Chapter 18
With arms outstretched, her fingers found themselves delicately rested upon the black and white keys. With the slightest motion, she pressed down and listened to the sound that it had produced. Closing her eyes, she started to speed up her tempo; hitting every note to perfection.
In one of the many guest bedrooms that Rachel had claimed once she'd gotten to Sam and Quinn's elegant and elaborate mansion, the piano was her only soothing salvation at the moment. The large green room held her melody as the stars held the moon.
For a brief second, her gaze wandered from the music sheet in front of her to find light seeping in through the drapes. She knew then that another day was dawning and she wasn't sure how to feel about that.
It was now a month since the moment she dropped everything in New York to come here and fight a battle; a battle to which her efforts clearly held no impact.
After all of this time, he still wanted nothing to do with her. They were still trapped in a phase of tiptoeing around the glass; that glass, being the root of their problems. However, that did not mean that they didn't communicate at all.
In a matter of three weeks, she'd endured enough suffering to last a lifetime. Finn made it his life's duty to make her feel the way he expressed that he did when she so "selfishly"ran away. And his way of doing that? It all seemed to revolve around the short blonde that was attached to his hip.
She couldn't blame Haley, however. No matter how much she wanted to admit, the girl was nothing but welcoming and oblivious to all of this from the moment they'd met. She was an angel, trying to be her friend and always wanting to make plans with her and Quinn. This only complicated things all the more when Finn held her hand when she was walking by, wrapped his arms around her and kissed trails up her neck when Rachel was in the same room as them, whispered sweet nothings into the girl's ear when they had to stand next to each other at events held by their friends, and trailed his hand up and down her leg when he was sure that she was looking.
It seemed to be a game to him; which wasn't really all that surprising, considering the person he used to be. However, that didn't mean it hurt any less.
She questioned her motives a lot lately. She wanted to stay, and go along with her previous ideals. She wanted to fight for him like no other. She remembered their reign together in high school and would give anything to have that back. The memories of how they were together, even if they were just friends for a long period of those moments, was enough to help her ignore all of the bashful things he'd said to her in the past few weeks. The memory of his amazing laughter, and the way his lips raised in that beautiful half grin kept her going on what seemed like an endless death trail. She took every word and blow, just to get that back. Then, last Wednesday night happened, and every fight that she had been putting up seemed to be placed into question.
It was a gathering for Quinn and Sam's impending wedding. She knew it was probably bad timing on her part, but he was standing all alone outside after the event was over. Not a single person was in sight, which seemed to be the perfect opportunity for her.
The moment he saw her, his agitation built. The normal banter began as normal. But, what she hadn't expected was for him to snap. When the glass of his beer bottle shattered along the wooden ground, she jumped back.
"You need to leave me alone, Rachel." He growled. "There's nothing here for you anymore. So, just stop trying so hard. It's really annoying; you're really annoying."
"You don't mean that," she argued. "I know you don't."
"You don't know a damn thing, Rachel Berry."
"I know you," she replied, her arms crossed over her chest. They were at an uncomfortable distance. "And I know that you're not this person."
He only shook his head, looking to the floor. When she moved in front of him, he didn't move a muscle. He only looked in every other direction.
She continued, "I know that this is all because of me. I hurt you, Finn. I am right here, trying to own up to that mistake. And, I hate myself for it; more than you know. All I'm asking is for a chance to just go somewhere and talk. Please, just give me a chance to explain myself."
"No," he simply replied. Rachel let out a breath, as if she'd just received a blow to the stomach.
"What?"
"You heard me," he told her. "You don't know a damn thing about me or the person I've become. It's been four years; four years, Rachel." He paused to let out a nonchalant chuckle and shake his head.
"I may have changed in your eyes, but you definitely haven't in mine." With the way he spoke nothing good was to come from this. However, that didn't stop her from holding onto that last shred of light.
"You're still that same, selfish, slut who walked out when things got too hard. You couldn't face real life like you were supposed to. You were too focused on getting everything that you wanted, to hell with everyone else."
"Well, now, as far as I am concerned, you can crawl back into that little hole you came from. So go, do me and everyone else a favor and run back to New York like the coward you really are. No one wants you here anyways. I don't want you here." He paused for another moment. " And I don't want you."
His words were like poison in her ears. That night, she watched him walk away with a different feeling in her chest. It seemed to be defeat, or surrender. All she knew was that things would never be the same after that.
And she was right. Things weren't the same. They had created the biggest distance that they'd ever had in all of the years she'd known him. The Finn Hudson that she'd once come to know and love so much had been killed. In his wake stood a ruthless monster that she didn't know how to face or defeat.
This led her to the other motives that were beginning to enter her brain. Calling it a day seemed to be the better solution lately, instead of going down that same path of hurt, blame, and self-hatred. She knew she'd be defeating the purpose of why she came here in the first place. She also knew that she'd become a quitter before allowing herself to be a victor. But, here, in this situation, there really didn't seem to be a victory to be achieved.
She was in a constant battle in her mind, questioning everything this past month. Santana's words also didn't do anything to offer solace. She didn't want to give up. She didn't want to be selfish and walk away again. She wanted to stay in this fight and get him back. She really wanted that happy ending with him that she gave up to find herself in the past. But those same words were getting louder now, and the improvement with Finn was becoming more and more of a fantasy as the days dragged on.
"Just, promise me that you won't be stupid over there, Rachel."
"Do things for yourself."
"Think of yourself."
"You're too important to be affected by some guy."
Her friend offered her the perfect advice, which she tuned out, until now. She was blind to the things she knew that she was allowing herself to go through.
It was ironic in every sense. During her whole life here, she complained that she had no say in anything; that she had no voice. Now, she did have a voice. She just chose not to use it because she knew that it would upset him and she didn't want that. Instead, she let him walk all over her.
And, she was okay with that. He had a right, she thought. She really did hurt him. She walked out when he trusted her most, leaving nothing behind other than his ring, her letter, and a shell of the girl that she used to be.
But now, as the music played through the room, her mind became a little more open. Since that night, things had taken a toll for the worse. Everything that he did around her, including all of the showing off with Haley scenarios, were based to hurt her.
She'd fallen into a pattern these past few weeks. She'd see him, try and be civil, he'd do something with Haley when he knew that she was looking or around, she'd come back to her designated room in Quinn and Sam's home, she'd cry her eyes out in Quinn's arms, and then she'd meet Jamey at the bar to share their daily drink and talk, an occasional joking here and there.
