Cat, Rat, and Dog

By Matelia-legwll

A/N: Last chapter, Sirius had just come up with a plan:

I paused in my stride for an instant. Evans. Wasn't she trying to tell me something? Before? Oh well, I shrugged and continued on my way. I forgot. I don't even remember her clues. Must not have been too important. I wish I could say sorry somehow without James noticing. I fought a grin for a minute before I realized I was all alone and free to grin as I pleased. James and Lils. James and Lily. Bonding down in the kitchens, and James doesn't even know it.

Hang on, I know what I can do. This ought to be fun to watch.

I grinned evilly as I thought through my plan. Who said anything about me watching?

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN: Lily

Rubbish.

Nonsense.

Not on your life.

Dumbledore couldn't make me.

I'd rather date the Giant Squid.

When pigs fly without the aid of magic.

I'd rather live as a Muggle.

When hell freezes over.

I'd rather be blindfolded in You-Know-Who's presence.

All right, I'll admit the last one is going a bit too far considering I'd be dead before batting an eyelash, but can you see my point? These are all things I'd say if any one of my friends suggested spending extra time with one Mr. James Potter, getting to know him better before judging him.

Heck, I know who and what Potter is. He's an arrogant toe-rag of a bully, who struts around, thinking he's better than everyone else just because he's so good at Quidditch. He hexes people in the halls if they annoy him or his friends, and he's so conceited about it too.

But, oh Merlin, who is this James? It's like a personality overhaul. James is the boy who is sweet and kind and — Merlin, he's loyal. Ugh! Even considering how many times I've unleashed my red-headed temper on him for being thick and tactless, he will not hear one word against me.

How do I know this?

One word: Sirius.

Sirius was bound and determined to be completely and utterly obnoxious. He wasn't acting like this earlier. I wonder if he has a bet with himself on how long I will be able to resist his supposed jabs at my character. If so, he's losing. Every single time he says something outrageous and looks at me for my response, James gives him a warning look. If he says one thing more on the same subject, James will turn his back and not talk to Sirius until an apology is heard, and the subject is turned back to the prank.

The prank. I have to fight down a grin every time that I think about it. This is so unlike me. But just imagining the chaos and confusion that would bubble forth from everyone's chocolates being turned into fuzzy little creatures with minds of their own... the image is enough to set me giggling.

The two boys are currently going over the logistics of such an overhaul. I never imagined that doing a prank like that would be so difficult to pull off. The two are acting like generals orchestrating troop movements. Admittedly there are only four troops. Remus, Peter, Sirius and James. Three and a half if you count the fact that one of them will be watching me at all times. I mostly dread the decision on that issue.

Peter will most likely avoid that particular job, although Sirius and James consider him to be the biggest liability otherwise. Remus would be perfectly fine to watch me, except for the little fact that if he spends even thirty minutes alone with me as a cat, he'll see through the façade. Sirius would probably be the best, as he is aware of the whole truth anyway and he made that dumb rule in the first place, but I fear that he would ignore his own rule in the desire of being in the thick of things. On second thought, that wouldn't be so bad. I mean, it would be distracting for the other troops, but I could actually get in on some action.

Am I even Lily Evans? The way I'm talking now really doesn't sound like me at all. I mean, sure, I've tormented Petunia with little teasing pranks (you just had to be there when I did the frogspawn soap; she screamed so loud when I told her the truth); and yes, I got a letter from the Ministry warning me about doing magic outside school (but that was a complete emergency—all my friends agreed that there was nothing else to do with that hideous dress); and, fine, there was another warning for Severus and me when we first experimented with Muffliato against Tuney.

I smiled at the memory. Severus always had had a talent with combining the Latin words to make new spells, but I had been the first to suggest this particular jinx. Imagine, if you will, Petunia's reaction when she knew we're discussing important things of the Magical world (namely: the not-so-important subject of whether the Cannons would lose the league... again), and she couldn't hear anything but a buzzing in her ears no matter what direction she was listening from. She was absolutely furious.

