She'd expected that it would've been harder. But standing in her sisters room felt strangely familiar and safe. The paint on the wall was soft yellow-orange, like the sunlight. And for a moment she felt embraced by the atmosphere of love and sweet memories. It was as if time stood still. And in a way it had, because her mom had left everything in its place. Something JJ had recognized in several mothers of victims in the cases that they had worked on.
She took a few steps toward the desk of her big sister. Hotch had respectfully not entered the room, to give her a moment to be in here alone and to go through the private stuff alone. She let her fingertips touch the books and photo frames.
Her mom must've recently cleaned everything, since there was barely any dust.
She remembered lying on her sisters bed when she was little, pointing her feet in the air, waiting for the nail polish to dry. Sometimes Ros would have, what she called, her beauty day and she would polish her nails, do her hair, put a beauty mask on. And she let JJ come in and join her, no matter how young as she was.
JJ took place on the bed and buried her face in the soft pillows. She was surprised by a very weak scent, and as soon as she noticed it, it was gone. She spread her arms and touched the sheets.
Who could've thought that it was so nice to be here again.. Not only in her room, but also back in the memories..
She could lay here all the day, but in the back of her mind a voice started to insist that that wasn't the reason why she was here.
JJ had to pull herself out of the childhood memories and back into the physical room she was in.
The first thing she could think of was to find her sisters diary. She knew that Ros had had one. One with puppies on its cover. But she wondered whether or not her mom would've moved it. She could imagine that after Ros died her mom would like in her diary for answers, but at the same time she could also imagine that her mom would respect her privacy even after her death.
The first place she looked at was the little nightstand. She hesitated, what she was about to do felt really wrong. Searching for her diary, for private information, secrets.. Something they had done with all their victims without even giving at a second thought.
She pushed the thought away. She didn't want to overthink it.
JJ opened the top draw. In it she saw a bundle of old photo's. The first couple were pictures of her and some friends, laughing in the camera, hugging and embracing each other. Other pictures were of her and their mom. And one of her dad kissing Ros on the forehead. One that caused an extra sting that JJ tried to ignore and quickly put the photo's away.
She continued searching. Old magazines, lists of cute famous boys, old nail polishers that were long dried up and a french novel. She held the small book in her hands and stared at it. Her sister loved France. It was her dream to go to Europe and to study in Paris. A dream that would never come true.
She blinked a couple of times.
She heard a soft knock on the door.
"Yes?" she answered with a voice that didn't sound like her own.
"JJ, is everything alright in there?" she heard Hotch's voice coming from the other side of the door.
"Yes, I am fine, but I haven't found something yet" she said, hoping that he wouldn't come in.
"It's okay, take your time, if you need me I'm in the guest room, I want to take another look at the other cases" he said. Again she felt grateful towards him.
She gently put the stuff back in the draw.
She opened another draw, but again couldn't find her diary.
The next place where she looked was the desk.
There she found a heavy, blue book. The school yearbook!
JJ felt adrenaline rushing through her veins, making her heart beat loudly.
She scanned through the pages. Her eye felt on the photo of her sister. She quickly closed the book and put it aside. She would look it through with Hotch later.
First she had to find the book with the puppies on the cover.
When she use to have a diary she always put in her night stand. She scanned the room. Bookshelf, closet, mirror, shoes, chair, posters.
JJ sighed.
She had the feeling that she was overlooking something..
Where would she hide something if she was 17 years?
Could it be?
She kneeled in front of the bed and took a look.
JJ stretched her arms and felt how her fingertips touched a hard surface. She pulled a wooden box from underneath the bed.
It seemed like a self made box that JJ had never seen before. It was a simple box with a small golden lock on it.
She felt the heaviness of it, but it wasn't just because it was made from wood. She could feel that this box contained answers.
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Hotch wondered how JJ was doing. How she felt? Was she scared, or sad or had she distanced herself from her feelings?
He looked again at all the pictures in front of him.
Girls and women killed in different ways, all in the woods, the environment where JJ had met him for the first time.
