From the moment that Cas realized that he had fallen for Dean Winchester, his life had not been the same. True, he had already felt himself careening down a wild path of emotions even before it was love, but once it was love, everything changed. He felt a sense of purpose and vitality that had been lacking before. He looked at Dean and he felt connected in a way that was profound. Now, when he looked at Dean, he seemed to know what he was thinking even before Dean had to say a word. This was what was making it so hard.
Cas knew, when Lil smiled at him from that hospital bed, that he would go to the ends of the earth to protect her. He knew that she was now the center of his universe, and that nothing else would ever matter as much as her. He also knew in his own way, that no matter what words he could conjure, that Dean would not go with them when it finally came time to leave. He knew it. Knowing it, though, did not make it any easier. Each had their own ideas concerning what it meant to protect the ones that you love. For Cas, the solution was running and hiding. For Dean it was a systematic removal of the threats found in the universe. It was Dean's own version of the War on Terror. It was a potentially endless mission with no clearly definable conclusion.
A small part of him wanted to blame Dean, to tell him that he was wrong to stay behind. Part of him wanted to make him feel guilty for choosing this so-called mission over them. He couldn't do that to Dean though. He knew how those words would live on in his head, and he knew that saying them out loud would not change the choices that Dean felt he had to make.
Cas knew that Dean needed to see his case through, that it was important. He also knew that solving this great mystery would be complicated, if it was even possible. The answers would not present themselves all wrapped in a tidy little box. Discovery had already eaten up the best years of Dean's life. How many more would he have to give up in pursuit of this elusive truth?
Cas worried about how their leaving would impact Dean. He worried that Dean might forget over time what mattered. He worried that Dean would lose his humanity. It was important to Cas that he not lose that. It seemed to Cas that Dean was willfully throwing himself onto a pyre by staying and working the case. It seemed to Cas that Dean could not see a life for himself that involved peace. He deserved peace, but Cas would never be able to convince him of it. He knew all of this, yet some words would have to be exchanged. He just had to figure out a way to do this without leaving behind too much damage. He knew Dean too well, and he knew that whatever he said today, would linger long after.
He had to decide what needed to linger. What should Dean carry with him as they each moved forward in their separate ways? That was the question. Cas wanted Dean to know that he was loved. He wanted him to know that he mattered. He wanted him to feel self-worth. He wanted him to know that no matter what, he would be waiting for him. That last part was important; it was vital. He could tell that Dean was already constructing his future, just as he had tried to convince Cas that his past was happy before he had come along to 'muck it up.' Cas couldn't change his opinion on that score, but he could try to make his future plans clear. You are it, Dean Winchester. Just you. Always. He had said so much before, and so had Dean to him, but it bore repeating. Bobby had made the point rather well before. Despite it all, Dean had to know what mattered, so that he would know there was something worth living for when all of this was done. He had to know, and Cas had to make sure that he could feel the truth of it before he left.
Their time in the hospital stretched out over a week before the doctors felt that Lil could safely be released. She was a fighter, and everyone was impressed by her ability to bounce back so well. Cas had decided to take Bobby up on an offer that he had made earlier in the week. He told Cas that they could stay at his place as long as they needed to. "Just consider my place home until you find one of your own."Jess and Sam would be staying there too. It would be a full house. Safety in numbers. Cas viewed the offer as generous, and he felt that Bobby's place was likely the last place on earth that he thought of as truly safe. He would put his plans for moving together during the time at Bobby's. It would be easier there than it had been in the hospital, especially now that Lil's recovery seemed solid. Dean would be there too, of course, and there would be time enough for them to talk.
The drive to Bobby's house was a coordinated effort. Cas had his Triumph and Dean had the Impala. Lil rode with Dean, and Jess and Sam followed them in their car. Some shopping had occurred, and there were groceries and other items going to Bobby's in Jess and Sam's car.
Lil had not said anything about the night that they were attacked. It seemed to nearly everyone that she had no memories of any of it. Cas did not agree with the group's assessment. He thought that he saw something in her eyes that seemed scared. He worried that she would wake up one day with all of the memories of that night looming large over her. He worried about how much it would overwhelm her. He saw something behind her eyes when she inevitably saw Sam's face. It was something like recognition or the beginnings of a tempest viewed from a far off shore.
