Cat, Rat, and Dog

By Matelia-legwll

A/N: Last chapter, Lily was having balance and communication problems.

Ooh, food! Let-me-down, let-me-down, let-me-down, let-me--Yes! I ran over to where the house elf put the food down on the floor for me. Yum... Mmmm... Oh... Ah... Good. My tummy feels better now. And don't you ever forget about feeding me again, James Potter! Hm, now I can just concentrate on getting rid of Potter. That shouldn't be too hard. Oof! Well, it shouldn't, if I could just get my tail to balance properly and quit knocking me over. Great. He just picked me up again. Will this carrying thing ever end?

CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN: Sirius

I am a genius. An evil genius, but a genius nevertheless. Who else could come up with this ingenious idea? Fine. Can I help it if I like that word? Anyway…

I suppose I ought to describe the scene that is happening, since I'm the only one that could do it proper justice. Especially with Prongs gone on his little excursion to get food from the kitchens. Thank Merlin Evans is gone too. So, onto the disaster I had caused for Filch to entertain us with.

I am currently hiding behind a suit of armor with Wormtail and Moony while Filch is happily muttering to himself, probably bemoaning the state of the castle on rainy days. The three of us had exchanged muffled chuckles as we moved closer to where Filch is. The first lesson of a successful prank is to approach the target quietly. Well, at least keep it quieter than the target himself. We succeeded at the latter.

Peeking around the suit of armor, I raised my wand and whispered the spell that Remus had quickly looked up for us. A trail of muddy footprints appeared in the corridor, leading away from Filch. All it took was one minute for Filch to notice the footprints. His muttering increased dramatically and he strode forward to try and spot the culprit. I made the footprints go around the corner, and he groaned when he realized that the culprit was probably long gone.

I could feel Peter shaking with laughter behind me, as Filch, still grumbling, got down on his hands and knees and pulled out his cleaning supplies. Moony peeked out from the other side of the suit, and quickly added footprints coming from around a corner the other direction.

Watching Filch get more and more frustrated as he tried to clean the illusionary footprints was hilarious. Like I said, only a genius could think of this. This was better than some of our April Fool's jokes. We should have done this for an April Fool's joke. Oh well, too late now, we're already doing it. And pranks should never be duplicated exactly. It proves how little imagination and thought you put into it the second time, even if the first time was brilliant.

I made sure we all were hidden from view when a group of Hufflepuff third years walked by Filch. Filch glared at the Hufflepuffs as if it was their fault he couldn't clean the floors, and they hurried past them as fast as their legs could carry them.

Remus leaned over and whispered to me, "Best part is, he can't punish anyone this time around."

I nodded agreeing as I remembered exactly what had happened during the last major storm.

Peter looked up at us. "What do you mean?"

"Don't you remember Mr. Wormtail?" I asked.

He shook his head. Typical. Well, he wasn't the one that got in trouble anyway. I sighed then started a mini-explanation.

"The last time it rained, the Ravenclaw and Gryffindor Quidditch teams were practicing." I paused, waiting for Filch to cover my voice with his grumblings. "You remember how Prongs and that Turner bloke put together a mock match so they could both get the edge on Slytherin." Peter nodded, though I could tell he wasn't connecting why I was mentioning the event. "Well, do you remember what happened when both teams came in together, trailing mud through the castle?" There. That finally got Wormy's eyes to light up with understanding.

Moony took over, finishing the explanation as I checked on Filch again. "Dumbledore forbade Filch to sentence anyone during the next rainstorm with the terms 'befouling the castle' as the reason for punishment. Well, now is when the next major storm decided to hit."

"Our spells are wearing off, Mr. Moony," I commented as I watched Filch scrubbing away some footprints farther down the line and the footprints actually disappearing.

"We should probably follow him further down the corridor before casting the spells again," replied Remus.

Peter looked thoughtful before remarking, "Why would anyone choose to eat sardines, Mr. Moony?"

Sardines? Honestly Peter, can't you talk about anything even relevant? The location of the Map—now there's a subject for you to talk about.

