Naruto: A Cliche Parody

by NarutosBrat

This is a parody of all the most cliche plotlines in fanfiction that I can fit in to this story. Rated M for consistency.

8. The Legends Begin

A/N: After looking at their stats, I've come to realise that there was no way Sasuke could have beaten Itachi under normal circumstances. If Itachi had actually killed the clan for the reason he said, and if he really intended to kill Sasuke, he would have. I don't think it would have been all that difficult for him to turn that sword he used on Orochimaru on Sasuke, and I don't think it's out of the realm of possibility for him to have killed him before then either.

Just so you know, I had Linkin Park's Faint on repeat while I wrote this chapter.

Chapter Summary: Sound and Sand Invade the Leaf...and that doesn't sound dirty at all!

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Previously on Naruto: A Cliche Parody

Then, with a single motion of his right hand, he summoned over a thousand kyuubi enhanced clones.

"Okay, the five hundred on the left, mass Henge into giant Naruto, and deal with that snake summon." Naruto called. "The rest of you are with me."

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Naruto watched as the mass of Narutos- who were to form Voltron Uzumaki- ran up the arena walls, and spilled out of the stadium. It was too bad he couldn't find a way to reward them, as he noticed a few of them dispatching Sound, and incapacitating Sand, ninja as they exited. Once they were gone, Naruto turned to the rest, and began issuing orders.

"Okay, I need another 50 of you guys to separate from the group." They did. "You guys are going to stay here, and help clear the arena." He grinned as the ones that didn't volunteer groaned at not getting the good job. "Dismissed to begin Operation Kitsune Swarm."

"Sir, yes sir!" They all called, saluting, before jumping into battle.

"The rest of you guys, you're on evacuation duty. It may not be as glamorous as kicking Sound ass, but it's way more important. I want you to break into groups of ten. Three of you I want carrying the sleeping civilians. Then I want two of you providing protection detail for each of them. Finally, I want one taking point to keep an overall look out. Oh, and try to take the path of least resistence; no need to put the civilians in unnecessary danger. Once the arena is clear, I want your teams to start evacuating the ones in the village. After all civilians are secure, guard the monument."

"Enemy casualties?" A clone asked.

"I'd prefer to keep the Sand losses down unless you have no choice, meaning you're protecting someone." Naruto said. "If it has a musical note, though, practice extreme prejudice, so long as it doesn't place anyone on our side in danger, or leave a gap in our defenses should you get dispelled."

"What are you going to do boss?" A clone asked.

"I'm going to help whereever I'm needed." He said, before dismissing the group to their job. Glancing down at Gaara, he created another clone, and passed him off to it, before giving it a few instructions, and vanishing in a hail of fishcakes.

"Tch, such a waist of good toppings." The clone muttered, before heading into the temp hospital area with the sleeping Gaara.

When he arrived, he was surprised to find Haku pulling senbon needles out of Sasuke. Not only that, but the injuries he'd seemed to sustain during his match with Gaara were gone, and all of the other Konoha patients were fully healed, and seemed to be getting ready for a fight. Setting Gaara down on a nearby bed, he bent down, and removed the seal on Neji's ankle; just in case there was someone who knew what it was, and how to use it.

"I'm not going to try and tell you to stay out of this, but you will all be careful, and you will not place yourselves in unnecessary danger." He ordered, noticing that both Temari and Kankuro had been restrained. Oddly enough, he missed the looks everyone shared. The consensus, do what he said. "I'll give you two the same option I gave Gaara, you can be considered a threat, or you can take a nap while Konoha deals with things."

Kankuro sent a quick glance at his little brother, then gave a fake yawn. "I could certainly use a nap."

Temari just shrugged, and after an application of a sleep seal, the three were sealed into a medical stasis scroll to wait out the invasion, and the scroll given to Haku. That done, he headed back out into the battleground, followed by the other Konoha Genin. Sparing only a quick glance at the massive purple monolith, the clone jumped into the fray, hoping that jiji really would be okay like NB had told the boss.

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Inside the Topless Purple Box of Doom- And that was the last time Orochimaru would hold a raffle to let one of his minions name one of his techniques. I mean really, who cares about PR in a dictatorship where you're far and away stronger than the next strongest guy, and everyone is too afraid of you to revolt?- an epic battle had been taking place. As Orochimaru applied the control seals to the two former Hokage, he let loose a sinister chuckle- one that sounded like the perverted giggles of a pedophile.

"Hey!" Orochimaru yelled, somehow having heard the narration, and took great offense to the insinuations.

While he could admit that some of his actions were suspect, he wasn't gay at all, nor did he have any sexual interest in children. Like every other guy on the planet that had seen her as an adult, he'd had his fair share of naughty dreams and fantasies about his exceptionally busty former teammate. He'd also had quite a few about that scary as hell- obsessed with finding a husband- redhead that Kiri had chosen as the Mizukage. Though in truth, her appointment had been the reason he'd gone with Suna for help, rather than Kiri. Something about her just screamed stay away, much like Kushina Uzumaki had when he'd considered experimenting on her to learn more about her special chakra. He wouldn't be at all surprised if the Mizukage was Uzumaki somewhere up the line.

While Kumo and Iwa were likely more interested in revenge, Ei hated his former team with a passion, and his spies had found evidence that the boy he'd humbled decades ago was now fast enough to make good on the promise to 'fuck him up'. As for Oonoki...regardless of his personal feelings towards Konoha and the Yellow Flash, he still respected Sarutobi-sensei as a warrior too much to help; and was too prideful to go about doing it his way. Not to mention anyone good enough to keep his position at that age with bad hips would have definitely thrown off his plans if he'd tried what he'd done with the Kazekage. And he'd gotten things way off the point.

Anyway, Orochimaru knew that the application of his Curse Seal really worked against him- and if it hadn't been for Kabuto being such a good medic, he'd kill the brat for suggesting that he apply it that way- but he wasn't a seal master damn it, and he couldn't apply really complex seals using only his hand and chakra like sensei, Jiraiya, Minato, and blondie's psycho girlfriend could without using Sage Chakra. Not only that, but even using that, he wasn't good enough to gently place the seal, so would probably end up killing anyone he tried to apply it to from the force. Of course, defending his sexuality has also gotten us off topic. The point is that Orochimaru was applying the control seals to his to new tools.

As he ordered the two Hokage to attack, he relaxed to watch the destruction of his sensei. Barely two seconds after he'd done that, his eyes bulged nearly out of his skull, and his entire torso exploded in pain. Using the arm- that was connected to the fist buried in his stomach- he was doubled over as leverage to stand back up, he found himself staring into the angry glaring eyes of one of the strongest shinobi in history, and easily the baddest sumbitch of the Warring Clans Era. He just knew this was going to end badly. The pervading question in his head as the foot of the Nidaime came rocketing towards his head...

'How the hell did this happen?'

To answer that question, we'd have to go back in time three days. Three days prior found Orochimaru sitting in the hotel room he was using along with the Sound team whose sensei he was posing as. Kabuto had joined him, after using the guise of some random shinobi. Unfortunately, suspicions of the Hidden Sound's connections with Orochimaru had sent up red flags- okay, so an anonymous tip from Naruto to the intelligence division from Naruto got the ball rolling- and the group was being watched. In an odd bit of irony, the slippery Genin ended up helping Konoha root out a bunch of spies, as the guises that Kabuto was taking were spies from other villages. Once taken in for questioning, their duplicitous loyalties would find all but one executed.

Haku was not amused, and vowed to express her displeasure with the bastard using her form the first chance she got. As a matter of fact, the inhumane- and likely anatomically impossible- atrocities that Haku had muttered about committing had tears of happiness spilling from Ibiki's eyes, and found him filing a petition with the Hokage to take her as his apprentice. Unfortunately, those tears turned to sorrow when he was denied, as Haku really enjoyed working at the hospital with the children.

Anywho, at the moment, Orochimaru was staring at the Edo Tensei scrolls in silent contemplation, trying to make a very important decision. Finally, he gave it up as a lost cause.

"Kabuto, do you remember which scroll I used to make the Edo Tensei controls for sensei?" The Snake Sennin asked. "I need to copy the seals to the Shodai and Nidaime scrolls."

"You're a seal master, Orochimaru-sama, why would you need to copy them?" Kabuto questioned.

"That's where you're wrong, Kabuto-kun." Orochimaru revealed. "Jiraiya was the seal master of the team, Tsunade and I were merely highly proficient. For something this complex, I need my notes, which I seem to have misplaced as well. I need to figure out which of these two scrolls uses the mind control, and which one gives free will. My original plan was to use the Yondaime to destroy Konoha, but then last night I thought it might be fun to bring back Tobirama and Hashirama to help me kill sensei. Somehow it got mixed up with the free will scroll, and now I can't tell them apart."