The doctor had ordered that Lil be confined to the bed for a few more days. She would need to take it easy even when she was out of bed. This gave Cas more of a timeline to work with. He was planning to take the Triumph, and Lil would not be able to ride with him on it just yet. He had considered taking a car, but the motorcycle seemed like a good escape vehicle. It had served him well, so far, and it made him feel a little safer.
He carried her up to Dean's room and placed her on the bed. Sam and Jess took the other room. Dean took a seat at the window and said, "I'll stay up here with her. Bobby said that he wanted to talk with you a bit."
"Do you know what about?" Cas brushed back some of Lil's hair and turned to Dean.
"A little. It is about the plans that you are making and not talking about." Dean gave him a pointed look, and Cas felt a little guilty. Just because he could read Dean, it didn't mean that they shouldn't be talking about this.
"I'll talk with you. It just hasn't been convenient yet."
"Will anything with us ever be convenient?" Dean cast him a wry grin, got up, and walked up to him. He pulled him to him and they stood like that for a moment, holding each other and looking down at Lil.
"You feeling okay, Lil?" Cas asked as he broke away from Dean.
"Umhuh." Lil muttered. She was tired. The trip to the house had nearly sent her off to sleep until they hit Bobby's road. The potholes drove her back into the land of consciousness.
"Dean's going to stay up here with you while I go down to talk with Bobby."
"Okay, Cas." She closed her eyes again, and Cas took that as his sign to leave.
He meandered his way down the stairs, past the piles of books toward the kitchen. He could hear Bobby bustling around in there. He appeared to be constructing the beginnings of a large meal for the whole lot of them. "Hey Bobby," Cas said as he moved over to the counter beside the man.
"So, Dean sent you down?" Bobby did not stop his work, but he did glance over at Cas. "Seems like we always have our little chats while cooking." Bobby grinned over at him.
"Well, we did talk out on the porch once too." Cas smiled back. "So what was it that you wanted to talk about?"
"Dean told me that you have been making plans. He told me that you and Lil are going to run off and hide."
"That's true."
"Well, I have been putting some things together for you two. Before you go, I need to give them to you."
"What things?"
"Some things to make a restart easier. You see, I have a little side business that Dean has to ignore, mostly. I make documents for those that might need them. I'm pretty good too. Dean supplied your name, so, don't blame me if you don't like it."
"I don't think that I'm following you."
"I made you a new license and social along with some birth certificates for both you and the little one."
"Oh, you are a man of many talents, Bobby." Cas began helping with the vegetables that were laid out on the cutting board. "So what is my new name?"
"Malcolm Young. Dean said that it was a name from one of his bands. He decided that you should be a singer, I reckon." Bobby was tossing items into a large pot. Apparently, they were having stew tonight.
"You didn't, by any chance, make up some paperwork for him too, did you?" Cas was trying not to sound too hopeful. He knew that it was pointless.
"No. He said that he did not need anything. I guess that means that I'm stuck with him. Sure hope he doesn't go back to being miserable all of the time. It was pretty bad. I was throwing so much work his way from the yard because I thought that it would distract him. Most days it worked. Sometimes it didn't."
"I keep hoping that he'll change his mind. He needs this too, you know."
"I know. He won't go though. It isn't you. It's him. He needs to feel like he is fixing this."
"Do you think that there is a chance that I can change his mind?"
"No. I think that he is a bit stubborn in this regard. He gets that from both of his parents."
Cas raised the cutting board up to the large pot and scrapped in the vegetables that he had chopped. They worked alongside each other in companionable silence. Cas eventually had nothing more to do though, so he ventured to the fridge to find a beer. Sam had stocked them up, so there were bottled beers in front of the cans of beer that Bobby typically bought. Cas snagged a bottle and popped the cap off at the counter. He took a seat at the kitchen table and waited for Bobby to join him. He did not think that they had anything else to talk about, but he was not ready to join Dean again. He knew that seeing him meant talking about his plans, which also meant that it was all real and done.
"What will all of this mean?" Cas wondered aloud.
"You leaving?" Bobby joined Cas at the table. Cas nodded by way of an answer. "I think that it means that you'll need to move on with your life and eventually, so will Dean."
"Do you think that he will? I mean, move on."
Bobby seemed to consider his answer first. "I hope so."
Cas tried not to look sad. He couldn't make eye contact with Bobby. "If I am being honest, I don't want him to move on, but it would be healthy if he did."
