Naruto: A Cliche Parody

by NarutosBrat

This is a parody of all the most cliche plotlines in fanfiction that I can fit in to this story. Rated M for consistency.

6. A Cliche Interlude

Chapter Interlude

Disclaimer: If you're a guy, it's best to avoid going for an OB-GYN. Terribly invasive, and highly uncomfortable.

Also, DMX- well, the rather poor celebrity impersonator that we hired- appears courtesy of a large #1 with extra Mac Sauce.

88888888

Two days after the completion of the prelims found Kakashi walking lazily down the hall towards the room that held the Hyuuga heiress, dreading the conversation that he was about to have. If there was one thing he knew from both personal experience, and from eyewitness accounts, it was that trying to talk an Uzumaki- who'd firmly made up their mind- out of something was extremely difficult on normal occasions. When you add in the inherited stubbornness that both Kushina and now Naruto seemed to have in spades, it only became that much more difficult. And when you added in a desire for revenge for something done to a loved one...usually it was best to just pretend you were unaware it was going to happen. Still, he couldn't allow Naruto to go through with this, no matter how much her personally felt Neji deserved an ass kicking for what he did.

A testament to his frustration was the fact that his beloved book was still sitting in his pouch, and both of his hands were shoved into his pants pockets.

Upon reaching the room and opening the door, Kakashi momentarily forgot about the conversation he was dreading when his eyes landed upon the occupants. Now, the only people in the room were Naruto and Hinata, and that in itself wasn't all that shocking- especially since Naruto's other girlfriend was still on duty until later that afternoon. What was shocking was the position that he found the two youngsters in. Hinata was laying in the bed, seemingly sleeping, while Naruto was keeping a vigilant watch at her bedside. His hand held one of her fairly smaller ones pressed to his lips in the same place that guys tended to when they were trying to charm a girl...well the ones that knew how to do it anyway. The biggest difference, was that Naruto looked on the verge of dispair. Okay, so it was less dispair, and more impatiently annoyed, but he certainly looked unhappy. Kakashi smiled, remembering Naruto's father in this exact position with his mother after a Kyuubi accident.

Still, as much as he wanted to watch the endearing scene, he and Naruto needed to talk. "Naruto, could you come with me for a bit?" Naruto gave the him a raised eyebrow, before nonchalantly creating a Kage Bunshin that took his place when he stood, and following him out of the room.

Once they'd cleared the hospital, and made it to the roofs, Kakashi led Naruto to the Team 7 training grounds. Taking a seat on the bridge rail, he stared at his student. "Naruto, I understand how you feel about what Neji did to Hinata, and I certainly don't blame you. I'm also aware of the near futility of trying to talk an Uzumaki out of doing something they've decided upon, but-" He trailed off when he saw Naruto smirking. "What?"

"I don't plan to kill Neji." He said. "Maybe embarrass him to the point of mental breakdown, but I won't kill him."

"Okay, huh?"

"Letting Neji think I'm going to be inconsolable with rage, and therefore either easy pickings for his superior mind, or a monster that he doesn't want to confront is a good psychological advantage, ne?" Kakashi couldn't help but agree, although he couldn't really ever fathom such a tactic coming from Naruto. Then again, with everything he'd seen so far, why was he still surprised when Naruto did things like this? Shaking his head, and thankful that he'd dodged a bullett, he gave Naruto the other bit of information he'd wanted him to have.

"Right, well, I want everyone to meet me here tomorrow," Kakashi told him. "I'm calling in a favor to get you some training for the finals."

"Kakashi-sensei, don't forget about someone for Sakura to train with, too; even if it's just temporarily joining another team. Just because she didn't make the finals doesn't mean she should be given a month off of nothing."

"I notice that you didn't mention Sasuke." Kakashi teased.

"You're going to be training Sasuke personally for his fight with Gaara, so I didn't need to." Naruto answered.

"How did you know?" Kakashi asked.

"I didn't, but I figured that was the most logical reason." Naruto answered. "That, and I decided to give you the benefit of doubt. After all, you wouldn't willingly flake on the training of your beloved sensei's son for something as important as the Chuunin Exams finals, right?"

"Y-you know?"

"How else do you think I knew so much about the Yondaime?" Naruto asked. "Besides, it would defeat the purpose of sneaking into the records department to not learn something right. I confronted jiji about what I found, and he decided to just tell me."

"Right then, meet at ten, and I do mean at ten." Naruto raised a brow. "Yes, I will be there on time. After all, I wouldn't flake on your training for something as important as the Chuunin Exam Finals, right?"

"Hey Kakashi-sensei?" Naruto suddenly asked. "You know that Sasuke can't beat Gaara, right?"

"I wouldn't say that." Kakashi protested, disappointed that Naruto didn't have more faith in his teammate. "Sasuke was the rookie of the year for a reason, and he's improved greatly since."

"That's true, Sasuke is good, but he isn't that good." Kakashi gave Naruto a queer eye, not sure what he was saying. "In a few years, it's probable, but he's not even close now. The only person in the exams that can beat Gaara is me, and that's because we both have a similar affliction that I happen to have a stronger version of."

"So Gaara's a Jinchuuriki." Kakashi sighed. He should have known something was off with that boy. "Right, well if you'll excuse me, I have to go rework Sasuke's training for the next month."

Shrugging, Naruto Shunshined back to the hospital where his recently popped clone had told him Hinata was stirring.

888

As the last scene was happening, a Jounin- who is obviously an Oc- had just returned home from an extended mission away from the village. First had been border patrol, which he'd gotten stuck on for over ten years (and boy was he looking forward to the massive hazzard pay bonus that would get him). Then, when he'd been on his way home, he'd been intercepted by Anbu who had given him orders that redirected him to Kiri to meet with the new Mizukage, where he'd been for the past nine months trying to keep from getting raped by the husband obsessed woman.

One may wonder why he would be trying to avoid a woman as hot as Mei Terumi, well the truth is that she scared him. The aura of pure, unadulterated fear she was capable of inducing was on par with another redhead he'd been close to in his youth. It also didn't help that an unnerving encounter with the latter redhead's boyfriend/future husband had made him extremely wary about dating women with red hair.

Now, you may be wondering who this Oc is, and what point he serves in the story, right. Well, thankfully for us, this is a cliche, so we can pause the story in a sufficiently tacky manner to introduce him.

This Oc just so happens to be Xenoguyver, formerly known as Izuna Takeda. He's the bastard son of Jiraiya of the Sannin, and actually favors him quite a bit. About the only things that sets them apart, are the absense of the red lines on his face, the absense of the long ponytail, and he took his height after his mother, standing at only 177cm, as opposed to his father's 191cm. Ironically enough, he was born just a few hours before Minato Namikaze, in the early morning hours of January 25; of course he was also born two years before. Although they resemble each other so strongly, neither he nor Jiraiya are aware of their relationship. You may ask yourself how this is possible? The answer to that would be the exact same as the one that answers how the hell so few people knew Naruto was the Yondaime's kid, when he looked like Minato, and acted like Minato's crazy wife. But I digress.

Izuna was a fairly talented ninja, a given considering who his father was, but he was content to stay in the background, unlike that Uchiha and Hyuuga who were rivals, and who ended up on Minato's team. Upon graduating from the Academy, he was placed on a team with Kushina Uzumaki and some other random Genin who'd end up getting killed in the next war; their sensei, Sakumo Hatake. Ironically enough, it was their other teammate who was hailed as the genius of the team, and Izuna's relationship with this teammate was very similar to the one Lee and Neji had. But thanks to Kushina's help, he got his revenge in the Chuunin Exam finals.

His beloved teamate- who was like a sister to him- had taught him a jutsu created by her family, that she'd learned from the Shodai's wife, the Rectal Prolapse no Jutsu. Her reasoning, because the 'team prodigy' needed a lesson in humility, and because she thought it would be a fitting way for him to lose to the teammate whom he considered beneath him. Of course, the arrogant boy hadn't thought that way of Kushina once he'd realized her chakra reserves dwarfed his like a Jounin's did a Genin's, and that she could easily kick his ass if she felt the desire to.

As a Chuunin, Izuna had developed a crush on his big sister's best friend, Mikoto Uchiha, only for his hopes at wooing her to be dashed when she suddenly wound up pregnant, and was a week later married to her third cousin once removed, Uchiha Fugaku. Kushina had comforted him, telling him that Fugaku was a dick, and that she thought Izuna would have been a much better match for 'Koto-chan -ttebane! Ironically enough, his second crush, Inuzuka Tsume was in the same boat, although Kushina had teased him about him probably not being wild enough in the sac for a girl like Tsume. And for someone who could be as mild mannered as Iruka, it was probably true.

Shortly after becoming Jounin, war broke out again, and they were thrown into battle. While the fighting wasn't so much, being a part of Kushina's team in the field was always entertaining. She had this way of getting you psyched up that no one could touch, and was such an inspiration to those around her that you couldn't help but want to make her proud by doing your best. Their unit only ever lost one man, and that had been their former teammate, on their first mission, because he was being a pompous ass. Go figure.

After the war, things settled down, and Minato and Kushina hooked up- as if there was ever any doubt about that. She'd been loudly and boisterously proclaiming that she was going to be Kushina Namikaze since he'd rescued her from those Kumo nin. When she'd gotten pregnant, she'd become even more animated about it, joking that she'd finally trapped her man, while Minato was going around trying to convince people that it was he who had succeeded in trapping the best girl in the village into a serious relationship. Those two really were made for each other, although he was certain that their spawn would be a virtual nightmare. Minato's talent and ability with Kushina's mischief streak, and power; he shuddered to think what Konoha would have suffered during Naruto's rambuntious youth had his parents lived.

Xeno had been on the front lines when the Kyuubi attacked, and he'd had tears in his eyes nearly the entire time. He'd known the fate of the Kyuubi, as well as the risks she took giving birth. For the Kyuubi to be free, it could only mean one thing...Kushina-nee was dead. After confirming Kushina and Minato's deaths, Izuna had planned to take custody of Naruto, but was surprised when his unit was assigned suddenly to the border patrol. He suspected Danzo had a hand in this hoping to make some kind of bid for power, but the guy usually had a tendency to outthink himself with his overly elaborate plans, so he wasn't too worried there. Thankfully, he was back home, and due a nice long vacation to reconnect with his pseudo-nephew.

"Ah, it's good to have you back, Xenoguyver." The Hokage said, although he was still trying to figure out why the man had changed his name, not knowing that it was the result of a drunken bet with Kushina that he'd been very reluctant to honor...until Kushina flashed the bartender in good faith- which had been her consession for losing the bet.

"It's good to be back, sir." After a bit of debriefing- okay, so it was like several hours worth of debriefing- Xeno decided to broach a subject that had been on his mind for the last decade. "Sir, how's Naruto doing?"

888

As Xeno made his way through the village, he wore a distinct frown upon his face. It was probably for the best that he and Jiraiya hadn't been around when Naruto was growing up. Without the strictness from his parents- which Kushina and Minato could be at times despite their normal personalities- Naruto being influenced by a super pervert and a laid back slacker/practical joker could have been very bad. On the other hand, that was certainly much better than the life Naruto had been forced to live. Sure things had drastically improved in the last seven months, and he was impressed with the boy's capturing of two hearts that were willing to share him, but that was beside the point. Where the hell had Kakashi been during his pseudo-nephew's formative years?

Even worse was the fact that Kakashi was the boy's Jounin, and hadn't seen fit to correct any of the damage done to his training by the Academy. While Kakashi was obviously the stronger of the two, Xeno would have figured that he'd be a better sensei than he was. But no, to his extreme annoyance, Kakashi had seriously flaked on properly teaching Minato and Kushina's son. He and the lazy bastard were going to be discussing some form of retribution for the botched education of his teammate's son, and why Kakashi hadn't done something about it before and since. That would have to wait until the next morning, though. Kakashi was an elite, while he was just above average, and he would need to be alert when he confronted the man. Righteous indignation and cool anger could only take you so far, so he needed a good night's sleep to succeed.