"Forgive my misunderstanding, but why would you give them free will?" Kabuto asked.

"That one is for Tsunade." Orochimaru smirked. "I'm planning on offering her the chance to have her lover and brother back in exchange for healing Kimimaro. With their free will, they will be able to more easily express their disappointment in her for doing so. Entertainment in it's own right."

"Oh." Kabuto decided not to ask. His master had a very twisted sense of humor, and gained amusement from the oddest things. Well, it wasn't like he could really judge, since he did too.

Looking at the two scrolls, Kabuto noticed that one set seemed to have a much more complex seal array. He'd never seen the jutsu performed, nor had he really studied it in depth, but what he did know of the jutsu was that it brought the dead back under the summoner's control. It seemed that the logical course would be for the more complicated array to be the one Orochimaru-sama needed to give them free will, as there was a more open ended instruction being used to simulate their actual personalities.

"I'd guess the one on the right is the one you made for the Yondaime." Kabuto guessed. Sadly for Kabuto's deductive reasoning, it actually took a much more complex seal to make them mindless zombies. When someone was brought back with the Edo Tensei, they were already themselves, and you needed a stronger, more complicated array to wipe that away.

Back in the here and now, as Orochimaru ducked and dodged the attacks as much as he could, he could only be thankful to his sensei for destroying the Yondaime's coffin. If he would have had to fight the fastest unaugmented shinobi in history, on top of the Shodai and Nidaime, he was sure he'd have been dead already. As it was, he'd already taken a beating the likes of which he'd only ever seen Jiraiya take from a pissed off Tsunade after perving on her- and he was still jealous that that moron had actually seen Tsunade baring it all. And to make matters worse, it had only been forty-two seconds since he'd implanted the two command scrolls into the two deceased Hokage.

As his sensei slammed staff Enma into his torso again, Orochimaru knew there was no way this could get any worse. He was of course wrong. For in the next moment...

"Sennin Goroshi!" The Shodai yelled, right before two massive branches launched Orochimaru into the air.

...Orochimaru was seriously wishing that his sensei would have let the last coffin emerge. At least little Minato would have dealt with him swiftly, rather than torture him; or maybe not depending on how much his insane wife had influenced him.

"Ah, I so miss you, my dear Mito." Whispered nostalgically.

"Don't worry niisan, we shall honor her memory with the technique that she created." Tobirama told his brother. "Sennin Goroshi!"

Orochimaru screamed as two tentacles made of water launched him back into the air just as he was about to complete his descent from the first attack. This was followed by two made of mud from his formerly beloved sensei. And to think, despite his desire to kill the man and destroy his village, he'd still loved Sarutobi for all the years he'd been like a father to him. Now the old chimp could rot in an unmarked grave for all he cared.

Sarutobi smiled as he once again fought alongside his sensei. He'd sorely missed Tobirama-sensei, and had it not been for him needing to be strong as the Hokage, he wasn't sure he'd have been as strong for Koharu and Homura back then. Even a decade later when he'd married Biwako, he'd still not properly grieved, and it wasn't until he'd lost his eldest son alongside Nawaki that he'd taken the time to do so. At that moment, he only had two regrets about this sweet novelty. The first was that this fight was against one of his precious students; he'd had such high hopes for Orochimaru, after all. The second was that his teammates and Danzo weren't able to join in. They'd have sure enjoyed the chance to hang out with sensei again.

By the time the Sound Four would be able to help him escape, Orochimaru would have a crushed pelvis, and several broken and fractured bones, multiple contusions, severe internal injuries, and a minor concussion. As he was being carried away, Orochimaru silently cursed the two Hokages, his sensei, and the she-demon who'd created the technique the three Hokage had used to violate his rectum.

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Hinata Hyuuga frowned as she raced back out of the safehouse after delivering the old woman and two children- she'd picked up the extra two on her way to delivering the one she had. She really hoped that Shino-kun and Kiba-kun were okay after being left to fight that woman. She couldn't help remembering how they'd been separated.

It had started with her team escorting civilians, just like Genin were assigned to do during an invasion. They been escorting an elderly woman to the barracks- who'd thankfully been a former kunoichi, so while they couldn't roof hop, their pace had still been pretty quick- when they'd been intercepted by a Sound kunoichi. The woman who'd intercepted them had given off the aura of a Jounin, and a fairly strong one at that. Kiba had told her to go on ahead with the lady, and they would deal with the enemy.

She'd protested, and said they should fight together, but Shino had calmly told her that it would not be a good idea to fight with a potential hostage around, and it would be folly to send her off unprotected. Nodding her acceptance, she and the woman had gone ahead. She'd given the woman a kunai just in case, and was glad that she had. Just a few blocks away, they'd come upon a pair of children running out of an alleyway. She'd almost called out to them, before a Sand ninja followed them out, looking about to kill them. Showing that her skills hadn't gone completely away, the old woman and flipped the kunai, and sent it whizzing through the air, into the ninja's skull. Almost immediately after, she'd grabbed her wrist, and started groaning about her arthritis. It was an amusing sight to be sure, but it wasn't the time to be taking amusement in such. The two children had joined the group, and thankfully, they didn't encounter any more problems.

Speaking of her team, now that the package had been dropped off, she needed to find them again. She was alone for the moment, and that was not a state she wanted to be in for long. It wasn't safe for a Genin, especially a Genin kunoichi, to be out alone during such a dangerous time. If she were to be attacked, she could be hurt, kidnapped, or worse, and no one would notice in the chaos. No one would be able to hear her scream over the sound of fighting, and...she really needed to find her team again before she drove herself crazy with what ifs.

Almost as if to prove her earlier point, a figure dropped down in front of her. Activating her Byakugan, she could tell this guy was way out of her league, and that she would probably suffer a horrible fate at his hands, but she wasn't about to go down without a fight.

"What do we have here, a pretty little Hyuuga." The man said leering. "I think I'll take you home with me once we're done here."

Any thoughts of resisting fled from Hinata in the face of horror. She'd heard the stories in kunoichi classes, she'd even been given the talk and specific training for it by Kurenai-sensei, but coming face to face with the real possibility was completely different than anything she'd ever imagined, and was almost as bad as the nightmares she'd had about suffering this fate the night she'd first had the lesson. Just as she thought her life was about to be destroyed, a chakra claw came from a nearby alley, grabbed the man around the middle, and pushed him into a nearby wall. Turning, she found Naruto standing there, and almost swooned.

The look of complete determination, combined with the light kyuubi cloak, the look of anger on her behalf, and the wild, primal aura he was giving off almost sent the girl careening into the more hormonally charged stages of her pubescence. This was always the boy she pictured when she thought of 'Naruto-sama', and seeing it in person was giving her stomach butterflies. Shaking her head, and clearing her mind of thoughts that had no place in her current situation, Hinata focused on the happiness she felt at seeing her boyfriend.

Relief flooded her from the fact that he'd saved her, filling her with both joy and dread. Joy because she'd been spared a fate worse than death, and despair that she'd needed to be saved. The thought that even Naruto might be outmatched never crossed her mind, because really, if you'd seen what she did, you'd have thought he could kick anyone's ass. While she wanted to go to him, and hug him in thanks, she knew that the fox's chakra was toxic. She also didn't want to distract him from the man who seemed to be recovering from Naruto-kun's initial attack. Turning back to the man, she slipped into the Juuken Ryuu stance, determined to help Naruto in anyway she could. Fortunately he had things well in hand.

"Stay away from my Hinata-chan!" Naruto growled, before racing through a set of seals she wasn't familiar with, while putting an unnecessarily large amount of chakra into the attack. It was that day, that Hinata got her first glimpse of the most frighteningly menacing, and third most devastatingly powerful jutsu in Naruto's arsenal. "Rectal Prolapse no Jutsu!"

Naruto wouldn't know it, but the man would be found dead after the invasion from dehydration...and bloodloss from rectum detachment.

After pointing her in the direction he'd last seen Kiba and Shino in, Naruto hopped away to other places, leaving a clone behind to keep an eye on her if needed. Hinata again sighed in relief at the appearance of her boy- she couldn't say her man yet, because they were still technically children developmentally- but seconds later, almost fell into a funk. Regardless of the improvements she'd made, Neji had been right about her still being weak. Just as she was about to fall into a full on depression, she felt a slight, dull throb come from her lower back.

It was at that point that she remembered the training seal that Naruto had lovingly placed on her. She had forgotten she'd been wearing the seal, and that it was still active. Releasing the seal, she could feel all of the blocks on her cascade away as the seal released her full chakra and physical capability. She could almost feel the difference after releasing the seal, even if it wasn't very much or very obvious. It was enough though, that she noticed the subtle difference. She felt stronger, lighter, and much more energetic than she had just moments before.