"It's no slight to you, Cas. I just think that he has to be with someone. I don't think that he does the solo thing well. If you can't be here, I guess that I want him to at least have something, even if it is second best." Cas looked up at Bobby and saw sincerity in his expression.
"Second best, huh?"
"Don't go getting all sentimental on me. I don't do that shit. I like you Cas. I wouldn't let you shack up with my nephew if I didn't. I hope that it goes without saying that, if you find yourself back around these parts, that I expect you to visit. Bring the kid. She seems tolerable, for a kid." Bobby smiled at him.
"I will. I don't think that Lil and I will be back though. I do need to find a way to establish some form of communication with you and Dean though. Something safe." Cas had been wondering if such a bridge could be established at all without compromising their safety.
"Hmm, I am not sure that's a good idea, Cas." Bobby seemed to be thinking, then he got up and pulled open a drawer near his stove. It seemed to be a junk drawer. He came back to the table with two clunky phones and set them on the table. "You're going to do what you're going to do though. So, these are those month to month types of phones. If you are going to call us, get a card and use these. They aren't traceable in the way that your current phone is. I would also throw out your old phone, or give it to Dean for safekeeping."
Cas reached over and pulled the phones to himself. "Why are you giving me two of them?"
"One for you and one for Lil. Put in emergency numbers in case anything happens. Teach her how to use it, and then have her keep it on her at all times." Bobby looked serious.
"You think that all of this will follow us?" Cas waved out an arm to encompass all that was not in the room and yet was all around them, the dangers, the intrigues.
"Better safe than sorry. I also don't think that you should keep in touch with Dean. I think that it will be easier for both of you. Not to mention, if anything does go wrong in his investigation, it would not take much effort for someone to track you through his contact with you. Just saying, be careful."
"I hear you, Bobby. I guess that I just wasn't quite ready for it to be over." Cas got up, finished off his beer, and set the bottle up on the counter. "I'm going to head up. We done?"
"Yeah, we're done. Talk to Dean though. You know how he fills in the gaps with nonsense when people aren't explicit with him. He has been filling in a lot of gaps where your plans are concerned."
"I will, I just have to think of the right words to say." Cas headed back up to the room. He stopped outside of the door and waited. He took a deep breath and pushed the door open. Dean was sitting on the window seat still. Only now he was reading. Cas walked up to him and whispered, "Has Lil been out the whole time?"
"Yeah. She snores a little too. It's cute." Dean set the book aside and tossed one leg down onto the floor, while the other stayed up on the seat. He reached out a hand to Cas beckoning him to the seat. Cas sat and leaned back into Dean's arms. He stared off out the window and felt Dean lean down into him. "So, you have a good talk with Bobby?"
"It was a talk." Cas snuggled up closer to Dean feeling his arms tighten around him a little.
"Are we going to talk?"
"I don't know where to begin." Cas could feel himself falling apart. He pushed it down though. He thought about before, when he was not with Dean. He compartmentalized. This emotion goes in this place. That emotion goes over there. He did what he could in that moment, redirecting his thoughts to safe places.
"Where will you go?" Dean was rubbing his arm. Holding him like this wasn't the end.
"Jacksonville. It's small, but not too small. We can blend in without much trouble. They have a good school. There's a lake. I might take up fishing." Cas tried to sound light, carefree, as if this was all just a vacation that they would come back from.
"I want you to be happy, Cas. Promise me that you will try to be happy." Cas felt like he was coming apart again. He knew what Dean was saying. He wanted to explain to him just how much he would not be moving on from him. He didn't want Dean to feel the same sense of obligation though. He thought about what Bobby had said, and he wanted Dean to be able to move on. The slightest encouragement might be enough to keep him though, and Cas felt like that was a type of cruelty. Dean deserved better.
So instead of a declaration of love or a moment of begging, Cas just said, "I'll try." He thought about how this all should end. He wondered if it would be best to spell it out, be explicit as Bobby had said. He felt Dean shiver a little against his back, and he just couldn't do it. It's clear enough. It is so clear enough, goddamn it all. And though he didn't want to beg he pushed down and compartmentalized the next wave of emotions and asked, "You sure you can't go with us? We can all have a redo."
"If I don't stay and finish this, you'll never be safe. Leaving would be the most selfish thing I could do." Cas turned a little and looked up into Dean's face. Then Dean added, "Watching you and Lil leave will take every ounce of my resolve, and I am not sure how I am going to do it."