888

Xenoguyver, a.k.a. Izuna Takeda awoke the next morning bright and early. He was refreshed, he was re-energized, he was ready to make an attempt to express his displeasure at Naruto's life on Kakashi's person. He quickly dealt with his morning rituals, and forced himself to resist the urge to indulge in a lady-like- i.e. long and luxurious- bath. After all, when you go without luxuries for years- and he certainly didn't trust the bath areas his hotel in Kiri had offered- one tends to appreciate them a lot more, and when able to have them again, it's easy to over-indulge.

Anyway, Xeno quickly dressed, and locked up his apartment before heading to the roof of his building. Standing on the ledge, he concentrated, using a trick Kushina had taught him to find the signature Uzumaki chakras. Surprisingly, he found two, one male and one female, both about the same age. The female, he noticed, was stationary in one of the hotels, while the male one was headed off in the direction of a very familiar training ground. He'd found Naruto. Aside from the obvious gender distinction, only the Nidaime's line of Jounin-Genin succession had ever used that training ground, so that was likely the grounds that Kakashi had chosen. Xeno leapt from his roof to the building across the street, headed there himself. Upon arriving, he spotted the last Uchiha and a pink haired girl already there waiting, and noticed that he'd somehow beat Naruto to the training ground. Knowing that there was nothing to do but wait, Xeno dropped his chakra to almost nothing- another thing he'd learned from Kushina- as he hid in the tree.

Since waiting was kind of boring, he decided to reminisce in the rather obvious several minutes that these kinds of moments always afforded to Oc's so that the audience could view an informative flashback of said Oc's life. He really did miss his big sister, and even that scary ass boyfriend of hers. He could still remember the day he that got a shiver worthy warning from Minato that Kushina was spoken for.

DMX: Ayo bitch! This is a mothafuckin flashback. Time to get on board, before you hear the fuckin 9 clap.

"Hello, Izuna." The Chuunin heard a menacing voice say. Izuna turned to find the even more menacing form of an irritated, and mildly jealous Minato Namikaze,

"Hey, Minato, how are you?" Izuna sincerely hoped this was a social call...a friendly, social call.

"What are your intentions towards Kushina Uzumaki?" Nope, he'd never been that lucky.

Izuna was quick to waylay the man's fears. "I have absolutely no intentions towards Jounin Kushina Uzumaki of the Uzumaki Clan of Uzushiogakure."

Sadly, Minato didn't believe him. "Are you sure? Because I noticed how close the two of you were, and I'd rather not take any chances."

"I-I-" He didn't get the chance to respond as the Jounin had turned all of his considerable KI on him.

"You do realize that she's spoken for, right?" Izuna found that odd, since according to Kushina's source- Ero-sensei- Minato was still getting his courage up to as her out. Although, given the way they addressed each other, and how often the two claimed the other was their girlfriend/boyfriend to others who appeared to be interested in their chosen, one would think they'd have actually been dating by now.

"Seriously Minato-" Izuna's reply was suddenly cut off by a KI even greater- and several magnitudes more sinister- than the one Minato had been projecting. Thankfully it wasn't aimed at him, but he still nearly pissed himself catching residual.

"Minato-koi, what are you doing to my chibi?" The sweet, yet entirely sinister voice of Konoha's Hotblooded Habenero washed over them.

Minato wasn't sure whether to relax, or piss his pants. Being called her chibi meant that you were quite firmly in the 'friend' or 'like a sibling' column, so there was no worries there. On the other hand, when 'Shina-chan got pissed, especially when her chibi's were involved, it ususally ended in pain- and from the aura of planned induced suffering she was projecting, he was going to be enduring a lot of it. Looks like he'd finally understand what his sensei had kept telling him about being in love with deceptively strong, feisty women.

DMX: This flashback is over, so it's time to break out. Bitch! Grrr, arf arf, what what.

Judging from the jutsu she'd tried to use on him twice- Minato's speed saved his ass...literally- he now understood what his neechan had meant when she'd told Fugaku that if he broke Mikoto's heart, she was going to take equal payment of suffering out of his ass. Funny how after that, Minato had been very friendly with him, and had even helped him train for the Jounin evaluations.

As it happens with Oc flahsbacks, Kakashi arrived just seconds after he came out of it. Xeno had to smirk, Kakashi hadn't even noticed he was there, giving him the element of surprise. If there's one thing that was a given, Uzumaki were always the best at whatever they chose to excel at. And from what Kushina had told him, seals and stealth were their bread and butter. He hadn't had much talent for the more advanced seals, but he'd learned everything he could from his oneechan about stealth; to the point that not even Minato could sense him until he was right upon him, and he could find practically anyone. Of course, Kushina was in a class of her own. She could be standing right behind you, and still keep hidden from you.

Anywho, it was time for Kakashi Hatake to reap what he sowed.

888

"Hello Kakashi." A dark voice sounded from behind him.

"Hello Izuna-san," Kakashi said. "It's been a while."

"That it has." The man said. "Now while Naruto-kun has done very well for himself, and I'm sure Kushina-nee would be bragging to the village about how awesome and manly her baby boy is, why did it take twelve years for something good to happen to him?"

"First, you should probably know that that was a lot more frightening when sensei and Kushina-san did it." The man sagged, knowing it was the truth, and with Kakashi having been on the receiving end of both, Xeno's didn't really effect him all that much. "Second, Rin was supposed to do the whole parental thing while I joined Anbu to support them financially. How was I supposed to know that she'd go off the deep end?"

Really, how had they missed the issues she'd developed after seeing their sensei's penis. Because of that one fateful day, she'd become obsessed with having a horse penis all to herself. They really should have gotten her some counseling to deal with that, but Kakashi had been so happy to have her finally getting over him that he'd ignored all of the signs. To think that she'd planned to purposefully raise Naruto in such a way that he developed an Oedipal Complex towards her, and that she'd even kept detailed notes of an even more detailed timeline for his development was shocking.

"That was still no excuse for ignoring him." The man said. "You know I'll have to punish you."

"Do you think you can?" Kakashi taunted, and would regret it very soon. As he was turning to size up the light threat, he caught the tail end of a jutsu being sealed, and felt a very familiar, very traumatizing spike of chakra.

"Shit!" Kakashi cursed a half second before...

"Rectal Prolapse no Jutsu!(1)" The man called. Kakashi's most recent thought was rather fitting, wasn't it?

"AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGG GGHHHHHHHHHH" ...Kakashi was launched into the air like a shit propelled rocket; severely staining his pants, and screaming in both pain and humiliation.

Unfortunately, or fortunately depending upon who you ask, Sasuke and Sakura just so happened to be standing behind their sensei when he'd turned to Xeno.

For Sasuke, who had his Sharingan activated in the hopes of steal...ahem...learning a new technique, that moment would beocme the most traumatizing experience of his life. For you see, the Sharingan's jutsu copying ability committed whatever was seen into their memory banks, and it wasn't just regulated to memorizing jutsu. At that moment every single second and detail of Kakashi's Crap Rocket Launch- including what could only be labeled doodoo butter splashing into his face- was ingrained into his brain, and in such a way that he would never be able to repress it. And the worst part of the whole situation, was that he didn't even get the seals for the jutsu, because Kakashi had been in the way.

For Sakura, it was no better. You see, Sakura had decided to try and just talk to Sasuke today; no asking him out, no trying to woo him, just talking to him as a teammate, and possible friend. Unfortunately, this put her right next to her teammate, and in the line of fire when Kakashi shot off. What was more, was that Sakura had been trying to shout a warning to her sensei- not that he really needed one as an elite Jounin- and had her mouth open at the exact moment Kakashi's rectum prolapsed. What this means, is that poor Sakura was the recipient of some of Kakashi's crap in her mouth. With the taste of her sensei's ass coating her tongue, Sakura immediately vomited.

By some miracle, not a single drop hit, or got anywhere NEAR, Naruto. But then again, he was an Uzumaki, and Uzumaki prank techniques tended not to work on them unless performed by another Uzumaki. On a side note, Naruto could hear the Kyuubi shivering and whimpering like a kicked puppy at the sight of the Jutsu. He was guessing that was another moment in the fox's life that he wished he could repress.

Inside the seal, Kyuubi was being forced to relive the day the Shodai's wife had used that jutsu on him. All because she thought he was in league with that sick bastard Madara. Sure he was jealous that the bastard Senju had taken his girl, but he wasn't so broken up about it that he would plot with Madara to kill Hashirama and destroy Konoha. Damn Mito and her sick jutsu; he hadn't been able to take a proper shit until that creepy guy Tobi had released him from Kushina. He kind of felt sorry for that group of guys with the rocks on their headbands that just so happened to be standing there. Little did the fox know, he'd thwarted an assassination attempt on the Yondaime's newborn child.

Since he was the only one of the three youngsters who hadn't been immediately directly affected by the jutsu's results, Naruto turned to the sound of roaring laughter. What he found was a rather standard looking Jounin covering his eyes with one hand, and pointing at Kakashi the Incontinent as he flew off with the other hand. After a bit, the man calmed down and grinned at him.

"Sorry you had to see that, kids." The jounin explained with a wide grin. "He's had that coming for a long time for shirking his duties."

Naruto just shrugged. He'd pranked people for far less than that, though not nearly as badly in most cases. "Okay, so while we wait for Kakashi-sensei to come back, who are you?"

"Me, you can call me Xeno." The Jounin- now named Xeno- said.

"Lovegood?"

"No, but I'll admit, I do love me some Luna."

"Yes, she is quite delightful." Naruto replied. "If I were allowed, and NB was more accomodating- read less of a complete and utter propriety snob- in the cross-over area, I'd petition Haku and Hinata in the interest of recruiting her. Anyway, continue."

"Hang on a sec." Xeno said, unsealing a bottle of very flavorful- though thankfully weak- sake, and handing it to Sakura. "Having once been in your position, the only thing that will get that taste out of your mouth is sake." Taking it, Sakura continued to glare at him. "Hey, at least you didn't accidentally swallow any, right?"

Sakura's only answer was to start chugging the beverage. For those wondering, no she didn't swallow any doodoo butter, but it was darn close. And so Xeno fully introduced himself, shocking them all by revealing that he was on the same team as Naruto's mother, and inadvertently revealing that the Yondaime was Naruto's father. Taking a pause from drinking, Sakura stared at Naruto for a moment.

"You know, given how much you favor him, it's actually surprising that no one notices until it's mentioned." She said, thoughtfully. "I guess this also explains how you know so much about the Yondaime."

"Uh, right, I'm pretty sure that's an S-rank secret, so it'd probably be a good idea not to go telling people about that." Xeno said. "His dad had a lot of enemies who were sore losers, so they'd probably come after him if they learned about him. I'm sure you can sympathize, Sasuke."

"Tch, I doubt it." Sasuke spat. "The Dobe and I have nothing in common."

"Oh, so I guess no one thought to mention that you're technically godbrothers?"

"WHAT?!" Sasuke- who'd finally gotten himself clean using that animated characters special ability to be suddenly completely clean after a messy happenstance- and Naruto both yelled.

"Yep, Kushina was Sasuke's godmother, and Mikoto was named as Naruto's godmother." Xeno said. "Although, it makes me wonder why she didn't take him in at any point before the massacre? Although, I don't doubt it had something to do with that stick in the ass Fugaku."

Both the two boys stared at each other as if they'd never seen each other before. Sakura broke the staring match by asking. "So what was that jutsu you used against Kakashi-sensei?"

