow found a way to get copious amounts of alcohol to the Kyuubi- delivered on a weekly basis. I won't go into details, because frankly I'm still confused how it worked, and I doubt that even a plothole could explain it away.

One of the more interesting things that happened, was Haku's probation period had ended, and she was finally allowed to become a full citizen. That meant she could finally get her green card...or whatever the Narutoverse version was called, which would allow her the proper papers to get a job doing more than menial service work. Now Haku was humble enough that working as a restaurant server or a housemaid weren't beneath her, but she refused to wear the attire some of the potential bosses wanted her to.

With her new ID, she could finally apply for the job that she wanted. And given her skills as a medic, and the fact that the Hokage had even given her a recommendation, she was a shoe in for the job. Sadly, on her first day, she realized how frustrating the job would be. Several of her more persistent wannabe suitors had begun doing stupid things to get themselves admitted to the hospital in the hopes of being treated by her. In the end, she'd been promoted out of necessity, and sent to the pediatric wing. There, she filled in for the morning shift nurse who was on maternity leave, and even helped in the afternoons when needed.

888888

Having all reached a suitable level of proficiency with the Water Walking exercise, Kakashi's team couldn't do more than sit around, and wait for him. Sure, Naruto had training techniques he could use, and he had clones working on them even then, but none of them were safe for anyone save an Uzumaki or a Jinchuuriki. Therefore, as the team waited for their sensei, Naruto sat up in the tree, suppressing his chakra to near nothing. After all, making oneself disappear to the acute senses of a shinobi was a useful tool to have. Suddenly, and surprisingly only 45 minutes late, a swirl of leaves announced the arrival of Kakashi.

"You're late, again." Sakura said, though her face held an uncharacteristic smirk. When Kakashi noticed that Naruto was missing, only the mask on his face was able to hide his frown.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, and to get back in and start over." He replied. Sakura, Sasuke, and even the hidden Naruto found themselves actually startled by Kakashi's excuse. For once, it was actually a pretty good one.

"Wow, that was actually a good one." Sakura said, resulting in a hidden smirk. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough, because a moment later, Naruto appeared in a swirl of poppy seeds.

"You're late, Naruto." Kakashi said.

"Sorry about that, but I was helping try to put Humpty Dumpty back together again." Naruto held a smirk back as Kakashi developed a twitch in the eye that he'd remembered Tsunade was prone to. "Candy ball?" Naruto asked, holding up the bag full of sweets that he'd pulled from a plothole because the author forgot to mention that he'd had them before.

"I don't like sweet things." Sasuke sneered, as Sakura and Kakashi reluctantly accepted one. Apparently, Sasuke was the only person on the team- and one of the few in the village- who didn't like Konoha's candy staple.

"Wait, isn't your favorite food sweet tomatoes?" Naruto asked. "Kind of a contradiction, don't you think?"

"Shut up, no one asked you." Sasuke said, flustered upon realizing that Naruto was right. "I happen to prefer salty treats."

"Sasuke, you'd better be glad that I promised I wouldn't unnecessarily tease you anymore, because declaring you like salty treats can be taken oh, so many ways." Sasuke stiffened.

"Naruto, I just want you to know that I hate you." Sasuke said, turning away from him. Smirking, Naruto threw up a swift henge, before replying.

"Foolish little brother, your hate isn't strong enough." Sasuke froze, turned to glare into the eyes of his elder brother- whom he knew was Naruto mocking him- and suddenly started twitching. Kakashi couldn't hold his laughs back, and was forced to agree with Naruto's next comment. "Sorry, but that was just too perfect to pass up."

Noticing that Sasuke was about to lose his composure, Kakashi decided to intervene. "Okay, now that you've all gotten the hang of Water Walking, I've decided to start you all on something fun- well, at least it'll be fun for me watching you."

And so began the teamwork training from hell. Naruto had to admit that what Kakashi did was sheer genius, and would have found it very amusing had he not been a part of the suffering. What he'd done, was tied each of their limbs together to their teammates corresponding limbs with maybe three feet of wire between each limb, and made them go through the Academy Kata.

What this forced them to do was synchronize their movements, because overextending- which given the longer reaches of Sakura and Sasuke was all too common- it would cause Naruto to be thrown off balance. Given the fact that Naruto was much stronger than his teammates, if he got too aggressive on a maneuver, it could pull Sakura and Sasuke off balance. All in all, Naruto had to admit it was a good training tool to foster teamwork- though Kakashi probably hadn't intended it to be through a mutual hatred of himself- as well as a good way for them to slowly but surely build them all up to a common footing. That is, if they didn't have to deal with Sasuke's ego, Sakura's complaining, and Naruto plotting pranking revenge on Kakashi for making him deal with the former two.

Little did the trio know, that Kakashi's next exercise was for them to do the same thing while Water Walking. When Kakashi woke up five days after announcing this particular hell, his traumatized shriek could be heard all the way in Wave Country. Why you ask? His stash had been replaced with hardcore yaoi of the bondage sort.

A smirking Naruto turned to his teammates and said.

"Sorry guys, but Kakashi-sensei is going to be late." Naruto said. "He just found that his entire porn stash has been replaced by extreme, hardcore, bondage yaoi, and is probably foaming at the mouth in mental suffering."

It was at this point that both Sakura and her Inner Persona vowed to never antagonize Naruto again. Naruto's vengeance tended to be scarring in the most heinous manner possible, striking at the thing you most loved, or found solace in. Sadly, it would take Sasuke a bit longer to learn this lesson.

88888888

By the time she reached the end of her second month of being a Konoha citizen, Haku had finally had enough of the unwanted attention. She decided to make sure everyone knew that she was spoken for, very much off limits, and exactly who had claimed her heart, and- according to rumors that neither she nor Naruto felt needed to be addressed- her virtue. The final straw for Haku's patience would actually come as a result of an incident dealing with the remaining member of her age group she had yet to meet.

As Naruto and Haku were heading to the training grounds- she enjoyed walking him there, before Shunshining to the hospital where she now worked- they ran into Hinata's teammates. As soon as Kiba saw her, his rather primal instincts- blame his clan, and their bonding to their canine- went into overdrive. When his eyes lit upon the fact that she was with Naruto, his inner alpha decided to try and rear its head. After all, he'd been ahead of Naruto at the Academy, and it was rather plainly obvious who the alpha was between them.

Now given what he knew of Naruto, and the fact that he hadn't seen the blond in well over two months- and therefore wasn't aware of the huge changes- one could argue that he should be forgiven for thinking he had a chance at taking Naruto's girl, and that all it would take was turning on the alpha male attitude. Then again, that whole Hinata issue should have given him some clue. First, though, he'd need to get some information.

"Hey Shino, who's the hottie with the loser?"

"That is Haku Momochi." Shino answered calmly. "She is Naruto's girlfriend."

"What about Hinata?" The dog user asked confused.

"According to the bugs I had planted on her, they have decided to share him." Kiba goggled at that. No way could that loser score a hot chick, let alone two.

"We'll see about that." Having tried and failed for years, Kiba knew trying to talk Hinata out of being with Naruto was an exercise in futility. This other girl, however- who obviously didn't know that he was the alpha of their age group, and Naruto was at the bottom of the pack- wasn't indoctrinated into Dobevision like his teammate. With what he thought was a cool air, and just radiating the alpha male scent that women couldn't resist, Kiba approached Haku, and casually threw his arm around her shoulders. "Hey, why don't you ditch the dobe, an-AAGGGHHH!"

Before he'd even finished speaking, Haku had grabbed his arm, twisted it, and fliped him onto the ground. With almost minimal effort, she held him down with his arm pinned behind his back.

"You were touching me in a way that I did not like." The girl stated coldly. "Please do not do so again. My heart and my body have already been claimed by another, and you have no chance of convincing me otherwise." Standing, she gave him one last glare, before turning and walking away with Naruto. "Come, Naruto-sama, or we'll be late."

Kiba couldn't help but watch the pair walk off in shock. Moments later, a shadow fell over the young Inuzuka. Rolling over, he found himself staring up into the impassive face of his teammate.

"You met with failure." Came the usual monotone. "Why? Because like Hinata, Haku has found something special in Naruto that no one else possesses. My hypothesis is that it's his unmatched stamina, but I could be wrong. If there is any truth to the rumors my bugs have picked up, then it would seem our teammate is not as innocent as we once thought, and that you never stood a chance against Naruto."

"You know, that's the most I've ever heard you say." Kiba said suddenly, as he sat up.

"I am aware. That's why you won't hear me speaking for at least a week unless it's an emergency, or I am instructed to do so by a superior officer."

888

About ten minutes later, Naruto and Haku finally reached the training grounds. Giving his teammates a grin, he said.

"Sorry I'm late, but we got held up when Haku got angry at Kiba getting too touchy." Kakashi, not really caring at the moment, just nodded. He was still in recovery from yaoi discovery, and hadn't been able to even think of any excuses.

"Fine, whatever Naruto." Kakashi said.

"It was nice spending time with you this morning, Naruto-sama." Haku said sweetly, missing her boyfriend, but willing to make the sacrifice for her sister. "Now I must go, or I'll be late for my shift."

As they shared a chaste, but no less loving peck on the lips, Naruto could have sworn he heard someone growl. Turning, he caught Sasuke glaring at him in such a way, that could looks kill, he'd have had a strong case of indigestion.

"Don't tell me you're still mad about that." Naruto said, shortly after Haku disappeared in a swarm of bubbles.

"What do you have that I don't?" Sasuke growled. Fed up, Naruto decided to fight fire with several tons of pickle relish. This just meant that he replied in a way that got the job done, but did so in a completely inappropriate manner that could have saved time and others a lot of annoyance had he just used the best remedy.

"Superior physical attributes." Naruto couldn't help teasing. When he got a look of confusion, Naruto grabbed his crotch, and wagged his eyebrows. The twitch that developed over Sasuke's eyes proved that he understood. Kakashi groaned, just knowing this wasn't going to end well.

"Yeah right." Sasuke said, giving Uchiha Superior Smirk # 11. This was the patented, 'I-know-a-secret-you-don't' smirk.

You see, Sasuke had done some research, and had learned that for some reason, he didn't suffer from the Tiny Tackle curse his father's line did. It was probably for the best that Mikoto's journals never mentioned the reason for this. Sasuke probably wouldn't have handled learning that Fugaku wasn't his or Itachi's biological father very well. Unfortunately for Sasuke, Naruto had gotten the overkill on endowment genetics, and that was before you factored in the enhancements being the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki from birth forced the body to undergo.

"Fine, you want to have a dick measuring contest, then whip it out, teme." Naruto said, going for his zipper. "I win, you teach me that fire jutsu of yours. You win, I'll give you the fire manipulation section of my family scroll to keep."

Sasuke's eyes narrowed at that. That jutsu- well, the particular way the Uchiha performed it- was sacred to his clan, and to teach it to someone not of the clan was just not done. On the other hand, given how fast the dobe seemed to get elemental manipulation down after reading his clan techniques, it was obviously worth the risk. Going for his own zipper- and ignoring the hyperventilating Sakura who looked like Christmas had come early, and lasted for a month- he was suddenly stopped by their sensei.

"Actually, I wouldn't make that bet, Sasuke." The man said. "While I have no real information on the men, female Uzumaki tended to be very well endowed; and none of the ones I've ever met had anything less than a D-cup by the time they were legal by civilian standards. Given recent events, I'm going to guess that the trait wasn't gender specific." In truth, he'd only ever met three Uzumaki, Kushina included, but he really didn't want to see either of his students expose themselves. "There's also the fact that according to a former teammate of mine, Naruto's father was big enough to give someone a concussion with a good club to the head."

Naruto couldn't help smirking at Sasuke's frown, and decided to rub it in just a bit.

"That's my secondary bloodline." Naruto replied.

"Useless." Sasuke taunted. "What good is having it if it doesn't do you any good in a fight?"

"First of all, it'll be a very useful bloodline to have when we get older." Naruto shot back. "And I'll have you know that my bloodline is very useful in a fight...well, against enemy kunoichi, anyway. Or have you already forgotten about Haku?"

Sasuke gave Naruto a glare that if looks could kill, would have given Naruto a slight headache. Hey, looks like that took time to get right, damn it. Well, at least he was working to improve the look.

Sakura- as she thought about exactly what Naruto was saying, and what it could mean- blushed a darker pink than her hair. Maybe she'd been just a bit premature in judging Naruto as unworthy of her romantic attention. And with Hinata and Haku as potential suitors, she wouldn't stand a chance. Shaking her head of such traitorous thoughts, she snuck a sideways glance to Sasuke.

'Focus on the big prize. Focus on the big prize. Focus on the-scowl that's really starting to annoy me, and make me question my crush.' Sakura frowned. 'Damn it, Naruto has ruined a perfectly good fangirl obsession by proving everything that I thought I knew about he and Sasuke mostly wrong.'

Kakashi, well Kakashi remembered a certain redhead limping around his sensei's home- in nothing but a thin robe at that- with a huge smile on her face. He then remembered his precious, and the potential research that Naruto would provide with his new girlfriend(s) down the line. That line of thought, Naruto's claim that his bloodline was useful against enemy kunoichi, and Haku admitting that Naruto had made her a woman, led to another thought- one about a potential jutsu to flesh out for when he presented his own research to Jiraiya. The perverted giggles that followed, while creepy, were not unexpected.