"I wish that I could convince you to let this go. You don't have to take on everything. This doesn't have to be your responsibility." Cas was trying so hard not to sound like he was losing it. He was trying to sound strong, calm. He could hear himself though, and he did not sound confident. He sounded like a desperate man. Push it down. Get control. No more begging.
"Maybe I don't need to take on everything, but I do need to take on this. It matters that I finish this." He could feel Dean kissing his head, quietly, gently. He reached up and squeezed Dean's hand, threading his fingers through Dean's.
"I remember the first time that you held my hand. You made me see stars. I knew then that I had it bad. It was funny. There was popcorn everywhere, and I am a total neat freak, but I couldn't think about anything else besides your hand holding mine." Cas was sharing more than he wanted to share, but the floodgates were opened.
"God, I was freaking out that night. You were so fucking beautiful, Cas. I swear, I almost couldn't take it. Then you had your hand right there. It was the least I could do. I tried to tell myself that it was friendly, nothing more. So dumb, huh?" Cas looked back at him again and he continued, "I had no clue. No goddamn clue just how much you would matter."
He wanted to stop himself. He really did, but he couldn't. He cried. He shook and pulled his legs up to his chest right there in Dean's arms. He felt the tightly wound knot in his stomach, the cracking of the damned compartments. All of it, all at once, came flooding out. He had no words. He had no control. He just wept, and wept. Dean fell into silence and seemed to almost rock him in his arms, hands stroking his hair, his cheek. Part of Cas wanted to run, run until he couldn't breathe, run until everything around him was a blur of broken down cars and distant green fields. He wanted to break things. He wanted to scream. He wanted to beat Dean into the ground and tell him that he was making a mistake. He wanted to tell him to choose them, just choose them, not his dead mother or some elusive justice. Because there could never be that. Nothing could ever fix that past. He wanted, he wanted, he wanted, but he couldn't have this.
He breathed in long gasps. He pressed it back. He could still this tempest. He could weather this storm. He extricated himself from Dean's arms and walked over to the bed. Lil was still asleep. He pulled back the covers and slipped in beside her. Dean watched him from the seat for a time, then Cas closed his eyes. He could hear Dean as he slowly left the room. Cas allowed himself another moment in which to cry, but it was more controlled now. He slipped into sleep, and dreams.
He awoke a few hours later with Lil's hand draped over his side. It was early evening. The smell of dinner was filling the air. He moved off of the bed waking up Lil as he did so. "Is it time to get up?" Lil mumbled.
"Yes. Are you hungry?" Cas was moving to the other side of the bed to help her get up, but she was already up without his help.
"I'm hungry." She started walking out of the room.
"You want me to carry you? The doctor doesn't want you doing too much." Cas was ready to scoop her up.
"No. I want to walk." So she did. She slowly took each step and when she reached the bottom she turned to Cas as if to say, see I told you I could do it myself. Cas smiled at her and they made their way to the kitchen and the noises of family.
"No, way. You totally lied to them and blamed me. I had to look my own mother in the eyes and tell her that I did not buy Busty Asian Beauties. Then she wanted to know just how said magazine had gotten into my sock drawer." Sam was sounding rather jovial.
Dean interrupted Sam's story when he saw their audience. "Well, too bad Sammy is going to have to finish this story on another day. We have company." Dean got up and walked over to Lil. "Come on little one. You sit with me."
"Saved by a kid. Don't think that I won't be finishing this tale of brotherly betrayal. Plus, I think that Cas maybe needs to hear this too. Guy deserves to know the kind of man he has linked himself up with." Sam clearly hadn't gotten the memo on where things were standing between he and Dean, and Cas wasn't planning to add clarity to the situation, now.
So, he redirected. "Bobby, what smells so good? Is that the stew that you were making earlier?"
"Yep. Dig in. These guys practically ate the whole pot. If it weren't for Jess here, you'd have about a spoonful left." Jess laughed at Bobby's exaggeration.
"Yeah, they are neanderthals. Dig in before they start in again." Jess was already scooping a little into a bowl for Lil. She passed the ladle to Cas to dish up his own food.
"Thanks, Jess." They ate and Dean smiled occasionally as though it was all normal. They did not talk about all that mattered. It was frivolous and carefree banter for one and all. It made Cas feel a little sick. At the same time it was what was needed. They had all had enough reality lately.
