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Garrus didn't sleep at all that night. He sat in his bunk, elbows on his knees, staring at the cold floor, wondering what the hell was wrong with him. Why was he so mad at her? He had to have known she would try something to save Sidonis. One of the first things she had said to him was about protecting the civilians. But this wasn't a civilian. He was a traitor and a coward. Shepard knew that as soon as she got Sidonis to explain, if even the tiniest bit of goodness shone through it would have made Garrus second guess himself. And even if it didn't, she would have stayed there all night if she had to until his conscience got the best of him.

Damn her. She knew him too well.

He should have known better. He shouldn't have brought her. What if he had just asked for some shore leave? He probably could have done it alone. Why would he bring her, knowing full well she would try to stop him? Maybe he didn't want to do it. Maybe he brought her knowing she would stop him from turning into a murderer. Subconsciously, perhaps, he didn't want to do it at all.

Even so, once she actually did it, once she actually chose Sidonis' side over his, he couldn't fight the anger.

Wait...was that why he was so mad?

He stood and started pacing the Battery.

Damn right, he said to himself. Damn right, that's why I'm pissed.

After all these years, all they've seen together, all he thought they meant to each other, she would still choose an innocent civilian over his peace of mind? On the bridge, Garrus realized he would have sacrificed his entire team to bring Shepard back, and she wasn't even willing to trust him enough that he could handle killing someone who betrayed him? After all this time, she still cared more about the civilians than she did about him.

But that's who she is, that's always how she's been. Why was he so surprised? So angry? Did he expect that she would eventually come to care for him enough that he would be more precious to her than civilians?

What the hell, why did he even want to be that precious to her? Or to anyone? It's not like they were lovers, or family...

Garrus is about the closest thing I've got to family, she had said.

Well then, damn it, why didn't she act like it? Shepard was never one Garrus would classify as "all talk". If they were really family, wouldn't she put him before the life of some nobody? Surely if those homeless men who had hurt her when she was a child were still alive she'd want them dead, right? And Garrus wouldn't even hesitate to kill them. Slowly.

It's easy to not think revenge is right when the only people you've ever wanted revenge on were already dead. It's easy to say that killing in cold blood is wrong when you don't have any emotional attachment in the act.

He slammed his palms into the Battery console and it beeped.

After all this time, she was more precious to him than he was to her.

The realization made his blood hot under his skin.

This is, he thought to himself, an unacceptable weakness.

Shepard avoided Garrus like he had the plague. He hadn't come out of the Battery all day and it was making her hate herself. But she stood by her decision. As she had approached Sidonis she had spared a moment to hope, almost wish, that Garrus wouldn't hate her for what she had done. But that was obviously as fruitless as wishing ever was. The only thing in her life she managed to do right, and she ruined it.

But that's okay, she thought, staring at the Battery doors. It's better this way.

Later, she needed to leave the ship, so she decided she would at least see if he wanted to come. She hadn't left the ship without him since Noveria, and it seemed like it would piss him off even more if she didn't at least ask him.

She made her footsteps extra loud just to make sure he knew she was coming.

"Shepard," he said without turning around. "Need me for something?"

"Yeah I uh... well I'm going to pick up this last recruit and was gonna see if you wanted to come along. It shouldn't take long, I just have to find her."

"Ah, the thief right? The one with the stupid password?"

"That's her."

"You go ahead, I've got to get these diagnostics finished."

"Ah, moved from C-words to D-words to avoid me. Very clever. I almost didn't catch it."

He turned to look at her over his shoulder, his frigid eyes hanging on her wordlessly.

"Uh, yeah, okay. I'll see you later, Garrus." She backed out of the Battery and the doors hissed shut in front of her. She sighed and put her forehead on the door for a moment, wishing she could take the last forty-five seconds back.

Great idea, Jane, she said to herself. Provoke him, that should smooth things over.

She turned back to the Mess Hall and eyed the congregation there.

"Hey Thane," she said, walking toward the drell. "You haven't left the ship in while. You want to come with me?"

"It'd be a pleasure, Shepard," he said.

"Excellent. I'll go get Lawson and we'll head out."

"As you wish."

She sighed as they loaded back onto the Citadel.

"Lovers quarrel?" Miranda asked. "I've never seen you leave the ship without Garrus before."

"I seem to have fucked up pretty bad," she said, rubbing the back of her neck. "But that's okay. I mean… I kind of expected him to hate me for it so I'll just deal with it. It's better than the alternative."

