Cat, Rat, and Dog
By Matelia-legwll
A/N: Last time, Lily decided what she would do after causing a fiasco with the socks:
Remus's shoulders started to shake. "Well, that's never going to happen then," he said eventually.
Sirius objected to that comment, but my eyes were drawn to a little bottle of burnt amber ink that Peter had uncovered from the piles of socks. At least, I think that's what he proclaimed the color to be. It just looks orange to me. But with what I need it for, any color will work.
I know what I'm going to do today.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR: Peter and Sirius
PPPPPPPPPPPPPP
Well we are finally done with gathering all the socks, and giving them back to their owners. Thank Merlin the house-elves hadn't started washing the laundry yet for the day. We were able to take most of the socks to the kitchens and get the house-elves to put them in the laundry. And then lunch was very helpful as we were able to pass back the majority of socks to the people in other houses then. Sirius and James met up with Remus and I on the third floor and we started up the staircase as Remus began telling James about what some of the students had been saying about a girl who somehow avoided the catastrophe caused by James's spell.
"... And then, she announced, as everyone is falling over and having their socks and shoes ripped off, 'Either someone was in desperate need of socks, or everyone in Hogwarts has suddenly developed the same podihygenics as Snape.'"
"Can we change the subject, please?" asked Sirius.
James just chuckled. Is something about that funny to him? Ah, he must be laughing at the cheek towards Snape. I think that was supposed to be a cheek anyway. Wait that reminds me, Snape... I can't let him corner me at all to talk about the cat. I've got to put that on my list. Good thing I also have some spare parchment in my pocket that I can jot that down on. I can add it to my list when I get back up to the dormitory.
I don't remember what number I'm on so I'll just write Don't let Snape corner me. There. That should be a good enough reminder so I can write the whole thing down later.
"Well, all the socks are given back, finally. Let's go back to the Common Room. We could all do the essay for Flitwick," suggested Remus.
Sirius checked his watch. "Nope. Not me. I'll find somewhere else to be." Somewhere else? Why?
"Where are you going to be?" I asked.
"Oh, Wormtail..." What was that supposed to mean? All he said was 'oh,' and then my nickname. I must be missing something. That doesn't even make sense.
"Hey, Prongs? May I borrow your mirror for a night?" asked Sirius.
James objected, of course. "What do you need with mine? You've already got one."
Yeah, Sirius, why in the world do you need two mirrors? You can't really talk to yourself on them, can you? But that would be interesting if it really could work. I've always wanted to Floo myself too, just to see what I look like when I Floo someone else. My neck isn't that long and so I might actually look like my head is further back in the flames. It would be a good thing to know. Especially for job interviews. I probably ought to take those in person, if that is how I look when I Floo.
Sirius cleared his throat and drew my attention. "Yes, but I'd like to use it to talk with a certain someone of my own choosing tonight."
Please tell me that he is not planning on chatting up a random girl with James's mirror. What would James say?
James tilted his head a little. "When you say 'certain someone' you don't mean the certain someone I'm thinking of, do you?"
Who in the world is James thinking of? As I looked at him, I tried to make a list in my head of people James might code name as a 'certain someone.' Let's just say that I didn't get very far. And certainly not as far as the other list with the cat. That one was proving much more effective than my lists usually are.
"What the newt? No! Absolutely not, Prongs! Do you think I actually want to talk—ugh!" objected Sirius, quite loudly.
James chuckled, then asked with a smirk, "Then who?" I raised my eyebrows in agreement with James.
Sirius cleared his throat again. "I thought it might help Wormtail with the game plan."
Wormtail? Game plan? What is he on about? I never agreed to anything. Especially not something called a 'game plan.' I wrinkled my nose. Is this some sort of plot of Sirius's to try to weasel out the location of the map? I thought that was hidden well enough. Sirius hasn't found it yet, I'm sure. And that is probably gnawing at him. Hm, it would be quite a perturbing, disconcerting, and unsettling mystery if I didn't already know the answer to it. What is this 'game plan' really?
"Oh. Right. Good idea!" James had said, nodding and digging his mirror out of his pocket. James must not be on the same track as Sirius. But in any case, why would I need James's mirror? He held it out to me saying, "Wormy, be extra careful with this. It is an heirloom."