"That, was an Uzumaki special, the Rectal Prolapse no Jutsu." He said. "It's unblockable, and very difficult to dodge, like an attack from someone coming out of a Shunshin. It's impossible from the distance Kakashi and I were standing." Seeing the look of want coming from Sasuke, he decided to nip that little power trip in the bud. "Sorry kid, but that's an Uzumaki technique, and unless you're willing to become an Uzumaki, then you can't learn it."

"Then how did you learn it?"

"I was adopted by Kushina." He replied, lifting his shirt to show what Naruto recognized as the Uzumaki Clan symbol tattooed on the man's abdomen. "See, it was back before my second Chuunin exam..."

Once he'd finished explaining- deciding that the trio didn't need to know he'd been labeled 'Kushina's Bitch' until he'd made Jounin because of the seal/tattoo- he looked at Sakura and Sasuke. "Still, I feel bad about your obviously unwanted foray in to the scat fetish, so how about to make up for traumatizing you two, I teach each one of you one of my two personal prank jutsu while I teach Naruto Rectal Prolapse." He got a pair of eager nods. "Let's see, Sasuke, I think my Static Fart Jutsu would fit you, and for Sakura my Nutcracker Jackhammer Jutsu would be more up your alley."

While normally Sasuke, and to a lesser extent Sakura, would have balked at the jutsu being offered based on it's name alone, after seeing the devastation of having ones rectum forcibly prolapsed, he decided to see what was being offered first.

"Okay, what do these jutsu do?" Sasuke asked.

"Well, my first jutsu was the Nutcracker Jackhammer no Jutsu. It's a doton jutsu that basically pulls the victims feel into the ground, and hardens into cement to prevent them from escaping. While this is happening, a column of rock shoots up between the victims legs, and starts to rapidly smash into the victims testicles. If used on a girl, the results might be a bit different, and depending on the girl, you may actually end up with an obsessed stalker declaring their undying love for you, so I'd stick to guys with this one." Something told the trio of Genin he knew that from personal experience. " Anyway, the nut smashing can be just once, or it can be repeated, depending upon how much chakra you initially use, and whether you keep channeling chakra into it."

"Sakura, if you're willing to be adopted into the Uzumaki Clan, I'll teach you the Rectal Prolapse if you teach me the Nutcracker." Sakura rubbed her chin for a moment. While learning the Prolapse was indeed tempting, the part about being adopted into Naruto's clan she wasn't so sure about. She'd seen the looks he got- though she did notice that the shinobi were showing a lot more kindness- and unless Naruto won over the civvies, or his heritage came out, being considered his family was social suicide.

"I'll think about it." She said. "I don't want to take the chance that someone thinks me joining your clan means that we're together, or something."

"Understood." Naruto said. "Still, if there's another jutsu in my arsenal that you're interested in, and that you can safely learn, I'm willing to discuss a trade."

"We'll see." She said, thinking about the jutsu she'd seen him use. She had to admit that his henge was a possibility. Then she'd be able to increase her bust to something less modest, and shrink her forehead to normal proportions.

"Now, the Static Fart Jutsu is fun, because it converts 3/4 the victims chakra to the lightening element, then the converted chakra shoots out of their ass like a storm of lightning accompanied by a long squeaky fart. Once the electricity has stopped flowing, the victim will move around a bit like they're drunk. Side effects include their hair standing up like they'd gotten a static shock, excess electricity in their body in the form of spastic twitches, and the victim's voice will be squeaky and sound like they inhaled helium.(1)"

Sasuke's face broke out into a maniacal grin. "Ten ryo says he's imagining a squeaky voiced Itachi with lightening shooting out of his ass."

"Sucker bet." Sakura and Xeno said at the same time.

"Of course, you'll need a lightening affinity to use it to its greatest effectiveness," Xeno taunted the last Uchiha. "-but you seem like the type to have a dual affinity with two elements whose primary use is to destroy everything in its path with little remorse."

That snapped Sasuke out of his new happy place. "Did he just insult me in an extremely subtle, yet exceedingly clever way so that everyone but me will understand the reference he was making?" Sasuke asked, turning to Sakura.

Giggling a little, she nodded. Naruto, however answered him. "Yes, he did."

"Well?"

"It was a quip referencing your avenger attitude, and how the unrelenting destructive forces of fire and lightening suit you."

"As much as I'd like to make him pay for that insult, having seen first hand what his jutsu are capable of, I'm going to err on the side of caution, and forgive him just this once." There was also the fact that he knew he couldn't beat a Jounin, but the answer he gave was more amusing.

"You just don't want your ass to be turned inside out." Naruto teased.

"Yes, well not everyone has a blood immunity to those kinds of jutsu." Sasuke argued back.

"Touche."

"Well, enough talk, it's time to learn." Xeno snapped.

888

"Have fun with your new jutsu, you three." Xeno told them a couple hours later. "And remember, all great ninja on some level put a great deal of stock into their reputations, and many of the stronger ones tend to be a bit arrogant about it. Everyone needs to be humbled every once in awhile, especially elite shinobi."

Ironically, as if proving his point, another voice interrupted."Ugh, now I remember why everyone feared Kushina, and it had nothing to do with the Kyuubi." Kakashi grumbled as he rejoined his team. "Sorry it took so long, but I had to go home and change."

"That, I totally believe." Sakura said, smirking.

"Right, Xeno, you're right, I did deserve that a bit." Kakashi admitted. "Now if you're done corrupting my students, I've got some assignments for their training for the next month."

"Nope, I'm done for now." Xeno said. "Although I might catch up with Naruto later."

Deciding to forget, and/or suppress, the implications of that statement, Kakashi outlined his plan. "Right, for the next month, Team 7 is going on hiatus. Since I'm going to training Sasuke personally for his fight against Gaara, I'm calling in a couple of favors to see that the two of you aren't neglected. Sakura, you're going to be working with Kurenai in the mornings once Hinata's back on her feet. You'll be replacing Shino for the time being, whose getting special training from his father for the finals. Naruto, I've-"

"Don't waste the favor, Kakashi-sensei, I've already got some plans for my training, as well as a potential sensei." He saw the look of horror on Kakashi's face. "No, not Xeno, someone more suited to training great ninja."

"Should I be insulted?"

"Considering he trained a former Hokage, no." Naruto answered. "Is that all?"

"Well, technically there's nothing else, just a nagging curiosity." Kakashi answered. "You keep bringing it up, so I was wondering if you wouldn't mind showing me this plothole of yours. The one you keep getting things from."

"Sure, no problem." Naruto replied, shocking the man.

"Ooh, can I come?" Xeno asked. "I've always wanted to see the infamous Uzumaki Plothole."

"It's not the main one, as that one was sealed up before Whirlpool was destroyed. Mito had this one set up when she moved to Konoha after marrying the Shodai." Turning to his teammates, he asked. "You two want to come with?"

"I'll pass." Sakura shuddered. "My gut tells me the complete illogicalness of what you're going to see is going to be too much for my brain to handle. I like being sane, so no."

"I've got a jutsu to master." Sasuke said, smirking evilly.

"Well, I guess it's just the three of us." Naruto grinned. "Come with me if you want to live."

"Am I the only one who finds it amusing that when people hear that from an Uzumaki, the urge to do the exact opposite is almsot overwhelming."

"No, it's usually that person's preservation instinct kicking into overdrive." Naruto replied.

888

Ten minutes of tree hopping, five minutes of tree climbing up a cliff wall, four minutes of water walking, a short three minute restroom break, a two minute hike to a small cave, and a minute of the chicken dance- best you don't ask- later, they had arrived. They entered the small cave, and several torches automatically came to life upon sensing their presense. "If you want to remain sane, don't ask." Naruto warned, before pointing. "Well, there it is."

Looking to where Naruto was pointing, the two men beheld a small lake a few meters away- which was actually little more than a large puddle considering it was only about three feet at its widest point- with an island in the center. On the island, stood a podium, and on that poditum, a rather simple looking orange bowl with green and red spirals engraved into it. Naruto led the way over to the podium, and the three stood around it. The two elder men looked down into the bowl, and found that the plothole Naruto spoke so much about was inside the bowl, simply a gaping whole into nothingness.

"You mean to tell me this is real?" Kakashi said, shocked beyond words.

"Yup. What, you thought I was bluffing?"

"Wow, so 'Shina-nee wasn't just pulling my leg." Xeno said awed.

"You know, it's not as impressive as I thought it would be." Kakashi said.

"What were you expecting, a massive tear in reality that led to absolute nothingness, with lightening crackling around it."

"Yeah, kinda." He admitted.

Naruto sighed. "This is just the Konoha Branch Plothole that was connected the main one in Whirlpool. The main one might have been what you were expecting, but I've never seen it, so I wouldn't know." Naruto's eyes lit up. "Hang on, I have an idea. Now don't try this yourself, because the safeguards will kick in if someone who isn't an Uzumaki tries to do this."

Naruto went through a set of what looked like handseals, but nothing he was familiar with, before sticking his hand into the bowl. "I need a picture of the original Uzumaki Plothole." Pulling his hand free, Naruto also pulled with it a picture of the most epic looking tear in the space-time continuum that ever existed. Think of the most epic one you've ever seen, and this one would make it look like one of those simple black holes in the old Looney Tunes cartoons.

"Okay, now that was more along the lines of what I was expecting." Xeno said. "Y'know, that would make an awesome looking lightening jutsu if you could reproduce that visual effect."

"So, anything you wanted while we're here?" Naruto asked. "It would be a shame to make the trip and not grab anything."

"Well, I sort of misplaced an item during the war with Iwa, and I was wishing that I could get it back."

"Oh, what is it?"

"It was a staff that Kushina made for me." Xeno said. "When I became a Jounin, she actually carved me a staff out of a huge, treated log. It was awsome looking too. It was about six feet long, and had designs and seals carved into it so that it could channel chakra. The staff was a sort of golden, reddish-orange, and the seals and designs were painted green. It was frikkin awesome."

"The Mountain Breaker," Kakashi said, remembering- somewhat in awe- that staff being used against a Jinchuuriki, and actually knocking the the man out.

"It was called that because my my doton affinity added to the staff once knocked out a Jinchuuriki." Xeno said, then leaned down to Naruto. "Between the three of us, Kushina added something like a Gogyo Fuin onto the staff. She said she added it as a precaution in case she ever lost control of the Kyuubi, and had to be knocked out. She figured between Minato and I, we'd be able to take her down quickly and safely."

"Still, Mountain Breaker is a pretty cool name." Naruto admitted. "And extra help aside, you still knocked out a Jinchuuriki."

"Yeah," Xeno admitted. "I guess the extra purpose that was intended, as well as what I did with it, is why Kushina called it my Beat-A-Bitch stick."

"I take it back, that name is way better." Naruto said, grinning. Forming the fake seals, Naruto reached into the bowl again. "You're sure it wasn't destroyed, right?"

"Not really sure." Xeno said. "Kushina and I got caught in an explosive tag trap, and I dropped it. Kushina said that it should have survived the blast, but I didn't see it anywhere. I haven't seen it since."

"Right then, I need Xeno's Beat-A-Bitch stick." Naruto grinned when he felt something solid connect with his palm. Wrapping his fingers around it, he began to pull until the most awesome looking staff he'd ever seen was pulled free. Handing it over, he watched Xeno turn into a fangirl, and hug his stick like Ino often dreamed about hugging Sasuke.

"Oh, my baby, you've come back to me at last." He cheered.

888

In Iwa, a Jounin who had survived confrontations with both the Yellow Flash, and the Bloody Habenero- and was kind of a braggy douche about it- walked into his trophy room to find his prize possession missing. The suvenier that he'd gotten off the Habenero's bitch the last time he'd encountered her unit during the war was missing. In its place was a simple note. That not read.

Uzumaki owns you again, bitch!

Screaming a vicious scream of rage, he threw a bitch fit of epic proportions. Unsurprisingly, none of his comrades had any sympathy for him. It was common knowledge that it was bad form to speak ill of the dead unless they were like the scum of the earth- no pun intended. It was an even more risky thing to speak ill of the Uzumaki dead. Even if they were gone, there was something not normal about that clan, and there were still enough of their descendants floating around to be cautious.