"What was the alternative to him hating you?" she asked.

"Him hating himself," she said with a sad smile as they approached the glowing ad.

"Commander Shepard," a heavily accented voice said. "Enter your password and receive a free gift."

"I am really not in the mood," Shepard said, coldly.

"Ah, I heard you might be tough," the ad said. "Goto Kasumi, at your service."

"A pleasure, Goto-san," Shepard said. "Now get onto the ship."

"H-hai, Taichou," the thief replied, taken aback by the Commander's greeting. "You look silly talking to the advertisement anyway."

Shepard turned to look up at where the voice was coming from. Kasumi bowed to her, and Shepard nodded in return. Then the girl disappeared.

"Great," Shepard said. "Another sneaky person." She waved a hand dismissively at Thane. "That's just what I need."

Thane scoffed. "Being able to cloak, and being stealthy, are not necessarily the same things," he said.

"Ooh," Shepard said as they turned to head into the wards. "Touchy subject?"

"Hardly," Thane said. "I merely thought you'd appreciate knowing the difference."

"And here I thought you two were going to be bestest friends."

This is stupid, Garrus said to himself as he listened to Shepard talk to the other girls in the Mess Hall. He had confined himself to the Battery all day, dwelling over the situation like a child, just making himself more and more angry over it. It didn't help that Shepard took Krios in his place even when she knew how much Garrus still didn't trust him. All of this could probably be avoided if he would just talk to her. What was he expecting to happen if he didn't? It would just magically get better? No. He had to know where he stood. He had to know if their friendship truly meant as little to her as she made it seem. If he was really her best friend, then he deserved better from her.

The Battery doors hissed open as he exited them, staring her down as he slowly approached.

"Aw shit, he's still pissed," Shepard said softly.

"How can you tell?" Kelly whispered. "He always looks like he's smiling."

"Just...trust me..." she said back. "He's pissed." Once he had finally approached she smiled awkwardly at him. "Hey, Garrus."

He stared at her for long, silent, moments; Communicating without a single word.

"Yeah...Okay," she said as she stood and gave the girls a wince. "I uh... I'll talk to you ladies, later," she said, turning to go to the elevator.

Garrus followed her. Silently.

He heard her heart pounding in her chest as they rode the elevator up, saw how she tapped her foot nervously. She was afraid. Good. She should be.

"Jesus," she said as she made her way into her quarters. "This must be what it feels like when you know your parents are going to scold you."

"Scold is a bit too lenient a word for what I'd like to do to you right now."

"Well," she said with a nervous smile, turning to face him. "Insert generic snarky innuendo here, and have at it."

He exhaled through his nose as he approached her, trying to keep his cool.

"I'm trying," he said with a sigh. "Really trying, to stop this anger I've got. But I can't seem to, Shepard."

"I can see that," she said, sinking into a hip.

"Why, Shepard?"

"Why, what, Garrus? Why did I keep you from shooting Sidonis?"

"Yes. Why did you take his side over mine? Does our friendship mean so little to you that a civilian you don't even know means more to-"

"If I were you," she said through clenched teeth. "I would stop talking."

Garrus could tell she was making a significant effort to keep the anger out of her face, but he heard her heart start thrumming in her chest.

"Have I said something offensive?" He said, stepping toward her. "Or did you use our friendship against me to keep me from killing someone who betrayed me?"

"You're damn right that's what I did," she said through clenched teeth.

"And yet you think my reaction is unfounded?" he shouted. "You just admitted to choosing him over me."

"I did nothing of the kind, Garrus."

"How can you say that?"

"Well if you're this pissed about it, you shouldn't have let him go."

"Like you would have given me a choice? You know me so well that as soon as you got him to tell his side of the story you knew I would have second thoughts. You used that, and how I feel about you against me to save his worthless life."

"I didn't do it to save him, Garrus. I did it to save you."

"Like hell, Shepard. Don't try and make it out like you were protecting me. I know damn well your stance on killing in cold blood. So don't pretend you were doing anything other than what you've always done; protect the civilians."

She took a few deep breaths and walked past him towards the door, her arms crossed against her chest.

"I'm not having this conversation," she said.

"Don't you walk away from me," he snapped.