This has got to stop here. "Hang on... Game plan? What game plan?" I looked anxiously from Sirius to James.
James, please object again, I don't want to do this. At the very least, give me some information to work with.
"The one you volunteered for, Wormtail," grinned James.
Volunteered? But I never— James? James thinks I volunteered? What—How would James—If it's Sirius's idea... Hang on, are they talking about this morning? I still didn't volunteer. James turned his version of Sirius's puppy dog eyes on me. There was no way that I could refuse.
I slowly took the mirror, quickly trying to think of a retort. "Not volunteered!" I burst out. "I was coerced into doing it!" Or well, pressured, but that's the same thing.
Remus sighed. What was his problem? "Please don't use big words when you can't use them properly."
The word? Which word? Coerced? It wasn't that big. And besides, I know how to use it. I used it just like— My mental protest burst into words. "But that's how I heard—" Did Sirius just twitch?
The movement distracted me. I could swear on it, his eye just twitched, and his shoulder moved just slightly enough to be an actual twitch. And did his chin jut out a little? I stared at him for a moment, not finishing my sentence. Hang on. I was saying something wasn't I? I had a point. What was it?
How long has Sirius had a twitch? No. Focus. Concentrate, Peter. James is chuckling again. What's so funny? The twitch? No. Focus on something other than Sirius. Something that has nothing to do with Sirius or the map or his odd twitches.
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? I groaned. I thought that question had made it out of my head for good.
All right, something different than wood. Food is spelled a letter different. I should think about food. And supper. When was supper? I tried to remember supper. Did I actually miss supper? But I can't miss supper! That would ruin my whole evening! A healthy person must always eat six square meals a day. That's why I always make sure I have second helpings at each mealtime and plenty of snacks in between. But I can't remember eating supper today.
"Did I miss supper?" I burst out. I just had to be sure. Surely my friends were hungry too. Remus was sort of with me the whole time, and he didn't go and get any supper.
My question was greeted by laughter. "What?" I asked. What did I miss? What was so funny?
If they are just going to laugh at me, I might as well just go down to the kitchens and get something for myself. Then I'll bring it back and eat it in front of their laughing faces. Something that smells really good. Maybe some stinky cheese or some chocolate. I grinned evilly at the thought. That was certainly a good, more than average, marvelous, ingenious, and extremely workable thought. I turned halfway to proceed to do that very idea, when Remus caught hold of my shoulder and stopped me.
"Don't you want to know why you didn't have supper yet?" he asked.
Well, yes, I was curious. And the supper thing was extremely confusing. Did he just say that I didn't have supper? But I can still remember the last time I admitted curiosity. Sirius and James made the aftermath of that little slip even worse than the woodchuck thing. I settled for a curt nod.
"It's only two o-clock in the afternoon," Remus informed me.
Really? How odd. I could have sworn it was later. I sheepishly smiled at the other Marauders, as Sirius and James started to laugh again. Remus is really smart. How did he not make it into Ravenclaw? He can figure anything out. Anything. Even that the cat is Evans; he could figure that out.
My mental processes went into a state of shock. How can I stop him so he doesn't figure it out? I got out my little scrap of parchment and jotted down: Interrupt Remus's thought processes as often as possible.
"What have you got there Wormtail?" asked Sirius suddenly asked, making me jump and hide the parchment behind my back.
Immediately reaching behind me, Sirius snatched the parchment from my hand. He started doing his little happy dance. What the newt? It's only a bit of parchment with my little notes. Remus and James exchanged a glance, and then James said, "Padfoot?"
"Eh? What is it, dear Prongs?"
"The point of my nickname was so that you wouldn't call me Deer. Now..."
"Wormtail?" asked Remus in an aside to me. "Why is Padfoot so happy?"
"I honestly don't know," I told him, shaking my head slightly and staring at Sirius. "It's just a spare bit of parchment I was using to write notes to myself."
Sirius's happy smile drained off of his face as he stared down at the parchment he had stolen from me. He pouted as he handed it back. I jotted down something I had learned from this little exercise. Don't hide list or map behind back.