She even attempted to climb a ladder to my second story window to try to listen in from there, but she admitted that the last thing she heard before she fell off the ladder was the interfering buzzing. I managed to save her from hurting herself, and that's actually the reason, I believe, that I was let off with a warning. Again. I felt a little guilty for laughing at my sister like I did, but she was and is the nosiest person ever.

I sighed, regarding once more the two black-haired boys sitting in my line of view who were deep in conversation about the prank.

I did not feel like myself at all as my eyes slid from Sirius to gaze at James. What is wrong with me? There was no other word for what I felt toward Potter but 'loathing' before I got changed into a cat. He was just so ruddy annoying. And the world's biggest prat. Not to mention a sworn enemy of my best friend.

I can be loyal too, you know.

I snorted softly at my defensiveness. Isn't it Hufflepuff that was supposed to value loyalty? If that's so, how come every single Gryffindor I know is loyal to their friends? And Slughorn won't stop saying I should've been sorted into Slytherin. I rolled my eyes, before realizing something. Slughorn was supposed to have another one of his dull parties on the Tuesday after Easter. Ha! I don't have to go when I'm a cat! The only thing that could spoil my glee was if Petunia took it upon herself to be interfering.

Oh, Godric. I just thought of something. Severus. Why in the world is he the last person on my mind right now? He's my best friend. My best friend who I now have to keep a huge secret from for his own good.

Oh.

Sev. I really need to come up with a cover story. Especially if he owls Petunia. He would owl her first, and she would see no reason to keep my absence from him. Tuney wouldn't mention it to our parents hopefully, although I never did get around to deciding whether or not I was coming home for the holiday. It turned out to be a moot point.

Sirius would never be able to come up with a proper cover story. I really dread what he will say to get Potter off his back when it comes time to change me back. Besides, he doesn't know me. The true reasoning behind my actions should come from me.

Okay. First off, the cat issue. I've always wanted a cat. Numerous people knew that. But why buy one now? Late birthday present to myself? Really late, I modified, two and a half months late. I tried to convince myself, but it failed to ring of truth. Er, for Passover? I had to laugh at myself. I'm a long stretch from being a Jew. Why was that even in my head? Anyway, er... great, now I'm drawing a blank. To get over the blank, I said the first words that I could force out of my mind.

Fine, I saw the most perfect cat in Hogsmeade and I just absolutely had to have her!

Wow.

That one is actually good.

Now for my reasoning for leaving the cat behind with James.

Er, well, um... Hmph. Well, maybe it depends on what I did over the break. Er, what did I do over the holidays?

I thought for a moment. Skiing! Ha! Bet none of these wizards have ever skied before. Perfect! Who wants to take a cat skiing? Especially a little kitten like I am. It sounds so odd to call myself a kitten. Sirius or James has before, though, so I'm sure I'm tiny enough to be one.

Hold it, hang on, it hasn't snowed in ages. So not unless I went to the Alps or something... I wouldn't have been able to go to the Alps without parental approval and I'd never convince Mum and Dad to lie for me, especially to my best friend. It would be a lot easier for this alibi thing if Severus wasn't on speaking terms with my parents.

What is my alibi? Well, could I get anyone besides Sirius and Peter to confirm it? Let me see, Ruby, Beth, Emmeline, and Severus all stayed here for the holidays. Alice is the only one who left and she's with Frank. What were they doing again? It was something outrageous. Oh, yeah. Frank's family had a reunion and they were planning on doing it in France.

Again, way too overboard for me to be doing it without permission. Overboard. Hang on, didn't Justin say something about trying out his new boat this holiday? Justin would back me up, and Severus and James wouldn't be able to say a word.

So, I caved into Justin's persuasive wiles and went sailing. It helps to have a friend in Ravenclaw. And again, who wants a cat getting in the way and falling overboard on a boat?

Perhaps I should think about Justin for a while. It would get my mind off of James, at least. Justin is about three months older than me, in Ravenclaw as I said, and views himself as sort of Jam — Sev's rival. He plays Chaser on the Ravenclaw Quidditch team. He lives closer to me and Severus than any other wizards our age. He is a half-blood, I think. His mum and dad are both wizards, but I believe his mum is Muggle-born. Not that it should matter.