By this point, she could be classified as a full-blown alcoholic. She'd never had to rely on alcohol so much in her life. Becoming piss-drunk to the point where Quinn was holding her hair back over the toilet or retrieving her from bar tops became the norm. She couldn't recall a point in her life where she'd been so low; including the time following the death of her father.
She was drowning in her own misery. Slowly falling into a gut-wrenching depression, she was screaming at the top of her lungs for someone to rescue her. And the only person that could chose to sit, watch, and gain amusement as she sank deeper.
Realizing she'd been playing the same song for the past few minutes, she decided to finally connect the lyrics to the movements of her fingers. Her voice finally came to her, and her singing was the only thing she wanted to focus on now.
Dead-end streets and boulevards
You threw in the towel
I broke your heart
But there's a first time for everything
Who would've thought you'd feel so cold
And all these memories seem so old
To think, you were my everything
Remember when we'd talk all night?
But time ain't easy on us
How can love die?
I've got so much shit to say
But I can't help feeling like I'm camouflage
Fortress around my heart
You were mine just yesterday
Now I have no idea who you are
It's like you camouflage
But it's good to see you here again
I don't want to say goodbye
But it's about half-past ten
And I have to catch my ride
In singing this, she remembered the way she felt in that car with Santana and her mom, leaving Finn behind and moving to New York. She wished she could get the chance to sing this song to him because the next part described what she couldn't bring herself to explain to him, so perfectly. He never understood the fear that she held for her future in that moment. He never understood that she didn't want to be stuck in that lifestyle. And she knew now, that if she were to be able to sit him down and explain that to him, he probably wouldn't understand. At the time, he'd been all in.
Riding alone on the 405
And life's so fragile
It's like I could cry
If that's the last time I'd see you again
But I'd never tell you
Just how I felt
You might just not care
And it might just not help
What if the feelings just don't make no sense to you?
Remember when we'd talk all night?
Time ain't easy on us
How can love die?
I've got so much shit to say
But I can't help feeling like I'm camouflage
Fortress around my heart
You were mine just yesterday
Now I have no idea who you are
It's like you camouflage
But it's good to see you here again
I don't want to say goodbye
But it's about half-past ten
And I have to catch my ride
She wanted to continue the song but she couldn't. When she let out that last lyric, all of the emotion that she'd been holding in finally came out. Releasing her hands from the piano, she rested her arms over the hard wood on top of the keys and placed her face in her arms. Until every last sob was out, she stayed in that position.
It wasn't until an hour or two later that she retired. Getting up from the bench, she wiped her face in the bathroom and retreated downstairs.
She found Quinn in the kitchen cooking breakfast, while Sam sat at the dining table, reading the newspaper. The perfect couple, she thought. Something about the scene was so 1960's American household-like.
"Hey, Rachel," Sam smiled, putting down his paper as Quinn stopped what she was doing to face the two. The only relationship that had improved was her with Sam. The air had been cleared when she first started staying with them. They talked for a while, and before long he was back to his high school self around her. She was glad because she'd missed him a lot.
"Rachel, you're up so early," Quinn smiled, moving over to her friend for a hug. The spatula for the pancakes was still in her hands.
"You didn't hear me on the piano?" she wondered.
"Sound-proof walls," Quinn informed her, motioning around the area with the spatula. "You would've definitely heard us last night if that weren't the case." When Quinn winked in Sam's direction, she finally got the hint she was dropping.
"Okay, I didn't need to know that," Rachel said, gaining a round of laughter from the two.
"Well, I'm making pancakes and bacon, so you can sit at the table or make some coffee or whatever. It shouldn't be too much longer."
"Thanks," she smiled sincerely, moving over to the coffee machine.
"Have some cream," Sam said once she sat next to him. "There's a long day ahead of all of us. I'm pretty sure you're going to need it."
That was right. In this morning's pity fest, she forgot all about what was discussed last night. The impending wedding of the two was more than just impending. Sam and Quinn's wedding was to be held next Saturday.
This definitely sped things that had to be done, throwing Rachel right in the center of the chaos, seeing as though she now lived with them. Quinn had been all over the place, getting everything done. There were schedules to be revised, seating charts, and appointments to be made. So, Rachel agreed to do everything she could to help.
Today, she would be doing their grocery shopping for the next two weeks.
"Right," Rachel laughed, taking the small glass pitcher from Sam's hand. "Thanks."
Sitting across from the two of them, Quinn placed the food in the middle and they all dug in. In the midst of stuffing her face, Quinn took the opportunity to bombard Rachel with questions.
"So, when are you planning on turning in your R.S.V.P?"
"I thought you said that I didn't need to? I already said that I was coming," she reminded her friend.
"I'm not talking about yours. I'm talking about your guest's." She smirked.
"My guest?" she asked.
"You know who I'm talking about. He's about ye-high, sexy dark hair, pretty eyes…"
"I'm right here, you know," Sam commented, holding up his hand.
"Jamey?"
"Ding, ding, ding," Quinn joked.
"We're really good friends, Quinn. I think it would make things a little weird if I asked him to be my date to a wedding."
"Doesn't seem that way to me," Quinn said. "He couldn't take his eyes off of you at that dinner the other night."
When Sam got up to pick up his dirty dishes and left the room, Rachel leaned forward and whispered to her friend. "He's Haley's brother. It can't go there. I don't even want to imagine what Finn would think of me then."
"Screw Finn and what he thinks," Quinn spat. "He lost any right to think anything of you after the things he said on Wednesday night. This isn't even about him, anyways. This is about you being happy. And, I know Jamey. He's a good guy, Rachel."
"Well, seeing as though I'm probably never going to hear the end of this, I'll think about it, okay?" she said, rising from the table. Quinn rose with her.
"Make a decision soon. The wedding's next weekend."
"Okay," she replied, moving back toward the staircase to get dressed.
When she was ready to go, Quinn was waiting for her with a list that looked about as long as the train on her wedding dress would be.
"Damn Quinn," she began. "Are you planning for a tornado or a massive power outage within the next week?"
"We go through a lot of groceries in a short period of time," Quinn defended herself. Handing her keys to her Mercedes and her credit card over, she smiled. "Do your damage."
