Cat, Rat, and Dog

By Matelia-legwll

A/N: Since it's been a while, two chapters ago, Lily decided what she would do after causing a fiasco with the socks:

Remus's shoulders started to shake. "Well, that's never going to happen then," he said eventually.

Sirius objected to that comment, but my eyes were drawn to a little bottle of burnt amber ink that Peter had uncovered from the piles of socks. At least, I think that's what he proclaimed the color to be. It just looks orange to me. But with what I need it for, any color will work.

I know what I'm going to do today.

A/N: Last chapter, Sirius and Peter were tormenting each other, trying to get Sirius more detentions than James.

"You'll never understand, Wormtail." And he'd probably mess up any attempt to fix the blow to my ego, so I'll just have to do it myself when McGonagall gives me the information about the detentions. "Never mind about talking to McGonagall again," I said, and he heaved a great sigh of relief. "Just go back to the Common Room and give Prongs his mirror back."

Wormy nodded, then allowing his confusion to surface again asked, "How do I get to the Common Room again?"

And all my homicidal thoughts come rushing back as the gargoyle behind me said, "Rabbits, Rabbits, Rabbits, Rabbits." How nice. And I have a headache again. Ugh.

CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE: James

It was not a pleasant sight that I saw when I opened the door to the dormitories. I was fully expecting to see Lils curled up in a corner, sleeping, and the room in nearly perfect order since we had cleaned up the socks. In that scenario I could've grabbed my Charms book and headed back to the Common Room to finish the essay with Remus, while we waited for Sirius and Peter to get back from whatever odd adventure they were tormenting each other with. But that didn't happen. That wasn't what I saw.

Perhaps I should back up a little. Lily says that I tend to get ahead of myself. But usually that is dealing with preemptive strikes against Snivellus. But Snivelly's going to attack us anyway, and I might as well get in the first blow.

I had needed to go to the dormitory to get my materials for the Charms essay. Leaving Remus down below in the common room, I darted up the stairs, more quickly than usual, and slowly opened the door to the unpleasant sight that greeted my eyes. Why was the floor orange?

I suppose I first glimpsed a dot of the burnt amber ink on the floor as I opened the door. I followed that dot with my eyes to a bigger dot, to a bigger one, to one that looked like a paw print. Hang on, paw print? Yes. Definitely a paw print. I looked around, trying to spot Lils.

Somehow, I don't want to ask how but I find myself remembering anyway, a bottle of Sirius's ink was left out on top of his trunk. Wormtail. I'll kill him. Don't worry, I will. Ahem. Apparently the ink was left out, and perhaps Lils saw fit to play in the ink. It possibly could have been an accident, but I doubt that.

But where is she? Evans will kill me if she's hurt. Lils, come on out. C'mon. Where are you? I felt a sudden impulse to call out 'Here kitty-kitty!' but stopped myself in time. Given my luck, that would probably offend the kitty—the cat—and she wouldn't come out. And anyway, I shouldn't be calling a cat 'kitty.' That just sounds wrong for a bloke like me to be saying.

"Here, Lils," I called softly. "C'mere. Where are you? C'mon out."

I finally spotted her as Lils peeked her head around the edge of the window by Sirius's bed. By this time, I had examined the floor a little better. It wasn't orange all over like I had first thought. There was definitely a concentrated puddle and different splotches surrounding it. And amber paw prints leading from the puddles to various places in the dormitory.

"C'mere, Lils. C'mon," I continued as Lils curled back into her little corner of the windowsill. "What happened?" I asked, even though I thought I knew.

Lils jumped down from the windowsill, gingerly walking over to me and leaving another trail of burnt amber paw prints behind her with each step. Golly, her forelegs were completely covered in the ink. I could see that some splashes of it had managed to get on her belly and even her back and face. And from what I could see, the hind legs and tail were nearly as bad as the forelegs.

What the newt was she thinking? I crouched down by her as she turned to survey the room with me. I stared at her, wishing hopelessly that Legilimency could work on animals. Not that I'm any good at Legilimency, mind you. I barely even know the name of it. Evans is proof enough of my lack of expertise. If I had any clue whatsoever of what was in her head, I wouldn't get in trouble constantly with her.

A flash of beige caught my eye. Parchment? I stared at the cat again, and it still took me a minute to see the scrap of parchment that was stuck to her tail. I reached for it several times, with Lils unknowingly flicking her tail at the last second. Hm, I really need to practice on my reflexes. Maybe I could borrow the snitch. Ah, gotcha! I held the parchment up to the light.

