Cat, Rat, and Dog

By Matelia-legwll

A/N: At the end of the previous day, Lily was feeling irritable and sarcastic:

Yes! Ignore me completely. Go back to filling Sirius in on details of your detentions. Oof! Not another trick step. Where are we, anyway? Hang on. Come back here, Potter! I didn't mean ignore me that completely! Sure, just leave the kitten stuck in the stairs. Laugh your head off at some inconsequential reaction of Filch's, why don't you?

Oh ho, so now you notice. Do you realize just how uncomfortable this is? Crap. He's petting and holding me. Again. Murmuring things like, "Don't worry, Lils," and "No nasty trick steps will trap you now." Well, maybe I can allow it, but just until we get to the seventh floor. As soon as the Fat Lady opens her portrait, I'm out of his arms. For good. Today, I just need distance. And a nap. Perhaps I should settle down for a nap. Especially if we are by that warm fire. Yeah, that would be excellent.

CHAPTER NINETEEN: Peter

The excitement is getting to me. Today in just a couple hours is when we pull the prank! Galloping graphorn! Talk about Easter Sunday. Last night, we sent out a little flyer to all the Slytherins from Slughorn or something telling them that if they brought their chocolate Easter eggs and ate them for dessert this afternoon all together, it would show their house pride. You'd think they'd recognize Remus's and my handwriting by now. Stupid Slytherins.

Those flyers are what Remus and I worked on after we took our food break yesterday. I am so glad we found out where the kitchens were in our first year. I get cravings and, well, generally hungry at odd times. I wonder if the house elves have any more of that delicious mozzarella combination they served me yesterday. Mmhmm, that was good.

Easter bunnies! Wicked!

See what I mean? I can't stop from randomly bursting out with the words and bouncing up and down in my excitement. That's why James and Sirius locked me in the dormitories early this morning: I am way too excited for the noon feast. Much more than it calls for, normally.

And so I've taken out my list to once more add some more items. I left off with item ten. Alright.

I paused, my quill hovering in the air above the parchment. Er, how should I continue? What should I put down? Oh, okay, I know! Let's start off with hard and get easier. My quill scratched dramatically as the ink of my first item of the day soaked into the parchment.

Item eleven: Don't show my fear of the cat.

That's a toughie right there. I have Ailurophobia, for goodness sake. Looking over the list, I noticed that I have way too many don'ts. What is a 'do' that I could put down?

Do...

Do...

Oh! I quickly refilled my quill and wrote.

Item twelve: Do be very, very careful around Moony.

Remus could very well ruin everything. Who else has that power? I nearly dropped the quill. Oh crumpets! Thank goodness we don't have a very persistent and close relationship with the Headmaster. I rushed to write down my next rule.

Item thirteen: Do not talk or have any conversation with Dumbledore.

I rubbed absentmindedly at the ink spots that now stained my hands as I reread that rule. It was missing something. Oh, right!

Item fourteen: In fact, avoid Dumbledore completely.

I shuddered as I remembered how many times Dumbledore had turned his penetrating gaze on one of us and we crumpled under it. Maybe I should put down a couple of rules to help me do the other rules.

Item fifteen: Never look at Evans directly in case her glare makes you feel guilty.

I reread that rule, thinking.

My jaw dropped open. Oh my word! I could ruin everything with a slip of my tongue. My quill scrawled across the paper as I rushed to write down my realization.

Item sixteen: Make sure not to call Evans "Evans" around anyone who is not Evans.

I still need another rule that helps me keep the rules. Hmm. I pursed my lips. I could always go for the obvious.

Item seventeen: Don't let James figure out that the cat is Lily.

Lily, right. I should not use that name around the cat either. Er...

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

Boiling Bludgers. I was doing so well with concentration, and then that has to go and intrude. I haven't yet found the answer yet, by the way. I'm starting to bounce again in my excitement. Might as well give up. I wish I had some chocolate though. Chocolate actually calms me down. It's odd, I mused as I twirled my quill. Give Sirius or James chocolate, especially Sirius, and they go through the roof with hyperactivity. With me, on the other hand, I actually calm down and relax. Remus can go both ways depending on where the moon is at the moment. Quaffles and Snitches! We are going to turn all the Slytherins' chocolate eggs into bunny rabbits today! Nyah-nyah-na-na-nyah. Hehe. Ha ha. Hehe.

Ah well, seventeen is a good number to leave off on. I've lost my train of thought any—What? What's this? Eighteen? When did I write this? It wasn't there a moment ago. I read it aloud in my shock.

"Item eighteen: Steal Remus's chocolate."

Oh, oops. It must have been when I was fantasizing about chocolate. I started to try and scrub off the ink with a nearby rag. I don't honestly have to have this on the...

