The three Eds sat with their arms crossed and in silence as they looked at the their psychiatric doctor, Me. "So I understand you three are really at each others throats. What's that like?" I ask them.
"Oh it's a gasp. We Swayze each other all day, every day." Eddy answers.
"Good Eddy, good." I say as I write something on my clipboard. "Ed and Double D, how would you two describe Eddy?"
"I think he's a humongous, throbbing d***." Edd answers.
"Not me." Ed says.
"Really? Then what do you think of him?" I ask.
"I think he's a tiny, cold, shriveled up d***." Ed answers.
"I'll ram my thumb through your eye socket you little b****!" Eddy yells as the three resort to bickering.
"Calm down now, calm down." I say quietly while pulling a bucket of popcorn out from nowhere and watching. FIVE MINUTES LATER!
"The biggest, wettest, soggiest d***." Ed finishes.
"Now soggy implies that d***s absorb water." Edd adds.
"My junk doesn't take the fluids it hands it out for free, cause that's how I roll." Eddy says.
"You must start rolling by using that flat head of yours cause you ain't getting very far." Edd snaps back. The yelling resumes.
"I think... I had too... Much popcorn..." I say before running off and barf in the bathroom. FIVE MORE MINUTES LATER! "Alright, so I was thinking of doing you all separate."
"Phrasing." Edd says.
"So two of you line up outside and wait while I work on the third one." I tell them.
"Phrasing!" Edd says again.
"And then I'll call you all in to do all three of you."
"Hey! Phrasing!"
Subject one Ed! Ed stands while sending several punches into the air. "Are you ready?" I ask.
"Hold on. Just a few more sets." Ed says before laying down on the couch. "*Sigh* Ya know doc, sometimes I just question why I hangout with these two. No! No! Me and those a**wipes out there are the bestest of friends and damn them for making me think otherwise!" Ed states.
"Well I think-"
"I know doc, I just need to hear them out more often. But sometimes I think they just don't listen to what I have to say and damn it I have some interesting s*** to say!"
"Well that's actually what I-"
"Oh doc you're right! It's not that I don't listen to them as much as it is they don't listen to me."
"Kinda. Look I just wanted to-"
"So like what I need to do is get like my own spinoff. Step out from their shadows. No longer shall Ed be the third wheel of the team. From now on Ed shall be the only Ed in town."
"What exactly does that mean?"
"I must kill the other Eds."
"Uh hu, and how did you come up with that conclusion?"
"Simple, it was a prophecy made by genetically altered Dinosaurs who were created by the Grey aliens in a war with the Slender Men." Ed says as he stares off into space. I just look at him.
"As cool as that sounds, you know what is even cooler?"
"What?"
"To defy that prophecy and not kill your friends." Ed turns to me with the look of revelation on his face.
"Lets do it for the Slender Men."
"Is that a yes?"
"It's a yes, yeah."
"Awesome.
Subject two, Edd! He looks at me with his own clipboard. "Where did you get that?" I ask him.
"Your mother's house." Edd answers bitterly.
'Subject is a d***' I think to myself. "So tell me Mister oh-whatever-the-hell-your-lastname-is, what's your relationship with your friends like?"
Edd pauses and stares off into space as a montage of TBEP and Best Of Frienimies goes on. He then breaks the trance, "Average."
'Damn, I wasn't expecting his wits to be so quick. I better change tactic.' I think once again. "Quick, when was the first time you and Eddy became friendly rivals?"
"Uh. Um. You put me on the spot the first thought that comes to mind is..."
"Yay, another flashback! Swirly, swirly, swirly swirl."
Edd thinks back to the first day him and Eddy had a rivalry. Eddy walks out of one house while an older woman waving goodbye to him as she closes the door. Edd exits the house next door with an older woman waving him goodbye. Him and Eddy then meet on the sidewalk in front of both homes. "YOUR MOM SAYS HI!" Both Eds shout at each other.
"And we're back to normal time, I guess a flashpresent? Tough to say." I say as Edd comes back to us.
