Thanks for all of the kind thoughts. Mummabro, I was wondering if anyone was picking up on something there. taytay127 love the thoughts on Bobby's character. I always worry about getting the characters right. Master's daughter, glad you are still enjoying it:) Aloutte, glad my mildly creepy details kept you interested:) Lastly, welcome to the party Machan78. The characters are rapidly taking over much of my brain, so I am glad that you have enjoyed them. Also, thanks to all of you for putting up with the day off that I needed yesterday. Now on with the show...
Cas left Bobby in the kitchen and went to his room. He looked out the window for a bit and thought about what he had heard. Dean wasn't the only one that had to keep information close to his vest. Some of the things that Dean shared were far too familiar. He nearly cringed when he heard Dean mention the name of the drug. Hadn't Sam asked about something called the Alpha Strain? It doesn't have to be the same thing. He told himself this, but secretly he sensed that it was connected.
He couldn't say anything though. The law was pretty clear on that. He thought about the other connections too. In his readings on Ebola, he had learned about the way that the bats and primates had been involved in the spreading of the virus. He had read about the effects too. The bleeding from the eyes and the splotchy rashes that would commonly assault the victims. It was all too similar. He felt that Niveus was not innocent and that there was so much wrong with what he had learned today.
I don't know what to do. How do I keep this to myself? How do I keep this from Dean? He felt the overwhelming crush of emotions pressing on him as he considered his situation. Dean had worried over his secret life, thought that it might make Cas leave him. This secret would pale by comparison. I will lose him when he finds out what I know. Then Cas paused in his thought path. Realization blazed through him like a forest fire on a dark night. He already knows.
In fact, it made far more sense for Cas to assume that Dean knew where the drug was coming from, and that it had to be from Niveus. Things were clicking in Cas' head. He worried a bit. He wondered when Dean had realized the connection with Niveus. Was it before we met or very recently? He thought about the connection and walked over to the book case. He was overwhelmed. He craved distraction, anything to redirect his mind from the blooming chaos of his thoughts. He ran his hand along the rows of books feeling their spines with his fingertips..
He paused at the middle row. There was an old journal. It was leather bound and had seen better days. The brown cover was worn and a little fuzzy as leather often gets when it is regularly handled over time.
It was an unexpected find. He ran a hand over it and considered his next action. Open it? There is a sanctity that hovers over books of this type. Everyone knows of it, many respect it. Would he? He picked at the corner just a little. Just a peek. Just to see what it is. It was a weak rationale, but if he didn't think about it too much, it would be enough to propel action.
Before any dissenting opinions could be presented by his subconscious, he opened the journal. The first page was blank except for a single name at the center, John Winchester. Not Sam or Dean, interesting. He paused, but only briefly, and turned the page. The next page was filled with neat flowing script. It did not look like the writing of a modern man. He had read a lot of scrawling notes affixed to files and books-notes that were barely legible. Too many people had lost the skill in favor of a quick email or text. This writing was beautiful. He sat on the edge of the bed and began reading.
Mary said that I needed this. She said that a man of action needed a place for words. Today seemed like a good day to write. I am a father today. I never thought that this would be a part of my life. I never thought that I would have someone in my life that would depend on me. He looks so peaceful. I hope that I don't break him. He sleeps a lot. I thought that there would be more crying. Mary is sleeping now too. I watch her, and I watch him, and I don't know if anyone can feel greater joy than I do in those moments. We named him Dean. He is everything that is right in this world.
Cas stopped reading. Feeling like he had invaded some private moment. He had invaded a private moment, so the feeling was apt. He thought of his own father and wondered if he felt this way when he had been born, or if it was always as it was in the end-indifferent, distant. He ran his hand along the page in a tender move before he decided to turn to a later page. He thought that if he did not read the journal all the way through that it would be a more excusable intrusion.
The script in the middle of the journal was still neat and easy to read. The flowing script though, was different too. Some letters ended in sharp lines and some dots over the letters were more like slashes than dots. He read from the page and immediately wondered how much time had passed between the entries. It seemed like an entirely different writer from before. He was so filled with hope and love before, but now, what he read was the antithesis of all of that.
