Roarkshop here: Happy Monday, people! As always hope you enjoy! Read, review, PM, or whatever! I love to hear from you guys!

Shoutout to KD for the editing and proofing help! She's awesome! Again: Bioware owns all!

To say things were awkward was an understatement.

The crew, save for Miranda who always seems to be on her bad side, seemed to fall more in love with the Commander every day. Garrus heard them chattering away in the mess hall about how much nicer she was than they thought she was going to be. He couldn't understand what they meant because, to him, it seemed like she was colder than he had ever known her to be. He guessed that since these people had never known Shepard before she died, they thought this version was just as good.

But Garrus knew better.

He watched as she made her usual rounds on the ship, stopping to talk to every crew member just like she used to. But there was an emptiness in it. A routine to it all. She answered and replied to things in the same ways she always would, but it was hollow. It was almost like she was reading her replies from a cue card or pulling them out of memory. They weren't organic and clever. They were robotic. It made him even more uncomfortable around her. She would stop by the battery and try and get him to talk about Omega, but he just couldn't. Something was obviously much more wrong with her and he wasn't about to add to her trouble by adding his own. At least not until he could figure out how to help her.

He hoped she would understand as he made some half-hearted excuse about calibrations needing to be done. She would exhale from her nose, be exceedingly polite, and exit the battery. His heart sank every time. That old spark between them was gone. Every flicker of it reigniting was quickly stomped out by her complete inability to laugh or make light of anything. He was starting to doubt whether or not the real Shepard was in there at all.

Third day in a row he smelled her scent approaching the battery, her unique gait along the metal pathway. The familiarity of it all always seemed to make him relax a little, at least until the awkwardness showed up.

"Commander, need me for something?" he asked, like he usually did. Once he turned around he noticed the darkness in her face was especially severe. She didn't even make eye contact with him.

"Purgatory. Gear up," was all she said as she turned away from him, not even attempting to make conversation.

"Expecting trouble, Commander?"

She didn't turn around, just turned her head over her shoulder with a smirk that spoke more of fury than of humor.

"You know me," she said dryly. "Trouble follows me around like I have a god damn sign on my back that says 'I love to be fucked with'."

"As this is a high security vessel," the turian guard droned. "It is required that you relinquish any and all weapons."

She drew her gun and held it idly in her hand. "I'll relinquish one bullet," she said. "Where do you want it?"

Garrus bit down his laughter as the conversation went on.

After a rather unnecessary staring contest with the warden, Kuril was his name, they were allowed on board with their weapons in place. He lectured them about the security of their facility, bragging about how he bribed the home planets of the convicts into keeping the prisoners secure. He was a slave trader, but instead of indentured servants, he dealt in convicts.

"So it's an extortion racket," Garrus said.

"A dangerous extortion racket," Shepard corrected.

The turian warden was obviously displeased with what they said, but he dismissed it with some snide comment about the care they took to keep the prisoners in line. He pointed them to out-processing before leaving to check the money transfer for the biotic they were taking with them. Jack.

They passed by a guard ruthlessly beating an unarmed prisoner. Another guard watching safely from the other side of the glass. They weren't asking questions. They weren't trying to get information. Just brutally beating him.

Stop this, Garrus had expected her to say. There's no excuse to beat a man who can't fight back.

But that wasn't what she said. It wasn't even close.

"Whatever he did... he probably deserves worse."

Garrus was stunned into silence. Anger started creeping up in his chest.

"He certainly does," the guard said, nodding.

"Inhumane," the salarian professor raged. "Unacceptable. Violation of basic organic dignity!"

"And what if I stop it?" Shepard whirled. "We stop it this once and nothing changes. We don't make a difference. They will just keep doing it to more and more prisoners after we leave. The whole god damn place is corrupt, us stopping this will not change the moral fiber of these men."

The professor inhaled through his nose sharply. Thinking.

"Sound Logic... Disconcerting reaction."

She rubbed the side of her head, something he had noticed her doing very frequently. He wondered if she was in pain, if that's what was causing her to be so intense, so humorless. It wasn't until her eyes opened and she exhaled that a tiny flicker of Shepard lit up her face.