It wasn't even a matter of 30 minutes before Rachel was standing in front of a large and beautiful home at the other end of town. When the door opened in front of her, Jamey's face instantly lit up. Leaning against his door, he looked over her with a smirk.
"Want a day drink?" he wondered, crossing his arms. "I'm thinking it's about time you try bourbon."
Rachel could only bend her head down and laugh. Only Jamey would start a conversation off like this.
"I'm not here to drink," she admitted.
"Oh," his smirk only got bigger. "I see…"
"No, I'm not here for that either."
"Then what gives me the absolute pleasure of greeting Ms. Berry on my porch on this lovely morning?" he asked, stepping toward her and closing the front door behind him.
"Remember the other night how we were talking and you said that you thought of life as a series of adventures?" She remembered this. He often offered advice and life lessons when he spoke; mostly jumbled up over his drunkenness and sometimes confusing as hell, but they were still life lessons.
"Yeah?"
"Well, I've got the keys to a brand new Mercedes Benz in my hands, a card with probably more money than I'm actually worth on it, a grocery list the length of the wall of China, and an open passenger seat if you're willing. I could really use some of your optimism today."
He only smiled, probably pretending to think. "Let me get my coat."
About halfway there, the radio on the car began to play "Take My Breath Away," by Berlin, only causing Rachel to turn it off and sigh. She wondered if she'd ever get a break. It was when the song resumed playing through the atmosphere that she realized the answer to that was no.
Looking to Jamey, he was turning it louder. When he noticed her looking at him, he only smiled and began singing.
"I love this song," he commented. "But I'm assuming with the look on your face that you don't?"
"My ex and I danced to this at our prom." She informed him. "It was kind of our song."
"That's funny," he began, mouthing the words to the song. "This was the song my ex-wife and I danced to at our wedding."
"You're lying to me right now," she chuckled, watching him smile and shake his head. "And you're just comfortably singing along without a sense of sadness or trauma?"
"The relationship wasn't meant to be," he told her. "That's not going to stop me from enjoying a perfectly good song." "You should try it with me. Come on," he smiled.
"Take my breath away!" he exclaimed, in the most horrible singing voice she'd ever heard. Her obnoxious laughter flew through the small space of the car. "Take my breath away!"
"Take my breath away!" she finally joined him. The rest of the way there, they laughed uncontrollably and jammed out to the music at hand. She hadn't felt so alive in a long time.
When they stepped through the sliding doors of the large grocery store, she went for the baskets.
"Are you sure we're going to need one? I'm sure we can carry all of this." He joked, pulling one out from the alignment.
"I'm not sure what shopping you've been doing lately," she replied. He chuckled, grabbing the piece of paper from her hand.
"So, what's first?"
"Toliet paper," she replied, in a playful seductive voice.
As they headed for the designated aisle, he smiled down at her and spoke, "Only you can make that word sound good, Rachel Berry."
By the time they'd gotten to the produce section, as many as three sets of couple or groups of people in the store had already stared them down. The perks of being in such a small town, Rachel thought.
Once they'd picked up all of the fruits and vegetables they needed, they ran into Grace Mitchell and her husband, whose name she couldn't recall. The moment was very awkward, considering the last conversation she'd spoken with the woman. This, however, did not hinder the huge pearly white smile the blonde woman let out at the two.
"Rachel, it's been so long." She smiled. The amount of fake behind it could put Barbie to shame. "How have you been?"
Two could play at this game. "Oh, I've been great, Mrs. Mitchell."
"You sure dear?" she asked with pretend concern. "You look paler than a ghost. There must not be a straightening iron at hotel Quinn and Sam Hudson…" "I heard you were struggling a bit to get settled."
"I'm getting there," she admitted.
"Well, that's assuring." She commented. "So, who's this new boy-toy you've got with you?"
Rachel couldn't believe the woman had the indecency. She knew that she was judging Rachel right now with the clothes that Jamey chose to wear to the store. His jeans and flannel didn't really give off the wealthy appearance that a lot of these kinds of people looked for.
She knew that Grace was probably assuming that he was just some hook-up or scandal that would spread around the town like a wildfire by midnight.
"Jamey Halstead," he smiled, holding his hand out. Rachel could've sworn she saw Grace fall back a few steps at the mention of his name. He noticed this too. "You must be Grace Mitchell, right?"
She only nodded.
"I helped my dad fund that last charity event that y'all held. I hope everything was to your liking."
"Oh yes, everything was perfect. Thank you so much." Within an instant, she was butt-kissing.
"That's very good. I'd hate for my southern hospitality to go to waste." "It was nice meeting you, but we've got such a big grocery list to cover." He smiled, turning the cart around and waving goodbye as Rachel followed him.
"Thank you for that," she smiled. "You really put her in her place even if she didn't know it. I could sense her butt-kissing from a mile away."
"She judged me based on my favorite flannel shirt," he pouted. "I wasn't going to let her get away with just a light tap on the wrist."
Rachel only laughed as they returned to their shopping.
It was when they emerged from the large selection of pop-tarts, did she spot him. He wasn't obvious, nor did he stick out. He wore black sweat pants, a grey t-shirt, and tennis shoes.
He was so lost to the world around him. She maybe even caught sight of what looked like the face of the boy she used to know. For a fleeting moment, she was pulled back into that passenger seat at two in the morning, laughing her head off with the person next to her. He wore that same facial expression now. Not a thing had changed. Well, maybe one thing…
She was holding his hand. Walking in the opposite direction of the two, he was pushing the basket with his free hand, while laughing his tail off at whatever was coming from the girl with a list of their own in her hands. Rachel couldn't help but feel her blood start at a boiling point. The scene was perfect. It was everything that she wished she could have.
"Rachel," she felt her shoulder being nudged. She immediately felt guilt remembering that Jamey was in the process of speaking to her before she zoned out.
Shaking her head, she cleared her mind and throat before continuing. She instantly apologized.
"It happens to the best of us," he insisted. "Plus, my family's history really can be a bit of a snoozer sometimes."
"I don't think that," she assured him.
"Well, my 17 year old self would definitely beg to differ." He joked, guiding them down the next aisle. After reaching for a box of cereal, he turned to face her state of confusion. He then explained what he meant. "My dad used to sit me down all of the time and explain a generation's worth of restaurant stories. The legacy is in your hands to carry onto your son and so on, James…" he explained, using air quotes for his father's words.