Although it helps explain, a little, how I always thought he and his home-schooling parents viewed themselves arrogantly over the rest of us. After I found out I was a witch, and after it was confirmed by Dumbledore himself paying a visit to my parents, he eventually worked up the courage to approach me at school. I found out a lot about him, and we eventually became friends.

I smiled softly as I recalled Severus's face when I started bringing Justin with me to things, just as friends. Potter's too was amazed, and I think there was a hint of jealousy, although there has never been anything between Justin and I besides friendship.

I mentally groaned and buried my head in my paws. Why does James Potter keep inserting himself into my thoughts? Probably because I was staring at him the whole ruddy time. Sirius burst out laughing at something. I looked up again in confusion, only to see James proudly ruffling his hair. I must have missed something. James Potter's habits have no cause for Sirius to be laughing that loud.

"And then, the git blustered that Ravenclaw would win the Quidditch cup, can you believe it, Padfoot?" continued James. "There is absolutely no chance for them."

"So what did you do to him to prove him wrong?" asked Sirius, the confidence on his face sickening me.

"Hexed him, of course. That's what that spare detention last week was for," acknowledged Potter, starting to grin at the disbelief on Sirius's face. "Filch caught me again."

Oh, goody. Potter's back. Nice to know it was only a temporary leave of his senses and not the complete insanity of my own. I tried to stop listening at this point, for if I was truly myself and not a cat, this is when I would've began telling him off. However, the next thing Sirius said sparked my curiosity.

"You've got to be joking, Prongs!" burst out Sirius. "You can't be holding the record without me. You promised."

"Yes, well, I didn't mean to get caught," retorted Potter, his grin vanishing. "We'll think of something to get you even with me. Would you like credit for Easter, Padfoot? Or do you just want to go hex someone?"

Sirius pouted. "You've been holding the record for a week without me. You wouldn't even tell me until now."

What ruddy record is he on about? And why is Jam—Potter trying to help Sirius hold this record?

"Padfoot, please be sensible. Not all of us only get detentions when we want them. I do get caught sometimes when I think I'm safe."

He can say that again. He thinks he is safe way too much, in my opinion.

"Especially after Evans has dipped her toes in the pool of authority, right?" asked Sirius sarcastically.

James's mouth went thin. I rolled my eyes at the jab obviously meant for me rather than James, then tilted my head as I noticed a certain resemblance between James's mouth and McGonagall's when she's upset. I wondered for a moment whether that was who he picked up the habit from.

"Padfoot, what is your problem today?" said James, his eyes narrowing in suspicion. "You've been having a go at Lily Evans every five minutes or so."

"Nothing, Prongs," Sirius grinned suddenly. "I can't believe he thought he had the right to taunt you about Quidditch after putting you under Tarantallegra."

"The nerve!" agreed James, grinning in response and effectively distracted. "Just because my feet are dancing around, doesn't mean I'm not still the best dueler in school."

Hang on, what? James was actually hexed first? Since when does that happen? I got to my feet as the curiosity started to burn through and twist my initial resolve not to listen.

The saying, Curiosity killed the cat happened to float annoyingly through my mind at this point.

"Anyway, I'd rather get caught hexing someone, since you got caught hexing someone," decided Sirius.

"You and your detention record," murmured James, shaking his head in amazement at his friend.

"You promised, Prongs," repeated Sirius sulkily.

"We were firsties! I didn't know what my luck was up against," retorted James.

Are they ever going to explain themselves? I frowned. Do I even want an explanation?

"Your luck," repeated Sirius disparagingly, "is what persuaded you to promise that in the first place."

"That wasn't my luck, Padfoot," corrected James. "That was my knack for attracting trouble. My luck is what gets me caught every time."

I snorted loudly at the distinction and immediately wished I hadn't. James turned to examine me, his eyes widening in concern.

"We probably shouldn't make Lils stay down here with us. She's just so small. That's the second time she's sneezed, and I won't have Evans blaming us for her cat catching cold," declared James.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "She's perfectly fine," he pointed out, and I nodded my head vigorously in agreement with Sirius. "You're just overreacting."

"Still, we were just chatting. We're done with the planning," said James, pursing his lips in thought. "Just let's carry on back in the Common Room, by the fire. I can finish telling you the rest on the way there."