SBSBSBSBSBSBSB
I honestly thought that was the map. C'mon, don't you agree? Suspicious piece of old looking parchment, Wormtail has it, and he immediately hides it behind his back when questioned on it. The evidence is overwhelming. I don't particularly feel like going all the way up to the seventh floor just to walk Prongs and Moony back to the Common Room, so I'll just interrupt this conversation that Prongs is trying to start up with me and drag Wormtail away so he can go find McGonagall for the game plan.
"Wormy, you've got Prongs's mirror; Let's go. It's time to play out the plan."
"What exactly am I supposed to do for this plan?" whined Wormtail as I led him away from the group.
As we walked away I thought I heard Prongs tell Moony, "Wish I hadn't made Wormy take over the game plan now. Oh well."
"Padfoot?" asked Wormy as we headed down to the fourth floor again.
"What?" I said.
"What am I supposed to do?" repeated Peter.
"Oh that. Find McGonagall, and see if you can convince her to give me a detention. Or two," I grinned. "If you can manage it, maybe even try for three. I'll be up one on Prongs then."
Wormy scrunched up his face. "Don't you just have to do something that earns a detention?"
"Nope, all you have to do is have someone vouch that you need a detention," I declared.
There was a little silence while Wormy pulled out his "notes to self" and wrote something down. I was satisfied when I glanced over and noticed the words Help Sirius get detentions. The silence held until we made it to the fourth floor.
"Who do I have to find again?" asked Wormtail.
"Professor McGonagall," I answered automatically, as I looked around for a good corner or landing to hide out in. I do not want to get noticed talking to my mirror, so privacy is a must. "You do remember how to use the mirrors, right?" I asked.
"Do you think I'm thick?" asked Peter indignantly.
I chuckled. "Isn't the answer obvious?"
"No," sighed Wormy. "And yes, I do remember."
"Remember what?" Yes, this kind of question was qualified as provoking Wormtail, and should only be attempted by Prongs, Moony or myself. Anyone else would get trapped by the convoluted reasoning of Wormtail, but he will actually stop himself now if he's talking to one of us.
"About the mirror-" I kept my face blank. If I had to be stuck with Wormy for this little adventure, I was going to make him question his sanity. It actually took surprisingly little effort on my part to accomplish this goal and it was quite fun in the process. "Oh, never mind." See, he doesn't want to explain all the way. Even when provoked. It made me wonder for a minute about whether he wanted to explain with other people, or whether he thought that he had to. Okay, that's enough deep thinking for this week. On to the adventure!
And that is the perfect place to set up headquarters. Nice. It was secluded enough, and all it had in the little alcove was a stone gargoyle. One entryway, so at least I don't have to watch my back. It only has three stone walls, the other side is open like a balcony-all that's there is a little supported guardrail so that the firsties don't fall off the castle. And it's four floors up, so I don't really have to worry about someone scaling the walls either. Only James. I smiled at the memory.
"Alright, Wormtail, this is where I'm going to be," I announced, digging my hands into my pockets. Where had I put that mirror again? "Go find McGonagall and convince her to give me some detentions." Ah. There's my little Rodger. What? The nickname stuck. Don't ask me where it came from, though. I just don't like to think about that.
I sat with my back to the gargoyle, finished setting up my station of command, and looked up. Why was Peter still here? "Wormtail, you can go now," I reminded him.
"You haven't answered my question," complained Wormtail.
"What question?" Oh this ought to be good. Wormy came up with the oddest questions.
"What am I supposed to tell McGonagall that you did to earn a detention?" Not the best example of an odd question, but the best odd ones usually come out of nowhere, so I guess I'm not that surprised.
"Surprise me. I'll be listening in, so you better make it good." I tapped the glass of the mirror to emphasize my point. "Now go."
"Fine," muttered Peter, turning and scurrying out the door. He tripped on the rug on his way back to the stairs, and I had to stifle my laughter for a second.
Almost immediately Wormtail's face appeared on the mirror in front of me. "Padfoot? How do I get to the Transfiguration room again?"
I sighed. "Well, if you know where the map is, Wormtail, you should use it."
His eyes widened. And his face disappeared again. Good. Time to relax. I stretched out, eyes watching the door.
"Rabbits, Rabbits, Rabbits, Rabbits."
