Naruto: A Cliche Parody

by NarutosBrat

This is a parody of all the most cliche plotlines in fanfiction that I can fit in to this story. Rated M for consistency.

5. The Chuunin Exams, Sort Of

Disclaimer: You want to know what the really disturbing part about this story is? None of this fic was influenced by mind altering substances. Aside from the obvious reader additions that are credited, this is all me. Just think about that for a second.

AN: I got a review questioning whether Minato was Sasuke's father given the fact that Mikoto was getting her world rocked by someone who wasn't her failure at life husband. The answer is no, Minato is not. I'll let the readers decide for themselves who Sasuke and Itachi's dad is (so long as it's not Minato). I'm thinking Ero-Sennin for Itachi (as it would explain his incredible talent), and I'm personally partial to Gai being Sasuke's dad when Mikoto got wasted and took his most Youthful virginity.

If you'd like, go back to the last chapter, and check out the omake I added. It will explain a few things.

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"Sorry I'm late," Naruto said, nearly out of breath as ran down the hallway to where his teammates stood with their sensei. "-but I got snatched into that Sand team's hotel room, and almost raped for helping Gaara sleep at night. (!)"

Turning to her teammate with an annoyed look, Sakura grumbled. "Anyone else, I'd call bullshit, but somehow, I could totally believe that happening to you."

"Really?" He asked.

"Nothing about you is natural, Naruto, and since that's such an unnatural thing to happen, then it's entirely possible that some foreign girl decides to offer you sex as a thank you."

"CoughcoughShioncoughcouch." Naruto heard in the back of his head, causing him to blush in embarrassment.

Raising his brow, Kakashi smiled beneath his mask. He was glad that they'd all showed up, because he'd have been saddened to turn them all away. Especially since Sakura believed they were ready. While he doubted that she'd be promoted, between the other two, they'd at least make it to the third round, and he could advise her against continuing then. Heck, if they had a prelim, maybe that would settle things, and he wouldn't have to even worry about it.

"I'm glad you're here Naruto, because I would have had to turn your teammates away had you not shown." Kakashi said.

"What?" Sasuke almost yelled. "I thought you said that it was an individual choice."

"Did you already forget what Naruto said the other day?" Sasuke glared at his sensei's rebuke.

"The Chuunin Exams are a team exam, at least until the final test." Naruto explained. "So unless we enter, and make it to the third test with all members alive and intact, then we're disqualified."

"Is Naruto right, sensei?" Kakashi nodded at Sakura.

"Although I'll admit that I'm surprised that Sakura decided to show up. Like Naruto said, the two of you are stubborn enough to go forward, ready or not. Still, I'm proud of you three. Well, good luck." Kakashi gave them a wave, and gestured for them to enter.

Shrugging, Naruto led his team into room 301. They weren't in the room for more than a few seconds when a certain blonde kunoichi decided to embarrass Konoha kunoichi with her antics.

"Sasuke-kun! You're late." His biggest fangirl squealed as she latched onto his back like a leech. "I haven't seen you in awhile, so I've been waiting in excitement."

"Would you useless fangirls get it through your heads that I don't like you?" Sasuke growled, trying to shrug the girl off. "I'd rather learn that perverted jutsu of Naruto's, turn into a girl, join his harem, have him impregnate me, and have his child than date any one of you. And no Kiba, for the last time, I am not gay."

"Are you sure?" Kiba asked teasingly. "That was an awfully specific set of linear, preferential events you used just to insult a bunch of fangirls." Sasuke was going to retort in the negative, when he paused, and actually thought about what the mutt said, as well as what he'd said. He hated to admit it, but the less intelligent half of the Kiba/Akamaru pair had a point.

"I plead the fifth, owing to the fact that you raised a disturbingly valid point that I really need to take some time to think about."

From there, reintroductions to former classmates proceeded almost identically as Naruto remembered they did- with the notable excepion that Sakura chose to refrain from embarrassing fangirl actions after Sasuke had thoroughly embarrassed Ino. Never let it be said that the girl couldn't learn.

With things so similar, Naruto decided to allow Sasuke to make an ass of himself looking for info on Lee and Gaara. From what he could make of the angry grumbling, Sasuke was still angry that Gaara ignored him...of course, that was after he'd recovered from Naruto's Teenage Tsunade Oiroke. When Kabuto began his diatribe about the Sound Village, Naruto found himself suddenly inspired, and in such a way that even NB would be proud. Sliding subtly into place, he was ready when things came to a head. When the group of one trick ponies attacked, Naruto stuck his foot out just as Dosu passed him.

'Oops.' Naruto thought to himself as he tripped the wrapping clad boy, resulting in a tumble, and the misfit ending up in a Nar/Sas pre-Genin yaoi moment with Kabuto. Moments later the proctor showed up, and the exams officially began.

Because it's pretty boring, and like the Demon Brothers thing, there's only so many different ways you can do that part without it becoming stupid or boring, we're going to ignore the first test, and skip to the part where the second proctor enters. About the only thing you need to know is that Naruto stuck to the script, and enjoyed watching the nervous tic that developed over Ibiki's eye when he ruined his intimidation speech with one about bravery.

Okay, let's be honest, the speech mocked anyone who didn't have the balls- or ovaries in the case of the kunoichi- to stare certain death in the face, and tell it to go fuck itself. As shinobi, they were already living on borrowed time, so one should do what they could for their village with the time they had. He also called Ibiki a sick fuck for showing off his scars.

'Too bad we're going to be razing this village, and killing everyone in it.' Kin thought from her seat. 'He'd make a great father for my brats someday.'

A certain Snake had to control his eye twitch as well. He'd heard similar speeches twice before when he'd proctored Konoha's Chuunin Exams, one equally as vulgar from a certain redheaded girl from Whirlpool, and once from another blond haired, blue eyed pool of charisma- though he was decidedly more eloquent than either of the Uzumaki were. Something told him that this didn't bode well for his plans, but it was too late to change things, or back out now.

888

"Heads up, boys and girls, this is no time to be celebrating!" A voice yelled as it crashed through the window. As she tossed two kunai into the ceiling to erect a banner behind her, she continued. "I'll be your next proctor. Anko Mitarashi. You ready for the second test? Good! Then let's go, follow me!"

As everyone stared at the woman in shock, Naruto found himself wondering how long she'd been practicing that move. Seeing that everyone else was still distracted, he took the time to peruse the sign he'd previously ignored in favor of staring at the hot- yet incredibly creepy and scary- kunoichi. He couldn't help the smirk that crossed his face as he read, 'The Sexy, Salacious, with an ass so Bodacious, Anko Mitarashi'.

"Bad timing, Anko." Ibiki deadpanned. "You're early." In the silence that followed, Naruto decided to comment on the sign the Special Jounin had erected.

"You know, I find myself agreeing with everything on that sign." Naruto said.

With a sinfully naughty grin on her face, Anko replied. "You keep teasing me gaki, and I might have to convince Iruka-kun to share me."

"Very tempting, but I'll pass." Naruto replied. "Not only do I fear for my health, but Haku and Hinata probably wouldn't like it if I did."

"Oh great, she's like an adult, kunoichi version of Naruto." Sakura grumbled.

"Thanks." She said- completely ignoring the fact that it probably wasn't a compliment- looking around. "Damn it Ibiki, there are still 78 Genin here. Your test must have been too easy, because 26 teams is way too many."

"We've got a better crop of Genin this year." Ibiki intoned. 'And your little blond friend ruined my intimidation speech.'

"No matter, my test will cut the the numbers by at least half." She said. "I'll explain more after we change locations."

With that she leapt through the window, followed quickly by Naruto, and soon the others. Once the room was empty, Ibiki went around and picked up the tests. When he reached Naruto's he was once again besieged by an annoyed eye tic. In each of the answer slots, Naruto had written 'Blow me, only the last question matters.'.

888

As Anko explained the second exam, Naruto found himself distracted by the plans he'd made for the Forest of Death. He was suddenly broken from his contemplation as a kunai whizzed past his face. When he felt Anko's presence, and her wet tongue again on his cheek, he couldn't help the cheeky comment that came out.

"You know, for someone whose in a happy relationship, you sure do like licking my cheek a lot." Naruto quipped. Surprisingly, he found himself hugged from behind.

"Now I see why Iruka-kun likes you so much." She crooned. "But I must warn you, it's not smart to not pay attention, expecially when I'm giving you warnings about my favorite little playpen."

"Bah, I'm not worried." Naruto said, then his voice dropped to a whisper. "Compared to what I've got stuffed in my gut, there isn't anything in there that can scare me."

"Huh, good point." She said, before going back to her instructions, after of course that creepy grass bitch did her stalker routine.

Naruto absently filled out his waiver, when it was handed out. He didn't really need to pay much attention to the instructions of the test, because he already knew what he had to do, and what to expect inside. This time, he wasn't about to just go in blindly. He was going to send a bunch of clones out to scout as well. He was also aware of the significance of this particular test, and how it effect the future. While he knew that things wouldn't be exactly as they were before, he knew of two things that were sure to happen. Dealing with the sound team would be easy, but he was still unsure how to go about making sure Sasuke didn't get the Curse Seal. Considering the fact that he was unconscious the last time Sasuke had gotten it, he wasn't sure exactly how to go about preventing it.

Which is kind of odd, considering that he'd read the entire series while in that time travel waiting area.

Naruto glanced around at the other rookies, and could tell that they were apprehensive, and with good reason. Not that they had anything to worry about. He planned on having a clone tailing them in case things got really bad. Sure, they'd made it out on their own the first time, but there was no point in taking any chances, especially in the case of Hinata-chan. And speaking of Hinata, she looked like she was about half a second from giving in.

Moving over to where his girlfriend sat with her team, he wrapped her in a one armed hug, and kissed her on the cheek.

"Don't worry, Hinata," Naruto said. "You'll do fine."

Basking in the warmth of her boyfriend's embrace, Hinata drew strength from him, and quickly signed her form. Grinning as he headed back to his own team, he tossed one last line over his shoulder.

"I'll see you at the tower, okay?" Hinata gave a quick nod in answer.

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After receiving their Heaven scroll, team seven gathered by gate twelve. As soon as they were out of sight of the other teams, Sasuke predictably held his hand out.

"I'll hold our scroll, since I'm the strongest member of the team." Naruto just shook his head.

"Two reasons why you aren't getting this scroll." Naruto said. "First, the other teams are going to be expecting the strongest or weakest members of the teams to be holding the scroll. The strongest for obvious reasons, and the weakest as a fake out."

"And what's the second?" Sakura asked.

"I don't trust the emo not to bitch out, and give up our scroll to save his own ass." Naruto said, glaring, remembering how he'd given the scroll to Orochimaru, only to have it burned.

As Sasuke bristled in anger, Naruto ignored him in favor of sealing the scroll into a wristband. Again shaking his head, he couldn't believe that he was borrowing one of Sasuke's tricks. Then again, it was a pretty smart idea, and very few expected it, so why not.

888

Barely ten minutes in, and Hinata was again feeling apprehensive about the test. Sure, she had Shino-kun and Kiba-kun with her, but what she wouldn't give for another hug, and reassuring comment from her Naruto-sama. Still, she wasn't too worried. Thanks to her training with Haku and Naruto, she was much more confident in her own abilities than she'd have been otherwise, and knew that so long as they worked together, they would be fine. Akamaru's stressed bark brought her from her reverie.

"Damn, already?" Kiba asked. "Where are they?" Another soft bark came. "Up in the trees, to the left."

"I wouldn't worry about them." Shino suddenly said.

"Oh?" Hinata asked.

"My father has spent some time in here studying some of the insect life. He says that sitting in the trees, and staying stationary is the worst mistake you can make."

"W-why is that?"

"The Leaf Jumping Leeches." Came the reply, right before the team stalking them began to scream. "They sense lifeforms, and attack in bunches."

He nodded to an area of the ground, where seconds later three dried up husks fell to the ground.

"Well, that's one team down, let's see if they have the scroll we need." Kiba said searching them. "We're in luck. We can already get the heck out of here."

Hinata smiled. Looks like Naruto-kun had been right after all.

888

Back with said blond, Naruto again had the urge to take a leak. A few minutes later, he returned sulking.

"What happened?" Sakura asked.

"I got ambushed."

"Let me guess, you lost the scroll." Sasuke taunted.

"No, of course not." Naruto said, waving the comment off. "I actually got another scroll. I was just pissed that the bastard didn't have the one we needed."

"Oh?" Sakura said, surprised. "Well, I guess we better keep looking then."

Once again, Sasuke insisted upon using that ridiculously long password in case they got separated. Almost as soon as they were getting ready to head out, a massive wind came out of nowhere.

'Here we go.' Naruto thought.

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Already having a plan to deal with the snake, Naruto waited until it was about to attack, before jumping into its mouth. With one application of his signature jutsu, the snakes throat exploded open.

"Heh, easy." He said, before turning to the legion of clones. "Okay, you remember the clearing that we stayed in after the Orochimaru fight? I want half of you guys to start setting up traps that we can use. The other half, I want to come with me back into the fight. Keep an eye on Sakura and Sasuke, and I want a couple of you on standby for when he uses that seal. It'll be much easier to get the drop on him if he thinks I'm out of the fight, so we have to let that happen."

"Yessir!" All the clones called saluting, before half hopped off.

Using the pulse, Naruto quickly found where his teammates were located, and vanished in a swirl of peanut shells. The other clones soon followed.

888

Back with the other two members of team seven, Sasuke had just thrown a kunai at who Sakura had thought was Naruto.

"Sasuke?" She asked.

"That's not Naruto." He said. "The Dobe would never have remembered a password like that. And even if he could have, he would have just insulted me for coming up with a stupid password."

"That's true." Sakura admitted.

"Impressive," The enemy nin said with a smirk. "Looks like this will be fore fun than I thought. Well then, since you have a Heaven Scroll, and I have an Earth Scroll-"

Naruto arrived just in time to see Orochimaru slithering up a tree like a snake. Creative, clever, and highly disturbing all at the same time. Taking a few shuriken from his pouch, he tossed it just ahead of where the man would be, stopping his forward momentum.

"You know, me saving your ass is becoming a running theme, Sasuke." Naruto said.

"Damn it Naruto, I know you think you're cool, and here to save us," Sasuke yelled. "-but this chick is on a whole different level."

'Trust me, Sasuke, you have know idea how right you are.' Naruto thought grinning. "Hey, does she have a scroll that we can take?"

"She had one, but she swallowed it whole right here in front of us." Sakura replied.