"You obviously aren't going to believe what I tell you," she said, her cold Commander mask firmly in place. A mask, he thought, she was far passed using with him. Her calm composure was infuriating. "What is the point to this conversation? Are you just trying to hurt my feelings? Is that what you want? Mission accomplished. You can go back to the Battery satisfied that you've ruined my day. But if you're not going to believe what I tell you why are you even asking me questions?"

His hands bunched into fists at his sides as he tried to bite down his anger, heavy breaths heaving from his chest.

"If you want me to believe that you did it for me than give me a damn explanation!"

She rubbed her eyes with her fingers.

"Have you ever killed in cold blood, Vakarian?" She asked, without lifting her head.

Her addressing him formally struck a nerve, but he wasn't going to let her derail him. Not again.

"You know I haven't, Commander," he spat back.

That obviously got to her, as her head snapped up and her vivid green eyes focused angrily on his.

"Well I wasn't about to allow you to start!" she shouted, clenching her hands into fists.

"That isn't your choice! You do not get to decide what I can and can't live with!"

"Did you even think about what you were doing? Have you prepared yourself for the consequences of taking someone's life for no other reason than you wanted it?"

"What the hell would you know," he cursed, waving a hand dismissively. "What do you know about betrayal? What do you know about revenge?"

"God damn it! You don't know me, Garrus," she raged. The fury in her face made him pause. What had she just said? He had to have heard her wrong.

"What do you mean I don't know you? No one knows you like I do."

"And yet you still know nothing!" She said, sadly, the anger easing out of her tone. "But that's alright. I would rather you hate me."

"You did this because you want me to hate you?"

"I did all of this to protect you, you stupid talking lizard! But I am fully prepared to have you hate me if it means I don't have to watch you hurt like I have."

"Like you have...?"

Her eyes widened as she realized what she said, but the sneer quickly came back to her face.

"This conversation is over," she said, turning away from him.

"What do you mean," he said, grabbing her arm to keep her from leaving. "What do you mean 'hurt like you have'?"

"Like I said, Garrus, you don't know anything."

"Explain it to me, Shepard. You owe me that much."

"No," she raged, trying to rip her arm from his grip. "I don't have to explain anything to you. You just go on believing what you want to believe. It's none of my business anymore."

"None of your business?" he said, forcing her to turn to him and gripping her shoulders. "What, you're giving up now?"

"What is there to fight for, Garrus? You've already made your decision."

He roared and shoved her, effectively slamming her up against the fish tank. He squeezed her shoulders in his hands so hard blood started to pool under his talons.

"Unacceptable," he growled. "You are not allowed to give up on me, Shepard. Because I have never, ever, given up on you."

Angry tears started to well up in her eyes, but she stayed silent. Her insides quaked as she tried to fight it, her brows knitting together in a sneer.

"Just... Talk to me, Jane."

"You don't know what it's like, Garrus," she said finally, and he felt her body shutter through his hands on her shoulders. "To carry that kind of ghost around with you."

"What are you talking about, Shepard?"

"I'm not who everyone thinks I am, alright?" she said, putting her hands on his chest and angrily pushing him. He let himself be pushed away as she spoke. "I'm not this perfect hero, this pinnacle of goodness everyone has painted me as." She put her hand over her eyes to try and compose herself, her other hand a shivering fist at her side.

His instinct to go to her was strong. He fought it, fought the urge to approach her and tell her it was alright. He wasn't going to let their friendship be used against him, not again.

"God damn it," she said turning to pound a fist into the fish tank, commanding herself to keep her shit together. "Dee and I weren't attacked by some random homeless men," she cursed, her shoulders tense and shivering. "We were attacked by the leaders of the Tenth Street Red's, Gideon and Carmine. They were like father figures to us when we ran with them." She cleared her throat, hoping it covered up how her voice shook. With her hand still on the fish tank, she turned her head to look at him over her shoulder. "They knew my short cut, and they knew it was out of sight, and they knew we would be there alone." She turned back to the fish tank and let her forehead fall onto it as stubborn, angry tears streaked her cheeks. She clenched her teeth together as she fought against the sadness, knowing full well her words were about to change Garrus' opinion of her forever. "When I was 17 I found Carmine, the one who killed Deelia, and I followed him. That night I snuck into his hide-out and I slit his throat in his fucking sleep. I sat there and I watched him die, watched the light leave his eyes as he choked on his own blood." She put her face in her hand again, afraid to look at him. Afraid he would see the shame in her face. "I didn't join the military to become a hero, Garrus. I didn't change my name to honor Deelia. I did it to avoid getting arrested for the murder I had committed: A cold, premeditated, gruesome, murder. And no matter how many people I save, no matter how good I am Garrus, I will never, ever, be clean of that."