"There's more?" said Sirius incredulously.

James nodded, then strolled over to scoop me up in his arms, adding, "I forgot to tell you what I did to Filch's office. He was furious, but he couldn't prove it was me."

"What did you do?" asked Sirius. I could only think of so many things one could do in Filch's office to make him furious. It was very tiny. Barely had enough room for him and his cat.

"Oh, I only filled one of his drawers with Dungbombs and set off the Filibusters in his drawer of confiscated stuff," James shrugged as he carried me out of the kitchens. "Not much, really."

Not much. Not much? Alright, apparently I haven't been introduced to the worst the Marauders can do in a limited amount of space. And with a limited amount of time. It wasn't like Filch to leave a "convicted criminal" in his office unsupervised. I half-heartedly wondered what James had done to get Filch out of his office for any duration of time.

"I suppose. Considering the trouble you could have created in there," admitted Sirius eventually as we went up a staircase, confirming my earlier fears about the worst they could do, "I suppose you are quite lucky that he let you off with just one detention."

"Blessed, not lucky," corrected James.

It was silent for a while now, the two boys walking with slight grins on their face. I evaluated my positioning. How in Merlin's name did I always find myself snuggling into James's arms whenever we walked anywhere? Ugh! I can walk all by myself. I've lived in this castle for five years and I know my way around. I immediately sprang out of his clutch upon this realization. No touching today, Potter. I want my distance, and you had better get used to it.

No sly pouting either! I noticed that expression. It ruins the whole distancing thing. It makes me feel like you need comforting when you most certainly do not.

Yes! Ignore me completely. Go back to filling Sirius in on details of your detentions. Oof! Not another trick step. Where are we, anyway? Hang on. Come back here, Potter! I didn't mean ignore me that completely! Sure, just leave the kitten stuck in the stairs. Laugh your head off at some inconsequential reaction of Filch's, why don't you?

Oh ho, so now you notice. Do you realize just how uncomfortable this is? Crap. He's petting and holding me. Again. Murmuring things like, "Don't worry, Lils," and "No nasty trick steps will trap you now." Well, maybe I can allow it, but just until we get to the seventh floor. As soon as the Fat Lady opens her portrait, I'm out of his arms. For good. Today, I just need distance. And a nap. Perhaps I should settle down for a nap. Especially if we are by that warm fire. Yeah, that would be excellent.

Peter's List

Check. Item one: Hide the map.

Check. Item two: Tell Sirius.

Check. Item three: Laugh off any weird questions.

Item four: But don't laugh when an ironic situation comes up.

Check. Item five: Take a deep breath if the subject comes up.

Check. Item six: Don't hyperventilate when others are discussing cats or Evans.

Item seven: Just stop reminding myself that the cat is Evans.

Item eight: Change the subject if it is hitting too close to home.

Item nine: Don't look suspicious.

Item ten: Don't tell anyone the real reason for this list.

A/N: I've had a birthday, shout hooray! Who wants to sing to me today? One year older and wiser too! Happy birthday to me! In honor of my recent birthday, here's a long chapter full of Lily, James, and Sirius.

Well, what do you think about this chapter? What's your favorite part so far? Any good dialogue or good rants? Any suggestions? I'll take them into consideration, I promise. Any questions for me?

Can you think of anything to add to Peter's list? Tell me in a review or PM, and I'll find a way to use it. My only request be that the list consist of rather obvious or pathetic notions, and that it would be absolutely hilarious to make Peter follow through on. Keep them coming! Please! The most I have right now is twenty-one. Great job, but can we make twenty-one a good twenty-five or maybe even thirty? It's only next chapter until he adds most of what I have to his list.

I'm trusting you, my lurking reader, to step it up and send me a little note. I'm trusting all my stalwarts to keep up the excellent reviews. Keep reviewing, please. I promise I'll respond to all reviews. Even to anonymous reviewers, as long as you include an email address. Come on lurking people, at least a review as a birthday present?

Oh, and I've been updating my profile avatar image to correspond with something in each of these chapters. Go ahead and visit my profile, especially if you are waiting for the next chapter. I try to post the next picture during my editing stint.

Thank you for reading!