So Orochimaru swallowed the scroll he had. Naruto knew he shouldn't, but he just couldn't pass up the chance. "Hey, you weren't trying to tell them something by swallowing that scroll, were you? I mean, we're like twelve, that kind of stuff is easily a few years off for all of us."

"Says the boy who banged an enemy kunoichi into defecting." Sakura retorted.

"Touche." Naruto shrugged. "But still, I'm twelve, and Haku was only fifteen, so it wasn't that bad. This guy is like fifty, and he's propositioning preteens."

"Are you blind, Naruto? That's a girl." Sakura yelled.

"No, that's a frikkin dude, Orochimaru of the Sannin if I'm right."

"Oh, and what makes you think that?" Orochimaru asked, wondering how a mere Genin could deduce his identity, when even his own apprentice hadn't noticed.

"It was a really good disguise." Naruto said. "It's just too bad that your arrogance blew your cover."

"Is that so?" The man said, grinning.

"You remember when you gave Anko back her kunai?" Naruto said. "You were holding it with your tongue, and there's only two ninja in the known Elemental Nations who uses a technique like that. Anko, who uses it mostly for perverted means, and Orochimaru. There's also the fact that the same two shinobi are the only known shinobi who know, and use that swallow anything jutsu."

"Very astute of you." Orochimaru said, pulling off his mask. "Well, I guess I don't have any more need for this then. So, now that you know who I am, are you going to start running?"

"What for?" Naruto asked.

"Kukuku, prey should always take the chance to run, from a predator, that is." He said.

"Normally I would, because you're easily the scariest sonova most people will ever meet, but I've seen worse." After all a menstrual Tsunade was easily the scariest thing he'd ever seen in his life. Though how she was still doing that at almost sixty, he didn't know. Orochimaru's eyes narrowed at the boy's shudder. He'd seen that shudder before on his former teammate Jiraiya when he'd been warning him that Tsunade wasn't to be bothered for five to seven days. Whatever, it wasn't like the boy had ever experienced that kind of horror before.

"Well, I guess I'll just have to change your mind." Orochimaru grinned.

'If this is really one of the Sannin, then we'll all be killed if we fight this guy.' Sasuke thought. "Naruto, give him the scroll. If we give him the scroll, maybe he'll leave us alone."

"Remember what I said about bitching out, Sasuke?" Okay, so Naruto knew he wasn't exactly being fair. For him, after facing the likes of Kisame, Pein, and Madara, Orochimaru just didn't hold that level of scary he'd held at this point before. Sure, Naruto was wary of fighting him, but he wasn't exactly scary anymore. The scariest person that Sakura and Sasuke had faced to date was Zabuza, and really there just wasn't any comparison.

"Naruto, this isn't a game!" Sasuke yelled.

"No shit, teme." Naruto said. "But think for a second. What the hell would Orochimaru need with a scroll? He's one of the Sannin, and all three of them were Jounin before they went their separate ways. He's obviously not got a need for ours, so why give it to him? It's highly unlikey that he'll leave us alone even if we give him the scroll."

"Kukuku, Naruto-kun is correct." Orochimaru said, shocking the other two. "I can easily kill all three of you, and take your scroll."

Naruto then saw what he'd been hoping wouldn't happen. Orochimaru rolled up his sleeve, bit his thumb, and swiped blood over the tattoo seal on his arm. That certainly wouldn't be a good thing.

Naruto only had a split second to dodge before a massive snake struck at him with its tail. Dodging a second attack, Naruto decided to show this fucker why you didn't fuck with a Jinchuuriki. Hand in the tiger seal, Naruto began channneling some of the fox's chakra, enough so that his eyes turned to red slits.

"Just so you know, I really, really, really have an issue with snakes." Naruto growled, as he leapt at the snake, spinning horizontally to avoid a snap of its jaws, and punched it in the head. He then had to leap back to dodge the Katon jutsu that the borderline geriatric followed up with.

"This is getting kind of fun." Orochimaru said. "It's your turn now, Sasuke-kun."

Naruto watched with expectation as the snake charged at his teammate, and knew that Sasuke was just going to stand there. For someone who wanted to kill his S-rank brother, this whole freezing in the face of much stronger shinobi was certainly not helping him. Leaping after the snake, Naruto landed in front of his teammate, with both his hands out to block the strike.

"You know Sasuke, if your fangirls find out I keep having to save your ass, they might decide they want me instead." Naruto taunted. "How are you supposed to kill your brother, if you're too much of a scaredy cat to face someone weaker than him?"

Naruto slapped the top of the snakes head, and grinned when the explosive tag seal he'd been hoping for appeared. He didn't have time to celebrate this new success- something he'd been trying to do since he'd learned that both his parents could apply seals with just their hands and chakra. A long, wet appendage was soon wrapped around his waist, and he was pulled up face to face with the former Sannin member.

"Weaker than Itachi-kun, am I?" Orochimaru snarked. "I will admit that he cought me off guard with the power of his Sharingan, but I assure you that he is not my equal. As for you, my little friend, it seems my information about the nine tails brat was wrong, and you have survived after all." Using the tip of his tongue, Orochimaru lifted his shirt, and Naruto could feel the saliva on his bare skin.

"Dude, that is seriously disgusting." Naruto said, not at all liking the sensation. He'd kind of forgotten- read repressed- the part of the memory where Orochimaru had been holding him with his tongue.

"Ah, the seal is visible, well let's see if I can't make a little improvement on this pretty little work of art." The man said, as his fingers glowed with various seals. "Gogyou Fuin."

Naruto the felt a searing pain as the fingers connected with his stomach. Immediately the Kyuubi's chakra drained from him, but thankfully, he didn't fall unconscious like the last time. With absolute control of the fox's chakra, it was merely like having his chakra suppressed with the cuffs that the Anbu used for prisoners. Still, he was feeling extrememly sluggish, and his training seal wasn't helping matters either. He wasn't likely to be able to defend himself until he was able to get rid of either it, or the Gogyou.

With a negligent flick of Orochimaru's tongue, Naruto was tossed behind him. It was for this reason, that he didn't see one of the many Shadow Clones still hanging around, that caught the weighed down Naruto. Boss in his arms, the clone leapt several feet away, before sitting Naruto down. Now a good distance away, the clone activated the seal on the snakes head to great effect, before turning back to his boss.

Looking down at the groaning blond, the clone couldn't help but quip. "Y'know, it would have been easier to just use the Bunshin Bakuha, right."

"Too close to the others with my chakra levels." Naruto groaned.

"Hehe, oh yeah, forgot about that." The clone said.

"Though I'll probably use that against Kabuto when we go get Baachan." Naruto said, grinning, then winced.

"Right, I should probably get this seal off of you." Performing the handseals, the clone held his wrist as each finger lit up with one of each of the elements. "Gogyou Kaain."

Again, searing pain engulfed Naruto, as the invading seal was broken. "Ugh, I still feel like shit." Naruto sat up, and immediately slumped back down. "It's going to take me a moment to get back up, go help Sasuke and Sakura, and make a general nuisance of yourself for snake baka."

With a salute, the clone leapt away. The clone rejoined the battle just in time to see Sasuke giving it his all. Sure, the guy may have been a grade A dick, but you couldn't deny that he had talent that had dwarfed his own at the time. Noticing all of the misses, he decided to give Sasuke a hand. With an evil grin, he decided to give his teammate a hand. Leaping down, he sent a wild kick at Orochimaru's head, missing by a wide margin.

"I thought I got rid of you, you pest." Orochimaru said, darting his tongue out to capture the off balanced blond.

The clones grin widened when he was again caught by Orochimaru's tongue. Naruto placed his hands in a single seal, and tried to vanish in a swirl of rancid, green slime. While the escaping part of Shunshin failed, the displaced item did not fail to appear, coating both Naruto and the shinobi right in front of him. With a vicious smirk, he bobbed himself on the head, and disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Orochimaru nearly vomited from the odor that filled his nostrils, and could tell just from the scent, that this was one of those odors that just wouldn't come out no matter what you did. Now while the smell was bad, it was nothing compared to the taste. Having had his tongued wrapped around the blond when the utsu was performed, it meant that the entirety of his tongue was coated in that vile concoction.

As the man coughed and dry heaved, distracted as he was by the vile odor that he could smell from his position, Sasuke took advantage of the situation. Running through the seals of his current signature jutsu, he took a massive breath, and put as much chakra as he could spare into the jutsu.

"Goukakyou no Jutsu!" Now normally this jutsu- which is a close range attack- would have neither made it to Orochimaru, nor caused him very much damage, all things considered. There were, however, a couple things that Sasuke had to his advantage at that moment. First, the slime that was giving the borderline pedophile such problems also happened to be highly flammable. The second thing that Sasuke had in his favor, was that Naruto had finally recovered enough to be of use again.

A set of rapid handseals, as well as a murmured, "Reppoushou!" from just behind Sasuke resulted in his fireball doubling in size and intensity. It also served to turn the normally short-range attack, into a long range ball of heat. Still, Orochimaru wasn't an S-rank ninja for nothing, and Naruto knew that they weren't lucky enough for him to just die like a normal person after being hit with that combo jutsu. When the flames died away, standing where the sick bastard had been standing was a Doton Bunshin. Well, actually it was a dried up clay mud statue in the form of Orochiamru.

Regardless, it wasn't the results they wanted. This was proven when Naruto heard the disturbingly silky tones of the missing-nin.

"I'm impressed that you can still stand after my seal, Naruto-kun." Orochimaru said, "And even perform such an impressive jutsu."

"Thanks, I think." Naruto said.

"And Sasuke-kun, to be able to use the Sharingan so well at this age, you're truly one who carries the Uchiha blood." He said, smiling in a way that made both Naruto and Sasuke- who were both in Orochimaru's line of sight- very uncomfortable. "Just as I thought...I want you."

Now Naruto knew this would have been the perfect point for a creepy pedophile joke, but decided against it. Given his current condition, how he took that Itachi barb, and the fact that he was at least one uber training trip away from being able to take the man on, seeing the look on his face wouldn't be worth it.

"If you want to see me again, then survive and pass this exam." He said as he torched the scroll he'd liberated from Naruto's pouch.

"Seriously, I don't think any of us ever want to see you again." Naruto said. "No offense, but the vibe you give off is kind of a deter...deterg-"

"Deterrent, Naruto." Sakura finished.

"Yeah, that."

"I beg to differ." Orochimaru said, performing seals. Naruto watched him cautiously. Something told him this was the point that he'd been waiting for. He was about to find out how Sasuke got the seal, and hopefully, he'd be able to reverse.

To Naruto's shock and horror, Orochimaru's neck extended, and raced towards Sasuke. What happened next, Naruto couldn't have predicted. Nor could he have asked for an easier way to remove the damnable seal that made his friend into a psycho. As Orochimaru sank his fangs into Sasuke's neck, Naruto forced the grin down.

"Sasuke-kun will seek me, to seek power." The old man said. Naruto hadn't heard a word the man said, for as soon as he saw the application process for the Curse Seal of Heaven, the first thing that came to his mind, and out of his mouth, was.

"Gross, did you just give Sasuke a hickey?!" Naruto asked.

"No, it's a small dose of the power I can grant him." Orochimaru boasted. "Soon, he will come to me for more." The Snake Sannin laughed as he sunk into the ground.

Smirking in a way that made Sakura question his sanity, Naruto made a random glance wagging his eyebrows, then looked back at Sasuke's shoulder.

"Looks like a hickey to me." He said. Let's just say, that when Sasuke woke up, there was no seal, no power boost, and absolutely no way in hell that he was ever going to willingly go near Orochimaru again.

After Sasuke had stopped screaming, and calmed to a deep snooze, rather than a comatose power struggle for his sanity, Naruto suggested that they take a rest. Picking Sasuke up, he carried the boy to the clearing, and the massive tree that they'd made camp in during his other life. Just as Sakura was about to take a step towards the massive tree, Naruto grabbed her by the arm.

"Sakura, my clones just spent the last several minutes booby trapping this area." The pinkette paled, before taking a large step backwards. "Here, take my hand, and I'll get you to the safe zone."

One Shunshin later, and Sakura couldn't contain the slight blush as they dis- and reappeared an a swirl of Sakura blossoms. Naruto on the other hand, was confused at how he'd ended up with Sakura blossoms when he hadn't really been trying for anything. Shrugging it off as a nuance of his unique ability, he settled Sasuke down on the floor beneath the massive roots. As Sakura immediately laid down for a nap as well, Naruto summoned one of his remaining clones to take first watch. Sitting down, Naruto took a meditative state, and centered himself.

When Naruto was finally standing before the giant cage that held the highly intoxicated Kyuubi- and the numerous massive bottles was a testiment to that- Naruto called out to the basted fox.

"Okay fox, you've been in here drunk and idle for long enough." Naruto grinned at the glaring red eyes of the drunken fox. "You have two new choices, you're either going to be a caring parental figure that teaches me the way of the Kitsune, or find a way to become an extremely sexy part of my harem who teaches me the way of the Kitsune, your choice."

"An' wha' ma'es you think tha', you devoid...you involved...you no-thumb monkey?" Kyuubi drunkenly slurred. Um, I should probably mention that Kitsune tend to suck at insults when hammered.

"You can see everything that happens to me, right." The fox nodded, before waying dizzily. "You saw what happened with the bloodline, Haku, and the snake pedo, correct." The fox glared, but nodded, slower this time. "Pick one." Kyuubi's eyes widened as it caught the blonde's meaning. The fox grumbled, and glared at its vessel for several moments, before being engulfed in a swirl of smoke. What stepped out of the smoke was a red head, wet dream incarnate- well, it would be if you were a girl, or tended to swing that way.

"Alrigh', gaki, the firs' thing you gotta need to learn-" Naruto grinned as he sat for his first lesson. He couldn't wait to learn foxfire, and to see if he could encorporate that into an Endan.

888

Meanwhile, in an area nearer the tower...

The Sand team that just so happened to consist of the three children of the Kazekage were having a fateful encounter with a Team from Rain. Now, in the original timeline, the Rain team had already found their missing scroll, and had actually been camped near the base of the tower trying to prevent as many other teams from passing as they could. This would lead to them angering Gaara, and being smushed by his Sand, resulting in three traumatized Konoha Genin.

This time around, the circumstances were very similar, yet shockingly different. With an alternative method to making people bleed, and mother finding more enjoyment out of that method, Gaara chose a different path to dealing with the offending team. With a few simple seals, Gaara had once again become a disturbingly hot young woman, and once again perverted males reacted to the jutsu. Of the five males in the confrontation, three were now bleeding, twitching sacks of unconscious flesh.