"What are you giggling about?" Sakura growled.

"Just thinking of the most devastating jutsu for Naruto's new bloodline." Kakashi said. "The Instant Defection no Jutsu. I'm guessing that's what you used on Haku-chan. Though I am curious where this one came from."

After all, this was one that could have come from either side.

"From my father's side, actually." Naruto said- and really, Kakashi wasn't surprised given how much blood Rin had lost when she'd 'accidentally' seen sensei. "Before they joined Konoha, the Namikaze were horse farmers. The crazy thing was, some of the women in the clan loved their horses a bit too much, and made a habit of expressing this love in ways that I prefer not to go into. Over time, they noticed that the genitals of male children in the family started becoming much larger, so it worked out. Thankfully they decided to stop before the inheritances got too big."

"That's gross." Sakura protested as her sharp mind put the pieces together.

"Hey, I never said it was a glamorous bloodline history, but I certainly won't complain about the results."

Kakashi was frozen to the spot in horror. He could remember Kushina bragging about his sensei's horsedick to anyone who'd listen, much to Minato's embarrassment, and the seriously jealous looks on Mikoto's face. Suddenly, that limping, smiling redhead wasn't so fond a memory anymore. He was going to have nightmares about stumbling upon Kushina getting reamed by a horse with his sense's features, he just knew it. As his teammates reacted to the news, Naruto was having a mental conversation.

'I'd like to reiterate that while their reactions were amusing, you're a sick, twisted bastard.' Naruto thought.

"Again, you say that like it's news to me." NB replied distractedly. "Now leave me alone. I just had a funny idea for Orochimaru's Edo Tensei that I'm trying to flesh out."

888888

While Naruto was traumatizing his teammates, elsewhere an elderly man was finally coming to a decision on the young man who was as much his grandson as Konohamaru was.

For nearly a month, the old Hokage had debated with himself over whether or not he should grant the request of Konoha's newest kunoichi. Given the general opinion held about Naruto, there would be no shortage of people who would protest the decision. After hearing about the incident involving Naruto, Kiba, and Haku- as well as what happened to Kakashi, and really not wanting to be on the receiving end of that for denying Naruto his lovelies- Sarutobi finally decided to act on the information that he'd found.

888

The next morning, after gathering his former teammates, Sarutobi sent out the messenger for a meeting of the Council. Once everyone was assembled, he wasted no time getting down to business.

"I have decided to grant the petition of Haku Momochi and Hinata Hyuuga to both marry Naruto." Sarutobi told the gathered advisors and Council members.

"You can't do that?" Some random Council member that surprisingly wasn't Sakura's banshee of a mom, but that no one really cares about yelled. Although to be fair, that title was only because no one had invented a silencing technique that could truly give her and her husband privacy when they were intimate. In his cold, calculating, borderline villain tone, Danzo jumped on the little nugget.

"Random Councilmember-san is correct, Sarutobi." He spoke. "Despite what some may think, Naruto is a citizen of Konoha, and therefore subject to Konoha's laws." Danzo didn't restrict taking digs to only Sarutobi, he was also fond of taking shots at the stupid civilians. Them even more, because he at least respected the old monkey's ability as a ninja. "He does not come from a shinobi clan, and therefore does not qualify for the CRA protocols that would allow for bigamy."

"I am aware of that, Danzo." Sarutobi began with a smirk. "However, when it comes to Naruto, the Konoha protocols do not apply."

"Oh, do tell." The bandaged man said. While his tone was just mocking enough to appease certain civilians, Sarutobi was able to tell that his real feelings on the subject were amused interest. As much as Danzo liked badgering him, he took an especially sick amusement from Sarutobi getting one over on uppity civilians.

"Tell me, where was Naruto born?"

"In Kono-" That same unimportant council member started.

"I see." Danzo blatantly interrupted, coming to the exact conclusion that Sarutobi wanted him to.

"Sarutobi you genius." Koharu muttered with a smirk.

It should be noted that none of the shinobi on the council had any kind of problems with Naruto- well except for Koharu, who upon learning how many Kage Bunshin he could make in one shot, was wishing that she was about 50 years younger. And Hiashi, who was dealing with a teenage daughter who tended to swoon everytime the boys name was mentioned, and had been doing it ever since he'd declared that he had intentions towards her- and most actually quite liked him.

Hell, given all of their experiences with the demon cat Tora, the boy was practically a hero, and none of them would have been opposed to Naruto having intentions towards their daughters. Though it should be mentioned that with the exception of Hiashi and Tsume, none of them had daughters, and none of them knew of Naruto's ability to turn their sons into daughters.

Tsume didn't care because Hana was old enough to make her own decisions, and she knew that his stamina would mean her daughter would be a happy wife.

"The only reason I would have to deny them, would be if Hiashi had any issues with his daughter wedding Naruto."

Hiashi shook his head in the negative. Denying her after the Hokage had approved of it...given how much like her mother she'd turned out to be so far, he was going to err on the side of caution. Besides, while his daughter's reaction to the boy's intentions were irritating, the only real issue he had was the bitch fits the elders were prone to because of Naruto's unimpressive birth. To them, royal clan or not, the Uzumaki were a foreign clan, and whether they produced a Hokage or not, the Namikaze were not a prestigious clan.

Which was ironic, considering their less than prestigious origins. The Hyuuga had started out as exterminators. Not of the enemy ninja variety, but of the household pests pursuasion. Using their eyes to scan buildings, the Hyuuga of olden times would be able to instantly pinpoint where the insects were, and wipe out their nests. They were very good at what they did, and it was said that people even bowed in gratitude the second they saw the tan uniform of the Hyuuga approaching.

It wasn't until a few Hyuuga decided to study the shinobi arts, and learned about chakra that they found another use for their Bloodline. It had begun because the heiress of the clan just so happened to be an exceptionally well endowed girl with an uber 'moe' cuteness (4)(^), and there were those of a perverted nature who wished to possess her. Thus the Hyuuga, in a bid to protect their heiress, began the path that would make them a shinobi clan.

"I don't understand." Tsume finally stated, getting back to the original point of Naruto not being born in Konoha.

"Naruto was not born within the walls of Konoha." Sarutobi started. "He was actually born about a mile away as a precaution. His mother, who had been the previous host for the Kyuubi, was aware that the seal would weaken while she was giving birth, so she did so away from the village just in case."

"What does the boy being born outside the village walls have to do with anything?" Random Councilmember spat.

"Since Naruto is an Uzumaki by birth, and was born outside of the walls of Konoha, he technically has all of the rights and privileges as all Konoha stationed shinobi from the Uzumaki Clan of Uzushiogakure. As you are aware, Uzumaki custom stipulates that Uzumaki may have multiple spouses should they find such love, and the spouses are willing to share. Apparently it also allows any men married to an Uzumaki woman to have multiple spouses as well."

"So that's what Kushina meant when she kept telling me and Mikoto that she didn't mind sharing." Tsume said. "Wish I'd have taken her up on that offer, instead of hooking up with Kiba's deadbeat dad."

"Hokage-sama, if I may, why are you doing this?" A nobleman asked.

"Aside from the fact that it's the right thing to do?" Sarutobi asked. "The simple matter is because it would be in the best interests of the village. Not only will allowing them to formally declare their intentions cut down on the numerous hospital visits by wannabe suitors for Miss Momochi," Random Councilmember scowled at that. His son had been one of those wannabe suitors. "-but it will also ensure us a new bloodline, and that our Jinchuuriki doesn't decide to take his family to another village that would accept them."

"But that would be treason." Random Councilwoman said. "The Kyuubi belongs to Konoha, he can't leave the village."

"Again, you must remember that Naruto is an Uzumaki, and was born outside the village." Sarutobi explained. "As a clan, the Uzumaki were allied with Konoha, but they were never officially a part of Konoha. Should Naruto desire to leave, there is legally nothing we can do to stop him, regardless of him being a ninja. As for the Kyuubi belonging to us, I ask you this. Who was the first shinobi to contain the Kyuubi? How did the Kyuubi even come to be associated with our village?"

"Mito Uzumaki, Kushina Uzumaki, and Naruto Uzumaki." Danzo said in understanding. "The Kyuubi had been containted in three Uzumaki, none of which were born to this village. If anything, that biju belongs to their clan, and it would be in our best interst to keep the last one loyal to us."

The old Kage gave them a few minutes to ponder his words, before dismissing them. When it was just the four elders left in the room, Danzo spoke the thought that had been on his mind since it had been said.

"We both know that Naruto would never leave or betray Konoha, Sarutobi." The mummy said. "He loves this village too much."

"The four of us know this, but they don't." The Hokage said.

"It's times like this that remind me why you were chosen to be Hokage." Danzo gave him a nod, before leaving. He was soon followed by Koharu and Homura.

Once he was alone in his office with just the paperwork, he let out a frustrated sigh. "And it's times like this that I envy the three of you for not being chosen."

888

At the same time as this was happening, Naruto and Kakashi were arriving for another day of training and missions with Team 7.

"You're late Kakashi-sensei." Sakura said, though it should be noticed that she no longer yelled it.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got lost on the road of life."

"Yeah right." She deadpanned, then turned to Naruto. "And what's your excuse?"

"Ano, I was following Kakashi-sensei (*)." He said, shrugging. As Kakashi grumbled about being bested again, Sakura and Sasuke couldn't help smirking at the excuse Naruto chose.

"Ha! Take that late baka-sensei!" Inner Sakura cheered, punching the air.

Frustrated, Kakashi tried to decide what to do today. The mission office was out because the only D-ranks available were for people who had irrational Naruto hatreds, and the only two C's they were eligable for, he didn't trust Naruto on. Not that they couldn't do them, but there was too much potential for Naruto to have free time...free time that had been spent plotting pranks on himself ever since he'd called Naruto a genius. You'd think he'd take that as a compliment, but no, Naruto was insulted.

He couldn't do teamwork exercises at the moment, because frankly, with the mood Naruto was in, if even just he and Sakura were able to work together, well, it would be a fairly unpleasant experience for him. Until he was able to figure something out, he decided to just set the trio to water walking on the waterfall nearby their training grounds. The exercise in itself was impossible to perform, let alone master. The logistics of water walking, combined with gravity, as well as the current and flow of the water, made it an undoable task. Hence the reason he'd assigned it, as it would give him plenty of time to think.

About an hour later, Kakashi found himself shocked, and slightly horrified. Having finally figured out something for them to do, he'd rejoined his squad to find that once again, Naruto and impossible led to being scarred for life. Not only was Naruto skating along the surface of the fall as if it were still water, but Sakura was walking calmly, if a little slowly, and even Sasuke had a firm footing so long as he remained still. In the split second that followed, Kakashi waged an inner debate with himself over whether or not he would save face and ignore what he was seeing, or swallow his pride and ask Naruto to show him how they'd done it.

He decided to ask Sakura later. She was the most likely to show him, and the least likely to mock him for asking. Plus, if he worded his inquiry as if he wanted to know how they were doing it, as opposed to the way he was taught, she'd be less likely to question him.

Kakashi closed his eyes, took several deep breaths, and counted slowly to ten. When he opened his eyes, the only thing that had changed were the number of orange clad blonds skating on the waterfall, the original was sitting with a book in his lap, and he noticed one male/female pair who seemed to be performing a couples skating routine. Suddenly, the blond reading the book went poof- book and all- and he heard a sound to his left that chilled his blood.

"Muahahahaha!" Naruto cackled, evilly. He grinned as the laugh caused both his teammates to lose concentration, and fall from the waterfall they were trying to climb. "Muahaha! Muha-haha-haha!"

"Naruto, what are you doing?" Kakashi asked.

"I'm practicing my evil laugh." Naruto replied. "You know, just in case I decide to defect or get banished because of it, I'll have an evil laugh to use to strike fear into the Konoha fools' hearts." Okay, that was the last straw. Kakashi could admit that some of Naruto's antics were amusing, but a lot of them were disturbing, and this was one of the disturbing times. Kakashi grabbed the blond by the shoulder.

"Sasuke, Sakura, waterfall climbing until I return." With that the two disappeared.

Half an hour later, found Kakashi sitting in the waiting room of the Konoha psychiatric office. He hadn't been here since Hitomi had recommended he retire from Anbu. Speaking of the delectable Chuunin.

"Kakashi, what are you doing here?" She asked. "Do you have an appointment?"

"No, I'm waiting on one of my students." He said. "Naruto has been acting a little off since the Wave Mission, and I brought him in to see you, but you were out. Kouga-san said he'd take care of him though." Hitomi paled.

"Kakashi, you didn't." She said. "There is a standing order that Naruto is never to be left alone with Kouga."

"It can't be that bad, can it?"

"Kouga has Kyuubi issues, and the last time Naruto was here, he vowed that he would leave Kouga in a corner crying." Whatever else she was going to say was cut off as Naruto exited the room with a wide grin. Peeking his head in, sure enough, he found Kouga sitting in a corner, rocking back and forth, sobs falling from his lips, and tears flowing from his eyes like Gai upon encountering something extraordinarily youthful.

"Naruto, what did you do?" Kakashi asked sternly.

