Cat, Rat, and Dog

By Matelia-legwll

A/N: The very short snapshot from the end of the last chapter:

Hang on, did they leave the main door open? I'm hungry. I sneakily turned and looked toward the door, as James started to rub my back. It is open! Freedom is in sight once more! Did — did James just — did he just stroke my — my tail? Ooh, I'm going to get him for that. By streaking out the door he forgot to close all the way. Ha, ha! Ta ta for now, James!

CHAPTER THIRTEEN: Peter

Well, the cat's finally gone, I can come out from under my covers. James and Remus have gone to keep an eye on her. What was she thinking, rubbing her face on my leg?

Personally, I think Evans has gone mental, no matter how much of the mickey my friends will take out of me for acting that way. How come Sirius can't see that the sooner we get Evans back to normal, the sooner we can relax and have fun?

Although, I'm not saying that playing Quidditch isn't fun, it is. And planning that awesome prank was quite fun too. Oh, and on that note, I KNOW Knuts aren't food. I was trying to make everyone laugh like Sirius was. Not the best idea, I know.

It's just, what do they expect from me? James is the Quidditch star, the one madly obsessed with Evans, the genius that thinks up the original ideas of our pranks. Sirius is the loyal right hand man, the cool one, the genius that sees the whole picture, even of the most complicated things. Remus is the mischievous loner, the werewolf, the logical brain that refines the ideas from the other two. And me? I'm not sure exactly where I fit in.

The random one? The thick one? The comic relief? Why would they even keep me around, if that was all I provided? The one that views them as the heroes they really are? Surely Evans hasn't deflated their egos so much that they need me for that. I'm not the glue, Remus is. I just — I'm not sure where I fit into the picture.

Evans. Hmm. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

I know, I know, but I still can't get that stupid rhyme thingy out of my head. I've tried everything I could think of — getting songs from WWN stuck in my head, saying it out loud, making up a tune and singing it to the tune, and blanking out my mind. Needless to say, those didn't work so well.

Anyway, what I was going to say before that riddle intruded on my musings was that I'm wondering if I will still fit in after Hogwarts, after James gets Evans, after we all go out into the real world.

I'm really going to have to research the answer to the rhyme. Once I know the answer, I'm sure that it will go out of my head. I'll go to the library tomorrow. For now I must rave about how James and I won the match. Well, okay. How James won the match.

When the Marauders play two on two, Remus and I usually act as Keepers while Sirius and James go at it as the Chasers. If Remus isn't feeling well enough to fly, I'll Keep for Sirius, while James tries against the two of us. I must say though, the most evenly matched and exciting combination to watch is when Remus Keeps for Sirius, and James goes against them alone.

That happened when I broke my wrist in Second Year, and when I was the recipient of a well-placed Jelly-Legs Jinx and Furnunculus Curse, combined. Compliments of Snape and Evans. They were both trying to curse James at the same moment — their curses collided in midair with one of Sirius's and it ricocheted onto me. And they said I was hopeless at dueling.

Bad memories, sorry. Anyway, today James was on top form — he scored one hundred and ten points in the first half-hour. Of course, Sirius scored ninety points, and he had to keep suggesting rematches until we'd been out there for six hours. We missed lunch, but ate in the kitchens on our way back to the dormitory.

Sometimes I love being a Marauder.

Speaking of—

"Wormtail? Where did you hide — Why are you muttering to yourself under your covers?"

What? Er—My mind just went blank. Sirius! How could you! You made me forget my rules. Think, think, think. Awkward question — Item three! Right!

"Er—Hehe hehe."

Oh, wait. That wasn't an awkward question about Evans. Sneaky Gryffindor of a Black. Hang on, that curse works better for a Slytherin. What's a good oath for a Gryffindor?

I know! To find that out, I'll punch Peeves and wait to see how he curses me. Excellent idea, right?

Now all I have to do is find Peeves. I ripped off my covers and leaped off of my bed. I landed — er — badly. Now Sirius is laughing and I am on the floor holding my knee. I swear, if Sirius made me dislocate my knee, again, he is going to have a pranking war on his hands.

I slowly stood up and cautiously took a step. So far, so good. I gingerly took another step, and looked around. Still standing. Yay! I jumped up in happiness, and immediately crumpled to the ground. Ow.

I moaned. Why me? Why is it always me? Sirius, trying to stifle his laughter, offered me a hand up. I had half a mind to pull him down with me, but buried that instinct in favor of actually standing up. Right, no jumping. Great, now I'm going to have to go to the Hospital Wing with the overprotective cow to get a proper diagnosis.

Sirius, gentleman that he tries to be, managed to finally stifle his laughter and helped me hobble down to the Hospital Wing.

Madam Pomfrey immediately assumed the worst when she saw Sirius.

"Oh, you poor dear. Come, come over here. Lie down. Here. I'll get you some dreamless sleep potion to erase whatever prank this monster of a boy has done to you," she said consolingly to me as she led me to a bed and forced me to lie down.

"Hey," objected Sirius. "I didn't do anything to Wormtail, except ask him a question."

"Oh." Madam Pomfrey looked between us suspiciously. "Then why are you in here, dear?"

"My knee," I finally managed to say. "Could you look at it?"

"Oh, my. Oh, dear," she muttered to herself as she examined my knee. "You'll be in here for at least a week with an injury like that."

I glared at Sirius. "Is it dislocated? Again?"

She gave me an odd glance. "No. It's broken," she said, matter-of-factly.

I was confused. Very confused. Bewildered even. "If it's broken, how come I don't feel any pain?" Well, except for when I jumped. And when I was limping. And— Never mind. It didn't hurt that much. Not as much as a broken leg should hurt.