Gaara frowned at the tall, scarred young man who was still standing in front of him. While he had a small dribble from one of his nostrils, he hadn't reacted like his two teammates. Sure, Naruto-san had said that not everyone would react, and that there were some girls who might react violently towards him for the jutsu, he hadn't experienced either instance until that point in time. Not really wanting to fight at the moment, Gaara commanded his sand to wrap around the boy's legs from his shin down, and squeezed.

The sound of crushing bone and flesh was very familiar, as was the spray of blood, but oddly enough, the elation that used to follow those two things were missing.

As she stared at her brother's handiwork, Temari couldn't help feeling oddly bemused. Sure seeing it happen to her brother and sensei was amusing, but she'd never have thought watching enemy ninja get it would be. Sure, she'd been terrified when she saw Gaara's sand creep up the last ones legs, but was at least somewhat mollified when that was as far as the sand went. Afterward though, Gaara's silent contemplation had her worried, as if he was just remembering how much he enjoyed crushing things. Not only that, but she was quickly becoming annoyed at the screaming from the Rain ninja with the crushed legs. Deciding to end it before Gaara snapped, and did so, Temari clubbed him him in the head with her fan.

It was a moment later, that her brother speaking got her attention.

"Odd, mother says that Uzumaki-san was correct." Gaara said.

"Eh?" Kankurou said, holding his nose, and looking anywhere but at his little brother-sister. Seems he'd finally awaken from that 'moe' induced nosebleed. Getting hit with it repeatedly must have been good for something after all.

"He said that crushing people is not as entertaining or satisfying as the nose projectiles." He replied. "Mother and I find ourselves agreeing."

"Oh." Kaknkurou muttered, both bewildered, and secretly jumping for joy inside. Sure the nosebleeds were embarrassing, and left him light-headed with a headache, but he didn't have to worry about dying from Gaara and 'Mother' getting their blood fix.

"Um, Gaara, not that I mind, but feel free to turn back any time now." Temari said, her face red because she couldn't seem to take her eyes off of Female Gaara's amazing ass. Gaara absentmindedly made the seal to release the jutsu, but found that she couldn't.

"Hmm, it seems that I cannot turn back." Turning to face her sister, Gaara cocked her head in a confused motion, a cute 'mou' pout adorning her face. "This is troublesome." Temari took one look, and was forced to cover her face as a spritz of blood made its way from her nostrils. A glance at her other brother showed him again twitching spastically with a blood covered face, and a small geyser still shooting about six inches in the air.

About ten meters away, Kiba was having a similar reaction as Kankurou to seeing moe Gaara. Unfortunately, having never seen it before, as well as because of certain instincts unique to his clan, he had yet to recover. Still, from the smile, and the glaze of his eyes, Shino rightly deduced that the canine-nin had again fallen in love with a girl he couldn't have. In a way, his teammates felt sorry for him. His clan's unique disposition truly was at fault for his innate perversion, but given that said perversion had cost them their first set of scrolls, Shino wasn't very sympathetic at the moment. Still, he could understand how his teammate had folded so easily in the face of such beauty; especially given the excessive lack of fabric in that kunoichi's chosen attire.

Still, given the conversation that they'd overheard, they might be in luck. Making his way over to the downed Rain team- waiting until after the Sand team had gone on into the tower first- Shino searched the team, and almost let a smile grace his stoic features when he found not one, but two full sets of scrolls. Heading back to his team, he handed the scrolls to Hinata, grabbed Kiba by the collar, and motioned for her to lead the way while he drug their teammate along.

As the previous situation was happening, the Sand team had just opened the two scrolls they'd acquired, summoning a Chuunin. The young woman took one look at the team, remembered the redheaded male that had been with them, forgot about the prepared speech she was supposed to give, and gave into her curiosity.

"Is there a reason that your teammate is walking around looking like an extremely hot naked girl." The female Chuunin asked.

"She learned a sex change jutsu from this blond kid with whisker marks, and now she can't change back." The Chuunin looked at Gaara, then at Temari, and back to Gaara, before shrugging.

"Right. Well, congratulations on making it through the second portion of the Chuunin exams." She said, and was about to start the prepared speech; however-

"Wait, this doesn't bother you?" Temari couldn't help asking.

"We have standing orders from the Hokage to either ignore or just go with anything abnormal, unnatural, or impossible that is connected to Naruto Uzumaki. The only person to ever ignore that directive ended up having to be committed to the asylum, and has spent the last three months bouncing off the walls of a padded cell." Temari and Kankuro stared at each other, and then their little brother- or was it sister until further notice- wondering what they'd gotten into letting that blond kid influence Gaara. Temari was really beginning to wonder if kidnapping the blond after they destroyed Konoha was still a sound idea.

"Besides, amongst the shinobi of the village, that kid is a hero, especially after defeating that demon cat Tora." She said.

"Demon cat Tora?" Kankurou asked.

"Yes, he saved us from the Fire Daimyo's wife's cat, Tora." She said passionately. "We don't know what he did, but we do know that when they brought her in, she was very docile, and she hasn't tried to escape since."

The three Genin stared at the woman in something like shock, and confusion. To outsiders, those that had never faced the dreaded Tora, the legacy of the demon cat wasn't all that impressive. To the ninja of Konoha, however, Naruto's heroic deeds would give him almost the same noteriety amongst shinobi that saving the village from Pein had.

Still, given that every shinobi village has a Daimyo's wife's pet that terrorizes the Genin, you'd think they'd understand the sentiment.

888

Meanwhile, back in the forest, Naruto was having a very nice lesson when it was disturbed by a clone popping, and the information that the Oto team had shown up. Naruto's eyes snapped open, startling Sakura who had been staring at him for almost an hour, shocked that he could sit so still for so long. Naruto found himself surprised by Sakura's shinobi prowess when she too informed him of what his clone had already told him; well she said she thought there might be someone out there.

"Well, they won't even get close to us." Naruto said, looking up, and finding that it was close to morning. "My clones trapped this place pretty good, just watch."

And they had. The group of clones had set up a set of omega traps, many of them prankish just to mess with them, as well as to dstract them from the ones that were potentially lethal. Seeing the two leaf ninja talking amongst themselves, as well as having the flawed information provided by Kabuto that Sasuke was the only one on the team who would pose a threat, the Sound team decided to make their move.

Sakura flinched, reached for a kunai, and had her arm cocked to throw when they saw a squirrel headed their way. She tried to plead with him, reminding him of the traps, and how the squirrel would set them off, but Naruto just shook his head and pointed. The running squirrel suddenly stopped, and backed away. It then inched forward a few steps, sniffed the ground, then grew wide eyed, and ran the other way.

"What was that?" She asked.

"It smelled the scent of a predator. My clones made sure to add something that would keept the forest creatures away while we slept, just like the traps would other shinobi." Naruto said. "No Sakura, you don't want to know."

"Good morning." A voice said, as three forms dropped from the trees. "Wake up Sasuke-kun, we want to fight him."

Naruto had to roll his eyes at their entrance. One was standing there, giving the stance of someone ready to attack. The girl was to his side also giving off an aura of intimidation, and the hothead was sitting on a rock behind the leader, trying to give off the impression that if he had to get up, they'd really regret it. Sadly for them, Naruto was the undisputed king of ruining impressive entrances.

"So you're the Sound trio?" Naruto asked. "That's a bit of a surprise."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Zaku growled.

"Well," Naruto started. "I was expecting a trio of butt ugly bumpkins, but she's kind of broken the mold. She's actually a lot prettier than my initial look at you three lead me to believe. Still, if you want to fight, I guess Sakura can wake up Sasuke. Kami knows he'll bitch something awful if we didn't give him the chance to show off, especially for the surprisingly pretty girl."

While Sakura goes to wake up Sasuke, I'm going to take this time for a news bulletin. I probably forgot to mention this before, but NB gave Naruto some of the jack-assier aspects of his personality. Not enough to change him, but enough that you get comments like the ones above.

"What's going on here, Naruto?" Oh, that means Sasuke is back, so back to the story. Anywho, Sasuke stared at the Sound trio several meters away.

"They claim they want to fight you." Naruto said, gaining a smirk from Sasuke. "But given that they asked for you by name, and the fact that their village leader is that pedophile we ran into earlier, I think they might actually be fanboys and a fangirl. Sakura doesn't believe me, but I'm sure I'm right."

"What are you talking about?" Zaku growled, standing. "I'm no fanboy, and how dare you talk about Orochimaru-sama that way?"

"Orochimaru-sama?" Sakura couldn't help asking. "No comment." Did I also forget to mention that between Inner Sakura and Naruto, Sakura has slowly been corrupted.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"He said he wanted Sasuke, and then gave him a hickey." Naruto exclaimed. "Do you know how traumatizing that is for a young boy? And now here you are calling him Orochimaru-sama, it seems a little fishy is all we're saying."

"Enough of this nonsense." The mummy said, disturbed that they knew who their master was. "We were given a job to do, so we will do it."

"Tch, whatever." Sasuke grumbled. "Naruto, did you trap this area?"

"Yup." Naruto said, grinning.

"Then I'm going back to sleep." He said, turning, and further angering the trio. "If they make it past the traps, then I'll fight these losers."

"Sasuke?" Sakura asked.

"Sakura, do you remember who Naruto used to routinely prank when he was late to class?" Sakura looked thoughtful for a moment, before realization struck.

"Fair enough." She admitted.

"Grr, you fucking leaves." Zaku spat, leveling his vents at the trio. "I'm going to kill these two, and then I'll kill that Sasuke guy."

"Feel free to give it your best shot, you one trick pony." Naruto taunted.

"Wait Zaku, I don't care if you kill the other two." Dosu said. "But I want to fight Sasuke first. I want to see what Orochimaru thinks is so special about him."

"Fine, hurry up." He said, lowering his arms.

"So you trapped this area, eh?" Dosu said. "You're not very good, are you? Recently overturned dirt, different colored stones, and this grass doesn't grow here. A booby trap is pointless unless it goes unnoticed. Kill them."

The trio of Sound nin jumped into the air, preparing to leap over the trapped area, only to find themselves surprised. "Sakura, I'll let you do the honors."

With that, she used the kunai Naruto handed her to gut the length of wire next to her, causing a massive log to come barrelling down at them from the trees. "You're right that a booby trap is pointless if it gets noticed, unless its purpose is to set you up for something else, by having you notice and avoid it."

"What, a booby trap from above?" Placing his hand on the log, he used his special technique. "Yeah right. You have no talent, and frankly speaking, you shouldn't mess with guys like us."

Unfortunately for the Sound trio, the rope wrapped so tautly around that log was the only thing keeping the other numerous traps from being triggered. When Dosu exploded the log, the rope went slack, and their sufferning began. By the time that the last trap had activated, the three Oto ninja were wondering where the hell Kabuto was getting his intel from. This was nothing like the academy deadlast they were expecting.

"Hey Sakura, go wake up Sasuke, and tell him that they just might survive the traps afterall." Naruto said with a girn.

"Hmph, I guess you aren't as good as I thought you were, Dobe." A voice mocked a couple minutes later, just in time for the sound trio to regroup.

"Well, I didn't use the more lethal ones, because I know how much you love showing off." Naruto retorted back, causing Sakura to roll her eyes, and Sasuke to smirk.

"I'll take the leader." Sasuke boasted.

"As you wish, Sasuke-sama," Naruto teased. "But be careful of that thing on his arm. They're from the Sound village, so it probably has something to do with sound waves. Given the way that it's positioned, it's a close range weapon, and anywhere within a foot of you will likely give it plenty of range to fuck with your head. Sakura, same thing, only beware of a different method of attack. Luckily, they're all one trick ponies, so that's probably all you have to worry about."

And so the battle began. While the two teams were figthing, they were also being observed by others. Team 10, having pegged Team 7 as the weakest team in the exams, had finally found their quarry after an embarrassing run in with Neji. Unfortunately, that plan fell by the wayside. While Ino was watching her crush fight with hearts and stars in her eyes, Chouji and Shikamaru were watching Naruto, who seemed to be just as competent as his more notable teammate.

"Looks like going after Naruto was a bust, eh Shikamaru?" Chouji asked.

"Yeah, so troublesome." The boy said. The question on both their minds, when had Naruto gotten so good, or had he just been hiding it?

As Naruto easily dodged an attack, he took a moment to check on his teammates. From what he could see, both Dosu and Sasuke were probably about even physically, but Sasuke was easily superior skillwise, and with his Sharingan, that gave him a distinct advantage, and allowed him to keep away from the sound nin's one trick. Sakura was mostly on the defensive, but seemed to be holding her own for the time being. It wouldn't last for long, but hopefully he'd be done by then. This Zaku guy was seriously a one trick pony. The only thing he had going for him was a strong chin.

Deciding to just finish the fight so he could help Sakura, Naruto went on the offensive. It was like he'd disappeared, and then reappeared underneath Zaku's guard.

Zaku looked down just in time to catch a kick to the chin. Jumping up, Naruto kicked the boy in the back, knocking him even higher, while two Shadow Clones appeared about ten feet above them. Using Kawarimi, Naruto switched with the lower most clone, who took anotther shot at the vulnerable Sound nin. Naruto flipped so that his feet connected with the other clone. Using what he'd learned with the tree climbing exercise, he purposely put too much chakra into his feet, and blasted himself towards Zaku. Naruto grabbed the back of Zaku's shirt, and as they neared the ground, brought his knees up, and pressed them into the boys back. They landed with a crash, Zaku hitting face first.

Just as he'd turned to help his teammate, he heard the sound of a pained groan, and had to admit he was impressed with what he saw. Zaku was again getting to his feet.

Growling as he gathered his chakra, Zaku screamed. "Okay, now I'm fucking pissed. I'm going to kill all of you bastards!" -and rapidly made hand signs. Naruto could feel the amount of chakra the boy was charging, and knew that if he used those air vents, it was going to be much stronger than what Naruto remembered from the prelims. Seeing that Sakura and her opponent were also in the path of the attack, Naruto ran towards his female teammate.

Naruto wasn't the only one to recognize the technique he was using, and growling at his hotheaded teammate. He didn't care that the idiot was going to kill the blond, but the fact that he was ignoring Kin who was also in that path was a problem. While he could really care less about the girl, they needed all three of them intact to advance, and her getting caught in that jutsu would make that difficult.

"Kin, scatter!" He yelled, before jumping away.

Sasuke, who'd heard the warning as well, followed his opponent. Sakura, who'd been concentrating on her fight, paused when her opponent suddenly fled. Looking around, she saw the unbandaged boy holding his hands in her direction. It was then that she noticed the holes in his hands.