"Hey," she said to the guard. "Knock this shit off before you become what you're punishing."

There she is, Garrus thought. She was in there. Somewhere. It's almost like she was battling for dominance from something darker.

They headed down the corridor and Shepard trudged angrily through the door, as the trap was sprung. 'Out-processing' turned out to be an empty cell they were supposed to surrender themselves into.

"Uhh... that's not good," Garrus said as Shepard rubbed her head again, scowling.

"Like I have a god damn sign on my back," she cursed.

"My apologies, Shepard," the wardens voice said over the speakers. "You're more valuable as a prisoner than a customer."

She laughed, but not happily. It was a dark sound.

"You're going to be very sorry you let my sniper in here armed," she said gesturing to Garrus.

Garrus cocked his rifle for effect, nodding at her. He couldn't help but smile.

Her sniper.

Just like old times.

Spirits, he had forgotten what an incredible shot she was, though her fighting style had changed significantly. She didn't even get into cover anymore. Just took slow, angry steps. Downing mercs before they had the chance to really gain any ground. She didn't even keep both hands on her gun anymore. She didn't laugh or rejoice when an enemy went down. There was no joy in it for her, like she was trying to get shot.

"What, you too good for cover now?" Garrus teased as they entered the cryogenic stasis room.

"What does it even matter anymore?" She spat as she flicked a couple knobs on the console.

He didn't really know what she had meant, but decided to let it slide as she was about to cause a station wide jailbreak. "Commander, if you do that it'll unlock every cell on this ship."

"However," the professor countered. "Necessary if we want to get to Jack."

"I'm doing it," she said, already in the process. "Be ready."

They were all surprised to realize that "Jack the crazy biotic warrior" was a tiny, half-naked girl.

"That's ...Jack?" Mordin asked, just as the biotic broke free from the holding cell and began to wreak havoc on the mechs guarding her.

"I guess... let's go... help her?" Garrus offered, confused.

"Why go out the easy way? Might as well tear ass through the gut of the whole god damn place," Shepard growled.

When they followed the trail of destroyed mecs to the large compound floor, they saw a huge trail of cataclysmic destruction, most everything covered with a blue biotic field. Obviously left by their potential companion.

Mordin examined the wreckage curiously, and Garrus was just aghast. Shepard rubbed her eyes with one hand and put the other on her hip, exhaling an angry breath through her nose.

"I uh... I think she's a few rounds short of a full clip, Commander," Garrus offered, trying to brighten the mood.

"Confirmed mentally unstable," Mordin said.

"More like she eats a steaming plate of crazy every morning with nice big side of more crazy."

"That's what I was getting at, yeah," Garrus said.

It wasn't long before they made their way to Kuril, decimating his entire network of mercs and machines. He crawled away with a busted kneecap as Shepard slowly advanced on him.

"The slave trading I was going to let go," she said, holstering her pistol. "The blatant disregard for the lives of your prisoners, the terrible treatment, the torture, the extortion racket... 'it was all for the greater good', you said." She shook her head as she took slow, determined steps toward him. "I was ready to let it aaaallllll slide."

"Please," he said, scooting away.

"But your greed got the best of you. Greed and stupidity, the most dangerous combination."

Kneeling down, she pressed a knee in his chest and loomed over him.

"Shepard, you're a hero. You can't do this," he pleaded.

"I'm Commander fucking Shepard," she said, putting an iron hand on his throat. The severity in her face made the turian panic, clutching at her hand on his throat, flailing. "Did you think I would just surrender? Did you think I would just lie down and take it from a two-bit slave trader like you?"

He tried to choke out words but it was just gargling. The terror filled his eyes as his death fast approached.

"Commander," Garrus interrupted, getting her attention. He didn't say anything else, just motioned his head in the direction of the exit. The ship was going down in flames, after all. She exhaled through her nose and released the wardens throat.

"I-I'm sorry," He croaked out.

"No you're not," she said standing. "You're like a child, only sorry because your greed backfired on you." She exhaled and turned around, motioning for her team to head out. "You can burn in the hell you created."