For some reason he kept thinking about Hailey.. the thought that JJ was threatened with death like Hailey was, was more than he could bear.
Threatened like he threatened and then murdered these women in front of him. All in different ways, as if he wanted to show JJ all the ways in which he could've killed her that day. He could've easily strangled her like he initially started, but then taunted her with a knife. This victims were more than just breadcrumbs. It was a display of power. Look at me, I can kill you at any age, in any way I choose!
Hotch gently took the photo's in his hands and put them back in the boxes from Smitty. He had seen enough to 'deliver the profile' he thought bitterly.
JJ was in her sisters room for almost an hour now, but he didn't want to rush or push her.
He felt a buzz from his phone.
Incoming call: Garcia.
"Yes Garcia" he answered in his boss voice.
"Hi, I'm sorry I don't really know if your are working or not, but I tried to track down the phone calls like you requested.."
"Yes, and what did you find?" he asked hoping for that small chance that Garcia would come up with a name.
"Not much, sorry sir, he used a disposable cellphone, you know those cheap ones you can buy at many stores. So I have no name."
"Okay, well it was worth a shot, I'll call you if I need anything else" Hotch couldn't totally hide the stress and disappointment.
"Okay uhm sir, is this for a BAU case you're working on? Cause otherwise I'm pretty sure I'm not authorized to do this" Garcia asked hesitantly.
It annoyed Hotch that out of all the persons in his team, Garcia was the one that suddenly was concerned about the rules.
"It's a preliminary investigation, if I find enough to go on, I will make it a BAU case. Don't worry I will get the papers in order. But Garcia?"
"Yes sir?"
"For now, let's just keep it between us two."
He could hear Garcia giggle at the other end of the line. Probably because they both knew very well that the person that always followed the rules and played by the book (and made damn sure that others, especially Garcia, did so as well) was the one stepping out of line.
"We'll do boss. Garcia out" and with that she'd hung up.
Hotch put his phone back in his pocket.
This was going to cost him some authority points.
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"Hotch?" JJ said in a small voice behind him.
She could see that he didn't heard her come in the room. He quickly turned around.
"Hey, how are you? Could you find something?" he asked with his eyes focused on the wooden box and the yearbook she was holding in her hands.
Suddenly JJ felt very vulnerable. She knew that the stuff she was holding was so personal for her sister, and now not only did she, her little sister found it, but she was also going to share it with another man.
She couldn't stop herself from blushing.
"Yes I found a box underneath her bed, and I found a yearbook from school" she sat down next to Hotch and handed him the yearbook. The box however she held tightly to her chest. So couldn't bring herself to share it already. Hotch must have noticed it since he didn't make any moves to take it.
"Was that Garcia on the phone?" she asked.
"Yes, but he used a disposable phone, she had no name for us" JJ gave a short nod at his answer, they both knew it was a long shot.
"Did you see anything new?" she looked at the boxes from Smitty.
Hotch took a breath, there was no easy way around this.
"I think that by killing women of different ages and killing them in different ways he's making a statement that he can kill his victims at any age, in any way he wants. Pure narcissist."
"You mean that he could've killed me at any age, in any way" she said with a straight face.
Hotch only nodded.
He looked at the blonde agent, blinking her eyes, trying to get her head around the bizarre situations that she found herself in. The words seemed so unreal.
The thought that someone out there was sending her the message that he could've killed her any time, any method was so incredibly gruesome that it was as if they were not talking about her, but about just another case.
Hotch looked down at the yearbook.
"JJ?" he asked carefully "have you looked inside this book?"
JJ looked at her hands.
"No" she said as neutral as she could.
"You realize that his face might be in here?" he frowned.
That was exactly the reason why she hadn't looked in it, but she couldn't tell Hotch that. Hotch that years ago put his whole heart in the Reaper case. And when Hailey was threatened he put everything on the line to find Foyet. Hotch who was so strong, that if their places were switch he would've immediately looked into the book. No doubts, no fears. But she wasn't Hotch, she was afraid to see the face of that man again.