888

While Xeno celebrated with his stick, Naruto turned to Kakashi. "Anything I can get for you?"

"No, Naruto, what I really want, I don't think you can give me." Naruto definitely understood what that was.

Kakashi wanted closure, something he hadn't had a chance to get until Nagato had attacked, Kakashi had been killed for several minutes, and had had the chance to talk to his father. Really, it was amazing the things you could get out of people when they were wasted. Going through the fake seals, Naruto reached into the bowl, and pulled out what looked like a small, cordless phone.

"How about this?" Naruto said, presenting the phone to him. "It's a special phone that will allow you to contact the realm of the dead so that you can talk to your dad."

To Naruto's shock, Kakashi's visible eye widened, and he paled until his face matched his hair- which was really creepy in a way. Declining the phone, Kakashi turned, and walked away, muttering to himself that he knew he should never have asked about the plothole. Just as the seriously freaked out- and mildly traumatized- Kakashi left the cave, Naruto could have sworn he heard him question whether he could use his sharingan through a mirror to genjutsu himself into forgetting what he just saw.

Naruto frowned, not suspecting Kakashi to react so negatively. He was taken out of his thoughts by Xeno finally recovering from his happy reunion. "Hey, where's he headed?"

"Uh," Naruto less than discreetly tossed the phone back into the bowl. "Kakashi decided he'd rather not have the item I pulled for him."

"Oh, well, I was wondering," Xeno said. "You pulled out a picture of the original plothole, right?"

Naruto's eyes frowned. "I'm not pulling you any pictures of naked women, you pervert."

"What, no nothing like that." Xeno said. "Besides, I wouldn't have survived being Kushina's friend if I'd have been a pervert. If you thought a prolapsed rectum was bad, you should have seen what she did to perverts back in our day. I think Jiraiya was the only one she never bothered, and that was because even as an unrepentant perve, he still greatly respected women."

"Oh, then what did you want?"

"Well, I was wondering if you could get a picture of Kakashi's face without his mask." Naruto's eyes widened.

"Wow, why didn't I think of that?" Naruto dipped his hand into the bowl, and made his request, and a moment later, pulled a picture of Kakashi's unmasked face. He took one look at the picture, did a full on eye twitch, then shook his head, and shuddered.

"You know, now I completely understand why he wears that mask." Xeno said. "I can also see why Kushina said that he'd be able to get just about any woman he wanted if he took off his mask. And it does kind of explain Rin's sudden obsession with him after that day Minato sent her to get him for that emergency team meeting."

"I think I might have been gay for like half a second after seeing that." Naruto admitted. "Now I'm sorry for ever doubting him. I just hope he never takes his mask off in front of Haku or Hinata. As good as our relationship is, I'd probably be back to being single again if that ever happened."

Oddly enough, four years later both girls would get a good look at Kakashi's face. Contrary to what Naruto thought, they didn't leave him...they found Naruto, kidnapped him, and they weren't seen for four days. That night would result in the first of four pregnancy scares before Naruto created a contraceptive seal for his loves.

"No wonder Ayame and Teuchi reacted like that in the series." NB spoke into his mind. "He'd get raped by hoards of women no matter where he went."

Deciding he needed to be held by a beautiful woman after that episode, Naruto led Xeno back to the village, making sure to deposit the picture back into the hole.

888

The next day, after visiting Hinata- who was recovering very well, but still restricted to bedrest for the rest of the week just to be sure- Naruto headed out to the hotsprings to acquire his new sensei. It took some convincing, but once again he'd been given the toad contract to sign, as well as a quick lesson in summoning. Deciding to see if he could get something else out of the man aside from summoning, Naruto decided to get things over with quickly.

On his first attempt, he summoned a small, common toad; nothing impressive, but still a fully grown toad. On his second attempt he summoned Gamakichi, introducing himself as the new toad summoner, and easily making friends with the toad. Just to be on the safe side, he summoned Gamatatsu on the third try, and introduced himself to that toad as well. On his fourth try, he summoned Gama, the same toad that Jiraiya had summoned the first time he'd met him.

Finally deciding to go for broke, Naruto summoned as much chakra as he could, and when the smoke cleared Gamabunta was standing in the middle of a hotspring, in the middle of Konoha. He thoroughly enjoyed watching Gamabunta rant at Jiraiya about summoning him, and about being irresponsible enough to have a boy summon him in the middle of the village. Nothing Jiraiya said would placate the giant toad, and the very thorough thrashing that Jiraiya got from the toad was even more amusing. Eventually, he again became the Chief Toad's minion, and with a puff of smoke, the toad was gone.

"I hope you enjoyed that gaki, because you're not getting anything else from me." An annoyed Jiraiya spoke, dropping from the tree he'd been hiding in while his mud clone took that beating. Naruto gave the man a foxy grin, both of them knowing the elder shinobi was lying through his teeth.

"So, that means if I told you I knew the real secret behind my seal, what it was really intended to do, and how I'm alreaady halfway there, you'd just ignore everything I said?" Naruto teased.

"Okay, I'll bite." Jiraiya said with a frown several moments of thought later. "How did you find out about the seal?"

"The fox is rather talkative when he's drunk." Naruto explained. "Told me my seal was like mom's on steroids. Then he called me a midget pirate, and accused me of stealing his chakra."

"Wait, back up, how did you get the fox drunk?"

"I'm an Uzumaki, do you really want the details?" Naruto's sinister smile told the Sennin all he needed to know.

"You know what, forget I asked." Jiraiya said. "So, what do you think the seal is intended for?"

"Well, it'll allow for me to actually take control of the fox's chakra for myself." Naruto said. "And I don't mean draw from the fox, but take it, and store it separate from the fox."

"And how did you figure that out?" Jiraiya asked, impressed. It had taken him almost five years of studying the seal to figure that out, and he had the key to the damn thing to help.

"The fox told me about it, and offered to give me his chakra no strings attached for a favor." Jiraiya raised an eyebrow at that. "We had a traumatic experience, and because demons can't supress memories, he gave me that offer in exchange for keeping him liquored up enough that the alcohol would supress it."

"This is one of those that only happens to an Uzumaki things, isn't it?" Naruto nodded.

"Yup, so since I've already mastered summoning, how about you teach me the Rasengan?" Jiraiya narrowed his eyes at the boy.

"What makes you think that I know it?" The Sage asked. "And even if I did, what makes you think that I'd teach you my student's technique?" He certainly didn't like the smug, knowing grin he got in return.

"Jiji told me who my parents are, and that you're my godfather." Naruto lectured, causing Jiraiya to wince. "Since my dad taught you the Rasengan, that means that you're technically required to teach it to me."

"Given that I can somehow follow your train of logic, I'll admit that you're right, but that doesn't mean I have to do it now." Jiraiya informed him. "I can wait until I think you're ready."

Frowning, Naruto decided to use his ultimate weapon against the self-proclaimed Super Pervert. "Hey Ero-Sennin, do you know the Kage Bunshin?"

"Yeah, so?"

A puff of smoke later, and his original Oiroke- only this time with Tsunade-like proportions- was standing in front of the man. "Jiraiya-kun, will you please teach me the Rasengan?"

"Anything for you." The man said, trying not to drool, and nearly failing. The puff of smoke returning Naruto to his natural form earned him a glare.

"I'll teach you that in exchange for the Rasengan, and that will give you access to all the research you can handle, without putting yourself in danger from peeping." Naruto said, causing Jiraiya's eyes to widen. "A couple months ago I even upgraded it to the point where you can mix and match girls by thinking of the parts of different girls you like, and the jutsu will automatically put them together in the proper form. Plus, now you can even add animal parts if you want a sexy catgirl or bunny girl. Normally, it's against my moral code to do something like this, but I'm willing to make this one sacrifice for a good cause."

'Hmm, are you sure I shouldn't be apprenticing under you?' Jiraiya asked mentally, genuinely impressed. Aloud, his answer was different. "As tempting as that is, I'm stil not sure that I should." Jiraiya said, remembering what sensei had said about the boy, his opponent, and what the opponent had done to his girlfriend. He had to admit that he was impressed the boy had gotten an heiress for a girlfriend, and the Hyuuga one at that. He hadn't had the chance to meet the other one yet, but from what the old monkey said, she was hauntingly beautiful.

"If it makes you feel any better, I promise that I won't use it on Neji, even if he deserves it for what he did to Hinata."

"Fine, I'll teach you, but you better keep that promise, gaki."

By the time Naruto went home that day, he could once again perform the Rasengan, and Jiraiya had a new technique for his research- and the fact that Jiraiya made for an exceptionally curvy, disturbingly hot mature woman freaked him out almost as much as Gaara's did. He wondered if the pervert would remember that he got back the memories of his Shadow Clones before trying to perform what Kiba had once called Extremely Advanced Masturbation. Then again, the fact that he probably would try it meant that he likely wouldn't care.

He made sure to take at least an hour for each part, and he'd had a few dozen Kage Bunshin working on it with him, but he had his first super move back. And now that he had the Rasengan back in his arsenal, and at least two months before he had any fights where he would need it, he was going to try and do something he'd never managed in the old timeline: creating it one-handed. He was going to take advantage of the headstart he had. And after the invasion, he was going to put as many clones as he could on getting it down. Sure, it would take him awhile because of his shoddy chakra control, but that would come with time, and hopefully be finished by the time they met up with Tsunade-baachan.

888

The next morning found Sakura meeting Naruto at the hospital...more specifically in Hinata's room. While Hinata could have gone home already, the fact was, she didn't want to yet. While her father and the elders had accepted Naruto as her boyfriend, and potentially her husband in a few years, they were not going to allow him to visit her in her room while she was on mostly bedrest, and a light excercise regiment. Thus Hinata had been allowed to stay in her hospital bed after the chief on staff had granted the favor to Haku for such diligent work, and for having so much experience on her first day as to not have to have things explained to her repeatedly.

Anywho, Sakura had learned from Kurenai that her team was on hiatus until Hinata fully recovered. This meant that not only did she have afternoons free for the next month, but she also had the entire day for most of the next week. Since Naruto also seemed to have a bunch of free time- which kind of worried her given his spot in the finals, and who his opponent was- she decided to ask him to work with her. He had told her he would.

"Okay Sakura, I said I'd help you get stronger, so the frist thing I'm going to do, is give you some advice." Naruto said. "I don't know if you thought I was joking last time, but I meant it when I say you need to give up your diet."

"But-"

"Being an active duty ninja requires a lot of calories, so if you're training yourself like you're supposed to be, you won't get fat." Naruto informed her. "You'll be able to get stronger and keep your 'sexy', petite, figure. Trust me on this, if you've seen the way Anko eats, you'd know I'm not bullshitting you."

"Okay, I'll stop, but it's going to take a bit of time to get rid of old habits."

"Don't worry, I've got a plan." Naruto grinned. "Since you lack stamina, there's not much we can do right away. What I suggest, is that you find something nutritious that you like, and have at it until you pick up a few pounds. Once you have something to burn off, then we can really start working you. I can guarantee you that by the time we're finished you'll be too hungry to even think about dieting." Sakura rightfully paled at that.

"The second thing I'm going to do requires that I ask you a question." Taking a deep breath, and knowing that Sakura's instinctive reaction was going to result in him having to dodge a swing, Naruto soldiered forward. "Do you happen to have a bikini?"

"Yes, but why would that be relavent to my training?" She asked with narrowed eyes.

"Well, I've been using training seals to help me develop physically. The first set I found while snooping in the Hokage's Tower. They put a resisting strain on the body that will increase your strength, speed, chakra reserves, and even your chakra control to a small extent.

