Roarkshop here!

So I'm going to California for my birthday (on Sunday) and I won't be back till Wednesday. So instead of posting the chapter all late and stuff, I'm posting it early! So there won't be a chapter next week, but instead you get two this week. I think that's a fair trade, don't you?

Plus, you know I don't like to leave you guys for a whole week on a cliffhanger. That would be mean. ^_^

LOVE YOU GUYS!

Lovelovelove

Roarkshop

Garrus sat down in the long abandoned Engineering hangar, down in the depths where Jack would usually keep herself busy. Currently it was dinner time and no one would probably be down here for a few hours, so he took the opportunity to sit on the floor and robotically dismantle his rifle. Piece by piece he laid it out in front of him, cleaning each tiny part systematically before he had an entire array of cogs and scraps sitting charted out on the floor in front of him. Every single piece a tiny, seemingly insignificant, thing. And yet no matter how small or misunderstood, the piece was vital to the cohesion of the unit, and without such it would cease to function and, in some cases, be dangerous. It was such a fine line, such a high-wire act, between well-oiled killing machine and gruesome fiery catastrophe. But no matter what happened, as long as he always put the same parts in the same place, it would work. It would always just work.

What a mess he was.

He leaned his head back on the wall and lifted his knees so he could drape his arms over them. He hadn't really thought about it before, that everything he was doing to keep Shepard safe could be misconstrued as fatherly or even disrespectful. But now that she had brought it to his attention, he couldn't stop seeing it that way. Now he just had one more thing to add to the long laundry list of reasons he was a crappy turian.

Her words bounced through his mind like an overactive pyjak. He couldn't stop thinking about it, torturing himself with her words.

Originally, Garrus had wanted to follower her up to her quarters and tell Massani to give them a minute. But the more he thought about it, the more of a terrible idea it seemed. In the past he had always managed to resolve whatever was between them simply by taking her shoulders and pretty much telling her everything was going to be alright. But this was completely different. This time he was the problem. This was totally new territory.

Garrus figured Shepard would find more comfort in the old friend that she wasn't pissed at as opposed to him. Even if he did go up there to talk to her, what would he say? Putting aside that she was completely wrong about the reason he had been acting differently, that didn't make her any less right about everything else. On top of that, there was nothing to be done about it. He certainly wasn't going to stop protecting her, and he certainly wasn't going to lie to her about it.

He exhaled and let his head hang against his chest.

Maybe he should just go back to Palaven. If she seriously considered him to be a threat to her safety, maybe he was causing her more harm than good by staying.

His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the Engineering doors sweeping open and unfamiliar heavy footsteps clanking down the stairs. Zaeed's good eye focused on him at the other end of the dimly lit room and a rather condescending smile spread across the merc's face. This was the last person Garrus had expected to come looking for him, but regardless he was glad for the distraction.

Wordlessly Zaeed made his way to Garrus' side and leaned against the wall, propping a foot up on it as he handed one of two bottles down. Garrus recognized it as the amino-neutral beer Gardener kept hidden away in the kitchen for special occasions, and reached up to tentatively take the vessel from the merc's hand.

Zaeed clinked the bottom of his bottle with the neck of Garrus' in a hap-hazard toast.

"Cheers, you bloody moron."

Garrus leaned his head on his hand and exhaled, saying nothing.

"She's still pretty pissed," Zaeed offered.

"I figured as much."

"I've never seen her like that," the old man admitted. "I've seen her at her lowest and I've never seen her as desperate as when she thought you were about become a zombie casserole. If I hadn't been holding her back she would have jumped right back over that hole to save your scaly ass."

"When will she learn?" Garrus said, almost exasperated. "When is she going to figure out how expendable we all are by comparison? When is she going to realize how important she is?"

"Never, right? Said as much herself. You don't need me tellin' you she's always been that way. Tiny little thing like that, still as stubborn as a goddamn mule. Just some… hungry kid, trying to survive, and still would never yield." He laughed affectionately and turned the bottle in his hand as he thought. "Still," he continued. "She's not stupid. She wouldn't have gone back to save anyone elses hide."

"And why do you think that?

"Because she cares about you, you twat."

