I don't know what happened. One minute I was awake, beside Ryoshi's bed, and the next I'm gone, sent into the blackness.
All I remember is an intense feeling of panic in that darkness. I'm going to be found here, and sent home. I failed Ryoshi. I failed myself. How pathetic.
Has love done this to me? Turned me soft and vulnerable? Or merely exposed it?
How tiring it is, this beautiful fear.
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Suddenly though, the panic subsides. I am abruptly calmed, though I don't know why.
And then I realize why.
In the dark void of my unconsciousness, I smile.
I will no longer be afraid to let go.
Yes, I'm vulnerable now. My heart is in his hands. Ryoshi could tear me to pieces. He could destroy me. I could be crippled by him, left to bleed out as my heart limps through a painful and pointless life. He could hurt me.
But then it occurs to me.
I don't care if he tears me apart. I trust his heart. I have become better for loving him, and even if I walk home broken-hearted, I will walk on. And I would still love him.
If he wants me, as he promised he would, I hold the same power over his heart. I trust his promise, despite my fears. Ryoshi was willing to be vulnerable for me. How many times have I exercised this power to slam him around, just to see when he would snap and leave me? He let me hurt him. And yet I am so selfish, so scared, that I couldn't do the same for him?
I am suddenly so ashamed of myself.
When I wake up, I will make things right. This I promise.
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After a while, I am aware of something else. I can't quite wake up, but I'm starting to receive information. I get a strange feeling like someone is cuddling and loving me, and in all honesty, I want more of it. But I can't… I can't quite reach my body yet. I'm too weak.
Why did this happen? It was just a cold, a strong fever, right? So why did I pass out?
When was the last time I ate…? Breakfast, at six thirty this morning? No wonder the fever took me over so quickly. I didn't have anything powering my immune system.
I sigh. It's going to be a while.
I can tell that I'm warm now, at least. And the this soft, affectionate feeling is making me ridiculously bubbly. I giggle and sigh. If I were awake I'd be embarrassed. I mostly wish I could hold him back.
Wait, him?
That's right. He feels like Ryoshi.
Don't ask me how I know that. I have no idea. I just know that I don't want it to ever stop.