I jumped. How in the world had someone gotten behind me? I've been watching the door this whole time. Especially someone like-... the gargoyle? I had turned to look behind me. The gargoyle is the only thing I can see back there. I went and walked around the statue and felt into the corners. Anyone invisible would still be solid. No one. That is odd, and I mean really weird.
"Padfoot? I think I'm lost again." Peter's voice made me jerk my head around. What was he still doing in the room? Oh, right. Mirror.
I sat back in front of the mirror again. "Where are you?"
"If I knew that, I wouldn't be lost now would I?" Wormtail retorted. I hate to admit it, but he's got a point there.
"Well, just show me where you are by slowly turning the mirror around the room or corridor you are in." I sighed as he showed me the room. I knew where he was. Now Peter just needed to realize it. "Wormy, there are beds there. Where on the fourth floor are there beds?"
"Er, one of the dormitories?"
"Why would dormitories be on the fourth floor?"
"I don't know. Maybe that's where the Hufflepuffs are." Hufflepuffs? Where did he get Hufflepuffs from? Their dormitories are by the kitchens. Kitchens that Peter should remember.
"You should already know where the Hufflepuffs are, Wormy. Come on! Remember!"
"What?" Does he honestly need me to spell it out for him?
"The Hufflepuffs are by the kitchens," I said, gritting my teeth. "Now, where is Madam Pomfrey?" This better get him on the right track.
"The Hospital Wing, of course." Finally! But I don't think he made the connection yet. Ugh.
"And so where are you, Wormy?"
"I don't know," he whined. He hid the mirror behind his back for a moment, loudly proclaiming, "Hi Madam Pomfrey!" I give up. Sometimes Peter was just too thick.
When he faced the mirror again, I reluctantly muttered, "The Hospital Wing, Wormtail, you are in the Hospital Wing."
"Really?" Okay. Now I'm dealing with homicidal thoughts. Surely no one is that- but then I'm talking about Wormtail. And he is really thick.
I forced a grimace. "Just come down the stairs, Wormtail. And then go down the hall to get to the other set of stairs. And go down them."
"Fine," he huffed, disappearing again.
Now can I get some rest?
"Rabbits, Rabbits, Rabbits, Rabbits."
There's that voice again. Hang on. It can't actually be coming from the gargoyle, can it?
"Padfoot!" Wormtail whined, his face appearing in the mirror again. "I can't go down any more. There are no staircases that go down."
I frowned. "Sometimes you actually do have to go up to go down in this castle."
"What are you talking about?"
"You must be confusing me with someone else. I can't talk. Not me. I haven't said a word my whole life."
It was coming from the gargoyle. I knew it. Well, obviously. It couldn't possibly be coming from anywhere else. Moronic annoying gargoyle that sounds just like-Let's stop that line of thought right now.
Wormtail's eyebrows had furrowed. "Padfoot? How come your voice went all funny there for a minute?"
"What? Oh forget it. Just go up that staircase and then go down again."
I turned around facing the not-so-silent gargoyle. I measured it up for a moment, then tested my theory.
"But you just talked," I said deliberately.
"Sorry, there's no one here."
Yep. I knew it. This is the argumentative gargoyle. Out of all the out of the way nooks, corridors, crannies, alcoves, or even broom closets, I just had to pick this one. Perfect. Just perfect. And yes, that is sarcasm. I really hate clarifying what is sarcasm for Peter all the time, and now I've started clarifying it for myself. How irritating.
"Isn't this the way to the Astronomy tower?"
As a distraction from the gargoyle behind me, I studied the background that Wormy was passing. "Did you pass the gargoyle that tells bad jokes yet?"
"I thought that the joke was pretty good, myself," muttered Wormtail. I'll take that as a yes. Wait. Hang on. Why was he still going up?
"Wormtail, did you go back down after seeing the gargoyle?"
"Why would I go down the same stair I came up?"
"Not the same-" I stopped myself. It was really not worth trying to explain it. "Just go back to the gargoyle that tells jokes." I shook my head in amazement. "How in Merlin's name do you manage to get to classes?"
He started to squeak about something or other as he turned to go back down. I wasn't really paying much attention to him. I started staring blankly at the wall when I heard an "Oops."