Now she understood what Naruto-kun and Haku-nee had been telling her all along. She wasn't a weakling, and really, she should have realized it sooner. Naruto wouldn't have chosen her to be one of his future wives if she was weak. She remembered that Naruto had claimed her before she'd decided she wouldn't be afraid anymore; and hadn't tossed her aside even when he'd also gained a very beautiful girl like Haku as a future bride. She remembered how she had shown her cousin Neji that she wasn't the same girl he'd thought she was; how she'd made both the clan and her father acknowledge and proud of her.

With her confidence rising, Hinata decided that she wanted to shrug off all of that insecurity; even the last dreggs that seemed to pop up in situations like this. She was going to change for the better, to be worthy of having Naruto as her husband someday, and Haku as her aneki. With a new determined outlook, she activated her Byakugan, just in time to see someone sneaking up on her. With a fluid spin in place, ending with her back foot set in the stance, Hinata broke the man's guard, and for the first time in her life, landed the Eight Trigrams 64 Palms. Brimming with new confidence in herself, she stood a little straighter, and went back to doing her job.

Atop a building, the clone that Naruto had left behind watched as Hinata lit that bastard up with that damn painful 64 palms technique; although she could only get up to 32. The clone- who'd been assigned to keep an eye on her, and keep her safe- took stock of the surrroundings, and spotted the Sound-nin before Hinata had. The man was likely a rookie Chuunin, nothing Hinata couldn't handle herself. As he watched Hinata fight the man- ready to Kawarimi into her place if needed- he couldn't help admiring how amazing and graceful Hinata looked and fought when she was confident in herself.

While the man seemed to specialize in Taijutsu himself, and also seemed to be giving Hinata some trouble, the debilitating Juuken strikes were having an obvious effect on the man. That he was quite obviously using chakra to enhance his Taijutsu strength and speed meant that very soon, the fight would be totally in Hinata's favor. Just as the fight began to tilt in her faver just as he predicted, the clone felt several other signatures approaching. Knowing that as a clone he couldn't tackle that many alone, he made a clone of himself, and sent it to find some help. As the clone left, he made a couple seals, and felt his chakra shift. He was so glad that boss had figured out a way for his ordinary Shadow Clones to turn themselves into Exploding Ones.

Luckily, the clone didn't have to go far before it found Gai's team plus Fem!Gaara. It didn't take much to recruit them, especially when Neji heard that it was his cousin in danger. She had a lot to atone for in regards to his cousin, and she wasn't about to allow some Sound nin to prevent that from happening. Upon arriving and assessing the situation, each member of Team Gai plus one targeted an enemy; minus Neji, who'd dropped to the ground, and darted towards her cousin. She wasn't worried about the last nin, as the clone- and she could only tell by the really weird way its chakra was flowing- had targeted the last one.

Hinata battled the Sound nin- who seemed to be highly proficient in taijutsu, and therefore required all of her concentration- giving her all to defeat him. The opponent was faster and stronger than her, but she'd faced faster opponents in Neji and Haku before, and her training- read borderline abuse- with Naruto had certainly toughened her up. As the fight wore on though, she noticed that he was slowing down, and that the strikes that got through weren't nearly as painful as they'd been before. Whatever he'd been doing at the beginning, her Juuken was certainly having an effect on his fighting ability. Time to buckle down, and finish him off.

Because she couldn't take her focus off of her opponent, she missed the four enemy nin travelling the rooftops who'd stopped, and decided that losing one of their own was worth the price of taking out a Konoha nin. Hinata had just finished the Sound ninja off- feeling quite proud of her accomplishment- when she heard the whistle of the projectiles. With her Byakugan now able to focus on something other than the man's tenketsu, she could see them coming, and knew she wouldn't be able to dodge, or get a proper defense up in time. It was times like this that she wished she'd had her cousin's speed. Hinata collapsed to her knees, and balled up while covering her head, hoping to minimize the damage, but with the number of projectiles, she doubted she'd have much success. She was sad that she wouldn't be with Naruto-kun forever like she wanted, but at least she'd have the time she'd had with him.

The Sound nin- uncaring of their comrade who'd just died at the hands of this little girl- watched with glee as the swarm of kunai and shuriken rained down on her, before she was suddenly surrounded by a massive swirling dome that knocked the projectiles away. When the dome of chakra disappeared, there was another female Hyuuga standing next to the girl who looked to be related to her; one that Hinata recognized as her cousin Neji, still in Oiroke form. The furious invaders all glared in fury, and prepared to attack the two brats, but would never get the chance.

In their distraction at the sudden appearance of the dome- and their anger at the girl who'd created it- they missed the other brats that had targeted them. One of the four nin who'd attacked Hinata was pelted with dozens of senbon by the bun haired kunoichi standing across the street until the side of her head resembled little more than a pin cushion. It was a senbon to the temple that finished her off; the lessons with Naruto's elder girlfriend having payed off major dividends. The eyes of the kunoichi who'd thrown the needles were also unknowingly glowing silver. One of the others found himself swallowed up by sand, and was dead by smush moments later. Another was tackled to the ground by a blond that promptly exploded, and the last was nearly decapitated by a roundhouse from a spandex clad Genin. While he didn't lose his head, the Sound-nin- if he survived- would suffer from a case of cooked noodle neck for the rest of his life.

"Come Hinata-sama, we cannot remain idle." Neji said, as she gave her cousin a hand up. As she allowed herself to be pulled to her feet, Hinata's determination returned full force. The legend of the Byakko Youma (1) began.

Hinata would be reunited with her teammates a bit later, just before the counter-attack alarm went off. The exhausted pair would arrive, and head on to the monument a little worse for wear, but victorious. That kunoichi had been one tough cookie, and it certainly didn't help matters when Kiba's Gatsuuga shredded her top, leaving her generous assets to bounce around, often distracting the boy with canine instincts as she moved.

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It was also around this time that the 500 clones slated to deal with the huge summon were called into action. The massive snake summoned by the forces outside the village- who were just itching to follow the snake in, and help deal the final blow to the Leaf- had finally reached, and tried to breach the village walls. While sturdy, they wouldn't hold up to the damage a summon that massive could cause for very long. Swarming from their hiding places like a mass of blond cockroaches, the group assembled, and began forming up, similar to how the dove feathers of the boss had done in his epically awesome Chuunin Exam Final entrance. Once they'd formed the towering mass of bodies shaped like their creator, the groups of sixty-three that made up the arms formed the seal to perform Naruto's not-Henge.

To the shock of many, and the absolute horror of others, those in a position to had all seen the swarm of Narutos coming out of their hiding places. It had been hard to miss when they'd been assembling, even moreso when the structure began to tower over the village. When it made an unknown seal, they'd been confused...at least until the massive poof of smoke that appeared in the village blew away to reveal a giant Naruto. The massive form cast a shadow over much of the village, pausing numerous battles as they all stared to see what the immensely huge blond would do. To their shock, and actual relief for the ninja that seemed to be in line to have to deal with it, the giant Naruto went straight after the huge snake.

Anko, who'd been helping her yummy 'Ruka-kun protect and evacuate the little ankle biters to the monument couldn't help staring at the massive Naruto, and giggling. "Hehe, given the rumors of how big his dick is normally, it kind of makes you wonder how huge it is now."

Staring up at the giant form of his boss, Konohamaru couldn't help turning to Hanabi, and giving her an 'I told you so' look, before saying. "I told you that boss was awesome."

Staring at the giant form, Hanabi couldn't help but slightly agree, and now she was starting to understand what Hinata had been talking about. What happened next would completely remove the slightly. The entire audience watched as Naruto placed his hand palm up, wondering what he was going to do next. To their shock, he began gathering chakra into his palm. Those that knew what the technique was were shocked beyond belief, that a child his age couldn't possibly know, and be able to use the Rasengan.

Naruto held his hand palm up, gathering the needed chakra for the Rasengan. Much like in his last life, he still seemed incapable of fully creating the jutsu with one hand. Even if he still couldn't do it with just one hand yet, that didn't mean he didn't have alternatives. He was now to the point that he didn't need a clone to help him create it, but damn he wanted to be able to do that like Ero-Sennin did. Placing his other hand slightly above the swirling ball, he used his left hand to create the stabalizing shell of the jutsu.

"Hey you three headed garter snake, try this on for size." Naruto called, holding the newly formed Rasengan in his hand. "Rasengan Bitch Slap no Jutsu!"

The entirety of human life currently occupying the village watched in shock, awe, and shocked awe, as the blond appeared right in front of the snake, and swung his arm in an arc, smacking the first head. Said head then followed the arc of the swing, colliding with the second and third heads, before all three disappeared in an explosion of chakra, and the entire snake disappeared in a huge puff of smoke. They were then treated to the crazed Uzumaki grin as the massive being released the not-Henge, and the numerous clones began to disassemble, before flooding over the village walls to have a go at the ninja that had been waiting outside for the snake to create them an entrance. Between Jiraiya, a few Anbu, and 500 Naruto clones, they never stood a chance.