Eulogy for Mary
Many of you knew my wife. She was everything beautiful in this world. She was taken from us too soon. Everyone says that, though, don't they. I think though, that I would say that if she were taken from me much later too. Even with years together watching our children grow into young men, I would still say that it was too soon. There is never enough time. No one ever realizes it though until it is too late. I have so much that I needed to tell her. Now, I have to figure out how to do this alone. How to show the boys the tenderness that you showed, that will be the hardest. You just understood everything so instinctively. I will try to make you proud. For the rest of us, I can only hope that you don't make the mistakes that I made. Don't look back and regret what you didn't do. I look back and I have regrets.
I have regrets, Mary. I regret that I did not tell you often enough-how much you mattered. I did not know that there wouldn't be enough time. I did not think about each minute. I did not realize that it would end. I can't stand that you are not here. I can't stand that I still am. I miss you. We all miss you...
Cas stopped reading. He knew that it was not something that he should be doing anymore. However, he turned to a later part of the journal to read more. The middle was all notes. They seemed to be part of his investigation into Mary's death. There were names, and dates. Locations and contacts lined the pages. I have to stop reading this. He just couldn't seem to listen to his subconscious though. The page before him had notes on a man named Luc Mirov. The frustrating part about the writing in this part of the journal was the incompleteness of it all. Where the parts before were written out in prose, these parts were scattered lines and random seeming words.
Mirov's name came up though, more than once. In fact Cas was able to piece some of it together. He was starting to see patterns in the writing that reminded him of the notes that he would generate when putting together a case. One section read: Mirov lead research scientist in Ebola virus 1980s to 1990s. Niveus research facility Zaire. Died 1999, cause unknown. Connected to 1994 outbreak.
Cas saw an avenue to pursue for future research. The history of Niveus seemed to be deeply connected to the virus that they were currently developing a vaccine for. Then he saw another familiar name. Brady. Cas paused when he saw the name. The connection to Crowley shaping in his mind. He had wondered how or even why Crowley would have been at the courthouse that day. Although, the explanation wasn't here, Cas now had lines to follow toward clarity. He read more. Ezra Brady, CEO of Stiel Pharmaceuticals. Split from Niveus 1996. Anti-clotting drug major money-maker for them. Developed by Mirov.
Cas picked up his phone then and scrolled through the contacts. Finding Sam's name in the list he pulled up his number and typed in a quick message.
We shouldn't wait two weeks to talk about the Niveus case. I have learned too much this weekend.
He waited for a reply. Sam was usually pretty quick about these things.
When do you want to meet?
Don't know. Soon. OK?
OK. You alright?
Too many mysteries. I feel like my head is going to explode.
Welcome to my world. How's Dean? He is not returning my texts.
He's fine. What were you texting him? He is usually good about texting back.
Oh, you know. I was maybe pestering him about his new relationship. I thought that he would maybe be more comfortable with it in text form as opposed to actual talking.
Did he share anything with you about that subject?
Not so much. Is there something to share?
Guess not. He'll tell you when there is.
Or he won't because, Dean.
Or he will because it matters. I'm hopeful.
I'm glad. That makes me a little hopeful too. I gotta go. Can't really talk right now. Later.
OK, Bye Sam.
He turned back to the journal, but couldn't bring himself to continue reading from it anymore. For the moment, it felt too private, too sneaky. He could not justify his actions. He closed the journal and set it back on the shelf. He would not mention that he read any of it. He felt guilty enough already.
Cas came into the shop later that afternoon with two plates. He and Bobby had thrown together some sandwiches for lunch. He was worried about what all of the new information would mean. He felt like his world was becoming complicated in a way that was not sustainable. Dean was deeply concentrating on his work. The bike looked nice even though it was not assembled. He had painted the body that morning. Cas could see it all coming together.
Dean looked up and threw Cas a half smile. Dean began wiping his hands off on a rag and walking over to the sink in the corner of the vast place. Cas sat down at a bench near the sink and set down the plates. "How's it going in there with Bobby?"
"Fine. I went up to the room for a bit, spent a little time alone." Cas began absently picking at his sandwich.
"You could have come out here." Dean offered as he dried off his hands and came to the bench. He picked up his plate and sat down, resting it on his lap.
"I know. I just needed a little time to myself to think."
"I'm sorry, Cas." Dean was slumped a little in his seat.
