DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN THE HUSH HUSH CHARACTERS, ALL OTHERS ARE MINE.

THIS CHAPTER: PATCH AND NORA'S THOUGHTS AND FEARS.

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CHAPTER 22

FEAR, DETERMINATION & CHANGES OF HEART

The last look in Nora's eyes before she fell asleep told Patch that she knew he was hiding something from her and she wanted to know what, but for the first time since he'd met her she hadn't asked or pushed him. Part of him was tremendously relieved, he wasn't ready to tell her all he had to say yet, he wanted to make sure he did it right because the risk was already so high that she would take his change of heart wrong believing it pity or guilt instead of what it really was; accepting reality of what had always been right in front of him and in his heart. Looking back at things he could see now that it had always been Nora, he'd never stuck by anyone else and even when he was head over-heels for Dabria, Nora had come first. If his love for her hadn't been greater than his love for Dabria he wouldn't have left his fiancé to drive seven hours full speed to make sure nobody got the once in a lifetime gift of her virginity but him. He realized now that had it been reversed, him being engaged to Nora and Dabria being at prom he never would have made that trip for her, no it was embarrassingly obvious to him that he'd been in love with Nora far longer than he'd thought. How long exactly he didn't know because looking back on things he couldn't pin point the moment it had changed or started. He could tell you when he noticed she was growing up, the changes in her each year and when he stopped seeing her as a little girl and then as his sister, but love...maybe grandma was right and it was the first moment he met Nora. What was most important is Nora believing that, really believing it. Both Patch and Nora's middle names could be 'Stubborn' because they were and if she had even a sliver of doubt there was an enormous possibility she would get pissed and he could lose her forever. Nora didn't want pity. Ever, for anything. If she made a mistake she wanted to own it and learn from it. One of grandma's other big lessons for Patch and Nora was teaching them to not live in regret or seek sympathy and pity for your mistakes. When you receive either of them you have no real incentive to own up to your actions and learn from them. Sympathy allows you to wallow in the problem feeling sorry for yourself like pity does instead of focusing your attention on ways to prevent ever making the same mistake again. How do you grow if you don't admit and face what you did? Clista said it's like trying to solve a math problem you refuse to look at because someone feels sorry you had to do it. You'll never find the solution, you'll always be stuck. It was a priceless lesson and served them well, but in this situation if she misinterpreted things it could seal their fates in a way that would shatter them both. He was terrified.