Between that, and Naruto racing through the village- two clones popping out of his back like the little furries popped off gizmo when he got wet in gremlins any time he saw konoha nin needing help- the legend of the Mugen Kitsune (2) began.

The destruction of the snake also served another purpose. Seeing one of their weapons destroyed- and the fact that the other one had been taken out before the batter truly got going- the invading forces were beginning to lose morale. The Konoha forces however- who were still unaware that Gaara was supposed to take part- having seen one of their own take out the massive summon in near epic fashion began to gain even more strength of will to keep going.

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While Naruto and Hinata were helping defend the village elsewhere, Haku had been helping in her own way. Along with her father Zabuza, Haku had begun the the invasion by leaving the arena, and heading to help defend the hospital from the attacks focused there. Once the attackers had been repelled, she helped the staff evacuate the patients to the Hokage Monument. Once the last patient had gone through the path, she'd turned to face the entrance to the single path that led behind the Hokage Tower to the monument.

Haku had been a tool of Zabuza, and an effective one at that, and knew all about giving ones life to protect what was important to them. She'd spent the majority of her life being trained by Zabuza, and using her skills to protect him. Now that she had a home, she now had something very important worth protecting, and she would not let it be taken away from her. With that small fountain pool next to Hokage Tower, she was a force to be reckoned with.

Zabuza had taken to the roofs to keep enemy nin from coming that way, and the enemy never stood a chance. While they were never in danger of being overrun, even with the water source, it was still a drain on the chakra. Eventually the pair were joined by Hinata and Team Gai, along with fem!Gaara, helping to lessen the load, and the drain on them. Oddly enough, as soon as the group arrived, a swarm of Oto and Sand nin descended upon the area. With a fierce glare on her face, Haku ran through as set of seals for a jutsu she'd found in the Uzumaki family scroll. As a future Uzumaki, and having the requisite elemental affinity, Haku had felt almost compelled to learn it.

"Water Protologist no Jutsu!" She cried out, after completing the last seal.

Several screams could be heard as several fists made of water went on the attack, violating people in ways that are too graphic for this site's M rating. That the hands tended to freeze once they were wrist deep, and shatter only added to their suffering. Above her, the young woman's father just stared in fright.

'Great, that gaki is starting to rub off on my sweet little girl.' He thought, moments before decapitating several ninja who'd tried to sneak up behind his precious daughter. 'Damn Uzumaki! I went from Demon of the Mist, to doting, devoted father in seven months. I'm beginning to understand why people thought they were a big enough threat to face genocidal removal.'

As she helped her father defend the passage, the legend of the Konoha's Yuki-Onna (3) began.

888

Sakura, during the invasion, had a bit of a rude awakening, one that completely and utterly destroyed what was left of her fangirldom. Because Gaara had been dealt with less than five minutes into the invasion, she wouldn't spend the entire time unconscios after being knocked out by Gaara. Sakura would be able to make an impact in the name of her village...matter of fact, repeated, exceptionally painful impacts.

Sakura's story during the invasion was one of action, excitement, suspense, terror, and revenge. It was the tale of a young girl, coming into her own as a stand up kunoichi of her village. It was the tale of Sakura's first steps in truly realising her potential, one that proved to her that she wasn't just the useless eye candy of her team as she'd been called by that blonde bitch from Suna during that month wait.

Having read and memorized the shinobi handbook, Sakura knew the protocols for an invasion like she knew Naruto was a sadistic- yet productive- taskmaster of a teacher. As is expected of Genin, upon releasing the Genjutsu- as well as her training seal- Sakura immediate left the arena to help escort the civilians to the safe houses inside the Hokage Monument. On her seventh trip out to find any stragglers in the restaurant district, she'd slipped into what appeared to be an abandoned restaurant.

While she was looking in the closed off kitchen to see if there were any people still hiding, she was suddenly attacked from behind by a massive, brutish man who was easily a match for Chouji's dad in size and strength. Unlike the plump man who was quite the kind, jovial soul- at least until he got serious- this man was all muscle. If it weren't for the Sound Headband, and the disturbingly psychotic leer in the man's eyes, she might have blushed at the extremely well developed physique the bare chested man displayed. Upon seeing the fear in her eyes, and the way they glanced down at his crotch, he knew what she was thinking. She was thinking of all of the bad things that could happen to overpowered, defeated kunoichi, so he better not disappoint her.

"You know, our master told us that if we found something that we'd like to take as our spoils once we destroyed this place, we were more than welcome to it." He started, unfastening his pants. "I'd already found this blue haired Hyuuga girl I thought might make a good plaything, but a buddy of mine beat me to her. Then when this blond kid appeared, prolapsed his rectum, and said to stay away from his Hinata-chan, I figured I'd find something else to take home with me. While I'm sure I'd have greatly enjoyed her company, something about that blond kid made me wary, and I've learned that you stay away from anyone giving off Uzumaki vibes. You're quite pretty, so I think that I've found what I want. Matter of fact, I think I'll have a little taste of my spoils right now."

It was times like this that Sakura wished she was Naruto's girlfriend. Sure, it might be embarrassing to be rescued, but the simple fact was that she knew she would be. Naruto tended to know when his loves were in trouble, and seemed to suddenly appear as if summoned when they were. And when he showed up, bad things happened to the cause of it, even if it was just a coffee table that she'd stubbed her toe on. She still couldn't believe he'd Rasengan'd Hiashi Hyuuga's table because Hinata had stubbed her toe on it.

And with that, the huge brute pulled himself out the top of his underpants waistband. Sakura's eyes widened at the sight of the man's genitals, and a feeling of absolute terror and dread filled her. Sure, a guy with a big penis was something most girls wished for, but the thing pointed at her was as long and thick as her forearm; and considering she was no longer pencil thin, the thought was horrifying. Having something like that brutally shoved into her- and she had no doubts that he would be far from gentle just for the sake of being so- would be an agony that went above and beyond natural. Not only that, but the amount of physical damage her body would likely receive from having that crammed into her would be massive.

But what could she really do to prevent it and save herself besides a likely futile attempt at resisting his forced advances? Sakura took a moment to consider everything in her- admittedly miniscule- shinobi arsenal that she could use against him, and came up with very little. The man was obviously way beyond Genin level, and even if he wasn't, he was still far stronger than her physically- as evidenced by that first blow that still hurt like the aftermath of that first beating she took from Naruto- so the difference in the effects their blows would have would be fairly great. She only had two jutsu that she had the reserves for, and the Genjutsu required her to know something about her opponent to be effective.

There was of course the jutsu she'd learned from Xeno, however, given their difference in size, and in their strength levels, she doubted her jutsu would do much. Not only that, but it was a prank jutsu, and using such a jutsu in such a dangerous situation was likely a foolish endeavor that would only serve to make him desire to hurt her more when he finally took her. Still, it was her only option, and she wasn't about to just sit there, and let him take her without at least trying to defend herself.

Rapidly making a set of seals that ended in the tori (4) seal, she watched in shock, and with some hope as the man sank into the ground. Of course, she'd been correct in their strength difference playing a part in the success of the jutsu. Even as he was sinking, the man was already struggling to escape, and making a good go of it. As a matter of fact, as soon as the ground hardened around his calves, she could already see the spidering cracks that said he wouldn't be held for very long. And if that wasn't bad enough, what he said next filled her with a terror she hadn't ever felt before.

"You know, I was going to try and be gentle since I'm sure it's your first time." He growled. "But now I'm going to make it hurt as much as I can. You might not even survive."

Fear welling up in her, and stinging tears threatening to spill from her eyes, Sakura performed the last seal of the jutsu, and prayed to Kami that it worked. To her further horror, his right foot had broken free, and he'd taken a step towards her, pulling his other foot free as well. What happened next is too horrifying to show.

Now, given the author's opinion of rape and rapists, it was a fairly safe bet that he wouldn't have allowed Sakura to suffer that way; even if he had little to no respect for pre-timeskip Sakura. Not only that, but there was nothing in the plot- now or later- that would be served better by having her raped. Since she'd already had an acceptable wake up call regarding her faults as a kunoichi, so there was no point to it. That being said, even cliche parodies need to have at least some measure of suspense at some point, and you can't have everything go good all the time. That also being said, Sakura had never been raped, was not raped, and would not at any point in this fic be raped. That's not to say there hadn't been rape in this world, nor that there wouldn't be some, even if it was only a technicality, as would be seen momentarily.