I dropped the rag in shock. Who put a charm on this? I quickly grabbed my wand, and directed it at the parchment. Tergeo! I-I-I c-can't erase the r-ruddy item. I was even stammering in my head, I was so shocked. Tergeo! Tergeo! Come on, ink. Siphon off. Please! Tergeo! Come on, please? Tergeo! Pretty please with a Chocolate Frog on top? Tergeo!

I felt the fury building as I continued my internal monologue with the parchment. Do I need to bring out the revealer? Tergeo! Don't make me get angry. It's not very pretty when I'm angry. Tergeo! Fine, I'll give you three minutes to decide to cooperate with me.

I sat there, pouting, for about thirty seconds. Ah, who am I kidding? Like I can wait three minutes. I raised my wand again. Tergeo! Maybe the parchment is mad at me for my outburst? Alright, so I'm sorry. Tergeo! Please, parchment, I really don't want to put forth the effort to rewrite the whole list. I grimaced as I imagined everything I'd have to do. I'd have to find another roll of parchment, get out some more ink, sharpen my quill—all way too much effort for some stupid list. My eyes widened as I registered the insult. Not that I'm saying you're stupid. Just a little on the thick side. Get it? I snorted. Thick. Not hearing any answering laughter from the stationary parchment, I added, Ri-i-ight. Not funny in the least. You're right. A hopeful feeling bubbled up inside me. Perhaps I was forgiven? Tergeo?

I saw a glimpse of myself reflected in the glass of the window. Fudge. Look at me. Talking to a silly piece of parchment. All over a stupid item that won't erase. Speaking of that, tergeo! Maybe James was right. Maybe I am off my rocker.

Well, at least that would explain the woodchuck thing. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

I sighed, calming down slightly. But then a grin broke across my face. Easter Bunnies! Flaming Gargoyles, that will be cool!

I reread my whole entire list, and reaching the last item, I thought, well, I don't absolutely have to follow every single rule that I wrote down, now do I? I smiled patronizingly around at the empty beds in the room.

I felt my body start to move of its own volition. Hang on, why am I standing up? Sit down! Pick up the parchment again! Where am I going? I looked anxiously around for any clues, any hints as to who or what was doing this to me.

Oh no.

No!

No, no, NO! I will not! You — evil parchment — you cannot make me! I shan't. I shan't, and you can't make me. I will just fold my arms. You might be able to make me stand by Remus's bed, but you can't make me reach out and steal his chocolate.

No matter how good it would taste inside my mouth. I closed my eyes, visualizing the chocolate melting over my tongue. Mhmm. Maybe just a little candy. Remus won't notice. No! No, no, no. He will notice. He will go berserk. Remus will notice. Remus will notice. I repeated it over and over in my head to try to prevent any involuntary movements.

Unfortunately, it couldn't stop my arms from loosening and my hands from reaching.

To my dismay, I found my hand had closed on a bar of Honeydukes chocolate. I couldn't very well refuse what was already in my hands. I didn't have the self control necessary.

I took a bite.

While the chocolate was still in my mouth, the door swung open with a bang, and Sirius strode in.

"Time's up, mate! We can all go down to the Great Hall now. Only a matter of minutes, Wormtail."

He paused, staring at my abandoned bed.

"Wormy?" he said in confusion. "Wormtail? Where are you, mate?" Sirius started to swivel on the spot looking for me.

Quickly swallowing and hiding the wrapper behind my back, I managed to say, "Bully. No more waiting. Wicked."

Sirius turned towards my voice. "Why are you over at Moony's bed?"

"Er..." I hesitated, not wanting to reveal my intrusion into Remus's stash of chocolate.

"Is the Map over there?" His eyes lit up weirdly as he asked, and he took a few steps closer to me. I twitched involuntarily at the mention of the map, though I was sure my wariness of his sanity conveyed itself to my expression as I slowly shook my head from side to side.

His eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Then why are you over there?"

I was wondering the same thing. "I — well — I didn't mean to — the parchment — not cooperating — it made me... Never mind," I stammered, unable to present a plausible reason for my insane excursion.

Sirius regarded me with curious eyes, then he must have decided to humor me, for he shrugged and said casually, "Come on down to the Great Hall, mate. The Slytherins have all sat down, comparing the sizes of their chocolate eggs."

He continued to stand there, waiting for something. I stood still, wondering what he was waiting for.

"Wormy? Are you there?" he finally burst out. "Come on, let's go! Prongs will get beyond impatient in about two more minutes, and if we're not down there by then, he'll start without us."

"Oh! Right!" I exclaimed.

But still I did not move.

"Wormtail," whined Sirius. "What're you waiting for?"

"I dunno," I said, wondering how in the world I was going to get rid of the evidence currently behind my back with him standing right there.

"Well, then let's go!" blurted Sirius, showing his own impatience.

"Just give me a minute," I said slowly. I really was bad at winging an excuse.