The second set I found were the ones my family created. I've been using these since we returned from the Wave mission. From what I can feel, they seem to be very similar seals, but my family's seal puts a different kind of strain on the body, and the instructions said that they could only be used on an Uzumaki."

"Do you know how it works?" Sakura asked.

"I didn't understand it at first, but this is the best description I can give you of my family one." Naruto said.

As he explained it to her, Sakura couldn't help but go wide eyed at what her teammate was doing, and the level of skill his family had with seals. All of a sudden, being 'adopted' by the Uzumaki didn't seem like such a bad idea. She did find herself a little disappointed that the Uzumaki genetically had a physical disposition that allowed for them to use this seal, but that very few others could ever safely use it. Still, the first one had promise, and she was sure he'd mentioned the seals for a reason.

"Now, to get to the point of my asking if you had a bikini." Naruto said. "The seal has to be applied to the bare skin of the torso."

"Are you asking me to take off my top?" Sakura asked, gaining a nod. "How long?" She couldn't see how applying a seal would require her to be topless for very long...unless it was a very complicated seal which she didn't think it would be, or unless there was more to it.

"In a sense." Naruto replied. "To apply the seal, one needs bared skin, but it'd also have to dry, and I'd also have to charge it."

"What do you mean 'charge it'?"

"Normally, the seal would draw upon your own reserves to charge itself," Naruto started. "And with the strength of this seal, it's not recommended for rookie Genin. Still, for most Genin at this stage in their development, even kunoichi, they'd have more than enough chakra to do so, even if they'd have to take it easy for the rest of the day. Because you spent so much time neglecting your training, your reserves are far less than what they could, and should be, meaning it could quite possibly drain you completely. Hence why I'd have to charge it." She didn't bother asking how he could use it, as he'd apparently learned Kage Bunshin sometime before team assignments, and that took Jounin level reserves just to use.

"Anyway, the reason for the need of at least the bikini top, would be prolonged upper exposure to do the seal. I ended up going topless for almost an hour while a Shadow Clone applied the training seal. The application doesn't actually take much time at all, waiting for the ink to dry does. Now, I might have something that will make the ink dry faster, but that method might not be a good idea."

"You said almost an hour otherwise?" Naruto nodded. "Then I'd rather use that, even if it is uncomfortable."

"Suit yourself." Naruto said. "Oh, and before I forget, when you get out of here, remind me to put this on you and Haku too, okay, Hinata-chan."

"H-hai, Naruto-sama." Hinata said, then blushed at the sudden thrill that shot up her spine, and tingled down to other parts.

"Sakura, I'd suggest you go home, and get changed while I get my sealing stuff." Naruto said, before leaving her with Hinata. Turning back, she asked.

"You're not bothered by this, are you?"

"No, I know Naruto-sama loves me." She said. "Besides, he's already promised that he'd never cheat on us, and Naruto never goes back on his word."

888

Twenty minutes later, Sakura and Naruto were standing in their team's training ground. Reluctantly, and with her face matching her hair, Sakura removed her shirt to reveal a fairly tasteful red bikini top. Naruto frowned at the fact that he could see Sakura's ribs, even if just a bit. Ignoring that for the moment, Naruto asked the pertinent question.

"So, where do you want your seal?" She gave him a quisitive look. "Well, it has to be someplace easily hidden, but also someplace you can easily access in case you need to release it in an emergency."

"Uh, my right shoulder blade, I guess." Sakura answered.

"Right," Naruto said, getting his supplies in order as they both sat on the grass. "Uh, don't take this the wrong way, but I'm going to need to pull your right strap down."

Sakura threw a glare over her shoulder. "Why?"

"Because the strap is going to get in the way of the seal." Naruto answered clinically. Sure, Sakura was attractive in her own way, but between Haku and Hinata, he was definitely over her.

"Oh," She replied. Sakura still hesitated for a moment, before doing as asked, as her face turned pink with embarrassment.

As Naruto painted the seal on her shoulder, Sakura couldn't help noticing that the gentle strokes of the brush against her skin felt rather good, almost like a lover's caress; and given who was doing it, it made her feel fairly awkward. After about ten minutes, Naruto was done with the seal, and not a moment too soon. Naruto had been forced to change brushes twice for the detail work, and damn if that tiny brush hadn't made her feel things she didn't think she was mature enough to be feeling.

She finally got her repreive when Naruto began resealing his tools, but it didn't last long. Glancing over her shoulder, she saw Naruto make a hand seal, and place his right hand on her bare shoulder. She found it odd that his hand was cupped so that his palm wasn't touching it, belatedly realising that if he touched it, the ink would probably smudge. She spent a couple more seconds trying to figure out what he was doing, before she felt it; the caress of alternating warm and cold air brushing against her shoulder. If she thought the brushes were making her feel awkwardly turned on, the brush from the soft, pulsing gusts of air on her shoulder made it seem like harsh slaps. Sakura was forced to bite her lip to keep the moan from escaping her thoat.

Even if she was vaguely successful on that front, she could still feel herself reacting in other ways. Cupping her hands over her chest to hide one such reaction- even if Naruto couldn't see, nor did he seem to even be paying attention to that- she could feel two points pressing into her palms. Damn puberty, making her react to everything, and damn Naruto for putting her in a position where she would. What the hell was he doing to her anyway?

Extremely glad when Naruto pulled away, she almost cringed when Naruto then said. "Okay, now I have to charge your seal."

As Naruto channeled chakra into the seal to charge it, Sakura couldn't hold back her moan any longer, though thankfully, it wasn't as ridiculously audible as it sounded to her. It was well known that each person's chakra had a kind of distinguishing feel to it, but only truly gifted sensors could ever feel chakras on that level. The only time normal shinobi ever experienced it was when shinobi couples were intimate, or when friendly shinobi were using their own chakras to help recharge a comrade- which was fairly rare given the normal chakra control discrepencies, chakra or affinity types, and obsessions with bloodlines.

This is the position that Sakura suddenly found herself in at that moment. Naruto hadn't been completely truthful when he'd talked about charging the seal, although it was entirely possibly that he might not truly understand the difference. What he was currently doing, was channeling his own chakra into her to boost her reserves, so that the seal- which actually was feeding off her own chakra- wouldn't drain her. As a result, she could feel the full extent of Naruto's inhumanly massive reserves, the all emcompassing calm, safety, warmth, and general happiness and affection that his chakra seemed to exude. And it really didn't take a sensor to notice that underlying hint of primal energy that was just screaming at her to take her clothes off, and do something that she was wholly unready for.

Damn it, this was even more arousing than what he'd been doing before. Her breath was coming in heavy pants, and with each filling of her lungs, she could feel two very hard nubs pressing insistently into her palms.

How the hell was this happening, and why the hell was this happening? She knew she wasn't mature enough to be feeling things like this, and she should definitely not be feeling them for Naruto. Not only that, but Naruto was far too young and immature to be generating these kinds of feelings in girls. But then again, he had slept with Haku, and whatever he'd done had been good enough to make her and Zabuza join their village...and she really needed to stop thinking about this before she started crushing on Naruto. While she could admit that everything she'd once thought about Naruto was completely wrong, that didn't mean she wanted to start having romantic feelings for him.

Luckily for her peace of mind, the chakra flow stopped. She blushed at the groan of disappointment she heard come from her when he pulled away. Damn if the feel of his chakra wasn't addictive. Clearing her throat, Sakura quickly reached down, grabbed ahold of her shirt, and quickly redonned it. Turning back to her sort of trainer for the next month, she sat when he gestured for her to do so, happy for the distraction as he explained his training plans for her.

"Okay, the first thing I need to tell you, is that we won't be using your seal yet." Naruto explained. "Because you chose to neglect certain aspects of your training in favor of trying to impress Sasuke, you don't have the strength or stamina required to really use the seal as it's supposed to be used. That being said, by the end of this month, I hope to have you at a point where we can turn it on, and actually start using it during training. You've still got awhile before you can keep it on outside of that, though."

"It's alright, it was my fault that I'm so far behind, so I just have to work extra hard to get caught up." Sakura said.

"I'm glad you think so." Naruto said. "Sakura Haruno, I would like to officially welcome you to hell."

Sakura groaned. "Somehow I knew you were going to say something like that."

By the time she got home that night, she was starving, and actually ended up eating third portions of everything. When questioned by her mother about her diet, Sakura said that Naruto had worked her too hard, and that she was too hungry to care about it. Concentrating on her food as she was, Sakura didn't notice her mother's blush- apparently word of Naruto's penis size, and the discovery that it was a bloodline, had been circulating the gossip circles- or her father's stern frown.

It only took her father interrogating her- and really, introducing him to her, then, best friend's father had been a mistake- for her to explain that Naruto was training her. It had been he who'd told her that the diet she was on was not only detrimental to her development as a kunoichi, but wholly unnecessary if she actually worked to get better. She'd then gave an abbreviated version of the things Naruto had her doing, and Mr. Haruno resolved to speak with his good friend Mr. Yamanaka about recruiting the boy for the Anbu Interrogation division.

888888

By the start of the third week, Naruto had a hundred clones each working on Frog Kata, his mother's family style, one handed sealing, and another fifty getting Summoning back to muscle memory once he'd gotten the pervert to teach him. He'd also been taking the time to train with Sakura and Hinata on the days that they weren't training with Kurenai. Naruto had to smirk at the fact that he'd been right about Sakura and Ino's match. Within just the two weeks he and Hinata had been working with her, she'd greatly improved.

While she still wasn't capable of utilizing the seal, her reserves were actually approaching something approaching proper Genin levels. Hinata on the other hand had finally gotten to a point where she could turn it on, and even warm-up with it on- mostly to get used to being under its effects- she hadn't started actually training with it though. Haku joined them occasionally, and when she did, she usually performed light kata with the seal activated. Even while overseeing the two kunoichi's training, Naruto didn't neglect his own.

Naruto spent the time working on his own physical skills, trying to push himself to increase his always atrocious chakra control. He'd come up with two very interesting new ways to use the Leaf Floating exercise. The first had been to create a flack jacket made out of leaves that resembled the ones Jounin and Chuunin wore, while water walking. The next had been to create a gourd similar to Gaara's made out of leaves. That had proven to be just a bit beyond his control range at the moment, but he was definitely going to come back to it. Having seen Hinata, Sakura, and Haku actually pull it off, and having Haku explain to him what kind of strain he could expect, he really wanted to get to that point. His ultimate goal was to develop his chakra control to the point that he could produce a Rasengan, and all of its variations with only one hand. Adding his element he knew would take time, even with clones, so would probably have to wait until his travels with Ero-Sennin.

That, however, was how Naruto spent his mornings, his afternoons- the ones that weren't spent training with his three kunoichi training partners when Haku joined them- were spent on more interesting endeavors. The first had been an excursion he'd made around midway through the second week, sneaking into Danzo's underground base. He'd infiltrated the base, and was wondering where in the office Danzo might keep copies of his special seal- as well as a couple of those fuuton jutsu he'd been well known for- when he'd finally been discovered by Danzo himself.

Naruto knew from the twitch of the man's hand that he was forcefully staying his instinctual reactions. He also knew that had he been just about anyone else, he'd have been dead, and being labeled a trespassing traitor would have cleared Danzo of any wrongdoing. Thankfully, Naruto was both an Uzumaki and the Jinchuuriki of the Kyuubi...both currently great assets to the village. The simple fact was, having the Kyuubi vessel was a trump card that even Danzo realised the village couldn't afford to lose. And with the Uzumaki having been the only people with the physical disposition to house the fox, Danzo would figure that they at least needed to keep Naruto around until he reproduced.

There was also a small hint of respect coming from the man- something Naruto had only ever seen when Danzo interacted with jiji. While the man would never admit it, he could tell the old warhawk was impressed that he'd gotten in, and to his office unnoticed. He had to mentally thank Sai for giving him a tour after Danzo's death at Sasuke's hands, and for the unnecessarily detailed list of security holes he'd been too afraid to bring to his master's attention for fear of being silenced for knowing about them.