"So, is that what you do for a living?" she asked as she threw a box of grits in the basket. "You never really mentioned it before."
"How exactly am I supposed to impress a girl by starting off the conversation with how money-hungry I am?" he smirked, grabbing two boxes of oatmeal as they moved forward.
"Are you, though?" she really wondered.
"I run the finance department and I usually spend up to 12 hours a day on my phone or laptop, negotiating with other companies or arguing with the many colleagues that I have. What more would that say during a first impression with a pretty girl like you?"
"Maybe that you're passionate about what you do?" she smiled when an idea popped into her head. "And there is absolutely no way that you're standing here, telling me that you were all worried about my first impression of you. The day we met you got plastered."
"And that, Rachel Berry, is why we're friends." He smiled, linking her arm in his. "You can stand here and laugh at my mess of a life with no judgements whatsoever unlike my witch of an ex-wife and a few pretty ladies back at a bar in Tennessee. But, you get the idea…"
"Who says I'm not judging you?" she asked, playfully raising her eyebrow as they moved down the next aisle.
"Well, are you?" he asked, placing a few canned goods into the mixture of groceries already beginning to pile in the basket.
"Nah," she admitted. If she wasn't mistaken, a wave of relief could be seen flooding Jamey's features. "I've got too much on my own plate to judge you for whatever's on yours. Besides, it all adds to the adventure," she chuckled.
"Right," he laughed. "Gosh, where have you been my whole life, Rachel Berry?"
"Stuck," she admitted in a mumble below her breath.
"What?" He must've caught it, seeing the look on his face when he turned to look at her.
"Right here," she played it off. "I'm actually from here."
"Yeah," he began. "Quinn told me that you were home for some for time. Where exactly from, if you don't mind me asking…"
"New York," she informed. "Me and my friend have an apartment in Brooklyn."
"Wow," he replied. "The Big Apple…"
"Have you been?" she wondered. She could use a friend who had a love for the city just as she had.
"More times than I can count," he admitted. "I actually have a home up there."
"Really?"
"Yeah, it's kind of like a winter home," he informed her.
"A winter home?"
"You know how some people go away to their summer homes during summer break? Well, I have a winter home that I go away to when it gets really cold. I'm a sucker for the snow. I actually haven't been since last February."
"That's funny," she grinned, hearing his words. "Just a few short weeks ago I was making snow angels in Central Park."
"Really?" His grin was now just as wide. "I'm actually kind of jealous. I bet it was a good day."
"When isn't it?" she challenged him.
"You make a good point," they both fell into a wave of laughter.
It was astonishing to her. She hadn't been this comfortable with a guy in a long time. She started to realize this a few days ago, but now, it all seemed so clear to her. Unlike all of the other guys she'd come across in New York, she didn't have to re-guide his wandering eyes. She didn't have to pretend to be intrigued with a conversation that was obviously going nowhere. For the first time in a while, that definitely wasn't the case. But, most important, she didn't have to worry about an ulterior motive behind it all.
Although he offered his playful flirtatious jokes every now and then, he wasn't pushy like all of the other guys had been. He didn't hoot and holler at her like she was a dog. He didn't make her feel uncomfortable. With Jamey, she could just be herself and that was enough for him.
She was so comfortable, which made things all the harder for her to accept. She didn't know why or how, but she was slowly starting to lower her guard down to a guy who wasn't Finn, and yes, that scared her to death. But, she liked the way it made her feel.
In all the time her heart had been dragged around like a rag-doll these past few weeks, even a second spent with him could erase all of it. He made her feel alive. He was that hand, reaching under the water of her sorrows, trying to pull her up from drowning for too long. It was like she was a teenager, being careless and dancing on empty roads in the middle of the rain with… Crap, she thought.
Her past lover and the blonde attached to his arm proceeded to turn the corner, ripping a hole through the comfortable environment they'd developed around them. The air was now tense for her, even if they hadn't realized the two's presence yet.
And, something deep down inside of Rachel told her not to be there when that happened. So, that's when she turned back to Jamey.
"You know what?" she began. "We actually forgot bread, so I'll go get that and be right back, okay?"
"Sure," he smiled, totally oblivious to the whole situation. "I was actually headed to get the eggs anyways. I'll race you," he winked.
"You're on," she smiled, heading in the opposite direction.
Staring up at the large wall of different loafs of bread, she sighed, running a shaky hand through hair. Her heart was sure to jump right through her chest at any moment.
She avoided the amount of stares she was getting from passing shoppers as she stood there in an anxious state. It was true. She was scared. She hadn't been face to face with Finn since last Wednesday. She wasn't exactly sure what he'd say if he saw her here today; not to mention if he found out that she was with Jamey. It definitely wouldn't look good on her part. A major setback would come from it as well. That was for sure.
As if her mind had been read, as she was gathering herself back together, a voice nearly sent her stumbling forward.
"Fancy meeting you here, of all places," she turned to take in his appearance next to her. His hands were rested in the pockets of his sweat pants as he looked down at her.
She failed miserably at trying to raise her guard up. He knew that she was nervous. She felt the heat in her face, which meant that it was probably red. And, if that didn't give it away, her staggered breaths were definitely just as revealing. It did nothing to help her efforts at keeping herself perfectly composed in his presence. She just had to keep in mind that the last time they'd spoke, he'd called her a "selfish slut".
"Well, I figured I'd help the bride-to-be in any way that I could, considering she is letting me take up residency in her home for the time being," she replied nonchalantly, avoiding all eye contact as she ran her hand over a couple of loafs, pretending to examine them closely. "She's got an empty fridge and I've got too much free time on my hands."
"If I wanted a play-by-play, I would've asked." He rudely remarked.
"But yet, here you are, so…"
She felt a hint of guilt seeing the look on his face. However, it wore off the moment she remembered him flaunting his relationship in her face this entire week. After that, she wasn't going to lie to herself. The clap-back gave her a sense of confidence that she hadn't had since the plane-ride over here.
"You know," he stumbled over his thoughts for a second before returning. "You've got a lot of nerve."
"For what?" she sighed, crossing her arms and facing him. "For being nothing but nice to you as you've treated me like nothing more than the dirt under your shoes?"
"Nice?" he scoffed, closing their distance by an inch or two. "I don't think we're talking about the same person."