"I made him feel like less of a man." Came the easy reply. For a moment, Kakashi didn't know whether to be proud or fearful of that declaration's implications.

For over an hour, the other shrinks tried to find out exactly what Naruto had done, but with no success. Eventually, the man had to be sedated and committed. Really, it wasn't Naruto's fault that Kouga didn't know that his wife was a very sexually liberated woman, that he just wasn't getting the job done, and that the 45 year old cougar had likely popped as many male cherries, as Tsunade had bottles of sake in the last year. Sometimes his knowledge of the future was very useful. He'd have to see if he could get Kakashi to schedule them one of her D-ranks. Maybe getting laid would help Sasuke's attitude.

Heaving a sigh of frustration, Kakashi just told Naruto to meet him back at their training grounds after he was discharged.

"Sorry it took so long," Naruto started, arriving in a swirl of rice cakes thirty minutes later. "-but-"

"Save it, Naruto." Kakashi said. "Go spar with Sakura and Sasuke."

Shrugging, Naruto did as told. A few moments later, Haku and Hinata both arrived via swirling bubbles, and glomped their blond boyfriend- Haku kicking Sasuke away from where he was sneaking up behind Naruto- and thoroughly kissed his cheek.

"Not that I'm complaining, but what was that for?" Naruto asked. Given that Hinata had yet to stop kissing Naruto, Haku answered.

"I do not quite know, myself." She answered. "Hinata-chan and I were eating lunch together, and suddenly had the urge to hug and kiss you."

The reason for the urge would be revealed later that evening when the trio were called to the Hokage's office.

88888888

When the news regarding Naruto's ability to marry both Hinata and Haku hit the rumor mill, it had circulated the entire village within two hours. Most reactions were typical. The unrepentant Naruto haters were spitting vitrol that could poison someone with even Orochimaru's insane tolerance. Most of the village- shinobi included- just shrugged, and carried on with their lives, especially when the circumstances that allowed Naruto the right came out. After all, overthinking anything dealing with the Uzumaki tended to lead to long stays in mental health facilities.

There was one person, however, who normally would have been among the shruggers, but couldn't stop his anger from growing at the news. He wasn't so caring about the fact that Naruto could marry twice, rather he was furiously annoyed by the fact that Naruto could keep his promise to Hinata, and now legally marry the woman he wanted to be the mother of his heirs. As a result of the ruling, Sasuke had taken to glaring at Naruto, and his teamwork with Naruto- which had oddly enough began to improve- had suffered for it.

Another thing that had added an interesting dynamic to their team meetings, was Kakashi's new obsession with trying to outdo Naruto's lateness excuses. This dynamic had actually brought the team together- well, mostly Sakura, Naruto, and Kakashi, even Sasuke a bit until 'The Ruling'- to the point that Naruto could actually consider them friends, and surprisingly well before the Chuunin Exams. Kakashi had been annoyed by always losing out to Naruto at first, until he'd seen how well his students had taken to the side bars, and the positive effect it was having.

For the sake of his team, he'd stepped up his creativity, and even come up with a few good ones- and on occasion excuses that were actually believable. When Kakashi arrived, he was greeted by an amusedly exasperated Sakura saying.

"You're late again, sensei." Kakashi eyesmiled.

"Sorry I'm late, but I was forced to take a paternity test due to a mistaken identity." Kakashi said, causing Sakura to develop an eye twitch. Sure it was a good one, but highly inappropriate, and far too close to real life events for comfort. Looking up into the tree that he suspected Naruto was waiting in, he added. "Beat that, Naruto."

Unfotunately, Naruto did. As soon as he arrived, Sakura mock glared at him and asked. "So what's your excuse this time, Naruto?"

"Hey, this time it wasn't my fault." Naruto exclaimed. "Somehow, Anko-san found out about my second bloodline, and how many Kage Bunshin I can make, and wanted to testdrive my stamina. Jumped me right there on my apartment floor."

"And just where were Haku and Hinata while you were sleeping around?" Sasuke asked arrogantly, hoping to trip him up.

"Sitting on the couch asking questions, and taking notes." The blond replied easily.

Sasuke balked at the thought that another woman that he'd considered worthy of helping rebuild his clan was now interested in Naruto, 'What if that dobe is right? What if women really do prefer his stupid bloodline over the elite Sharingan? No, no, it's not possible. The Dobe may have brainwashed Haku with his penis, but Anko is too smart, too good a shinobi, and far too clever for that.'

888

As it would happen, a few days later, Sasuke's worst fears just so happened to be proven correct- to an extent, anyway. Word had gotten back to Anko about what Naruto had said- he could thank Kakashi's annoyance at having a sure winning excuse so easily trumped- and while definitely amused, she had to make it plain to him that certain things just wouldn't fly.

It of course started with their sensei arriving late, and with a fairly clever excuse as had become normal. Naruto however, had both easily trumped it, and to Sasuke and Sakura's confusion, traumatized their sensei. Arriving in a green onesy (that was thankfully not spandex), Naruto apologized for being late. His excuse,

"I tried to get there on time, honest, but I fell into the Spring of Youth (+).". Seeing the horror filled expression on his sensei's face, Naruto released the Henge, and vowed never to tease his sensei like that again.

Just as Kakashi was about to start them on their excercises for the day, Anko Shunshined in, and draped an arm over Naruto's shoulder, grinning maniacally.

"Hey cyclops, mind if I borrow the gaki for a second?" Once the others were far enough away, Anko draped herself over his back, and Naruto could feel her generous bust pressed into his back. "You've got some nerve, gaki."

"Why whatever did I do to upset you, Anko-san?" Naruto asked innocently.

"Let's just say that I've been hearing some stories about how I decided to test your stamina." Naruto winced. "Consider yourself very lucky that I caught Iruka's attention, or that little excuse of yours wouldn't have just been an excuse for long; especially since you had the audacity to insinuate and implicate us performing certain enjoyable exertions that I happen to be very fond of. Since I'm a well kept woman, you're off the hook, but that also means no more talking about me, or I might have to cut something off. I'd hate to disappoint those cute little closet pervs of yours because you had a big mouth, and I had to make sure 'Ruka-kun knew I was faithful to him. Comprende?"

"Perfectly." Naruto replied, feeling a kunai pressed against his crotch.

"By the way-" Anko said.

"Let me guess, if you and Iruka don't work out for some reason, you're going to drag me off, and ride me till the cows come home?" Naruto blushed when she squeezed him tighter, and her tongue swiped his middle whisker mark.

"Bingo." She replied, ruffling his hair, before a swirl of leaves announced her departure.

Naruto let loose a shudder, trying to will away the goosebumps popping up all over. Anko Mitarashi was seduction on two well shaped legs, attached to an amazing ass. That tongue thing was incredibly erotic, and much more effective without a cut on his cheek. He knew without a doubt that had the Special Jounin not been with Iruka, she'd have dragged him to Haku and requested of her and Hinata to join his 'harem'. And if he knew his girls, he was pretty sure the answer would be in the affirmative, and he knew that he would be in way over his head when they got to the intimacy stage of their relationship- which would have been very soon.

'Right, I'm going to have to find a way to talk Iruka into proposing.' Naruto thought.

While Naruto and Anko's discussion was nothing more than a coming to agreement of terms, to three others, it looked like so much more. After Kakashi had shrugged his acceptance, he'd led Sasuke and Sakura away to give Anko and Naruto some privacy. He'd tried to get the other two started, but they were just too distracted by what was happening to Naruto- and really, he couldn't blame them.

While no one heard the conversation, they could still see what was happening. What they did see was Anko draped across Naruto's back in an inappropriately lewd manner. They did see her hug him tightly. They did see her arms positioned in such a way that they could fairly easily guess where her hands were- though her hands, and the kunai in said hands went unnoticed. And finally, they did see her lick his cheek. That was all the evidence needed to add 2 and 2, and get 7.

For Sasuke, that was all the confirmation he needed that Naruto was in possession of something that he desperately needed for the sake of his clan's future. Damn it, he hated admitting that Naruto was right, and he hated even more having to ask the idiot for help. Still, Naruto had the tools, and they seemed to be working very well for him. Maybe it was time to let past annoyances lie, and seek his help.

Once the incredibly hot kunoichi- Iruka, you lucky bastard- had left, Naruto rejoined his team, and Kakashi got them started.

After about an hour, a frustrated Kakashi called an end to the days training. The three redfaced Genin were way too distracted to function properly, and the way Naruto and Sakura kept reacting to coming in contact with each other- especially considering that there was no romantic attraction between the two- plainly told him that Anko's presence and actions had deeply effected them, and they needed to cool off a bit before being around the opposite sex. Seriously, there were times Kakashi was awed by the woman's ability to effortlessly cause such reactions in people...now, however, was not one of those times.

888

Fifteen minutes later found Naruto taking full advantage of the unscheduled day off. With Haku still on shift at the hospital and Hinata with her team, Naruto was flying solo for the day. Normally he would have invited his team along to stave off the boredom, but since Sasuke was back to being a jackass, and having physiological reactions to Sakura that were reserved for Hinata and Haku had left him feeling extremely uncomfortable, he'd decided to eat alone.

He was on his fifth bowl of the sweet ambrosia, when his tranquil eating experience was interrupted by his teammate.

Sitting down with a huff, Sasuke spoke. "Naruto, I need to talk to you."

"Can it wait, I'm kind of busy at the moment." Naruto gave a groan of happiness as he savored another bite of delicious ramen.

Sasuke, not appreciating being ignored, grabbed the bowl and dumped it into a nearby trash. "There, now you're done, you can spare the time."

Glaring, Naruto decided to see what the uppity asshole wanted, so that he could eat his heavenly delight in peace. "Fine, what do you want, teme?"

Deciding not to antagonize Naruto- although given what he'd just done, that sentiment was kind of late- Sasuke cut right to the chase. "I want you to teach me how to do that transformation of yours; the real one, not the one they teach at the academy."

'Why should I?' Is what Naruto wanted to say, but decided being civil would get rid of Sasuke faster. "Why do you want or need to learn it? It's not like it'll do you much good against Itachi."

'So that I can grow my willy and steal Anko and Haku away from you, you idiot!' Is what Sasuke thought. What he said was, "So that I can be in a better position to rebuild my clan later."

"Sorry Sasuke, but I'm makng that a family technique." Naruto replied. "And I'm not about to let you pervert it for your own sick whims."

'Besides, if you wanted my help, your first mistake was tossing my ramen.' Naruto thought.

"Damn it Naruto, I need your huge cock." Sasuke yelled, causing several women, and a couple men, to stop, stare, picture what they thought was going on, and then projectile nosebleed.

"Sasuke, walk away before I get arrested for assault." Growled Naruto. Huffing in frustration at his failed attempt, Sasuke turned and walked away.

While Sasuke made sure that he left in a manner that would save face, and make sure he wouldn't look like a coward, he still walked away like he'd been told. He may still call Naruto Dobe, but that didn't mean he wasn't aware of the fact that Naruto was quite possibly his equal now in many areas, and slightly ahead of him in others.

Now that that avenue had closed, he was going to have to find another way to get Haku and Anko's attention on him instead of the Dobe. Sure there was Sharingan hypnosis, but resorting to that would only prove the Dobe his superior, and he would not ever allow that. Not even as a last resort. No, he was going to have them as his wives, true, but he was going to do it on his own merits.

Delusional, I know, but Sasuke still considered himself Naruto's superior man, and Anko's relationship with Iruka wasn't exactly common knowledge. She'd decided to keep things quiet as she was still getting used to the idea of being a girlfriend. While she thought there were too many rules, she couldn't deny the way it made her feel- and she'd never felt with a guy before. But I digress.

Back at the ramen stand, Naruto had explained the situation- after ordering a replacement bowl of ramen- and to say Ayame was shocked at Naruto's tirade was an understatement. For one, it was just a little over the top, and two, it didn't make much since.

"Wait, let me get this straight." Ayame said. "Godaime Hokage Tsunade-sama, Hiashi-san, Neji, Hinata, and Sakura find out that you've impregnated both Moegi, and Hinata's little sister Hanabi. They get pissed, and come to thrash you, only to interrupt both pregnant preteens being gangbanged by three of your Kage Bunshin each, while you're busy off to the side, impregnating another preteen girl from Hanabi's class that has a crush on you. And you'd rather face their combined wrath after all of that than forgive Sasuke?"

"Yup," Naruto said, nodding.

"Geez Naruto, that seems a bit harsh, don't you think?" Ayame asked. "I mean, I'm flattered that you liked it so much, but it was just ramen."

"First of all, nothing from Ichiraku is 'just ramen'." Naruto said passionately. "And second, it's the principle of the matter. His actions and attitude were completely uncalled for."

"If you say so." The teen said as she left him to go take another customer's order.

It was only after Naruto had left the stand vowing vengeance that she realized what was odd about Naruto's declaration.

'Wait a second, Hinata's little sister and that little girl who idolizes him are like, eight.' She thought. 'Where did he get pre-teen from? And last she'd checked, Old Man Sarutobi was still the Hokage.'

888

In another part of the village, Zabuza and Kakashi were having a bonding moment over Icha Icha. Well, they were bonding as much as to virtually anti-social perverts with porn obsessions could. As it was, both had found the same quiet section of the park ideal for a little Icha time, and by unspoken agreement, decided to share. Really, it wasn' like their present company was going to disturb their precious reading time. Unfortunately, there was still one person in the village who took pride in interrupting Kakashi's 'me time', and had made it his mission to make Kakashi more sociable.