I looked back into the mirror, my interest piqued. What I saw raised my concerns for the welfare of my mirrors. Wormtail was nowhere in sight, and the picture in the mirror was turning upside down, righting, and back down at an alarming rate.
"Wormtail!" I called, outraged. "If you break that mirror, you are going to pay in more than Galleons!"
I could hear him stumbling after the mirror now. "Sorry, Padfoot. I sneezed and then tripped." I closed my eyes to prevent an audible sigh escaping. Only Peter. Finally, Wormy's face came back into the mirror. "Alright, I'm back at the gargoyle."
"Is it talking?" I asked.
"You must be imagining things. I can't hear anyone talking." I sighed as my shoulders twitched a little. Forgot to think about that question.
"Padfoot? Is everything alright?" Peter asked, peering into the mirror. "It sounds like you're arguing with yourself in that weird voice."
"Ignore the weird voice, Wormtail. Just pretend you can't hear it." Maybe that would help.
"But I know I heard it!" objected Wormy. Or maybe not. I'll just pretend I didn't hear Peter's objections.
"Do you see the other staircase going down yet?"
"Oh. That one," said Wormtail, his eyes widening in realization. What other staircase did he think I was talking about?
Calm down. Don't hurt the mirror. I don't want to ask for a repairing charm from-. I shuddered at the thought.
I started to stare at the wall again. Much better than thinking about such things.
"Rabbits. Rabbits. Rabbits. Rabbits."
Now if only I could get the gargoyle behind me to shut it.
"Pettigrew? Why are you down here?" asked a girl. I sat up straight. I knew that voice. Don't talk to her Wormtail.
"I'm looking for the Transfiguration room." What the newt? I said, DON'T talk to her. Idiot. I thought he avoided conversations with her anyway. It's not like they are good friends or anything.
"Well, don't go that way. The dungeons are down there." He's by the dungeons? What has that rat been doing? I really should keep a closer eye on him. I should, but I won't. That takes way too much time.
"Thanks. Hm. Which way is it to the Transfiguration room then?" At least he's keeping it to the directions.
"Have you seen Sirius recently?" My eyes widened. She's looking for me! Who knows what she'll do if she finds me! Peter started to say yes, but thankfully he glanced in the mirror and saw me shaking my head furiously. He changed direction in mid word.
"Y-No," replied Peter. "How did your Potions studying go?" Ooh. I winced. Not the best choice of subjects to bring up. If she's been down in the dungeons she won't want to talk about that.
"Just go down that corridor and take two lefts." Yes, just as I suspect-Was that actually the end of the conversation?
Wormtail, what are you doing? Where did she go? I want the map! Wait. If no one's there but Wormy, I can talk to him again.
"Wormtail, what the newt did you think to gain from that conversation?"
"Shh!" Wormy was looking over his shoulder at something.
"Wormtail!" The mirror went blurry then black. What the newt? I stared at the black mirror in disbelief. If anything had happened to that mirror, I would strangle Peter and then punch his face in.
I started tapping my foot, trying to think through this problem. Seconds, then minutes passed.
"Rabbits, Rabbits, Rabbits, Rabbits."
If I could get my hands on the map, I'd at least know where to go to strangle the little rat. I was left alone with my thoughts, and that really wasn't the best place for me to be right now. I started to watch the door to make sure that no one had taken the secret passageway behind that tapestry that went directly to the fourth floor. My foot tapping was actually quite annoying at this point, but I found that I couldn't stop. My concern peaked as I saw a flicker of movement in the mirror.
"Talk Wormtail!" I demanded as soon as his face came back into focus. Not the best idea in the present company.
"Shh! Listen, can you hear that? See, there's no one talking. There's no one here at all!"
"Padfoot?" Wormtail looked confused, but how is that new?
"Ugh, how many times do I have to tell you to ignore the voice that is not mine?"
"Sorry Padfoot. But you nearly got me caught by Filch. He thinks I'm up to no good."
"So? It's just Filch."
Peter looked ready to object, but I silenced that line of conversation with a look. He managed to change the subject. "But I did get you three detentions from McGonagall."
Three. Nice. That will give me a little room to relax. "So, what did you tell McGonagall I did for my detentions?"