"C'mon, Wormy!" moaned Sirius.

"Go on without me. I'll catch up." The words were correct, but my tone sounded all wrong. Dead, somehow. Was I really that bad at lying?

Sirius looked surprised, and somewhat offended. "You are acting really strange, Wormy," he started.

"Padfoot," I reprimanded, my tone alive again. "Trust me."

He looked on the border of protesting again, so I added, "I just need a minute alone to clear my head for the prank. I've been worrying about the cat."

Sirius's mouth twitched, like he was hiding a grin. "Alright, but no more than thirty seconds. That gives us a minute to get to the Great Hall before Prongs goes crazy. We'll have to run."

"Great." My voice had gone back to the dead tone, and I grinned to make it go away.

Sirius grinned in response, tapped his wrist, and disappeared out the door.

Thirty seconds. I stood in place for five seconds before remembering that Sirius was dead literal about things like that. I hurried to stuff the rest of the chocolate back into Remus's secret stash. I dashed over to my bed and glared at my parchment for ten seconds before managing to get hold of myself and stuff the parchment out of sight inside one of my texts on the desk next to my bed. I heard the door creak and spun around.

Sirius was leaning in the doorway, observing my state of barely controlled panic. "Five... four..." he started counting down, as my chest heaved with the burst of exertion in the last twenty-five seconds. "Three... two... one." He straightened, and with a meaningful glance at me, he turned and loped down the stairs, calling over his shoulder, "Betcha I can beat you to the Great Hall!"

"No fair!" I cried in surprise. "You got a head start!"

I started running after Sirius, only to hear him shout, "I gave you fair warning! Now let's get there before Prongs goes off!"

I shook my head, not sure if I could make it all the way into the Great Hall, if I was really running after Sirius. Merlin, that boy could run fast. I picked up speed going down a staircase, two stairs at a time. I lowered my head and barreled on, wheezing harder than Filch.

Peter's List

Check. Item one: Hide the map.

Check. Item two: Tell Sirius.

Check. Item three: Laugh off any weird questions.

Item four: But don't laugh when an ironic situation comes up.

Check. Item five: Take a deep breath if the subject comes up.

Check. Item six: Don't hyperventilate when others are discussing cats or Evans.

Item seven: Just stop reminding myself that the cat is Evans.

Item eight: Change the subject if it is hitting too close to home.

Item nine: Don't look suspicious.

Item ten: Don't tell anyone the real reason for this list.

Item eleven: Don't show fear of the cat.

Item twelve: Do be very, very careful around Moony.

Item thirteen: Don't talk or have any conversation with Dumbledore.

Item fourteen: In fact, avoid Dumbledore completely.

Item fifteen: Never look at Evans directly in case her glare makes you feel guilty.

Item sixteen: Make sure not to call Evans "Evans" around anyone who is not Evans.

Item seventeen: Don't let James figure out the cat is Lily.

Check. Item eighteen: Steal Remus's chocolate.

A/N: Sorry this is so late. I was having a little trouble with this chapter and the next, just because so much happens in the next chapter. And then vampires took over my mind for a little while as Breaking Dawn consumed me. So, I am sorry about the wait. Extremely sorry. I won't do it again. I hope.

Well, what do you think about this chapter? What's your favorite part so far? Any good dialogue or good rants? Any suggestions? I'll take them into consideration, I promise. Any questions for me?

Extreme thanks to: shetlandlace, Kylani, secrets of the roman empire, Black, Shiny Pearl, Kylani, Second Daughter of Eve, and 14hp1 for contributing items eleven to eighteen in Peter's list.

Can you think of anything else to add to Peter's list? Tell me in a review or PM, and I'll find a way to use it. My only request be that the list consist of rather obvious or pathetic notions, and that it would be absolutely hilarious to make Peter follow through on. Keep them coming! Please! The most I have right now is twenty-two. Great job, but can we make twenty-two a good twenty-five or maybe even thirty?

Six reviewers on the last chapter? Honestly, folks. It was my birthday, and wasn't encouraging as I traversed that writers block. There is a direct correllation between reviews and ideas. I'm slightly disappointed in one hundred and eighty four of you readers that didn't review, and proud of the six that did. Yes, I am informed on exactly how many times people viewed each of the chapters. And I know for a fact that forty one of you should have received the notice in your email that I updated. I'm trusting you, my lurking reader, to step it up and send me a little note. I'm trusting all my stalwarts to keep up the excellent reviews. Keep reviewing, please. I promise I'll respond to all reviews. Even to anonymous reviewers, as long as you include an email address. Don't make me set a review limit for putting up the next chapter. Just review!

Oh, and I've been updating my profile avatar image to correspond with something in each of these chapters. Go ahead and visit my profile, especially if you are waiting for the next chapter. I try to post the next picture during my editing stint.

Thank you for reading!