AN: So much thanks to my constants taytay127 and Mummabro. You both just make the best comments and I can't thank you enough. Thanks also to Covinskey for choosing to give me your first review. I worried so much that it would be weird for people to read a fluffy piece that went to a non-fluffy place. I am glad that you approve:) Valerie-Lynn I sense that you are very enthusiastic about this story;) Thank you so much. I felt pretty happy reading the joyous exclamations in your review. I was pretty proud of the narrative in chapter 50, so I am glad that others enjoyed it too. Eiralu, the short wait is over, here is the next chapter. Your review came through just seconds before I posted this, so I got to acknowledge you. Thanks for liking the last chapter:) Now on with the show...
The alley was silent and not silent. Cas felt the roar of blood in his ears as the noise of the gun had kicked his hearing into a new realm. He did not remember dropping the gun, but there it was at his feet. There was some movement. Dean. Cas needed to move, but he couldn't. Dean was trying to drag himself up into a more mobile position than being sprawled out on his back. He was moving toward A. The gun in A's hand was still there. He was not moving though. The blood on A's shirt was spreading. His body was spread wide across the wet concrete. Cas turned to M then and fell to her side. He scooped up her head into his lap. He leaned down to her face and pressed close, hoping to feel her breath.
The adrenaline that had filled him just moments before was leaving him. He was now feeling the deep shakings of panic coursing through his veins. His hearing was starting to come back now. He could hear what sounded like a siren. Someone called the police. He rocked back and forth, holding her, praying. Cas wasn't much for prayer, but sometimes, it is all that one can do. He prayed and promised whatever he could to whatever would listen. Dean had crawled his way over to him now. It was then that Cas noticed that Dean had not gotten through the fight unscathed.
"You're hurt." Cas couldn't let go of M, but he turned to Dean when he spoke.
"It isn't bad. He just knicked me." Dean's leg was bleeding rather profusely. Cas did not think that it was nothing. "Are you okay, Cas?"
"No. I don't know what to do. We have to save her." He turned back to M brushed her hair back from her face. He just kept rocking like she needed to be soothed to sleep, like that would fix everything, her stillness, her breathing, her bleeding.
Dean reached out to her and lifted her bloody shirt to inspect the wound. There was so much blood. Dean peeled off his shirt and wadded it up. He pressed it to her wound to try to suppress the bleeding. "She is still bleeding. She is still alive, Cas."
"What about…" Cas looked over at A, but he couldn't finish his sentence.
"I don't know. I took his gun. I think that he is dead. The bullet looked like it went clean through from his back to his chest." Dean adjusted his position to better press the shirt to M's wound.
"I killed him?" Cas whispered. "I killed someone." He was shaking now. Panic and sickness fighting for control of his frame. He didn't know what to do. He just kept rocking back and forth.
Dean removed one hand from M and placed it on Cas, "You had to. I swear you had to. He would have killed me if you hadn't done that. You saved me. You maybe saved all of us." He squeezed Cas' arm for emphasis. Cas couldn't look at him. The sirens and lights of the police cruiser blasted into the alley. The next half hour was chaos and mayhem. Cas was now fully in shock and could not stop rocking even when M had been pulled from him and placed into the ambulance. A second ambulance arrived for Dean and a third for A. Dean convinced his EMT to let Cas ride with him. The world was blurring around the edges. He could not feel his fingers. He looked down at his hands. They were covered in blood. M's blood. I said that I would keep you safe. He rocked back and forth again. Dean kept staring at him as if he was trying to make him okay by watching him. The ambulance stopped at the entryway to the hospital and there was a rush of exiting that propelled Cas inside. It was too fast. He was failing to keep his focus.
The rush into rooms. The too bright lights. The way that sound turns hollow. The way that it blasts back. Cas felt his brain turning into fragments. He tried to keep stepping forward inside. Instead, his eyes rolled up into his head, and he collapsed into darkness.
There was a quiet beeping and warm, crisp blankets around his body. He did not open his eyes right away. It was all just a dream. I will keep sleeping and when I wake up it will be put back to right. I will not be a murderer. M will be fine. Dean will be fine. I will be fine. He heard a familiar voice, "I think that he is waking up. Come on sleeping beauty, rise and shine." Bobby sounded like he was far away at first. His gruff voice was pulling Cas back from the darkness though. He cracked open his eyes and then quickly shut them again.
"Bobby?" Cas croaked out. "Where am I?"
Bobby and Sam sat on either side of him. Bobby spoke first, "You had a little shock. Doctors got you hooked up to some I.V.s here and they've been monitoring your vitals. Turns out that you were not able to keep going after all of the crazy that you had to deal with in the last 48 hours."
"Is M okay? Dean?" Cas looked over to Sam.
"Dean is fine. I just came here from seeing him. I am supposed to report back. Doctor said that he might have to sedate him if he keeps threatening to walk on that messed up leg of his." Sam ran his hand through his hair and looked over to Bobby.
