"You know; I think you would have been a brilliant detective in another life."
"Really?" Maura looked across the car at Jane in confusion.
"Yeah. I mean, you're a damn genius, you think of things nobody else does, you spot patterns… I think you'd have been really good."
Looking out the window at the passing trees and fields, Maura smiled to herself. "Maybe. But I don't think I could ever trust my instincts like you do."
The car fell silent as they hit the rush-our traffic going into the city. Maura closed her eyes, leaning back against her seat. Her mind was still so full of questions and thoughts that she had forced herself to ignore. The case had to be her priority. Selfishly, she concluded, Rachel and Martin's deaths gave her an excuse to not discuss her own feelings.
Jane had told her, not that long ago, that she had a tell. Changing subject, asking questions, sighing loudly were all signs that she had something important and, potentially, upsetting to say. She was aware of it now, more than ever, and Maura cursed herself for using the murder of two innocent historians to disguise the doubts and underlying feelings she was too afraid to bring up.
"Do you want to come up?"
Jane's voice brought Maura back to her senses as she realised they were parked in the underground garage of the detective's hotel.
Nodding, Maura followed her friend through the maze of cars and columns and through a side door into the lobby.
"Good choice!" Maura commented. The space was tastefully decorated to reflect its Georgian heritage, right down to the carved mahogany staircase that spiralled up to the first floor. Jane smiled sweetly.
"I thought you'd appreciate it. I didn't even know what it was; I booked it last minute over the phone."
The silence fell again as the two women climbed the stairs. Maura followed Jane's purposeful stride through carpeted corridors until they reached a door.
Following Jane's lead, Maura followed her friend into the spacious room.
"Can I get you a drink or anything? Tea? The coffee's instant up here, I'm afraid."
Maura shrugged. "Okay… Tea would be nice." Her voice, timid, matched her posture as she found a space to sit at the end of the bed. Her body and mind were weary from days of over-thinking.
"Maur?" Jane's concerned expression caused Maura to fold into herself. "What… I…" Jane visibly cursed herself, looking away from her friend. Taking a deep breath, she spoke again.
"I don't like seeing you like this. I… I know something's wrong. Please. Please just tell me what I did."
Maura sighed, letting out some of the frustration she had been holding throughout their journey. Accepting a cup of peppermint tea from Jane's scarred hands, she pulled herself off the bed, walking across the room to sit at the small table next to the window.
"Okay, if you won't talk I will. There are things that need to be said." Jane took a deep breath, watching her friend for any sign that she disagreed. Seeing nothing, she began.
"I… I travelled half way around the world for you. You were in danger and I knew, I knew there was no way I could trust anyone else to do this. I had to see you. To know you were okay."
Checking for any reaction from her friend, Jane continued, speaking gently- almost as if to a child.
"You scared me, Maura. You're scaring me now. I… I had the feeling in Paris that there was something you weren't saying. We had an amazing time, but I think we were both dreading saying goodbye again. But I hear nothing from you for two weeks, and then I arrive to this." Jane gestured to Maura, sat silently. "I… I don't understand what happened between you and Harriet. I mean, if you're happy then I don't care. But I don't understand. Do you love her?"
Maura shook her head. When she spoke, her voice cracked. "No. I told you Jane."
"Then why sleep with her?"
Making eye contact for the first time, Jane saw the exhaustion, the hurt, the pain of her friend. "Because" Maura sighed, taking a deep breath and looking out the window, "because I…" Tears began to form in her eyes. "Because I wanted to feel something."
Jane crouched down beside her, running a reassuring thumb over her hand. "Maura."
Jane's voice sent a predictable wave of feeling through Maura's otherwise numb body. Pulling her hand away, the doctor cradled it against her chest.
"I… I can't".
Standing, Maura began to walk towards the door. Jane, spotting her intentions, blocked her path, standing directly in front of her friend, her face painted with desperate concern.
"Come on. I don't want to upset you, but I'm stuck. Maura, it's obvious something is majorly wrong here but unless you let me in, I can't help. And… and I don't think you're going to help yourself if I let you leave."
Looking down, Maura let her friend guide her towards the bed.
"You can lay down. Look up at the ceiling. Talk as if I'm not here. Like that therapy nonsense you're always talking about."
Not even bothering to pull off her shoes, Maura took a moment to think before following Jane's instructions. Feeling the bed dip, she knew her friend had laid down beside her. It was a situation they had been in so many times before, but this, she knew, was different.
After a moment of silence, Jane spoke, her voice more hesitant than before.
"You said my name."
Maura gulped.
"Why did you say my name?"
Maura closed her eyes, arranging the words she needed in her mind.
"Jane, I…"
"Maur" Jane warned.
Like ripping off a band aid, Maura thought to herself.
"Because I was thinking of you."
Jane exhaled loudly, but said nothing. After a moment, Maura spoke again.
"I'd never had a best friend before. I… I didn't understand that what I was feeling- still feel- for you wasn't entirely normal." Turning slightly, Maura watched as Jane's steady breaths lifted her loose t-shirt.
"I think my feelings for you have run deeper than friendship for a long time."
There. She had said it.
"I think… no. I know I'm in love with you, Jane."
Jane said nothing.
For what felt like hours, she lay, with her eyes closed, and breathed.
"I missed you so much". Her gravel-laden voice finally explained.
Reaching across the large bed, Maura ran her hand over Jane's.
"I tried, I really tried, to fit in in DC. I went to stuff, I talked to people. But none of it felt right. And I didn't realise why until Nina called."
Taking a deep breath, Jane turned to face Maura.
"I don't know how to live without you. But I… I can't deal with all of this." Jane gesticulated as she spoke. "The things I've seen; the way you've been acting. Maura, I can't suddenly turn around and say 'yes, I'm wildly in love with you' when you're acting so selfishly. This isn't like you. And I don't like it. But, until something changes, we'll stay stuck. Because as much as I love Maura Isles, I don't know who this person beside me is."
Maura swallowed harshly. "I know… I know I've been…"
"No." Jane cut her off. "Maura, I don't think you understand exactly how much I'm hurting right now. Look, I know you're an independent woman and you can do whatever you like, but whatever has happened here is so… so out of character and so hurtful to me. You're hurting yourself, too. This… this whole issue is too much."
"Jane, what are you saying?" Maura sat up, looking over at her best friend.
Rising from the bed and turning her back to Maura, Jane ran a hand over her tense shoulders. "I'm going back to DC. I don't know what is going on with you, but staying here and trying to… get past this will kill us. Will kill me."
Maura closed her eyes as she felt the sting of tears begin to burn.
"Jane". Her voice cracked.
Jane rose from the bed, walking over to the door and opening it.
"Maybe we need some time apart. To think." Her voice wavered noticeably as she spoke.
Maura nodded, pulling her arms around herself protectively.
"Okay" she whispered, with her head down, as she walked out of Jane's room alone.
AN: I hope this satisfies people's need for them to talk it out. There is obviously more to say, but I hope you're satisfied that they're airing their feelings at last! More soon.