A/N: So I know I said I'd be getting back to writing "MGT" sometime in the spring, and then I started getting ideas for this fanfic too. This will sort of lead into my other upcoming MGTU story "Harley's Angels," which I'll begin posting soon. For the next two weeks, I'll post one chapter of this fanfic each Thursday, concluding it on June 29. Then, the following Friday (July 7), I'll post the next batch of "MGT" chapters, alongside the first chapter of "Harley's Angels."

As for the timeline, this takes place in spring 2013, during the events of Super Mario 3D World (and after the end of the Mushroom Kingdom's 2013 tax season).

Without further ado, please read, review, and enjoy!

I do not own Super Mario.

Well, a few days ago, Mario, Luigi, Peach, and Blue Toad all left to go to some magical alternate dimension that Bowser's trying to take over now. At least I think that's what's going on; the voicemail Mario left hardly made any sense. Something about Bowser coming out of a glass Warp Pipe and catching a fairy in a jar. I have no idea when they'll be back from this quest, and I'm a bit annoyed that they didn't bother taking me with them. After all I've done for them, they just give me the lousy job of housesitting for them until they get back. And I don't even get paid for it, like Interim Princess Peachette does for housesitting for Peach.

I guess it's not all bad. I get to tune into the radio station broadcasting off Yoshi's Island that Mario and Luigi never want to listen to. I get to buy the cereal with Yoshi egg marshmallows instead of the one with power-up marshmallows that Mario likes. And I took the liberty of calling in some plumber Toads to get rid of Mario's old toilet and replace it with a larger one that's better suited for Yoshis.

So this morning I was making myself a Yoshi egg cake and listening to KYIM Yoshi's Island's Best Mix when a loud knock came at the front door. Were Mario and Luigi back already? I sure hoped not. Then again, I don't think they've ever managed to defeat Bowser this quickly before. There's always seven to eight worlds they have to get through, and each world takes them several days. Not to mention it'll probably take even longer this time because, given how much time Mario and Luigi always waste bickering with each other on these quests, I can only imagine how much bickering will ensue with Peach and Blue Toad in tow as well.

So…who was at the door?

I brushed off my flour-covered hands and opened the front door slightly. On the front porch stood two policetoads. What were they doing here? There's no way they could know, I cover my tracks too thoroughly….

One of them said, "I'm Officer Funguscap with the MKPD." That's Mushroom Kingdom Police Department. "Are you Therapoda Yoshisaur Munchakoopas?"

"Yeees," I said, growing more panicked with each second. "How can I help you this morning, officer?"

Funguscap cleared his throat. "I hereby place you under arrest for tax fraud."

Oh crap.

After twenty years, the IRS had finally caught up to me.

There were two cards I still had left, though: playing dumb and, if that failed, running.

"Wha-a-at?" I chuckled. "Me? Tax fraud? Wait, did you say Therapoda Yoshisaur Muchakoopas? Oh, that explains it. I'm Therapoda Yoshisaur Munchagoombas. That's funny that our names are so similar, though. Funny and, you know, unfortunate for me, because I don't want to be confused with someone guilty of so serious a crime as tax fraud-"

"Get a pair of handcuffs on him!" Funguscap ordered. The other cop dashed towards the door.

Okay, running it was.

I slammed the door in the cop's face, and his mushroom cap rebounded off it with a twang! that reverberated through the door. I locked the door. Let's see…I could get away through the garage. My motorcycle was in there. There was no way the cops would be able to catch me on that thing.

A pair of gunshots blew off the door's lock, and it swung open towards me. I grabbed the doorknob with my tongue and slingshot-ed the door shut again. Funguscap's arm was crushed between the door and the jamb. "OW!" he screamed, dropping his handgun on the doormat. I picked it up, then hurried towards the garage.

Behind me, the door slammed open again, and either Funguscap or the other cop groaned, "Oh great, the son of a bitch is armed now."

I ran into the kitchen and pulled open the door to the garage from halfway across the room. The closest vehicle in the garage was Mario and Luigi's yellow plumbing van, then Mario's busted-up red jalopy that he can't afford to replace given his measly salary, and then my bike on the far end of the garage.

Once I was in the garage, I spun around and used my tongue to tip over Mario's fridge. Hopefully that would stall the cops for a while, since everyone knows are horrible at jumping courtesy of their practically nonexistent legs. Then there's Captain Toad, who can't jump at all for whatever reason.

I slid across the hood of Mario's clunker and next to my motorcycle. I grabbed a roll of duct tape off a shelf in the corner with my tongue and used it to bind the gun horizontally to the handlebars. Now if I needed to use it I could just slightly shift my right hand to squeeze the trigger.

"Gimme a boost!" one of the Toad shouted from the other side of the fridge.

Time to go.

I pressed the button on my garage door opener and…oh great. There were two police cars parked in the driveway, blocking my way out.

Alright, here goes nothing.