"Or maybe," he croaked, reaching for a pistol that was on the edge of the platform. "I'll just take your ship and-"

Blam.

The round went through the wardens head and it fell to the ground; limp and lifeless. Garrus holstered his pistol, and fell in behind Shepard.

"I'm offering to be your friend," she said, cocking out her hip, appraising the bald woman. "You don't want to be my enemy."

"Shepard's combat ability impressive," Mordin offered. "Determination equally impressive. Enemies... don't last long."

"Yeaaah, they have a way of dying," Garrus confirmed.

"You show up in a Cerberus frigate to take me away somewhere and just expect me to hop on board? You think I'm stupid?"

"Well let's see, everyone who stays on this ship is going to either explode, or asphyxiate once all the life support shuts down. You are arguing about an open invitation on the one way off it." She put a finger on her chin like she was thinking. "Yeah, that definitely is a word I would use to describe it."

"Fuck you, you're Cerberus," Jack spat. She clenched a fist and it surged with blue biotic light. Garrus reached for his rifle, but Shepard put her hand up.

"Listen," Shepard said, advancing on her. "Obviously you didn't get a lot of cuddling as a kid. You have survived this long by being the biggest dog in the fight and making sure people knew it. I get that. But I don't really care about your baggage, or your history. Right now, all I care about is your future, and if you would like to have one, I highly suggest you stop trying to intimidate me. I am taking you onto that vessel one way or another. Whether or not you're in a body bag when I do it is completely up to you."

Well, Garrus thought. She certainly still has a way with words.

Jack's expression faltered only briefly before the anger set in and she snarled.

The biotic hurled her glowing fist at the Commander, who deftly leaned to the right and diverted the punch with her forearm. She gripped Jack's extended arm in both her hands, pivoted, and hurled her over her head. She hit the floor with such force she indented the metal, and before she had a moment to react the barrel of Shepard's pistol was pressed firmly against her forehead.

Garrus hardly saw her move it had happened so fast. He laughed and crossed his arms, shifting his weight casually.

Shepard stood there for about a minute, staring down at the biotic, daring her to try and make a move. After she was satisfied that the girl knew her place, she put the safety back on and re-holstered her gun. She made a hand gesture with two fingers signaling her companions to follow before turning and heading back to the Normandy. She didn't say another word.

Garrus offered a hand to the stunned bald woman on the floor and she took it, looking down the corridor at Shepard as she stood.

"Fuck, man," she said, dusting off her pants. "She looks like a pussy."

"Well," Garrus said, patting her on the back as he passed her. "Now you know better."

Recruiting the krogan turned into a cluster-fuck, too. Two missions in a row, supposedly simple pick ups, going to hell in the time span of minutes. Shepard was starting to doubt the Illusive Man's ability to arrange 'a simple pick-up'.

"Lawson," Shepard called out. "No one is taking pictures. Stop posing and shoot the god damn thing."

Miranda scowled and angrily shot a blast of biotic energy into the heavy mech, roaring with the effort. The blast hit the mech in the chest and neck, effectively decapitating it... which, they all knew, was a bad thing with heavy mechs.

"It's gonna blow," Garrus said, ducking into cover.

Shepard dive-tackled Miranda, covering the woman's body with her own as the blast went off. A large piece of shrapnel hit Shepard square in the back, but otherwise she was completely unharmed. She offered a hand down to the operative as she stood.

"Thank you," Miranda said, still quite angry.

"Well, well," Shepard said, smiling, swatting the girl on the back. "Look how useful you can be when you stop concentrating on how pretty you are."

Pretty, Garrus wondered. Was she beautiful by human standards?She did have the over exaggerated curves that human men seemed so obsessed with. But Garrus couldn't stop thinking that she looked misshapen. Like one of those caricatures the street peddlers would draw at carnivals and shows, exaggerating every flaw. And Miranda seemed to have no shortage of them, at least in his eyes.

Though he was entertained to see just how easily Shepard managed to get under the girls skin.

They rushed back to the lab when the alarms started sounding, only to find that the warlord they had been after was dead. Leaving them a message about his "perfect" cloned Krogan in a giant jar. They figured they might as well not leave it behind, but Shepard was obviously not happy with the outcome as they sat in the cargo hold, her and Garrus just staring at the tank.

