AN: I hope that this provides joy. A big ole thank you to my reviewers: Innocence2652 (thanks for the specific comments about the characters and descriptions; I feel greatly encouraged), Winchestersliveon for the encouragement, and legsinger (the dialogue is where I stress, so your encouragement made me so happy).
Gabe and Kali took a cab home earlier, so Cas and Dean rode home together alone. The silence in the car was thick and neither seemed to know how to cut through it. The silence followed them all the way back to the condo. Dean was walking behind Cas. He had placed a hand on Cas' back as they went through the door seemingly to steady him, as Cas was a little tipsy. "I suppose that I should say goodbye now. I will probably leave in the morning before you get up." Dean muttered as they made their way into the living room.
"Or, you could just say goodbye tomorrow. I will be awake." Cas began walking toward his room. He felt a world of desolation pressing down on his shoulders and his chest. He kept replaying Dean's words from the party in his mind. He kept repositioning them so that they were directed at him and not at Lucky. How had he misread the signals so much. I didn't. There it was that still small voice trying to coerce him into a world of hurt. Dean followed him into the bedroom and watched him as he turned and slumped down onto his bed. He was seated at the edge, his back arched forward as he looked down at Dean's shoes. Don't look at his face. That will make it easier.
"I feel like you are upset with me about something. What's going on, Cas?" Dean shuffled about in front of him waiting for an answer.
"I'm upset with myself. The evening was unpleasant." Cas chanced a look up at Dean's face then and quickly reverted back to the floor when he saw the look of concern, the look that was all too appealing to Cas.
"Did I miss something?" Dean stopped shuffling a little and leaned against the doorframe, pressing his hands into his pockets, "I thought that things were going well."
Cas felt the desperate need to just tell him everything. Lay it all out. It would be easier than pushing it all down. Bite the bullet, Cas. Just spill. Instead of directness, though, Cas went with another approach. "Lucky was certainly interesting wasn't he?"
"That's one word for him. What does he have to do with anything?"
"He seemed to like you." Cas chanced another look up at Dean's face and then off to the side.
"I'm a likeable guy." Dean seemed to be trying to lighten the mood then. Cas felt a slight smile tug at the edge of his lips.
"Yeah, you are." Cas let that hang there for a bit then looked back at Dean's face. He looked serious again like he couldn't understand why Cas would find him likeable. Cas suddenly felt like he needed to make him feel likeable. He felt like it mattered somehow. He once again though, chose a more circuitous route. "You told Lucky that you are not gay."
"Yes." Dean did not elaborate.
"Why did you do that?" Cas stared at him, wanting to understand how this man that held his hand in the dark, and made him feel like the world was made of stars, could be an impossible dream.
"Because I am not." Dean seemed to be growing uncomfortable with the conversation. Cas didn't know what to do.
"Hmm, well, that sucks." Cas continued to stare at him. A little irritation breaking through his dejection.
"Does it?" Dean asked quietly.
"Quite." Cas looked back down at his hands folded in front of him and continued, "When Charles left, I was done, just done. I didn't want anymore of the drama or the shit that came with letting someone in. So, I made a choice. I watched the world spin out around me, and I kept to myself, mostly. I had my friends. They filled the companionable gaps that Charles vacated. Everything else though, stayed empty and tucked away. I didn't need to fill those gaps. Then my stupid friends invited me out to a stupid bar and introduced me to a stupid beautiful man and everything got sent to Hell."
"Hey, I think I know that man." Dean tried to joke, but it failed when he saw how Cas' face looked up at him. "Sorry."
Cas continued, "I wish you could see the mess in my head for the last two years. Actually, I'm glad that you can't. I don't know. I just know that for the last year, I had been functional. I had been capable of going out with my people, and kind of living in the real world again. I had compartmentalized all that needed to be compartmentalized, and I was okay. Not good, but okay. I didn't expect you. Everything in me rebelled against the tight little existence that had served me so well for so long. I had a tiny battle in my head all last week. Funny how I have only known you for a week."
Dean was looking down at his feet as he leaned against the door frame. At first, he didn't speak, but Cas watched him. Then he said, "I've had an interesting week too. Between my head and Sammy's constant phone calls, I am not sure that I have had a moment's peace. He kept talking about you. All week, it was Cas this and Cas that."