"You're right," she took him off guard. "Because the girl that you're referring to is completely different from the one you're looking at right now. But, it's not exactly like you would be able to get that through your head, because every time I try and explain it to you, you lash out, going to lower depths, calling me a slut or selfish."
"Here's the thing, Rachel," he paused for a moment. "It doesn't matter who you are right now. You did what you did and that's never going to change. But yet, for some reason, you're still here. Instead of getting the hint and returning to New York like I so desperately want you to, you're here. You're in this grocery store, shopping, acting like there's nothing wrong and that's what bothers me. That, above all things, angers me to no end and that is why I'm here right now."
"So, you figured that if you could come over to this aisle and say something really mean, you could make me leave? What are we, in Kindergarten?"
"Maybe I should just tell you that I love you and hand you my mother's ring again. It seemed to work the first time," he spat.
All breath was knocked from her, yet again. It seemed to be a familiar feeling nowadays. "Now, that was low."
"It's not like you don't deserve it."
"I don't deserve it." She finally spoke after a split second of gathering what pride she still had left and silencing any voices in her head telling her that she'd regret it. She was already too far into things. "My worst enemy wouldn't even deserve that."
"You're right, Finn. I did what I did, and I understand that I'm going to have to live with it for the rest of my life. Trust me, if I could take it back, I would. But, you have no right knocking me over something that you don't even know the reasons behind." She scolded.
"Oh, I know the reasons, Rachel. Trust me, I know the reasons."
"Then, go ahead, Finnegan. Stand here and explain to me why I left. And, don't say it was because I was selfish, or a slut, or anything that your own biased opinions would serve you. If you know the reasons behind why I left, tell me."
"You left because you didn't love me the way that I loved you. When I sat you down on that porch that night and poured my heart out to you, you already knew that you were going to pull the plug on us, no matter what I said or did. You didn't want to be with me forever like I did. You were just too scared to admit that to me. And, you couldn't fill the hole that you'd already dug so deep. So, you waited until I wasn't around and you packed up everything and left me with nothing, to make things better for yourself. "
"That is nowhere near the truth, Finn," she sighed. "I meant every word I spoke that night. Did you even read my letter?"
"No," he lied. "The first chance that I got, I threw it into the fireplace, along with all of our pictures, and the stupid present you gave me a long time ago, with the scrapbook and stuff."
She couldn't say anything to that. When it came to being mean, her mother never stood a chance against Finn. He was always the bigger and better wolf when it came to breaking someone when he was hurt.
"And as for the prom dress and diamond necklace that you left behind on the floor of your closet? Well, Haley loved her birthday present from me. I had to get it altered, however. It turns out she's a size or two smaller."
She was immediately thrown back to middle school the moment he took the time to mock her weight. She wasn't offended this time, though. After all of the time working out in New York, she'd finally gained an unbreakable confidence with her body. That still didn't stop her from what she did next, however.
Raising her hand back, she brought it forward with as much force as she could. When the palm of her hand harshly met his cheek, she felt the vibrations run up her arm. She didn't care who was around, watching the two. He deserved it.
"She's not a toy, Finn." Rachel informed him. "She's really nice and doesn't deserve any of it. So, think about that the next time you try and flaunt her around in my face."
"Who said anything about flaunting?" he wondered. "Like I said before, you've been gone a long time. I love her."
"Well then, maybe she shouldn't find out that just a few short weeks ago I was on top of you in your bed," Rachel watched as his eyes immediately widened, searching desperately for wandering ears around them.
"Would you keep your voice down?" He whispered, getting closer to her. "That was a mistake, and I told you that."
"Towards the end, yeah… But, if I remember correctly, your arms weren't exactly pushing me away in the beginning."
"Nothing even happened," he reminded her.
"Because you stopped me before it could." She reminded him in return.
"There you are. I've been looking everywhere for you." The blonde came from around the corner, sending the two fleeing from their tense stances.
"I figured you forgot to put bread on your list. I went to make some toast this morning and yeah…" he trailed off.
"Thank you," she smiled, reaching up to kiss him on the cheek. "I would've never remembered."
"Hey Rachel!" Haley exclaimed, moving forward, taking her into a tight embrace.
"Hey Haley," Rachel barely got out with the impact of the girl's hug.
"I'm honestly so shocked, girl," the blonde flashed her pearly whites in Rachel's direction. "I ran into Jamey and he told me that he was here with you."
"Yeah," Rachel smiled, nodding her head. "I figured he'd be of some use with the giant grocery list that Quinn handed me."
"Jamey?" Finn stepped in, turning to his fiancé. "As in your brother, Jamey?"
"Yeah," she smiled, turning back to Rachel. When she sent her a look, Rachel instantly tensed up.
"Oh no, uhm-" She cut herself off. The moment was growing awkward quickly. "It's not like that." She tried to assure the blonde. "We're just friends."
"Are you sure? My brother doesn't blush like that about just anyone."
"There you are, Rachel." As if on cue, Jamey rounded the other corner with the same basket, fuller than the last time she'd seen it.
"I think it's safe to say that I won," he smirked, pointing to the carton of eggs. "And I also think it's safe to say that I put somewhat of a dent in Quinn's grocery list."
Despite the situation she'd found herself in right now with Finn, she couldn't help but let out a little laugh. When he noticed the two standing beside her, he instantly moved forward to greet them.
"And I run into you again, sissy." He smiled. "Finn," he said, holding his hand out.
Rachel stood there in pure agony, watching the two shake hands. Awkward couldn't even describe it at this point.
"Well, now that we've got bread, I think we should probably go get all of the things left on the list. It was nice seeing you guys," she smiled, ignoring Haley's googly eyes in the direction of her and her brother. "How about that day drinking you offered earlier?" she asked, turning to the tall figure behind her. "I think you're right. I need to try Bourbon."
"Any offer including alcohol is an accepted offer in my eyes." He chuckled.
"Good, then let's finish this up, shall we?"
"Actually, I got the rest of the stuff while you were over here, so if you're ready I think we can check out."
"Sounds like a better deal," she replied, moving away from them.
"Well, we'll see you guys later," Haley smiled with a wave, turning to continue shopping.
"Actually, we have everything that we need as well." Finn spoke up for the first time in a while.
"I thought we needed to ge-"
"I'll come back tomorrow after work, okay?" He only glared at Rachel. She tried her best to avoid his eye contact, turning to Jamey.