"What is this, high school? How did I end up with a science project?" she said finally.

Garrus laughed and crossed his arms.

"Alright, back to the battery with you," she said as she approached it.

"You're not going to-"

"I am," she said, typing something into her omni-tool.

"If you're going to open it, at least let me stay."

"This isn't up for debate, Garrus. If this thing spooks I won't have you getting hurt because of it."

"And if you get hurt?"

"You can't hurt something that's already dead," she said without even turning around to look at him. "Battery. Now."

He backed out, slowly. He didn't like it. But fighting her on it was obviously fruitless. Invoking her wrath wasn't going to be a way to help her. He decided to just follow orders. She was armed and it wasn't like a lone krogan, stable or not, would cause her any real threat.

It wasn't the situation that made him so uncomfortable, it was what she had said.

"How do we help her, Doc?" he asked later that night.

"I don't know, Garrus. She's well past the point of legal insanity. Has been for days. I don't know how she's managing to cope so well."

"Isn't there something you can give her? Something to help her sleep?"

"No, I've tried. It isn't real sleep, the brain doesn't actually rest at all. Sedation is used to help the brain fall asleep, then once the sedation wears off you stay asleep. At least that's how it works in theory. But in Shepard's case as soon as the sedation stops effecting her brain, her nightmares just come back and her brain still doesn't actually rest."

He was about to say something else when Shepard walked through he door.

"Hey Doc, Can I- Oh. Sorry I didn't mean-"

"No it's fine," Garrus said. "We were just catching up anyhow."

"Ah... right," Shepard said. She rocked back on her heels as the silence made them all awkward.

"Well," he said, clearing his throat. "I'll uh... I'll see you later, Doc. I gotta hit the showers before I start offending people."

They all laughed as he exited, putting a friendly hand on Shepard's shoulder as he did.

He rounded the corner, still well within his own ear shot, even after the doors closed, and he listened. He knew he shouldn't have, but Shepard voluntarily entering the Med Bay was unheard of.

"How are you feeling, Jane," the Doctor asked.

She exhaled and paced nervously. She really didn't want to talk about it, but it was getting to be unbearable. She didn't know who else would be able to help her. Didn't know who else she could talk to about it without being judged like the machine she was.

"It's getting worse," she admitted finally, running her hands over each other.

"You're sleeping even less?"

"No, but, the dreams and..." she rubbed her forehead with the pads of her fingers. "The pain."

"You've been having headaches?"

"I haven't not had a headache since I woke up," she said, exasperated, letting her arms go limp and hit the sides of her legs.

"Curious," the doctor said, sitting down at her desk and studying the Commander.

"What," she demanded.

"Have you been hallucinating?"

She exhaled through her nose. Her obvious unwillingness to answer conveying her unspoken words.

"So you have."

"No, not exactly. No. Not hallucinating. I just..." She cleared her throat and looked around the Med Bay to make sure it was empty. "Well, I think I'm going crazy, Doc. I've been... Well ... There's this... voice."

"Voices?" Chakwas said, taking off her glasses, suddenly very worried. "You're hearing voices in your head?"

"Not voi-ces," she corrected. "One voice. Singular. The same voice every time."

"What does it say?"

"It's... ah..." She exhaled through her nose and put her hands on her hips, looking at her feet. Defeated. "It's Saren."

The Doctor was silent, obviously stunned.

"I mean it's not all the time. Just when I'm especially tired. After I get a few minutes of sleep it all goes away for a while."

"Jane..."

"I know, I know... I can't keep on like this, Doc. It's bad enough everyone's following a ghost. I don't want to be a crazy ghost too. I don't want anyone to get hurt or killed because I can't get a grip. The other crew doesn't see it, I know they don't. Not like you do..." She waited a beat and fought the grief creeping up on her. "Not like Garrus does."

"You think he see's it?"

"I know he does. He doesn't say anything but I can tell he knows. I don't know, Saren says that Garrus can hear the machinery in me. He must know what an... abomination I am." She sat in a chair and let her head drop into her hands. "Every time we're in a room together he can't get out of it fast enough."