"I've finally found you Kakashi." Gai said. "I challenge you, my eternal rival, to a game of dice."

"Huh, did you say something?" Both Zabuza and Kakashi said, looking up at the same time. They been distracted by the girl on page 92 who had Tsunade like proportions, a top that could barely hold it in, and cleavage that a child's head could fit into.

"GRAAAHH!" Gai screamed, pointing at the two. "It would seem my rival's hip attitude is spreading."

88888888

Little did Naruto know the repercussions of denying Sasuke access to something that the young Uchiha felt was so vitally important to the future of his clan. By the time training had commenced the next day, Sasuke was back to his old self. He'd spend a good portion of the training session extolling the virtues of his clan's powerful bloodline, and ridiculing his teammates for being losers and holding him back. Amazing how being denied the tools to steal another man's girlfriend had reversed all the work the Water Walking exercise had done in humbling Sasuke.

Late one evening a few weeks later, while spending time with one of his girlfriends- Hinata had a clan thing, so couldn't join them, and Naruto was very annoyed that it was happening more frequently since the announcement- and her father, Naruto found himself venting to his pseudo family.

"I swear that bastard is so asking for it." Naruto growled, before muttering to himself. "-over-inflated opinion of himself and that stupid bloodline."

To be perfectly honest, Zabuza agreed with Naruto. The Uchiha as a whole had been overly proud and arrogant. They were a bunch of traitors to boot, and their infamous history was riddled with the backstabbing of both allies and even their own members for power. Intel about the clan pegged them as somewhat lazy, and content to smugly rub the accomplishments of bygone ancestors in others faces. About the only thing he found even potentially useful about them were their eyes.

Still, if there was one thing that Zabuza knew, it was that one had to take teasing opportunities on Naruto when they came. They were far too rare to pass us as it was.

"Sounds like someone's jealous to me." Zabuza teased.

"Why should I be jealous of Sasuke?" Naruto asked. "I'm the one with the girlfriends and bloodline that he wants."

"That's true, but it's probably only because you got to them first." Zabuza taunted. "Maybe if he had a chance with them, he could change their minds."

Apparently the fear that Zabuza had had of Naruto and his mysterious power- Naruto had been quite amused when Haku had told him that story- had dwindled a bit after Naruto became Haku's boyfriend. It would seem as if it was time that he be reminded of just how Haku came to be his girlfriend. Running through two seals, Naruto projected his chakra outward towards the smirking Jounin.

"Oiroke no Jutsu!" Naruto exclaimed suddenly.

When the smoke cleared, where Zabuza was once sitting, was now a fairly beautiful woman with soft amber eyes. The wrappings around her mouth were partially pulled away, to reveal puffed, pouty lips, and a slender, feminine facial structure. Oddly enough, Zabuza's somewhat lean build had bulked up in places. While his upper body had changed little, just becoming less defined, and more femininely toned, and sprouting a pair of what looked to be small D-cups- both of which were capped by large, puffy points- his lower body had swelled.

Zabuza's hips had flared out dramatically, giving him/her a very nice hourglass shape. His/Her thighs had also plumped a bit, the toned muscles taking on a rather sinisterly sexy shape. While she couldn't tell if the former man had any junk in the trunk due to the fact that Zabuza was still sitting, Haku found herself very intrigued by the change, especially from this side of it.

One had to give Zabuza credit, though. Aside from a minute twitch of the left eye, and the tensing of his jaw from what was obviously clenched teeth, the change was taken in stride, and with great dignity. Taking a deep breath, Zabuza stood from the couch, and headed to his/her bedroom of the apartment he/she shared with Haku. With his/her back turned to them, Haku was able to confirm that her father?...mother?...did indeed have a nice bit of change to squeeze onto in back, though it was covered by her long, wavy hair. Haku's face then lit up with redness when she realized she'd been checking this feminine version of Zabuza out like she did Naruto.

"N-Naruto-sama?" Haku asked, conveying several questions all at once, and deciding to let Naruto pick the ones to answer on his own.

"Don't worry, it's not permanent." Naruto said. "At least this time it isn't. He should turn back in a couple days when the chakra I used finally burns out. Besides, even if Zabuza does make a hot chick, butch is so not my type."

"Can you turn him back?" Haku asked, relief obvious in her voice.

"I could, but after that comment, he can stew as a woman for a bit." Naruto said. "Instead of a father, you'll have a mother for a couple days. I almost hope he starts menstruating. Although I have to admit, he took it better than I thought he would."

Little did our couple know, that the moment he'd gotten the privacy jutsu up in his room, Zabuza cupped his boobs, rubbed between his legs for a second or two, then let out a Sakura-ish shriek of terror, before fainting dead away. When the swordswoman awoke a few hours later, she'd soon be found curled up in the fetal position in her bed, sobbing her eyes out. The prevailing thought...

'How could I have been so stupid as to provoke him?' More wailing would ensue, before. 'I can't believe I forgot that he could do that, even with Haku as proof sitting right there in front of me.'

888

Deciding to leave Zabuza to him/herself for the evening, Haku and Naruto decided to have a nice dinner out together. As their luck would have it, as soon as Naruto opened the door, he was met with the rather cute features of his other hime.

"Hinata-hime?" Naruto asked, causing the girl to squeak in startlement. "What are you doing here? Not that I'm not happy, but I thought you had something with your family tonight."

"N-Naruto-sama." She blushed. "Ano, Hanabi-chan wasn't feeling well, so father rescheduled."

"Oh, well that's great!" Naruto exclaimed, before backtracking. "Not that Hanabi got sick, but that you could join us. We were going to get something to eat, so you can join us."

"Naruto-sama, could we please go somewhere other than Ichiraku?" Haku asked. "As good as the food is, and as much as I like the company, I was hoping that we could dine elsewhere sometimes."

"Oh, okay." Naruto answered uneasily, just a tad fearful at what would likely happen, and wishing that he'd told them about the fox sooner. This really wasn't the way Naruto wanted to reveal to his girlfriends that the village despised him, and he certainly didn't want Haku to regret making Konoha her home with him.

To Naruto's immense shock, it wasn't difficult finding a place to eat that would accept his patronage. As it would happen, there were many restaurants in Konoha run by former shinobi, or relatives of them. For the hero who'd defeated the Terrible Tora, he was accepted any place that was shinobi owned, and found himself getting a rather nice discount as well. The small group, who hoped to be a family some day, finally decided on a small teriyaki stand. They greatly enjoyed themselves, and it wasn't until Hinata was about to order desert that things took a turn for the bad.

As Naruto, Haku, and Hinata sat chatting amicably, they were suddenly accosted by someone who Naruto recognized as one of the young men whose advances had been rebuffed by his girlfriend. Never one to take rejection well, the merchant noble's son had decided that if he couldn't have Haku, he wasn't going to let the demon have her either.

"How could you?" The man asked. "How could you marry him? How can you pick him over me?"

When one compared the two, and considered all of their good and bad points, it really was quite obvious why Haku had picked Naruto over him. Sadly, for a young man who was practically Sasuke without the bloodline, ninja abilities, and emo tendencies, his arrogance just wouldn't let him see the obvious. Even still, Hinata gave a small spiel extolling Naruto's virtues, and happily talking about the things she had always admired about him. Haku gave a slightly more perverted reply, revealing his special bloodline, and how much she and Hinata looked forward to its use on them in a few years when they were ready for such things.

Still unable to accept that a clanless orphan had been chosen over him- after all, he could accept the rejection by the Uchiha fangirls- he decided to strike Naruto below the belt.

"So I guess the little monster hasn't told you his secret, then." When the two girls looked at Naruto curiously, the jack ass pounced on the little nugget. "Oh, so he hasn't, eh. I'm not surprised, seeing that it's an S-class secret that we're forbidden from talking about. I'd be embarrassed if I was a monster in hiding as well."

Eyes downcast, Naruto payed for the meal, and requested Hinata's dessert to go. With both highly confused girls in tow, Naruto headed back to his apartment, and prepared to tell them about the Kyuubi.

About a half hour later, twin gobsmacked expressions told the story. Then all of a sudden. "You what?!" Hinata exclaimed.

Her breathing became heavy, and she began to hyperventilate. He couldn't have possibly said what she thought he just said. There was no way it could be this easy. Hinata's heart began pounding in her chest at the possibilities, and her pupils dilated to the point that they were almost visible. All too soon, she became overwhelmed by the thoughts and possibilities, and with rolling eyes, Hinata fainted.

Several minutes later, Hinata woke up, and bolted up upright into a sitting position staring off into space.

"N-Naruto-sama, I need to go," She said standing, before running out the door.

As she ran from Naruto's apartment, she never noticed the looks of sadness and disappointment from Naruto and Haku respectively.

Naruto's face held an especially sad expression, never having thought Hinata would have been like that, especially considering what had happened in his previous life fighting Pein. Then again, that fight was years from now, and maybe she just wasn't ready to deal with something like that so soon.

Haku's disappointment was palpable. For her to claim to love Naruto-sama, and then run away over something so trivial- okay, so maybe it wasn't trivial, but the sentiment still held- she was disgusted. And to think she had begun to like the girl, and had actually started looking forward to sharing Naruto-sama with her.

Any other thoughts they may have had on the subject were ended when Hinata darted back into the room, grasped Naruto's face, and kissed him full on the lips.

"I love you, Naruto-sama." She said. "But I really need to talk to my father."

With that, Hinata ran from Naruto's apartment again, headed to the Hyuuga compound as swiftly as her legs would carry her. Haku gave Naruto a bemused smile, before mimicking her sister girlfriend.

"I believe that settles that." She said, much happier that she'd been wrong about Hinata's reaction. "Unless you majorly make a mess of things, I believe that you're stuck with us, Naruto-sama."

888

As two thirds of the triumverate settled down for a post major secret reveal comfort snuggle, the third member was racing across the village to her family's home as fast as her legs would carry her. Without breaking stride, Hinata reached the walls of her family's compound, and darted up. Jumping down, and landing smoothly, she raced to the large manor that she slept in. She ran down the halls, taking turns at a run, and even running on the walls when her turns didn't quite hit right, all in her haste to reach her father's office.

Upon reaching the room that she knew her father was in, Hinata barged into the room, and began speaking.

"Father, I know that you said never to disturb you in your happy place, but I have important news."

"What kind of news, Hinata?" Hiashi asked, willing to give his daughter the chance to explain herself. Hinata knew not to disturb him when he was meditating unless it was an emergency.

"The kind that will validate my relationship with Naruto-s...I mean Naruto-kun." She said, catching herself at the last minute. She'd remembered the near heart attack that her father had almost had the last time she'd said Naruto-sama. It was only after she'd explained why she was calling him that, that he'd accepted her chosen form of address. She was still barred from repeating the phrase in his presence though.

"I see." He said, curiosity spiked. "When I next assemble the elders, you can explain it to us all."

"Hai, father." She said. That she'd delivered her request without a hint of stutter further spiked Hiashi's curiosity.

Hinata headed to her room, and changed her clothes for bed. Grabbing the stuffed Naruto doll she'd made when she was nine, Hinata sat on the bed and began envisioning how her life would be in the future with Naruto and Haku. She could see the three of them with a bunch of dark blue, black, and blond haired children running round. She could see herself- with a slightly swollen belly- snuggled up into her husbands lap- who was wearing the Hokage's robes- while their medic wife gave her a check up. She could see the exuberent smile on her face, just imagining how wonderful her life would be.

She stopped just short of imagining how her belly had gotten so swollen, and how the many children came to be. She didn't think she could handle imagining those things just yet. Sure, she'd used her Byakugan to peak at Naruto's chest and underwear. And she admitted that she liked what she'd seen when it turned out he was going commando that day. Still, she wasn't quite ready to start imagining doing things to it, or having that used on her.

888

A Thursday morning just over two months until the Chuunin Exams found Naruto setting up a small stand in the market district. The purpose, he'd finally finished the materials for his greatest prank yet. Sadly, this was also to be his last great prank on Sasuke, as he'd been forced to realize that antagonizing Sasuke was counter-productive to his aims of keeping the teme in Konoha- even if the bastard really deserved it. A little over an hour later, just as the market began to see the early morning traffic of early risers and Konoha shinobi who were used to being up early, Naruto was ready to begin. Seeing a young Genin looking at his stand with curiosity, Naruto motioned the boy over.

"What're you selling?" The boy asked.

"Do you have trouble getting girls' attention?" Naruto asked, opening his sales pitch. "Are you constantly ignored by pretty ladies who only have eyes for the dark, broody types? Are you sick of seeing every girl you're interested in turn into a screaming, brain dead fangirl every time Sasuke Uchiha grunts, broods, or gripes about how unfair his life is? Then have I got some great news for you."

888

Meanwhile, all over the village, the Sasuke fangirls felt their Sasuke Sense tingle. The tingling was telling them that someone was daring to mock and insult their dear, precious Sasuke-kun, and that person needed to be thrashed and slaughtered in the most brutal and disturbing way possible. This...heretic, who dared to speak blasphemy against the perfection that was Sasuke Uchiha deserved to receive a torture that would have its perpetrator executed for crimes against humanity. With Ino, the co-head of the We-Want-to-Have-Sasuke's-Babies fanclub at the helm, the horde of fangirls set out to find he who was begging for death.