She turned to look at him and the shock in his face was obvious. She took a deep breath and wiped the tears from her face before turning around and letting her back slide down the tank until she was on the floor.

"Well," she said sadly. "Now you know and now you can get out."

"Shepard..."

"What?" She snapped, looking up at him. "What else do you want from me? Aren't you happy now? Congratulations, Garrus. You know my dirty little secret. Now get out."

"Do you really want me to leave?"

"I don't see why you'd want to stay," she confessed before propping her elbows up on her knees and holding her head in her hands. "God, Garrus I wouldn't have been able to handle it. Watching you hurt like that, not when I knew I could stop it. When I knew I could save you from it. I would rather you hate me for not letting you kill him."

"What's the matter with you," Garrus said. "Shepard, I don't think I even have the capacity to hate you. And, frankly, the fact that you think I could is a little jarring." He exhaled through his nose and approached, crouching onto the balls of his feet in front of her and putting his hands on her knees. "I wasn't mad because you didn't let me kill him. I was mad because I thought you chose sides, and the side you chose wasn't mine."

"I don't know how you could ever think that," she said, lifting her head to look at him. "Garrus, I will never not be on your side."

"I realize that now," he said, letting his head fall onto her knees, moving his hands to the back of her calves. "I feel pretty foolish now."

"Yeah well, you are pretty foolish."

He laughed before looking back up at her. "Why didn't you tell me this earlier, Shepard? Why did you think you had to hide it from me?"

"Because I, I don't know. Everyone has painted me as this hero who always saves the civilians, and I thought that's why you respected me. But the truth is, when I stop you idiots from killing people, it isn't to save the civilian. I usually don't give a good god damn about the civilians. I'm protecting my people from doing something they'll regret later. Garrus, if I had to choose between protecting you and protecting…an entire city of civilians… I will choose you every time." She sighed and let her head fall back against the base of the tank. "I didn't want your opinion of me to change. I thought you'd be disappointed in me if you knew."

"That's ridiculous. Shepard, I'm more disappointed that you only killed one of them."

She laughed. "Yeah well, I lingered too long after killing Carmine, and Gideon found me. If he hadn't been so blinded by rage he probably would have killed me, but he was sloppy. I managed to take out one of his eyes and escaped with a broken arm. I thought for sure he would have met some untimely end by now, but when Finch found me on the Citadel a few years back, I knew he still had eyes on me somehow."

"So..." Garrus said, his hands subconsciously tightening on her legs. "If Carmine is the one that killed Deelia, then... Gideon's the one who..."

"Ah... yeah," she cleared her throat.

"And he's still alive."

"It would appear so. That message I got before Tuchanka, I'm pretty sure that was from him."

"Well, why is he threatening you after all this time?"

She cocked her head to the side. "I never said he threatened me."

Shit.

"Oh... I..."

"You hacked my terminal?"

He sighed and rolled to sit by her side against the base of the fish tank, laying his arms over his own knees.

"I had to Shepard. Before I came up here to talk to you I was furious that you had lied to me. I had to know what it was. The last time I just sat around while you tried to figure something out I almost lost you again. I couldn't take that chance."

He looked over at her and she was smiling at him before she leaned to rest the side of her head on his shoulder.

"We're, like, the worst best friends ever, aren't we?"

"Yeah," He said with a laugh, lowering his head into one of his hands. "We really are." They stayed like that for a moment before he lifted his head and looked down at her. "Hey. What did you say to Sidonis when you clicked off your comm?"

"That he shouldn't thank me and the only reason I was letting him go was so you could forgive yourself. And that if I ever caught him within 50 meters of you again I would drown him in the Presidium fountain with my bare hands."

Garrus laughed, a lot louder than he had meant to.

"That makes sense," he said.

"Yeah. I thought you'd get mad at me if you heard me threaten his life just after convincing you not to take it." She looked up at him, still leaning her head on his shoulder, and sighed. "I'm sorry I used your feelings against you."

He put an arm around her shoulders and laughed. "If I would have killed him, and found out some other way about his reasons for it, I never would have lived that down." He exhaled and put a kiss on the top of her head. "Thank you, Shepard," he said, resting the side of his face on her head. "For knowing me better than I know myself."