Chapter 19

As always, Donna10Girl has read this first and made my second language English better. Sorry for long between updates. I haven't forgotten or abandoned, I just can't find enough time to write. Reviews will always cheer me up.

Love from Kia.

After a very late second breakfast, they leave Sirius's cottage to join their friends across the street. James is not as heart-broken as Hermione has feared. She's seen Harry grieving for Sirius in her memories ever since they found out about Will Potter's death, and worried over how she'd cope with a repetition of that. It had been utter agony, where Harry's grieving only had been surpassed by her own quiet and shameful one. She'd felt she had no right to mourn Sirius like she did, which had made her grief even more painful. To remember those feelings in the face of the Harry look-alike who will one day become his father is something she has dreaded.

But James had his dad through all his childhood. Harry doesn't remember his dad. Oh, Merlin, it's James I mean. Now I have all these memories of James that Harry will never know.

She shuts her mind to the whole mess of Sirius becoming Harry's godfather, but away, falsely accused, under Harry's first twelve years, and then only allowed two years of trying to fill James's place in Harry's life. And then dying.

"What is it, Hermione?" Remus asks when he passes her with a box that gives off a growling sound. "You look a little queasy."

"Just a little tired," she lies.

"We'll talk later. Now I need to release these Bludgers, before they break the lock." He hurries off.

"Not a nice bed in Sirius's cottage, hm?" Lily whispers beside her and makes Hermione's cheeks burn.

"Oh, hush! I just… Never mind."

"I'm sorry, Hermione. I didn't mean to embarrass you. I'm really happy for you. And he's really happy." She nods in Sirius's direction. The four young men play Quidditch in May's garden, but the broomsticks are of a junior model and make the game look both funny and dangerous. "Are you… Everything good between you?"

"What do you mean, Lily? I'm not really that comfortable with…"

"No, no. I… eh, don't really want details about… I was just worried before. Sirius was in such a foul mood before you came. Not all the time, but he kept more to his cottage than I had thought he would. He just missed you, I guess. At least he's all changed now. Oh, that looked like it hurt!"

Sirius gets up from his fall off the small broomstick and limps to pick it up. He throws them a smile and Hermione's heart melts.

No game. He wants me here. He loves me. No game.

Hermione walks on clouds after her confession at Sirius's accusation about her time travelling. With the truth, well, part of it, out in the open she feels calmer and happier than ever. Sirius's openness with how he feels and the unmasked intensity of his declarations of love surprise her, and, even more, saddens her. The Sirius she knew, back in her other time, was as full of secrets as she has been, and even more controlled. But now, out of school and in a place far from his family, he is as easy-going and charming as Fred or George Weasley.

The memory of the previous night's love-making also gives Hermione a strong feeling of power, which both scares her and exhilarates her. She feels a blush creeping up her neck just thinking about it, but still can't stop smiling.

A little later Remus follows Hermione into the kitchen when she carries some glasses to the sink. She knows what he's going to ask and beats him to it.

"Yes, Remus. I have told him," she says with her hands in soapy warm water and her back to him.

"Oh, I'm glad. Was he… how did he…?"

"He found out before I could begin, but I've told him."

"He must have been furious."

"Well… Yes, he was, at first. But I've told him that I'll stay. Even after my missions are completed."

For once in her life she has made Remus speechless. She throws him a glance over her shoulder.

"I love him. More than I've ever loved anyone."

"Have you… eh, thought this through?"

What do you think I've been thinking of ever since I came?

She turns around to face him.

"Thought this through? Of course I have, and still, haven't. Do you think it's easy, that's it's a gift to know the future? To have all the answers, Remus? Even the ones you don't want? I know… I know horrible things that will happen, and I'm not allowed to change them. Not one of them. I will be here, in this time line, where you say I don't belong, and I will do good things. I will develop a potion to make it possible for you to have a life, among other things. I will apparently be around for Lily on a few occasions, because she will… need me."

Remus frowns.

"Need you? Need you how? What is going to happen to her? Why won't James or me…?"

"I can't tell you!" Hermione snaps sharply. "I can't, I mustn't and I won't. I can only tell you about now. This now. Your and James's and Lily's and Sirius's now. And Sirius wants me to stay here. Now. And I will."

She turns back to the sink and rinses the glasses. When Remus speaks again he is just behind her and she flinches.

"Then I'm glad for you. We've all fought our own personal wars growing up. Me with my… infection, Sirius with his family, Lily too; her family is as muggle as they come and doesn't accept her at all. Peter had a horrible childhood, poverty and an abusive father who made sure he was afraid of his own shadow when we started at Hogwarts. James has always been the one who kept us together and often believed more in us then we did ourselves. And now he's got to handle his grief after his father. I'm just saying… No, the reason I've been nagging you and threatening you, sorry for that, is that we are not as cool and carefree as our reputation upholds. These people are as close as family to me. And I have a slightly paranoid personality. I won't doubt you again, and I will try to manage some damage control if things don't work out as you hope and you have to leave us."