Nora was the most selfless person he had ever met. She had always put others before her at any cost to herself. He had both admired and hated that. Patch loved that she wasn't selfish, he loved her heart and compassion, but he despised seeing her get hurt just so others could have what they wanted. It killed him knowing that unknowingly he was the one she had been most selfless with, that he was the one that had cost her the most, more than he had already knew he had. How could he have been so blind, so stupid? How could he put her through all of this? What he went through with Dabria had crushed him, what Nora had gone through by being in his life the way she was, loving him the way she did would have shattered and buried someone like him. He never would have been strong enough to do what she had, to sacrifice what she did just to keep the few parts of him he had allowed her. Her family may not be great, hell, he despised them, but they were her family and he knew it hurt her deeply that they weren't close. She'd given up her home, inheritance, trust fund and her money for college, all of it poof, gone, just to follow him knowing he wasn't able/willing to give her what she wanted most. Nora traded it all in to live in a place that rats turned their noses up at and cockroaches didn't even find it fit to live in. It was a dump of the worst kind and the crime was out of control. They weren't in the little town of Coldwater Creek anymore, the part of the city they'd had to live in when first starting out didn't blink an eye at someone getting shot it was such a common occurrence. Patch had been terrified the whole time she would be raped, killed or both. When he'd located her friends, Bella and Shadow he had never been so relieved. He would have done anything to keep her out of that part of town and that living situation no matter what his ill feelings were at the time towards her roommates. She had flat-out refused to live away from him until she moved in with them. He'd missed her like hell, it had been hard, especially in the beginning, but knowing she was safe and fed meant more to him than anything he'd suffer missing her. The fact that they were barely eating and she was getting sick all the time and losing weight had only further motivated him and assured him he had done the right thing. The thing that he found almost as bad or worse looking back on it now, the thing that made him sick was that the whole time he was out whoring around in front of her face she remained steadfast in her love and support of him, she'd never wavered or used it against him no matter how much it had hurt her, he couldn't even imagine or want to the kind of pain and heartbreak that had to cause her. Patch couldn't think of another woman who would have made the choices she made, Dabria certainly wouldn't have. That's the love he had wanted with his ex-fiance, the kind that Clista had told them about growing up and the one he had given up on thinking it was all a lie, tricks, deceit-an illusion or fantasy, definitely not real. He'd never been so wrong. Looking at her he was wracked with guilt. Nora gave him not only her heart, but her body too so many countless time. He'd taken her innocence and unlocked her inner goddess, she'd been a little minx that turned into a full-grown tigress with his encouragement and support of her self-discovery. Patch had suspected on her prom night she had something special in her but he had no way of knowing at the time what the wildcat was capable of once unleashed, she'd shocked him many times during their time together and he had no doubts she'd continue to do so if she'd have him. He was determined to try all he could. Nora made life new, fresh and exciting. She was never boring in the bedroom and could be kinky without being disgusting. He'd wanted to share everything with her, he'd even coaxed her into that threesome because women were the only thing they hadn't shared. She had talked him into role-playing Christian from 50 Shades after she read it, granted all she had to do was mention it was her fantasy with her bright red face and innocent eyes filled with lust and desire mixed with what could have only been described as longing and he'd been helpless to resist, not that he'd wanted to. It wasn't only in the bedroom though, she had fire in her he admired. Nora could be an atomic bomb hidden within her sweet as cotton candy exterior when you hit a nerve. He'd been on the receiving end more times than he'd liked to have been since he had that same fuse in him. Grandma taught them you had to stand for something or you'd fall for anything. They stood unmoving in their loyalty to each other and those they cared about and they worked hard to earn their own way in life. It wasn't a free ride and they wouldn't have wanted it if it had been. You learn the most during your trials and tribulations, that didn't make them fun or pleasant and no one looks forward to them, but without the dark you'd never flourish and revel in the light. Patch had used Bourbon and women to hide the pain and take his mind off things, it was always short-lived and not a solution. It was all a part of the mask he had long ago perfected, the same one he was suspicious had taught Nora how to hide the most sacred part of her and she'd hidden it well. Too well maybe. She was full of surprises he thought as he watched her sleep, wondering what dreams lie behind those eyes.

The thing that Nora had seen in his eyes was his worry over how she would react to his confession, his fear he wouldn't be able to convince her it may have been the accident that opened his eyes, but the reality was that it had always been there, this was real and not pity. He wanted this, wanted a life with her and only her for as long as she would have him. Patch was determined to make her his forever and prove his love for her.

Nora was living with him and the loft wasn't set up to accommodate someone with her injuries. It was narrow halls and sunken and raised rooms that would be hard for her to maneuver while she healed. The first thing he did was buy a spacious penthouse suite for them. It would be easy for her to move around and it had a custom-made kitchen with marble tops that he could cook all of her favorite foods in. The master suite bedroom had a giant bathroom with a huge two person jetted tub for her to relax in and he had it fully stocked with all of her favorite bath and hair essentials and new soft and fluffy ruby-red to quality bath-sheets for her and black for him with a warming rack. By sheer lucky, or simply destiny, the bathroom also had a huge glass shower with three shower heads like Patch loved. The shower had a built-in bench on the wall that wasn't glass that would be perfect for Nora to sit on until she was able to stand safely. The area was well-lit and included an over-sized linen closet, vanity, double sink with lots of counter space and drawers for all of her hair and makeup-not that he liked that war paint, but he respected her right to wear it though hoping she wouldn't.