"For what? You don't need to apologize." Cas set his plate aside then and added, "There's a lot that I don't understand, and a lot that I think I do. I just needed to be by myself for a bit to gain some perspective."
"Did it help?" Dean set his plate aside now too.
"I don't know. Maybe." Cas wanted to ask him more. He wanted to know about the things that Dean wasn't sharing.
"Maybe it would have been better for you if I hadn't let Sam talk me into meeting up with him that night at the bar." Dean was fidgeting. My life is too complicated for other people, I think.
"No. I wasn't okay. Then I met you."
Dean looked up at him then. He seemed surprised by this. "I don't make things okay, Cas. Look at how long I've been dealing with this mess for my family. Any competent person would have solved this years ago. Hell, my mom had it figured out within months."
"And look where it got her." Cas regretted the words as they left his mouth. They sounded callused. He really just wanted Dean to see that he was one of the good things. "I'm glad I met you. But I can't help but wonder if you haven't changed your mind about me." Cas felt like Dean knew what was in Cas' head. He felt like Dean must see him as the type of person that is comfortable associating with terrifying criminals. How long could Dean be comfortable with a person like him? "I feel like I make things complicated for you, and that things use to be a little simpler."
"I don't know why you would say that. I think that it would make way more sense for me to say that to you." Dean ran a hand through his hair and leaned back a little. That night that Sam convinced me to come out and meet you, I made a mistake."
"What do you mean?" Cas asked.
"I mean, that I should have just said no. I should have just kept on like I always did." Dean paused for a second then continued. "But he wore me down. Ya, know how Sam is."
"Yeah." Cas agreed.
"You know, Sam use to just talk about work when he first started at the firm. Cases and clients pretty much made up his whole vocabulary. Then he started tossing Gabe, Uriel, and Anna into the conversations. Later, you came up. It wasn't long before, he was always talking about you all. There was the usual talk about his work, but he changed. He found something with all of you."
"I think it is just friendship, Dean."
"I know. It is just that Sam and I didn't have much of that growing up. We had each other. That was it. Well, and Bobby. We didn't get much from outside. Sam said once, after he started becoming your friend, that you remind him why all of it matters, why we can't just stay disconnected, despite how much easier it would make so many things."
"Sammy always has a way of seeing things, doesn't he?" Cas smiled at him.
"Yeah. I think that is why he was always talking about you guys. I think that he wanted me to have that kind of connection too. I think that, at one point, he was going to try to set me up with Anna."
Cas nearly choked, "Really?"
"Yeah, well, you can see that didn't happen." Dean chuckled a little.
"So, when he invited you out to the bar to meet us, that must have been odd for you. You kind of already knew us a little."
"Yeah, but not as much as you might think. It was like meeting old friends." Dean smiled over at Cas and then continued, "Sam had been telling me more and more about you all and eventually he must have picked up on something in me, because he started telling me more stories about you. I looked forward to Sam's little stories. In fact, I really looked forward to the stories. I wanted to know you. Eventually, I kinda felt like I did know you. His stories made me feel like, even though we hadn't me yet, maybe you and I were friends too. They made me feel connected." Cas warmed a little at the thought that Dean was developing a connection to him before they even met.
"I'm glad that I met you that night. I'm glad that you decided to come in and meet us."
"I didn't come in right away. I was supposed to hand off some files that night. I had my contact meet me there. Figured I'd kill two birds with one stone so to speak. I didn't mention this, but I actually heard you sing "Satisfaction" before I joined you. I pretended that I hadn't been skulking around like a creepy stalker. That was the first time that I really saw you, the guy that Sammy told me so much about, the guy that I had heard so much about. And there you were singing right there in front of me."
"Well, now. Hope you weren't too scarred." Cas smirked.
"You know I wasn't. Anyway, I just watched you all at the table, laughing, smiling. I saw what Sammy had with you guys and I realized what I had been missing. I should have walked out then, but I didn't. I wanted that too."
"Why do you think that you should have walked out? Don't you think you deserve friends, companionship?" Cas had a look of concern on his face. Dean got up and walked over to his car which was parked on the other side of the shop. Cas followed him.
"I think that I shouldn't be so selfish."
"It's not selfish, Dean. It is human nature." He reached up and placed his hand on Dean's back. Dean did not turn.