Hermione dries her hands on her jeans, turns around and throws her arms around Remus's neck. When his arms embrace her she experiences deja-vu: Remus in 1998, bleeding, war-weary and newly widowed, clinging to her in the partly destroyed library at Hogwarts.

Your wars haven't even begun yet, Remus. You'll be the only one left in twenty years, and your survivor's guilt might very well be the thing that kills you.

Hermione shivers at the bleak memory and suppresses a sob. Remus pulls her closer and whispers that he is sorry he hasn't trusted her as he should have done.

"It's OK, Remus. I would be disappointed if you didn't scrutinise my motives from all angles. You're forgetting that I've known you before. I know you are this thorough and fiercely overprotective."

With a bang the door slams open.

"Oi! Hands off! What is going on here?"

Sirius's dark features are as furious as when he tried to curse Tiberius McLaggen.

This man really needs some anger management.

Hermione takes a step away from Remus and laughs. After a second's hesitation Remus joins in. She takes Sirius by the hand, leads him out into the garden and around the corner to the shadowy north side of the house. She faces him with a raised eyebrow and smirks when he looks sheepish.

"I'm sorry," he mutters.

"For what?"

"For overreacting. For being jealous. For not trusting you. Or Remus."

"Can you, please, at least when we are here with no other people than your closest friends, try to control your temper? I would really, really like that. It's not attractive with all this jealousy." Hermione raises herself on her toes and kisses the side of his neck. He flinches but quickly snakes his hands around her waist. When he leans in to kiss her, she stops him with her fingers against his lips. "Because if you keep suspecting me to be with others behind your back, I won't let you kiss me at all." She unbuttons three buttons in her blouse while taking his hands away from her waist. "Or touch me."

"I do trust you," he growls. "I just… When I see Remus's hands on you, even in what I know is an innocent hug, and his hands are not under you clothes and you're talking, not kissing, my mind tells me what it feels like to hold you, and then I can't think, I just need you and I want you." He tries to cup her face, but she leans away. "Please."

She takes his hands and places them against the wall of the house on either side of her face.

"No touching. Not until you've heard me out." She reaches for his t-shirt and slides her fingers under it, stroking his skin. "No one touches me like you, Sirius, and no one ever will." She lets her nails graze his chest and he moans. She kisses his jaw, but ducks when he tries to kiss her back. "I'm not your possession, Sirius. Reacting like you do suggests I am."

"Of course you're not. Now let me…"

"No! And your way of reacting is also insulting to me. I want to be with you, Sirius. No one else. If you believe that you wouldn't have to go all mad when I interact with others. And I would really like that. Remus is an academic, like I…"

"And I'm just stupid…"

"No, you're not. You are one of the cleverest men I've ever met." She toys with the button on his jeans and he throws his head back and groans. "Now, if I let you touch me, take me back to your cottage across the road and let you do whatever you want to me, will you promise me to behave? Because your insane jealousy also implies a very poor self image."

Sirius straightens up and the look he gives her is defeated.

"And you shouldn't. You are clever and brave. You are good and righteous. You also have a hell of a background to fight, but I love you all the more for it, because I can see you fight and, most of all your victory over that background every day. You don't need to be someone else with me. I wouldn't love you as much if you were someone else." Hermione pops the button on his jeans and slides her hands inside. Sirius rests his head next to hers against the wall of the house and growls. "Did you listen to what I just said?"

He nods.

"And what is your feedback on that?"

Quick as lightening he cups her face with his hands and leans his forehead against hers.

"I need you."

He crushes his lips to hers in a searing kiss and Hermione instantly forgets why she was annoyed with him, his jealousy and his possessiveness. His tongue explores her mouth and his hands grab her bottom and grind her to him.

"Let's go across the road," he growls in her ear.

"But May made lunch…"

"Or I'll take you against this wall and I'll make you scream loud enough to bring an audience."

Sirius is already leading the way through the elderberry bushes around the Potter estate. They cross the road and the garden around his house. He slams her against the door of the cottage and unbuttons the rest of her blouse.

"Have you no idea what you are doing to me, Hermione? If anything, I'm your possession."

He pulls down her bra and bites her hard, and Hermione realises that the moaning is her own.

"Now, Miss Bossy, what do you want?"

"Unlock the door and take me inside," she pants.

