Horizon was a nightmare.

She had been telling herself the whole journey that everything was going to work out now. She and Garrus had finally seemed to make some sort of progress, and after they were done here, they were going to talk. Maybe he didn't hate her after all. Maybe everything would go back to normal.

But the horrors on Horizon just added to the pain in her chest. The husks from Eden Prime, the humans frozen in stasis fields, the giant bug-faces of the Collectors. It was getting harder and harder to respond to Garrus' playful jabs as Saren kept commenting on the interesting new finds.

It was odd that Saren was talking to her during a fight. Usually it was the only time she got any silence in her own head. She would be concentrating on killing whatever enemy was in her way and the beautiful quiet in her head would continue only until her surroundings were silent. As soon as she was alone he would start right back up. But now, not even the bustling of the mission was able to sate his vicious temper.

That's when Harbinger introduced itself.

"I am assuming direct control," it said as it possessed one of the Collectors, making it infinitely more powerful.

Garrus and Shepard shared a meaningful glance. They had seen this before.

A Reaper possessing the life of an organic, Saren teased. Seems vaguely familiar, yes?

Shut up, Shepard thought.

It appears that you will follow in my foot-steps exactly, Shepard.

"Shut up!"

"Commander?" Mordin asked.

Shit, she thought, realizing she had said it out loud. She cleared her throat and made some half-assed excuse as they continued forward. She caught Garrus looking at her. She could have sworn he looked sad.

"Er, EDI," Shepard commanded. "We need those defense towers online!"

By the time the Praetorian showed up, she had already had more than too-much of this place.

"New Collector template," Mordin chimed. "Don't know what it is. Keep your distance."

"Well now that we have a nice firm grasp on the obvious," Garrus laughed as he lined up his shot.

What the hell is this thing,Shepard thought as the giant, floating, crustacean looking thing, fired blue lasers out of its eyes. On top of that, every time they thought they were making progress it would plummet to the ground and explode with biotic energy, which regenerated its kinetic shields.

"Attack not effective," Mordin would call out, as if she didn't already know that.

"We're not making any progress," she said into her comm. "This is getting ridiculous."

She peeked out from behind her cover to get a good look at it.

He saw Shepard lean out of cover to examine the new threat, and he could tell she was getting frustrated at the little progress they were making. The shield-regenerating-explosion really was getting on everyone's nerves. He lined up his cross-hairs.

"If we just keep pressure on it, I think we can take it down," he said just as he took a shot.

He looked over at her again and she was crouched with her shotgun in one hand and the other on the ground, like she was getting ready to sprint. In the distance, Mordin took a shot, and the beast hunkered down to regenerate again. By the time Garrus had realized what she had planned to do, she was already running.

She leaped onto the back of the monster and unloaded every piece of ammo in her shot gun right into the top of its head. He could hear her roaring even through the shot-gun blasts. The thing wailed in agony, but didn't drop.

"Commander, look out!" Garrus shouted.

But she didn't budge.

The biotic energy exploded from the beast and he heard her grunt in pain as it sent her flying. Garrus, without even thinking, abandoned his rifle and charged for her. The impact of catching her, and pulling her into cover, knocked him onto the flat of his back behind the large crate.

Garrus was growling. "Impetuous human," he spat. "I won't attend your funeral twice."

She laughed once, sitting up.

"It wouldn't be like old times if you didn't get to save me when I try and get myself killed."

He chuckled as they got back to their feet and he reached for his pistol.

"Really? A pistol?"

"Well I would use my rifle but it's where I dropped it so I could catch your fragile ass."

"Well that was stupid," she said smiling.

"I hate you ...just... so much right now."

He smiled. He couldn't help it. Just a brief glimpse of that light in her eyes coming back made him hopeful that he could help her. He started getting anxious to talk to her. If just promising to talk helped her this much, he figured actually doing it might turn her around completely.

The Praetorian didn't even leave a corpse for them to examine afterward. It just burst into ashes. Shepard started charging toward the other side of the battlefield as the collector ship started to take off with the colony. Mordin was, what looked like, playing in the ashes.

"God damn it," Shepard cursed, kicking a crate as she watched the ship fly away with at least half of the colonists in it.

One of the colonists shouted and harangued her, tried to get her to stop them, like there was something she could do at this point. Garrus was seriously contemplating punching the small man when his thought process was interrupted by a familiar voice.

"Commander Shepard. Captain of the Normandy. The first human Specter. Savior of the Citadel. You're in the presence of a legend, Delan. And a ghost."

It was Kaidan.