"It is selfish to drag people into my world. It is selfish to put people at risk. That night I screwed up. I screwed everything up before I even went in there. I screwed up from the moment that I decided that I deserved something more."
Cas moved around to face Dean. "You do deserve more." He reached up and rested a hand on Dean's face. "Sometimes it is okay to just live life. You know? Enjoy the moments. Everyone deserves a little peace sometimes."
Dean reached up and rested his hand on the back of Cas'. They stood like that for a few moments then Dean broke away and rested his hands on the hood of the Impala. "It was funny finally talking with you. I told myself that you would be worth knowing. Anyone that saves my little brother's life should be worth knowing, right? Family is everything to me. Sammy will always come first with me. So, when I learned what you did, I wanted to meet you back then. I think that I built you up into some mythic creature in my mind, my brother's personal guardian angel, or something. It made me a little nervous about actually meeting you."
"I'm hardly that. I feel like you may have given me too much credit."
"Not enough, by my way of viewing things. I owe you. Sammy wouldn't be here if you didn't act." Dean gave him a look that said, I mean it.
"So, I hope this is more than you owing me, because you don't." Cas leaned back against the car so that he could face Dean.
"It's why I wanted to know you; it is not why I want to continue knowing you. Although, it speaks to the kind of person that you are." Dean seemed to grow uncomfortable all of a sudden. "I'm having a hard time with some of this, Cas. I feel like I have pulled you into my world and gummed up your life. I hate that I am going to complicate things for you if we keep this up."
"What do you mean if? You don't get to get rid of me yet." Cas tossed off, trying not to let worry creep into his tone.
Dean ran his hands through his hair again, a nervous gesture. "As much as I think that I should leave, I won't. I can't seem to do the right thing where you are concerned."
"You are doing the right thing. Nobody is complication free. We can make this work if we want it enough."
"Um." Dean stepped up to him and brushed a quick kiss across his forehead before walking back to the bench. He took his seat again and Cas joined him. "I just don't want to complicate your life, Cas. I really don't think that you get how messed up I am. If I were less selfish, I would just keep to myself. I'd keep from inserting myself into your little world."
"I use to feel like that too, once. When Charles left, I shut myself off. I kept my friends off at a distance. Funny thing, Sam kinda helped with that. He made me talk. It was funny how easy it was just visiting with him. I guess I owe him for a few things. He got me talking, and he lead me to you." Cas smiled at him and reached out to squeeze his hand a little.
Dean smiled back. "Sometimes, if I don't think about it all too much, I think that I might be really happy. I just can't seem to get past the way that I know I am going to mess up your life. Given everything that I told you today, you must be able to see it"
"Well, my job is certainly going to be a complication." Cas looked at Dean willing him to understand the difficulty that he was having with the situation that they had discussed at breakfast. He couldn't talk about it all directly, so he had to hope that Dean could just understand. "Also, there is your discomfort with our relationship."
"I'm plenty comfortable." Dean's lie rolled off his tongue so smoothly that Cas had to laugh at him.
"Really?" Cas moved his hand up to Dean's shoulder and gave him a little pat. "So how did your conversation with Sam go? Did you tell him that you are my boyfriend?"
Dean avoided eye-contact. "I was going to, but he was being a little bitch, so I maybe didn't. Plus, I was busy working on your bike when he texted."
"Ah." Cas smiled over at him and moved his hand back over to cover Dean's. "You know there is always going to be something with him. He isn't going to stop being, as you put it, a little bitch. So, you should probably just bite the bullet. Look how easy it was with Bobby."
'I didn't tell Bobby."
"Well, that's true, but you didn't go all denial mode either. Baby steps, I guess." Cas rolled his thumb back and forth across Dean's hand. "What about it makes you uncomfortable?"
"I don't know, Cas. Does it matter?" Dean squirmed about in his seat.
"Maybe. If you figure it out, then maybe you can beat it," Cas said quietly. "It might be nice for you to be able to uncomplicate one small part of your life. Maybe, if you can deal with this little thing, it will help." He paused for a second thinking about the way that Sam had done something like this for him. He remembered how Sam had slowly worked him into a conversation, how everything just came tumbling out. It was the beginning of him coming back to life again. Cas thought about that and looked into Dean's face. He maybe couldn't fix the complications that would come from Dean investigating Niveus while he was representing them, but maybe he could help Dean be comfortable with who he was and who he was with. "Let's think about it. What is the worst that could happen if you tell someone that you are dating me?"