"No pain?" she asked, looking just as baffled as I felt. "If you don't have any pain, why are you in here?"

"What?" I said.

"Go on, go out. You're fine. Nearly perfect." Madam Pomfrey started to walk briskly away.

"Wait, is my leg broken or not?" I asked, more befuddled than before.

"It is not. Go on, out."

"But, why did you say it was broken if it's not?" asked Sirius.

"He just has a slight swelling that, if accompanied by pain, would indicate a broken bone. As it is, there is no pain and no broken bone. I have other patients I need to treat. Will you leave now?"

"Can you fix my limp before I go, then?" I asked hopefully.

"Stop limping," she shrugged.

"If I don't limp, I'll collapse again," I said, gritting my teeth.

"Oh, you'll collapse?" Immediately her eyes widened and she was at my side, hovering over me with little bottles of medicine. "You must be low on iron; I always tell the students to eat plenty of meat and nuts. Here," she thrust a spoonful of something into my mouth before I could protest.

Ugh, that stuff was gross! I absolutely can't swallow again. I swear. That stuff closed up my throat. No! No, I will not take any more medicine!

How come my voice won't come out my throat?

"Oops," muttered Madam Pomfrey, examining the bottle she was holding in her hand.

Trust me, you never, ever, ever want to hear a healer say 'oops.' It is so horrifying.

Madam Pomfrey cleared her throat, then said, "The lack of voice should clear up in about an hour or two. It's a common side effect of this particular potion."

I think I'm going loopy. Did she just say an hour or two? She suddenly grinned.

"That should pay you and your friend back for threatening to put Bertram Aubrey into the Hospital Wing, and then trying to trick me about that knee." She walked away smiling to herself, and I gave Sirius an incredulous look.

"Bertram Aubrey?" I mouthed accusingly.

Sirius suddenly looked rather shifty. "I had to think of some way to get Moony out of the Hospital Wing," he muttered.

"You couldn't think of a better way than Bertram Aubrey?" I mouthed, waving my hands in my astonishment. I think he got the gist, if he didn't get the whole thing.

"It worked," he said resentfully.

I pointed to my mouth. "No, it didn't," I mouthed exaggeratedly.

"Stop trying to talk, Wormy," said Sirius more contritely, offering a hand once more.

I sullenly allowed him to help me off of the bed and out into the castle.

We were just passing an open classroom door when I remembered what my original idea was. Before the Hospital Wing interrupted. I was going to punch Peeves and see in what ways he cursed me, a Gryffindor. Looking into the next classroom door, I beheld my target, cackling to himself as he wrote rude words on the chalk boards.

I gave an evil grin to Sirius before limping into the classroom, going up right behind Peeves, and knocking him around a bit with my fist.

Okay, okay, so I only got one hit in.

Peeves's reaction, you ask? Well, considering this whole experiment was to find out good ideas for cursing Gryffindors, it wasn't so good.

He smothered me in the white chalk dust, then danced around me chanting and eventually singing as soon as he made up a tune for it:

"The ickle whitey Petey
Lost his ickle mind.
Since punching noble Peevesy
Isn't very kind."

I glowered at everyone in sight. The dancing Peeves, the indecent chalk, the laughing Sirius, the offensive chalkboard, the innocent desks, and my chalk covered feet. I made as if to hit Peeves again, and the poltergeist zoomed out cackling to himself.

Sirius started humming the tune Peeves had made up as we started back to the Common Room. I took the liberty of slapping him upside the head. Stupid, careless mutt. He just laughed all the harder.

Sometimes I absolutely hate being a Marauder. Until I finally get my voice back, I will officially be in a bad mood.

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood? ARGH!

Peter's List

Item one: Hide the map. Check.

Item two: Tell Sirius. Check.

Item three: Laugh off any weird questions. Check.

Item four: But don't laugh when an ironic situation comes up.

Item five: Take a deep breath if the subject comes up.

Item six: Don't hyperventilate when others are discussing cats or Evans.

Item seven: Just stop reminding myself that the cat is Evans.

Item eight: Change the subject if it is hitting too close to home.

Item nine: Don't look suspicious.

Item ten: Don't tell anyone the real reason for this list.

A/N: I'm back! A little humor is good for the soul! It restores the muse. I hope you enjoyed Peter's little adventure. How did you like Peeves? (Starts humming "Ickle Petey" to herself) I also hope you didn't think Madam Pomfrey too mean. She means well, but the Marauders have a history of making up injuries to spend extra time in the Hospital Wing with Lupin. lol.

Well, what do you think? What's your favorite part so far? Any good dialogue or good rants? Any suggestions? I'll take them into consideration, I promise. Any questions for me?

All readers--Take a look back at Peter's list. Can you think of anything to add? Tell me in a review or PM, and I'll find a way to use it. My only request be that the list consist of rather obvious or pathetic notions, and that it would be absolutely hilarious to make Peter follow through on. Keep them coming! Please! The most I have right now is nineteen.

Keep reviewing, please. I promise I'll respond to all reviews. Even to anonymous reviewers, as long as you include an email address. And please do include an email address, if you plan on being anonymous. I know it sounds like an oxymoron, but it's just one extra line. And who wouldn't want to hear from this author? The Marauders and Lily and even Madam Pomfrey have been known to make appearances in the review responses. I know you must hear this a lot, but every new review does make my day. Oh, and a special treat to reviewer #100: Ask any question you want about the story and I'll answer it to the best of my ability, complete honesty and no authoress "no comment" cards. But don't even think about waiting to review so that you get the special treat. I don't want to see that happening.

Oh, and I've been updating my profile avatar image to correspond with something in each of these chapters. Check it out for some cute kitty pictures. Go ahead and visit my profile, especially if you are waiting for the next chapter.

Thank you for reading!