"Zankyokukuuha!" The boy yelled, a massive gust of slicing wind exploded from the vents in Zaku's hands, destroying everything in it's path. As Sakura watched the attack come, she just knew she was dead...and then she was being grabbed by her top, and tossed through the air.

"Naruto!" Sakura yelled from a nearby bush where she had landed on top of Chouji, knowing he was the only person in a position to reach her. She was also aware that unless he had jumped with her, which it seems hadn't happened, then that meant he'd been caught in that blast.

When the dust from the attack cleared, they could see all around destruction from the jutsu. Shikamaru just looked at the area with a frown. He and Naruto had never really been that great of friends, but he wouldn't have wanted him to die. They'd had some good times together in the academy, and he was a comrade, after all.

"Heh, looks like I've blown him away." Zaku said with an evil grin. Seeing one of their own killed right before their eyes, things became very serious for the six Konoha Genin- including Lee who'd also been watching.

Just as they were about to resume the fight, now with much higher stakes, the group heard a sound that was half groan, half growl. "You...bastard."

It was about this time that they felt it. An aura of death, thicker than anything they'd ever been exposed to, floated over them like a tidal wave. Turning to where the growl had come from, the group of combatants were stunned to see Naruto emerge from the devastated area, a red haze beginning to form around him. The air began to heat up dramatically, and eyes widened as the red haze surrounding Naruto exploded from him, and started filled the area.

"Now you've pissed me off." Naruto growled out, as the ground beneath his feet began to crack. "I'll make you pay for that." The Killing Intent filling the arena was thick enough that it was becoming hard to breath.

Then, it suddenly disappeared, as all of it was directed at Zaku. The Oto-nin froze as the feeling increased nearly tenfold. Biting himself to snap out of his fear induced stiffness, he brought his hands up to blast him again. Naruto, bathed in a fiery red chakra, gave the boy a menacing glare.

Dosu stared at the blond, trying to figure out what this boy was. He'd never felt anything like this before. It felt even worse than Orochimaru's Curse Seals, and even the Snake himself. Dosu was certain that continuing this fight would end with them being killed, so decided to call a retreat.

"Zaku, this is a lost cause." The bandaged boy said. "Let's go, we'll have our chance later."

"No, it's much to late for that now."

Naruto darted forward in a reddish, yellow blur, shocking everyone watching with his sudden speed increase. Naruto struck with a chakra enhanced left to the boy's stomach, hard enough to make his eyes bulge. Four alternating punches of equal strength followed, lifting the boy into the air followed by a kick to the chin, and a spinning roundhouse to the chest that sent him skidding along the ground, head over feet, until he hit a tree (1).

Naruto stalked the barely conscious boy, flexing the claws that using the Kyuubi's chakra always gave him. Raising his arm, he was about to strike, when a voice stopped him.

"Hold on, Naruto, we need him alive." NB said inside his head.

'I wasn't going to kill him,' Naruto grumbled. '-just knock him out.'

"I know, but with the Kyuubi's power, and how mad you are, you could still do it on accident."

'Well, I can't not do something, it would completely ruin the image.' Naruto groaned back, before an image that made him grin appeared in his mind. 'You're a sick bastard, but when you're good, you're good.'

Slowly, Naruto lowered his poised to strike arm, bringing several sighs of relief, most notably from the formerly defiant Zaku. It was short lived, however, when Naruto reared back, and kicked the boy between the legs. Zaku shrieked loudly, before frothing at the mouth, and passing out from pain. Turning to the other two members of the Sound team, Naruto gave a sinister grin.

"Hey, mummy guy." Naruto called. "Give teme your scroll, and I'll let you come get your idiot, and walk away."

Dosu didn't have to be told twice.

888

Midday found the members of Team 7 in possession of both scrolls, and finally heading towards the Tower after giving Sasuke and Sakura a chance to rest. Naruto had no idea why they were just walking towards the tower, but figured that conserving enegry would probably be a good idea. They were about a ten minute walk from the tower, when Naruto sensed a hidden chakra signature, and drew his team up short. Searching, and finding the hidden ninja, Naruto turned to a bush that also happened to have a poorly constructed Genjutsu supplementing the hiding spot. Still, for a Genin, hiding from other Genin, it was enough to get the job done. Sadly for whoever this ambusher was, Naruto wasn't exactly a Genin.

"I know you're there hiding, so come on out." When he got no response, Naruto's eyes narrowed. "I don't know who you are, but if I have to drag you out of there, you won't like it."

To Naruto's shock, a redheaded girl with black glasses stumbled out of the bush. She had on a pair of shinobi pants, a battle kimono, and a pair of sandals. The fishnest top she wore beneath was just visible, and upon her brow was a headband that marked her as a Genin from Kusagakure.

'Hmm, she looks familiar.' Naruto thought.

"She should." NB echoed in his head.

'Really?'

"Think deliciously long legs in criminally short shorts." Naruto gave a mental shrug. "Glasses and thighhighs." Again nothing rang a bell. "Ran with Sasuke until he tried to kill her during that Danzo fight."

'Oh, Karin.' Naruto said, finally remembering. 'Kind of hard to think this little girl with the baby fat becomes the rather svelt young woman who told me my chakra made her nipples hard and tingly. I'm kind of disappointed that I ignored her at the time. Not nearly as much as ignoring Hinata, but a bit.'

Luckily, NB decided not to even start on his rant about how many different girls Naruto could have had a chance with if only he'd not been so hung up on Sakura. If he had, this chapter would have probably had to been broken in two.

"Truthfully, if she's anything like it's hinted in the manga, or especially the way she's portrayed in fanfiction, I don't think you'd have known what to do with a girl like her."

"Probably not." Naruto said aloud, with a wide grin. "So, who are you, and what are you doing in the forest all by your lonesome?"

"My teammates went off to find a scroll, and left me here." She answered. "They told me to hide, and stay put, but that was yesterday."

What Karin didn't know, was that her teammates were assholes. Okay, so she knew that, but what she didn't know, was that being the assholes they were, they'd decided that they could be promoted later, and decided to cut their losses, namely her. That decided, it was only a second more before they'd decided to leave her in the deadly forest to fend for herself. Ironically enough, Karin is the only one from the team that would make it out of the forest alive.

"Well, you can come with us, we'll get you to the tower." Naruto said, before noticing her distrusting stare. "Come on, you can trust us."

Skepticism written all over her face, Karin placed her hand in the half ram seal, and began feeling out the group. After a few moments, she decided that they were at least sincere about helping her. The problem was, could they actually protect her if something happened. Switching the nature of her scan, she again measured the group. The pink haired girl had almost laughably small chakra stores, which was rather sad if she was truthful. The handsome dark haired boy had a pretty decent sized chakra for a kid too. It wasn't until she got to the blonde that she felt something amiss. It was like a spike of yummy ran through her entire body. He had easily the biggest chakra she'd ever felt, even larger than her own, and she was a freaking Uzumaki. Not only that, but it was so bright, warm, and inviting...and intoxicating. As she reveled in the feeling of the gigantic, warm chakra she soon lost herself to the feelings it evoked.

It wasn't until the girl started shaking, and moaning that they realized anything was happening. Karin's mouth dropped open a ways, and a bit of drool began to escape. When she opened her eyes, they were half rolled up into her head, and glazed over.

"Ch-chakra...so big. Mmm. So warm." The girl began panting, before Sakura swiftly knocked the girl out.

"You know what, I don't even want to know." Shrugging, Naruto picked Karin up, and got Sakura to help situate the girl onto his back.

"Okay team, let's get the hell outta here." That decided, the trio decided to head for the tower at a run.

888

"What's this I hear about you meeting Orochimaru in the forest?" Kakashi asked, almost as soon as Iruka led the trio into the waiting area set up for teams that made it early.

"It was really creepy, Kakashi-sensei." Naruto said. "He kept complimenting Sasuke and I, then he said he wanted Sasuke, and gave him a hickey, before running off. I don't know what the protocol for things like this is, but I'd suggest getting Sasuke some therapy. That was traumatizing enough to watch, I can't even imagine how bad it must have been to experience."

"I'll see what I can do, Naruto." Kakashi said, walking away, incredibly disturbed by what he'd heard. It didn't help that memories of the man, and some of his questionable comments and actions- as well as two specific jutsu that Anko had used on him once- started to take on a decidedly different meaning. Sasuke wasn't the only one who was going to need therapy.

As he watched his sensei walk away, he decided to let that little tidbit play out, and hopefully circulate as much as it could. If it became well known that Orochimaru gave Sasuke a hickey, it would certainly drive Sasuke far away from even considering going to the man for power. With that taken care of, Naruto began the most important task of these exams...locating his younger hime, so that he could spend some time with her. Since they weren't allowed to leave the tower until the prelims were over, it was just the two of them until then.

888

It didn't take Naruto long at all to find Hinata, and the pair began regailing each other with their tales of the forest. Hinata, great girl that she was, gasped, laughed, and all those other reactions to an adventurous tale, in all the right places. It was one of the reasons he always loved telling her stories about his missions. Her reactions were always so genuine and interested that he'd rarely embellished the tales. As it would happen, the pair was walking hand in hand through the lounge area while Hinata told him about how her team had stumbled upon a confrontation involving the team from Sand, when who should they stumble upon, but that very same team.

Naruto stared in shock at the freakishly attractive girl who he knew was a genderbended Gaara. Naruto was thanking his lucky stars that she was clothed, but in all honesty, it didn't do nearly enough to diminish the cuteness. As a matter of fact, the outfit that Gaara had chosen- and if he did, Gaara could certainly make a career dressing up kunoichi- only seemed to enhance the decidedly lovely features of his Oiroke. She was donned in what looked to be a thin, white sweatshirt with long blue sleeves, a blue, grey, and white skirt with criss crossed stripes, black leggings, and feminine sandals (2).

Hinata also stared at the frightfully cute girl standing in front of her. Haku-nee had told her about what happened, as well as the small joke she'd made about it. While she doubted that Naruto-sama would be genderbending attractive boys into girls to join their family, the question of how many more would join was shockingly valid- not that Naruto would go looking. The simple fact was that Naruto-sama's personality and natural charisma was such that it would draw girls to him like moths to a flame. Sure, the girls their age in Konoha weren't an issue, but as they grew older, and others were exposed to Naruto's amazingness while on missions outside the village, there was definitely going to be other girls becoming smitten with him.

And that didn't even count the Konoha girls that might suddenly decide that Naruto was worth something now that someone else wanted him, and he was unavailable. Sakura's opinion of him had certainly changed since team assignments.

"Uh, Gaara, you're taking this turn into a girl thing a bit far don't you think?" Naruto asked, not sure he really wanted an answer.

"I used this instead of killing, and I got stuck." Gaara replied stoically. "I had to make do."

Naruto shrugged, since he couldn't really fault him for that. "Well, I guess we better see about getting you turned back, then."

Half an hour later, Gaara was sitting in a massive sealing array, with numerous seals written all over his torso. Surrounding him were Gaara's teammates, their sensei, his sensei, and the Hokage. Of course, in the interest of preserving Gaara's feminine modesty, only he had been allowed in the room while he was drawing the seals; though Naruto had insisted that Gaara put his clothes back on once the ink had dried.

"Are you sure this is going to work?" Temari asked. "Regardless of how much he scares me sometimes, or how traumatizingly sexy his current form is, Gaara is still my little brother."

"Don't worry, this seal was specifically designed for this kind of problem," Naruto said. "-although, I will admit that I haven't really had a chance to do more than a few tests. Don't worry, he'll be fine, and back to normal in no time."

"Naruto, are you just pulling a random seal out of your ass, and hoping that I deal with it?" NB's voice echoed in his head.

"Actually, this seal was in my family scroll." Naruto said. "Why they had a reversal seal for accidental genderbending in the family scroll, I don't know- and to be honest, I really don't want to know- but there was, and since they were seal experts, I figure it should work."

"And you call me sick and twisted." NB teased. "The implications of that jutsu, and the reason why it was needed in the first place says a lot about your heritage."

'Why do I get the extremely odd feeling that one of my great-grandads on my mom's side gave birth to one of my other great-grandparents, and his wife was the father of the baby?'

"To be honest, if the circumstances of your birth hadn't actually been put into the series, I'd have been willing to bet your mom knocked up your dad using some kind of family genderbending jutsu."

Not wanting to think about that, especially since what he'd learned of his mother says that it was very much a possibility, Naruto quickly ran through the required seals, and placed a hand on the top of the seated Gaara's head. The seals on the floor began to glow brightly until the spectators were forced to cover their eyes. The seals on Gaara's body began to rapidly move about, before being absorbed into his skin. Then, with a mighty flash, it was over. Of course, given the fact that this is Naruto we're talking about, and the fact that the author of this fic should be in a padded cell, things didn't go exactly as planned.

While the seal had done its job, and Gaara was once again male, the way in which the seal decided to resolve the situation was about as far from what they were expecting as could be. Instead of of two preteen boys sitting within the now blackened seal array, there were two preteen boys, and a teenage girl. Further tests would prove that the boy from Suna was his normal self- Shukaku and all- while the girl- who basically looked like what Gaara had before Naruto had performed the sketchy seal- seemed to be more along the lines of a female version of what Gaara was like after his demon had been removed three years into the future. The really freaky part, was that she appeared wearing an exact copy of what Gaara was wearing.

The young woman was a rather interesting source of entertainment they would find. While she may have looked like a female version of post timeskip Gaara (or Gaara's Oiroke), she still had the pretimeskip Gaara's personality, blunt stoicism and all, though thankfully even less homicidally inclined than Gaara was unless severely annoyed (or receiving a visit from Aunt Flo). To Kankurou's horror, she told him point blank that she didn't like him for some reason that she couldn't explain, slapped him, and told him her gut said he deserved it.

As he looked on at the odd family spectacle, Naruto considered telling Gaara that he probably shouldn't use the Oiroke anymore, at least until he could figure out why Gaara got stuck, but then realized that would be a mistake. Without the Oiroke to make people bleed, Gaara might decide to fall back on old habits, which would be a bad thing. Luckily, with the recent separation, Gaara didn't have to worry about getting stuck anymore. Gaara finally brought the group's attention back to him when he spoke.

"If you will excuse me, I will go change." Gaara said. "Women's clothing is very uncomfortable with boy parts."

"Naruto, how is this possible?" Sarutobi nearly screamed, after the group from Sand had left.

"I-I don't know." Naruto said, shocking Kakashi and Sarutobi.

"No plothole excuse?" Kakashi teased.