Now while Sakura wouldn't be, the guy who had tried to violate her, on the other hand, wasn't so lucky. He would soon be getting a taste of what he'd done to nearly thirty poor kunoichi from different countries over the course of his shinobi and Nuke-nin career. Within seconds of her completing the last seal, a large column of hardended earth thick as her waist shot up between the man's legs, and hit home; finding purchase in a place most heterosexual males protected like their own children.

Upon seeing that the jutsu most definitely had an effect on him, she let loose all of the rage and fear she'd felt into her jutsu, tears streaming from her eyes as she cried out the near brutal loss of her innocence. At that moment, Sakura made her first kill, doing to him what he'd been threatening to do to her. There was screaming, and blood, and a long list of things that would make you shudder by the time she calmed down.

Once she'd cried herself out, and calmed down, Sakura centered herself, and left the small stand. As she continued her duty of helping get any straggling civilians to safety, she made it a point to spread her anger amongst others with musical notes on their headbands when she encountered them. And thus the legend of the Pink Destroyer (5) began.

888

Seeing his former student make his escape with his four guards- as his sensei and the Shodai dissolved- Sarutobi turned to the Anbu that were standing there.

"Report!" He ordered.

"All civilians are safe inside the monument." The Anbu reported. "Counter-attack is ready to commence."

"Signal the counter-attack, and get these invaders out of my village." Sarutobi ordered, launching his Enma staff like a spear at a Konoha Anbu standing next to a Suna shinobi as if they were comrades. Between the strength of the Hokage, and the sturdiness of the staff, it struck with enough force to liquify the man's ribcage, while slamming him through a section of the arena wall. With a nod, the group dispersed to relay the order to the proper channels.

It was about three minutes later, as Sarutobi sat down in what had formerly been the Hokage's box- the seats somehow still intact after everything- that the alarm signalling the counter-attack sounded. Feel free to feel sorry for the enemy ninja if you like, because they got no mercy.

888

Speaking of the old timers that were Sarutobi's shinobi peers...

While Sarutobi was waxing poetic about how he wished his teammates and rival had been there to join him, the three elders had been in another part of the village...more specifically, they were holed up in the Hokage Monument with the other villagers that had already been evacuated. They'd seen numerous teams of Naruto's shadow clones bringing civilians to the monument, and when Danzo had stopped a team and questioned them, they'd been impressed with the instructions the clones had been given.

Ironically enough, it wasn't where they wanted to be. While civilians were being brought to the hiding place, they'd been content to sit there, waiting, comforting- well, Koharu and Homura anyway- and helping them get settled in the barracks. When Iruka and several Academy instructors arrived to take over the duty, well, they were a lot less content.

"You know Hiruzen is out there fighting." Danzo intoned. "Why are we holed up in here?"

"Because the Council of Advisors needs to survive in case the Hokage falls in battle." Koharu replied mechanically.

"You don't honestly believe that, do you?" The one eyed man replied. All was silent for several moments as the three contemplated that. It was in this silence that Danzo thought back to one of the worst days of his life.

Back Flashy Thing

"We're surrounded...there's twenty of them...Kumo Master Bounty hunters."

"...someone will have to lure them away..."

"...a decoy...whoever it is won't survive..."

"I'll do it...take care of the others, Danzo..."

"I will be the decoy...one day the time will come...Saru...tomorrow, you will be Hokage...!

End Back Flashy Thing

Finally, Danzo let out a sigh, before climbing to his feet. He wasn't about to do this again. "This is just like when Hiruzen was named the Sandaime. I knew what needed to be done, and was willing and prepared to make the sacrifice, but while I was talking myself into it, Hiruzen spoke up before I could. That day has always eaten at me, and was the reason I was so bitter towards him. Now, fifty years later, the only thing that has changed is the battle we're fighting, and this time even more is at stake. I am not going to sit on the sidelines again, while Hiruzen risks his life for the village."

Sparing a single glance at each other, the other two elders climbed to their feet. "Let's go." Koharu said.

Given how much Tobirama and his Uchiha bootycall's teams trained and worked together on missions, it should be no surprise that the two teams could be intermixed as needed. Therefore, it should be no surprise that when Danzo, Koharu, and Homura stepped out of the protection of the monument, and joined the battle, they worked near flawlessly; Danzo easily taking point at the heavy infantry position Sarutobi usually took, while they provided support and protection. With the three guarding the monument- although a couple of teams of Naruto clones did go inside just incase some enemy got past the elder shinobi, and one insisted on staying to support them just in case- the majority of the clones were free to rejoin the fighting.

By the time the signal for the counter-attack went up, the trio had shown that there was a very good reason why Jounin ranked shinobi who reached their age did so. Naruto was shocked, though he knew he shouldn't have been, at how badass the three elders were. The pile of bodies that got hauled away once the invasion was over, was impressive. Upon realizing that he probably wouldn't be needed the clone watching the three elder ninja began taking extensive notes.

It was ironic in a way. While Team Gai, Fem!Gaara, Hinata, Haku, and Zabuza were protecting the path that led to the monument, the Sound and Sand nin that got stopped or repelled by the group were the lucky ones. For the ones that got past them, they were met by three very old school shinobi...and in Konoha, old school meant ninja who'd been around, had frequently worked with, and even picked up a few tricks from the Senju, Uchiha, and Uzumaki when they were at their prime.

888

For Sasuke, it had been a very difficult seven months. First, learning that he'd been on a team with the dead last and a useless fangirl, he'd thought he was just going to be held back by a bunch of dead weight. First there was Naruto, who'd been at the bottom of the class, and completely incapable of doing even the simplest tasks without great difficulty. Not only that, but he was a goof off, and thought that foolish pranks were something that a ninja should be engaging in. Of course, he'd since been disabused of that notion, when he'd seen how Naruto's talent for pranking translated to trap making.

And the less said about Sakura, the better. While the girl was no doubt the smartest in the class- aside from Shikamaru, who was a Nara- she was still completely unsuited to being a shinobi. She was far too focused with the civilian concerns of girls her age, and not nearly focused enough on becoming a good kunoichi. Even if it was commonly accepted that kunoichi weren't as physically strong as their male counterparts, girls like her and Ino took it way too far. Seriously, what kind of kunoichi- intelligent ones, who were serious about the job- dieted to keep her figure. That timid Hyuuga girl- who didn't like hurting people- in their class was more suited to being a ninja. She was a pathetic excuse for a kunoichi, an embarrassment to the idea of female ninja, and an insult to the ones who took the job seriously; most specifically his deceased mother.

Of course, these opinions of his teammates had changed quickly- well, Naruto, anyway, Sakura took awhile- starting with the revelation that Naruto not only knew an advanced clone technique meant for Jounin, but that he was highly proficient in fuinjutsu. During their first mission, Naruto had proved himself to be far more capable than he'd been given credit for. Not only had he dealt with the enemy shinobi they'd had trying to sabatage their mission, but he'd gotten a girlfriend with a bloodline out of the deal, and gained the village two very strong shinobi. Then came the Chuunin exams, where everything he'd ever thought he'd known about his teammate had been thrown under a boss summon. Not only had he defeated both Kiba and Neji handily, but he'd also held his own against Orochimaru of the Sannin- even if they, as a group, weren't being taken seriously.

Then to top all of that off, during the month long wait, not only had he gotten even better, but he'd also helped Sakura improve to a level that was bordering on impressive. But it didn't end there. No, he'd also learned that all of those silly prank jutsu that Naruto thought were funny, could actually be devastatingly powerful when used correctly. Now, they were facing an invasion from enemy ninja, and again Naruto was proving that he'd been grossly underestimated. He had hundreds of clones fighting, and helping evacuate the villagers to the safe houses, and he'd even defeated that giant three headed snake summon. But that wasn't the thing that stuck out the most. Not, what stuck out the most was what had just happened recently, proving that if he didn't get his act together, Naruto was going to leave him behind.

He'd just finished helping evacuate an old couple to the monument, when the alarm signalling the counter-attack blared. Now, he could do his own part, and prove that the Uchiha- even down to one member- were still a force in Konoha to be reckoned with. Of course, that plan had almost gone down the drain when he'd happened upon Naruto surrounded by several Suna ninja, who looked ready to do him some serious harm. His plan had been to jump in, and save the blond, throwing his own words from the forest back at him- only he'd have taunted him about Haku and Hinata- but that had been almost immediately dashed. Naruto had gone through a very familiar and traumatic set of hand seals, and suddenly half a dozen ninja were flying through the air with shit streaks trailing behind them.