"That must have been annoying." Cas kept watching his face as he spoke.
"Not like you think." Dean paused then. He took a step away from the door frame toward Cas. "I've been with a lot of women. More than I can even remember. Just women. So, when Lucky kept joking around, I responded. It was a response that I have tossed out before. It is a comfortable response. I've only been with women so therefore, I am not gay. At least that seemed like an acceptable response at the time."
"What would be the acceptable response now?" Cas continued looking up at Dean as he drew closer.
"When I was younger my dad made sure that there was only one response that I could have in these situations. You heard my response tonight. Back then, if it ever seemed like I was thinking differently, I got sent to camp."
"What do you mean?"
"I only told you about the hunting camp. I didn't mention the other camps. The last one was when I was 17. Benny had been over. Dad saw something that night that he didn't like. It was innocent, but that didn't matter. I went to camp. So, Cas I'm not gay. They prayed the gay right out of me." Dean was standing in front of him now and Cas continued to watch his face. He felt like he understood. He felt like things were starting to click.
"So, what are you saying?" Cas murmured.
"Maybe I'm not saying anything. I'm not good at that sort of thing. Sammy's the talker. I am sort of a doer." Dean bent down until he was at eye level with Cas, and Cas moved his arms out to the mattress. Dean knelt down in front of him, placing his hands on either side of Cas' thighs. "The problem is though, I fuck everything up. I am a giant mess. I think that you should not want this."
"I should be allowed to make my own choices." Cas felt Dean's hands move up behind his back then as he edged closer to him. His palms were warm against the small of his back, between his suit jacket and his dress shirt. He shuddered a little at the touch, the closeness.
"I don't have much to offer someone like you." Cas moved his legs apart a little and Dean eased closer to him. "I don't have any relationship skills whatsoever." Cas ran his hands up Dean's arms. He could feel Dean's hands on his back moving up along either side of his spine. They were wide open, fingers splayed out. The warmth of them pressing into him. "I am completely uncomfortable with who I am." Dean's forehead dipped down to rest against Cas'. "I wish that I was like you. I wish that I had your confidence."
"Dean, I don't have much of any confidence. I have doubts about myself, about everything, but maybe tonight I can have enough confidence for both of us." Cas bridged the gap between them then. Dean did not back away this time. His lips welcomed Cas with eagerness. Cas ran his hands up to Dean's face, feeling the slight hint of the day's new growth of stubble just poking through. He ran his hands back into Dean's hair and held him there. Dean pressed in closer to Cas, his hands moving up his back, tightening. His lips parted and Cas felt Dean's tongue take a long swipe through his mouth. He tasted of wine and the sweetness of dessert. Cas wondered about his own flavor, but only until he felt Dean withdrawing a little. The kiss passed from his mouth to his throat, nuzzling into his collarbone. Then Dean moved back and stared into Cas' eyes. Cas ran one of his hands from the back of Dean's head to his cheek. His thumb making slow circles of affection there.
Where do we go from here? Cas could see desire in Dean's eyes, but he saw something else too. He saw a touch of worry lacing the look. It was that look that made him pause in his thoughts. "I don't expect anything from you, Dean. This, right here, tonight, this is enough for me. I can wait for you." He saw the look of relief that danced behind Dean's stare.
Then the look changed a little to a look of confusion. "Wait, you don't want me?"
Cas laughed slightly, "A world of no. I have never in all my life wanted someone as much as I want you, but I am patient, somewhat. This isn't a race to the finish line. I will wait for you to feel like you don't have to hide who you are. I'll wait until you can look at me and not feel your Dad guilting you from beyond the grave. I will wait, and in the end, you'll be mine." Cas finished and felt Dean dip back toward him again, their lips meeting with intensity.
They parted again and Dean said, "I think I already am."
"What?"
"Yours." Dean stood then and Cas walked him to the door, one arm wrapped around his back.
"Go to bed, Dean, but don't leave without waking me up tomorrow." Cas placed a final light kiss on Dean's lips and released him. He turned back to his bed and smiled to himself as he readied himself for sleep. I'll never fall asleep tonight. He eventually slipped between the covers, brushing away stray kernels of popcorn from the night before. Licking his lips, the taste of Dean still lingering, he let out a sigh and closed his eyes.
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