"I don't think even a plothole could do something like this, Kakashi-sensei." He then thought. 'Speaking of, what the hell? I know that you messed with that seal.'

"I did, and the reason why was indecision." NB stated distractedly. "I couldn't decide whether I wanted to fully genderbend Gaara and make him chase a Konoha guy, or have regular Gaara go back to Suna and torment his village with Oiroke, and I didn't want to waste any of the potential insanity either could provide. This will give me the chance to explore both avenues if I so choose, and it makes it more amusing for me."

'You are a seriously sick, twisted bastard.' Naruto grumbled in his head.

"Thank you."

'Again, not a compliment.'

888

Three days later found the teams that had passed standing before the Hokage listening to him give his speech. The first time he'd heard it, he hadn't really been paying attention, but now he better understood how the Chuunin Exams were a substitute for war. Naruto did find it amusing that for all the substitution for war it was supposed to be, killing in the exams was still mostly frowned upon, even if it was allowed. Finally, the chronically ill proctor arrived, and after Kabuto again backed out like a bitch, the first match was called.

"Will Sasuke Uchiha and Akado Yoroi please step forward?" He said through a coughing fit. "Everyone else head up to the balcony, and wait until you're called."

As Naruto settled to watch, he knew this was going to be a quick match. Sasuke had beaten the boy fairly easily the first time around, and that had been with a taijutsu only handicap because of the Curse Seal. Without it, and with access to both his Sharingan and his jutsu, it wouldn't last long. Moments later, Naruto was proven correct, and surprisingly with the same move. Naruto did have to admit that it was highly amusing watching the shocked look on Orochimaru's face when he found he couldn't influence, effect, or toy with Sasuke during his match.

"Nice one, teme." Naruto called. "But if you had lost to that guy, I'd have never let you forget it."

"Tch, as if I'd lose here." He shot back, as he made his way to the balcony. Anything else he was going to say was overwhelmed when Ino squeed loud enough to make nearly everyone wince, and Akamaru cry in pain.

"Kyaaa! Sasuke-kun!"

"The next match will be Shino Aburame versus Zaku Abumi."

Much to Naruto's amusement, the match went exactly as he thought it would. Zaku took every chance he could to try and hit Shino with his air vents, and Shino completely embarrassed him. It wasn't long before Zaku again made the mistake of underestimating Shino, and blew his arms off from the forearm down. As he was being carted off of to the medical area, Naruto chuckled.

"Yup, that's about what I expected to happen when he was paired up against Shino." Naruto said. "One trick pony through and through, just like the rest of his teammates. Good one, Shino."

All he received in reply was a nod of acceptance.

Naruto mostly ignored the Kankurou/Misumi match. The likelihood that he'd face either of them any time soon was small, and he already knew how to deal with both of them should he face them. The match followed much the same pattern as it did the last time. Once Kankurou had been declared the winner, the random match generator started moving again.

"The next match will be Sakura Haruno versus Ino Yamanaka."

Predictably, both girls stared at each other in shock, before turning to Sasuke, and developing masks of determination. As the two girls stood across from one another, taunting each other- Sasuke's name being heavily involved with each insult- Naruto gave a sigh.

"This is going to be sad." Sasuke said.

"Why do you say that?" Kakashi asked, though he was fairly sure he knew the reason.

"Kakashi-sensei, Sakura's only learned three new abilities since we've been a team- tree climbing, water walking, and that Genjutsu you used on her during the bell test. I highly doubt that Ino can even claim that much. Both of them were fangirls of the worst sort, so they aren't likely to be capable of much anyway. Thankfully their reserves are so small, so this should be over quickly."

Lee, who was standing nearby, frowned. "That is a most unyouthful thing to say about your teammate."

"True, but it's also sadly the truth." Naruto admitted. "Now I'll admit that Sakura has finally gotten her head out of her ass, and is finally taking this job seriously, but that decision came far too late to be of any help to her in these exams. Funny thing, if we'd have had another month before exams started, this would have probably been a massacre in Sakura's favor."

The match really was a sad affair, following the exact same circumstances as the time before. The first time around, Naruto had happily cheered for Sakura, thinking that she was showing everyone how much she'd grown, even if it wasn't all that much. Older, wiser, and more aware of both Ino's and Sakura's abilities, Naruto found himself disappointed in Sakura. He hadn't been kidding when he'd said a month more of training would have made this a massacre in Sakura's favor. The thing is, even without that month of training, Sakura still should have won decisively.

At this point, the only new abilities that Ino had picked up were the Shintenshin no Jutsu. Between the many different strategies she could have utilized based off of tree climbing, as well as the Genjutsu that Kakashi had used, Sakura had everything she needed to beat Ino. Right off the top of his head, she could have used the tree climbing exercise to take shots at Ino from a distance she couldn't reach, and then used the Genjutsu. Ino was as big a Sasuke fangirl as Sakura was- even bigger given the slight disillusionment Sakura had been suffering the past few weeks- so being put under a Genjutsu similar to what she'd suffered would have easily dropped Ino like a bad habit.

"I'm glad that's over." Naruto said with a sigh as the two girls knocked each other out. "No offense, but that match made Konoha kunoichi look like a joke."

Turning back to the Temari/Tenten match that was already in progress, Naruto frowned. There was something about this match that he remembered not liking. He couldn't remember what it was offhand, so just decided to wait and see. As the match progressed, he couldn't help feel sorry for Tenten. Even though he was pleasantly surprised that Tenten had gotten in some good hits using the senbon training from Haku, Naruto still knew how this was going to end. It really was the worst possible match up for Tenten.

It wasn't until Tenten was descending from the blonde Suna nin's wind attack that Naruto remembered what it was that had severely annoyed him. Unfortunately, he was too late to stop what was going to happen, and winced when the brunette landed back first on the older girl's fan. Now while he couldn't stop that, he could do something about what came next. As the blonde violently flicked Tenten from her fan, Naruto concentrated on his chakra.

The smirking blonde's face registered shock when her formerly flying opponent suddenly stopped as if caught in a blanket of air, and began to simply float in mid air. She was even more shocked when the little blond kid appeared right next to the girl in a swirl of leaves. It was a testament to his annoyance that he didn't even bother trying to spice his Shunshin up.

"Bad form, blondie." Naruto said from next to the floating Tenten. "I guess my initial assessment of your group was wrong, and Gaara is the only shinobi with any common decency that the Sand village sent for these exams. I thought you were a lady of class and dignity, but you're just an arrogant bully like that kabuki reject teammate of yours who tried to pick on the Hokage's eight year old grandson."

Said redhead cocked his head in interest. He'd never been compared to his siblings and been labeled the good one before. Gaara found that he rather liked that. Kankurou winced as several different blasts of killing intent were leveled at him, two of them Kage level interestingly enough. What he didn't know, was that Orochimaru planned to flay him alive if his bullying antics had jeopardized his plans for Konoha in any way. Even his own sensei was glaring at him for potentially causing an international incident that couldn't be excused or swept under the rug. Foreign shinobi attacking a civilian child was punishable by death no matter what village you were in, and the offending shinobi's village almost always had to pay restitutions on top of that.

"What do you know?" Temari asked, inwardly bristling at the slight.

"I know that if you had been given as bad a match up as she had, you'd have lost just as quickly." Naruto said. "So you might want to consider yourself lucky you didn't get such an unfavorable pairing before you start bragging about a situation that was entirely in your favor. I can easily see four match-ups just with the people that's left, that you'd have no chance of winning."

"You talk too much, kid." Temari taunted, curious despite herself.

"And you better hope that we don't meet in the finals, because I'm going to embarrass you even worse than you tried to do to Tenten. And that is a promise." Naruto said.

When Shikamaru Nara and Kin Tsuchi were called to the arena, Naruto gave a bored sigh. Sure, watching Lee grumble over not being able to fight yet was amusing, but it wasn't that funny.

This was another match Naruto didn't have to see to know who would win. In his old life, Kin had seen Shikamaru fight in the forest, so knew what to expect to an extent. That allowed her to draw the match out for as long as she did, and even then it was an incredibly short fight. With her not knowing anything about him, well, this was another one that was over fairly quickly.

Not even bothering to watch, Naruto turned to his sensei, and said. "It kind of sucks, but I can't fight who I really want to fight."

"Why's that?"

"Not enough space in the tower, and too much potential for collateral damage that I can't afford to pay to replace."

"And just who is it you were hoping to fight?" Kakashi asked.

"Either Lee or Gaara." Naruto replied. Kakashi shrugged, agreeing that there would very likely be a lot of collateral damage if Naruto fought Lee. He didn't know much about how Gaara fought, but figured that Naruto was probably right, and that he'd happily cause enough damage for the both of them.

It took all of five minutes for Shikamaru to capture and incapacitate the Sound Genin, and three of that had been spent with her running her mouth. After Shikamaru was declared the winner- and annoyingly took his sweet time returning to the balcony- the time Naruto was waiting for arrived.

"The next match is...Naruto Uzumaki versus Kiba Inuzuka!"

"Finally!" Naruto exclaimed. "It's about time."

"We hit the jackpot with this one, eh Akamaru?" Kiba boasted. "We can definitely beat him. It's like we've already won the match."

"This guy really doesn't understand who he's dealing with, does he?" Sakura asked her sensei.

"Given what Naruto was like when you graduated, are you surprised?" Kakashi asked. "Besides, it'll just make things more entertaining for us who know Naruto."

'Kiba, you should never underestimate your opponent.' Kurenai thought. 'Even if he was a complete loser as you say, he's been Kakashi's student for over half a year, and that should be more than enough for you to take him seriously. Apparently, this is a lesson that you will have to learn for yourself.'

The first sign that Kiba should have heeded that it wouldn't be an easy victory- aside from what he'd done with Tenten which really should have been a eye opener- came mere seconds after their match was announced. With a simple half tiger seal, Naruto disappeared in a swirl of displaced air.

Less than a second after Naruto disappeared, the somewhat gruff voice of Temari echoed from the balcony. "Why do I feel a draft?

The answer to that question, as well as the answer to why others were noticing the same thing came milli-moments later when Naruto appeared in the arena amidst a flurry of panties. Now one might be wondering why the panties swirled when he appeared, rather than when he disappeared. Well, let's just chalk it up to Naruto being so unpredictable, that he even surprises himself sometimes.

Not surprisingly, there was pandemonium.

"Are those my panties?!" Ino shrieked.

Tenten and Kin, both with widened eyes, pulled out the front waistbands of their pants, and in shock exclaimed said shock nearly simultaneously. "SONNUVA-!" "How'd he do that?!"

It was also about this time, that some random shinobi who was far too observant for their own good- and who would likely be killed off, off screen during the invasion- decided to speak up. "Hey, aren't you two supposed to be unconscious in the infirmary right now?"

Tenten and Kin- who just so happened to be standing next to each other- turned to the other with abashed looks on their faces. "Ehehe, oops!" Tenten spoke. "Right, we'll just be going now."

And with that, they both disappeared in a swirl of senbon, and weren't thought about very much for the rest of the prelims by those in the testing area.

It was about this time that Sakura made an interesting discovery. Unlike the other women in the room, she still had her panties on. Now one might think she'd be glad for this, but in actuality, she was feeling oddly left out, especially when she noticed how hard Sasuke was staring at the garments surrounding Naruto. 'How come he didn't take mine?' She couldn't help asking.

The simple answer was, he didn't think she'd appreciate it. And since she was his teammate, and even somewhat becoming a close friend, Naruto decided that he wasn't going to include her in his pranks anymore. Subconsciously, the Shunshin picked up on these intentions, and neglected to take Sakura's panties. Now as for why he took Hinata's, since she obviously means more to him, well, he knew how she'd react to it.

Hinata gasped as she felt a distinct lack of fabric between her pants and her lower naughty bits. It was no surprise that her face turned almost as red as a fire engine. "N-Naruto-sama...h-has my..." She only just kept from fainting with excitement. Although, she did express it in another, potentially more embarrassing way.

"Oh my, is it drafty in here?" Anko crooned, leering at damn near everyone to see who was looking at the flimsy string she tried to pass off as panties. Hey 'Ruka-kun liked them so she couldn't give two shits about anyone else's opinion. Besides, they weren't anything she'd wear on a mission, or even on duty, but around the village on her days off, well, why not?

Naruto, who was surprisingly embarrassed, looked down, and noticed a rather interesting pair. Picking them up by the waistband, Naruto stared shocked at a pair of black panties with a dancing tanuki on them. "Uh, whose are these?" Naruto asked, hoping he was wrong.

The freakishly cute redhead standing next to Gaara did a similar check to two unconscious kunoichi that will not be named, before raising her hand. The kabuki reject standing next to her sputtered wide eyed.

"What?" She snapped at the brother that she really disliked for some reason she still couldn't explain. "They're cute."

"Well, at least you're wearing clothes." Naruto muttered just a bit too loudly. "You make a disturbingly hot girl."

Both Gaara and his pseudo twin blushed. Sadly, this was more than Kankurou could take. "H-He...S-SHE...THEY BLUSHED!" He screamed, right before he fainted with spastic twitch.

Not exactly sure how he knew- though almost certain of the suspect that had funneled the information- Naruto noticed that there were too few pairs of panties. "Hmm, the number of underthings doesn't match the number of girls here, someone's going commando."

To everyone's shock, the extremely straight laced Kurenai was the one who developed shifty eyes, and began nervously shuffling behind her student. Her actions didn't go unnoticed.

"S-sensei?" Hinata asked her mentor/mother figure in shock, and somewhat awe at her audacity.

"M-my washing machine is acting up." Kurenai protested.

"Oooooh, and in that outfit too." Anko teased her best friend while licking her lips. "Naughty, naughty Nai-chan."

Now, it may come as a shock to you, or maybe not, but Neji wasn't even tempted to activate his Byakugan. With all of the distractions pulling attention away from him, it was the perfect chance for an eye feast. Now one could make all sorts of comments about his sexuality- or even his lack thereof- but I'd like to call it dedication. I mean, he'd have to seriously, seriously be dedicated to his hatred of all things Main House to ignore a chance at a free peak- especially a peek at commando going Kurenai's goodies. But I digress.

Before anyone could comment further, a pair of panties suddenly dropped onto Naruto's head, coming by way of flying missle from the infimary. Pulling them from his head, Naruto found himself holding a very familiar pair of sky blue, lace panties. Unbidden, thoughts of the day he'd accidentally walked in on Haku while she was dressing came to his mind. Seeing a completely nude Haku nearly bent at the waist, with a pair of panties around her ankles was not a sight he'd soon forget. Hell, it wasn't something he'd ever forget.