"She cares about everyone, Massani. I've seen her risk her life for people she doesn't even know."

"And I suppose you've seen her shout at these people that she would rather them sit out a mission, safe at home, while she did the it without them to ensure they were safe?"

"That's not what she said."

"Like hell it aint."

Garrus looked down at his lap, thumbing the bottle in his hand, thinking over what the merc had just said. Was it really his safety she was most concerned with?

"Care to hear a story?" Zaeed said finally.

"Do I have a choice?"

"No."

"Then by all means."

Zaeed laughed and slid his back down the wall until he was sitting side by side with Garrus.

"I told you all last night about Vito and how he stole the Blue Suns from me, shot me in the face etcetera. What I didn't tell you is that I found him. Bout three years back now, if I recall it right. He was on Zorya; some little bullshit jungle planet. He'd taken over an oil refinery there and started running all the major operations out of it. The day before I had planned to go after him with a few of my mates I'd managed to hang onto, I got the message from Anderson that Red had gone down with the Normandy." He exhaled and lifted a knee. "That was an anger I hadn't been prepared for. Sacrificed herself for some bullshit crew member, like I was always afraid she was going to. Christ, I was livid. I charged that refinery solo and killed every armored bastard in my way. None of it made me stop kicking myself. I should have contacted her, I shouldn't have let her die alone. I was in such a state by the time I finally found Vito that I blew an oil rig in a hurried attempt to get at him faster. I put a lot of innocent lives in danger to reach my objective. I didn't really see the civilians, you understand, I was just going through the motions, moving on reflex, letting my anger do all the work. But before I knew it I had a choice to make. Either I let all these people die, people I endangered in the first place, just so I can hurry on to meet up with Vito; or I save the people and possibly let him get away."

A long bout of silence before Garrus finally asked the obvious question.

"What did you do?"

Zaeed let his head fall back against the wall and took a long pull on his beer.

"I thought about Jane. I thought about the Blitz. I thought about some tiny little spitfire, holding the line all by her lonesome against ten thousand terrorists calling for blood. Doing what she had always wanted to do; protecting those who couldn't protect themselves."

"You saved the civilians."

"You're damn right I saved the civilians. And wouldn't you know it, Vito got away because of it, and I never found him again."

An appreciative silence filled the room as the two men sat, side by side, and drank.

"Why are you telling me all this?" Garrus asked finally, looking down at his bottle.

"They say that heroes just don't drop out of the sky. Well they'd be as wrong about that as they are about everything else. Jane Shepard fell from the sky so goddamn hard she about knocked the wind out of me on impact. People like her don't come around very often, but when they do they are the only kinds of people capable of changing men like you and me. It wasn't until she was gone and I knew I was never going to see her again, that I realized she had changed me forever." Zaeed finally moved his head to look over at Garrus. "And I only had to know you for about five goddamn minutes before I knew she had changed you too."

Garrus exhaled through his nose and closed his eyes, letting his head fall against the wall as he contemplated what an idiot he was.

"Don't fuck this up, Spike," Zaeed finally said.

"Huh?"

"This. This you and Red thing you have going. Don't fuck it up because you're only going to get one chance."

"Why do I feel like we're talking about two different things right now?"

"Are you fuckin' shitting me?" Zaeed said, his tone right on the border of laughing. "You two are underpants-as-a-hat-retarded for each other. And instead of telling her what an absolute mess she makes you, you're down here drinking with me like a goddamn fruit."

"You're wrong," he said, perhaps more trying to convince himself than Zaeed. "She doesn't want me."

"Red doesn't want you the same way I don't want a room full of scantly clad Asari with questionable morals."

"Even if you're right," Garrus snapped. "Look at me." He raised his arms as if to gesture at his own body. "I don't even know how I'd begin to be with a human; soft, unprotected, meat sacks that you are. Spirits, I just happen to let myself lose control and then what? I accidentally hurt her? Or worse? What makes you think I'm stupid enough to take that chance?"

"Jesus titty-sprinkles Christ, you've got quite the ego, haven't ya?"

"What? How do you figure ego plays into it?"

