Chapter Twenty

"Come on, Cas, you need to eat something."

Cas didn't even bother looking up from the T.V. screen. He had been huddled in the kitchen staring at it blankly for the past two days straight. He hadn't eaten, he hadn't slept, he had barely said a word.

"Cas," Sam repeated. He was growing seriously concerned about his friend. He desperately wanted to go check on Dean, but he was worried that if he left Cas in this state he would do something drastic. Or he would do nothing at all and simply waste away.

"Not hungry," Cas grunted.

He speaks! Sam crowed internally. "You should at least try," he urged. "It doesn't have to be much. A sandwich, an apple, even just a cracker."

"Why?" Cas asked dully.

"You need to keep your strength up."

"Why?"

"Because - Cas, you're human now. Your body needs food to live."

Cas shrugged, his gaze still fixed on the screen.

Sam switched it off. "Dude. You need to stop this."

Blue eyes dragged up to look at him, then, but they were dull and lifeless. "What's the point?"

"Cas, just because things didn't work out with Dean-"

"'Didn't work out'?" Castiel used air quotes, something he hadn't done in years. "Sam, he was having flashbacks because of me. You warned me and I didn't listen and I could have destroyed him."

"You left before that happened, though, right? He's okay."

Cas huffed a humourless laugh. "I doubt it. I let him fall in love with me and then I abandoned him."

"For his own good."

"He won't see it that way. I didn't even explain properly, I just left."

"You had to."

"I didn't have to break his heart. When he asked me to stay I could have just said no. I could have spared him all of this."

"Yeah, well, they say that hindsight is 20-20. What's done is done, Cas, you have to stop beating yourself up over it."

"You think this is guilt?"

"Isn't it?"

"Sam... I just lost my husband. Again. I'm not-" Cas fell silent and stared at his hands. His wedding ring caught the light; Cas clenched his fist and dropped it out of view under the table.

"Cas..."

"Sam, I can't. I just - just let me watch Netflix. Let me forget."

"You can't drown this out, Cas. If you don't face what you're feeling it is going to tear you apart."

Cas didn't answer him. He just stared at the blank screen.

"Cas, this isn't healthy. I can't let you-"

"Leave me be, Sam."

"Cas-"

"No."

"Look, man, I get it. Right now you're hurting. I know how painful this must be, but you can't just throw your whole life away-"

"I already did!" Cas swept the T.V. set off the table and sent it crashing to the floor.

The silence afterwards was deafening.

"Dean was everything to me," Cas said quietly. "He's all I had. He was- and he's gone now. You can't fix that, Sam. You can't fix me. So please just leave me alone."

Cas left the room and Sam heard his bedroom door close behind him.

Sam closed his eyes. He remembered a time when he had believed that Dean and Cas were finally going to have their happy ending. They had been in love and happy and their wedding had been the most chaotic, joyful affair that he had ever attended.

None of this should have ever happened. It shouldn't have ended this way. For anything they might have done wrong throughout their lives, they had already paid the price a hundred times over. They didn't deserve this.

Now Dean was lost and alone, and Cas was broken.

Sam had no idea how he was supposed to save either of them.

Needing to do something useful, he cleaned up the shattered remains of their television set. Cas wouldn't be binge-watching Netflix anymore, but that left him alone with his thoughts and Sam realised he might have done more harm than good.

He was going to lose both of them. The two people he cared for the most. He had consoled himself with the thought that letting Dean live without his memories was the best thing for him, but the truth was that Sam missed his brother. If he lost Cas too, he would have no one.

All because one damn monster had abducted Dean and Sam had failed to find him. The thing that had slowly but surely destroyed his family was still out there, and Sam didn't even know where to start looking. He wanted revenge. He wanted it dead. He wanted it to suffer and he wanted to taste its blood. He wanted to inflict the same agonies that it had inflicted on Dean. He wanted every monster on this Earth and below it to know that no one messed with the Winchesters and got away with it. The idea that it was still running around out there, free as a bird and taunting them made his blood boil.

He finally understood what his father must have felt when he was looking for the yellow-eyed demon. This was beyond what he had felt after Jessica's murder; this was anger mixed with fear. The hunt had consumed him; for almost a year he had been searching under every rock, in every sewer, in every dump and dive, questioning every potential witness, chasing every possible lead, and still he had nothing. It scared him, because as long as that foul creature was alive, Sam couldn't be sure his brother was safe.

He was torn between wanting to stay here to look after Cas, going out there to continue the hunt, and checking on Dean.

He had to check on Dean.

Sam snatched up his keys and took the stairs two at a time. He flung open the door-

And found Dean standing on the other side with his hand poised to knock.

"Oh good," Dean said. "I felt silly knocking to get into my own place."

"Dean? How-?"

"Seriously, Sammy? You went to Stanford. Work it out."

The revelation hit him like a freight train. "You remember."

"Give the man a kewpie doll," Dean said, pushing past him. "Where's Cas? Let me guess, sitting in the kitchen binge-watching Netflix."

"No-"

Dean paused halfway down the stairs and looked up at him. "No?"

"He, uh, broke the T.V."

Dean blinked. "Okay. Bedroom, then."

Sam closed the door and followed after him. "Dean, wait. What-"

"I have a bone to pick with my husband," Dean said. "You'll get your turn."

"Are you mad?"

Dean gave him an incredulous look. "What do you think?"

"Dean…"

"Don't give me the whole 'we were trying to protect you' and 'it was for your own good' speech, Sam, I don't want to hear it."

"We were just-"

"My life was stolen from me, Sam, and instead of trying to help me get it back you decided to continue where that bastard left off."

Sam's breath hitched. "You… remember what happened to you?"

"No," Dean said shortly. "There are still a lot of blanks."

"So, what do you remember?"

"Enough. No thanks to you."

"Dean-"

"Do you have any idea what it is like to remember the crap we have been through without any context whatsoever? I remembered beating Cas bloody and shooting that poor kid in the head – I didn't remember the Mark of Cain. I remembered going to Hell – I didn't remember that it was worth it because I was doing it for you. I remembered violence and blood and death – I didn't remember all the people we saved. I remembered hating myself, Sam, and I wanted to die. I needed someone there to explain the what, how and why of it all, but you left me alone. So yeah, I'm fucking pissed, and I think I have every right to be!"

Sam swallowed. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah, you would have been if you finally got off your ass to come and check on me, and found my brains splattered all over the floor."

The mental image was vivid and horrifying. Sam could hardly breathe. "What-what stopped you?"

"I remembered something else." Dean didn't elaborate. He stomped down the stairs and disappeared into the hallway, obviously in search of Cas.

Sam hoped that Dean would go easy on him. Cas was already in a fragile state and Dean yelling at him wouldn't help. Why was it that their best intentions always seemed to come back to bite them in the ass? They had just wanted to give Dean a new lease on life, free from the trauma of his memories and the burden of being a hunter. It was the sort of fresh start that Sam could only dream about, and a part of him had almost been jealous of Dean's clean slate.

He hadn't anticipated that Dean's memory would come back in bits and pieces. Sam remembered the agony he had felt when his wall broke and his Hell damage came flooding through; it had literally driven him insane. He should have realised that the same thing could happen to his brother. He should have been there for Dean to help him through it, the way Dean had for him.

"I'm sorry, Dean," he whispered. He could only hope that Dean would find a way to forgive him… and that he and Cas would be okay.

ooOOoo