"Let's go," she whispered before they turned and headed for the first open register.
As they got to the front of the line, Rachel's heart fell when Finn quickly moved his basket right behind her.
She tried to ignore him. "Did you want any candy or anything? I'll pay for it."
"I'm good. I think we've spent enough of Quinn and Sam's money for one day."
"I was going to pay for it with mine, but if you're refusing-"she smiled, holding her hands up playfully.
"That Snickers bar does actually look really good right now," Jamey admitted.
"Good," she smiled, grabbing two and throwing them on the counter.
Moving further up the line, she got in front of Jamey so she wouldn't be near Finn. That didn't stop him from staring at her, however. His eyes remained focused on her form the whole entire time they were checking out. No matter how many jokes Jamey whispered to her, she remained uneasy. It was like she was standing on a stage naked in front of a large crowd of people.
It finally ended when their receipt was handed to them and they were free to leave the premises. Rachel took this opportunity to bolt to the car as fast as she could. When she felt like she could finally relax, she reached down into the basket, placing the grocery bags into the trunk. It was when her breathing had finally returned to normal that he was at the side of Jamey, offering a helping hand in loading the car with them.
"What are you doing?" she asked. "Where's Haley?"
"She told me to come out and help." Finn replied.
"I'll go help her," Jamey offered, leaving the two of them alone before Rachel could oblige.
Thinking that she could go about loading the remaining bags silently proved nothing but wrong when Finn took the first opportunity to speak to her.
"So Jamey, huh?" he asked, as casually as he could. Leaning against the other side of the car, Rachel tried her best to avoid the approaching conversation she knew they'd have at some point, all together.
"So now you care?" she crossed her arms after slamming the trunk door shut.
He immediately rejected the idea like it was the most ridiculous thing he'd ever heard. "Of course not," he shook his head. "I just find it a little unbelievable of you to come back after all of these years, telling me that you want me back, just to go run around with some other guy; the same guy who happens to be my fiancé's older brother. It's a little suspicious if I do say so."
"Well, despite what you believe or don't, I'm not running around with anyone. Jamey's just an amazing friend that I like to spend time with."
"Right," he nodded. "You know you're not fooling me, right?"
"And neither are you," she fired back.
"What are you talking about?" he demanded.
She closed him in on the other side of the car preparing to speak. "You're a screen door, Finn Hudson. I don't care what you say. I know you more than anyone else in this whole entire earth."
"Your point?" he asked.
"My point is that you may have given Haley my prom dress and the diamond necklace, you may build her the most elaborate antebellum home in town with white picket fences and acres for miles in the future. Hell, you might even throw her the most extravagant parties, crawling your way into her heart with that charm that used to get you through high school..."
"And you can throw yourself into her to mask all of the pain running around through your heart. That's something that I'm just going to have to accept as a consequence for leaving. You can flaunt her around on your arm to impress everyone and make me feel terrible, like I should. There's no denying the fact that she's perfect. She'll be that beautiful woman that fits in perfectly with the town, while she raises your children right and puts your last name to honor…"
"You'll sit here, telling me that you love her. You'll tell me that she's better than any other girl you've ever been with, including me, and you'll tell me that she patched your heart back together after I broke it. Am I right?"
He didn't answer. He only looked in the opposite direction. Grabbing the bottom of his chin, she redirected his focus back to her. She knew he didn't want to hear any of this. She also knew that he was listening to every single word carefully; mad at himself for knowing that everything she was saying was true. He'd always been an open book to her. Even when he didn't speak, she could always tell what he was thinking or feeling. She'd already had every corner of his face figured out and memorized in her brain.
"But there's one thing that you will never be able to deny. In trying to cover everything up for my eyes, I realized your mistake the moment she introduced herself to me and flashed that huge rock on her left hand." "You may be able to play pretend with anyone else around here, but not with me, Finn. You and I both know that she's never going to be what you want."
"Then tell me, Rachel, what do I want?" he asked, turning so she was the one being cornered. Leaning forward, their faces were an inch apart. She could feel his rapid breaths against her cheek. The feeling sent chills up her spine.
"You want a simple life." She began, remembering everything that he used to whisper in her ear as they watched the stars in the middle of the night, holding her close against him. "You want to live in a town where people have no idea who you are. You want a wife and two kids; a boy and a girl if I remember correctly. But, you'd also be okay with two boys if that meant you'd have enough people to throw the football with around the backyard. You want money that you feel has been well earned, not handed to you. You want to be in the NFL. You want to drive on dirt roads, singing stupid and very loudly to your favorite classic rock songs. You want to dance in empty, scary roads in the middle of the rain with nothing but the music from your truck playing in the background. You want deep conversations with that one person you trust the most in your truck at three o'clock in the morning, in the middle of nowhere. You want lazy Sundays to just lay around with that person, or Saturday nights where star-gazing is all the rage. You want to give your mother's beautiful pearl engagement ring and a lifetime-long list of reason why you love that person and should be with her." She paused catching a breath. "You want memories that will last forever, whether you like it or not."
"You want something that Haley will never be able to give to you. No matter how hard you try to lie to yourself and push it all away, destroying the constant thought in your mind, this is something that you'll never stop wanting. You want us."
Her breath caught when his hand found its way to her cheek. Running it in an upward direction, she felt strands of her hair being brushed away from her face. As their eyes focused on nothing but each other's, Rachel's stomach fluttered. The distance between them seemed to be decreasing as time stood still. It was when his breath could be felt against her bottom lip that she knew this time she wasn't dreaming. One slight movement from her and she'd be kissing him again. That easy, she told herself.
But, before she could, a voice pierced through the small bubble they seemed to form on the other side of the parked car, away from all public eye, until now.
"What are you guys doing?" The blonde asked with a large leather purse hanging from her mid-arm, car keys in hand. A confused smile was plastered over face.
Finn was the first to break the distance, turning away from her and moving in Haley's direction.
"I was trying to get a loose eyelash out of Rachel's eye. I don't think I could've taken another second of her whining about it," he laughed, instantly playing it off.
"Oh no," the girl commented with a pout. If she had suspicions she didn't make them known. "Are you okay, Rachel?"
"Much better," she assured her. "Where's Jamey? I think it's time we head out."
"Right here," he smiled, walking behind his sister. "You ready?"