"Listen plate-face. Jane Shepard has been beaten, tortured, raped, blown up, shot, stabbed, and sliced open. She's been electrocuted and she's drifted through the blackness of space and felt her lungs shred into itty bitty pieces. She's been every kind of hurt except thrown through a goddamn wood-chipper. And through all of that she has always, always, come back swinging. And you think you are going to be the one to bring her down? Accidentally? Using nothing but your manliness and a hard-on? Jiminy Christmas you must think highly of yourself."

Garrus was simultaneously appalled and stunned. Crude though the merc was, he was totally right. He had never even seen physical pain even faze Shepard in the past, why would he be the first to break her?

No. He shook the thought out of his head. He couldn't let himself follow this train of thought. Damn this human, making Garrus suddenly hope for something he had no right to hope for. This was dangerous territory, he had to get out of it. He couldn't let himself be convinced into ruining the only friendship that mattered to Shepard.

"No I… She deserves better."

"That's probably the only true thing you've said," Zaeed said with an exhale. "But who can really deserve someone like her, hum? In the end, what she deserves doesn't matter. No one else can do for her what you can, because she didn't chose any of us. She chose you."

"And what would you have me do?" Garrus snapped, getting angry by how easily this human seemed to crawl into his head. "March up to her cabin and fall on my knees?"

"Don't be a bloody dolt, you don't tell a woman you love her while she's pissed at you. What are you, new at this?" Zaeed took another long drink before exhaling again. "What you do is you march your depressing ass upstairs and apologize. You tell her you're sorry and that'll it'll never happen again. You say whatever you need to and get it resolved. Get back to home base, then decide on the right time for that later. Preferably not right after you've screwed the pooch so hard it died."

Garrus hung his head into his hands. This was crazy. He shouldn't even be thinking about all of this.

"First and foremost," Zaeed continued as he stood himself up. "You need to stop pretending that you're keeping it to yourself for her sake instead of yours. Man up and admit that you're a pussy and that the only thing holding you back is you."

"Why are you doing this?" Garrus sneered. "Why are you trying to help me?"

Zaeed turned, very slowly, and scowled down at him.

"What in the great blue fuck makes you think I'm doing this for you? I would march up stairs and give Red the same speech I'm giving you, but that isn't what she wants. She doesn't want to hear it from me. She wants to hear it from you god damn it. She deserves to hear it from you."

They sat there, in gridlock, for painfully long minutes. Garrus desperately tried to process the information in his head, shuffling through his insecurities until one plain and simple fact was all that was left.

"I don't want to hurt her."

"I know," Zaeed said, forcing a breath out through his nose. "Neither did I. And wouldn't you know it? The more I tried to avoid it, the more damage I ended up doing. The list of people who have betrayed or walked out on her is so long you and I couldn't even begin to wrap our retarded man-brains around it. My name is on that list, Vakarian. See to it that yours isn't."

Garrus stayed silent as Zaeed turned and started to walk back toward the Engineering steps until a thought occurred to him.

"Zaeed," Garrus said, catching the Merc's attention and making him look back over his shoulder. He didn't say anything, just waited for Garrus to continue. "You said I'll only have one chance. What does that mean?"

"It means that if you're going to tell her, you'd better make damn well sure you've practiced your speech. If you let her make you back out, you'll never get another chance."

Garrus still didn't understand completely, but he exhaled and looked down at the beer in his hand. He knew he was running out of time to figure it out.

"Don't fuck this up, Spike," Zaeed called from over his shoulder as he made his way up the Engineering steps. "I actually find you tolerable, so I'd hate to have to hunt you down and kill you with my bare hands."

Garrus showered.

After his teeny, tiny, world shattering heart to heart with Zaeed, Garrus needed to think. He had spent so much energy trying to hide his thoughts from himself, that it was about time to come to terms with it all. He leaned his hands on the metal wall of the shower and let the hot water pour over him, down his back. He watched the water drip off him and ripple on the shower floor, like they were the puzzle pieces he was fitting together in his head.

"Damn it," he said to himself, taking a deep breath and running a hand down his face.

He had to tell her.