Remus looked floored for an instant, probably entertaining similar thoughts to mine, before he calmly answered, "I can't imagine. Why do you ask?"

"Filch was saying something about sardines and I started to think about it," replied Wormtail, as if it was the most normal thing in the world to start thinking about.

"You're actually listening to what Filch is muttering about?" I asked, slightly amazed.

Peter gave me a blank stare. "Aren't you?"

I exchanged a glance with Moony. Well, at least I'm not the only one ignoring the words coming out of the caretaker's mouth. Honestly, that is at least as mental as listening to everything Kreacher comes up with. Great, now I'm thinking about Kreacher. I've got to come up with something for Wormy to do that will get him out of the way enough for me to enjoy the prank.

"Mr. Wormtail, you don't need to," said Remus patiently.

I've got to keep a grip on the armor and my wand or else I would hit him upside the head once, just to try to knock some sense into him, like Prongs does to me. Oh, that's genius!

"Mr. Wormtail, would you be so kind as to check on dear Mr. Prongs for us? He should've been back by now. And you can tell him exactly where we are."

"Do I have to?" he whined.

I took a deep breath to calm myself, and Remus, catching on quickly, agreed. "Yes, Mr. Prongs does need to come and complete the Marauders, so go find him, please. And the cat," he added as an afterthought.

I hid a grin. Ask Wormtail to look for a cat. That would probably be the best thing to say to get Peter out of our hair for a while.

Peter set off down the hall. I could hear his grumbling halfway down the corridor and I had a hard time not laughing. "Yes, Peter, go fetch Prongs and the cat. Go fetch the cat. Sure, this isn't a job for either of us, we're having too much fun, but we can send the one that is ruddy scared out of his wits upon seeing any cat, chasing after the resident cat in the tower. At least, I'll be able to ask Prongs what is taking him so long. I'm getting tired of walking. Why isn't he here yet?"

Remus nudged me in the ribs and pointed. Filch had finished his unnecessary scrubbing, and was loping farther down the corridor towards the corner I had originally made the illusionary footprints go around. Not good, not good. I need another genius idea… And all I can think about is the Map. Map… map… mat. Mat! That's it!

I quickly conjured a floor mat that looked like it had muddy feet wiped on it several times over, and as soon as I got an approval nod from Remus, sent it down ahead of Filch and around that corner. Filch didn't see the mat at all until he turned the corner, thanks to a small patch of stubborn mud that caught his eye. I grinned at Remus.

"Hey, Messieurs Padfoot and Moony!" came the soft exclamation from James upon joining us.

As great as having James join the fun might seem, this also meant Wormtail was coming back shortly too. In fact I found myself glancing around for Peter, as James continued to talk.

"Have you guys seen Lils anywhere? She escaped from me, and I wasn't able to find her before I found you two."

My brilliant brain took only an instant to process this. I had been expecting him to say "…found Wormtail here" but he had said that he found us first. Nice. I stopped looking around for Pete. I am such a genius. I remembered Peter's sense of direction, or rather lack of such a sense, and grinned an evil grin. I stopped myself before launching into maniacal laughter, as I reminded myself we were still pranking Filch.

Moony was asking, "How in the world did you lose her? You seem to be glued to her at times."

"Yes well," James said, uncomfortably ruffling his hair. "What is glue?"

Moony gave him a startled look. "It's—it's, er, the Muggle version of a, er, Permanent Sticking Charm. I thought you'd know that by now."

James grinned. "Just messing with you."

"Don't think I didn't notice you avoiding Mr. Moony's question, Mr. Prongs," I murmured as he turned and clapped a hand on my shoulder to see better around the suit of armor.

James groaned and his hand shot back into his hair. "It's just—embarrassing, Mr. Padfoot," he whispered. "I really don't want to talk about it."

In other words, he just wants me to drag it out of him instead of him volunteering the information. I normally wouldn't take the time to pursue it, but at least this is slightly more interesting than the grumpy old caretaker over there who was reminding me horribly of Kreacher. I shrugged. Anything to not think about Kreacher. "What did the cat do this time?" I asked, a straight expression on my face.