"Yeah," she replied, walking over to the driver's side of the car. After the group said their real and final goodbyes, Rachel climbed into the car next to Jamey.
He was speaking of some funny card he'd seen on one of the displays, helping his sister check out. As his laughter filled the air of the compressed space, Rachel couldn't feel anything. Instead, her heart thumped to a beat of its own, watching the two in her rearview mirror. Her heart ached taking in the way her hands ran up his arm as they walked to their car.
The sight of his head being thrown back in laughter at what she was saying to him only sent her reeling. She remembered when she was one of the only ones who could make him do that.
As she watched their hands intertwine, she sank further into that drowning state. Even if she was right before in saying that the girl was only being used to distract Finn from his apparent heartbreak, it didn't mean that it didn't absolutely kill her watching the two of them together.
The stupid girl was perfect, there was no denying. She was like Aphrodite brought to life. Her personality only added to the mix. She was so kind and generous, and everything that she knew that Finn deserved. Rachel's intimidation ran deeper than the ocean at this point and she didn't see an end to that any time soon. No matter how hard she tried to convince herself that Haley wasn't a threat, the signs were becoming harder to ignore. Watching the two in the rearview mirror, Rachel knew that there would always be a way for the blonde to get under her skin; for as long as that engagement ring rested on her hand with Finn on her arm.
Pulling up to Jamey's house after dropping all of the groceries off at Sam and Quinn's empty house, she finally returned to her surroundings. Jamey had been speaking of something to do with his job. She couldn't exactly decipher what, which only added to her confusion and guilt for zoning him out in the first place.
"Thank you for today," he smiled, turning to face her. "Despite the enormous amount of exhaustion from all of that shopping done, I had a great time with you."
"So did I," she replied, a little cautious as he took her hand in his. But, for some reason, she let it slide. "However, with the way you're built I don't exactly take you as a guy who gets exhausted easily." She joked, pointing to the obvious trace of abs and muscles underneath his shirt.
"I can assure you it comes after you've aged a little," he laughed. "My rigorous diet and gym membership play no key factor in any of it."
"Oh, quit being dramatic. You're not that old." She playfully elbowed him in the side. "In fact, you've never even told me how old you are. My bet is on a 25, maybe a close 26?"
"Hah!" he cried out as if it were the funniest thing he'd ever heard. "You're really cute."
"Am I really that off?" She became curious after her original thoughts were proven incorrect. "Are you like 40 or something?"
"How old are you?" he asked in return, raising his eyebrow.
"22," she admitted, eyeing him. "Now that I've told you, spill."
He only chuckled, looking out the window before turning back to her.
"I make the big 3-0 in June," he admitted. "So now, are you planning on ditching me yet?"
"That's impossible," she giggled, playfully hitting his arm. "You look so young!"
"How about I fix you a drink and share all of my skin-care secrets?" he negotiated, pointing to his house. "I could finally take the chance to impress you with my pool-side bar."
She didn't even have to think about it. "After the day I've had? I think it's finally time for you to show me that Bourbon you've been promising."
Stepping out of the passenger seat, it took him about 3-5 seconds to pull her door open and offer his hand. "Right this way, Ms. Berry."
If she thought the outside of his house was big, the inside was nothing in comparison. The place was absolutely beautiful. The design had a modern design with an older southern touch to it. It was everything she dreamed of having when she was younger.
However, she knew that she was in heaven the moment her feet touched the setup in his large backyard. Out of his backdoor was a large underground pool, a hot tub, a few poolside tables and chairs, a few palm trees, and like he promised, a bungalow-styled poolside bar on the far corner.
"And you mean to tell me that you casually wake up to this every day without thinking 'wow'?" Rachel asked, looking around, completely stupefied.
"I try not to get caught up in the materialistic aspect of things." He admitted, with a slight grin. "But, I told you that I'd impress you, didn't I?"
"It's beautiful," she stated.
"Now, how about those drinks?" she asked after a moment of silence.
I thought you'd never ask," he winked, taking her hand and leading her to one of the large stools on the other side of the bar.
"Ugh, this is disgusting," she sighed, feeling the liquid burn her throat as she returned her head from its backward position.
"That's your fourth one," he reminded her.
"I said it was disgusting, not ineffective." She chuckled. "This buzz feels amazing."
"Light-weight," he mocked, pouring another shot for himself. "I don't even feel a thing."
"That's because I've never drunken so much with one person in my whole entire life. I don't even remember being this crazy with my friend, plastered on a roof-top with my best friend on New Year's Eve. What am I going to do with you, Jamey? You're turning me into an alcoholic."
"It's called living in the moment," he reminded her, pouring another shot for her. "Something that I've found makes it easier living in this world."
"What's with you and all of your life lessons?" she wondered, throwing her head back and feeling the burn run down her throat once again.
"I don't know," he jumped into thought. "My mom used to say a lot of these things. I guess I developed it from her, growing up."
"Your mom taught you to throw back alcohol too?" she asked, causing a loud burst of laughter from both of them.
"No," he assured her. "That pretty much came to me with trial and error in my freshman year of college."
She laughed, closing her eyes and resting her head back against the stool. "I'm glad I came."
"I'm glad you came too," he admitted.
"It's like I'm on the beach." She commented. Her eyes instantly shot open, sending her in an upward position. "Do you know how to make those pool-side fruity drinks that they serve at the beach?"
Her question was answered a few moments later when a Pina Colada was handed to her. "Enjoy, love," he smiled, placing one of those plastic umbrellas on top, next to the cherry.
When she finished slurping on the drink, she rose from her chair, taking another scope of her surroundings. Turning back to him, she caught him watching her, with a smile of determination to find out what she'd do next.
"Let's go swimming," she suggested.
"It's 35 degrees outside, Rachel. We're not going swimming," he chuckled.
"Oh come on, Jamey. You said it yourself. It's called living."
"Yeah and there's this thing called hypothermia, which is the opposite of that," he replied.
She didn't know why she did it. Maybe it was because she really was drunk no matter how much her body tried to convince herself otherwise. Maybe it was because her brain was still jumbled from what happened with Finn two or three hours before. Maybe it was because she was trying to erase her mind and heart from the pain that she was feeling from watching Haley and Finn holding hands in that parking lot.
For whatever reason, she dropped the large coat to the concrete ground and before Jamey could even oblige, she took off at full speed, diving into the deep end of the pool.