In the infimary, and unsure just how she knew her boyfriend was the culprit, Haku suddenly gasped in aroused indignation. "Naruto-sama!"

Zabuza, who was standing against a far wall- on security detail- raised his hairless brow. He didn't know what had sparked that exclamation, but from the way it sounded, and his daughter's very deep blush, he could guess. Only Naruto could make her happy, indignant, and mildly aroused at the same time.

"Just make sure you don't end up pregnant before you turn 18." After thinking about it for a second, he ammended that statement. "On second thought, make it twenty. I'm not about to be the father of a teenage mother. It looks bad, and will call my already questionable parenting further into question."

Back in the arena, Naruto apologized for the accidental panty theft, and with two random seals, called. "Return Panties to Owners no Jutsu."

Surprisingly, no one called him on what was obviously a bullshit jutsu, lending further credit to what that Chuunin had told the Sand team when they'd arrived at the tower- as if his Shunshin hadn't done that already. Unfortunately for the girls and women, while the jutsu sent the panties back to their owners, it did not put them back on. Naruto was good, but he wasn't that good. Naruto didn't fail to notice that three pairs of panties- disturbingly enough a pair of grannies with a musical note on them- heading in the direction of the infirmary.

What this ended up doing, was letting everyone get a glimpse at who was wearing which pair of naughties as the undergarments returned to their owners. While Naruto found some of them quite predictable (Hinata's cute blue ones with an even cuter dancing koala and Anko's flimsy string), there were others that were a complete shock, like Ino's leopard print thong and Temari's rather risque choice. Speaking of...

Baki and Gaara stared blankly at Temari in shock when a lace g-string collided with her chest.

"Those are...nice." Fem!gaara said, tilting her head cutely.

"I think I just entered puberty." Gaara muttered squirming. "And something tells me that I should feel very disturbed by that fact."

Baki, who was palming his face, added. "I feel like a dirty old man about now."

"Oh god, I'll never live this down." Temari groaned, thankful that at least Kankurou was still unconscious. Maybe she should have taken that blond a little more seriously when he said he'd humiliate her.

Ironically enough, Naruto not taking her panties worked in Sakura's favor. When he noticed the lack of garments flying towards Sakura, Sasuke turned wide eyes to his female teamate. Sakura blushed under the intense scrutiny of her crush, never knowing the very wrong conclusions he'd drawn, and that her potential stock had just risen out of the definitely never column, into the potentially considered.

Noticing that Kiba was too busy staring at the numerous pairs of visible panties- as well as their owners- to join him for the match, Naruto decided to help him along. "Come on dog boy, I don't have all day." With a burst of chakra, Naruto force shunshined Kiba down to the floor in an identical swirl of undies. Only this time, it was the men feeling the lack of garment.

"Ugh, gross." Kiba said pulling a pair of tighty whities with the Hyuuga symbol on them from his head.

"Oooh, he's good." Anko said, grinning widely. Naruto pulled a face at the pile of garments, until a particular pair on the top caught his attention, and distracted his disgust. Pulling a pair of tongs from a conveniently placed plothole, Naruto lifted a bikini style thong with the Hatake clan symbol on the crotch.

"Kakashi-sensei?" He asked, freaked out from far more information about his sensei than he wanted to know.

Feeling all eyes on him, Kakashi shrugged. "They're a rental?" Naruto raised an eyebrow in disbelief. "Plothole?"

"Works for me." Naruto said, shrugging. Plothole meant that Kakashi didn't have to explain it, and he wouldn't have to think about it.

In the midst of all of the craziness, Shikamaru was unsurprising the only person to notice that all of this insanity had happened before Naruto's match had even started. If this was the kind of chaos he was capable of creating beforehand, something told him that things were only going to get more interesting, and Shika didn't do Naruto's kind of interesting. He was suddenly not liking Kiba's chances at winning, and a strong gut instinct told him that he was going to be severely scarred for life by the time this match ended.

Once the undergarments had been cleared from the arena, the match was finally ready to start. Just to mess with his opponent, Naruto decided to open the battle the same way as last time.

"Hey, are you going to let that puppy fight?" Naruto asked, his tone accusing.

"Akamaru and I-" Naruto interrupted him.

"Hush Kiba-chan, Akamaru and I are talking." The blond chastized. "Didn't your mother teach you not to interrupt when grown ups are speaking? Bad puppy." He then addressed the little white companion. "Now, as I was trying to say, are you sure you want to let that puppy fight, Akamaru? It's not very responsible of you."

"I'll show you puppy, Dobe." Kiba spat. "Akamaru, you stay out of this, I'll beat him alone."

Up in the balcony, Sasuke glared at the Inuzuka for daring to steal his name for the Dobe. He hoped Naruto humiliated the usurper, in a fitting fashion.

As the proctor raised his hand, a voice from the balcony yelled. "Naruto, don't you dare lose to this guy!"

"Tch, I'll save you the embarrassment of trying to fight by ending this in one shot." Kiba boasted.

"Tough talk from the weak link of a pair of puppies." Naruto replied.

"Cough...begin." Hayate said.

"Shikyaku no Jutsu!" Kiba growled, drawing chakra, and gaining a more feral canine appearance. The adjustment was very minute, but every Jounin level shinobi in the room saw Naruto's shift in stance. Perhaps this would be more interesting than they'd been led to believe. Kakashi smirked behind his mask. Kiba has no idea what he's in for.

Darting across the short expanse, Kiba struck Naruto, sending him flying backwards, landing with a thud. "Heh, he won't be opening his eyes for awhile referee."

"I knew it." Ino said, smirking, and just a bit disappointed. "Naruto could never beat Kiba."

Sakura glared over at her rival for speaking ill of her teammate. Naruto was better than this- she'd seen him hold his own against Sasuke and Haku after all, and the the latter was much faster than Kiba- and she was sure there was a reason he'd taken that hit. 'Besides, he's taken harder hits from much stronger shinobi than Kiba.'

'Hmm, forgot how fast he was when he went all mutt.' Naruto thought, looking at the bottom of the balcony. 'Still, nothing I can't handle. I just need to get my timing down.'

Climbing to his feet with a groan, Naruto grinned at the dognin. "Is that all you got?"

"What?" The boy said, shocked that Naruto had gotten up.

"Don't underestimate me, Kiba." Naruto said. "Seriously, even if he hasn't taught me very much, the simple fact that I was trained by Kakashi Hatake should mean that I'm not a pushover."

"What are you talking about?" Kiba spat. "I knocked you on your ass before you could even blink, and you're acting tough."

"I let you hit me to test your strength and speed, you mangy mutt. Have to say I'm a little disappointed; though I guess it is a bit unfair to compare you to your very sexy sister, let alone that MILF you call a mom. Maybe you should just go on and use Akamaru."

Smirking, Kiba crouched again, and charged his blond opponent. Naruto just stood there, not reacting to Kiba's attack in the slightest. Then suddenly, at the last second, Naruto disappeared. In his place just so happened to be a dozen or so foot long dog biscuits. Coming out of his Shunshin, Naruto gave Kiba a foxy grin.

"I told you not to underestimate me, dogbreath." Naruto declared. "Why don't you go have a bone?" Glaring at the snickers coming from the Konoha section at the dog biscuits, Kiba growled in anger.

"Fine, you'll regret this." Kiba boasted, grabbing a couple of smoke balls, and throwing them at Naruto.

Coughing up a storm, Naruto ran from the cloud, only to be attacked by Akamaru. "Ha, fell for it."

Kiba's confidence was short lived, however, when Akamaru bit down on what he thought was Naruto, and his opponent disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"What, Kage Bunshin?" Shikamaru said. "I guess he's really not that Naruto, anymore."

Not knowing what to do, the puppy ran back to his partner, and looked on. When the smoke finally cleared, Naruto stood there smirking. "My turn."

Mimicking the seals he'd seen Kiba use, Naruto called. "Shikyaku no Jutsu!" Like Kiba, Naruto was using his chakra to become more feral, but he wasn't using the Inuzuka clan jutsu. While the upper level ninja could tell this, the Genin couldn't, which made it look all the more impressive. Going down on all fours, Naruto darted across the arena even faster than Kiba had, and elbowed him in the chest, sending him ass over foot.

Grinning at the struggling to his feet Kiba, Naruto taunted. "If you're going to get serious, now would be the time to do so."

"Fine, if that's what you want." Kiba said climbing to his feet, feeding a soldier pill to Akamaru, and taking one himself. When Kiba squatted down and placed his hands in the tiger seal, Akamaru jumped onto his back. "Juujin Bunshin!" He yelled as Akamaru turned into a clone of himself.

"Ugh, ugly times two." Naruto said. "That's awfully mean of you Kiba, making Akamaru look like you. I thought Inuzuka were supposed to care about their partners like family."

Naruto heard several half aborted snorts and snickers of amusement, as did Kiba. "You'll pay for that."

With that, Kiba and Akamaru went on the attack. Naruto knew from their previous fight, that Kiba was hoping to catch him off guard, preferably in the air for the Gatsuuga, but Naruto wasn't about to make it easy for him. Unfortunately, Kiba hadn't really needed Naruto to make it easy for him- and Naruto going airborne the first time had only made his job easier- and caught him with a clever feint. Naruto learned a lesson at that moment...never underestimate your opponent, even if you know how a fight was supposed to go.

With a cry of, "Gatsuuga!", Kiba caught Naruto with his ultimate taijutsu attack.

Naruto screamed as the attack hit. He'd forgotten how much it hurt when you got hit full bore with it. Crashing to the ground, Naruto groaned in pain at all of the cuts and abrasions that attack had caused. Sure, they'd probably all be healed by the time he got home that evening, but they still hurt like a sonuva.

"Get up, Naruto!" Sakura yelled.

Climbing to his hands and knees, Naruto began to mutter. "Can't lose to the mutt...will become Hokage."

"Someone as weak as you become the Hokage?!" Kiba bragged. "You don't really think you can become a Hokage, do you?! Stop acting like you're tough. You know what, if you want a Hokage, I'll be one."

Naruto visibly stiffened at that, before a low growl enamated from him. Still, Kiba wasn't finished, and what he said next would bring about the end of any momentum that might have gone his way.

"You're such a loser, Naruto." Kiba spat as Naruto climbed to his feet. "It's not fair that someone like you can get a girl with a great rack like Hinata." A sudden, dark aura fell over Naruto.

"Are you telling me you saw my Hinata-chan's boobs?" He asked, tone venomous.

Up on the balcony, Hinata swooned hearing Naruto refer to her as his Hinata-chan. It seemed like Haku-nee was right about calling him Naruto-sama, after all. While he'd always made insinuations that she was his girlfriend, or something similar, it wasn't until after he came back from Wave, and she started calling him Naruto-sama that he'd well and truly claimed her. This was the first time that Hinata could remember Naruto-sama claiming her in such a way, so publicly though. Uh oh, she needed to calm herself, or she was going to have another accident. As those tended to be quite messy, and Haku had admonished her greatly for doing that in the presence of someone other than herself or Naruto, she had to make sure she kept calm.

"Meh, I accidentally saw her at the hotsprings with that other super hottie you're dating when I was trying to play a trick on my sister." Kiba said, not really thinking. "So I decided not to waste the opportunity, even if I did accidentally scar myself seeing Hana."

"Haku-chan?" Naruto asked, leaking KI. "You peeped on Haku-chan too?"

"Yeah, that's her name?" Kiba asked. "She was a bit skinny for my taste, but she was still gorgeous in the face, and had a pretty nice rack too. Wait, that was that other girlfriend of yours, right? I thought she looked familiar." Naruto's KI tripled.

Naruto knew that because of their close connection with dogs, and because of some instinct based issues resulting from this connection, that certain things regarding the Inuzuka had to be forgiven, because they literally couldn't help themselves sometimes. Accidentally seeing Haku or Hinata, okay a mistake, he'd let it go, because really, it could happen to anyone. Not to mention Anko didn't care one way or another if guys peeped on her, so long as they didn't try to touch and didn't do anything to disturb whatever it was she was being watched do. But blatantly staring at Hinata and Haku, and then speaking so negatively of the latter...no forgiveness was forthcoming here. As a matter of fact, playtime was over.

"Kiba-chan has been a bad puppy!" Naruto growled. "Now I have to whip you like a bad dog." Up on the balcony, Kurenai turned to Kakashi with a worried look on her face.

"Am I about to lose a student, Kakashi?" She asked.

"Normally, I'd say no, as Naruto isn't the type for senseless violence." He said. "However, I've noticed that Naruto is deadly protective of those he cares about," Kakashi decided not to add 'when he's not mercilessly teasing them'. "-and Hinata and Haku are his girlfriends, making the two very important friends, so I'd wager that he's become overly protective of them. I hope you didn't get too attached."

"Akamaru, if you're the brains of this outfit like I think you are, then I'd suggest you go up and sit with Hinata-chan until this is over." The dog looked at Naruto, then at Kiba, then back at Naruto, then back at Kiba. With what amounted to a shrug, Akamaru grabbed one of the massive biscuits littering the floor, and ran up the steps to Hinata, dragging his treat with him.

"Akamaru?!" Kiba yelled. "You traitor!"

"Smart dog." Sakura said, to which Sasuke nodded. He'd been on the receiving end of Naruto taking offense to one of his comments about Sakura, and Naruto liked Hinata and Haku waaaaay more than he did Sakura. This was about to get both ugly, and entertaining.

"You know what, it doesn't matter." Kiba boasted. "I'll do it without Akamaru. Take this, Shikyaku no Jutsu!"

Whatever they were expecting, what happened next wasn't it. As Kiba charged, Naruto reached into his equipment pouch. When Kiba got within striking distance of Naruto, the blond pulled something from his pouch and tossed it to the ground. Kiba, thinking that Naruto had used a smokebomb, immediately channeled chakra to his nose so that he'd still be able to find Naruto by his scent...and immediately regretted it.

You see, Naruto hadn't thrown a smoke bomb, but a stinkbomb. And not just any kind of stinkbomb. No, it was one he'd created using the sludge from the Konoha sewer system's septic tanks. So while yes, everyone was forced to suffer the wrath of the septic smell, Kiba got hit with it worse than anyone could conceive.

"How do you like my new super concentrated stinkbomb, mutt?" Naruto taunted. "I was going to use it to prank someone, but I thought you might appreciate it more."

Kiba grabbed his nose, stumbling away, and groaning in pain as his eyes watered from the suffering one obtained from sniffing a septic tank with a sense of smell over a thousand times normal. Bent at the waist with his back turned to Naruto was the wrong position for Kiba to be in at the moment, as a wicked gleam entered Naruto's eyes. Just because he knew it would annoy people, Naruto decided to take a page from his sensei's book.