"All the good people we lost and you get left behind? Figures," Delan whined. "I'm done with you Alliance types," he said as he stormed off.

Shepard smiled. She was glad Kaidan was safe, if nothing else.

He approached cautiously, almost examining her, before pulling her into his arms.

"I thought you were dead, Shepard. We all did."

She returned the gesture before pulling away. She didn't know what to say.

"It's been too long, Kaidan," she said. "How have you been?"

"That's all you have to say? You show up after two years and act like nothing happened? I...I loved you, Shepard!"

She rubbed the back of her neck and winced, obviously regretting her choice of words. Or maybe regretting his. Either way Garrus knew she was never very good at things like this.

"Thinking you were dead tore me apart. How could you put me through that? Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive? I see you thought Garrus important enough to be let into the loop."

"Shepard met up with me almost two weeks ago, Kaidan. It's not like we've been together these past years." Garrus' mandibles clicked anxiously. Even he knew this wasn't going to go anywhere good.

"It's not like I was alive and happy and just not telling you. I was dead. For two years before Cerberus put me back together. And when I did come back they tell me you've moved on and are doing fine without me. It just seemed like a selfish thing to do, intrude on your life after so long."

"That's right," he said angrily. "I did move on. At least...I thought I did. But I've been hearing these reports about you and Cerberus partnering up and... well..."

"Cerberus and I want the same thing, that's as far as our 'partnering' goes. But the alliance declared me dead. Them and the council aren't going to help me find out what's happening to these people, they've already made that perfectly clear. They're not going to help me stop the Reapers. You think I haven't heard what they said about me? My corpse wasn't even cold in the atmosphere before they started dismissing everything I said. Everything you and I tried to stop. Everything our people died for. Cerberus is just giving me the resources I need to do what has to be done."

"Do you really believe that? Or is that just what Cerberus wants you to think? You're working with the enemy now. How can I trust anything you say? You've turned your back on everything we believed in, everything we've fought for! You've betrayed the alliance, you've betrayed me."

Garrus was starting to get angry, flexing his talons. How could Kaidan say those kinds of things? Even he, who had known there was something deeply troubled in her, trusted her enough to follow her regardless.

He thought of the night before Ilos, when she had told him that the people who admired her weren't really friends, but fans. That they didn't really know her. He understood what she meant now. Anyone who really knew her then, wouldn't be doubting her motivations now. He noticed her hands starting to shake as she fought her anger.

"I turned my back? Last I checked I was risking my newly revived ass to save our colonies! I'm out here fighting for those who can't fight for themselves, who have been abandoned by the council and the alliance. That's what I've always believed in. You know I would only do this for the right reason, I have never lead you astray in the past! The collectors are taking humans and they're answering to the Reapers!"

He exhaled through his nose, scowling at her.

"I want to believe you, Shepard. But I don't. Trust. Cerberus. What if they're behind it? They could be using the Reaper threat to manipulate you. They could be controlling you the same way Sovereign was controlling Saren!"

A long silence.

"Saren...?" she said. Even Garrus hardly heard it. Her shaking hands clenched into angry fists, and Garrus saw her wince, bringing a hand to her head. He was definitely angry now.

"Damn it, Kaidan," Garrus finally snapped. "This isn't about trusting them, it's about trusting Shepard. You're so focused on Cerberus you're blinding yourself to the real threat!"

"Maybe," Kaidan said. "Or maybe you feel like you owe Cerberus something for saving you. Maybe it's you two who aren't thinking straight." He leaned into Shepard, poking her in the chest to accent his words. "I still know where my loyalties lie," he said.

Garrus stepped between the two and glowered over the tiny man.

"So do I," he rumbled.

"I'm an alliance soldier," he said, staring daggers up at the turian. "That has to come first."

"Then it's obvious you were never really loyal to her in the first place." He took a step forward, making Kaidan take a step bacK, widening the distance between him and Shepard.

"I've got to report back to the citadel. We'll see if they believe your story or not."

"That's just like you," Garrus said. "Only believing what they tell you to believe. You never could fight for anything on your own."

Kaidan, furious, eyed him up and down. "I may blindly follow the alliance. But you blindly follow Shepard. What's the difference? You have no right to feel superior over me."

"The difference is that Shepard earned our loyalty. The alliance bought yours."

"You don't know anything, Vakarian," Kaidan said turning to walk away. He paused and sadly looked back over his shoulder. "Good bye, Shepard," he said. "Be careful."