Ironically enough, there was one fangirl who didn't bother joining the horde. This fangirl, one who was becoming slightly disillusioned with Sasuke's supposed greatness, had a very good reason for not answering the call to avenge Sasuke-kun; one that Sasuke actually didn't factor into. Having been on the same team with a certain Genin, and having been exposed to this particular feeling of Sasuke mockery and insultation (5), she knew who was responsible for it.

She also knew that there was absolutely nothing that could be done about it. Not only was Naruto capable of creating his own horde, he was capable of matching each member of their horde with one of his own. It was also a simple fact that there wasn't a single member of their club who could match up against one of Naruto's clones, even with Rightious Feminine Indignation on Behalf of Sasuke on their side...although when she thought about it, that was probably an extra notch in his favor.

Besides, even if they did somehow overwhelm him, he would just escape. He always escaped. And he always did it in a way that mocked and insulted your fangirldom even further. The sad part, was that much like herself the first month of being on his team, most of them would never even realize it; and for the ones that did, it would be far to late to save face. No, Sakura was going to ignore the call, and continue practicing her Waterfall Walking while waiting on her chronically tardy sensei and teammate to show.

888

"After some extensive research, I've found the formula that the broody bastard uses to entice Konoha's female population." Naruto exclaimed. "If you want to make young girls from Konoha swoon, you will need a few things. You need to be dark, mysterious, and broody. You also have to be girlishly handsome, be from a note-worthy clan, have hair that's shaped like a duck's ass, and treat them like crap. Now you may be asking yourself, Uzumaki-san, how can I possibly acquire all of those things? Well, look no further.

For a limited time, you too can get the girls' attention with your very own Sasuke Uchiha kit. Inside, you'll find your very own asshat wig, as well as grooming tips to enhance your handsome- or improve your lack thereof. Each kit also comes with a guide book on how to be emo and treat the few people who like you like scum. Specific chapters detailing the best dark, broody, and mysterious techniques I hear were written by Uchiha-san himself. Finally, each kit comes with your own personal clan, clan history, and tragic tale of clan extermination. So step right up, and purchase your Sasuke Uchiha kit, and you can me making the girls swoon in no time."

888

About an hour before he would have to leave to meet his team, Naruto found his stand visited by a familiar face.

"Hey Tenten, see anything that catches your eye?" He asked.

"Aside from a great prank, not yet." She said, smirking. "I have to admit, these bloodlines, clans, and histories are all very in depth; one might think these clans actually existed. Too bad these are fake, cuz a few of these would be really useful. Just curious, what are you planning on doing with the money you make from this."

"I'm donating it to the orphanage we grew up in." Naruto replied, watching her look through some of the supplementary bloodlines. "And yes, I do remember seeing you there, though I remember you got adopted really quickly after you arrived."

"Hmm, I think I'll get one, just to support the cause." She said. She remembered the slightly underfunded home for orphaned children. She'd been there for a few weeks after her grandmother- who had raised her after her parents, aunt, uncle, and grandpa were killed in the Kyuubi attack- had died.

"May I recommend a good one for you?" Naruto asked, to which she shrugged. "Haku considers you a friend, and I just wouldn't feel right letting you take that clan you were looking at."

"Why not?" She asked.

"Well, their extinction was similar to the Uchiha, only it was entirely accidental, and extremely embarrassing." Tenten raised a cute eyebrow. "Let's just say there was an allergy, and noxious gas was involved."

Naruto left the girl- who was currently rolling on the ground, clutching her sides, and laughing hysterically- and headed over to the doujutsu section, Naruto gave it a quick once over, before selecting the box he was looking for, and handing it to her.

Taking the box, Tenten looked at the family and bloodline Naruto thought she might find to her liking.

The Satoshi were a small clan that made its home near the Eastern borders of Fire Country. They were hailed as the greatest marksmen of the age, and were frequently sought by potential allies, but most often enemies. The clan was allied with the Uzumaki Clan early on during the warring clans era, and were soon blanketed by the protection of the fuinjutsu masters. The problem, however, was that due to the Uzumaki clan's station in Whirlpool country, they were still susceptable to attacks by stronger clans, in particular a bloodthirsty clan of cultists from the Hot Springs Country.

Unable to provide the constant protection the Satoshi needed, the Uzumaki Clan called upon another clan with whom they were allied with: the Senju of the Forests. Before long, the Satoshi clan were allied with the Senju, and were frequently found alongside them in battle. The Satoshi would be the first clan to join the Senju coalition that approached the Uchiha to join and form Konoha. By the time the village was founded, the Satoshi and Senju would be joined by the Inuzuka, the Hyuuga, and finally the Uchiha.

Even as one of the founding clans of Konoha, they were still considered a minor clan due to their small size, and their status as being protected by the Senju. The clan, however, was still one of great prestige, highly prized by the Shodai and Nidaime Hokages for their loyalty and being such a great asset in battle. Unfortunately, the numerous Great Wars and their love and devotion for their village was highly detrimental to the clan and its numbers, never allowing them to surpass more than a couple dozen.

The clan met a tragic end when the Kyuubi was unleashed upon the village by Madara Uchiha during his second attempt to destroy Konoha, and the legacy of the Senju. Nearly the entire clan was wiped out in a single night trying to help defend their village from the rampaging fox. The Clanhead's mother was left behind with the young heiress of the clan, while he and the others went off to battle. Sadly, none of them would return. The young heiress was raised by her grandmother for five years, until she too passed on suddenly. And just like the poor vessel of the Kyuubi, she would be orphaned, never knowing of the great legacy she'd been left.

Tenten couldn't help the look of shock on her face. This clan's history was rather interesting, and the story of the heiress was entirely too familiar. As a matter of fact, if she didn't know that this was a fake clan, she would swear that she was the heiress written about on the box, and that she had a legacy she was unaware of. Shaking her head of those thoughts, she continued reading, curious what kind of bloodline they held.

The thing that made the Satoshi clan such great marksmen/women, was their doujutsu: an ability many enemies called the Bulls Eye. When activated, the eyes of the Satoshi take on an image resembling a target, but only from level two on. This is a bloodline that could be an incredible weapon, but keep in mind, that regardless of how powerful this bloodline is, it's not all powerful. A ninja that can sense the projectiles coming can block them (i.e. some High level Chuunin, most Jounin, Kage, S-ranks), although it does give one a greater chance of success the greater their own level of ability.

The levels of the bloodline are as follows:

Level one- Perfect Local Aim. If you can see it, and it's stationary, you can hit it anywhere you choose.

Tenten grinned. This was pretty much her current ability with damn near anything throwable to always hit dead center unless impeded- and she was greatful for Haku's help now that she could finally add senbon to the lest. So according to this, she'd already unlocked the first level of her bloodline. Sweet.

Level two- Zoom Feature. Like the Byakugan, the eyes can zoom in and then lock onto and hit a target from half a mile away without interference (meaning trees, etc. aren't in the way of sight). Said target can be hit with perfect accuracy so long as you can throw the projectile that far.

Tenten's eyes widened with that. That was a dead useful ability, and she found herself wishing even more that this bloodline was real, and that she had it. As a matter of fact, it seemed like the more she read, the more she wished she had it.

Level three- Perfect Local Trajectory. A Sharingan like ability is added at level three. It gains the ability to near instantly analyze the surrounding area, and calculate the perfect angles and trajectory needed to hit a target, as well as calculate needed trajectories to ricochet projectiles to hit a hidden target. If it is in an area nearby, you can hit it if you know where they are. Unfortunately, until the you have mastered the bloodline, this cannot be used in conjunction with the zoom feature.

Mastery- Mastery of this bloodline gives the user all of the abilityes of level three, combined with the added zoom from level two. If it is within your field of vision (including zoom), you can hit it if you know where it is, hidden or not.

By the time she finished reading the details of the bloodline, she would find herself amazed and annoyed. Amazed at such an amazing bloodline that seemed to be tailor made for her. Annoyed at the fact that said bloodline didn't exist.

As he watched her read the box in near shock, Naruto felt a little nudge in the back of his mind. 'What's up, NB?'

"Just so you know, I plan on giving her that bloodline." He said. "When I created that bloodline, I'll admit that I had her in mind. Besides, since you modeled the clan's extermination after her early life, I think it's kind of fitting that she belong to it."

'Well, I can't say that I'm not happy for her.' Naruto thought. 'And I can admit that I was wishing I'd used my change for her to have this bloodline.' He was broken from his thoughts when Tenten got his attention.

"I'll take it." She said, handing him the money for the clan. "And I see why you said this would be the perfect clan for me. Plus it's even cooler, because this clan symbol is extra kickass."

"I'll admit, that particular bloodline was created with your exceptional aim in mind." Naruto said. "Plus, it would be so awesome if that bloodline was real, and you were that heiress."

Almost as soon as Tenten walked away, Naruto felt a disturbance in the force. 'Uh oh, the Sasuke fangirl horde is coming.'

"NARUTO!" Ino yelled, upon seeing the stand, and who was responsible for the blasphemy against Sasuke-kun.

"Ah, Ino, and I see you brought your horde." Naruto teased, as they stalked closer to him.

Suddenly, the ringleader cried out. "Throttle the Dobe, and tear this abomination to the ground!"

The horde of Sasuke fangirls gave a loud cheer, and as one prepared to launch themselves bodily into their endeavor. That launch was halted when Naruto pulled a tag from his pocket, and channeled chakra into it. This prompted all of the girls who'd attended the shinobi academy to both freeze, and grab ahold of the closest two girls to them to stall their movement as well.

"Now Naruto, don't do anything crazy." Ino said. "You know what will happen if you set that off in the middle of the market."

A sinister grin on his face, Naruto slapped the tag face down onto the stand, causing the girls to all scream and duck for cover. Unfortunately for the soon to be embarrassed girls, the only thing that happened was that the stand disappeared. Seeing that it was a false alarm, and that they'd been had, Ino's face turned red in embarrassment and rage.

"Naruto, you are so going to get it." Ino growled as the horde prepared to attack.

"Actually, I'm not." Naruto said, his hands in the seal for Shunshin. "See ya."

And then he was gone...sort of. Instead of leaving the area altogether, Naruto transported himself to the top of a nearby building to watch the fangirl battle royale that was about to take place. Now you may find yourself asking why there was about to be a Sasuke fangirl battle royale. Well, that would be because of what Naruto left behind when he Shunshined away. Sprinkling down on the horde of about fifty were about a dozen and a half Sasuke plushies. Naruto spent an enjoyable twenty minutes watching as the girls fought and scraped to snag one of the plushies. Naruto had to admit he was impressed with that tiny waif of a civilian who'd decked both Ami and Ino to get her hands on one.

As much as he wanted to see how the 'Battle for the Sasuke Plushies' would end, Naruto eventually had to go. After standing and brushing himself off, Naruto made the familiar seal, and disappeared.

888

Seven minutes later, Naruto joined his team in a hail of popcorn kernals. And as had become custom, Sakura just had to ask.

"So what's your excuse this time?" Funny how she'd long since stopped reminding he and Kakashi that they were late.

"I got distracted by the fangirl Battle Royale in the market district." Sakura rolled her eyes. Having sensed the horde formation earlier, she was fairly certain he wasn't lying, and she was also fairly certain that he was the cause of it. Handing Sakura a Sasuke plushie, he added. "They were fighting over these, and I managed to grab one for you, Sakura."

Before anyone could comment any further, a very amused Haku arrived. "I'm not late, am I?" It was plainly obvious that she was trying to supress an extreme amount of mirth.

"No, you're not, but I'm not sure why you're here." Kakashi admitted.

"Oh, Naruto-sama asked me if I'd teach him one handed sealing." Haku said. "Since I had the day off, and Naruto-sama said that you don't really do much aside from individual excercises on Thursdays, I figured I'd join you for training to teach him, rather than waiting until afterward."

And so, the training began. Sasuke had been incredibly put out when Haku had insisted that her skill was one she'd decided to keep in the family. He'd taken to sulking, and trying to sneak and steal Naruto's lesson with his Sharingan, but when Naruto had threatened to seal it off permanently, he'd left them alone- although that whole glaring at them for a half hour thing was kind of creepy.

Both to Naruto's delight and horror, one handed sealing was both incredibly simple, yet indescribably hard. Learning the seals had been no problem at all, and he'd picked them up rather quickly. The hard part came with incorporating them, and actually using them. She started him out with trying to perform them quickly, in random orders, without messing up, but even that was coming with a bit more difficulty. Still, he was determined, and just before they paused for lunch, Naruto was able to perform them flawlessly...albeit, incredibly slowly.

After lunch, Naruto created a hundred Kage Bunshin, and set them to working on the one handed seals. They would soon join the daily cabre of clones Naruto already had working on the Uzumaki family style, and Frog Kata. The latter trying to get used to using regular chakra to strengthen his blows for the time being rather than risk attempting Sage Mode without Fukasaku and his beat a bitch stick. This would bring his total up to five hundred, the other two hundred were working on mastering the nonRasengan jutsu he'd been forced to relearn, as well as a special fuinjutsu project he'd been tinkering with in his last life before his untimely demise.