"Nothing. Well, nothing other than running away when I couldn't chase after her."

The question was begging to be asked. "And why couldn't you chase after her?"

"I was—stuck, okay?" James tried to retort.

I immediately tried to visualize James—stuck. He was caught halfway through a portrait hole? How do you even get stuck in one of those? Stuck in an extremely narrow passageway? I've never seen a passageway in the castle that James couldn't squeeze through. Wormtail, on the other hand, has indeed gotten stuck like that before. His robes got caught on a suit of armour? Now I'm just making implausible assumptions. He was with the cat, until he got stuck. How the newt did he get stuck? Or, wait, did he mean that he was stuck—as in a conversation? Must have. The other options don't make much sense.

"Who were you talking to?" I asked curiously.

"Er—Ariel, but… she helped me out of the trick step." James raised his eyebrows as if to say 'of course I would talk to her.' I pouted. I'm not an idiot. Quite the opposite, in fact. Who else could have orchestrated this whole situation? Ahem.

Ariel, eh? I wonder why she never gets caught in trick steps. Hang on, James just admitted he got stuck in a trick step, this definitely deserves some teasing. "How the newt did you get caught in a trick step?"

"Just shut it," said Prongs with an embarrassed grin.

I was about to pursue it further, maybe add in a little jab about whether he asked Ariel for cat care tips, but I heard Remus ask from behind us, "So, are we going to continue the prank, Messieurs? Or are we going to stand around chatting while Filch gets away?"

"Prank of course!" James and I say instantly. We exchanged a glance, and I gestured for James to proceed with the wandwork.

He brandished his wand, and Remus and I joined him in dirtying the hallway in front of Filch. It was music to my ears to hear Filch's complaints. Not that I was listening close enough to know exactly what he said, of course. That would be insane. And as much as sanity and genius tend not to keep close company, I didn't want to spoil my peace of mind with the geezer's wheezing.

I. Am. A. Genius. And that's a fact.

Peter's List

Check. Item one: Hide the map.

Check. Item two: Tell Sirius.

Check. Item three: Laugh off any weird questions.

Check. Item four: But don't laugh when an ironic situation comes up.

Check. Item five: Take a deep breath if the subject comes up.

Check. Item six: Don't hyperventilate when others are discussing cats or Evans.

Check. Item seven: Just stop reminding myself that the cat is Evans.

Check. Item eight: Change the subject if it is hitting too close to home.

Item nine: Don't look suspicious.

Item ten: Don't tell anyone the real reason for this list.

Item eleven: Don't show fear of the cat.

Item twelve: Do be very, very careful around Moony.

Check. Item thirteen: Don't talk or have any conversation with Dumbledore.

Check. Item fourteen: In fact, avoid Dumbledore completely.

Item fifteen: Never look at Evans directly in case her glare makes you feel guilty.

Item sixteen: Make sure not to call Evans "Evans" around anyone who is not Evans.

Item seventeen: Don't let James figure out the cat is Lily.

Check. Item eighteen: Steal Remus's chocolate.

Item nineteen: Don't let Snape corner me about Evans or the cat.

Check. Item twenty: Interrupt Remus's thought processes as often as possible to prevent him from realizing the cat is Evans.

Item twenty-one: Don't hide any list or the map behind my back. Find a better hiding spot.

Check. Item twenty-two: Help Sirius get detentions to make him happy and keep him helping me.

A/N: And so the prank goes on...

A very happy birthday to Umi! Here's a Sirius chapter as a present. ^_^ By the way, that new icon on my profile (Made by Umi) will be another handy clue as to when I've got an update on the way for this story.

Sorry this has been so long on the update. I could give you loads of empty excuses, but I won't. I'll keep this short. I'll try to update soon. I do have a significant portion of the next chapter already written.

Thanks to all my faithful readers for the reviews and the support. You really do have the ability to make my day! If anyone, and I mean anyone, has any ideas for Peter's list, go ahead and send me a PM or a review with your ideas.

Enjoy! And thanks for reading!