Cat, Rat, and Dog

By Matelia-legwll

A/N: Here we are. Finally. If you'll remember, Lily was quite confused about Sirius and James, and worried about Severus:

I sighed as James started to carry me down the stair. I wished that I could ask him a couple questions and hear his explanations. How in the world did you get a stag in the dormitories, James? Is that what brought you to joke about Azkaban? It still doesn't make any sense.

Sense.

Severus! Oh, Merlin, what am I going to tell Sev?

CHAPTER SIXTEEN: Peter

Finally, the riddle will be out of my head once and for all! No more 'how much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood'!

Well, alright. It will as soon as we find something relevant. I keep getting sidetracked. Remus got immersed in a book of plays from someone named Shakes-peer. I probably should know about him, but I'm not good at remembering names and dates of History lessons, and I'm more interested in this Muggle cookbook of all things cheese anyway. I wonder if Greta Catchlove has seen this book.

Remus glanced up at me for the first time in an hour and remarked, "I thought you were set on finding that answer?"

"I thought you were set on helping me," I retorted.

"You're not going to find it in a cookbook," he shrugged, and turned his attention back to the playwright.

"Yeah, well, I'm finished with this one anyway," I grumbled. I paused, realizing that saying that would mean backing my statement up with some movement, preferably getting up and putting the book away. I winced, but I couldn't see any way around it.

I sighed, stood up, and put the cheese cookbook away. Glancing over the shelves nearest the table Remus and I had set up at, a title caught my eye. Charlotte's Web. If that is a Muggle romance novel, it has a really cheesy title. I picked up one of the many copies of it (for some reason the Muggle books came in multiples most of the time) and Remus, looking up for the second time in so many minutes, mentioned that I'd really like Tim-pull-ton. I raised my eyebrows at him and he groaned saying that Shakes-peer's histories were boring.

I asked him why he was reading them then, and he looked a bit insulted. "William Shakespeare is one of the greatest playwrights in history," declared Remus. "His comedies and tragedies are legendary. His histories are a bit boring, but his sonnets! Oh, if you could only appreciate his poetry, Wormy."

I put the Charlotte book back on the shelf to give myself an excuse not to look at him while I rolled my eyes. Looking for a relatively large book that would prevent comments from an apparently bored Remus, and not really caring what I got, I grabbed a huge dictionary-like book from the 'P' section.

I banged it down on the table and opened it to find several sections. All the headings ended in the word 'phobia'. Muggles have fears? What sorts? I flipped through the pages, noting some rather unusual fears.

Several had something to do with bodily functions, and I wondered at those Muggles who feared something that instinctual. I flipped back through the pages before a word jumped out at me from off the page. Cat. The fear of cats. I looked up at Remus in disbelief.

"This Muggle book says I have Ailurophobia," I breathed in astonishment.

"What?" frowned Remus. "What is that anyway?"

"The fear of cats," I muttered, still trying to understand how a Wizarding fear made it into a Muggle book.

Remus burst out laughing, but quickly stifled his response before Madam Pince noticed. After he got control of himself, he quipped, "I guess you're not the only one to have a bad childhood experience with cats."

"That experience was exceptionally frightening," I protested.

"Yes, yes. And that's the reason you are an animal that cats take pleasure in chasing, right?" said Remus, grinning.

"Well," I paused, considering it. "Rats share my fear. So in a way, yes. I also adore cheese, and Sirius has pointed out that my small form and my face is conducive to being a rat."

"You are such a rat," said Remus. He turned back to his book.

I glared at Remus for a moment with no effect before realizing how I could get him back. I flipped to the index and looked and looked, finally finding what I wanted under the 'S' section.

"Well, Moony, you have Selenophobia," I announced.

"What in the world—?" said Remus, glancing up once more.

"Fear of the moon," I briskly explained.

"Wormtail!" pleaded Remus, glancing around anxiously.

I had already moved on. I was now back searching through the index, muttering to myself, "I wonder if Sirius's fear is listed here."

"The trophy room?" asked Remus skeptically, focusing back on me. I ignored him. Of course I would have to go with a more general term. Muggles don't have irrational fears about spending detention in the trophy room. Sirius would rather trade lives with one of the rest of us through badly made Polyjuice Potion than spend three hours in the trophy room with Filch. Let me see. Fear of shiny things, perhaps.

What is wrong with these Muggles? None of them are scared of shiny things?

Fear of magic wands? Hehe. Bertram Aubrey has that. Especially when Aubrey is in the Hospital wing. Rhabdophobia. What an interesting word. Bertram Aubrey. The thought of that threat that Sirius made and that took away my voice for two hours only made me want to find Sirius's fear even more.

Ooh, here's fear of metal. I found it! I grinned evilly. Remus noted my expression and asked, "Are you mad at Padfoot or something?"