"What are you doing in my office?" Danzo asked. "And how did you get into my compound without alerting any of my guards." Naruto gave him a very abbreviated version of how he'd found the place; one involving him being a curious child, and sneaking in when no one was home.

"Hmph, I find myself annoyingly impressed." Danzo said scowling, shocking Naruto that he'd admitted it. "What do you want, Kyuubi?"

"My name is Naruto Uzumaki," Naruto started annoyed, not realising that Danzo had called him Kyuubi just to annoy him. Just because he didn't do it often, or in any obvious manner, didn't mean he wasn't capable of having fun. Hell, if it wasn't for the fact that between he and Hiruzen, they had enough blackmail to keep most of the people who'd known them as children silent, the stories one could hear about them would have made Naruto idolize them rather than the Yondaime. "-and I've heard tale that you are in possession of a rather interesting paralysis seal." Naruto bet the old man was wondering just how he'd known about that.

"What would it take for you to consider teaching me that seal so that I can use it to kick Neji's ass with?" Naruto gave him a moment to think about that, before completely changing the subject. He'd found keeping people off balance often got them to agree to what you wanted if you got them confused enough to be willing to do anything to get rid of you before they got a headache trying to keep up. "But first, I've always wondered, what's your beef with jiji? I know you wanted to be Hokage and all, but really why do you dislike him so much?"

"Because he's too soft."

"In some cases, I'd agree, but you do realise that if we always took an aggressive stance towards everything like you seem to want to do, we'd never get out of wars, and pretty soon, there'd be no one left to fight."

"Real shinobi work in the shadows, are never seen, while Hiruzen wears his heart on his sleeve."

"You do realise that everyone knows that you're still operating, and kind of look the other way because that means they don't get called for the dirty jobs. Hell, if you maybe tried working with the Hokage, instead of politicking behind his back, people might start respecting you in a positive way, rather than out of fear."

And so it began, Naruto rambling incessantly, completely tearing down everything Danzo believed in and stood for- well everything that was really a contradiction of what he thought being a Konoha ninja meant- but I digress. One massive dose of Therapy no Jutsu later, and after Danzo had inwardly sobbed- he cried on the inside while keeping his features completely stoic; yeah, he's badass like that- at the fact that he'd let such a foolish happenstance drive such a huge wedge between he and his bestfriend/rival, he schooled his inner features until they matched his outer ones.

"Anyway, I came here for a reason, and I'm willing to negotiate terms for that reason."

"Yes, my seal, what are you willing to part with?" Danzo considered himself a very good negotiator. If he played his cards right, he might be able to trade a couple of those interesting Uzumaki family seals he'd been hoping to get ahold of ever since he'd learned the boy had somehow found the family scroll...or at least a copy of it."

"How about the security holes that I used to get in here for starters." A bit more haggling later- and Danzo was again annoyed at having to admit the boy was fairly good at it- found Naruto showing Danzo some of the holes in his security that he hadn't even thought were issues before. Although, Naruto was smart enough to withold a few just in case Danzo became a problem later.

In exchange- and because the boy had showed him just how vulnerable he was to other shinobi of his calibur, rare as they were- Danzo not only gave Naruto the instruction scrolls to a couple Fuuton Jutsu (and amazingly enough the ones that he'd been after), but he'd also personally taught him the fuinjutsu he'd come there to learn in the first place. Naruto did have to promise to consider joining Ne, but he'd already made his decision by the time he left the compound. Now one may wonder why Danzo was so willing to help without getting more out of the deal...well, it didn't hurt that Danzo was hoping to see the sometimes arrogant Hyuuga get put in their places, and what better way than to have their prodigy get embarrassed by the village pariah.

After that fortuitous venture, Naruto had divided his time between learning the paralysis seal, learning and perfecting the modified (making it only temporary) bloodline sealing fuinjutsu, and applying the seals to absorb and drain any chakra that comes into contact with it to the repaired Anbu armor he'd finally gotten back.

Naruto had also made time for a couple of fun pranks. With judicious use of his favorite jutsu, Kage Bunshin, he spent the day tormenting some of the more rabid Kyuubi haters. What he did, was create several dozen Kage Bunshin, that turned into very short lived mini versions of his Biju. These biju would follow those rabid haters around trying to get their attention. What made things even worse, was that many of these same people had been less than polite to Anko over the years, never letting her forget that she'd been duped by a master of manipulation. She'd been very happy to help by placing Genjutsu on the clones so that only the targets- or someone like Kakashi or Kurenai who had methods or the talent to see through them immediately- could see the biju.

Before he snapped- and was later found sitting in his bedroom crying about the Kyuubi haunting him- one unfortunate soul had found himself being tailed by two of the clones. "Psst, hey." and "Hey, check this out." haunting his every step(2).

888888

On a surprisingly cool- especially for that time of year- morning later that week, one could find Hinata and Sakura headed towards the training ground that Team 8 used for training. Glancing over to her oddly sluggish temporary teammate, Sakura noticed that the young heiress was also dazed and groggy.

"Hinata, are you alright?" Startled out of her sleep deprived daze, Hinata turned to the girl who'd become something of a fairly good friend. Seeing the nearly bloodshot eyes, and thinking the girl had been crying she asked. "Hinata, what's wrong?"

"Huh, what do you mean?" Sakura had to inwardly smile. Being Naruto's girlfriend had done wonders for her confidence. While she still stuttered when she was nervous, was still fairly easy to embarrass sometimes, was still the sweetest and most kind person ever, and blushed like crazy when she was embarrassed, she wasn't a pushover anymore.

"Your eyes are red like you've been crying."

Hinata blushed, so it must be something that she felt highly embarrassed about."Ano, Naruto-sama put the training seals on Haku-nee and I last night."

Hinata's answer caused Sakura to blush this time. "It's a very interesting experience, isn't it?"

"If you mean extremely arousing, then yes."

'Okay, so maybe Hinata's confidence boost wasn't so great a thing.' Sakura thought, as the blunt comment- something that seemed more Haku's style- made her blush even redder, especially in remembrance of the effects it had had on her.

"So why so drowsy? I know it's a little draining, but you look spent."

"Interesting choice of words." Seeing Sakura's questioning look, she shook her head. "No we didn't, but...well...I don't have to explain what I was feeling when he did it, because you obviously felt it too. The difference is that I love him, he loves me, and therefore the feelings I felt during the transfer were much more intense."

"W-what happened?"

"Haku-nee climaxed." Hinata revealed, again far more bluntly than she'd have expected. "And my reaction was only just less intense."

"Oh." Sakura said, unable to think of anything else to add to that.

"Yes, and because of that, my dreams were filled with things that I'm too young to be doing, and I woke up covered in sweat and exhausted beyond reason."

"So you needed the transfer too?" Sakura decided it was better to change the subject- bad memories only awaited pursuing that avenue. "I would have thought your reserves would be larger, since you've been training with Haku and Naruto for the last six months."

"While my reserves are larger than yours, it's only by about 20 percent, still not enough to power the seal alone. Since my family's taijutsu requires precise control, like you, I was able to make a smaller chakra store go a long way. Haku-nee only just had enough, but opted for the transfer. She still had to be carried home, and fell asleep in Naruto-sama's arms on the way."

Whatever else was about to be said was halted as they reached their destination, and a gruff voice called. "You two are late!"

Deciding to take a page from Naruto's book, Sakura replied. "Oh put a sock in it, you mangy mutt. Because of Naruto, Hinata had a very exhausting night, and she's still feeling the effects." Kiba gaped at Sakura, before turning to Hinata, turning red in the face, and fainting and foaming at the mouth. "I think the puppy's got rabies."

Hinata- who couldn't believe what Sakura had said, the way she said it, nor the fact that she purposefully implanted implications about certain actions into Kiba's head simply by turning a phrase- turned a brighter red than she had since before becoming Naruto's girlfriend. And embarrassed red she hadn't been able to achieve since the times when she couldn't even stand next to Naruto without hyperventilating.

Nearby, as Kurenai watched the interesting byplay of her temporary team, she had to thank her lucky stars that Naruto had stopped by the evening before to warn her about Hinata's possible condition. If he hadn't, she'd have probably been searching for the blond to castrate him for violating Hinata's innocence. She couldn't help but marvel at how much Naruto had been such a good and bad influence on their age group.

In the two weeks he'd been working with Sakura before she'd joined them, he'd actually gotten the girl started, and well on her way, to realising her potential. While the girl's control was great, her former attitude had meant she'd only just escaped being a dropout by being teamed with Naruto and Sasuke. Now she was on the fast track to approaching respectable for her age. And as much as she'd like to turn the girl into a Genjutsu Mistress, she just knew the girl would be far more useful to the medical corps. It was just too bad that Tsunade had left the village, and vowed never to return. Sakura was prime apprentice material for the Slug-hiime.

Unfortunately, Naruto had had an oddly positive/negative influence on the way she dealt with annoyances. Where she used to just react violently, now she used inappropriate innuendo, or embarrassing comments to silence them. And it would seem Naruto's creativity had also rubbed off, as she'd also been able to come up with something entirely new to slap Kiba with each time he mouthed off.

For Hinata, the girl's confidence had gone through the roof since gaining Naruto as a boyfriend. That alone was worth the less than impressive traits that she'd osmosed from him. Things like a slightly perverted streak that she was thankfully able to keep hidden, but if her constant blushing whenever anything that could even be considered a double entendre was anything to go by, it was only just barely. There was also the fact that she 'd developed a bluntness that was just on the proper side of frustrating sometimes.

Shaking her head, she called her temp team to attention, and started their training for the day.

888

While this was going on, Naruto was in another part of the village witnessing something that was kind of disturbing, yet insanely amusing. What was he witnessing, you ask? Why, he was witnessing fem!Gaara- she had decided to just go with this name, until she decided on one for herself- accosting Rock Lee as he left the grounds where he'd been training with his sensei. It would seem that she was more than just passingly interested in procreating with Bushy Brow; she fully intended to do just that, and as soon as possible.

At first when he'd seen her stalking Lee, he'd thought it was kind of funny. Heck, he'd even thought it was fitting that such a disturbingly hot girl was so determined to attach herself to a boy most girls in Konoha wouldn't even give a second glance to. He wasn't sure why the girl had been cupping her chest the few times he'd seen her watching Lee- even if he had a hunch as to why- but something told him that it was something private that he probably shouldn't have been watching. He really should have been paying closer attention to what was going on.

Taking a breath, Naruto cancelled his training plans for the day, and headed back into the village to find either Gaara, or failing that, Temari. One of them should probably be made aware that their sister was likely going to rape Lee or something if they didn't have a talk with her soon. Of course, that got him to thinking, which led to another realisation. If fem!Gaara didn't understand, it was highly unlikely that Gaara didn't fully understand those kinds things either. Damn, that meant he was going to have to find Temari.

Upon finding the blonde in the training grounds assigned to their teams, Naruto watched the young woman train for a moment, before a huge gust of wind tore through the grounds towards him.

"I know you're there spying on me." Temari yelled. "Come out now, and I might spare you."

"Trust me, if I wanted to spy on you, you wouldn't have noticed me there." Naruto replied, coming out from behind the tree he'd taken refuge behind to avoid the wind. "I'm actually here to deliver a warning that you might want to pay attention to."

"Oh, trying to intimidate me before the finals, eh?" She taunted. "Well it's not going to work, I've dealt with Gaara my whole life, it'll take more than a Genin to scare me."

Naruto was tempted to reveal that he had a bigger, much more bad ass demon sealed in him than an alcoholic tanuki, but decided to keep that one close to the vest for the moment. "You know, I'm tempted to just say the hell with it, and let you find out after the fact, but I consider Gaara to be a friend, and helping him is more important than spiting you."