I started the motorcycle and took off straight towards the cars. When I was almost to the edge of the garage, I shot my tongue up and latched onto the garage door-opening mechanism. Come on, come on, please let this work and not just end in my tongue getting ripped out of my head.

Slowly, the bike and I were lifted off the ground. And as we passed the threshold of the garage, a horrible creaking sound came from above me, and the garage door and its opener fell from the ceiling. I let go of it with my tongue. The bike sailed through the air for a few more seconds, then crashed down on the hood of one of the cop cars. Oh my God, I didn't even think that would work. Behind me, meanwhile, the garage door fell on top of Mario and Luigi's van, then slid onto the driveway.

I gunned the engine, leaving a tire print down the car's hood, and drove up the windshield like it was a motocross ramp. I tricked off the roof of the car, then landed at the end of the driveway. Behind me, Funguscap and the other cop were tumbling over the fridge into the garage. I stopped the bike long enough to shout, "OINK OINK, BITCHES!" behind me, before speeding away down the street.

Even though I never thought the IRS would catch up to me, I made sure I had a plan ready to go to escape in case they ever did. This was just Step 1. Step 2 was to make it to the Mushroom Kingdom-Sarasaland border, as there's a long list of crimes for which Sarasaland will not extradite people, one of which is tax fraud. This has often caused contention between Sarasaland and the Mushroom Kingdom, given the high number of criminal expats from the Mushroom Kingdom who take refuge in Sarasaland.

The wailing of the alarm that went off when I landed on the cop car slowly died away as I sped towards the grassy expanse surrounding Toad Town and Peach's Castle. Hopefully I had enough of a head start that Funguscap and that other idiot wouldn't be able to catch up to me.

Turns out I didn't…ish. I got about halfway across town and was zipping down Main Street when the sound of sirens came from behind me. I turned around. Two more bacon-mobiles were turning onto Main Street from a pair of side streets, lights a-flashing and sirens a-screaming, and chasing me.

Well, fudge.

A cop leaned out the passenger window of one of the cars with a megaphone. "THERAPODA YOSHISAUR MUNCHAKOOPAAAAS! PULL OVER RIGHT THIS INSTANT! THERE'S NO WAY YOU'RE GOING TO EVADE US LONG ENOUGH TO GET TO SARASALAND! EVERY CRIMINAL WE CHASE TRIES TO MAKE IT THERE, AND NONE OF THEM SUCCEED!"

"Bite me, hot dog!" I shouted.

Suddenly, I saw another cop on the sidewalk ahead of me. He glanced at me coming, then threw something into the road…oh great. A stop stick. Well, time for the old flying bike routine again.

I shot my tongue onto a streetlight overhanging the road ahead of me and pulled with all my might. The bike and I lifted into the air…and then the streetlight wrenched free of the sidewalk and fell towards the road. Come on, how heavy was this bike?

I fell back to the road, but my rear tire landed right on the stop stick. Uh oh. Now I was going a hell of a lot slower than I was before.

On the other hand, the streetlight falling blocked the entire road behind me, so the cops would have to find some other route to take to follow me. Not that that would be too hard to do in downtown Toad Town, but it was something.

I "sped" down the street as much as I could given my flat rear tire. Come on, my trusty steed, don't give out on me now! You've still got to get me all the way to Sarasaland! In the distance I heard more sirens, but I couldn't tell exactly where they were coming from. No doubt they were coming for my tax-evading ass, though. If they caught me, I was gonna be pissed. Of all the crimes that could land you in prison, tax evasion had to be one of the stupidest. Of course, now I had evading police tacked on there too, and the courts would probably try to wring an "assaulting a police officer" charge out of me slamming Funguscap's arm in the doorway.

I hope Sarasaland doesn't extradite on those charges either…. The only extradition laws of theirs I ever specifically researched were the ones concerning tax fraud.

I turned down a side street, which in turn led to a short, elevated expressway that led towards the outskirts of Toad Town. Hopefully it would be harder for the cops to follow me in heavy traffic, and I'd be able to get away.

Just my luck, though, there was hardly any traffic on the highway. Then again, who was I kidding, it was late morning. Most of the town's population was already at work.

And not even a minute after I got on the expressway, the sound of sirens came from behind me again.

"PULL OVER NOW!" another cop shouted into a megaphone. "YOU'RE JUST MAKING YOUR SITUATION WORSE BY RUNNING! COME ON, YOU'RE MAKING ME LATE FOR MY DAILY DONUT RUN!"

I rounded a bend in the expressway and saw…aha! Ahead of me was a roadwork crew repairing what looked like a pothole in the road. But one of their vehicles had a ramp on its back end, and was parked right next to the concrete barrier at the edge of the expressway. If I could ride up that ramp and trick off it, I might be able to overshoot the barrier and land…on whatever was below me. Either way, I'd be giving the cops the slip again.

The sirens were closing in on me, thanks to my flat tire. I swerved into the shoulder and drove straight towards the vehicle with the ramp. A few construction Toads saw me coming and shouted for me to stop, but I ignored them.