I frowned. "Considering that I believe he made me dislocate my knee—"

"Again?" interrupted Remus, looking astounded.

I nodded and continued rather sarcastically, "And that he took me to the Hospital Wing and Madam Pomfrey was irritated at him, and she made me take a potion that took away my voice for only about two hours, yes, I am mad at him."

Remus winced sympathetically. He then looked curiously at the book. "Does that book have the fears of all the Marauders?"

"Selenophobia, Ailurophobia, Metallophobia, and — what was Prongs's fear again?" I asked, ticking them off on my fingers.

"Woolen sweaters?" suggested Remus.

So if you broadened that up a bit, that would be fear of... fear of... fear of string! Ha, ha! "Linonophobia," I exclaimed in triumph, locating it at last, and driving my finger at the word.

"Linonophobia," Remus chortled. "Why does that sound so similar to Lily-no-no-phobia?"

I started to laugh in spite of myself. "That does seem exceptionally suited for him."

"Linonophobia," repeated Remus, shaking his head with amusement. "I'll say one thing. Prongs doesn't seem able to say no to Lily nor her cat."

Oh, no. No. Merlin, no. Let me think. Item five or Item six? Both apply in this situation. Fine. I'll use both. Breathe deep. Not too fast. Act normal. Natural. Wait for it. Wait for it.

Hang on. Remus went back to his book. That must have been his closing thought. Biscuits. All that effort for no real reward. I pursed my mouth in thought.

Could I get away with sneaking cheese into the library? I am really craving some cheese right now.

I glanced up towards the librarian's desk. Godric! What is that crazy woman staring at me for? Its almost like she had the power to read minds. Alright, all right! I'll go back to my perusing. I reluctantly shut the book, then headed over to the shelves.

I had barely sat down again with another moderately huge volume, when Remus suddenly stood. I looked questioningly at him.

"I need to go get a bookmark," he said, memorizing the page number.

"You don't have one on you?" I asked skeptically. Remus always carried around pieces of parchment he used for bookmarks.

Remus shook his head, ignoring my disbelief as he left the library.

I looked back around the library. Merlin's beard. Will that ruddy woman stop staring over here? It's like I was doing something wrong. I looked down at my book and read the title for the first time. Little Women. I let my head fall onto the table.

Why is it so hard to do something right?

Peter's List

Item one: Hide the map. Check.

Item two: Tell Sirius. Check.

Item three: Laugh off any weird questions. Check.

Item four: But don't laugh when an ironic situation comes up.

Item five: Take a deep breath if the subject comes up. Check.

Item six: Don't hyperventilate when others are discussing cats or Evans. Check.

Item seven: Just stop reminding myself that the cat is Evans.

Item eight: Change the subject if it is hitting too close to home.

Item nine: Don't look suspicious.

Item ten: Don't tell anyone the real reason for this list.

A/N: Well, I'm sorry this didn't come out yesterday. Or the two weeks before. I know I promised regular weekly updates. I had a few good reasons though, I swear. If you want to read about my crazy life, here: The first Tuesday I missed because I was watching my nieces and nephew (ages 4, 3, and 2) for about 6 hours while my brother went to the doctor. We finally found out what had made him such an invalid for over six months: A huge stomach ulcer. Thankfully he's on full recovery and has had no pain since then. That whole next week and then some, however, I was banned from my computer so that I could clean my room. Writing and cleaning are both extremely hard to do when one is watching children that young and who like to get into trouble as much as my nieces and nephew do. My room is still a disaster area, but I've got my computer back now. Why? Well, I got my wisdom teeth taken out yesterday. My dad kept calling me a chipmunk. And of course, that set me off laughing. Chipmunk, woodchuck. They're similar enough when you're on painkillers. Anyway, I'm typing this on my bed, cause I'm still on bed rest. And I couldn't post this until tonight because my wireless went on the fritz. So, those are my excuses. Are they good enough that you'll forgive me for the immense wait?

Well, what do you think about this chapter? What's your favorite part so far? Any good dialogue or good rants? Any suggestions? I'll take them into consideration, I promise. Any questions for me?

Can you think of anything to add to Peter's list? Tell me in a review or PM, and I'll find a way to use it. My only request be that the list consist of rather obvious or pathetic notions, and that it would be absolutely hilarious to make Peter follow through on. Keep them coming! Please! The most I have right now is twenty-one. Great job, but can we make twenty-one a good twenty-five or maybe even thirty? It's only a couple more chapters until he adds what I have to his list. In fact, I'm writing that chapter right now.

I'm trusting you, my lurking reader, to step it up and send me a little note. Keep reviewing, please. I promise I'll respond to all reviews. Even to anonymous reviewers, as long as you include an email address.

Oh, and I've been updating my profile avatar image to correspond with something in each of these chapters. Go ahead and visit my profile, especially if you are waiting for the next chapter. I try to post the next picture during my editing stint.

Thank you for reading!