Patch hadn't spared a single expense decorating and furnishing the suite for them, including having replicas made or ordered of her favorite furniture from his loft like the couches, chairs and bed. He hoped she would fall in love with the space as well as the magnificent view the upscale place had. The building was luxury and impeccably maintained with doormen, security and elevators so she wouldn't be hindered by stairs and included full amenities. It would be perfect even after she healed and they could live there as long as they would like. Patch couldn't believe he'd located a place that fit their needs so well, it was even decorated with his favorite chromatic color scheme of navy, black and gray/silver and black granite. Like the loft it had a giant fireplace in the living room. The place seemed to be made just for them.

Patch's long-term plan if she forgave and accepted him was to ask him to do the great honor of cherishing her as his wife and lifelong companion, then they could build their dream how wherever she wanted to live, he didn't care he could leave the advertising agency now and run his prospering company from home anywhere. Secretly he hoped that their dream home would include extra room for the kids he was sure she dreamed about and he found himself once again longing for. Patch had buried those sort of dreams back with Dabria, falsely believing he had the perfect male lifestyle with everything he needed, freedom to do as he wanted, sleep with whoever he wanted and his best friend and stability at his side in Nora. Sure he had never figured out how to completely numb the pain no matter what, but all in all he had thought he had it all. If only he had known what life could look and feel like, if only he had realized, but he knew as sure as the sky was blue and the grass was green that he hadn't been ready before. Clista had told him during one of their heart to hearts that sometimes with tragedy comes a deeper awareness that allows for growth and rebuilding that would never have come without it. It's during our weakest periods that we find how truly strong we are and in our losses or near losses that we find the true beauty and appreciation for what we have. It removes the blinders. He hated the thought she might have been put through this to open his damn eyes, but now that they were open he'd refuse to ever shut them again...Which brought him back to his original dilemma and fear, how to tell her in a way that she would believe he'd had an honest eye opener to what had always been there that had lead to a change of mind and heart. She was going to want to know how he now knew her feelings, he was sure of that, and likely she would jump to the conclusion that it was guilt over his behavior creating his false epiphany. He did have guilt, it could consume him it was so bad if he let it but that would defeat his progress and prevent his future dreams. There most definitely was a long road ahead of them if this could go anywhere, there would likely be hurdles, that's life, but Nora had stood by him and not given up in his ugliest of ugly moments and now he wouldn't think of ever giving up on here, not even in a million years even if she asked him to, he'd love her from a distance if he had to. He'd gone three weeks without sex or even thinking about it and the whole time he had nurses galore vying for his attention, finding any excuse to be in the room or talk to him. The one's he would have taken to bed in an instant before he didn't even notice, in fact he didn't notice any of them, not that way. Patch hadn't gone a night hardly at all without sex at least once with one or two girls since losing his virginity, but as of now he'd go celibate if she asked him to in order for her to commit to him, she'd have to deal with a porn addiction he thought with a smirk at his own joke. Nora wouldn't be getting the kids that way either, but joke or not it was a testament for how far he would go for her and how far he had come for a man living committed to his former lifestyle.

Patch realized he must have dozed off somewhere among those thoughts because he woke up with a feeling of being watched before he had opened his eyes. He already knew who that would be, his heart skipping a beat at the thought that it wasn't all a dream, she really was awake. When his eyes opened and met hers he saw that the soft gray doe eyes were lit up with sparkles that were dancing with excitement so strong it was contagious and he had to grin with her. What had brought this on, he wondered. Before he could say anything she launched into how she was remembering not only people now but more and more memories with them and what was happening right before her accident. She was deeply concerned and wanted to know about her sister's wedding since she was the maid of honor and she rightly assumed the wedding Vee had planned had been postponed causing Vee costing her sister her special day. Patch quickly explained it was taken care of she didn't have to worry, a new date of their choice was being set and they didn't have to pay for anything. Once she was healed and able to safely take her place next to her sister at the altar they would exchange their vows. He left out the part of how it was him that would be financing the celebration. She was so happy about her memories and it was fantastic news, she was on the road to recovery. Patch didn't fail to notice though that for all of her talk about people she remembered and memories she'd forgotten one big thing...her parents. She hadn't mentioned them once. Did that mean she didn't remember them yet or that she just wasn't ready to deal with them? Either way he wasn't going to risk upsetting her by asking and possibly stressing her when she was making astounding progress.