The telltale spike of chakra that announced a Shunshin arriving- a trick that Kakashi had taught his team- captured the full attention of Team 7 plus Haku as the group was about to head to the mission office. There wasn't any real reason for Haku to join them, though, as it wasn't like she could really help with the mission because of some bullshit rule that most shinobi thought was bogus. I mean really, if someone was bored enough that they'd offer their help for zero compensation, why shouldn't they be allowed to help, right?

Anyway, back to the main point, the signs of an arriving Shunshin gathering the quintets attention. When the individual arrived, however, well, let's just say none of them were expecting what they saw. Zabuza, still in the forced Oiroke had just arrived, but it was what he was wearing- or rather what he wasn't- that got their full attention. Standing before them, stood Zabuza Momochi- provocative pose and all- in nothing more than what amounted to kunoichi bra and panties (6). But that wasn't all.

Smokey, bedroom eyes stared back at them from enchanting amber irises, beneath long, full lashes. Zabuza's customary face wrappings were loosened enough to allow full, pouty lips- parted slightly as if moaning- to show beneath. The bindings around her chest- which most kunoichi used for support in place of bras, were just barely enough to cover a one inch expanse around her nipples. This left a sizable amount of upper and lower breast cleavage, on her D-cups. Below her waist, she was clad only in a pair of panties that looked to be little more than wrappings themselves.

To finish off the image, she was bent at the waist to give Naruto a full, clear view of her top boob cleavage, with her left hand perched on her left cheek giving it a squeeze. And if that wasn't enough the rather beautiful woman just had to take it one step further.

"Hello, Naruto-sama." Zabuza crooned, blowing him a kiss. Unfortunately for Zabuza's attempt at a prank, all it really elicited from the blond was a disturbed twitch of the eye. In fact, all it served to do was seriously tempt Naruto into make it permanent, and let the bastard live his life as a hot woman getting hit on by countless perverts.

The reactions from the others, though, were a bit more amusing.

"What the FUCK!" Sasuke exclaimed, his eyes wide, and mouth hanging open in shock, looking at the disturbingly hot man/woman.

He'd known that jutsu could make Naruto turn into a hot woman, but he'd never known it could do that to another person. He'd always thought that jutsu was specific to gender and inanimate objects with the exception of Naruto, since the Dobe wasn't normal to begin with. This, however, this significantly changed things. Naruto could actually turn other men into hot women as well, and that was a dangerous power. Maybe even one he could use against Itachi.

Kakashi's single visible eye was wide with shock, and some awe. Now, while he'd managed to avoid a rather embarrassing projectile nosebleed- which was especially good for his psyche since he knew that Zabuza was a man- it didn't stop him from reacting to seeing an extremely sexy woman in shinobi lingerie. Unfortunately, he did suffer a very severe nosebleed through his mask that left it stained.

"Okaasan, why that pose?" The other genderbended person in attendance asked, finally finding her voice. Haku was horrified at what she was seeing, but not for the reason one would think.

You see, Haku was suddenly suffering from what I call 'Child of MILF' Syndrome. This was a state of extreme embarrassment, that bordered on traumatized horror, when the son or daughter of an omega MILF, experienced when said parent's hotness was showed of in a blatant, and sometimes almost explicit, way to their peers- and in the worse case scenarios for daughters, their significant others. In a related note, Naruto would be banned from ever using this jutsu in this way on members of her or Hinata's families. They would eventually allow a one time exception for Neji for curiosities sake, but after that, never again.

While Sakura's face was a very deep red, and there was a tad bit of blood dripping from her nose- the implications of her reaction to the sexy woman would later have her sobbing in her bed with a tub of ice-cream as she tried to come to grips with these questionable feelings- Sakura took the events almost as well as Naruto did. Turning to her blond teammate, she drolled.

"This is your fault somehow, I just know it."

"Naruto, what happened here?" Kakashi asked, finally recovering. "I'm pretty sure that Zabuza was a man the last time I checked."

'So was I when I first met him,' Haku thought. '-but that didn't stop him from making me a woman, and dragging me into his harem. Can't exactly say I'm too broken up about that, although I'm really hoping he doesn't make a habit of this.'

In an interesting twist, it just so happened that Naruto was facing Sasuke when he replied. "He annoyed me, so I temporarily turned him into a woman. This is what happens to people who annoy me. The next time he pisses me of, it'll be permanant."

It was at this point in his life, that Sasuke had an epiphany, and finally saw the bigger picture. Maybe taunting Naruto, and carrying on like he had really was a bad idea. If he ended up getting on the wrong side of his teammate, there was a good chance that he'd never be able to acheive his ambitions. Sure, he'd be able to kill Itachi and rebuild his clan regardless of the results of earning Naruto's ire; but not only would the former be more difficult, the fact was he was straight. If Naruto turned him into a woman, the Uchiha clan would likely die, because Sasuke didn't think he had it in him to screw a dude, get pregnant, or give birth.

888

While this was happeneing, Hinata- who had been excused from team stuff that day due to clan obligations- was being visited by her father.

"Go to the meeting room, and wait for me. It is time for me to assemble the elders, and for you to explain to us all why you feel your relationship with Naruto has been validated."

"Hai, father." She said.

Ten minutes later found Hinata kneeling on a cushion, facing her father and the Hyuuga Clan Elders. Fixing her with an expectant look, Hiashi spoke.

"Before we begin with our normal business, Hinata has asked a moment to speak to us assembled leaders, because she has become aware of some new information." He said. "Information that she claims will validate her relationship to Naruto in the eyes of the clan. Speak."

"It is really quite simple, father, honored elders." Hinata replied, shocking the old bitties with her lack of stutter. "Our clan claims to be the epitome of traditional."

"That is no mere claim, child." A man with more wrinkles than skin said from near the end of the long table.

"My apologies." She replied. "As a traditional clan, we tend to follow the traditional relations between men and women, one of the reasons why neither Hanabi or myself have ever been considered proper heirs to the title of Clan Head."

"Get to the point, please, Hinata." A stern looking woman interrupted with an uncharacteristic smile. "We don't have as long on this earth as you still do."

Never let it be said that the Hyuuga didn't have a sense of humor, dry as it may be to most others.

"Yes ma'am, I shall." Hinata agreed. "My validation comes by way of the ancient art of Shibari." Hinata withheld a smile at the nervous looks forming on the elders' faces. "

An art that is the epitome of tradition, one that could be argued is even more traditional than the Hyuuga. Traditional as we are, we as a clan used to frequently practice this art until great-grandfather's scandal."

"And what does this have to do with your...relationship...with Uzumaki?" Another old geezer asked, not wanting to relive that rather embarrassing time.

"Who is Naruto-kun?" She asked.

"He is-" Hinata coughed.

"Forgive me for the misunderstanding. What is Naruto-kun?" She pressed. "And as for the law, I already know the secret."

"He's is the jinchuuriki for the Kyuubi. What has that to-" Hiashi's eyes widened. "Oh...! Oh my...!" He muttered.

"I see you understand, father." Hinata said. "For those that haven't figured it out, Naruto-sama is the Kyuubi's vessel, meaning that he has the Kyuubi sealed into him. Bound within him."

It was at this point that many of the elders' eyes widened in realization as well. Hinata's eyes narrowed as the lone kunoichi in the group gave a loud sniffle. The reason for the narrowed eyes, the young woman had noticed the small drop of red liquid that had nearly escaped the woman's nose, before being pulled back in. Deciding to ignore that for now- though she would be keeping an eye on the old maid- Hinata prepared to give her closing argument.

"Naruto-sama has the single most powerful entity in the world bound helplessly within his body. Bound partially by his seal, but mostly by his will. He is the ultimate embodiment of the shibari tradition. The heroic sacrifice, bound by duty, bound by Yondaime-sama, and holding the 'great evil' at bay despite the odds. Naruto-sama has had my love for three years, and just by the very nature of his curse, has more than earned the right to my hand (7)." Hinata finished, passionately.

"Very well, Hinata." Hiashi said. "You have my full blessing."

All but one of the elders followed suit, giving her their blessings and well wishes. That particular elder, whose mother had been involved in the Hyuuga Shibari scandal, vehemently denied her the blessing. He, of course, was ignored, and ended up sleeping on the very uncomfortable couch for weeks when his wife heard the news. An hour later, after the meeting, Hiashi found Hinata in the garden and addressed his eldest.

"Hinata, I know that I don't say this nearly enough, but I am proud of you." He of course got a great deal of amusement from Hinata fainting at that news.

Still, he understood the action. He'd been very harsh with both his daughters, never showing them even half the affection he should have- whether he felt it or not. It had been Hizashi that had convinced him to soften his heart towards at the very least his children- though he did admit that he was long past the point where he should have hardened his own for Neji, and disciplined him- and his younger brother had proved correct. It would seem he'd need to start listening to his brother more often, at least in the area of raising his children.

88888888

Over the next month, things really started looking good for Naruto. He didn't know what Hinata had said to her father- or the elders for that matter- but they were now actively supporting, and even encouraging their relationship. Not only that, but he was even being allowed to visit Hinata at the compound on occassion. He and Haku had been very thankful for that when Hinata had caught a small bug, and couldn't leave her room.

As a result, the three had been spending a lot more of their free time together, both training and doing couple stuff for three. They'd gotten close enough now that they were openly sharing kisses on the cheek, and even chaste kisses on the lips in private. They were still taking things slowly, but they were now fairly certain that this love triangle of theirs would work. They'd even made an almost miraculous breakthrough with Hinata. While she still lit up like a red beacon, she no longer fainted when Naruto showed or expressed affection for her- physically or verbally. Naruto had to admit it was kind of ironic that she could kiss him with no problem, but she'd fainted whenever Naruto initiated that contact.

Still, there were some unfinished dealings involving his family that he needed to settle. He knew for certain that they'd make things easier when confronting Jiraiya, and he wouldn't have to go through that whole Oiroke thing.

"Jiji, we need to talk." Naruto said, bursting into the Hokage's office one day. "And unless you want your Anbu to know about the other S-rank secret that involves me, you might want to tell them to take a hike."

Hiruzen Sarutobi stared at the boy for several long moments. Had he actually figured out who his parents were? If Naruto had, and he denied it, what would it do to their relationsip. He would have to play this very carefully. But first, Naruto was correct in that this wasn't a secret he could afford to have overheard by anyone else. With but a gesture, the four ninja hidden in the room vacated. One each to outside of the two windows, and the other two to guard the door- from the outside of course.

Once they were gone, Sarutobi stood, and headed over to the wall where the past Hokages' portraits hang. Lifting the one that held his sensei's picture, he channeled chakra into his other hand, and pressed it against the invisible seal beneath it. From that single seal, others began spreading along the wall until the entire thing was covered in glowing seals. After a few moments, the seals went dark, but did nothing further.

"There, not what was it that you wished to speak about?" Sarutobi asked. "And if it's what I think it is, am I going to need my special tobacco?"

"In answer to your second question, it depends on how much of the truth you're willing to divulge." Naruto said. "And this is about my parents. To be perfectly frank, is the Yondaime my father?"

Sarutobi sighed loudly. It was indeed what he feared, and he was definitely going to need his special tobacco. "Now, before I answer your question, may I ask where you heard that?"

"Well, it just so happens that when a certain kitsune gets plastered, he gets really chatty." Naruto said. "Started reminiscing about when my mother was his vessel, and how much he preferred her; even if she was spending far more time than was natural getting boinked by Minato Namikaze after they got married."

Whatever the Hokage had been expecting, that wasn't it. Deciding to ignore the fact that Naruto was communicating with the Kyuubi, as well as the whole Kushina boinking Minato part- since Naruto was the obvious evidence that she'd done so- he asked the pertinent question in that stream of consciousness that had exited Naruto's mouth.

"Naruto, just how did the fox get plastered?" Naruto had the good grace to blush in embarrassment.

"You remember all of that alcohol that was drinking when I first came back?" Sarutobi nodded. "While it was to help suppress a very bad memory, it wasn't the memory Kakashi-sensei thought is was, nor was it to help me suppress the memory. And no, jiji, I'm not going to talk about it."

"Fair enough." He said. After all, he had memories that he'd rather not remember as well. Such as the one time he'd stumbled upon Jiraiya and Minato tied to chairs while Koharu gave Kushina a rather in depth lesson in pleasuring ones partner orally. "Continue."

"Right, so I snuck into the records office to do some research on Kushina Uzumaki afterwards, you know, since Minato's would have been classified to all hell." Sarutobi smiled, knowing it was the truth. "Well, I found proof that the fox wasn't lying, for once."

Sarutobi was shocked at what Naruto had just said, as he was sure those records had either been destroyed, or buried in so much red tape that you had to be both Naruto and the Hokage to see them. Those files had only been kept so that Naruto could someday learn the truth of his heritage, but if security was this lax, then maybe it would be best to tell him the truth, and have everything Naruto didn't want to keep destroyed. Preparing for a very long discussion, Sarutobi spoke.

"In answer to your initial question," He started. "Yes, Minato Namikaze, the Yondaime Hokage, is your father."

"Cool," Naruto said, eyes squinted from the size of his smile. "Although, it makes me wonder how people haven't figured it out. Considering how much we look alike, and all."