That brought the Suna Genin up short. "Fine, what did you want to tell me?"

"I just thought that you might want to know that your little sister has been stalking Rock Lee." Naruto informed.

"Who the-"

"Green spandex onesy, gave Gaara his first black eye." Naruto answered.

"Okay, so she's stalking him." Temari said, shrugging. "Gaara used to stalk people that interested him all the time before he got on his kill everything kick. Considering she's a female version of him, I'd have been more surprised if she hadn't started stalking him."

"Yes, but this is different." Naruto smirked. "I highly doubt Gaara ever stalked anyone with the purpose of screwing them."

"What?!"

"It would seem that fem!Gaara has developed an obsession with procreating with Lee, and has been stalking him with the intention of doing so. Earlier today, I was heading out to train, when I stumbled upon her accosting Lee asking him when he would be ready to procreate with her. If I were you, I'd suggest someone should give her the talk. Matter of fact, you might want to have someone give Gaara the talk too considering they were the same person just a few weeks ago."

"Um, okay, thanks for the warning." Temari said, entirely unsure of how to approach either Gaara or his freakishly sexy twin about the birds and the bees.

888

While this was going on, Oiroke Gaara could be found walking calmly through the village, enjoying the scenery as it were. She'd just gotten a vow of compliance to procreate with her from the green clad boy who had hit the other Gaara. Unfortunately the boy's sensei overheard them, and insisted that they wait until they were older before breeding. She personally didn't see the point in waiting, but the older man who looked like the boy said that Lee might not be ready for something like that.

This confused her as she could tell perfectly well from the decent sized lump in the crotch of his suit that he was capable of acheiving and maintaining the needed state for the male part of human mating. She wasn't exactly sure about her own fertility, and didn't know if she was ovulating- as the surprisingly nice nurse had explained it- but she figured that if he had a suitable enough volume and potency, she should be able to conceive like the books said. But what would happen after that? She would certainly raise any young she reared, but she would first have to learn how to do that. Maybe this is what the larger green man meant when he said they weren't ready.

'Hmm, I shall have to ask Temari.' Fem!Gaara thought. 'Other me is unlikely to know, and it's doubtful that the brother I dislike for some unknown reason has any experience with the opposite sex.'

Her internal musing was cut short when she bumped into a slightly larger, much more solid barrier. Looking up into the face of the person she'd just collided with, her eyes met the wild eyes of the dog boy. Tilting her head, she gave him a single glance, before trying to step around him, only for him to move and block her path. This would not do. She didn't want to use violence. She was taking her twin's lead on this one, and since he'd stopped killing indiscriminantly, that meant she couldn't just use her sand to deal with the situation...or could she? She remembered seeing part of a cartoon once where the one character punched the annoying other character with a boxing glove. Now, she didn't have a glove, but she had a suitable substitute.

Kiba couldn't believe his luck. He'd been hoping to run into this girl for nearly a month. While he realised that he didn't have a chance with Haku or Hinata- and after hearing the rumors about Naruto's bloodline, he could see why he never stood a chance- he was sure that he had more to offer than Lee. He was certainly better looking. While he might have to cut short his time helping Shino- who was standing a few feet away, as they were going to help train Shino's new jutsu for the finals- he was sure his teammate would understand. Noticing her trying to leave, Kiba stepped in front of her to prevent such a travesty, so that he would have an ample chance to woo her.

Before he even had a chance to speak his first word, a fist as big as his torso made of soft, yet solidly packed sand appeared right in front of him. In his shock, he never had a chance of dodging as the fist collided with his face, and temporarily relieved him of consciousness. The pretty kunoichi then firmly told the unconscious boy that she was already taken by the only man worthy of her, Rock Lee. While Kiba missed the message due to the sleepy bye, a firm glare at his companion ensured that the message would be delivered when he awoke.

Upon waking, blinking away the cobwebs, and focusing once again on his surroundings- which just so happened to be the same area of the market district where he'd been knocked out- a face appeared above his.

"You have failed again." Shino stated in his monotone. "It would seem that your canine instincts have given you the bad habit of chasing bones that belong to superior alphas."

"Shino-" Kiba grumbled from the ground.

"Yes."

"Shut up." Giving what amounted to an Aburame shrug, Shino helped his teammate to his feet, and they continued to the training ground to help Shino train for the finals.

888888

A few days and hours later would find Gaara sitting on the roof of the hotel he was staying in, staring at the moon. Usually mother was in a particularly restless state during the full moon, but tonight, she was oddly calm. It was nice for once to be able to sit out, enjoy the cloudless sky, and stare at the beautiful night sky without worrying about a sudden attack of bloodlust. It was for this reason that Gaara was wholly unsurprised to have his tranquil moment interrupted.

"What do you want?" Gaara asked the Sound ninja that had disturbed his tranquil evening.

"Well, I was planning to get you as you slept, but you don't sleep, do you?" The bandaged boy boasted. "Instead, we can just fight here, that way I'll have a higher chance of facing Sasuke-kun. I know all about your sand attacks, and your nudity attacks as well. I have to wonder if they'll be able to save you from my sound attacks."

"'He' usually gets bloodthirsty during the full moon." Gaara muttered. "But for once he's calm, and you're ruining my one chance to enjoy the full moon. I would hate for you get 'his' attention, so if you would-."

Whatever else he was going to say was halted as his sand shot forward faster than he'd ever seen it move, wrapped the boy up, and compressed tighter than even he thought was possible. With a groan and sigh, Gaara stood from his perch, and made his way to the apartment that he'd learned belonged to the blond who'd done so much to help him curb his bloodlust. For some reason, he hoped that the blond understood, and wasn't disappointed in him for crushing that boy, even if it wasn't completely his fault.

At the same time, Naruto was reading from his family scroll when he found a very interesting seal inside. Oddly enough, the ink for this seal- one called the special Uzumaki jacuzzi- was much more fresh than the others, so he guessed that it was one his mother had created. What the seal did, was causes a still body of water to bubble and warm up. The warmth and bubbles came by way of Rasengan like swirling chakra, that tended to caress the body in oh so delightful ways. The chakra helped the swirling waters soothe muscles like noone's business.

Naruto grinned, this would be the perfect seal for he, Hinata, and Haku after training. Heck, he might even share it with Sakura on the days he really tortured her- as she'd taken to calling his training methods, even if she could already see results. Reading further Naruto found an interesting side note, as well as a rather blunt warning. The note was a simple mention about how Minato had used his Rasengan to try and impress her with a jacuzzi, and inspired her to create a seal that could duplicate the effects, so they could enjoy the...benefits, together.

The warning, though, was what made him change his mind about sharing the seal with his girlfriends, and especially Sakura...well, for the time being in the case of the former two. The warning stated in no uncertain terms that the jacuzzi had a side effect of extreme horniness that had a 99 percent chance of leading to sex. That meant it was inadvisable to use this along with another person unless you're sharing the tub with someone you're already intimate with. What was neglected to mention, was that the swirling waters combined with the swirling chakra could easily lead to an orgasm, which lead to further horniness that led to the sex. And with wind natured ninja, there wasn't even that 1 percent chance that it might not lead to sex.

As the blushing Naruto was resealing that particular technicue scroll back into the storage seal on the big scroll, Haku called to him that dinner was ready. Naruto grinned widely as he stood and headed over to the small table where Hinata was helping set the table for three. For the past month, Hinata had been visiting every night, learning how to cook from Haku. Initially, she'd wanted to surprise her boyfriend, but found that after being somewhat pampered for most of her life, she didn't know how to cook. The annoying part about it, was that she couldn't do so at home, because it would get back to her father, and regardless of what he felt about their relationship, she doubted he would have a favorable opinion about her domestic pursuits.

Ironically enough, if she had gone to Hiashi, she would have found a very eager volunteer for a teacher. Her father and uncle were avid chefs, even if they didn't often flex their culinary skills. The secret that only a few knew, was that the twins had considered opening their own restaurant before they realised that clan stuff would take up far too much time, and Hizashi didn't want to go the project alone; they did have plans to make a real go of it as soon as the heiress took over the clan, hence why Hiashi was adamant that Hinata remain the heir, as Hanabi would set them back another five or six years. It was also a well hidden secret that Hiashi and his now deceased wive used to annex the kitchen from the clan staff on their spouse's birthday- and together on their anniversaries- and prepare romantic meals for each other.

Anyway, back to the point. Hinata was learning to cook, and that night, home made ramen had been on the menu. Now Naruto thought Haku's ramen was absolutely delicious, but in a true comparison, all three were confident enough to admit that it still wasn't as good as Ichiraku. When asked about it, he'd told Naruto that the only way he'd get that recipe, is if he married Ayame, who he was passing it down to. Now Naruto didn't know if that was an emphatic no, or if the man had been hinting at something, but Haku's contemplative look- which soon ended in a head shake- had actually made him snicker. Apparently he wasn't the only one addicted to Ichiraku now. Either way, he was still perfectly content to visit the restaurant for the best ramen on the planet as far as Naruto was concerned.

As he was passing the door, he heard a knock coming from the other side. Wondering who could possibly be coming to visit him at this time of night, as the only two people who usually visited him at night were already there, Naruto answered the door. Upon opening it, he found a mildly distraught Gaara on the other side. Now while he wasn't showing any of the usual signs, Naruto and Gaara had been best friends in his own time, and Naruto could tell when his friend was upset.

"Hey Gaara, what's wrong?"

"I crushed someone with my sand tonight."

"Who, when, what happened?" Naruto said, leading him over to the couch.

"The guy from Sound that made the finals, and about ten minutes ago." Gaara explained as Naruto sat him on the couch. "As for what happened, well, I was minding my own business, staring at the moon..." As he told his tale, Naruto frowned.

'So that's why the matches in the finals were an eight seed tournament instead of nine.' Naruto thought. 'Man, I really should have read the entire Chuunin Exams arc in that manga, rather than skipping to the parts where I kicked Kiba and Neji's asses.'

"And then, when he attacked, my sand kind of got a little ahead of me, and he went splat." Gaara finished. "You're not bothered?"

"Nah, if I know him, he probably tried to kill you beforehand, so it's not so much a problem since it was self-defense."

"Oh, okay, that makes me feel a little better."

"Remember, baby steps, Gaara. You can't quit killing so easily cold turkey, but since Oiroke helps with the blood lust, we'll have you weaned off of that psychotic behavior in no time. Say, Hinata, Haku, and I were about to sit down to some home made ramen, would you like to join us? I don't think they'd mind, and there seems to be plenty."

"I wouldn't want to impose." Gaara said.

"It's no problem, Gaara-san, we'd be happy to have you join us." Haku said, smiling, and being followed only moments later by Hinata's agreeing voice.

"Thank you, I would like that." For his part, Gaara was soaking in the novelty. He'd never been included in leisurely group activities before, and after experiencing it in Konoha, he was having some doubts about the coming invasion. After all, why would you want to destroy a place that treated you with a kindness that your own home village had so harshly denied you.

As the quartet sat around the small table, enjoying the rather delicious ramen that Haku and Hinata prepared, they engaged in more idle chat, and silly small talk that Gaara found himself quite enjoying. While he and Gaara did the dishes- after all, since Haku and Hinata cooked, it was only fair that they cleaned up- Naruto invited Gaara to join an elite organization: the International Coalition of Underappreciated People (ICUP). He explained that it was a support group for the undesired and underappreciated members of society that totally didn't deserve to be shunned. His great hope was to meet with and recruit every poor sap who'd been saddled with a furry indigestion problem, and let them know that they had someone to talk to, and commiserate with.