"What about M?" Cas asked again. He felt like they were avoiding.
"Well, now. That is a little more complicated." Bobby paused in his explanation then continued. "Doctors said that they are having trouble with the bleeding. Turns out that the drug trial that she was on, well, it is making it hard for her body to clot and such. They have been dealing with the internal bleeding and the organ damage, but now she has a low-grade infection. Doctors aren't sure if she is going to make it." Bobby finished the explanation rapidly.
"I need to see her. Get me unhooked from these things." Cas started to pull at the cables connected to his chest.
"Now wait." Sam stepped over and pushed the call button. "We'll get them removed. Just wait. It won't take long."
Then as they waited a new worry sprang into Cas' mind, "Where's LIl?"
"She is in the waiting room with Jess. I promise, she is fine." Sam gave him a look that begged for trust. Cas slumped back into the pillows a bit more. The last 48 hours had been rough beyond the mental turmoil of being attacked by a gun-toting murderer. Cas had not slept in two days, he had been very physically active-running around the city, and he had eaten little to nothing. It was no wonder that his body had given out on the threshold of the hospital's doors.
The doctor came in then, and with just a little convincing, he freed Cas from the equipment and the I.V. Cas was on his feet soon after and making his way to M's room. "What room is she in?" Cas had realized that he did not know where he was going, just that he needed to leave his own room to get to her.
"She's in 452." Bobby pointed down the hall. "You are all fairly close to each other. Dean is in 435 down the other direction." Bobby pointed down the hall behind Cas.
"Thanks, Bobby." Cas headed down the hall to M's room. Her door was wide open and she was hooked up to a multitude of wires and tubes. He eased into the chair at her side and took her hand. "Oh, Megan. What have I done?"
He felt her stir a little. Her hand fluttered on his, then her eyes opened. "Where's Lil? She was in here before." M said in a hushed breath.
"She is in the waiting room with Jess, Sam's fiance. She is okay." Cas reassured her.
"They didn't think that I was listening, but I was." M looked at him steadily. "Turns out that I am not going to get through this."
"That's not true. You're a fighter. You'll be fine." Cas was looking at the damage in front of him though, and he was having a hard time with the lie.
"Oh, sweety. You don't have to give me that old song. I know when I've been beat." She had to stop then. She was struggling with her breathing. "Did you mean what you said when you said that you would take care of Lil?"
"I did, but you won't need that. Stop worrying. Just rest, and get better." He pressed his other hand up to her cheek. "It's going to be okay."
"I need to see Sam again. Will you send him in?"
"Sure. Why do you need him?" Cas brushed the hair from her face a bit.
"He is making up some paperwork for you to make everything easier. When I die I want it to be easy for you and Lil. After I heard the doctors talking about me, I had them send him in."
"I don't understand." Cas didn't like hearing her talk like this and so he was scouting about in his head to find a path of redirection.
"I am going to have him amend Lil's birth certificate so that you are listed as her father. This way no one will challenge your custody, and she will be safe." She cast her glance back to the doorway. "How's it going Sam?"
Sam had been leaning in the doorway, but now he strode into the room and took a seat next to the bed. "So, you up to speed, Cas?" He gave Cas a pointed look. Cas read in the look that Sam wasn't sure if this was what Cas wanted.
"I am up to speed. You do whatever M asks you to do. Let me know if I need to sign anything." Cas turned to M then. "She'll never want for anything. I promise."
"Now don't you go spoiling her. She doesn't need that." M gave his hand a little squeeze.
"I hate to interrupt, but Dean is being difficult. Do you think that you can go calm him down?" Sam stared at Cas. "I already tried to work my magic and well, I am not much help apparently."
Cas looked into M's eyes, and she said, "Don't stay on my account. Sam and I have business to attend to." She reached up her hand and gently shooed him away.
"He's in 435?" Cas asked.
"Yes, just a little past your room." Sam lifted a satchel up to his lap then and started pulling out papers. Cas took that as his cue to leave. He made his way down the hall to Dean's room. He heard him before he saw him.
"Look, just unhook these stupid wires and shit, and let me out of here." Cas rounded the corner and took one look at Dean's frantic face. The nurse and the doctor at the foot of his bed wore identical looks of frustration.
"Now, Dean, is that anyway to talk to your doctor?" Cas leaned against the doorframe. Dean seemed to visibly relax.
"Well, now, maybe you can talk some sense into him. We have been struggling quite mightily with him since he got here." The doctor settled a hand on the chair next to the bed.
"Is he trying to escape?" Cas smirked over at Dean.
"Oh, yes. He has been trying to up and walk too. I tried to tell him that he would need to let that leg heal, but he thinks determination is enough. See what you can do." On that note the doctor and the nurse left the room. Cas made his way over to the bed. He sat down on it next to Dean.
"Are you okay?" He asked Dean in a whisper.
"I'm fine." Dean was a bit gruff when he answered. "What about you? I was worried."