"Honestly, I think people just don't want to see it." Sarutobi said. "Now, since you know this secret, there are other things that we need to discuss as well. The first of which is the reason for the secrecy."

Naruto was there until well after dark, as the two talked.

888

It was also during this month- a few days after his talk with the Hokage, in fact- that Kakashi discovered one of the special projects Naruto had been working on. As it was, he found the blond in a training ground talking to a shinobi who he didn't recognize. Deciding that this was a much more important question than what they were working on, Kakashi began his inquisition.

"Whose your friend, Naruto?" Kakashi asked, making his way towards his student and the nondescript Chuunin.

"Oh, this is Dudeguy McGuy." Naruto said. "He came highly recommended for the project I'm working on."

"And what is this project?" Kakashi asked, fearfully. That incident with Kouga-san had given him a healthy dose of fear in regards to his student's plotting of special projects.

"Well, you know how Itachi does that cool turning into ravens thing when he Shunshins away?" Naruto asked. "Dudeguy is helping me reverse engineer the jutsu so that I can turn into something cooler."

"So far though, all we've managed is pigeons." The man spoke. Kakashi blinked in surprise. Whoever this guy was, he sounded like that All State guy with the deep voice (8).

"Luckily they disappear after thirty seconds, or we'd be in a whole lot of trouble." Naruto added.

"I...you...never mind." Kakashi finally said. "Just make sure you're at the Hokage Tower by nine for a mission tomorrow. And I do mean nine."

888

A few days later, in the dead of night- after casing the place as thoroughly as he possibly could- Naruto snuck into the Anbu Headquarters, and raided the storage area. Not wanting to risk short-changing the villages elite when they might need it the most, Naruto hit up the section where the old anbu gear and weapons are discarded to be taken for repairs or melted down if they couldn't be fixed.

Naruto had found that getting weapons repaired was a lot cheaper than getting them new, and the specially crafted Anbu weapons were always in much better shape than the crap he'd found in the training grounds when he was young and poor. Interestingly enough, he'd learned from Jiraiya that most orphans got their equipment from training grounds, getting things repaired instead of buying new. Things like that would have been nice to know his first time around.

Once he'd gotten back after training with the Sage, and upon learning that he could do so without getting caught, Naruto had started raiding the old warehouse for supplies, and smuggling the damaged weapons. Funny enough, the one time that he'd been caught- by Anko of all people- his captor had ended up not only letting him keep his wares, but had also started doing the same. She'd even float him a few things she thought he might find interesting once a week.

Tonight, he was on the hunt for some kunai. But he wasn't looking for normal kunai, though. No he was looking for special kunai, for a certain specific kind of kunai. What he was searching for, were kunai that could be embued with elemental chakra. Not to be confused with kunai that could channel chakra, no these were extra special. Chakra channeling weapons, like Sasuke's Kusanagi could channel chakra, making their strikes more deadly in one form or another. The main flaw though, was that once they left your hand, the chakra flow stopped.

What he wanted was kunai like what Asuma's knives were made from. These would hold the chakra channeled into them- no matter what- until the chakra ran its course through them. Not only that, but with these types you weren't limited in the type of chakra you could use. The other kind could only channel normal or elemental chakra. Asuma's knives could channel both of those, as well as alternative chakra's like the kind the Nara used, and even Biju chakra with a few reinforcement seals.

As he was passing a stack of chest plates for the Anbu armor, Naruto paused in his search. Now that he thought about it, maybe taking some of that armor was a good idea too. It would certainly be useful for his fight against Neji, and getting it early would allow plenty of time to get it repaired, and to add some fun additions to it. Sealing a couple, he returned to his search. Eventually he found what he was looking for, but only after finding something for both his girls, and even his teammate Sakura.

His shopping list complete, Naruto stole away into the night, and headed back to his apartment.

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One afternoon after their team meeting had broken up found Sakura staring and frowning at the back of her blond haired teammate. Somewhere along the line, Naruto had become a part of her life that she'd grown to reluctantly enjoy, and being his friend had become an important title to her. Recent events though, had started her to thinking that she was going to lose that title...if she hadn't already.

Ever since the Hokage had declared that Naruto could legally marry Hinata and Haku, he'd been leaving just as quickly some days as the other two. If it weren't for the fact that he talked with her and was friendly during team meetings, she would have suspected that he disliked her. Sakura knew she needed to talk with Naruto, but what about she didn't know.

"Hey, Naruto?" She called, getting his attention. "Would you like to hang out for a bit?"

Shocked, Naruto took a few moments to answer. When he did, he gave an embarrassed chuckle, while sheepishly scratching the back of his head.

"Ne, sorry Sakura-chan, but I can't. I'm supposed to be meeting Hinata and Haku. We're going to do some light training, and then just spend some time together. We haven't really had a chance to this week."

Sakura began to growl a little at being rejected, but stopped when she realized what she was doing. She didn't begrudge Naruto spending time with his girlfriends. How could she? Heck, if it wasn't for the fact that she didn't really have anyone to talk to, or hang out with, she wouldn't even be so bothered by it. No, the biggest problem was that she was forced to deal with a condition she hadn't experienced since early in the Academy.

She was lonely. Her only other real friend was Ino, who she didn't talk to as much anymore because of their rivalry.

And the worse part of it all, without her obsession with Sasuke to block everything else out, she was really starting to feel his absenses more. It was kind of ironic in a way. Sixth months ago, she would have cherished this opportunity to be devoid of the blond. Now, she liked when they were together doing team stuff, and dare she say it, she kind of missed the attention he used to give her. He was a friend that Sakura knew she could count on, and she did like Naruto, platonically at least.

Still, she was looking at another day of bored loneliness, and that was something that she really didn't enjoy.

'Maybe if I ask, Naruto'll let me hang out with them.' Sakura thought.

"Hey Naruto, you think that maybe I could join you guys? You keep telling me that I need to put more effort in to training, right?"

"Well, I guess Hinata and Haku wouldn't mind you joining for that." Naruto admitted. "But it might get really awkward if you stuck around for the stuff after the training."

Two hours later, Sakura could be found heading home with a smile. Haku and Hinata had both extended invitations to join them in training, and the elder kunoichi had even told her that she had potential. Her natural control would really be a great asset for several different specialized shinobi branches if she bulked her reserves up a bit. She was however fearful of the sadistic grin that Naruto had given her when he said he knew a few...'fun' exercises that would definitely help her with that.

888

"Are you sure we're ready to enter the Chuunin Exams, Kakashi-sensei?" Naruto asked.

While he'd been preparing for this for months, and almost looking forward to this day, it was still something that he was apprehensive about. So many things hinged on the outcome of these exams, they were also the jump off catalysts for many of the things that would happen later. Naruto did find himself a little shocked that they were having this meeting three days before the exams, instead of the day before.

"I believe that you're ready for this." Kakashi said. 'And if you're not, we'll have an accurate gauge of where the three of you really are.'

"Then it's Sakura's decision." Naruto said firmly.

"What?! Why?" Sasuke predictably exclaimed.

'Because the team is only as strong as its weakest member, and our teamwork still sucks enough that individual performances could make or break us.' Naruto thought.

"Because both of us are stubborn enough to do it even if we aren't ready. Sakura's the most level headed of us- most of the time, anyway- so she'd be a better gauge of if we are. Oh, and Sasuke, no pressuring her to feed your ego."

"Naruto-" He started with a growl.

"Just listen for once, teme." Naruto replied. "If she thinks we should wait, then we wait. We then spend the next sixth months working our asses off. We'll definitely be ready by then, and the extra training will make the exams that much less difficult."

"Fine, but I know I'm ready." Sasuke said.

When Kakashi left fifteen minutes later to report his nominations to the Hokage, after giving them some basic instructions for the exam, Naruto was left with his female teammate when Sasuke left without even a word. Sure, he'd stopped antagonizing Naruto- much to the blond's shock, which meant that he'd had to stop as well- but he wasn't any more friendly towards them.

"Well, looks like its just you and I today, Sakura-chan." Sakura wouldn't admit it, but she was quite happy that Naruto was using the affectionate suffix again. "Hinata's got team stuff, and Haku's going to be working...late."

It was at that moment that Naruto spotted something that really was a sad sight. Turning, Sakura found what Naruto was looking at, and rolled her eyes.

"You're kidding me, right." She deadpanned quietly. "What is that?"

"Three rugrats that I accidentally adopted as minions." Naruto replied, before addressing the oddly shaped object. "Really guys, a square rock? It's like you're not even trying."

A few moments later, after a most dazzling display and introduction, Naruto rubbed his chin in thought.

"Hmm, I'll give you a six." He answered to the expectant looking chibis.

"A six, that was an eight easy." Konohamaru complained.

"True, but I had to take points off for the 'square rock." Naruto replied.

"I told you rocks weren't square, Ko-kun." Moegi said, crossing her arms, and pouting.

Sakura could only watch the spectacle in sheer shock. She'd thought she'd known her teammate, but again, another layer of the oddball was revealed. It was about this time that one of the trio of pre-schoolers finally noticed her off to the side.

"Hey, niisan, whose that?" Moegi asked, bringing her to Konohamaru's attention, whose eyes widened.

"Hey boss, is she your girlfriend too." He asked excitedly. Naruto couldn't understand why the three kids were so obsessed with his lovelife. Konohamaru thought he was the greatest thing ever, Moegi had mooned over how romantic it was- which had raised some questions about her that Naruto decided he didn't want answers to- and Udon...well, Udon hadn't said anything, but the kid was odder than Lee and Gai.

"No," Naruto replied. "My only girlfriends are Hinata and Haku. Sakura likes Sasuke."

The three kids looked confused for a moment before Konohamaru blurted. "The guy with the duck butt hair? Isn't he gay?" Naruto was certainly surprised when Sakura didn't react, and only seemed to sigh in frustration.

Yes, she'd heard all about Sasuke's exclamation of wanting Naruto's huge cock. While she'd been willing to give him the benefit of doubt, it had gone a long way in ruining her image of him. Not to mention, given the number of witnesses, only the most rabid of fangirls were dumb enough to defend him. These girls still clamoring to be with him had little to no self-respect, and no one else in the village respected them either. As it was, her original desire to be Mrs. Uchiha had been reduced to a mere crush on a cute boy.

"Anyway, you promised to play ninja with us, oyabun." Kon-chan said. "We've been waiting all week."

"Fine, fine, we'll play." Naruto said. "Sorry Sakura, but I did promise them. You can join us if you want, but I'm not sure how much you'll get out of it."

Surprisingly, the pinkette did enjoy herself...at least until the accident.

An hour later, and Naruto wasn't exactly sure how they'd gone from playing ninja to running from that Yakitori vendor- okay so he knew exactly how it happened, he was just going to ignore the circumstances- but this whole running from an angry woman theme seemed awfully familiar. Ah, that's right, he'd forgotten about the chase that had resulted in meeting Gaara. And unless he was mistaken, Konohamaru was going to run into the reject Kabuki in three, two...

"Oww, that hurt." A voice growled. "That hurt you little piece of shit."

Naruto rounded the corner to find Konohamaru had been picked up by his collar. Just as before, Temari had tried to convince him not to do something that would get them into trouble. Unlike before, he wasn't going to let Sasuke steal his thunder. These were his gakis, and he'd be the one to protect them from the perverted make-up boy.

"Put the mini down before you make a big mistake." Naruto said, slightly amused, but not showing it in his tone. Still, he had to be somewhat serious. Kankurou was an arrogant bastard, but he was one of the better Genin in the exams. His biggest exploitable weakness, however, was his sometimes overestimating belief in his abilities. This was what gave ninja just as good as himself an advantage over him.

"What if I don't feel like it?" Kankurou shot back with as much bravado as Kiba was prone to, though he was quite a bit more capable of backing it up than Kiba was too.

"Then I'll show you what it feels like to be on the receiving end of bully tactics."

Kankurou made a sound of disbelief before drawing back for a punch. At that moment two things happened almost simultaneously. First, a rock crashed into his hand, forcing him to drop Konohamaru, and also providing a distraction. Next the blond disappeared in a blur, reappeared behind the cat suit wearing nin, grabbed the back of his suit at the waist, and yanked up...hard...separating the Suna nin's feet from the ground by about ten centimeters. Naruto then let the boy fall to the ground, with tears of anguish in his eyes.

"Atomic Wedgie." Naruto said. "Maybe next time you'll think twice before picking on little kids." There was a sudden swirl of sand, and a red head appeared.

"Who are you?" Gaara asked. Sasuke had joined the group, and as he was standing next to Naruto, figured the redhead was obviously addressing him.

"My name is Sasu-"

"I don't care who you are." Gaara said, causing the Uchiha to frown, and miss the blonde kunoichi giving him an appraising eye. Focusing on Naruto, he asked again. "Who are you?"

"Me? I'm Naruto Uzumaki." Naruto replied grinning.

"Sabaku no Gaara. I look forward to killing you." To everyone's shock, Naruto didn't even react to the threat against his life. What was more- much to the shocked horror of Gaara's siblings- was that he seemed almost amused by it.

"Really? And here I was about to offer to teach you a jutsu that can make guys bleed without killing them." Gaara's eyes widened for a moment in interest, before he thought about the blond's statement.