A sudden thought made me start to panic. This really better not be the Map. I hurriedly tapped it with my wand as I spoke the words, "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good." I sighed with relief. No lines spreading out to create the Map. I wonder if Padfoot ever found the Map; I'm beginning to miss having it.

I pushed my glasses back up my nose and examined the parchment closer trying to figure out why it got involved in this mess. It certainly had ink splotches and blobs all over. Some of the blots were dripping through little rips because the ink was still sort of wet. If I squinted my eyes, the blobs sort of looked like "—a—oo— c—an— —ac—." Yeah, like that made any sense. I flipped the parchment over and finally recognized it. It was the note Sirius had made to Evans about Quidditch. In fact, it was nearly that short too. I still couldn't fathom why he would want to tell Lily Quidditch rocks. She should already know that.

I gazed at Lils trying to figure out how this note got dragged into the action. Well, I could sort of guess 'how' since there were teeth puncture marks on one corner, but I was more considering the 'why' anyway. Wait, what is she doing? I looked hard at her for a minute before realizing that she was trying to discreetly lick her front paw.

"No!" I shouted when that registered. The noise made Lils jump in fright and look around. I didn't like scaring her, but at least it stopped the licking. Ink was bad for cats, right? No one can eat ink at all. I know cats are supposed to bathe themselves with their tongues, but surely that is only for edible stuff, right?

What do you do for a kitten that is covered in ink that it shouldn't lick off? I picked Lils up to stop her from returning to cleaning herself with her tongue. But she needs to get clean somehow, and fast. The floor, the note—they could wait for later. Lils was endangering herself by trying to lick off the ink. How do you clean a cat?

I carried Lils into the lavatory and let her stand in the sink while I contemplated that question. Well, I'll definitely need soap or shampoo or something, so I started rummaging in the cabinets. I noticed that she was occupying herself with looking curiously at me. Ah, I found Sirius's shampoo! That should work. I grinned at the irony of using Padfoot's shampoo on the cat and shook my head in amusement as I set it on the counter next to the sink.

Slowly and carefully I reached over Lils and turned the water on to a trickle. I felt fully justified in my caution. Lils meowed and picked her feet up one at a time and set them back down. I sighed with relief. Weren't cats supposed to hate and fear water? I had imagined something much worse like Lils jumping out off the water yowling, her claws out and flailing, and her teeth ready to rip to shreds anyone that had dared put her into water. I thanked my lucky quill Lils hadn't started scratching yet.

She seemed used to the trickle of water now, or at least, she wasn't picking up her paws anymore. I gradually increased the stream of water until it was steadily filling up the sink about an inch deep and the water started to wash away some of the inky paw prints and the ink on Lils's paws. Time for the shampoo.

I got my hands wet, put some of Sirius's shampoo on them, and rubbed them together until the soap started to lather. I grabbed a forepaw and started scrubbing the ink off of the paw, earning myself another meow from Lils as she watched me warily. I had thought starting with the paws would be best since she hasn't scratched me yet, and I'd rather clean her paws before she decides to scratch me. Finishing with the paws, I reached for the tail.

"Don't worry Lils," I murmured as I got her tail wet. Lathering my hands again, I started washing the ink off her tail. She stiffened and I hesitated.

"What?" I asked. "I have to do your tail, too."

She tossed her head and turned around. Okay, odd, but I can still get it done. I reached for the tail again, only to find she had turned back around. Evaded again. It quickly turned into a contest, with her just barely avoiding my soapy hands time after time.

"C'mon, hold still!" I burst out after a while. "We'll be done soon." Definitely need to work on the reflexes.

Finally, I managed to get enough soap on her tail that I gave up and started in on her back and belly. "Just—have—to—scrub—this—off," I grunted.

Lils started meowing in earnest, and I felt a little tugging of guilt. I knew I was torturing her, but it was for her own good, right? She would be much cleaner when she was done, more clean than she could have made herself, but how do I convince her of that? Her meows sounded pleadingly in my ears and tortured my heart as I tried to finish cleaning her up.

"You'll feel much better when you're clean," I tried to reassure Lils, refilling my lather supply and starting on her head and face. I felt her move her head into her shoulders—almost a shrug—when I said that.

But how interesting. She seemed to calm down when I was scouring her ears, but when I moved down her face to get her neck, she began snapping her teeth at my hands.