"I'm doing better."
"When I saw you collapse, I thought that you had been injured and that I had just missed it. Then no one would tell me what happened." Dean looked like Cas felt. Cas laid his head down on Dean's chest then.
He just wanted to lay here and listen to the beating of Dean's heart. He just wanted to be in this moment knowing that not everything had been destroyed. Dean's hand came up to the back of his head and smoothed out the ruffled hair at the back of his neck. "I couldn't fix it all, Dean. I just wanted to fix it." Cas was choking on the words. He was afraid that he would start crying. Maybe he already was.
Dean just kept up a motion of strokes along the back of his head. "I know. It's okay. It will be okay. Nothing can hurt you now. It'll be okay." And Cas kept laying there letting Dean comfort him, because he needed it, and because it was the only thing that he could deal with anymore.
"She's going to die. The doctors said that she is going to die."
"They don't know everything. Doctors are wrong all of the time." Dean pulled Cas closer so that he was now laying on the bed more fully. He pressed a light kiss into his hair and said, "She is a strong one. Don't count her out yet."
"I won't be able to forgive myself if she dies. I really won't be able to get past that. There will be nothing that will fix that." Cas tipped his head back and looked up into Dean's face.
"I know what you mean. I feel the same way. I never should have taken the files from Sam. I didn't know just how much it would put you all at risk." He looked away like he couldn't handle the look in Cas' eyes. "Nothing I can do now will ever make up for that. I am so sorry, Cas. I am so sorry that I have so completely fucked up your life." Dean looked away and ran his arm up over his face, covering his eyes. He did not pull his arm away. It was as though it was too much for him to even look out at the room anymore.
Cas reached up to him and pulled his arm aside, revealing the beginning shine of tears. "At least you were standing for something. I was standing for nothing. My entire world is nothing. I can't keep working like I was before. I have to leave the firm. I have to start over, do something else. I don't know."
"You're leaving the firm?"
"How could I stay? How could I keep defending the kind of people that did that to M, to you, to me?" Cas drew Dean's face back toward him, getting eye contact again.
"I have truly ruined everything for you." Emotion seemed to be taking over Dean again. "Damn it. I am so sorry, Cas."
"Everything is a mess. My life is a mess. Everything that I have is falling apart, and yes, everything that I thought mattered is ruined." Cas paused then and Dean interrupted.
"I suppose that this is it then. I wish that I had not been so selfish that night. I wish that I had not put myself into your life. I wish that I had just kept on doing my own thing. At least then you would be happy, and I could imagine you through Sam's stories. It could have been enough. It should have been enough."
Cas sat up then. He took Dean's face in his hands and leaned in with a kiss. It was gentle and careful in a way that seemed to acknowledge the fragility of them both. He leaned his forehead down onto Dean's and said, "I will never regret meeting you."
"How can you say that?" Dean started to interrupt, but Cas stopped him with another kiss.
Cas pulled back and said, "I will never regret meeting you, Dean Winchester. I should have so many regrets and I do, but meeting you is not one of them. They did this, not you. They sent A after her, after us. You didn't do that. And you seem to keep thinking that I was happy before, that my life was some great and beautiful thing. Well, it wasn't. It wasn't even a life. I was alone and miserable. I was without hope, or faith, or love. I was existing. Then there was you, and everything changed. Everything in my life is darkness and chaos now, but you are the one shining beacon in all of that darkness, the one bright spot that I see. So no matter how things go from here, no matter how awful things get, no matter what horrible choices I have to make regarding you and I and life, I just need you to know one thing."
Cas paused and took a deep breath. Dean asked, "What is it, Cas?"
"I love you. I need you to know this. I mean really know this. It is one thing to hear the words, to say the words. I think that you will tell yourself that it doesn't matter. Or I think that you will explain it away. You'll tell yourself that I couldn't have meant it. You'll tell yourself that it was all just some sort of confusion for me. So when I say that I need you to know this one thing, I mean that you have to believe it to be true. You have to know that I mean it when I say that I love you. I have said this to exactly three people in my life and I meant it each and every time. But this time, the third time, is it. I will never tell another man that I love him. It is just you Dean Winchester. It will always be you, just you." When Cas finally stopped he didn't know what to do. Dean was staring at him, not moving. It was a moment that felt electric to Cas. He wished that they could be a million miles from this hospital on some desert island somewhere, or even in a crowded city, just not in this sterile, pungent, too bright place of sickness.
Dean seemed like he was going to speak, but then he seemed to gulp it back. He leaned up instead. Their lips met. This time was different. This time it was not a kiss of someone afraid of breaking something. It was a kiss that acknowledged. It was a kiss that demanded more. It was a kiss that would linger long after their bodies parted. It was a kiss that made a promise. It was a kiss that was a light in the darkness. It was a kiss that was for Cas, everything, and he would drown in it over and over again if only he could.
Review, Fav., Follow. Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of the write-ups and kindness.