"Why would I want to make someone bleed without killing them?" It should be noted due to the shock of Naruto's statement, that everyone there ignored Naruto's knowing about Gaara's bloodlust.

"Well, you get more uses out of your victims for one." Naruto said, again catching the redhead's undivided attention. "Not to mention, the whole randomly killing people thing is like, way out of style."

"Show me."

"Hey, cute chick with the fan." Naruto called to Temari. "Is the reject kabuki boy a pervert?"

"Yes." Was the curt reply, gaining a loud protest from the boy.

"Perfect. Hey, make-up boy." Placing his hands in the proper seal, Naruto waited until he had the boy's attention, before he called. "Oiroke no Jutsu: Tsunade Centerfold!"

In a plume of smoke, the blond boy turned into a very buxom, nude, blond girl with Tsunade-like proportions. A small bout of fuuton manipulation and the clouds disappeared to reveal erect nipples, and puffy, shaved lower lips that were glistening in arrousal. The reaction was immediate.

Two little children blushed, and turned away, their third member grumbled about how his rival had improved his jutsu so much that he was leaving him behind. The three Genin kunoichi in the area gained a heavy pink tint to their cheeks; one being held back by a reinforced Shadow Clone was highly annoyed and hissing death like a cat (although it should be noted her nose was bleeding), one looking vaguely amused at her brothers' reactions, although also slightly offended, and the third was severely questioning her sexuality.

As for the boys, the dark haired boy who'd thrown the rock, activated his Sharingan to commit the beautiful nude form to memory, blood dripping from his nose. The one with the make up flew backwards several meters with a severe nosebleed, showering the two Jinchuuriki. The one with red hair blushed, but most importantly noticed the amount of blood the second let loose. And finally, the two in the trees shot backwards, and out of the tree, one needing a change of bandages, and causing his team to almost be late to a meeting with their master.

"You will teach me this technique?" Gaara said.

"Of course." Naruto said. "Come on, we can even start now. I'm sure Konohamaru probably wants to learn how to upgrade his too." Said boy nodded.

"Hey boss, can you help us too?" Moegi asked. Naruto shrugged, and one kage's child, and three easily influenced academy students followed the blond to be corrupted, or further corrupted in the kids' cases.

888

Luckily for everyone's well being, Naruto had developed a more efficient means to teach the jutsu. No longer did they have to visit those adult shops, and browse through perverted books and manga. After showing the kids how to adjust theirs- with an emphasis on not overdoing the changes- and getting them started on it, he turned to Gaara and frowned a bit.

"Y'know, for me to do this, you're going to have to lift part of your sand armor." Naruto said. "It works better, and a lot faster if I don't have to barrel my chakra through your sand."

Gaara too frowned, both at the fact that someone knew about his armor, and that he'd have to remove part of it. "How do I know that you aren't going to kill me?" Gaara asked.

"I don't have a reason to, so why would I?" Naruto said. "Besides, I try to avoid killing allies, or I might get into trouble with the Hokage."

Gaara was only partially satisfied with that answer, but it was enough for him to allow a very small space for Naruto to place a finger on. Thankfully it was enough. For the initial phase, Naruto showed Gaara how to perform the technique, as in the handseals, as well as what he was trying to envision. He then placed his finger onto the small break in sand on Gaara's shoulder, and had him perform the jutsu. While Gaara was doing this, he pushed his own chakra into his fellow Jinchuuriki, to help guide Gaara's chakra through performing the jutsu. This way, when he did it by himself, his body would know what to do, and he would be able to do it on instinct.

The first two attempts at the transformation came out perfectly, but sadly, the girl was rather plain. Not plain as in a girl of average looks, but plain as in she looked like mannequin with little more than an efeminately boyish silhouette. Finally on the third time, Gaara was able to add a bit more detail, but the girl was still flat as a board on both sides. Naruto was shocked when he asked what Gaara was thinking about, and it's best that the answer not be repeated.

Naruto suggested Gaara think about a girl whose appearance he could pull to the front of his mind instantly. For someone like Gaara- who hadn't yet hit puberty, nor had he cared about anything more than killing for several years- there weren't any girls in his life that he remembered sticking out. As a matter of fact, the only two girls appearances he could readily recall were his sister and the pink haired girl, both whom he'd seen recently. Even though he didn't care about anything or anyone, he at least respected the fact that his sister tried to treat him like her brother, even if she was afraid of him. That meant that he would have to used the pink haired girl.

Performing the jutsu one more time, Gaara intoned, "Oiroke no Jutsu."

Now, one of the unknown side effects- one that the creator wasn't even aware had been added- of Naruto's jutsu, is that somehow, it could tell if the person using the jutsu was underage. If they were, the jutsu would automatically age them enough years that were over the age of consent for that. Because Gaara was twelve, and had used the form of another twelve year old for his inspiration, the jutsu felt that it was very important that the aging aspect kick in so that certain child nudity laws weren't violated.

For the sake of Naruto's sanity, the girl Gaara turned into just barely made the cut for not being classified as a loli; unfortunately, the petite beauty that Gaara created only just made it. The girl that he was looking at also ranked just low enough on the cute meter, that unlike the current version of his girlfriend Hinata, one wouldn't feel guilty for looking at her, and having naughty thoughts pop into their head. That still didn't prevent Naruto from receiving a small nosebleed, nor did it get him out of inspecting Gaara's finished product.

From what he was seeing, the girl looked like what a female Gaara might look like in about three years...from the neck up anyway. From the neck down, the figure was very, very, very familiar. Although granted he'd never seen it without clothes on, he'd obsessed over Sakura in his last life enough to know her body when he saw it. While she didn't compare much to Haku or Hinata, he could definitely admit that Sakura grew up nicely, and that he appreciated her form. Combined with a female Gaara's cuteness...he almost felt sorry for the Suna shinobi when the redhead unleashed this on them. There would probably even be a few accidental deaths if there were any anemics who saw this.

A half hour later, after being blasted by the jutsu enough times for Gaara to master the trasnformation, and slip into his female form flawlessly without thinking about it, Naruto left the training grounds more than a little freaked out. Part of that being that while he'd thought his sexy jutsu was sexy, Gaara's was downright...'No don't think of that. Normal biological reactions to that image give me wiggins.'

As he was stumbling along the street, he just so happened to run into Temari. She hadn't seen her brother in almost four hours, and regardless of the fact that she suspected he was with the blond, she also knew she couldn't discount the possibility that Gaara had gone on a killing spree. What she failed to realize, is that unlike her village, the shinobi of Konoha wouldn't have just stood by and ignored Gaara going on a killing spree. Not only that, but Konoha had shinobi who could actually deal with Gaara if they needed to.

Seeing the blond, she breathed a small sigh of relief, before she reminded herself that the blond could have just barely escaped. Her worries turned to true fear when she saw just how freaked out he looked.

Deciding to find out what happened, and sincerely hoping she was wrong, she asked. "What's wrong? And where's Gaara?"

The blond, who looked to have had a very minor nosebleed recently, looked up at her, and gave a shudder. "Your little brother makes a disturbingly hot girl."

As Naruto walked away, and she stared at his back, she couldn't help but wonder what the hell he was talking about. That was, until she remembered the Henge he'd used. He couldn't have possibly taught that to Gaara, could he?

888

Upon arriving home at his apartment building, he went straight to Haku's dwelling, and knocked. Upon her opening the door, he invaded her personal space, laid his head on her shoulder, and told her that he needed to be held. When she asked him why, he was forced to admit that he'd taught Gaara his Sexy Jutsu, as well as what she looked like, and the subsequent reaction that he'd had to it. While she was more than happy to hold and comfort her boyfriend, Haku just couldn't help taking a small shot at him.

"Naruto-sama," She started. "I've noticed that you have been turning an awful lot of males into hot females with your jutsu. I feel I must ask if you plan on making a habit of that, whether or not you're testing potential lovers, and how many more girls Hinata-chan and I should expect to be recruited and genderbended for your harem?"

888

A couple hours after her meeting with the blond that had spirited her brother away for several hours, Temari had to admit that the short blond was absolutely right. Gaara truly was 'disturbingly hot' as a girl. Her eyes boggled at the nude redhead that had just rendered both their brother and sensei unconscious with faces painted red.

The girl was about four inches taller than Gaara, and looked to be about her own age, Temari noticed. She had a figure to just die for: long, well formed legs, slim curvy hips, an even slimmer waist, and even a petitely proportionate bust- about a solid A-cup. And did she forget to mention the part about the girl being naked. Add to that the circles around her eyes, the tattoo on her forhead that was only just visible, the spiderweb looking seal on her lower back- that ended just above her tail bone- that actually looked like another sexy tattoo, and the fact that Gaara's normal hair- a slightly messy pixie cut- looked quite sexy on a girl, Temari found herself reacting to her little brother? sister? (9)

If she were to be completely honest with herself- and right now she really didn't want to be- she'd have to admit that Gaara's cute, petite vibe was seriously making her question her sexuality. Gaara on the other hand, was eying his handy work, and confirming that the blond was correct. Mother was satisfied with the blood offering, and she was also greatly amused.

"Uh, Gaara, not that it's not funny, and I don't have a problem with it, but is there any particular reason you keep blasting them with that jutsu every time they wake up?"

"The reactions amuse mother." He said. "And it satisfies mother's need for bloodshed."

'Well, at least he's not randomly killing- or threatening to kill us- anymore.' Temari thought.

"Not only that, but so long as I keep mother blooded and amused, she has agreed to let me sleep in peace." Giving the two men a smirk, Gaara released the jutsu, threw her a nod, and walked out of the room.

Temari's eyes widened at what she'd heard, and she could only stare stupidly at her baby brother's retreating back. Maybe she should thank that weird blond kid after all. It might also be a good idea to kidnap him during the invasion so that he can help keep Gaara distracted afterwards. Gaara seemed to like- and had possibly even made friends with- the blond, so it would be a sound investment.

Over the next couple days, there were numerous Oiroke attacks throughout the village, thought thankfully Gaara's were restricted to a certain pair of Suna shinobi. The paperwork that would result from the numerous hospitalizations over the next week would push Sarutobi into actually marking the Oiroke an S-class Kinjutsu. The only thing that kept him from banning the jutsu outright, was the fact that Moegi and Udon had decided to show their grandparents, his old teammates, their new jutsu, landing them in the hospital, and Konohamaru decided to attack him with his new improved version during a meeting with Danzo. The sight of his rival's female student nude was too much for the old warhawk. The hospitalization of his most annoying opponent on the Council allowed for him to push several reforms that he had kept getting opposed.

'Yes, that jutsu does have its uses.' Sarutobi thought as he filled out several forms for the exams with tissue stuffed up his nose.

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1. for those that didn't get the hint, yes, it's marijuana

2. this is from a very funny fic called 'The Great Romantic'. To Mogthegnome, you are a genius.

3. she's a random unimportant OC that I pulled out of a plothole; so you can pretty much forget about her

4. imagine time skip Hinata's body with Oiroke Gaara cuteness

5. yes, I made this word up, so what

6. go to rule34 . xxx, then copy and paste everything between the () as is (Zabuza lol) into the search bar. click on picture

7. Case13 gave permission, and this section was inspired by chapter 4 of his story reload; which also helped originally spawn this story idea

8. Dennis Haysbert, the All State Commercial guy

9. I actually found a picture that very closely resembles the Gaara Oiroke, but since it contains nudity. go to the same site as the Zabuza picture, and copy and paste everything between the () as is (tagme rule_63 gaara) into the search bar. click on picture with short haired, kneeling gaara. should be the third one.

lateness excuses

* thanks goes to Codenamed-bolt

+ thanks to Sketchfan

Misc.

^ thanks to slicerness for the Hyuuga history

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Omake for the scene where Naruto explains his second bloodline, and Sasuke not knowing that Fugaku wasn't his dad.

"Itachi."

"Jiraiya-san." The stoic young mand replied. "I was told that you had some information that was crucial for me to hear."

"I, am your father." Jiraiya replied, waiting for the blowup, and expecting to have to defend himself.

To his surprise, the explosion never came. "Hmm, explains a lot, especially why my penis isn't the size of my pinky." Itachi surmised. "As well as some of her angry rants about hoping that Sasuke and I take after our fathers. I'm guessing that Sasuke's father wasn't an Uchiha either?"

Jiraiya smirked. "Let's just say that your mother got a little tipsy with Kushina one night, and woke up the next morning in bed with a most youthful Chuunin for a bedmate."

"I wondered what he was doing there, and that errand excuse certainly didn't explain his blush." Itachi thought aloud. "I mean, I know my mother is considered a MILF, but she always dressed modestly, so that should certainly not garner any blushing under normal circumstances. Hmm, I guess it also explains Sasuke's natural speed, and his affinity for hand to hand."

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Well, there you have the latest edition in my official cry for help. Next chapter, the first and second stages of the Chuunin exams...and yes, I'm grinning in a disturbing manner.

Naruto: YOU ARE A SICK, TWISTED BASTARD!

NB: Thank you.

Naruto: That was not a compliment.

NB: Maybe not to you. Anyway, I've decided to change things. Instead of just Shunshins and excuses, I'm taking any ideas you think might make this even crazier than it is. Sure, I've got some okay ideas, but many twisted minds will make this much more entertaining for all. Well, see you folks next time, and remember to bring brain bleach.