"A shinobi should never let an enemy get behind them." Naruto called while taking a very familiar stance to the Hyuuga. "You are within range of my divination. Leaf Ancient Supreme Technique!"

Racing towards his opponent, Naruto placed his hands in the Tiger seal, and with momentum on his side, jabbed them forward. "Sennen Goroshi!"

Kiba screamed in pain as he was launched into the air. Without so much as a flinch two Kage Bunshin appeared, and with a single seal, they transformed into a giant newspaper. As Kiba descended from his flight, clutching his rear, Naruto cocked the giant paper back, and swung. THWACK!

"This is for peeping on Haku and Hinata. BAD PUPPY!" Naruto yelled, as he whacked Kiba with his weapon, sending him rolling along the floor, right into another waiting clone who'd just appeared.

"Sennen Goroshi!" The cloned yelled, again hitting Kiba with the painful probe, and sending him airborne. "And that was for implying that Haku-chan, or even Hinata-chan, are anything less than absolutely beautiful."

'That move is a lot funnier when it's being done to someone else.' Sasuke thought. 'But it still brings back bad memories.'

Embarrassed, Kakashi chanced a glance around to see if anyone was glaring at him. Thankfully, it was only Iruka; everyone else seemed more amused by the entire thing, though he did noticed the Hokage palming his face. He also just so happened to notice something else.

"Hey Kurenai, you might want to restrain your little genin." He said to his fellow sensei. "She looks like she wants to rape Naruto."

Surprised at her students behavior, even as subtle as it was, Kurenai couldn't help jibing back. "I don't know, it might do some good for her confidence." It should be noted that even as she replied, she grabbed a hold of Hinata's jacket. The look on the girl's face told exactly how she was feeling at the moment.

The prevailing thought in Hinata's mind at that moment was. 'Must have Naruto-sama immediately. Must hug him, and kiss him, and take off his pants...and then do things to the parts exposed by taking off his pants, followed by a cuddle with pantsless Naruto-sama.'

When she came out of her perverted trance a few minutes later, Hinata would be highly embarrassed at the thoughts that had run rampant through her mind. While she'd never take the sentiment back, and she fully expected to follow through on them in a few years, she was still currently not ready for that.

As Kiba crashed into the ground, Naruto decided to give him the final blow. With his hand in the seal for his favorite jutsu- he could only create up to five sealessly- Naruto created dozens of clones that surrounded the dognin in a sea of orange clad blonds. A final, single clone, appeared, joining Kiba inside the sea of orange.

Suddenly, the arena was filled with smoke, as all but one of the clones turned into miniature versions of the Kyuubi, each about the size that Akamaru would eventually grown to, and each with their heads cocked, sporting dementedly devious grins (3). The last clone, which had also performed its own transformation, had turned into an extremely pale skinned little girl. The little girl was wearing a faded, pale yellow sundress, a pair of bright red shoes, and had her hair done up in pigtails. She was also holding a jumprope that was nearly as tall as she was even folded.

The little girl tilted her head, staring curiously at Kiba, before she burst into a fit of insane giggles that disturbed even Orochimaru, and started skipping the jumprope she was holding. Once the girl had gotten her mirth under control, she cleared her throat. Just when the audience was beginning to wonder what the point of this exceedingly over the top show was, the little girl started to sing.

"1, 2 he's coming for you. 3, 4 better run for the door." With each stanza, the girl's voice became progressively louder and more excited. "5, 6 Hafta Hide Real Quick. 7, 8 It's Far Too Late!"

Each skip of her rope also seemed to be bringing her ever closer to the dog-nin, until she was right upon him. Kiba, who was still kneeling on the ground- as that was as far as he'd gotten up before the freak show started- was too horrified to move, or to even contemplate fighting back. Suddenly, the jump rope clattered to the floor as the creepy little child leaned over so that her lips were right next to Kiba's ear.

"9, 10 here comes the end!"

The last bit was delivered in a whisper right next to Kiba's ear, but somehow the entire arena heard it. What made the whisper so much more frightening, was that it sounded more like a chorus of voices were singing in a whisper to him. With another demented giggle that sent chills up many spines, the girl disappeared in a puff of smoke.

One of the more disturbing elements of what Naruto was doing, just so happened to be the numerous Kyuubis. To most of the adults, the image was twofold. First, it was a harsh reminder of the most horrifying night of their lives, only in miniature. No one Naruto's age knew the true significance of it, but they didn't have to know to sympathize with the adults about the second highly disturbing part of the image. While the girl was singing, the Kyuubis were all swaying back and forth in rhythm to her singing, looking like an ocean of reddish-orange fur undulating in the arena.

The highly disturbed audience was distracted from these bouts of creepiness by the appearance of a rather ominous looking cloaked figure that suddenly appeared on the edge of the massive congregation of large foxes. In a further display of disturbia, the cloaked figure stepped forward, and the sea of foxes parted whereever the figure occupied space. A second step brought the figure- whom everyone assumed was Naruto- closer further parting the crowd, while the space left open behind him closed immediately. The effect was almost like dragging a stick through a pool of water; and considering the beings creating the effect, it was decidedly scarring.

Finally the figure made it through the sea of foxes, and slowly approaced the horrified Genin. Once it was standing in front of him, it glared down at his with glowing, malevolent, red eyes that no one but Kiba could see. The slight, focused Killing Intent went a long way in finishing the job the frightening eyes started, even if it wasn't enough to cause a reaction. Finally, the figure spoke.

"You have been judged, and found unworthy." The figure rasped out. "Prepare to face your end."

With that, the figure took hold of the cloak, pulled it off, and tossed it aside in one fluid motion that took less than a second. All eyes stared at the figure, horrified curiosity forcing them to look, and find out for themselves what kind of horrible, hideous creature Naruto was going to use to punish Kiba. It was for this reason that no one was expecting what they found, nor were they prepared for it.

For those that had seen it, or a version of it, before, the image of Naruto's Oiroke was a familiar, and very welcome sight. Even still, there were some very obvious differences that many had never seen before. For one, the eyes of the curvy, leggy, pigtailed blonde with whisker marks were a slit, glowing red that both made everyone wary, yet also added to her inherent sexiness (4). The beauty also had nine fox tails, and a pair of fox ears atop her head whose fur was the same golden blonde as her hair. But the biggest difference, was the bust of the girl. While normally the jutsu sported a generous bust of a large C or small D, the current proportions of the girl rivalled that of Tsunade.

Just like the normal version though, the girl was nude, with the addition that there was no smoke.

While the women and girls- except unsurprisingly Anko and Hinata for obvious, yet different reasons- all had their fits of righteouus indignation at the insult to their gender (although most of them were from jealousy, not that they'd admit it), the guys reaction was decidedly different. Every man in viewing distance of Naruto's Oiroke had a perverted reaction to it, whether it be blood from the nose- with a wide range in the volume and velocity of the letting- their pants becoming uncomfortably tight in front, or making a mess of those same pants. A couple of cases even had all three. Kankurou and Kiba ended up hospitalized with concussions due to the force of their landing, as well as severe blood loss.

It should also come as no surprise that ninety percent of the males in the room fell unconscious by way of projectile nosebleed. One particular boy, who was fairly surprised at the trickle from his own nose, cocked his head to the side, wondering if his jutsu's power would ever reach that level, and if adding tanuki parts would enhance it. He also had no trouble admitting that had that not really been a boy using a jutsu, he was certain that he would like to keep her for reasons that he didn't quite understand yet.

"I think I'd be willing to give up revenge for a girl who looked like that." Sasuke muttered, committing the image to memory using his Sharingan, just before he himself succumbed.

Even Orochimaru had mixed feelings about the attack. While he was admittedly creeped out by several parts of it, he was also highly impressed with the psychological aspect of it. It had shades of the boy's mother all over it, and that sent a shudder of magnificent proportions up his spine. It would seem that he would have to start paying a bit more attention to this brat. A talent like that, if not under his control, was far too dangerous to let grow and develop unchecked.

He was also, as any man should be, very appreciative of the nice visual the ending had provided; though he was certain that he knew whose breasts had inspired that creation, and found himself wondering how the boy had been able to see them bared, as well as survive the encounter. Still, he wasn't about to look a gift horse in the mouth, and tried to commit the heavenly sight to his memory.

Fun fact, Orochimaru wasn't at all gay. He just had the unfortunate circumstance that modeling himself after a snake- and having a great many of his plans and decisions since then formulated through the cold-blooded mental processes of a snake- and it didn't do him any favors. It also didn't help him, that when he got excited about something, his mouth tended to speak faster than his brain could filter what he was saying, and the things that came out weren't very helpful to him.

Even the freakishly creepy licking of his lips with his sickeningly long tongue was the result of a condition that forced him to constantly have to moisten his lips so they wouldn't chap. Sure, ninja could take pain, but fighting with chapped lips was just too risky. At his level, there was no way to avoid getting hit a few times in real fight, and the pain one experienced from getting hit in a chapped lip was too distracting for even well seasoned shinobi like his sensei. He'd learned that lesson the hard way during a spar with Tsunade back when the Sannin were still a team.

Inside its cage, the Kyuubi was also going through a range of reactions, including impressed, flattery, annoyed, and even just a hint of fear. It was obviously impressed with the fact that the boy had won using such a deviously crafty, Kitsune-like way to defeat his opponent. He was flattered that the boy had used his own image to give the attack a bit of a sinister boost. He was annoyed, however, at the fact that the boy had made him look like that demented hyena from that cartoon movie the boy had watched in the waiting room of that time reverse center. He was also pretty sure that him putting fox features on that jutsu of his was some kind of warning, and that left with more than a small amount of fear.

In a massive burst of smoke, Naruto dispelled all of the clones, and released his Oiroke. Sadly, he wasn't able to enjoy the moment and the feel of victory. Within moments of dispelling all of his battle tactics, he could feel all of the anti-perv glares full of KI being directed at him. Naruto winced, until he felt one particular glare full of malevolent intentions much stronger than the rest. It was also a feeling that he was very familiar with, and the cracking of knuckles only further confirmed that his female teammate intended to unleash a beating of epic proportions upon him. He wasn't having that.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you, Sakura." Naruto cautioned, the absolute seriousness in his voice startling the girl. "What I did may have offended you, but it's also common knowledge that shinobi use any and every trick and resource available to defeat an opponent. If you want to hit me, know that I'm not just going to let you hit me for doing what every ninja knows. I also happen to know the two exact pressure points that will make a girl orgasm hard enough to leave a puddle. You hit me, and I'm going to completely humiliate you by letting everyone watch you make a mess of yourself."

Still, Naruto was aware that what he'd done was offensive, and planned to make up for it. With a single handseal, Naruto disappeared, and reappeared against the arena wall. And then all hell broke loose as nearly every girl in the room made a mad dash for the place where Naruto had formerly been standing. The reason for this, when Naruto performed his Shunshin, he had disappeared in a swirl of fairly decent sized plushies, not a one smaller than the size of an infant, the largest being about as tall as Konohamaru.

Surprisingly, despite the speed with which some of the higher ranked women were moving, two seperate hands made of sand beat them to it. Given his connection to the Ichibi, Gaara's sand was faster than his sort-of twin's. This allowed him to grab the largest plushie, which just so happened to be a large brown teddy bear that was eerily similar to the one he'd had when he was a child. He let a small smirk cross his lips when said sort-of twin turned to glare at him, even as her sand grabbed the next largest plushie, which just so happened to be a child sized tanuki.

Hinata, who had learned the Shunshin from Haku, wound up getting the next two largest plushies, surprising both Anko and Kurenai who arrived just behind her. The Hyuuga heiress grabbed two of cuddlies, a cartoonishly cute version of the Kyuubi for herself, and a floppy eared bunny for Haku. Anko grinned as she spied a fairly large boa, and snagged it, draping it around her shoulders. Kurenai, not exactly sure why, found herself drawn to one of the smaller plushies, one that just so happened to be a monkey. Shortly after Temari grabbed a decent sized black and white tiger, the other girls converged on the plushies.

Once everyone that wanted a plushie had claimed one, and had made their way back to their prior locations, girl Gaara shrugged, and reaching out with her sand, snatched several others that she'd liked. Once he was sure that the rush was over, Naruto calmly walked over to the pile, and pulled out a Panda and a small tiger of more normal coloring. Once he'd done that, Naruto pulled a small storage tag- something that he kept on him just in case- and sealed the rest inside. He then walked over, and handed the tag to the Hokage, asking him to deliver them to the orphanage for Christmas.

Since there was already a bit of a delay due to the near battle that had broken out, the Hokage decided to call a ten minute interlude, so that everyone would have a chance to recover, as well as put their underpants back on. During this interlude, Naruto and Hinata went to visit Haku- who they'd only learned was going to be part of the medical staff maybe five minutes before the candidates were called for the prelims. After sharing a kiss with his girlfriend that Zabuza glared at, Hinata presented her with the bunny, earning her own kiss. While he was sure it was the heat of the moment, it was a very nice surprise to his vision sight. Naruto then set the panda on the small table by Tenten's bed, and the tiger near Kin's, earning kisses from both his girlfriends for thoughtfulness.

Once the interlude was over, the proctor gestured for the tech people to run the board. Just as Naruto remembered, the next two names were...

"Hinata Hyuuga and Neji Hyuuga." Naruto frowned, knowing Neji's issues with the Main House in general, and for some reason with Hinata specifically. He didn't know what Neji's problem was, but he wasn't going to let Hinata get hurt because Neji was trying so hard to be Fate's Bitch. Easing his way over to the young Hyuuga, Naruto got his attention.

"Hey Neji, I just wanted to warn you." Naruto started. "I know you have issues with the Main House, but Hinata is not the one you should be taking them out on."

Neji glared at his cousin, practically ignoring the warning. He didn't care what anyone thought, she would pay. Forget his uncle, forget his father, forget the blond that had somewhat unnerved him, Hinata had to suffer. Had this been several months ago, he would have only punished for being a pampered Main House brat. But after what she'd done to him...no, she would suffer like she never had before. Being forced to tattoo 'Property of Naruto' on her behind the day after the rumors of Naruto's interest in her were confirmed had been horrible. Being forced, just a few weeks ago to retouch the abomination, and add -sama to the end was one step too far (5).

