An angry knocking sounded on the front door a few hours later, interrupting Harley's delightful afternoon. "Joker! You come here this instant and atone for your crimes!" shouted a familiar voice.
Jonathan Crane stood outside with his arms folded across his chest, his face the picture of fury. Especially since in response to his knocking and shouting, all he heard was Harley and Joker's boisterous love-making.
"Oh yes, puddin'! Oh yes, yes, yes! Oh, you're an animal! Take me harder, you big, dirty beast! Oh, harder! Oh yeah, that's it! Oh, Daddy, I've been such a bad girl! Spank me hard! Oh, right there! Oh, puddin', you always know just how to get your Harley's engine revving hard enough to explode! Oh God! She's about to explode again, puddin'!"
Crane shut his eyes to try to block out any mental imagery he might be having, and continued to try to make himself heard over the din. "I mean it, Joker! I'm not leaving until you come out of her…uh…come out here and face me like a man!"
He heard Joker's distinctive chuckle. "Be with you in a second, Johnny! Don't you worry – I'm…coming!"
"Oh God, what a man! Oh, oh, oh, oh…OH PUDDIN'!" screamed Harley, with a screech that might have shattered flimsier glass. "Oh, you're a sex god!"
When the Joker opened the front door a few moments later, dressed in his bathrobe and smiling smugly at Crane, it was to the other's infuriated expression, his hands balled into fists and shaking.
"What can I do ya for, Johnny?" he asked, gesturing him inside. "Sorry to keep you waiting, but you know what it's like when you're in the middle of things, and your dame just won't let you quit, and keeps begging you to shove it in harder…oh wait, sorry, you don't know what that's like!"
"I've had just about enough of you, you disgusting excuse for a human being!" hissed Crane. "It's not enough that your very existence is a plague upon the earth, but you also have to spend your days frustrating and interfering with my plans!"
"Hey, the only person I've interfered with today is Harley," snapped Joker. "And she's anything but frustrated!" he chuckled.
Crane had raised his fist when Joker pulled a gun out from the pocket of his bathrobe. "Go ahead and hit me, Johnny, and I'll do you the favor of killing you!" chuckled Joker. "It's not like your life is important to anyone anyway!"
"Johnny, what are you doing here?" asked Harley, entering the room at that moment and beaming. She too was dressed in her bathrobe, her hair wild and loose, and her face indescribably happy.
"H…Harley," stammered Crane, lowering his fist as he stared at her. "Good afternoon. You're well, I trust?"
"Oh, I'm just perfect, Johnny!" sighed Harley, gazing at Joker in adoration. "Feeling just fabulous! Like every inch of me has been coated in honey and happiness!" she purred, draping herself over Joker and kissing his cheek.
"Well, that's…quite an image," stammered Crane.
"Lemme get you boys some drinks," she said, heading for the kitchen. "I know puddin' needs to hydrate himself after burning off all that yummy sweat…"
Joker spanked her as she left, murmuring, "Don't be too long, my saucy little minx," and Crane's jaw tightened in fury again.
"Now you listen to me, you useless waste of oxygen!" hissed Crane. "How dare you?!"
"Well, I think I kinda have the right - she is my girlfriend…" began Joker.
"Not that!" interrupted Crane, furiously. "After I spend months and weeks talking of nothing else, how dare you sabotage my scheme?!"
"What scheme?" asked Joker.
"Don't play dumb!" snapped Crane. "Even though you are an idiot of the first degree, you're just smart enough to make a horrendous nuisance of yourself! My scheme to blow up the Dini Dam and flood the city with fear-gas-tainted water! Today was the day I had planned to implement it, only last night, I find that the dam has already been destroyed by none other than the Joker!"
"Well, don't blame me," retorted Joker. "I was asleep in bed all night. Ask Harley if you don't believe me," he said, nodding at Harley as she entered carrying a tray of drinks.
"Ask me what?" she said, setting the tray down.
"Was the Joker with you all of last night?" demanded Crane.
"Yeah," said Harley. "Why?"
Crane's glare turned to confusion. "No…no, that's impossible, there are witnesses saying the Joker was the one who blew up the dam! You mustn't lie for him, Harley, even if he's asked you to, like the poisonous serpent he is…"
"Oh, screw you, Professor!" snapped Joker. "Oh wait, that's right, nobody ever has!"