"I could lose you," Dean said this quickly, still avoiding eye-contact.
"You won't." Cas reassured.
"You don't know that. I didn't even have to say anything before, and just me being me was enough."
Cas didn't fully understand what Dean meant, but he wanted to encourage sharing so instead of asking what he meant he said, "You should be free to be you." Cas kept rubbing his hand with his thumb, stroking little patterns now into Dean's flesh.
Dean was silent for a few moments, then he seemed to dive into the middle of a story. Sharing it as though, the words had to come out before someone walked in on the conversation. "It was scary. Dad, said he didn't want a faggot son. I didn't think that I was. I didn't even know why he thought that at first. It was probably the alcohol. He was pretty drunk most of the time by that point. He made me go to camp. I was in the first camp for two weeks. I don't think that they could do the stuff they did then now. Dad drove me all the way out to Montana. Didn't talk to me the whole way there. Sam and Bobby didn't know what was up. Dad told them we were going on a hunting trip. We never told them any different." Dean paused for a bit. He seemed to be shivering. Cas moved closer to him and ran his hand up his arm.
"It's okay, Dean."
"No, it won't ever be okay." Dean finally looked at him. "Anytime I have to acknowledge this..." He lifted his hand toward Cas then continued, "I'll betray you. You deserve to be acknowledged. I know that. I just know what has always happened to me in the past."
"But your dad isn't here anymore, and your family loves you, no matter what." Cas reasoned.
"They held me under water. I was choking and they kept me under. They would pull me up and I would hear snatches of their words. They prayed for my soul. I was an abomination reclaimed, or somesuch thing. They let me get just enough air then back down I went. It was a baptism they said."
"Oh, God, Dean." Cas pulled Dean into him. He held his head against his shoulder and rubbed his hands into his back. "That will never happen again. I wish that I could go back there. I wish that I could save you from that." Cas was rocking Dean a little in his arms.
Dean spoke again in a muffled voice, "I know that it doesn't make sense to be uncomfortable, or to be afraid of talking about us. I know it like I know logical things, but anytime I even get close to acknowledging my connection to you, I panic. I see Dad. I see the tub of water beckoning me in. I feel their hands pressing me down and I am drowning, drowning." Dean choked out the last part and then fell into silence.
"No one will take me away from you. You won't lose me. I promise." Cas kissed his head and continued to hold him, wishing away the past.
"He got Benny away. I guess his camp worked, huh?" Dean pulled back a little and looked at Cas.
"That can't happen now. It was cruel and wrong, and it can't happen again."
"I don't know how to push it away. It is always there. Always suffocating me. When I'm alone with you, it is different. When anyone else is there, it is like dad walking into that room all over again."
"What room?"
"I was on my bed, and Benny was resting his head on my stomach. We were just laying there. I was reading a magazine. Benny was listening to music and reading the lyrics. It was innocent. I guess it wasn't innocent in my head, but it was innocent in every other way. Dad burst into the room and found us like that. He practically threw Benny out the door. He sent me to my last camp later that week. It made the baptism look like a cakewalk. They would do things to try to make you not feel, you know, like that, around dudes." Dean said the last in pauses and spurts.
Cas pulled him back against him. "It's okay now."
"It was so much pain. I came to look forward to the water. I wanted it to fix me, or I wanted it to finish me. I would have taken either." Dean was silent then. His body seemed exhausted by the talk. Cas decided that he couldn't push Dean's conversation any further. He could feel the tension in his muscles. Cas just held him and pressed his face into his hair, kissing him lightly every couple of seconds, hoping that it would drive away the past, knowing that it couldn't, but it was all that he could do.
Review, Fav., Follow. This was a rough chapter. The first part was written way back when I wrote chapter 2, but I knew that it needed something more. This chapter was long, because it is essentially three chapters of snippets that I pulled together. I am still not certain that I am happy with the outcome, but I am happy with the forward momentum. Hopefully, you all like some of the little things that came from this section. If you do, or don't, let me know. I love the feedback. 'Till next time.