The Joker drove across town to a brownstone building, half-dilapidated and half-pristine, and knocked loudly on the front door. He heard noises from inside and knocked again.

"Who is it?" growled a familiar voice.

"The Joker, Harvey! The one and only! Property of DC Comics!" shouted Joker.

"What?" asked Two-Face, puzzled. "What's DC Comics?"

"Never mind – just let me in, Harv!" snapped Joker. "I need to talk to you!"

There was another growl, and then the door opened a crack to reveal Two-Face in his bathrobe. "This really ain't a good time, J…" he began.

"Oh, c'mon, Harvey, it's an emergency!" cried Joker. "I don't care if you're in flagrante with the Weed Lady – everyone knows you two are still kinda together anyway! There's no need to be embarrassed about it anymore than anyone would be embarrassed for sleeping with someone who sleeps with plants!"

"Uh…no, we ain't actually together anymore, J," said Two-Face slowly, glancing inside.

"Yeah, yeah, I know – she don't wanna commit, so you ain't official, you just casually hook up from time to time," snapped Joker. "It's no secret, Harv, and no reason not to let me in, as long as she's decent. There are some things I just don't wanna see!" he chuckled.

"Look, J, just beat it!" hissed Two-Face. "I don't care what emergency you got – I'm busy! Come back in about an hour, would ya?"

He slammed the door in his face. "You don't tell the Joker to come back in an hour!" shouted Joker. "Nobody tells the Joker to come back in an hour! Honestly, I leave for two weeks and I'm already losing my goddamn respect in this town," he muttered, heading around the back of the building. He wrenched down the ladder for the fire escape and climbed up, taking the stairs up until he reached a window. He was about to break it open, when he looked inside and his jaw dropped.

The window looked into Two-Face's bedroom. And lying on his bed, naked and tangled in the sheets was a very familiar figure.

"Pussypie!" cried Joker, knocking on the glass and waving at her, smiling.

Catwoman looked up at the window, and her face fell in horror. "Harvey!" she shrieked, clutching the blankets and making sure she was covered.

"What?" said Two-Face, emerging from the bathroom. She pointed to the window, and both his faces too fell in horror. "Oh no," he muttered. "Of all the people I didn't want to know…"

He wrenched open the window. "I thought I told you to beat it!" he snapped.

"Oh, I will now, Harv!" laughed Joker, grinning. "I have some phone calls to make, and some people to see! The big question is, who do I tell first? The Plant Lady or the Bat Freak?"

"Get in here!" growled Two-Face, seizing him by the collar and pulling him through the window. "Selina and I aren't doing anything wrong, y'know! We're both single, consenting adults!"

"But don't you dare tell Ivy," snapped Selina, keeping the blanket firmly wrapped around her as she reached for her clothes. "Or Batman."

"Why not, if you're not doing anything wrong?" chuckled Joker. "Surely you don't have anything to hide? You're not afraid of them, are you?"

"No, but why rock the boat?" demanded Selina.

"Because it's a fun thing to do, pussy pooh," retorted Joker. "Which, incidentally, is probably Harvey's exact sentiments about you."

"Look, Ivy would flip if she knew, because she's crazy," said Selina, ignoring him. "And she believes in this unwritten women's law that we're not supposed to date each other's exes. And Batman…"

"Doesn't need another excuse to beat the crap outta me," finished Two-Face. "So just keep this under your hat, J."

"Don't you worry, Harvey – I can be discreet," said Joker, smiling at him. "With my friends, of course. My friends who help me out when I have emergencies and need information. Otherwise I just like to spread happy news about people I know who are in new, happy relationships. Just to share the love."

Selina and Two-Face shared a look, and then Two-Face sighed in resignation, gesturing to a chair. "What do you want, J?"

"You may have heard the papers reporting several crimes of mine which Batman has failed to stop," said Joker, sitting down across from him.

"Yeah. So? You here to gloat?" asked Two-Face.

"On the contrary, Harvey – I'm not at all pleased about the situation," snapped Joker. "Considering I didn't commit those crimes. I've been away from Gotham for two weeks. Somebody has been impersonating me in my absence."

"Why would anybody wanna do that?" asked Selina. "Surely nobody could ever want to be you?"

"I don't see why not," retorted Joker. "I do have it all – the royal flush. Looks, brains, sense of humor, talent…"

"Ego," agreed Two-Face. "But Selina's right – it does seem an odd thing to do. This guy's either just plain crazy, or hoping to gain something you have."

"Probably Batsy's love and respect," said Joker. "But those things can't be bought just by pretending to be me, y'know."

"He doesn't feel either of those things toward you," retorted Selina. "Sorry to burst your bubble. But he does think this guy is you, so he's good enough to fool him."

"And how do you know that, Kitty?" asked Joker. "Been sheet surfing, have you?"

"No," retorted Selina. "Batman and I decided to give our relationship one last try last week, but he left in the middle of our date to fight you. He said that you were even more clever and dangerous than usual. I told him I was glad he liked that type of man, because he was losing that type of woman forever if he left me. Which he did."

Joker stared at her. "He…he said that?" he asked, looking hurt. "More clever and dangerous than usual?"

"So this guy ain't just a rank amateur, J," said Two-Face. "He's good. He knows you well enough to fool Batman."

"And Harley," said Joker, glumly. "But who the hell is he, Harvey? You must know the score – you're the number two villain in this town! What's the 411 on him?"

"There is no 411!" snapped Two-Face. "Everyone thinks he's you!"

"Is there anyone we know who could pull off something like this convincingly?" asked Selina. "What about Clayface?"

"Nah, Karlo's got a sense of humor," replied Joker, shaking his head. "He'd know that alphabet explosions aren't funny. And anyway, there's no motive. If Karlo wanted to cause chaos and terror, he'd do it as himself. The guy's too big of a ham to let other people take credit for his work – he's an actor."

"J's got a point," agreed Two-Face. "I don't think this is one of the Arkham regulars. We're all massive egotists, and we all hate J too much to want to give him credit for our own work."

"So he's an outsider?" asked Selina. "Somebody who's just studied up on you, J? And why would he do that? Why would anyone want to be you?"

"Hey, there are a lot of great things about being me!" snapped Joker. "I don't have to wait in line for things – people always just usher me to the front, for one thing!"

"I doubt a guy would go through all this trouble just to cut in line," replied Two-Face, sarcastically. "Maybe he wants to kill Batman."

"No, that can't be it," said Selina, shaking her head. "Batman was complaining about the crime scene being empty when he arrived. If he wanted to kill him, he'd either stay and fight, or set a trap for him, and he hasn't done either."

"So we don't know who this guy is, or what he wants," said Joker, nodding. "Good start." He looked at Selina. "Are you still in contact with Batman?"

"I might be," she replied. "Why?"

"Because if anybody can figure out who this imposter is, it's him," retorted Joker. "Tell him if he finds him, I'll kill him, so he doesn't have to get his hands dirty."

"I'm sure he'll be really eager to take you up on that offer," sighed Selina, rolling her eyes.

"He should be," agreed Joker, ignoring the sarcasm. "Or he'll be the one having an identity crisis, not me. Since that's not the real Joker, he's not the real Batman, because real Batman only fights real Joker. And without Batman…who is Joker?"

"Just some random nutcase, I guess," said Two-Face, standing up. "Now if that'll be all, J, Selina and I have some things to do."

"Yeah, sorry, don't let my identity theft ruin the mood," said Joker, smiling as he headed for the door.

"And remember, J, this is our little secret!" shouted Selina after him.

"Lips are sealed, pussykins!" giggled Joker. "Lips are sealed!"