Cat, Rat, and Dog

By Matelia-legwll

A/N: The short snapshot from the end of the last chapter:

I curled up once more, but before I slept, I heard Pettigrew muttering that stupid little tongue twister that James had been saying in Transfiguration. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood? I smiled. I knew the answer. Perhaps, just perhaps, I might take pity on the little fellow and tell him the answer.

Nah.

What in the world is James muttering about now? Green and red? Must be dreaming of Christmas. Merlin knows he loves his spoiled little boy time.

I closed my eyes. This was bound to be an interesting fortnight, especially with the Marauders as my companions.

CHAPTER NINE: Sirius

The next day was as boring as the first. Even more so now that I knew Prongs was going after a hopeless case. We weren't going to find Evans because we were carrying her around with us constantly.

I finally convinced James to let me have the afternoon off. There was no way I was going to let some pointless searching dissuade me from visiting a friend. And trying to get aforementioned friend out of the clutches of the mistress of the Hospital Wing.

Yes, my dear friend, I was set on Remus sleeping in his own bed tonight. If only to see his reaction to the previous day's absurdities.

All right, I'll admit it. I wanted to see Wormtail squirm, too. He had completely forgotten how suspicious Moony can be. Because of Moony's own secret, other secrets don't long survive in his presence. Excluding pranking secrets, of course.

Remus insists that he doesn't want to know.

Anyway, the battle between Madam Pomfrey and myself commenced right on schedule, aided and abetted by Remus.

"Look, he's awake, he's fine. We will not stress him too much and he will get his fair share of fun."

"Mr. Lupin will not leave this room for at least one more day, I must get him back to his proper health."

"If being a werewolf is healthy," muttered Moony.

"But look at him! He's lonely; he needs us," I insisted.

"Then I'll allow extra visiting hours for you three. Mr. Lupin will stay under my care for another night."

"Do you see him laughing?" I accused.

"What?" asked Moony.

Madam Pomfrey gave me a hard stare, but that hasn't dissuaded me before, and I went on.

"Laughter is the best medicine. No offense, but I don't see many things that are funny in the Hospital Wing. Now in our dormitory we can entertain Remus and cause him to laugh and therefore get healed more quickly."

Remus grinned. "Did I just hear you say 'therefore'?"

"Purely for your benefit, mate," I insisted. "See, I come here and he grins. He leaves with me and he laughs."

Madam Pomfrey frowned.

I'm making progress.

"You make him stay when I have to leave, and what immediately happens?" I asked, then answered myself. "A long face. A face that will not laugh in a long time, and will not heal his poor condition."

Madam Pomfrey sighed.

She's giving in already? I barely got started. Wow. This is a first.

"Mr. Lupin will stay the night, and leave tomorrow morning. That is my final decision."

Ouch. It burns. I glanced over at Remus. He is fit to burst with laughter. That won't help my case very much.

"Come on, just this once, can you not pamper everyone that comes into your care?" I muttered to myself, barely audible.

I looked her in the eye, making sure my eyes were flashing mischievously as I spoke in a louder tone. "If you want more patients to baby, I could easily provide you with plenty," I threatened, an innocent smile upon my face. "Remus isn't that much of a problem, but what about that Aubrey kid that was in here the other month? I heard he kicked and screamed and set up such a fuss that he had to be put to sleep to fix his problem."

Madam Pomfrey's eyes grew wide with fear.

I grinned. I had picked the right story. Bertram Aubrey had a profound fear of anything Hospital related — needles, potions, bandages, wands, you name it. You could hear his screams thirteen corridors away, and nothing had touched him yet.

Madam Pomfrey regarded me for a moment, then gave a curt nod. "If that is what I must do to keep the students of Hogwarts safe and sound, then Mr. Lupin can leave the Hospital Wing tonight."

She swept along to her office, and Remus and I did the Marauder Handshake in celebration.

Shake. Snap, clap, wiggle, bump, knock. Snap, snap, clap, clap, slap, whip, tap, tap. Clonk, clap, clonk, clap, clonk, clap, clonk.

Moony and I reeled back, holding our heads.

Next item on the agenda: Convince Prongs to come up with a new Marauder Handshake that does not involve head-butting.

"Prongs comes up with some strange notions," said Remus, gingerly touching his forehead.

I burst out laughing.

"What?" asked Moony.

"You haven't seen the latest," I choked out, and dissolved in laughter again.

"The latest?" asked Moony, looking worried.

I shook my head, and calmed myself enough to say, "Let's get you out of here, and then you can see for yourself."

Madam Pomfrey came sweeping out of her office with the necessaries to get Remus released, gave me a glare of deepest loathing, and sniffed haughtily as we hobbled out of the Hospital Wing together, laughing once more.

Peter's List

Item one: Hide the map.

Item two: Tell Sirius.

Item three: Laugh off any weird questions.

Item four: But don't laugh when an ironic situation comes up.

A/N: And enter Moony (Evil laugh). Madam Pomfrey was a nice character, don't you think? She'll be coming back in at least one later chapter.

Well, what do you think? What's your favorite part so far? Any good dialogue or good rants? Any suggestions? I'll take them into consideration, I promise. Any questions for me?

All readers--Here is your chance. Take a look back at Peter's list. Can you think of anything to add? Tell me in a review or PM, and chances are I'll use it. My only request be that the list consist of rather obvious or pathetic notions, and that it would be absolutely hilarious to make Peter follow through on. I got up to eight on my own, and they were turning serious. (wrinkles nose) Not good in a humor fic. I've got enough for chapter ten, but keep them coming!

Fifteen reviews last chapter? WOW! I put this up at the earliest I could to still keep my word from last chapter. Thank you for your consideration of that tiny hiatus. I finished one and a half new chapters! Keep reviewing, please. I promise I'll respond to all reviews. Even to anonymous reviewers, as long as you include an email address. And please do include an email address, if you plan on being anonymous. It's just one extra line.

I know you must hear this alot, but every new review does make my day. And seriously, the more reviews I get, the sooner I start on getting the next chapter ready and out. I try to justify putting it up with getting a certain number of reviews. Also, keep in touch with a PM or email, and you may get certain treats!

Thank you for reading!