He walked away and Garrus, seething, turned around. It was all he could do to keep himself from throttling the human with his bare hands. The rage left just as quickly as it had manifested when he looked at Shepard. She was shivering. Her brow was set hard, her teeth were gnashing in her mouth. She looked like she was about to scream. Her eyes were closed and her hands were on either side of her head like she was trying to squeeze Saren's voice out of it.

"Shepard?"

"Interesting reaction," Mordin said, tapping something on his omni-tool. His face and hands covered in black ashy smudges. "Unaware of surroundings. Possibly correlated to sleep deprivation. Sanity waning. Heartbeat increasing to alarming levels. Cardiac arrest imminent without proper treatment."

"Shepard wake up!" Garrus shouted, shaking her, panic quickly rising in him.

"Mental instability reaching peak. Must receive medical treatment before total collapse."

"What? No... fine. I'm fine," she said, clearing her throat with a hand on her forehead. She shook her head out, bringing herself back to reality. Garrus thought her usually green eyes almost looked gray they were so dark now.

"Shepard you're not fine," he said.

"Yes. Yes I am, let's get the hell out of here. I've had enough of this place."

"Medical attention needed," Mordin pushed. "Need to administer anti-psychotics to stabilize mental function, serious side effects involved with going untreated."

"I said I'm fine, Solus. Now get back to the ship."

"Hey Commander, it's uh... pretty crazy the people you can run into out here, huh? It was probably a set up or something but it was still good to see Kaidan. Staff Commander Alenko, wasn't it?"

"Just another reminder of how I've lost more than time," she said sadly. "I don't need this crap."

"Right, understood, Commander."

She headed straight to her cabin. Garrus would probably do his normal routine of showering and suiting into his casuals before coming up to talk to her like he'd promised, if he was even going to now.

Why would he? Saren asked. He's just like the rest of them, Shepard. He doesn't trust you anymore.

Either way she needed to clear her head first. At least that's what she told herself. Ignoring the voice in her head.

She sat down at her desk to idly go through the copious messages she hadn't read yet. Maybe if she at least pretended to read them Kelly Chambers wouldn't keep reminding her about them when she walked onto the bridge.

She's really not a bad kid, she thought. It bothered her that she was so cold to her crew, regardless that they didn't really seem to notice. She had never had trouble connecting with the strangers on a ship before.

Well, you're dead, Shepard. That could be impeding your personal skills.

"Shut up," she said. "I'm not dead. Not anymore."

Ah, but you were. You even had a funeral.

That's right. Garrus had said that. Not directly, but had said he wasn't going to go to her funeral again, which meant he went to her first one, right? She quickly closed her messages and did a search on the extranet.

There were at least twenty streams of coverage from that day. She looked through most of them, but they weren't really coverage, just information. It was held on the presidium, Councilor Anderson was in attendance, the rest of the council wasn't.

Hah, of course they weren't, Saren said. Or maybe she thought it. It was getting hard to tell the difference.

Then she saw Westerlund News. Of course they had full coverage of it. It was like they had front row seats to her whole damn life. Death included. She clicked it.

She saw Councilor Anderson's speech. She saw her team standing in front of the stage, each person holding the one next to them. Saw the droves of people who showed up to pay their respects. Though, she hardly noticed them. What her eyes were really on was Garrus, standing there, holding a crying Tali.

After the short ceremony everyone started going up to the stage to rest something on her coffin. The camera wasn't close enough to hear what anyone said, but she could see it all well enough. She laughed when she saw Wrex put the gun on there, and wondered idly how she would go about getting it. It was hers after all, right?

Then Liara went, then Kaidan, then Garrus...

He had an orchid in his hand. He had remembered.

He held it up like he was afraid to set it down. She could tell he was talking but couldn't make out what he was saying. The tears filled her eyes faster than she thought they would. The hand that wasn't holding the flower was in a shivering fist and when he finally laid the single flower on her coffin, his hand stayed there for a long time as he continued talking. He raised his other hand to his face as his head sank into it. His shoulders shook. He was crying.

"Oh God," she whispered to herself, hurriedly pausing the video. The tears rolled down her face idly as she hung her head in her armored hands.

You see, Saren said. This is why he no longer trusts you. He's already mourned your humanity.

"That's not true," she said shaking her head. "He said he still trusts me."

Look at him, Shepard.

She did.

Would you trust someone who put you through that kind of pain?

The image was like something out of her nightmares.

"EDI," Shepard said as she hurried to the elevator, trying to wipe the tears from her face. "I'll be in the cargo bay, murdering something."

"Cerberus protocols are clear, Commander. Murder is strictly forbidden on-"

"Shut up, EDI."