"Hey! Stop that!" I cried out after she managed to nick one of my knuckles with her teeth and made it bleed.

I was inspecting it mournfully when I heard a chuckle behind me. What the newt? Who—? I whirled around to see Remus standing in the doorway laughing to himself.

"Moony?" How long had he been there? Oh yeah, I was supposed to work on the Charms essay with him. He must have gotten bored waiting for me to come and went up here to check on me.

"Nice, Prongs. Nice," Remus managed to say with a straight face. "You should definitely look at yourself in the mirror."

What? Oh, I suppose that the scene he's looking at would be quite funny to see. Me, with soap bubbles covering my forearms, and a bit of bubbles in my hair from my habit of ruffling it. Not to mention a bubble-coated cat that kept trying to bite my fingers off.

"Well, if you think it's so funny, why don't you lend a hand, Moony?" I asked, only half-sarcastic, as I turned back to finish cleaning Lils's fur. It would actually help a lot if he could hold her down, then maybe she'd be a little easier to clean.

"No thanks, Prongs. I think I'd prefer to watch from over here," he responded in a dry voice.

"Suit yourself," I muttered, concentrating once more on my task of cleaning the cat. I think I've got her well covered in the bubbles now. Now to rinse her off, and see if the shampoo worked well enough to get rid of the ink. It should have, the bubbles had turned from white to orange.

I carefully increased the stream of water again, this time to make it fill the sink to about four or five inches deep. I cupped my hands and started to pour the water over her head, back, and tail by the handful. Lils meowed once, warningly, and then (don't ask me how I saw or sensed it—I don't know) her claws came out.

I took a giant leap away from the sink, with a yelp. Lils nodded once smugly, and it was accompanied by Remus's laughter. He apparently was hanging onto the door post for support. I glared at him. This was all his fault for not helping me. I turned back to the cat and saw her pawing the taps and she actually managed to turn down the water from the free flow of a minute ago to just a trickle again. Wow. What has Lily Evans been teaching her cat?

Lils has got to be part Kneazle. I can't imagine a regular cat being so smart, so expressive, so lively. I mean, cats are smart, there's no doubt of that in my mind. McGonagall can turn into a cat, and she's smart; not to mention Mrs. Norris who can spot troublemakers with a swish of her tail. But with Lils, it's like she knew how the world around her should work, she just hadn't figured out how to make herself survive without humans yet.

Quickly ducking down, I snuck closer to the sink and hissed, "Quick, Moony, pass me a towel!" I felt a soft heaviness land on my shoulder, and involuntarily looked at it. "Why did you get me mine?" I objected.

"You are the one attempting to wash the cat," he pointed out.

"Good point." I couldn't think of anything else to say to that. It was true. And if Sirius could see me now, I had no doubt that I'd never live this one down. I had rather been hoping for Wormtail's towel, in an effort to get back at him for uncovering the ink, but I knew Moony couldn't know that.

I crept up to the edge of the sink, and peeked my head up over the edge. I quickly and deftly turned the rest of the water off, and Lils gave me an unreadable look before letting me lift her up onto the towel unharmed.

"There, there, Lils. See, that wasn't so bad, was it?" I murmured to her, sitting down with her and patting her dry with the towel.

Remus made himself comfortable also as he asked, "So why the bath, Prongs?"

I gestured out the loo door as I replied, "Did you even see the mess of ink all over the place out there?"

Remus smiled. "Of course. I cleaned it up."

Clean? "Really? How?" It would've taken me ages. And that's with all the skills I learned from my various cleaning detentions.

"Honestly Prongs, sometimes you are as dense as Wormtail," Remus chuckled indulgently.

I rolled my eyes. "Would you cut that out and just tell me?"

Remus tilted his head thoughtfully. "Well, I don't know, Prongs. You haven't answered my first question."

First question? What the newt was his first question? I quickly tried to think back; it had something to do with the bath. Oh yes, now I remember. I quickly explained, "Lils was covered in the ink, and she was trying to lick it off."

That was quite naughty of you by the way, Lils. You shouldn't have done that. I really should stop talking to people in my head, I thought as I wrapped the towel tighter around her and positioned her better in my arms. I barely heard Remus's reply. "You could have just siphoned the ink off." In fact, all that really registered was 'could,' 'siphoned,' and 'ink,' so I'm actually guessing at the rest.

"Wait, what?" I dragged my eyes from Lils and faced Remus to be sure I heard it correctly as well as hearing the whole thing.