Not now though, right? Of course not now. Zaeed was right, he had to fix the first problem on his plate before he dealt with the second one. He didn't even know what he was going to say, or how he was going to say it, or if she even wanted to hear him say it. What if Zaeed was wrong? What if she didn't want him that way? He should have asked Zaeed directly if Shepard had told him any of this crap, or if he was just speculating through one good eye and 10 years of separation. That seemed to make a rather shaky case. If Garrus had been right all along and she did want Thane, telling her would do nothing but make a terrible situation worse. No, he wouldn't tell her now. He'd wait.

But he would tell her. He wanted to. He still hadn't even said it out loud, not really. He was tired of watching from the side lines. He was tired of watching how her shoulders and neck moved, he was tired of trying not to stare at her strong hips or the curves of her back.

He needed to get a little more proof. Garrus had never been a faith kind of guy. He needed to see it, to recognize it, to watch her react to him in certain situations before he'd believe it, like he had on Omega.

Omega…that's right.

He clumsily climbed into his clothes, completely forgetting his visor in the bathroom.

The memory of helping Samara on Omega filled his senses as he trudged back to the Battery, the Mess Hall was completely abandoned so, thankfully, no one was around to disrupt his thoughts.

He remembered slipping a hand onto the side of her throat from behind, he remembered how her body had reacted once he spoke and she recognized that it was him. He had lowered his face to the other side of her neck and he remembered the feeling of her silken skin against his rough, scarred mandibles. He remembered how her breath caught in her throat, he remembered how he could feel her heart pound under his palm.

Garrus realized he was standing at the Battery console, a thick, unconscious rumble echoing through the space as it exited his throat.

He shook his head out, trying not to let his urges get to the surface. He was going to have enough trouble sleeping tonight, he didn't need to add any…stimuli.

But the memory was there, she had wanted him. There were no bones about it. He had originally written it off as both of them being wound rather tightly, and that very well still could have been the case. But it also might not have been.

He paced the Battery with his fingers linked together on the back of his neck, looking up at the ceiling, thinking himself in circles. This was going to do nothing for him now. Now he needed to figure out how to settle things with Jane. He had something that needed handling right this minute, he had plenty of time to think on everything else.

What would thinking about it do though, really? At this point everything was so screwed that thinking about what he should say would do nothing but add more questions that needed answering. He needed to just…talk to her. In all the times Garrus had wanted to help Shepard, every time he had thought about it and tried to carefully plan something, he had ended up tripping over his own feet and face-planting into the floor. What he needed to do was just go up there and give them the opportunity to just…be them.

Her scent invaded the Battery just before he heard the elevator settling in the shaft, and he knew she was coming.

Well so much for his best laid plans.

He thought about closing the Battery door, but he was already at the end of the Battery with all the weapons crates, so he opted to just sit on them so he was out of view of the door. He heard the elevator doors open, and heard her soft padded footsteps walk around the corner.

Then he heard her stop.

He leaned to peer around the door frame and saw her standing in front of Life Support, one fist raised as if poised to knock on Thane's door. Then she sighed, lowering her fist and pacing back and forth in front of the door three times, wringing her hands together all the while. She closed her eyes tight and put a hand on her forehead, exhaled a large breath, and turned back to the door, knocking on it three times.

Garrus couldn't hear anything over the sound of his heartbeat. He stood and gripped the Battery door frame with one hand, holding onto it for support. His other hand tentatively reached out as if he was going to stop her.

Thane answered, shirtless, and motioned a hand to urge her inside. She smiled nervously, pushing her hair back behind her ear and stepping in. Then the door shut.

Garrus went from zero to furious in less time than a heartbeat. The door frame creaked as his bare talons pierced it, his teeth were grinding in his mouth so hard he could taste the sweetness of blood from his gums. Had he made a terrible mistake by not going to talk to her sooner? Had he unintentionally driven her right into his rivals arms? Stupid, turian. Stupid, proud, cowardly turian.

The last few months of Garrus' life had been, among other things, incredibly uncertain. There were only a precious few things that he was absolutely sure of; everything else was proven wrong daily. But in that moment he stood there in the Battery door, no visor, and no reason, he was only sure of one thing:

He was about to do something incredibly stupid.

PSYCH! DOUBLE CLIFF HANGER! BUAAAAAHAHAHAHAAH!

Yes I realize I'm probably going to hell for this. See you guys July 2nd! ^_^