"Ofcourse I do Hotch" she said more sharply than she meant "but to be honest I don't think he's from this town. When I saw him in the woods, I didn't recognize him. And in this small town everyone knows everyone."
"I know, and you're probably right. But their paths must've crossed somewhere. Either long enough for him to gain your sisters trust and actually make her fall in love with him and start a relationship with him.."
JJ was about to protest, but Hotch held his hand up and continued "... or he has delusions and saw your sister and told himself that he was in a relationship with her. But if you look at the level of fixation on her and therefore on you, I can imagine that your sister might've actually been in a relationship with him."
"No Hotch! My sister would never date a creep like him!" something in his words made her so upset. She knew it wasn't reasonable, but the thought that her sister was actually falling for a psychopath was too much.
She stood up, ready to leave this house, this place.
Hotch stood up as quickly as she did.
"JJ, don't" he said, for a brief moment touching her shoulder, as if he wanted to make her stay but at the same time didn't want to use force on her.
"JJ, it doesn't say anything about your sister. It's him, he is the psychopath. And psychopaths can make people fall in love with them. You know that. When you met him at the woods, you told me that he looked shy and smiled cute. He is full of charm and psychopaths use that. Look at all the victims that he probably made. Most of them he has probably charmed, sweet talked, lured. He knows how to use his charm. Any girl could have fallen for that, especially at a young age. They can come across as sweet and charming, even having fake confidence. And then someone steps on his toe, or even when he thinks someone stepped on his toe, the masks come off and his ego is hurt. They wear out the patience of people in their environment, and when people can't take it anymore they move. JJ, please, you can't rule out that they've actually dated. That he actually went the same high school, even if it was for a short period. There is a possibility that his face is in that book."
JJ looked at the book, internally struggling with her emotions, her fears. For some reason she was so angry at Hotch. Angry that he told her a truth she didn't want to know, angry that he was going to make her look for the unsubs face, angry that he somehow made his way into her private situation and imposed himself.
When JJ didn't reply, Hotch added: "we can all be blind when it comes down to love, and make wrong choices."
Just like me and Will.. JJ added in her mind. Was that what Hotch is suggesting? Somehow that even hurt more. The silent judgement of her superior on her own choices in love, as if bashing her sisters choices wasn't enough.
Why didn't he back off?
She grabbed the wooden box and held it even closer to her heart.
"JJ?" Hotch looked confused, not knowing what he said wrong.
At that moment her phone rang. Both looked up. Hotch couldn't read the expression on JJ's face. She slowly grabbed her phone and brought it to her ear.
"Yes.." she avoided eyecontact "...I'll be on my way"
Hotch silently looked at her, waiting for her explanation.
"That was my mother, it's not going good with Smitty. I have to go to the hospital" she said strangely emotionless.
Hotch could tell that she kind off shut down as a way to cope with this situation.
"I'll come with you" he said hasty.
"No. Thank you, but I want to be alone with him and my mother" JJ didn't want to be rude, and felt guilty towards Hotch that he travelled all the way here and she didn't let him come with her to the hospital, but she really meant what she said. She needed to be alone with Smitty. He meant so much for her, and she didn't want her boss with her. She didn't want to share that moment with him.
Hotch hesitated. He didn't want to impose, but he also didn't want to leave JJ alone now, especially not when she was upset.
"I'm sorry Hotch, it's nothing personal, it's just I need to be alone okay?" JJ apologized.
He shook his head.
"Don't worry, it's okay. I wish I could do something for you" he said.
JJ smiled a little bit. Even though the sides of her mouth curled up a bit, it made Hotch feel tenth times better.
"You're already doing so much. And I'm sorry that I dragged you in this mess with me."
"You didn't! I kind of dove in to it" he smiled back a little bit "and you're not the one who created this mess."
Before JJ realized what she was doing, she walked towards him and threw one arm around him, causing a semi-hug.
"Thank you Hotch" she whispered.