"And then?" he growls. His eyes are black with desire and only a small part of Hermione's mind reminds her that she has seen glimpses of this raw need before, when she was too young, he too old and every circumstance was against even a glimmer of inappropriate affection. She gets the notion that it's up to her now to create that hellish dilemma for him later, but she can't undo it, she can't back away or even slow down.

"Take me."

Over the course of the summer Sirius's jealousy becomes less pronounced. Sometimes his devotion, love and desire scare Hermione. She feels she's in over her head. She will disobey Minerva McGonagall about returning, ever, but the forthcoming war will still come, Peter will still join the ranks of Voldemort, betray James and Lily, and Lily will die to protect her, not yet born, not even conceived, son and thus giving him the gift and strength of love that will one day destroy Voldemort himself. Sirius is more even-tempered with her, in love, young, relatively wealthy and carefree, but Hermione knows there will be no way to keep him calm and reasonable if anyone in their little group is targeted.

Targeted? Why hide behind words? James and Lily will be murdered. Anyone with half a heart would go mad, no matter how self-disciplined he is to begin with. When it comes to this brotherly love, Sirius's is like a sea of Fiendfyre. Can I prepare him?

But she knows it's a lost cause. Maybe she could prepare him for and convince him to let her go back to 1998, or later to leave a note. A good bye letter to Harry, Ron, Remus and others she care for, but prepare him for letting James and Lily die, after being betrayed by one of their close friends? Only a muggle robot would be able to do that.

Peter leaves them to spend time with his mother. Hermione breathes easier when he leaves, but she knows she needs to let go of, or at least hide, her disgust and even fear she feels around Peter. If she is too obvious in her true feelings for him, Sirius might start to doubt him too, and never allow Peter to become the Secret Keeper for James and Lily's whereabouts later. And it's vital that he is. It's vital that Peter betrays them, that history won't change its course, that baby Harry is blessed with the ancient gift of love stronger than life, the only magic Voldemort never will understand or respect.

When James and Sirius practice for their Auror training, Hermione and Remus discuss their next year at Hogwarts. Remus will focus on teaching the younger students basic Defence Magic, and even if Hermione also is going to teach a few classes every week, her focus will be researching the Wolfsbane Potion. She questions Remus about his experiences with different apothecaries' versions of the potion and compares their list of contents. The recipe for the potion sold by the Apothecary in Diagon Alley has more aconite than a potion Remus picked up in Edinburgh, and the side effects of the first were worse with fatigue, nausea and hallucinations.

"I really thought I was a wolf, Hermione. A starving wolf. All I felt was blood-thirst, but my body was too weak to move. It was like I was fully transformed, but without the ability to ease the utter ferociousness with running, hurting neither others nor myself. And I've never felt more thirsty for blood, anyone's blood. With the one I bought in Scotland I slept with the worst nightmares I've ever had, and somehow I knew I was asleep, but couldn't wake up."

"Oh, Remus. I can't imagine…"

"No. No, you can't. But you're trying and that's more than anyone's ever done for me. I know I can't expect Padfoot, Prongs and Wormtail to be around once a month forever, and I don't. I'm prepared to take a Dreamless Sleep Potion and lock myself in, but that won't stop the development of the infection and over time the Dreamless Sleep might loose its effect. And by that time the infection will have grown stronger. The idea with the original Wolfsbane Potion is to be an inhibitor drug that will prevent the infection to spread and grow stronger. The third Potion I tried, a Wolfsbane Lily bought when she was on holiday with her family last year, in France, I think, was better than the others. Here is the bottle, there is some potion left for you to analyse."

Hermione smells it before she reads the list of contents. Root of liquorice is surprising in such a complex potion.

"Professor Dumbledore has accommodated my schedule for next year," Remus continues. "I'll teach in three-weeks periods with self-study assignments for the students during… well, you know."

Hermione nods.

"And the others have said they will try to come as often as they can. It makes me feel like a burden to them. I really need them during the full moon, and their company keeps me distracted from what the infection does to me when it peaks once a month. The fury. The blood-thirst."

"Remus, they want to come, you know that. Why beat yourself…"

"Yes, I know they want to come. They know what might happen if they aren't there to keep me in check. I would love them to come during the new moon, or during a lunar eclipse, to see me, spend time with me, not roaming the hills to try and weary the monster inside me down."

"I don't think you are being fair, Remus. Neither to yourself nor the others. You are friends, brothers almost, of course they want to support you in any way possible."

"But it's not me! Hermione, didn't you hear what I said? It's not me, it's a werewolf! Every atom of it is the opposite of me. There is nothing left of me in it when the moon light hits."

I know. I saw you. You listened to you name seconds after your transformation. Then you tried to kill Padfoot.