One of the first things she did aboard the SR2 was set up the punching bags and weights in the cargo bay, like they were going to help her cope. She hadn't come down here to utilize them much, but Saren wouldn't shut up and the scene at her funeral left her so desolate she needed to assert some kind of control. Needed to get a grip. Everything was slipping away from her just when she thought everything was going to be alright again. She had forgotten to take off her armor, so she did as she entered, hap-haphazardly discarding pieces here and there as she made her way to the punching bag.

Thirty minutes later she hadn't even started to tire out. You'd think after two years of being dead, her muscles would need to rebuild but no. Sweat was her only reward for the work so far. She supposed she had the cybernetics to thank for that as she continued to hammer away at it.

She thought of the machinery in her, tinkering away, making her more than she had been. Making her stronger, faster. God, it enraged her. She thought of Kaidan. What if he had been right? What if the cybernetics in her were being used to make her think things that weren't real? What if Cerberus was controlling her? What if her thoughts weren't her own? Saren thought he was doing the right thing. He thought he was impervious to the indoctrination and it had gotten him killed. Gotten his people killed. She couldn't risk that. What if she got herself killed again? What if she made Garrus suffer through that again?

"He wouldn't care," Saren said. "He's mourned you once already."

In her weakened state, the fury quickly gave way to the madness. She kept telling herself that 'the mission was too important. The mission was too important. She needed to get a grip.' Like she was trying to make herself believe it. Like it was a mantra. Trying to hold onto her sanity. Trying to bite down the doubts, the anger, the complete desolation. Kaidan didn't trust her anymore, Tali didn't trust her anymore, Garrus didn't trust her anymore. She didn't trust her anymore. She didn't even know who she was anymore. Surely if she was her old self, they wouldn't have hesitated to follow her. Something was wrong with her. She was defective. She was broken. Like the machine she was.

Angry tears streamed down her face and darkened spots on the mat under her. Her furious fists were hitting the bag so hard that the rubber of the bag had started to split.

"Absolute power, it's intoxicating, isn't it?" Saren said.

"No. Shut up. Get a grip, Shepard," she said.

"Keep at it,Shepard. No matter how much you fight, you will not tire."

"The mission is too important. I will not let everyone down!" She shouted.

"The mission will fail, Shepard."

"No..."

"You will fail."

"NO!" She roared and lifted both fists above her head and fired them, like missiles, into the rubber of the bag, and it swung so hard that it flew off its hook, toppling to the floor. Her hands trembled like leaves as she looked at them, turning them over. She thought she could see the tiny bits of machinery moving under her skin. She rushed to the wall hung mirror and looked closely into her own eyes. More machinery, tiny gears behind her eyes, glowing red. She hardly looked like herself.

"Oh god," she said, shivering. She looked down at her quivering hands again. "Am I even human anymore?" She looked back up into the mirror and there he was. Saren. Staring back at her in place of her reflection.

"No, Shepard," he said. "You are something greater, now."

"No...Shut up," she shouted, trembling. She pointed at the mirror. " I will not become like you!"

"This is your destiny, Shepard. Embrace it."

She howled, a terrible sound, raising her fists over her head again but, this time, she fired them into the glass of the mirror as hard as she could. The glass cracked and splintered under her fists, but she felt no pain, and it enraged her. She did it again. And again. And again. Her fists flying into the glass, blood and shards raining down around her. Her furious tears still streaming down her cheeks as she shouted, firing her bloodied fists into the glass. She couldn't stop. She was the enemy now. She had to be destroyed. She wouldn't let anyone else get hurt. Not again. Not ever again.

"Shepard, stop!" Saren said, but the voice was different somehow. It wasn't just in her head anymore. It was actually in the room, all around her.

"I will not. Become. Like you!" she screamed, firing her fists into the glass on every accent.

He reached through the wall, grabbing her wrists. She wailed and pulled, trying to wring her wrists free but the more she struggled, the farther out of the shattered mirror he came. She lifted her knee and heel-kicked him as hard as she could in the chest. He stumbled back, growling at her. She scrambled for her pistol on the floor and trained it on him, it shivered in her hands, blood dripping from her fists onto the floor.

"Shepard, what are you doing?" The turian shouted, putting his hands up defensively.

"I am not you, Saren," she raged. "I will not betray my people! I will not take innocent lives! I would...I would sooner die." The realization struck her. She understood now. There was only one way. One way to keep from becoming him. One way to protect everyone. One way to save herself. She pressed the barrel of her pistol up against her temple. "I will not become like you..."

"Jane, No!" he cried, reaching for her.

….Jane?