Nora didn't tell him that as the medicine was leaving her system she had started to connect the dots and came to the painful conclusion that the voices that had come with the bitter cold and blinding snow storm were those of her parents and while he slept she had summoned a nurse to ensure that at least for now there would be no more visits allowed by them. Nora wanted no part in exploring what that all meant right now while she was feeling so good about her progress. She kept that from Patch because even as he slept and in her state of not being back to normal yet she could read him as easily as before and it was plain to see that her accident had taken a real toll on the love of her life. There were circles under his eyes that had never been there and he had lost some weight, his body was tightened up and tense instead of peaceful as he slumbered. He always had an expression of a sweet innocent little boy when he was sleeping, totally relaxed and at peace, now he looked exhausted, beat down and drug through the mud. It was also very obvious to her that something was eating him up, worrying him. Nora didn't want to add to that by sharing negative news so she kept it to herself like she did the memories of how her parents had put Vee in the miserable position of being between their parents and her, but more and more she'd noticed her sister distancing herself from Blythe and Harrison. They had forced her into trying business school since Nora was not going to be an option. She had decided she'd had enough, she wasn't going to take over for their father and switched schools to major in art, her passion. Vee had excelled in school in any medium her art teacher introduced her to, where she struggled in other classes she was unfaltering in art. Their parents had shattered her dreams back then, calling art nonsense and a waste of time. They told her she would never amount to anything or be able to support herself and went as far as destroying her art equipment and ripping up her work one day when she was at school. Seeing the life Nora was building for herself on her own inspired her and with Scott's support she finally started to follow her own dream and not Blythe and Harrison's for her future. Much to her surprise and delight she was already finding huge success, her work was being shown at art gallery's as one of the top new and upcoming artist showing real promise. The art critics were calling her the artist to watch out for. Nora was at peace with her decisions even though their was pain in not having a relationship with their parents she had never had that so there wasn't much of a difference. Vee had taken the Grey's grooming to heart and when Nora left the family she was caught in the crossfire that tore her apart. The girls parents pretended to love and care for "their only child and heir", forbidding a relationship between Vee and Nora saying that Nora would be a negative influence on her older sister and bring her down with her. The tug of war over her had nearly cost the sisters their relationship but things were different now, Vee had no intentions of going back to that way of life, even if it meant following in her little sisters footsteps and being disowned by the family. The accident had reaffirmed how much Nora meant to her, who her real family was that sincerely loved and cared for her and who would be there for her and who would not.

Patch continued to remain steadfast at her bedside as she continued to heal, holding her hand as if she might suddenly disappear. He still insisted on sponge bathing her and when she the Doctor said she could move around some and shower he demanded to be the one to help her. As much as Nora valued her independence she relished the moments he pampered her with loving care and attention. Patch had seen her naked enough that there was no reason for her to object or feel uncomfortable. Better him than a stranger. Those moments he was close to her like that were priceless as were all the things that the nurses informed her he had done to care for her needs while she was unconscious. He was so patient, gentle and loving, knowing exactly what she liked and he skillfully kept her casts dry and her IV sites cared for.

There was one enormous difference...Patch wasn't touching her intimately, not even teasingly, nor was he making his constant stream of sexual advances and innuendos. She knew he had a secret, something he was scared to tell and she was afraid that he had lost interest in her. Was that his big secret, he didn't want to continue their intimate relationship anymore? Had seeing her this way or worse had he found someone else? Patch had never behaved this way and she was more scared than ever that she was losing him. Whatever was going on she was determined to find the truth and it had better not be guilt over their fight before she had taken off. Or had her biggest fear, that he would find someone new become a reality? Had he had a change of heart while she was unconscious and given it to someone else? Had she lost him for good this time?

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NEXT CHAPTER:

Grandma's heart to hearts helped Patch, can they help Nora too or will grandma make things? Can she put Nora's mind at ease without giving anything away or will she make things worse?