He looked rather nervous. More nervous than usual, I mean. What had he told her? "I said that you stole some food from the kitchens."
He said-"What?" I was horrified. "I got three detentions for something like that?"
Wormtail looked thoughtful. "Yeah, apparently students aren't supposed to know where the kitchens are or something."
Honestly? "I'm not serving those detentions," I declared. Not for something that lame. "Go back to McGonagall and tell her you lied about the food, but that I have been hexing Prongs." At least he could have said I was hexing someone. I could think up a much better story than stealing food from the kitchens. The house elves practically give it away anyway.
"What difference does the reason make anyway? You got the detentions."
That's not the point. The point is to leave a legacy of being up to no good by doing creative things. Not lame things that I do anyway. But Wormtail would not be able to comprehend that depth to the objective.
"You'll never understand, Wormtail." And he'd probably mess up any attempt to fix the blow to my ego, so I'll just have to do it myself when McGonagall gives me the information about the detentions. "Never mind about talking to McGonagall again," I said, and he heaved a great sigh of relief. "Just go back to the Common Room and give Prongs his mirror back."
Wormy nodded, then allowing his confusion to surface again asked, "How do I get to the Common Room again?"
And all my homicidal thoughts come rushing back as the gargoyle behind me said, "Rabbits, Rabbits, Rabbits, Rabbits." How nice. And I have a headache again. Ugh.
Peter's List
Check. Item one: Hide the map.
Check. Item two: Tell Sirius.
Check. Item three: Laugh off any weird questions.
Item four: But don't laugh when an ironic situation comes up.
Check. Item five: Take a deep breath if the subject comes up.
Check. Item six: Don't hyperventilate when others are discussing cats or Evans.
Item seven: Just stop reminding myself that the cat is Evans.
Item eight: Change the subject if it is hitting too close to home.
Item nine: Don't look suspicious.
Item ten: Don't tell anyone the real reason for this list.
Item eleven: Don't show fear of the cat.
Item twelve: Do be very, very careful around Moony.
Check. Item thirteen: Don't talk or have any conversation with Dumbledore.
Check. Item fourteen: In fact, avoid Dumbledore completely.
Item fifteen: Never look at Evans directly in case her glare makes you feel guilty.
Item sixteen: Make sure not to call Evans "Evans" around anyone who is not Evans.
Item seventeen: Don't let James figure out the cat is Lily.
Check. Item eighteen: Steal Remus's chocolate.
Item nineteen: Don't let Snape corner me about Evans or the cat.
Item twenty: Interrupt Remus's thought processes as often as possible to prevent him from realizing the cat is Evans.
Item twenty-one: Don't hide any list or the map behind my back. Find a better hiding spot.
Check. Item twenty-two: Help Sirius get detentions to make him happy and keep him helping me.
A/N: Yes, Sirius and Peter! They turned out much longer than I expected when I started out, so hopefully you'll forgive the delay. I must also acknowledge that the gargoyle can actually be found on the fourth floor of the OotP video game. I don't own any of the dialogue in italics coming from said gargoyle, even though it's really fun to use. And various references came from Umi again, so this gets dedicated to her. We're actually having a bit of a race finishing our next chapters of Cat, Rat and Dog and Morning Discoveries. I think I took too long editing this to win. ^_^ I won't promise anything because University is still hectic, but I am still alive and I'll try my hardest to keep going in a timely manner. I've already been working on future scenes, so hopefully I'll be able to get this rolling again.
My deepest thanks go to Umi and snitch-bewitch and Kylani for numbers nineteen through twenty two. Can you think of anything else to add to Peter's list? Tell me in a review or PM, and I'll find a way to use it. My only request be that the list consist of rather obvious or pathetic notions, and that it would be absolutely hilarious to make Peter follow through on. Keep them coming! Please!
My friend Umi Pryde and I have been working on a set of hilarious mishaps that might or might not have happened in the HP World. Check it out. It's called Short Sorcerer Scenes. It is under her profile, or you can check it out from my favorite stories on my profile. Also she has redone it, and organized it, and I would greatly advise reading her story Poker and Prongs's Plan, especially if you like the Marauders. It migrated to its own story from Short Sorcerer Scenes.
Thank you for reading!