Remus quirked an eyebrow in amusement. "That's what I did to the floor. Just siphoned it off with my wand." Wait, that's how he cleaned it? With his what now?

"Wand—? Argh! Why didn't I think of that?" That really would have been so much simpler. Less fun of course, but certainly easier than fighting Lils to get her clean. I surveyed the bundle in my arms. Lils had actually fallen asleep from the busy day she had. I felt like cooing, but that would have totally destroyed any last vestiges of manliness I could still hold onto after giving a cat a bubble bath, so I only cooed over her in my mind. Yeah, I definitely didn't think of using my wand.

Remus laughed. "I honestly don't know the reason for that, Prongs."

But I think I might know why. There's absolutely no reason to share it with Moony, of course. I'm not sure he'd understand all of it. There was definitely something about this cat that gets under my skin. In a good way, mind you. I grinned, getting up to put Lils down in her basket that served as a bed. Her tail twitched as I put her down, reminding me that I need to work on my reflexes. The snitch was a good idea. I wonder how hard it would be to nick it?

Ooh, I think I can hear Wormtail talking on the stairs. He and Padfoot must be back. I wonder what adventure they managed to get themselves into? I glanced sideways towards Remus.

"Hey, Moony. There's really no need to tell them what happened up here, right?"

Remus laughed loudly. "Oh no, there's no real need. You've still got bubbles in your hair. I think they'll ask about that whether or not you tell them."

"What? Where?" I spun around to go look in the lavatory's mirror. I've got, what, thirty seconds to get rid of the bubbles? How hard could that possibly be? I looked into the mirror and gasped.

I mean, I'm used to my untidy hair in my reflection, but it's usually black untidy hair. I didn't ruffle my hair that much, did I? How the newt did those bubbles turn my lovely dark hair to white? Is that what I'll look like when I'm old? I wrinkled my nose. I certainly hope not. Lily wouldn't have that much to look at if that's the case. How in the world could I get rid of all those bubbles in time? I glanced at my watch. Five seconds. Might as well just call Sirius in here. Maybe he'd have some pointers on how he rinses all of this soap out every time.

"Padfoot!" Sirius was going to pay if this was somehow a prank. How the newt did he know I'd use his shampoo?

"PADFOOT!"

Peter's List

Check. Item one: Hide the map.

Check. Item two: Tell Sirius.

Check. Item three: Laugh off any weird questions.

Item four: But don't laugh when an ironic situation comes up.

Check. Item five: Take a deep breath if the subject comes up.

Check. Item six: Don't hyperventilate when others are discussing cats or Evans.

Item seven: Just stop reminding myself that the cat is Evans.

Item eight: Change the subject if it is hitting too close to home.

Item nine: Don't look suspicious.

Item ten: Don't tell anyone the real reason for this list.

Item eleven: Don't show fear of the cat.

Item twelve: Do be very, very careful around Moony.

Check. Item thirteen: Don't talk or have any conversation with Dumbledore.

Check. Item fourteen: In fact, avoid Dumbledore completely.

Item fifteen: Never look at Evans directly in case her glare makes you feel guilty.

Item sixteen: Make sure not to call Evans "Evans" around anyone who is not Evans.

Item seventeen: Don't let James figure out the cat is Lily.

Check. Item eighteen: Steal Remus's chocolate.

Item nineteen: Don't let Snape corner me about Evans or the cat.

Item twenty: Interrupt Remus's thought processes as often as possible to prevent him from realizing the cat is Evans.

Item twenty-one: Don't hide any list or the map behind my back. Find a better hiding spot.

Check. Item twenty-two: Help Sirius get detentions to make him happy and keep him helping me.

A/N: And so the story continues...

Sorry this has been so long on the update. I could give you loads of empty excuses, but I won't. I'll keep this short.

Thanks to all my faithful readers for the reviews and the support. You really do have the ability to make my day! If anyone, and I mean anyone, has any ideas for Peter's list, go ahead and send me a PM or a review with your ideas.

Now if you really want to know the main reason this is late, James and Lily did not want to cooperate with this chapter. Lily wouldn't give me more information than the note and a singular thought, and James was also reluctant to talk to me about this experience. This of course made me more curious, so I finally got it out of him. ^_^ Thanks to YouTube videos of kittens getting their first baths, I don't think I've made Lily too out of the ordinary. I've watched so many videos on YouTube, though, I don't know if one of them inspired anything specific in this chapter or not.

Enjoy! And thanks for reading!