Without warning, his first encounter, his first horrific encounter with the jutsu had come crashing back, and he'd almost fainted. Those precious few seconds of weakness from a near mental breakdown nearly cost him his life. As a Sand ninja- who'd stumbled upon the situation, and decided to take a measure of revenge for the death of his grandfather by an Uchiha in the Second Shinobi World War- charged him, he realized that it was too late to dodge. Determined to face his death, rather than close his eyes and wait for it, he was witness to a most interesting sight. When the kunai that would spell his end was only a meter away, a blond topped streak blew past him, right into the man. He couldn't see what was in Naruto's hand, but he did see the results of whatever Naruto did to him.

The man's eyes bugged out before he was violently thrown backwards, spinning like one of those knife thrower assistants strapped to the wheel at the festivals he'd visited with his mother. Not only that, but when the man crashed into the side of a building, and fell face first into the ground, Sasuke could see that his back was blown completely open. He was distracted from his analysis of the- obviously dead- enemy, when a taunting voice called to him.

"This is the third time I've saved your ass, Sasuke. Get your shit together, or your fangirls really will discard you for me." Without another word, Naruto ran off again. Sasuke decided then and there that he wasn't going to let Naruto take all the glory. With that in mind, he dashed off to help drive the invaders away elsewhere.

Little did the pair know, but someone else had witnessed the rescue, and couldn't help but draw parallels to another blond he'd seen do something very similar. This person was the third member of the Hokage's personal guard- well, when the Anbu weren't assigned to his aid. He hadn't seen what happened before, but he'd exited the alley he'd been cutting through in time to see Naruto flashing past his teammate, him slamming what was obviously a Rasengan into that Sand ninja's torso, and the enemy nin flying back with a hole in his chest. While this flash happened to be red, rather than the customary yellow- and it wasn't nearly as fast- it was close enough.

As he continued on to his assigned destination- the roof where the Hokage was leading his troops from- he made a note to himself to get in touch with Genma and Raido later. It was time to talk to the Hokage about allowing them to teach Naruto his father's jutsu.

Several minutes later found the last loyal Uchiha- as far as anyone but the elders and Hokage knew- doing battle with a Chuunin from Sound. While Sasuke was skilled enough to hold his own against the man, even possibly good enough to beat him, the Katon jutsu that he was using didn't seem to be having much effect on his opponent. As it would happen, a stray Naruto clone was passing by, and saw that Sasuke's attack wasn't being very effective. With a borderline wicked grin, the Shadow Clone created another clone, which just so happened to be of the exploding variety. The exploding clone- which appeared a few feet in front of the first clone- found itself used as a springboard.

Having launched itself into the air, the cloned Naruto ran through a set of seals, adding a Reppusho to enhance Sasuke's jutsu. Meanwhile, the exploding clone ran up and along a wall nearby, before jumping in front of the combined wind-fire attack, getting itself destroyed, and exploding right in front of the enemy. It was seeing the resulting explosion created from his combined attack that finally brought home the message that Kakashi had been trying to teach them about teamwork. If you had the right team, and could work together, the devastation that you were capable of would be much greater than anyone could produce alone. That still didn't mean he wasn't annoyed that Naruto was stronger than him, it just meant that he'd put that aside occasionally for the sake of blowing shit up.

Two legends began that day. The legend of Konoha Ryuu (6), as well as the legend of the Demolition Duo.

Once his chakra got below the level that allowed him to use the Goukakyuu and Ryuuka- as ironically enough, fire wasn't his primary affinity, despite being an Uchiha- Sasuke began using the jutsu that were more along his affinities lines. Since he couldn't use the Chidori due to lack of chakra, he was forced to use the other lightening based jutsu in his arsenal: the Static Fart. Upon unleashing the jutsu on someone for the first time, Sasuke found himself utterly shocked at how surprisingly devastating the jutsu really is. Even the bastard's friends- he'd been surrounded, after all- hesitated to attack him, and he relished the feeling of fear the enemy showed him as he went Static Fart apeshit on the invaders.

Oddly enough, there weren't any legends dealing with the use of that jutsu. After all, much like the Rectal Prolapse, very few people wanted to remember that, most especially the ones who fell victim to it; even if it did earn him a reputation of being a disturbedly tainted, Uzumaki apprentice.

888

A couple hundred miles away in Kirigakure, a pair of eyes snapped open. The pair of eyes belonged to Izuna Takeda, who was currently laying beneath his incredibly hot, softly dozing wife. He couldn't believe how insistent she was on conceiving a child, but he wasn't about to protest all of the effort she was inisting they put into doing so. He did wonder though, if it was appropriate for them to be doing so on the couch in her office while she was supposed to be in a meeting with the village's shinobi council. But that was neither here nor there, and he was too afraid to ask.

What he was really wondering about, was the feeling that had awaken him. Looking up at the ceiling of the office, he couldn't help but feel a great since of pride that had nothing to do with having just put the Mizukage into a sex-induced sleep. It was the feeling one got when ones students not only made you proud, but made you look really good as a teacher when they did it. He didn't know what was going on in Konoha, but he somehow knew that Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke were doing something that would be talked about for a good long while.

888

It was also about this time, that the counter-attack efforts of the other Konoha shinobi started becoming more frequent. With both the leaders for the invaders' side dead/defeated, it was a rather one-sided affair due to lack of leadership, and a powerful leader to rally behind.

In an unfrequented section of the village, a group of Sand ninja had surrounded two retired shinobi. As the group attacked, the two men- who were standing several meters from each other- spared one small glance to each other, before both began emitting chakra from their bodies as they went into twin rapid spins. The attackers were flung away from the two men viciously; many of them landing at awkward angles that would see them incapable of getting back up. As the two men ended their spins, a closer look would show that both had bulging veins surrounding their blank eyes.

"Hyuuga is the strongest clan in Konoha-" The elder brother spoke.

"-do not forget that." The younger brother finished.

Yeah, that was so a rehearsed speech. On a side note, had anyone seen the sight from above, they'd have been amused to find that the two spiraling domes spinning next to each other as they were, looked like a pair of full, round, perky boobs.

888

In another part of the village near the public park, a man- who was already a fairly hefty fellow- ran through a set of handseals.

With a cry of, "Baika no Jutsu!", he swelled until he was even larger than the massive blond that had Rasengan bitch slapped the three headed snake. With a massive hand, he flattened two entire squads of enemy shinobi. With a sheepish grin of embarrassment, he set his huge staff down along one of the high streets that ran from the Hokage Tower to the opposite end of the village. He really should have left it at home, as it was only getting in the way, and causing more damage than the invaders were.

On a nearby roof, a rather bored looking man with pineapple shaped hair was leaning against a wall on his forearm. To the shock of the four Sand ninja on the roof with him, their arms had mimicked his, and were hanging in the air useless. Not only that, but none of them could move an inch.

"Kage Mane no Jutsu." He said, his tone dripping bored anger; almost as if he was incredibly put out that his relaxing day had been interrupted by such an inconvenient invasion.

A few feet away, a blond with a long ponytail landed. A set of seals later, he calmly spoke. "Shinranshin no Jutsu."

Seconds later, the shadow connecting to one of the Sand ninja crept away. In the next moment- much to the horror of his comrades- the ninja began attacking his own people, no matter how much they protested. Much to their shock, he couldn't control his body as he ended their lives, before jamming the bloodied kunai into his own skull.

"Just like old times." The ponytailed blond said to the lazy bum nearby.

888

In the middle of the village, a man with a fro and sunglasses on found himself surrounded by three enemy ninja. For someone about to be attacked by three Jounin, he seemed to be far less than worried. He had every right to be, as evidenced moments later when the men experienced what felt like hundreds of bugs crawling all over them. A closer look would show that this was indeed the case, and that the bugs seemed to be sapping their strength. Realizing just who it was they were up against, one of the nin began the seals for a fire jutsu before he lost too much chakra, only to find himself swarmed from behind by a cloud of bugs. He was soon dead, drained of all of his chakra, while the other two quickly passed out from a lack of chakra.

Seconds, and a Shunshin later, found a young person arriving at the man's side. The person was a girl who looked to be in her late teens and sporting a high-collared jacket just like her father.

"We are done here." Shibi said monotonously to his daughter. "Shizuka, take them to your mother in the T&I headquarters."

"Yes, father." The Chuunin replied in a calm tone that bordered on creepy. With that, the male left in a swirl of leaves, while the young woman sealed the two enemy up for transport.

888

A few blocks over, three Sand ninja- who were resting after finishing off a particularly troublesome Leaf Jounin- found themselves suddenly face two women with red fang marks on their cheeks. One was a rather formidable, feral looking wild woman. The other was a rather attractive, and fairly busty girl in her late teens who looked to be related to the older woman- likely her daughter. While the two women looked enough like a fight, it wasn't them that had the three men worried. No, what had them worried was the four canines that had accompanied them.

