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Chapter 8

5 Years Ago, Christmas Day

Clara looked around her flat and took one more deep breath. It was perfect. Everything was perfect. The place looked clean, the tree was small, but she couldn't really fit anything larger in her living room, the table was set and the turkey was in the oven. She was all set for a very important day.

Today Clara would do it, she would finally do it. She would tell John about her feelings for him. They had known each other for nine months now and they had become close, very close. Yet it still wasn't close enough for her taste. Clara liked him, she had liked him from the very beginning. John was everything she could possibly want from a man: kind, funny, gentle, caring and extremely good looking, not to mention the fact that he still continued to quote Jane Austen to her. She wanted more than just his friendship and on some days Clara thought that he felt the same – but she would never know unless she told him. John was too shy to make the first step.

When the doorbell rang, Clara inhaled sharply and straightened her skirt. She passed the mirror on her way to the door and checked her looks one last time before giving her reflection an approving nod. She had chosen to wear one of her best dresses tonight, one that John had already complimented once when they had gone out to a pub event together a while back. He would like it. He would like her. Clara blew the air out between her lips and opened the door.

"Merry Christmas," he said gently and held up a bottle of wine, smiling kindly in her direction.

"Merry Christmas," Clara replied and instantly wrapped her arms around his neck in a tight hug. John stiffened under her touch.

"Uhm, Clara," he cleared his throat, "You know how I feel about hugging."

She giggled in response. "And you know how I feel about you feeling like that. Besides, it's Christmas. Give me a hug!"

Reluctantly she felt John close his arms around her back, but his body was still rigid under her touch, so Clara decided to let go of him for now. She would make a hugger out of him at some point.

"Well, what are you waiting for? Come on in," Clara said and gestured for John to follow her inside her flat.

John instantly made his way into the kitchen and sat down the wine bottle. He knew the place well, after all, he had helped her paint the walls and move her furniture after she had moved out of the Maitland's house and into her own place shortly after starting her new job at Coal Hill school. And of course John had also taken care of the set-up of her electronic devices, especially the new router. Clara didn't know what she would have done without him in the past few months. John truly had become one of the most important people in her life.

She smiled at him as she went to fetch two glasses from the cupboard, but when she was about to pour the second glass, John held her back.

"None for me," he said immediately.

Clara frowned at him and a suspicion started to rise up inside of her while she dearly hoped that she was wrong.

"I'm on call tonight," John explained and her heart sank instantly.

"John!" Clara said angrily, "You said you'd take Christmas off so we could have a nice meal together. I made turkey!"

She watched as he bit down on his lip and suddenly he looked downright uncomfortable. As much as she would have loved a quiet Christmas Day together with John, Clara knew that he loved his job and that he would do about anything to help people – which was what she loved so much about him. Yet just for one day Clara wanted him for herself.

"They asked."

Clara put her arms akimbo, glowering at him. "At some point you should consider just saying no. You're not the only doctor on this planet. They have others. They can have the annoying shifts for a change."

John sighed and looked at her pleadingly. "I'm sorry, Clara. The other doctors have families. They should be with them at Christmas. I, on the other hand-"

"You have me," Clara blurted out without meaning to.

He chuckled, but at the same time there was something sad in his eyes. "I can imagine the look on my boss' face when I tell him I can't take the shift because I'm going to spend Christmas with a beautiful, young woman half my age."

Clara shrugged. "He'd have given you the day off and he probably would have been jealous."

John smiled at her in reply.

"Alright," Clara said determinedly, "Let's eat, shall we?"

John complimented her on the food as they ate and thanked her once more for the invitation while Clara grew increasingly nervous about what was going to happen later tonight. She wouldn't chicken out again, not like she had done during the evening at the cinema or at the pub with Amy and Rory or the beach. Tonight she would tell him and she would have to do it before his beeper went off to call him in for an emergency.

They retreated to her sofa afterwards and Clara poured herself a second glass of wine for courage while John selected a movie from her collection. When it came to films John seemed to have been living under a rock for the past fifteen years, but that wasn't a surprise, seeing how full his work schedule usually was. Clara had managed to encourage him to take a few more days off, but every now and then he still bailed even on her when the right person at the hospital asked him to cover a shift.

Eventually John found a movie and settled on the sofa next to her while Clara finished her wine glass. Love Actually. That was the perfect introductory movie for a confession like she had planned for tonight and she scooted a little closer to him.

"Didn't you say it was a Christmas movie?" John asked after a while.

"Yeah, why?"

He chuckled. "Looks more like a silly love story to me."

"Well, yeah," Clara confirmed, "It is a silly love story. One of the best there is. And it's also a Christmas movie."

She leaned her head against his shoulder with a sigh and felt John shift in his seat. He wasn't comfortable with touching anyone, but the better they got to know each other the more he would allow. Holding his arm. Taking his hand. He was improving. He even let her rest her head against his shoulder.

They watched the movie mostly in silence, Clara only occasionally sipping the wine he had brought and John stealing a crisp from the bowl every now and then. It was a wonderful Christmas Day, even though her family wasn't around this year. Her father and Linda had gone on a holiday and her grandmother had suggested to celebrate Christmas together at a later time when they could all be together. And if Clara was completely honest, she quite liked the fact that it was just her and John this year.

"So," Clara began and looked up at him expectantly, "Did you like it?"

John wrinkled his nose in reply. "It was a bit cheesy, wasn't it?"

She giggled and sat up to be at eye level with him. "It is, but it's the good kind of cheesy," she said, smiling at him. Then she gave him a soft nudge in the ribs. "Come on, admit it. You liked it."

A shy smile started to spread across his face and he lowered his gaze a little. "Yeah, it wasn't bad."

When John finally looked back at her he was still smiling and Clara felt her stomach tingle at the sight. It was now or never and she knew it. She had to say something now or the moment would be gone again. Yet when Clara opened her mouth, no word seemed to come out.

"John," she almost whispered nervously.

"Yes?" He raised his eyebrows just a little, expecting her to say something, to tell him what was on her mind, but her throat was suddenly utterly dry. What if he didn't like her in that way? What if she had misread the signals? No. Now or never.

When the words failed her, Clara simply leaned forward, closed the distance between them and pressed her lips against his in a kiss. The butterflies in her stomach were doing somersaults and she counted the seconds that their kiss lasted. One. Two. Three.

Then John abruptly pulled away and stared at her, his eyes wide in shock or fear or even horror. Oh God, she had messed up.

"Clara," he breathed, "I, uhm. . ."

When Clara opened her mouth to justify her actions, the beeper in his pocket suddenly started to make in incredibly loud noise and in a matter of seconds John had jumped up from the sofa and put a distance between the two of them.

"I, uhm, I. . . I'm sorry," he stammered, "I have to go."

"John-" Clara tried to call after him, but he simply turned around and darted out of her flat without further warning.

Clara sank back into the sofa cushions with a sigh. Yep, she had definitely messed up.