At that point in time, there were only three members; Naruto as club president, Hinata as the vice president, Haku as the secretary- since she was better organised than her younger counterparts, and if he joined, and wanted the job, Gaara would be the treasurer. Since the group as a whole was more for moral support rather than financial, there wasn't really much work for him to do. Happy to be included as a part of a group, Gaara quickly agreed before Naruto had a chance to change his mind, even if Naruto had no intention of doing so. Little did Naruto know that his club- his made up on the spot, and pulled completely out of his ass club- would grow, and future members would include all of the former Jinchuuriki, Lee, Tenten, Gai, Shizune, and suprisingly Danzo.

888888

With less than a week left before the Chuunin Exam finals, Naruto got a sudden- well, I guess you could call it a visit- from NB.

"Heya brat." He snickered at Naruto's grumble.

'What do you want?' Naruto asked. 'Surely you have better things to do than bother me, right?'

"Actually, I do have more important things to occupy my time with." NB said, causing Naruto again frown. "I just wanted to give you a message that you should probably come up with a plan for a match with Temari."

'But, the finals are like three days away.' Naruto complained. 'Couldn't you have told me this sooner?'

"I could have, but I thought it might be amusing to watch you panic." NB replied teasingly. "No, really though, I just realised it myself. You see, I had this really funny idea of something sick and twisted to do to Orochimaru, but once I started fleshing it out, I realised that it would require the tournament to run longer, and that it would result in you having to face either Shino or Temari. I hadn't decided on who to have you face until just a few minutes ago. In the end, I realised that having you face Shino would be way too easy. Considering you're not likely to have to fight Gaara, and you still had enough chakra to summon over two thousand clones and Gamabunta after fighting Neji, I knew that Shino's hives could gourge themselves, and you'd still have more chakra left than the average Jounin."

'You do realise-'

"Yes, if my Oc Kazuma ever shows up, you're going to make him suffer a prank marathon." NB finished for him. "So long as you hook him up with either Hana, Ayame, or Temari as compensation, I say enjoy yourself. Well, gotta go, sights to hear, and sounds to see."

Naruto was going to reply with a snarky comment, but that last statement brought him up short in confusion. He thought about it for a second, before realising he really didn't want to know. The freak out factor that guy was capable of put anything his clan came up to shame; and considering they were technically a fictional family in his world, and lived in a world where people were routinely capable of doing things that suspended belief, that was saying something.

"Well, at least now I get the chance to make good on my warning to Temari about embarrassing her."

Naruto left his apartment, whistling a jaunty tune as he walked three meters to his left, and knocked on the door to Haku's apartment. Upon being invited in, Naruto got straight to business...well, after a nice hello kiss, of course. "Haku, you're pretty good with pressure points, right?"

"I'm fairly decent."

"Well, I once heard that there were a set of pressure points that if hit, could make a girl orgasm uncontrollably." Lost in memory of all the perverted crap Ero-Sennin had tried to teach him the first time around, that he was now wishing he'd listened to, he almost missed it when Haku frowned at him. "Don't worry, I'm not planning to use it on anyone except you and Hinata with those intentions, and only with your permission."

"And what other intentions can it be used for?" Haku asked, both curious and wary.

"Well, I was thinking a little bit of payback for the Sand chick for what she did to Tenten." Naruto said. "I promised that I'd humiliate her the same way she did Tenten."

"Don't you think this is a little extreme?" Haku inquired. "And just a bit inappropriate?"

"If she had been matched up against Hinata and done something like that, I'd have used pure fuuton manipulation to strip her naked, and then used that technique if I could figure it out."

Haku wasn't sure if this was proper or not, but Tenten was a good friend, and if Naruto was going to avenge her honor, she would help. After all, due to the damage her back suffered, Tenten would never be able to really dominate a guy in bed, something women in her family- both her original one, and her adopted one- were well known for. Now she would have to spend the rest of her life with either mediocre lovers, or accept that good sex would always result in her getting her back blown out- which would unfortunately give her the same issue Oonoki had in her advanced age.

"Well, there are two such points, but they have to be hit at exactly the same time." Haku then unbuttoned, and pulled down her pants a bit to show him where they were, and how to manipulate them.

Unfortunately the points were right below the waist line, occupying an area that was very easy to miss if you didn't know where they were exactly, and even just the slightest bit off, and you would look like a pervert grabbing at some girl's naughty place. Luckily for Naruto, he had two days, and the ability to create upwards of two thousand clones at once.

888

As Naruto was learning how to make a woman orgasm hard enough to squirt, gush, splash, and leave a puddle behind just from pressure points, Kakashi was having a clandestine meeting with the Hokage. This meeting was in regards to the fact that a certain sick bastard- who wasn't NB for once- had decided to mentor Naruto in the Uzumaki specialty: all things pranks. Having recently been on the receiving end of a forcefully prolapsed rectum via jutsu- something he wouldn't wish on even people he hated- Kakashi felt that it was a very bad idea for Naruto to be mentored in pranks by someone who'd been schooled by Kushina Uzumaki.

Madam Habenero had a vindictive streak, and prolapsing ones rectum was severely tame compared to some of the things she'd been rumored to do to enemy ninja, and criminals that were beyond pale. After three hours of discussion- which was really just an hour long bitch fit by Kakashi about having his rectum prolapsed, followed by two hours of paranoia propaganda filled with haunting anecdotes of pranks he'd seen Kushina pull- Sarutobi came to the conclusion that it might be best if Naruto weren't mentored by Xeno.

Given that there wasn't a legally and morally legitimate way of barring Xeno from mentoring Naruto- damn his big heart, and caring nature- Sarutobi decided to deal with the matter in a way that would keep the man far away from Naruto, as well as benefit Konoha. Going through the stack of documents headed for the shredder, Sarutobi pulled out the marriage alliance treaty from the Mizukage that had been delivered by one of the Jounin escorting a squad of Mist Genin.

When he'd seen the proposed husband that the village was asking for, he'd immediately tossed it. While Mei Terumi was indeed a beautiful woman, he also knew that there was a lot of baggage that would be coming with it. There was also the fact that Naruto already was looking at having two wives, and he refused to force another on him without a very good reason. Besides, he didn't quite trust a woman who was asking for a twelve year old to become her husband- and he didn't care if the boy was a stamina freak, or about his supposed bloodline. Maybe if he sent a counter-offer with a suitable replacement, he could satisfy everyone involved. After all, if Xeno had inherited his father's talents, it could lead to very friendly associations with Mist. He still couldn't figure out how no one noticed. The resemblance was even more obvious that the one with Naruto and Minato aside from a few differences. But then again, he'd known Jiraiya since his student was six, and would be more likely to notice it.

Two days later, in fact, the night before the Chuunin Exam Finals, Xenoguyver was sitting in his apartment staring at the mission scroll he'd just received from his Hokage. Of all the missions he'd ever expected to be assigned, this was the one mission he'd never figured he'd be assigned to. To think, he was being assigned the mission of entering into a political marriage with the Mizukage, Mei Terumi. Well, it could definitely be worse. The woman was insanely hot, after all.

Mei was a slender woman, with a very large bust. While not quite on the same level as Tsunade, it was close. She had jade green eyes that were simply enchanting, and ankle-length, auburn hair styled into a herringbone pattern at the back, and a top-knot tied with a dark blue band. She had four bangs in the front, two short with one covering her right eye, and two long, crossing each other just below her chin.

Her preferred attire was a long-sleeved, dark blue dress that fell down to just below her knees, and closed at the front with a zip that branched off to her hip diagonally. It had a long, wide split up the right side that resulted in a gap on the front-right side from the waist down that exposed one of her very well shaped legs. The top of her dress was low cut, baring her shoulders and a sizeable amount of cleavage.

Underneath that she wore a mesh armour that covered only just a bit more of her upper body than her dress. All of that, combined with mesh leggings made for a very sexy image. And if that wasn't enough, she finished the ensemble off with high-heeled sandals, dark blue polish on her fingers and toes, and dark blue lipstick. Dear sweet Kami was she sexy, and if you don't believe him, you can do a google image search for the Godaime Mizukage Mei Terumi and see for yourself. He was damn lucky to be wed to such a beauty.

Even if she was a bit unstable, most of that seemed to stem from her desire to marry, and the surprising lack of any interested parties. Given what this mission entailed, there was a good chance that the instability that made her so feared would actually be resolved. Even as happy as he was- especially given his poor prospects in his home village due to him still being considered 'Kushina's Bitch' even over a decade after her death- he was still saddened to be going now. Not only had he not had very much time to spend with his pseudo-nephew, but he wouldn't even get to see him compete in the final round of the Chuunin Exams.

He was expected to travel back to Kirigakure along with the escort his betrothed had sent to ensure his arrival. Apparently Mei didn't want to wait any longer than she had to to change her relationship status, so there would be no delaying their nuptials. The mandatory big social affair of a wedding would come later.

888

At the same time, Naruto could be found smothered on both his left and right by warmth, softness, and wonderful scents. He didn't know how they'd gotten Hiashi to agree to begin with, but the man had actually consented to allowing Hinata to spend the night at Naruto's apartment with he and Haku. Of course, he had quite firmly stipulated that there had to be a responsible adult there to chaperone, which accounted for Iruka being in the general vicinity of Naruto's apartment.

Luckily, Anko had also tagged along- having missed out on things like this when she was their age for various different reasons- and had done a very good job of distracting their chaperone after the usual fun and games had ended. Even still, the three youngsters were mature and responsible enough to not take advantage of the situation. Sure there was quite a bit of cuddling and snuggling, and even a bit of tonguey kissing, but nothing that would set off any adult sensory alarms that said children were crossing a line they shouldn't. It was shortly after the trio had settled on the large pile of blankets for bed that a subject that had become an issue with the two kunoichi was broached.

"Naruto, would you mind terribly if Hinata and I addressed you as Naruto-kun until further notice, rather than Naruto-sama?" Haku suddenly asked.

"It never really mattered to me one way or another, but why the sudden change?" Naruto asked curiously. "You seemed to enjoy the reactions people had to you calling me that."

"We do," Haku admitted, and Hinata nodded into his chest where her head sat, listening to Naruto's heartbeat. The soft thud of the strong muscle was quickly driving her into a sleepy state. "But I've noticed that others aren't the only ones reacting to it."

"Oh?"

"W-we're reacting too." Hinata said sleepily, even as her face reddened.

"I cannot speak for Hinata-chan, but recently- ever since you placed that seal on us- everytime I've addressed you as Naruto-sama, I've felt a burning heat ripping through my loins, up to my nipples. When I use it my body feels like it's preparing for a level of intimacy that we have not quite reached in our relationship."

"So you're saying-"

"Yes, calling you Naruto-sama arouses me greatly, and it would probably be best if we dialed back that particular honorific until our relationship progresses to sexual intimacy."

"Hinata, you feel the same way?" Unable to trust her voice at the moment, she nodded rapidly.

"Oh, okay." Naruto said. "Whatever works best for you."

As the three relaxed on the soft make-shift bed, Naruto was kind of glad they'd decided to stop calling him that for the time being. After that conversation, he just knew he was going to start reacting to them calling him Naruto-sama; especially with them both having soft, breathy voices. Oddly enough, Hinata would come up with the idea a few minutes later, that any new girls to the family would be required to call him Naruto-sama for at least the first couple months.

"But I thought you said-"

"It is only saying it that arouses us." Haku explained. "Hearing it only makes us feel happy and tingly all over...but not in a sexual way."

"Okay, but what about what she said about new girls." Naruto asked.

"Just because we don't have any plans to add anymore, doesn't mean we shouldn't have protocols in place should we happen to find another girl to compliment our family."

Deciding not to think too much on it, and wanting to get a good nights sleep for his big coming out party the next day, Naruto pulled his arms tighter around his girlfriends, and allowed morpheous to claim him. In his opinion, it would be the best night of sleep he could ever remember having.

88888888

1. Everything from this number one until the next one was initally and idea presented to me by Xenoguyver. This is why I made him into an Oc.

2. batamut is to thank for this particularly devious prank

88888888

I have nothing left to say to explain myself, so I won't bother trying.