"NO, NO, NO! DON'T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!"

I popped a wheelie and shot up the ramp. As I crested it, I tricked off it and flew over the concrete barrier. Below me was…oh great. The four-way intersection outside Toadette's Boutique, an intersection which was absurdly busy given how empty the expressway was. My bike plummeted towards the road, and then suddenly halted in midair. Wha-?

But, thanks to Newtoad's First Law of Motion, even though the bike stopped, I remained in motion and hurtled towards the intersection. And I probably would've met the grisly end of becoming a smear of former Yoshi on the pavement, if not for a car suddenly jumping a red light and pulling out below me. I crashed onto the car's roof and slid down the rear windshield, then tumbled onto the road. The car screeched to a halt, and the Toad driving it leaned out. "Oh my gosh, where did you come from? Are you okay?"

I stumbled to my feet and pointed up at the expressway. "There's cops up there, they're trying to frame me for a crime I didn't commit!" Even if I didn't end up getting away, I could at least try to sway the court of public opinion in my favor. Only then did I notice why my bike froze in midair: because the rear tire got caught on the wires suspending one of the intersection's traffic lights. Well, that was ridiculous. And…damn it, I duct taped my gun to the bike! Now I was unarmed again.

The Toad in the car gave me a suspicious look. "Well then, just explain to the cops that you're innocent. You'll get a fair trial and-"

I started throwing out random phrases from all the crime movies I've watched. "Those cops are crooked; you think they don't have the courts in their pockets? The guards'll look the other way and I'll sleep with the Cheep-Cheeps!" And then, because the sound of sirens was getting louder again, I turned and ran before the Toad could reply.

I was pretty close to the edge of town now; I just had to make it down a few more streets, and I'd be on the Toad Town Beltway that encircles the town. Then I could just run across the road and into the grassy expanses of the rural Mushroom Kingdom. Toad Town was about 50 miles from the Sarasaland border, but about halfway between the two were the Wild Woods, an infamous den of all sorts of unsavory folks. I would be able to lay low there for a few days if I needed to.

I ducked down an alley behind Toadette's Boutique and cut across to Waddlewing Way. I have no idea why so many streets in this town are named after minions of Bowser, but that's the way it's always been. See also Goomba Road, Piranha Plant Place, Boo Boulevard, Hammer Bro. Lane, etc.

The sirens weren't growing any louder, but they weren't growing fainter either. No doubt they were combing every street for me. I'd just have to hope I could reach the edge of town before they could follow me. Then, if I was lucky, my mostly green skin would keep them from spotting me amongst the greenness of basically everything outside Toad Town.

Waddlewing Way led to Mushroom Avenue led to Dragoneel Drive led to the Toad Town Beltway. I stopped at the edge of the beltway, looked left, right, left, and then dashed across the road.

Hey, I may be a criminal, but I'm not stupid.

I was three-quarters of the way across the beltway when the sound of more sirens came from my left. I turned towards the sound. Rounding the northeastern corner of the beltway were three more police cars. Seriously? They've got all these resources to dispatch on someone for committing tax fraud, but no one did anything when I called the cops last year because I thought there was a peeping tom in the shrubs outside the house?

Granted, it turned out all I'd seen was a pair of plastic eyes Mario had forgotten to take down after Halloween, but that's not the point.

Another cop with a megaphone leaned out the window of one of the cars. If this little piggy started yelling at me too….

"THERAPODA YOSHISAUR MUNCHAKOOPAAAAS! GIVE IT UP! PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR! WE'VE GOT YOU NOW! YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL FOR YOUR CRIMES AGAINST THE MUSHROOM KINGDOM!"

Did all cops feel the uncontrollable need to shout into a megaphone? Dude, I get it. You've got an inferiority complex because your parents never listened to you as a kid, so now you want to shout to everyone around you so you feel like you're being heard. But why do I have to be punished for your parents' lousy parenting by having to hear you shout all the time?

I noticed a string of telephone poles trailing along the outer edge of the beltway. And the police cars were coming up on them now….

I shot my tongue at the closest telephone pole to me and tugged on it with all my might. Wood groaned as the base detached from the ground and the pole toppled towards the road. I let go of it and continued towards the far side of the road. The cops must've noticed the toppling pole, and they tried to speed by it. But they weren't fast enough; the pole crashed onto the hoods of two cars, while the third, a second behind the other two, slammed headlong into the pole.

"Damn it!" one of the cops shouted. "Everyone out, out! We'll continue on foot!"

By then I had ducked into the tall grass on the far side of the Toad Town Beltway. No doubt the cops would be bringing out Poochy units soon to track me, but hopefully there would be a river or pool or something where I could lose them. Then I'd head southeast, towards the Wild Woods. Hopefully there I'd be able to lay low for a few days before I continued on to Sarasaland.

A/N: Part 2 coming on June 22!