There is something I wish to talk with you about. I cannot come to you,
please come to my office at the end of your day. I will wait. – L.M
Beth read the letter every spare moment she got that day. Inky fingerprints now framed the words and the paper was crumpled and torn in several places. She couldn't help thinking whether Lucius had found her out on purpose by Meryl's desk. He obviously still didn't want to associate himself with her too much because he had hidden the note. But somehow that didn't make her feel bad. Then she paused, her heart jolted, and she considered that this was Lucius getting ready to tell her that it had all been some huge mistake and that their kiss had meant nothing but the exhilaration of defeating a room full of dementors.
Beth's day moved slowly, the tasks seeming more boring and futile than ever. She felt as if her heart was crawling up her throat, each hour the sun got lower in the sky, her heart moved an inch upwards. During the rest of the day, Beth spilled two ink pots, sent a memo to the wrong department twice and annoyed Yaxley far too much by not listening to his instructions. She was sent to transcribe a trial, her hands shook so much as she was typing that they replaced her with one of the victims family members as a last minute resort. Fortunately, there was only a few mutterings about new employees always struggling with the presence of dementors. Dementors! That reminded her of storming into the room to protect Lucius. And his heart beat under her cheek. And the way her body curved into his as if she was a missing part of him that needed to be reunited.
Ushered out into the corridor, Beth walked so fast back up to the department of Magical Law Enforcement she fell over twice on the green tiled floor. After arriving to find Yaxley out of the office on business, a note lay on his desk saying when the courtroom no longer needed her she was free to leave, Beth pulled out the note again from her sleeve and read through the words one more time.
Ten minutes later Beth was stood, hand hesitating in front of Lucius' door, in the corridor in the department of Mysteries. She could feel his note digging into her wrist on the inside of her sleeve. She felt suddenly afraid of what he was going to say. Beth wanted him to want to see her because he liked her, she wanted him to apologise for leaving her after their encounter. But, what if he said something that would destroy her. She didn't think her heart could take being given what it wanted and then getting that thing ripped from her to leave her bleeding and in pain.
Beth knocked softly, once, twice and then a third time. There was a shuffle on the other side of the door and it opened inwards, Lucius stood in the opening. His hair hung messily around his face and he seemed unsure of whether to smile or keep a serious expression.
'I got your note' Beth whispered unintentionally.
Lucius gestured for her to come in and he shut the door quietly, sticking his head out to check the corridor before he did so. Now that Beth was in his office Lucius wasn't sure what to say, he felt like the four days since he last saw her had provided him some clarity and that now he could take hold of the situation responsibly. But there she was, standing stiffly, her hands in fists. Her hair falling out of her bun and a small ink smudge resting just above her right eyebrow.
It would be a lie to say that Lucius had not thought about their kiss so many times that he now wasn't even sure it had entirely happened. He couldn't help but contemplate all of the different ways he could have left Beth after their kiss but the abrupt way he had left plagued him constantly. He wished the plague would deafen his mother's voice in his head, scolding him over and over for even talking to a Muggle born witch.
'Yes, I thought it was necessary to talk, to approach some things that need to be…,' Lucius fought his nervousness with a shake of his head, 'err, well, approached.'
Lucius leant against the front of his large green desk and Beth mimicked him, leaving an arms width gap between them.
'You see, I never meant for what happened between us to occur.' Lucius continued, 'My parents would not deem it appropriate for me to even talk to someone like you. Let alone anything else. And besides they wish me to meet a young lady at a Ministry benefit next week and I just wanted to clarify that we were on the same piece of parchment. As a pure blood it is my duty to remain…pure.'
Beth's heart sank, her fingers gripped the green wood underneath her nails and her eyes closed defensively. She wanted to disappear. She wanted to go back to before the dementor attack. She wanted to not exist.
'Please do not be offended, I kissed you willingly' Lucius said softly hoping to soften what he had said with some honesty but the angry spark that flared in Beth's eyes said otherwise.
'Willingly? Well I didn't make your lips move! I didn't make your hands hold me! I know I am not what you want, you didn't have to tell me that! I am considered nothing because of what I am and I never expected anything from you!' Beth snapped, she stood up away from Lucius. Her eyes staring off at a point behind his head.
'Wait…please understand...' Lucius attempted to interrupt.
'No. You understand! I am not poisonous or dangerous and will not taint you with my stupid muggle blood. Do you not think I wish I was different? Do you not think I wish someone like you wouldn't care despite my blood status? Well I do care, I am just like you but without pure blood. So yeah I understand, you made a mistake. You will get to know this pure blood girl and you will probably get married under your parents' proud eyes and then end up having lots of perfect pure blood children.' Beth turned to leave. She hadn't realised she had started crying. Her breath was coming out in sharp rasps. Her hand shook uncontrollably as she opened the door.
Lucius' hand thumped the door shut before she could slip out. He grabbed her shoulders and shook her until she looked at him. His eyes were wide and genuine.
'I am trying to explain to you that my life is full of this…propriety and expectation. But just as you wish you were different, I wish I was too! I barely know you Beth, but don't you think I want to. But there's no point, you couldn't get anything out of getting to know me. You would get hidden meetings, whispered conversations and then a point in the opposite direction one day when my parents marry me off to someone who they deem worthy. I am afraid to like you, because everything tells me I can't. I have been brought up to despise people like you but I don't despise you. Far from it.' Lucius stood back, his hair fell in front of his eyes and he ashamedly looked at the floor.
'You know, I didn't even know you knew my name.' Beth said after she slowed her breathing, her heart hammered on ferociously though. She saw Lucius relax a little and he looked up.
'I didn't, I found out because I felt so bad for not asking.' He smiled shyly, his eyes lifting to meet hers for a moment. The moment temporarily mellowed. 'Yaxley thinks you're called Bertha though, I only figured out it was Beth when I saw a note on his desk asking him to sign off on this month's progress for your internship.'
'I don't care.' Beth said steadily.
'Well I wouldn't worry, he seemed not too bothered about it so presumably he gave you a positive review. Well positive for him anyway.'
'No, I meant about the other stuff. About you not being able to give me what you think I want.' Beth felt braver than ever, standing in front of Lucius was like standing on the brink of a ledge. She could so easily tumble over into the dark abyss of heartbreak and loneliness.
'Oh.' Lucius leant back against the desk again and looked thoughtful. 'It will never work out, I can't even imagine my life working out how I want in any way. There are too many people that…are expecting things of me.'
'So that's it. You like me, but I'm just a stepping stone to the big boulders of your majestic future?' Beth knew that stepping stone was generous, she was more like a tiny inconvenient pebble.
'Well, in my parents' idea of my future, yes. I'm sorrier than I ever thought I could be, Beth.' Lucius pushed back his hair, the blonde catching the light of the newly risen moon.