7

Friday.

I glance nervously over at Jack's closed door. It's the first time it's been closed all week so I know he's in there.

The rush of adrenaline over what happened on has dissipated somewhat and it has me questioning everything about my life and how I view it.

Last week I was oblivious to the intricacies about sex and dating. I always imagined it to be so easy: boy meets girl, or boy meets boy or whatever …they have nice vanilla sex, and have a perfectly satisfactory relationship. That was what had happened to me in my previous relationships anyway.

I knew that people were into other things, but since it didn't have any direct impact on my life it was pushed out of my mind.

When I started fantasizing about Jack, and me it was always in the context of sweet sex and romantic touches. I didn't expect to be thrown over his knee and treated that way.

Logically it was terrible behaviour on his part, yet it was the most exciting thing that's ever happened to me. I know, I need to get out more.

But that's just what I plan on doing. I want to expand my sexual experiences and I know he's the right one to bring that side out in me. He's already proven that he can and is capable.

Problem is that I don't know where he stands in all of this. I don't know what he's thinking or what he wants.

That both scares me and excites me more. I need to know more about him, what things turn him on. If he's able to open my mind to other sexual possibilities after one small spanking session, then what else could he do to me? And more importantly, what else could I do for him. I have no idea what he is into.

Mr. Jones, have you completed the Unit handover plan? JH

Yes, Tosh, has it now

Send me through the copy so I can get a heads up before the managerial meeting this afternoon

I can bring it to you

Email will be fine. JH

I send through the report. I was tempted to make a mistake so he'd have to punish me, but I don't, the report is good.

I tap my fingers on my desk as I look over at his door. This is driving me crazy. I should just walk over and knock on the door, or just enter and demand to know what is going on.

How would that look? Um, Captain Harkness, we still haven't talked about when I came all over your lap the other day. Can we have a quick conversation about that? I can remove my undies if you like.

I exhale a frustrated breath. That's hardly the behaviour that is going to get me what I want and besides, I don't really want to be the one that acts desperate and childish anymore. I've played that role in the past and I don't like what it got me.

I need to show him, show everyone, that I'm not some stupid secretary that can be toyed with and taken advantage of. I need to be clearer about what I want.

Sigh.

I have no idea about how to go about doing that. Just like I have no idea how to get Jack's attention again.

Maybe I shouldn't bother. I could chalk it up to a good experience and then get on with my life.

The door to Jack's office opens and I sit upright in my chair pretending to work.

He walks out. He's looking so good today in a dark blue suit and grey tie. His hair is shorter, he's had it cut. His dark blue eyes glance over in my direction and for a second he locks eyes with me. I hold my breath.

When he turns away I can feel my stomach clenching into knots. This is the effect he has on me.

"Did you hear?" Gwen from the next workstation pops her head over the side as he walks down the hallway to his meeting.

"Hear what?" I'm glad my voice sounds normal.

"Captain Harkness is getting married. He's been arranging the wedding all this week. I heard it's going to be a spectacle." She raises her eyebrows and looks at me with wide excited eyes.

"He's getting married? To who?" I feel like I've been sucker punched. I didn't know he was seeing anyone and I can't help the wave of disappointment that's flowing through me. Why did he do that to me when he was about to get married? It doesn't make sense.

"Her name is Rose Tyler. Her parents are from London."

"She's a Brit?"

"I think she was born here."

"Oh. How interesting." Interesting isn't the word I want to use to describe this bit of new information. How could he do this?

It changes everything.

.

.

.

.

I've come up to the roof of the Millennium Centre. It's cool up here with the strong wind whipping my hair. I have a warming coffee in my hand and take a sip as I contemplate how naive I've been. All this time I've been thinking that I haven't been sexually experienced enough, but the truth is that I'm not ready emotionally either.

Jack is a player. Someone who is prepared to cheat on his fiancé for his own amusement.

I've gone from thinking my boss is cute and sexy to someone I don't think I want to be around anymore. My whole world has been rocked in a week, and if this is what sexual awakening does to you, I don't want any part of it.

It's too hard, too confusing.

No wonder he picked me, I have few friends and I'm inexperienced. He must be laughing so hard to himself about how easy it was to get me to bend over his legs. I hope he got what he wanted because there is no way I'm willing to become is plaything any longer.

Not even the best orgasm of my life is going to make me fall prey to him again.

I think about my future and for the first time I've come to realize that being here at Torchwood isn't my future after all. I'd never thought about it before, but now, there's no way I can stay here.

That means I have to make a fast decision while I'm clear about what I want.

One: leave right now. Immediately. Just walk out the door.

Two: Go tell Jack to fuck off for how he made me feel.

Three: Shoot him or something.

It is, after all, against the rules to get involved with someone at work. I wonder how he'd explain the scenario of me ending up butt naked on his lap to someone.

I know what I'm going to do before I've finished the last sip of my coffee. I have to put in my resignation. I'm not going to storm out or make a scene - that isn't me, but I can't stay here now. I can't be in the same workplace as him after the roller coaster of emotions that I've felt over the past week. It isn't fair to anyone.

With determination I return to my desk and write out my resignation letter. I hit send to human resources…you know…Toshiko. It's done.

I hope they don't make me work out the next two weeks, I'm not sure I can deal with seeing him and knowing what I've done with him for that long. I mentally calculate how many sick days I have left and wonder if I can pretend that I'm sick enough to use them all up.

Crushed expectations count as being ill, right?

I hope I don't have to take Retcon, at least…I think they can't since I've been here so long. After Lisa I was told I could keep my memories, would he be so kind since he had just killed my fucking hope of being loved…not as big as a girlfriend surely.

Is this why he still calls me Mr Jones? I was never part of his inner circle?

I feel so…

Stupid.