"You have no idea what it is like to be someone else so completely," Remus continues, grief darkening his features to a much older man.

"No, I don't. I know of secrets, disguises, Polyjuice and pretence, but never without my own mind. Can I help you? I'll be at Hogwarts. Can I give you Dreamless Sleep and stay with you in the Shrieking Shack?"

"Are you mad? Of course not. Sirius would kill me if I even suggested it."

"I would kill you for what?" Sirius asks and flops down on the grass next to them. He is sweaty after practicing fighting with James, and his heaving chest and visible veins distract Hermione.

"She thinks she will in any way be near me during the full moon next year."

But Sirius doesn't contradict Remus with the four-letter curse Hermione expects. He wipes his forehead and sits up.

"Well, technically she might have to. She'll be working with the Wolfsbane Potion. Who do you think she'll need to test it on?"

Neither Hermione nor Remus answers. Hermione has kept that thought at the back of her head for weeks, but she knows Sirius is right. Professor Slughorn has mentioned something about applying for permission to administer the Wolfsbane she will brew on convicted werewolves in Azkaban. Hermione doesn't like the idea. How would she be able to tell if her variety of potion works with someone she doesn't know? A werewolf who welcomes the ferociousness and inhuman strength? If her potion enabled the werewolf some control without subduing the rage a new, and potentially even more dangerous, kind of werewolf could roam every full moon. Controlled and more lethal after taking her potion. She knows it has to be Remus. Or someone like him. A werewolf who hates what the infection does to him. She doubts that others in Remus position, if there are any, are easy to find. In her other time she could have conducted tests on Bill Weasley, whose infection was the mildest she's ever heard of.

Remus clears his throat.

He must have thought about it. He must.

"Um, I guess you are right, Sirius. And of course I will be an experimental animal. Hopefully my furry little problem might change into that badly behaved rabbit James so likes to indicate. But she can't do it alone! Sorry, Hermione, I'm talking over your head like this, but you just can't."

Hermione shivers and knows that he is right. She will never again knowingly risk being face to face with a fully transformed werewolf.

"I will come to Scotland every second weekend, at least," Sirius continues and winks at Hermione. "One of those weekends will be the full moon and James and Peter will join me whenever they can. I'm getting one of those permanent Portkeys, I'll be across Britain in seconds, albeit somewhat travel-sick. Hagrid can help too."

"Hagrid?" Hermione blurts.

"Yes, the gamekeeper, you know. He's part giant and the wolves fear giants. They're too strong and their skin is too thick. And apparently they give off some smell only wolves can feel. Hagrid, however, is not open with him being part giant, tries to keep it a secret despite his mother being 21 feet tall, and tells himself the werewolves don't attack him because he's so good with animals. So we have a nine feet gamekeeper who's good with animals. At least the ones who don't fear him. Ever wondered why Hagrid's not more attacked in the Forbidden Forest than he is? He is a great friend of animals, that's absolutely true, but the more monstrous beasts in the Forest keep their distance out of fear, even though Hagrid never would do anything to harm any living creature."

"You've already thought about this, haven't you?" Remus asks and Sirius nods.

"Yep. Have you spoken to Dumbledore about keeping the Shrieking Shack inaccessible to others next year as well?"

When Remus nods Sirius begins to explain the hidden entrances to the dilapidated, allegedly haunted house to Hermione.

"I know," she says before she can stop herself. Sirius looks surprised.

"You do?"

"Yes. I've been there. Through the tunnel than begins under the Whomping Willow."

That's where I first met you. I think you recognised me at once.

"But why? In your other time, what did you…?"

Hermione shakes her head.

"Never mind that now. I know about the Shack. I know Remus hides there during the full moon. I take it that is where he'll still be hiding when the moon is full next year. We can go there together, before the transformation, and you Remus can take whatever potion I've managed to brew. And you'll be there, Sirius?"

"Course I will. And before the end of the next academic year I will see my friend not transform into that scraggly canine. Right?"

"Let's hope so," Hermione mumbles, stretches out on the grass and closes her eyes.

Suddenly she is nervous about the task she has taken on for the next year. What if her potion proves more poisonous than the others Remus has tried? What if there are side effects? Bad side effects? Will it be safe for Sirius, if he's the only one of the Marauders who comes to stay with Remus? As if Sirius can read her thoughts she feels him lying down beside her. He mutters in her hair.

"Padfoot is quicker, smaller and smarter than the wolf. Don't worry."

She turns to him, shadows her eyes and looks into his smiling, grey gaze.

"But Padfoot won't be around forever to keep the wolf in check, if I fail."

"Why not? And besides, you won't fail."

He kisses the tip of her nose, rolls on his back and closes his eyes in the bright sunshine.

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