"I think it all started over a lost Yu-Gi-Oh card." Edd says as I look at him.
"Really? You think it's over that and not the life scarring memory we just witnessed?"
"Why yes, yes I do. Thank you for noticing."
Subject three, Eddy! Eddy sits on the couch while eating a bag of peanuts. "Damn it Eddy, what are you doing?"
"I'm eating because I am very uncomfortable."
"That makes the both of us. Now I see you're extremely angry all the time."
"I'M NOT ANGRY YOU SONUVAB****! IF IM ANGRY THEN SO IS KRATOS, SCORPION, WAR AND EVERY OTHER PISSED OFF B****** ONLINE!" Eddy unleashes as I just write on the clipboard.
Final chance! "Alright, we have got from point A to a little less than a fourth of point A. How about this. I let you all talk this out but not as yourselves. You shall use puppets for this conversation." I tell the Eds.
"Well that's just fraking perfect!" Eddy says.
"Just for that attitude you get the tube sock with google eyes." I say as I pull a tube sock with google eyes out from a box and toss it to Eddy. "Ed you can be the Red Hulk toy and Double D, you're the Sailor Moon plushie."
"Hey, jack pot." Edd says.
"When's that reboot supposed to come out?" Eddy asks looking at the plushie.
"I dunno." Edd answers.
"To Wikipedia!" Ed shouts.
"No time! And speak to each other." I tell them as I turn the lights off and shine a lamp on the puppets. The three sit there in silence.
"This is all your fault sockhead!" Eddy says turning his puppet to Edds.
"That's so like you Eddy, just blame someone else it's so much easier." Edd replies directing his plushie at the tube sock.
"Oh no, don't pay any attention to me. Not like I'm right here." Ed intrudes with the red hulk toy.
"Ed if you're going to be a good third wheel then at least sit there and be quiet like the other third wheels in cartoon trios." Eddy replies pointing the sock to the hulk.
"Don't go and take your anger out on Ed, Eddy. He just wants to matter for once in his existence." Edd tells him.
"Gee, thanks a lot Double D."
"Tell ya what, you love Ed so much then why don't ya marry the yellow ba****? Or would you prefer Kevin despite how little the two of you ever interacted with each other on the actual series!? Do you understand my anger!?" Eddy rants.
"We swore never to speak of that moment ever again!" Edd yells.
"I'm good at yelling too!" Ed tries to remain vital.
"Shut up!" Edd and Eddy answer.
"If that's the way you two feel then I'll just run away. Yeah that's it! I'll run off and have my own spinoff of this tie-in series. And it won't have anything to do with the two of you cause I'll never need you two!" Ed says as a silence befalls the puppets.
"Hey, come on man. Don't say that." Eddy says.
"Yeah. That's the least American thing I've ever heard. To abandon your brothers like that." Edd adds.
"Well, I've been abandoned for so long." Ed says.
"Not true man. We didn't abandon you, we savoured you." Eddy tells.
"Eh?" Ed says.
"You were to be the hype man for the series. That special guest flare that added a little magic to the whole chapter." Edd elaborates.
"You mean it?" Ed asks.
"Yeah man. You matter. You matter big time." Eddy adds.
"You magnificent sons of B******!" Ed yells shaking the Red Hulk toy violently.
"Hey careful, it's a collectible." I tell Ed.
"Puppet group hug." Edd says as the trio of puppets hug it out.
"Real group hug!" Ed says as the three hug it out. "Brief! Get in here ya Ginger ba**** and get in on this action." Ed adds.
"Do I have to?" Brief asks.
"Get in here!" Ed groans.
"Fine." Brief walks in as the trio pull him into the hug. I then stand up and walk over to join the hug.
"Not you." Eddy hisses as Ed and Edd fan me away.
"Aw..." I say.
A tv monitor then shuts off. "So mister Spielberg, what did you think?" I ask the famous director with the three Eds standing next to me.
"Honestly?" He asks.
"Yes."
"It was terrible."
"Okay, now what did you think without being honest?"
"It was fantastic."
"YEAH!" Me and the Eds high five.