The obviously most fearsome looking of the bunch was the massive dog sitting next to the feral woman. The fact that it was only a head shorter than the woman standing next to it, and even looked to be slouching, made it an even more terrifying sight. Surrounding the younger woman were three more dogs, and while only about half the size of the biggest dog, they were still bigger than any dogs the three men had ever seen. If that wasn't enough to make them regret coming to Konoha, then what happened next sure took the cake.

"Let's go, Kuromaru." The feral woman ordered.

"Owu," The dog returned, before making the men piss themselves when it spoke. "Alright you three brats, fresh meat."

The less said about what the four canine did to the three men, the less chance of reacquainting you with your last meal.

Needless to say, the invasion was over in short order.

888888

A few days later found Naruto using over a hundred clones to help with the village reconstruction and repair. With an army of a hundred Naruto running around doing odd jobs, and other solid Bunshin capable ninja taking his cue, things were progressing at an even faster rate than the last time. He was currently helping Ayame serve lunch to some of the workers when he was reverse summoned to the top of the Hokage Tower- and it was a lucky thing that he'd already set the tray he'd been carrying down. As he recovered from the nausea inducing sensation- well, it was when you were surprised by it- he grumbled to himself that he'd never get used to the feeling of being disassembled, and put back together.

"What did you do that for?" Naruto asked, seeing who had summoned him. "I was in the middle of something."

"Hey gaki, I need your help to find someone." Jiraiya announced. While Naruto already knew who Jiraiya was referring to, he decided to have a little fun with him.

"Who do you need help finding?" He asked.

"A woman," Jiraiya started. "-but not just any woman. A beauty of a blonde with the most amazing curves you've ever seen. A 105cm bust, womanly hips, a heart shaped behind, and legs that can make anyone drool."

'I know he's talking about Tsunade, but I'm so tempted to to tell him that finding a woman like that wouldn't do him any good.' Naruto thought.

Glaring in annoyance at the overly dramatic description of Tsunade- even if she was incredibly attractive with her seal up- Naruto turned away from the perverted man. "Naruto Uzumaki is unavailable at the moment, if you would please leave your name and contact information at the beep, I'll get back to you eventually...BEEP!"

Naruto's ignoring of the man was cut short as another voice joined them; that of Sarutobi-ji. "He wants you to help him find my third student, Tsunade, and convince her to return home to become Hokage, Naruto."

"You're retiring again?" Naruto asked.

"That invasion went a long way in reminding me that I'm way to old for this shit." Sarutobi said. "Since you're not quite ready," Naruto balked at the man's tone implying that it was his fault. "-I have to find someone else to wear the hat until then. Unfortunately, whatever kind of therapy you used on Danzo has removed any desire to be the Hokage."

"Well why didn't he just say that he was doing that?" Naruto asked, his tone full of annoyance.

"He did, he just decided to do it using nothing but Tsunade's physical description." Sarutobi said. "Though I will admit that he could have done it in a less perverted fashion just this once. Hearing a man I consider as good as my son speaking that way of a woman I consider as good as my daughter is disconcerting."

"Fine, I'll meet Ero-Sennin at the gate in an hour." Naruto said, heading off in the opposite direction of his apartment building; which to the annoyance of several civilians was completely untouched by the invasion. He ignored the rather dramatic protest of Jiraiya at the name, and Sarutobi's immensely amused reaction to it.

888

Naruto's first three stops were to his teammates' homes. He was going to be out of the village for awhile, so felt it probably a good idea to let them know that he'd be unavailable for training or whatever. After leaving Sasuke's, Naruto headed over to the hospital to let Haku know he was leaving. Why he didn't go there first, seeing as she was closest, he didn't know, but figured that it didn't really matter. Heading down to the ICU- where Haku had been temporarily stationed along with any other highly skilled medic- Naruto approached the dark haired beauty.

Waiting until she'd finished with her current patient, Naruto wrapped his arms around her waist, and planted a kiss to her cheek. "Working hard?"

"Very, and I could certainly use a break," Haku answered. "-or at least a boost."

With a devious grin, Naruto began channeling chakra into her, much the same way that he'd done when he'd been charging her training seal. Much like that time, Haku could almost immediately feel herself reacting to the transfer, and let out a low groan.

"Naruto-kun, I don't think now is a good time for that." She said, stifling another moan. "You wouldn't happen to have a soldier pill on you, would you."

"Sorry, I've never really had a need for one." Naruto admitted, stopping the unintentionally tantric flow.

"That's okay," She said, taking his hand, and pulling him over to the nurses station. "-I've already had one, so this is probably a sign that I should just take it easy for a bit, and let my chakra replenish naturally. So, what did you need, or did you just come to visit me?"

"Actually, I wanted to let you know that Ero-Sennin wants me to leave the village with him for an indeterminate amount of time to go and look for what he claims is a hot blonde with huge breasts." Naruto replied, earning a raised eyebrow from Haku. "Jiji wants him to find his old teammate Tsunade, and the perv wants me to tag along for some reason."

"Ah, that makes more sense." Haku said, before kissing him heartily, and shooing him out. "Well, have fun, make sure you let Hinata know before you leave, and don't come back acting like him."

"Okay, um, I will, and I'll miss you?" Naruto said to no one as he found himself pushed out of the ICU. "Well, I guess I'd better go see Hinata."

A short ten minute walk later- since he still had over half an hour left before he had to meet Ero-Sennin- arriving at the Hyuuga compound. Upon knocking on the door, Naruto was shocked to find himself quickly and eagerly ushered in by a Branch House member, and shown to where Hinata was training. Naruto's plan was to go tell Hinata about his mission, give her a kiss goodbye, and then go meet Ero-Sennin. When he reached the dojo she was training in, however, he ended up forgetting why he'd come in the first place.

Standing in the middle of the room was Hinata, wearing a training tee that was standard for all young Hyuuga, and a pair of snug pants that most certainly weren't. He noticed the look of intense concentration on her cute face, and wondered what she was doing; as she had her eyes closed, and her Byakugan deactivated. Naruto was soon surprised by the display of strength Hinata showed when she did a hand plant, and held herself upright. That was when her teeshirt came down, and he realized two things: Hinata was only wearing wrappings under her shirt, and the pants she was wearing were really, really, really tight. And if that wasn't enough, with a display of acrobatics that he realized he really shouldn't have been surprised by, she spun herself 360 degrees, giving him a quite clear view of the fact that Hinata had a larger bust than he'd thought she had.

Naruto found himself staring despite the weird feelings doing so generated, and hoped it would end soon. But it was as if kami was in a particularly mischievous mood, as Hinata then did something that caused him to react in a way that he didn't like at that moment. While maintaining her handstand, Hinata's legs parted until she was doing an upside down split, highlighting her soon to be amazing glutes. From his position, he could plainly see the outline of the cute bottom that would develop into the succulent rear end Hinata would possess in a few years. Dear Kami, why did this have to happen when she was still twelve, and not after he'd returned from his long trip with Ero-Sennin.

'Kami I feel like such a pedophile right now.' Naruto thought.

"How do you think I feel?" NB muttered back. "I had to write it."

'If it bothered you so much, why did you write it?'

"Because I knew as much as it bothered me, it would probably bother you far more." NB replied honestly.

"Have I told you lately that you're a sick, twisted bastard?" Naruto grumbled, adjusting his pants, and feeling all kinds of wrong for having had to do so.

"Yep, but it's still nice to feel appreciated." NB replied.

"Has anyone ever told you that you're a complete dick?"

"It might have been mentioned a time or two." NB again replied, more than just a bit amused.

After another five minutes of having his eyes forcibly glued to Hinata's form- and he just knew that NB was responsible for that- she finally came out of her handstand, stood up, and opened her eyes. The beautiful smile that she grew upon seeing him made him feel even more guilty for staring. And if that wasn't enough, she followed this by running over to him- bouncing in ways that was just criminal for her age- before leaping into his arms, and kissing him. Naruto caught her, spun her around, and returned the hearty kiss. Naruto relaxed into her embrace, thankful that it had driven away all of the wrong thoughts and feelings, as well as the guilt. Hinata was just special that way.

"Naruto-kun, I'm glad you came to visit me." She said. "I'm sorry I haven't been to see you in a few days, but father has decided to step up my training. After he heard what Neji-nii's team and I did during the invasion, he's planning to help me master the Trigrams 64 Palms. I can already do up to 32 now, consistently."

"Well I've got no doubts that you'll succeed." Naruto said, kissing her again, this time on the forehead. "As to why I'm here, I've got a mission with Ero-Sennin to find and return to the village Tsunade Senju. I don't know how long it'll take, so I wanted to let you know I'll be gone for a bit. I promise that I'll come see you and Haku as soon as I get back."

"Okay Naruto-kun, I'll see you when I get back." She said, before turning serious. "Father is here, so I guess it's time for my training. You caught me while I was warming up."

"Well then, I'll just leave you to it."