"Jane, I'm sure that's not the case."

"You saw him just now," she said holding her hand out to the door. "He couldn't have gotten out of here any faster if he had propulsion systems in his boots."

"If you would just talk to him..."

"No," she interrupted, her eyes snapping up. "Out of the question. And don't you go telling him either. He's not to know about any of this. I am perfectly content with him thinking I'm a monster as long as he doesn't think I'm weak." Her posture settled and the tension left her shoulders. "Which is exactly what I am... God, it's unforgivable the weakness in me. I can't fight it and it's infuriating."

You're probably right. I'm surprised he hasn't left yet.

Shepard shook her head, and continued.

"Garrus is too good of a man to abandon a threat that needs neutralizing. He won't bail on us, not when it's this important." She exhaled a long breath. "As long as I can keep some semblance of leadership I think I can keep him around...Plus we saved his life on Omega so... I don't know. I don't think he'll leave, at least not until after we've got this done."

Exactly, Saren said. He doesn't trust you, how could he? You're the enemy now. He just has a loyalty fetish. As soon as he can, he will abandon you.

Shepard shouted in her head for him to shut up, rubbing her eyes with one hand and wincing.

"Jane... You need to let this all go. If you don't get these demons out of you you're never going to be able to sleep."

"What do you suggest? Where do you find an exorcist at this hour? ...In space."

"Ms. Chambers has a long history of expertise in psychology... maybe-"

"No," Shepard interrupted with a humorless laugh. "I'm not going to pour out my problems to some kid with a PhD. Her telling me everything is going to be alright isn't going to get Saren out of my head. I just came down here for medicine. Pills or something. Something to help me keep the crazy at bay."

"I don't think I can, in good conscience, prescribe any kind of medication for you in your current condition, Jane."

"Lynn," she said standing. "I can't talk to anyone else about this. I have never asked you for help in the past... I need you to just trust me on this."

Long, painful moments of silence passed as the conflicted doctor chewed on the earpiece on her glasses.

"I suppose," the doctor said heading for the cabinet and removing a bottle. "These are anti-psychotics. Don't take too many, but they might help keep everything under control in desperate moments."

"Thank you," she said, taking them gratefully before turning to leave.

"Jane," she said, stopping the Commander in her tracks. She approached and put her hands on the sides of Shepard's face. "This isn't a permanent solution. You will need to deal with all of this eventually or there are going to be serious ramifications."

"I know, Doc," she said with a sigh as she turned away. "I'll deal with it. Thank you."

He ducked into the bathroom and turned the showers on before Shepard left the med bay. He heard her walk past him and load herself onto the elevator and he waited until he knew the elevator would be at the top floor before punching the metal wall of the shower as hard as he could. He felt his middle finger break, but ignored it. He paced, put his hands up on the wall, leaning into it. Huffing, furious breaths coming out of his chest.

As he started abandoning pieces of his armor off to the side, he fought down the rage as the pieces started falling into place. The way she would hold her head, the random distractions like someone was screaming at her, the break down she had in the Med Bay. Saren was in her head. He had been all this time. She was being tortured.

He hated himself for not figuring it out sooner.

But how could he have? She had always been tougher than anyone else. She had the air of invincibility. She had always come out on top. There wasn't anything that was able to defeat her. Death itself was too afraid of her to keep its grasp on her. And yet all this time she'd been slowly driven mad by nightmares, voices.

But why? Why Saren? Why not the Illusive Man? Or Sovereign? Or any other enemy. Saren was dead. He obviously didn't pose a threat anymore.

And here he was trying to figure out how to help her, when he was apparently making her think that he couldn't stand to be around her.

As the cold water poured down his back, he leaned against the wall, hanging his head. She had always solved her problems on her own. He always sought her out to try and help, but by the time he got there she had usually come to some sort of resolution. All he had to do was make some kind of snide remark and her face would light right back up. He hardly had to try, it had always just happened.

I've made it so much worse, he cursed at himself, putting a hand over his face as the water ran down it. How in the hell am I supposed to help her now?