As Hinata was preparing to head down to the arena, Kurenai offered to hold Hinata's plushie, and found herself wishing she'd been fast enough to get one of the larger ones like Hinata had for herself. Sitting the large fox down next to her, she perched her little monkey on its back, praying that Hinata wasn't hurt too badly. While she knew Hinata had improved greatly, and even moreso ever since she'd officially become Naruto's girlfriend, she held no illusions that Hinata could beat her prodigious cousin. Neji was easily the most naturally gifted Hyuuga she'd ever seen, and was on course to surpass both his father and uncle by the time he was twenty.

Despite the fact that he knew what the outcome of the match was going to be, Naruto cheered his girlfriend on, encouraging her to kick Neji's ass. As the match went on, Naruto's feelings of dislike towards Neji grew and grew. Objectively, Naruto knew that it was the same match, but it seemed that having feelings for Hinata made it seem much worse this time. Still, he couldn't help but be even more proud of Hinata this time around. Her training with Haku had allowed her to actually hit him three times: once on the left shoulder, and one time on each leg.

Finally, it was all but officially over. While she was still standing, she was defenseless, and in no shape to continue. That shot to the gut had looked really painful, and unless he was mistaken, there had been a lot more oomph to the attack than he remembered. His thoughts were interrupted by the rage filled yell of Neji, and his charging her. Unlike last time, Naruto wasn't going to just sit there doing nothing. Bringing his hands up into a seal, Naruto performed a quick substitution.

Everyone watched in shock as Hinata was replaced with Kankurou's puppet, and the young Leaf kunoichi appeared behind the Sand nin.

"More special treatment for the Main House princess." Neji grunted from the near chokehold his sensei had on him. Naruto Shunshined over to Hinata as she collapsed. Doing a quick diagnostic jutsu he'd learned from Sakura in his former life- the only one he was capable of- Naruto found that while Hinata was in bad shape, she was still likely in better shape than she'd been last time around. Her heart beat was stable and strong, so that was a good sign.

"Saving her now won't do her any good." Neji spat. "In the end, a loser is a loser."

"Neji, right now, you don't want to test me." Naruto growled back, returning to the arena floor with Hinata in his arms bridal like. "For as long as I can remember, I've been called a monster by the villagers. For you, I'd be willing to embody that claim."

"Heh."

"Naruto-" Kakashi said in warning as the medics took Hinata from the blond, and got her situated on a stretcher. Glaring, Naruto knelt, coating his fingers in the blood that Hinata had coughed up. Standing, he lifted his arm, and pointed his fist at Neji.

"On Hinata's blood, I promise that I will break you." Had he not been glaring at Neji, he might have noticed the shocked looks on several faces.

Naruto stubbornly followed as Hinata was being led into the medical area, and hovered around the medics as they worked, making a nuisance of himself. He was finally shooed away by Haku, who informed him that her condition was stable, and that she would just fine in a week or so.

888

By the time Naruto returned to the arena, Lee had alreay removed his weights, and looked about ready to cut loose with the Primary Lotus. As he made his way back to the spot where his team was, the clone he'd left popped, and a set of very amusing memories came to him.

Flashback

When the match had been initially called, Gaara had done something that no one expected. Turning to his sensei, he handed his bear to Baki, and said.

"Guard this with your life, or I might decide to revert to old habits for nostalgia's sake." Leaving the paling man behind, he made his way down the steps to the arena.

888

Another featured Lee standing on top of the statue holding his weights. His clone had grinned, just waiting to see the reactions when Lee's weights hit the ground. And a few seconds later, he knew how Gai felt the first time around watching all of the shocked looks.

End Flashback

There had been some other memories, but that was the bulk of the good stuff. As he was about to turn back to watch Lee get going- it really was an inspiration to see- a swirl of sand interrupted him, and found himself accosted by Gaara's sexy twin. The person standing in front of him- seriously invading his personal space- was the only one he knew that could seriously freak him out, while at the same time give him happy tingles. Without any preamble, or even meaningless small talk to lead up to it, she told him exactly why she'd just come to him.

"I wish to procreate with you. Mother says our offspring will be strong." Fem!Gaara informed him in a matter of fact way.

"Uhm, that's nice and all, and I'm really flattered, but I'm kind of already seeing someones..." Naruto said, wondering- but not sure he really wanted to actually know- how fem!Gaara could still communicate with the Ichibi.

"That is irrelevant. You were able to take my panties without me knowing, and you gave me these." A sandpile holding a quartet of plushies was pushed up into his face.

"But-" Naruto tried to protest.

"Mother says that when a boy takes your panties or gives you gifts, he wants to procreate with you. You did both." She reminded him. "You also taught boy me how to make people bleed without killing them. That is a very meaningful gift, one that speaks of intended longterm relations. As such, I wish to have your children in honor of your desires to procreate with me."

"Ooh boy." Naruto said with a sigh. 'NB you're a sick, twisted, highly demented human being.'

"Seriously Naruto, you keep saying this like it's new news." NB confirmed, not bothered in the slightest by the insult; actually taking it as a compliment.

Luckily for Naruto, that was about the time that Lee had finished opening the fifth gate of Hachimon, and went apeshit. While hitting her twin had slightly impressed her, the way that Lee was currently dominating Gaara had gained her complete attention. As Lee slammed Gaara into the ground with the Reverse Lotus, the incredibly hot young woman had a sudden change of heart. While she would undoubtedly be able to produce stronger offspring with Naruto, her body was having a greater reaction to the boy in green. It was his offspring that she desired to have, even if they would not be as powerful as ones created with Naruto would have been.

As Gaara laid on the blanket of sand that had once been his gourd, he had to admit that he didn't like this feeling. For someone who had never been hit before, it was an unpleasant experience. Sure, he'd always wanted to feel pain, maybe even bleed a little, but he wanted to experience it a little at time, to build up a tolerance for it like normal people. He did not like what was happening, and this boy that kept hitting him was starting to make him angry. Gaara didn't like getting angry, because it led to him doing things that one couldn't apologize for. Not only that, but it could make him revert back to his former blood letting tactics, and he really didn't like those anymore.

It was time to end this fight. Using as much sand as he could gather, he sent it towards Lee with the intention of wrapping the boy up. Right before Gaara's sand struck, a swirl of sand appeared next to a defenseless Lee, and a second wall of sand blocked the incoming one from the prone Gaara. Fem!Gaara glared at her 'twin'.

"Remember what Naruto-niisan said about killing?" She reminded him.

Gaara gave his sligtly older twin a glare for ruining his small measure of payback. When she returned it with a cute frown of her own, Gaara shrugged and recalled his sand. It wasn't like he planned to kill or maim the boy, he was just going to smack him around a bit. A shunshin later, he was back with his team, and retreiving his precious from his sensei, checking it over thoroughly for any damage. The cute redhead in the arena then turned to Lee.

"You hit Gaara-kun...I shall have your children instead." She declared.

"NANI?!" Lee questioned.

"Oh Lee, I'm so proud." Gai yelled in support, appearing next to his favorite pupil half a second later, no jutsu involved. "The youthful blossoming of love resulting from a youthful exchange of fists between shinobi."

"G-Gai-sensei?" Lee pleaded.

"I shall take your inability to respond as confirmation of compliance." Fem!Gaara asserted.

"Eh?" Was all the response Lee could manage.

"Congratulations Lee, on gaining such a youthful desert flower as she for a wife." Gai suggested. "As soon as the exams are over, we will have to step up your training. If you are to properly please your lady friend, you must be able to perform 100 push ups with your tongue like your sensei. I must warn you though, it is not an easy undertaking."

"Dibs on spandex guy." Some female shinobi called, her voice heavily laced with lecherous perversion.

'Damn, I take it back.' Naruto thought. 'NB is good. Wouldn't have ever thought of that one. And he technically got Gai laid all in one go. Good luck, Lee, you'll need it, but you'll be glad for it once you've finished.'

Naruto could certainly attest to the difficulty and greatness of that training. In his past life he'd gotten Gai to teach him the technique once he'd started getting over Sakura; or at least that's what he made Gai think when he tried to learn it. While he'd never gotten the chance to use it himself, he'd seen the aftermath of Lee using it on Tenten after she'd volunteered to help him test his new technique, and could admit that he was impressed.

As much as he admired the man, Lee could only stare wide eyed between his sensei and the girl who'd just told him she'd be having his children.

"Due to the young lady's interference, the winner of this match is Sabaku no Gaara." Hayate interrupted, before calling for the last two fighters.

The last match was Dosu Kinuta versus Chouji Akimichi. Naruto didn't bother watching this match for two reasons. The first being the simple, yet sad, fact that Shikamaru was currently the only genin on that team who was any real threat in a one on one fight...unless you called Chouji fat, then he might become a problem. The second, was that regardless of the fact that he was going to win this match, Dosu wasn't going to make it to the finals. While Naruto was sure that Gaara was putting his homicidal tendencies behind him, the fact was that Dosu was likely going to do something stupid to really piss his friend off.

Eventually, the winners were lined up in front of the Hokage, where he began explaining the next part of the exams. Naruto half tuned him out, already planning for fights against Neji, Temari, and Gaara, as they were his most likely opponents. He wasn't too worried about Shino, as his bugs could gorge themselves, and he'd still have plenty of chakra for a couple hundred Kage Bunshin.

Naruto was snapped back to awareness when Anko brought the box with the number slips around. Reaching in, and grabbing a slip, Naruto wasn't all that surprised to find that he had number one again. Once everyone had their numbers, the Hokage asked them all to call them out. As he listened to the numbers, something in his mind told him that something was off, but he couldn't for the life of him figure it out. What he did know, was that he'd be facing Neji, Gaara and Sasuke were fighting again, then Temari and Shikamaru, followed by Kankurou and Dosu, with the winner facing Shino. This pretty much meant that the catsuit perv was facing Shino in the last match.

Turning to Neji, Naruto gave him a deadly smirk. "I'll see you in a month, Neji."

"If you think you can, you're welcome to try." Neji said with a smirk.

"I'm giving you a fair warning, Neji." Naruto said. "Your fate rests with Hinata. Whatever the outcome of her health and well-being is, you will share in her fate. If she recovers, then so will you, eventually. If her shinobi career is ended, so too will yours. If she dies... if I were you, I'd pray she doesn't."

"Why should I care if a loser dies?" Neji spat. "Why should I care if her loser boyfriend is offended?

Naruto's eyes flashed red. "Because the inhumane atrocities that I will visit upon you Neji will make even a sick bastard like Orochimaru lose his breakfast." Naruto inwardly grinned, when Neji's eyes narrowed. Scare tactics, gotta love them.

Up in the stands, Gai turned to his rival. "Kakashi?" Gai asked, somewhat fearfully for his student's health.

"I would suggest making sure Hinata has the best medical care available in the village." Kakashi said.

"Naruto wouldn't really kill him, would he Kakashi-sensei?" Sakura asked.

"Not only would he do it without hesitation, but something tells me he would do it slowly just to make Neji suffer."

"But?"

"Sakura, think about what Neji did, and whom he did it to."

"I guess it's a good thing killing is allowed in the exams, then." She said gulping.

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1. gelbooru . com, search 'easytoon uzumaki_naruto' exactly as is without the ''; only zaku didn't land on his feet

2. think Mizore Shirayuki (Rosario Vampire) from the thighs up, and Karin from the same place down

3. think ed from Lion King

4. gelbooru . com, search 'chiba_toshirou naruko collar'; same procedure as above; like this with noted additions

5. gelbooru . com, search 'monkeyjay hyuuga_hinata'; same procedure as above; instead of jay, says Property of Naruto-sama

excuses

! narufemkyuufan

shunshin

thanks to batamut for the slime shunshin

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Omake

This is an alternate version of Haku and Hinata's reaction to the panty stealing by Sketchfan.

Hinata: Naruto-sama?

Naruto: Awww don't be like that. I didn't take yours, because you're my cute little sweet mama.

Hinata: *cute pout*

Naruto: How about I take them off of you later, personally

Hinata: ...R-really?

Naruto: I promise when we're older, I'd feel kinda like a dirty pervert if I did it now.

Hinata: *cute pout*

Naruto: Don't forget, I never break a promise.

Hinata: O-okay, 'cause it's you.

Naruto: That's my girl. How about I let you help me take off Haku's?

Hinata: D-deal.

Haku: *sneezes, blushes* Hmmm, Naruto-sama and Hinata-chan must be talking about me. And it's something sexy

Zabuza: Just make sure you don't end up pregnant before you turn 18.

Haku: *shiver down spine*

Zabuza: Make it twenty, I'm not about to be the father of a teenage mother.

Omake 2

This is an alternate to the meeting with the fox if I'd gone the other route, and gave Naruto a normal cliche harem featuring Naruto fandom characters with ovaries. This means any male that most fans refuse to believe are male, or any character who is ambiguous enough that we can make them female, or any character whose gender is not specified, which allows us to assign genders as we please.

"Okay fox, you're either going to be a caring parental figure that teaches me the way of the Kitsune," Naruto grinned at the glaring red eyes. "Or an extremely sexy part of my harem, your choice."

"And what makes you think that, you devolved monkey?" Kyuubi spat. Naruto could tell he was going to have to make another midnight sake run- since the Hokage wouldn't let him buy it anymore- because a sober fox was a bitchy fox.

"You can see everything that happens to me, right." The fox nodded. "You saw what happened with the bloodline, Haku, and the snake pedo, correct." The fox glared, but nodded. "Pick one." Kyuubi's eyes widened as it caught the blonde's meaning. It glared at its vessel for several moments, before being engulfed in a swirl of smoke. What stepped out of the said smoke was a red headed, wet dream incarnate.

"Sexy enough?" She said, glaring at him. When Naruto gave an enthusiastic nod, you could just see the corner of her mouth twitch. She'd never admit it, but Kyuubi was impressed.

"Now we just have to figure out a way for you to get out of the seal without being a danger to me, my family and friends, and the village, and we can really have some fun." The fox gave him an inward smirk. What that brat didn't know, was that she had used the sexy, toned figure of the boy's own mother. Yes, she'd bide her time, and wait until he was making love to her to reveal that little tidbit.

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Well, there you have it. Another chapter of me trying to scar my readers into insanely massive therapy bills. Hope you enjoyed it.

Question: Am I the only one wondering when Kishimoto is going to take Sasuke's dick out of his mouth, and show some love to the character whose name is on the fucking manga? I mean seriously, hasn't Sasuke been powered up enough with that Eternal Mangekyo, does he really need to be given one of the two decent power ups that Naruto has been allowed to enoy? I guess it was just too much to allow Naruto to have something of his own. I don't know about you, but giving Sage mode to Orochimaru, Kabuto, and possibly Sasuke has completely devalued it. I mean, if you were going to go giving it to everyone else all along, then why even bother giving it to Naruto?