As her feet touched the bottom, all wind was knocked out of her with the contact of the artic water. Only when she submerged from under the water could she hear Jamey.
"Are you insane?" he shouted, kicking off his shoes and jacket to retrieve her from the water. With the splash of water after he'd jumped in, Rachel let out a loud giggle. As he submerged, she felt his arms wrap around her to bring her to the shallow end. She tugged against him the best she could.
"Just give it a second. I'm already starting to get used to it." She assured him.
"Okay, forget the buzz. You're totally wasted." He looked over her with a face of concern. "That's not the feeling of getting used to the cold, Rachel. That's the feeling of losing all feeling in your body from the icy water."
"I'm fine, Jamey," she promised.
"Your lips are turning blue," he laughed.
"So are yours," she returned it.
In that moment, she took in his face with her eyes. She could sit here and tell all that she paid attention to the way that his features curled into a kid-like expression as he laughed with her. But, she'd only be lying. All she could think about in this moment was the dark brown hair, dark amber eyes, and those distinctive freckles around his nose that she'd skimmed with her fingers many-a-night. In the moment unfolding before her with Jamey, the only person that she could see in front of her was him; Finn.
And she guessed that it'd tripped up her drunken head a little more than her sober self would have liked it to. With the swiftest of motions, her arms were wrapped around his neck and her lips were placed against his.
It was definitely a foreign feeling to her; which was acceptable seeing as though she'd only ever kissed one person. She knew it was anything but right. Jamey was a very good guy and a really good friend to her. She shouldn't be doing this to him. However, when she looked at him, she only saw Finn. This only caused her to further things.
He moved them to the steps leading into the shallow end. Her grip tightened around the metal handle bar when his lips found their way to her neck. She threw her head back in pure ecstasy as her clothes clung to her, remembering that night against the side of her house at her graduation party.
However, before her mind could run further, Jamey was pulling away. Opening her eyes, everything fell away, leaving her in a state of confusion and panic. At this moment she realized what she was really doing.
"We can't do this, like this…" he told her. "You're drunk, and I'm…" He trailed off before returning to his train of thought.
"I know I joke around a lot and flirt, but the truth is… I'm falling for you, Rachel. And, that terrifies me because it's so soon after my heart has been broken by my ex, Brandie, and you're so much younger than I'm used to."
Her chest clenched at his revelation. "Y-You're falling for me?"
""Unwillingly," he assured her. "But, yeah."
It took these words to pull her back to a reality she hadn't realized she'd ditched within the past few hours; the same reality she'd woken up to this morning.
"There's nothing here for you anymore. So, just stop trying so hard. It's really annoying; you're really annoying."
"I don't want you here."
"And I don't want you."
Gosh, she was such a walking contradiction. She started the day off thinking that it was time to finally start trying to stand up for herself to him and the moment he placed his hand against her cheek, all things from her mind were drained. She wondered if that would ever change.
It won't if you don't do anything to change it, her conscience told her.
Looking to the guy sitting before her on the top step of the pool, she realized that it was finally time to bring herself to make the decision she started the day off saying she would make. Should she keep fighting or call it a day and throw in the towel? The choice was hers to make right now. It was hers for the taking. Jamey was in front of her and hers for the taking. Finn, however, wasn't…yet. She sighed at her indecisiveness. It didn't help that she was under the influence. Nor did it help that the other guy was the brother of the girl preventing Finn's availability, which would have allowed her a lot more access, making the healing process a lot easier for both of them.
Her thoughts were only interrupted when Jamey placed a hand to her arm. "It's been five minutes," he joked. "I was starting to think that you got lost in there," he said, pointing to her forehead.
"I'm sorry," she replied.
"You don't have to apologize to me," he assured her. "It's a lot to take in. I understand."
"It's not that," she assured him.
"Then what is it?" he pressed for information.
"It's just that I'm-" she couldn't figure out what to say. "I'm just-" He watched her closely as she made an idiot of herself, struggling over her words.
"You're what?" he asked.
"I'm-" She finally decided that she'd had enough with her mind. Shutting every thought process out of her brain, she spoke again.
"This morning, Quinn asked me to send in my R.S.V.P to her wedding."
"Okay?" he asked. "What's that got to do with anything?" He chuckled despite his obvious confusion as to where she was going with this.
"My R.S.V.P for a date," she informed him. He nodded, now understanding.
"So, would you like to be my date, Jamey?
"You already know the answer to that question," he smiled, placing another kiss to her lips. This time, she didn't see Finn. She only saw the unfolding of a future version of herself where she could learn to move on and finally make decisions for herself again.
And, in the moment, it felt somewhat okay. She knew that the decision she'd just made would probably only last until the next time she came face to face with Finn. But, in the moment, she felt empowered. It felt like the right thing to do.
She didn't want to give up this easily, but she was tired of feeling tired. She was tired of being dragged through the dirt at the hands of the enemy. She was tired of the way her heart felt when she was around to witness the love of her life playing around with another.
She knew that Jamey was a good guy and when she was with him, she felt like herself. That was something she hadn't felt in such a long time. She told herself that no matter what she felt for Finn in the moment, this was the best thing for her right now. She'd finally be able to do something she'd absolutely repelled in New York.
And their lips moved against each other, she felt terrified. It wasn't necessarily because of the fact that she would possibly hurt Jamey's feelings in the process. It was because of another possibility that had just dawned upon her.
What if Jamey was finally that one person? What if he was finally that person whom she avoided looking for in New York, no matter how many times she told Santana that she was still in desperate search for? What if Jamey was that one guy, out of many, who would finally be enough to help her move on from Finn, forever?
When he pulled away again, she watched his eyes slowly flutter open. "I think we should probably get out of this water if we want to be able to walk at that wedding." He laughed, standing up and holding his hand for her to take.
"I think you're right," she smiled, standing up next to him. And, despite all of the things going through her head at the moment, she reached forward and took it.
So, there's chapter 18... Sorry it's been a full week. I hope to be able to update soon. I hope this chapter gives a hint of relief to some of you, though. Things are definitely starting to build up from here. I'll tell you that much. Also, the song that Rachel was singing in the beginning is called "Camouflage" by Selena Gomez. For copyright purposes, i'm going to state that i do not own this song. That's it! I hope you all enjoy this chapter and i hope to hear from all of you in the review section. :)