888

Ten minutes later, Naruto skidded to a stop at the gates of Konoha where Jiraiya and Sarutobi were waiting. Before anyone could even mention it, Naruto quickly burst in.

"Sorry I'm late, but my horoscope advised against being on time." In truth, he'd gone to Ichiraku's for a bite to eat, and to let them know he was leaving. He wasn't totally shocked that Ayame gave him a big hug- not like he'd been when Sakura gave him one, and wished him luck- and told him to come back safe.

Sarutobi stared at his pseudo-grandson, and had to seriously fight the face vault that was threatening to come. Jiraiya had no such compunctions, and crashed face first into the ground at the words that came from his apprentice's mouth. A couple minutes later, after a few more goodbyes, Naruto and Jiraiya headed out. With a nod, Sarutobi- who it turned out was actually a Kage Bunshin- dispelled himself.

As Jiraiya and Naruto were leaving the village to find the only other shinobi the current Hokage trusted to take the hat- since Jiraiya had vehemently declined, and Naruto wasn't quite ready- a certain scarred member of the Hokage's guard was stainding in front of the God of Shinobi standing at attention.

"Hokage-sama," The man said, bowing.

"What is it, Raido?" Sarutobi questioned, gesturing for him to relax and take a seat, and found himself startled when then man declined.

"Permission to speak freely, sir?"

"Granted," Sarutobi said, curious about his behavior, and what the man would say.

"I think that it's utterly ridiculous that Naruto hasn't been promoted." He said, reminding the Hokage of the decision to hold off on Naruto's promotion alongside Shikamaru. "He almost single-handedly turned the tide of the battle. Not to mention he displayed Chuunin level skill, leadership, and qualities during both the tournament and the invasion."

Sarutobi sighed, as he knew that eventually someone else- Jiraiya had already done so once- would bring it up. He'd only done it, because of all the paperwork Naruto would have to fill out, and the other things he'd have to deal with in registry. It would have delayed his and Jiraiya's mission by almost another week, one they couldn't afford to let pass.

"I agree with you completely, which is why I've decided to promote him once he returns from his mission with Jiraiya to find Tsunade." The old man said smiling. "Afterall, between the exam- minus the humiliating Neji portion- the invasion, and him helping to bring back the next Hokage, who could possibly argue that he doesn't deserve to be promoted?"

Raido nodded. "There's one other thing. I would also like your permission for Genma, Tsurugi and myself to teach Naruto the Hiraishin."

"You do remember Minato's feelings on that matter." Sarutobi mentioned with a slight edge to his voice. If there was one thing that was taken seriously in the village, it was the last wishes of a deceased Hokage; especially one that gave his life in defense of the village. Well, they were taken seriously when they weren't being completely ignored, like that one wish for Naruto to be seen as a hero for the sacrifice that was made out of him.

"I do, but considering how many other of Yondaime-sama's feelings and desires have been ignored, I think he might be okay with this one."

"We shall see." Sarutobi said. "If Naruto has the fuinjutsu accumen to actually learn the jutsu, then I will allow it."

"Thank you sir." Raido said, before exiting the office.

"What do you say to that, old friend?" Sarutobi asked, without looking up.

"Hmph, never could pull the wool over your eyes, could I?" Danzo said, with a hint of amusement.

"I wouldn't say never, Danzo, but certainly not when I'm paying attention." Sarutobi said, finally turning a grin to his long time friend and rival. "So, what do I owe this visit?"

"Would it surprise you to hear that a visit from Naruto prompted this meeting?" Danzo inwardly smirked at the shocked look. "Let's just say that after breaking into my compound- and no I don't want to talk about it- we had a rather interesting discussion; most importantly about my division of Anbu."

"Oh, what about it?"

"He seems to think that having emotionless drones is a mistake, but didn't seem capable of really giving a definitive reason why." Danzo said. "He said that I should ask you."

"It's really quite simple." Sarutobi said. What would follow was a very complex explanation that only ninja as old, and who had been in service as long as they had, would understand. The main gist of it really was simple, though. While having ninja like that capable of carrying out missions that normal shinobi don't have the heart to perform, having no emotion makes them liabilities. If Danzo were to allow his ninja to form at the very least emotional attachments to the village as a whole, then they'd get shinobi willing and capable of going beyond the call of duty for their village.

Danzo found himself once more inwardly sobbing for such lost time. He found himself really wishing now that he'd had a sensei like Tobirama Senju, rather than that cranky Uchiha bitch he'd been stuck with. I mean really, a good majority of the clan were actually okay folks, but the ones most people were exposed to just so happened to be like Fugaku, Sasuke post massacre, and Madara. The only time his sensei seemed to be in any kind of good mood was after spending a night with Sarutobi's sensei, and that rather odd break up the Jounin and Hokage had had shortly before they'd become the then equivalent of Chuunin, had cut that off completely.

Removing a scroll from his robes, he sat it on the table. "This is a full roster of my forces. We are prepared to be the roots that the great tree keeps hidden."

Giving the man a nod, Sarutobi pulls out a file, and places it on the desk. "Here is a list of the Academy washouts for this year who had the potential to make it, but unfortunately did not make the cut. If you restrict your recruiting to this pool, and keep me informed of your movements, I will reactivate your cell."

"Agreed." Danzo gave his old friend a nod. "By the way, given that the seal he used to immobilize the Hyuuga was an A-rank creation of mine, I'd say little Naruto might just have the ability to learn Hiraishin."

"I am well aware of Naruto's ability with seals, Danzo." Hiruzen said. "But Minato wished for Naruto to create his own legacy, not copy his. The only reason he was willing to give Naruto the Rasengan is because it was still incomplete."

"Hmm, I can't say I agree with Minato, but I understand." Danzo said. "However, limiting the availability of such a powerful weapon is doing the village no favors; especially if the lad's clones are capable of using the jutsu. Not to mention, it would be a good ace up his sleeve until he can create his own techniques."

Sarutobi paused in thought. Given the number of Kage Bunshin Naruto could make, if all of those clones were capable of using the Hiraishin, they could have a ready made army capable of being anywhere they were needed almost instantly.

"Hmm, you may just have a point." Hiruzen said, lighting his pipe. He inhaled, and blew out the smoke, smiling when Danzo inhaled deeply, and gave a calming sigh.

"Is that?"

"Yep, Koku Kaminari Special (7)." He answered. "Jiraiya brought me a pound when he came back to the village a month ago." Seeing Danzo's pleading look, Sarutobi reached into his desk, and pulled out a plastic baggy, and held it in his hand. He gave a smirk when Danzo pulled his own pipe out, and emptied it with a bit of fuuton manipulation. "I'll share on one condition."

"What?" Danzo asked, hoping that this wouldn't be like the time he'd conned him into crossdressing, and sneaking into Koharu's sleepover to see if Biwako liked him.

"I want you to see if Naruto needs help with his fuuton manipulation." Danzo readily agreed, as it wouldn't be too much of a burden. The kid had gotten him his best friend/rival back- and that was once more back on freiendly terms- so he was willing to do that. Smiling again, Sarutobi passed the baggy over, and watched as the other elder packed and lit his own pipe. As the two smoked away the afternoon, and the baggy of Sarutobi's special tobacco, they relaxed, and talked about old times.

The on duty Anbu could only stare in slight shock at what she was seeing and hearing. While not nearly to the level of Kushina or Naruto Uzumaki, if what she was hearing was true, then those two were a fucking menace as children. That the two half baked men were contemplating starting a prank war with Naruto upon his return from his mission with Jiraiya, had her blood running cold. Konoha wouldn't survive being caught in the crossfire of Naruto against two Kage level ninja, especially considering what happened when Iruka had made the same attempt in an effort to curb Naruto's pranking habit. They'd caused her squad thousands of ryo in therapy before Sarutobi had drawn up a ceasefire, and ordered them both to sign it.

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Key:

1. White Tiger Monster

2. Infinite Kitsune

3. Ice Woman/Hag- This is an actual Japanese mythical demon being, so feel free to look it up.

4. bird

5. I couldn't find this in Japanese, or a good translator in time

6. Konoha Dragon

7. Black Lightning Special

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After reading the manga- I just finished chapter 618- there's something that's bothering me about the series. This being the whole Sasuke on a journey of self discovery while the rest of the world is embroiled in a war. This whole set up reeks of a foreshadowing that I really don't want to consider, but that I must. Therefore, I will go on record right now and say it. If Sasuke suddenly switches sides again, and ends up being the one to defeat Madara, I'm to be highly pissed off. When this chapter was first posted, I threatened to boycott Naruto and Naruto fanfiction, but I've sense gotten over that initial reaction. Now, I think I'll just do what I do with Harry Potter fanfiction. It never happened, so I'll just ignore it.