"Boys, boys, let's not fight!" said Harley, stepping in between them as Crane lunged forward. "Johnny, I ain't lying! Mr. J's been away, and he only returned to Gotham yesterday! He's being impersonated, and the imposter is obviously the guy who blew up this dam!"
Crane stared at her. "Why on earth would anybody want to impersonate him?" he demanded, throwing a finger at the Joker.
"Well, I hate to say it, but it's all because of little ol' me," sighed Harley. "The guy who's impersonating him is…someone I used to know. A childhood sweetheart of mine, I guess you'd call him. A guy called Ricky Sorkin."
Crane's face became even more incredulous. "W…what?" he stammered.
"We grew up together in Brooklyn," explained Harley. "He was in love with me, but…something happened to him that made him snap. I dunno what, but it must have been something terrible, because he's completely lost it now – he says he is Mr. J, and he hopes becoming him will make me love him at last."
"You…you said Ricky…Sorkin?" said Crane, slowly.
"Yeah. Why? You know him?" asked Harley.
"No," said Crane, hastily. "No, only…the name is slightly familiar…excuse me, I have to make a phone call," he said, leaving the room suddenly. He shut the door and then grabbed his phone out of his pocket, dialing the number with trembling fingers.
"Pick up, pick up, pick up!" he hissed.
The phone clicked. "Hello?"
"Jervis? It's Jonathan."
"Yes, I know – you're the only one who ever calls me," retorted Jervis Tetch on the other line. "How are things going with the Joker? Have you made him rue the day he crossed you yet?"
"No, not yet," growled Crane.
"I'm as surprised as the March Hare being surprised it's tea time," said Tetch, dryly. "Which of course means I'm not at all surprised."
"Oh, do stop talking nonsense, Jervis, and listen to me!" snapped Crane. "Do you remember that young man I tested my new strain of fear chemical on a few months ago? The one that went horribly wrong?"
"The one you hadn't realized I was testing my mind-control device on simultaneously?" asked Tetch. "Yes, I remember very clearly. His mind broke because you overloaded it."
"You overloaded it!" snapped Crane. "If you had just left a note telling me you were already testing your mind-control on him, I would never have injected him with fear gas! But the overload of stimulus on his brain caused it to collapse, and turned him into a gibbering wreck!"
"Well, you said you were sure he'd be fine!" snapped Tetch.
"Obviously he wasn't going to be fine – I just wanted to wash my hands of him!" retorted Crane. "But what was his name, Jervis? Do you remember that? It was Ricky something, wasn't it, judging by the cards in his wallet? Ricky S…"
"Ricky Sorkin, I think," supplied Tetch. "Why? Does it matter?"
"Oh yes, I believe it just might," sighed Crane. "Thank you, Jervis. I just need to figure out a way to tell Harley."
"Tell Harley what?" asked Harley, who had just left the room to go refill Joker's glass.
"Nothing," said Crane, hanging up the phone suddenly. "Only…only Jervis and I…might have…um…accidentally…tortured and…broken the mind of…er…Mr. Sorkin."
Harley gaped at him. "You did what?" she gasped.
"It was an accident!" he protested.
"How can you accidentally break someone's mind?!" shrieked Harley.
"Harley, I promise you, we had no idea the man was a friend of yours," said Crane, sincerely. "We thought he was just a regular nobody, like the rest of the people in Gotham! If he had mentioned your name at all during the torture, we would have done our best to repair the damage…"
"How could you, Johnny?!" sobbed Harley. "Oh God, poor Ricky! No wonder he's so messed up! Why couldn't you have checked before you just randomly torture people, Johnny?!"
"Look, I'm sure the Joker doesn't do background checks on everybody before he tortures them!" snapped Crane. "It's an honest mistake – could have happened to anyone!"
Harley shook her head, heading to the bedroom to shower and dress. "I gotta find him and try to help him," she whispered. "And when I do, you better be ready to apologize to his face for what you did to him, Johnny!"
"Harley, I swear, I didn't know the man was an admirer of yours!" called Crane after her. She slammed the bedroom door, and Crane sighed, heading for the front door to leave. "If I had, I would have just killed him when I had the chance," he muttered. "The last thing I want is more competition…"