When dinner was done Lil and Cas meandered back into the living room while the others cleaned up. Lil walked over to the piano and poked at the keys. "Play a song, Cas." She turned to him, and he wanted so much to say no, but he couldn't.
He sat down and she joined him on the bench. "What should I play?" And it was moments like this that told him that he really was seeing something in her eyes.
"Play 'Sleep.' Play it like mom did."
Cas felt a pinch in his stomach at the request. "I don't think that I know it well enough."
"Try." She moved his hands up to the keys, as if this was all that was holding him back. He brushed his hands back and forth over them without pressing out sounds. He was mentally working out the song that he had never played.
After a few moments of this silent playing, he said, "Okay. I'm sorry if I ruin it."
"Just play it." She was certainly a little forceful. Cas smiled down at her and began playing. He remembered to slow it down like M had. He stretched out the notes and lingered on certain words. It wasn't perfect, but he felt like it worked.
"That work for you?" He asked as he pulled his hands from the keys.
"Play another song," she said, adding, "Something that you like now."
Cas thought for a moment, then noticed that the others were listening from the doorway. "You all might as well come in. It's weird if you all listen from back there." Cas put his hands back on the keys. Dean stepped up behind him and rested his hands on his shoulders. Jess, Sam, and Bobby sat on the sofa. They all seemed to be waiting. Cas looked at each one in turn. They were each precious to him in this moment. He tipped his head back and looked up at Dean. He looked back at the keys then and began playing. The tune turned into "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." He sang it slowly like the version he had heard before from a Hawaiian singer that had made it sound like some kind of melancholy love song. Cas felt that it fit his mood.
The lyrics rolled out of him in a deep and sober tone. He did not lose control. Where trouble melts like lemon drops high above the chimney top that's where you'll find me…He sang, and sang. Dean held him, and Cas felt that, if he could just keep the song going, they would never have to part. The song ended though, as it had to.
They said goodnight to the others and made their way up to the room. Sleep would come to them, and then there would be day, and Cas knew that he would never be ready. He did know though, that he didn't like the waiting. The pain of it was too much.
The days stretched on like this, and if one wanted to, one could forget that anything was wrong. Cas didn't want to forget. Forgetting was dangerous. No matter what transpired over these few days he knew that he was damned to his fate.
Each night when Cas went to bed, he wondered if tomorrow would be the day that they would leave. Lil was getting better. He could picture her handling the ride. He believed that by the end of the week that they would be gone.
The nights were also a time of contemplation. Dean would follow them up to bed every night. Cas would crawl in next to Lil. Dean would sit in the window seat and watch them sleep. When morning would come he would be gone. Cas didn't ask him where he went at night. He suspected that Dean got a little sleep in the window seat, but that it was too uncomfortable to offer up a whole night's rest.
On Thursday night, Dean crawled into bed beside him. Cas curled into him, wrapping his arm up across his chest and over Dean's shoulder. It was clear earlier at dinner that someone had clued Sammy in on Cas' plans. Everything was quieter. When he took Lil up to bed it was as though everyone knew that this was their last night.
Dean laid beside him now, and Cas stared at him through the dark. He watched as Dean's mouth parted a little in the early stages of sleep. The exhaustion of the week had finally caught up with him. He did not know how long he had spent watching Dean sleep, but eventually he was asleep too, and it was close to peaceful.
When he woke up, at 3 AM it was with a shiver that bit deep into his core. Dean was not in the bed. Lil's warmth was still at his back though. He looked to the window seat and it was empty too. Dean was gone just like Cas would be in the morning. He slipped out of the bed and walked over to the window seat. He looked out across the salvage yard and saw the glow of lights coming from the shop. The light called to him. He knew that Dean was there. He decided to go to him. Lil was soundly asleep and would be fine alone in the room for a bit with Sam and Jess right next door. He quietly made his way down the stairs. He went out the front door and was surprised by the gruff voice in the dark. "Whatcha doing up?" Bobby was sitting on the porch, rifle by his side.
"I couldn't sleep. I thought that maybe Dean was up." Cas edged out to the steps.
"He's in the shop. Been making a bit of a racket out there. It has quieted down though."
"What's with the gun?" Cas pointed at the rifle by Bobby's side.
"Dean and I have been taking turns with the watch. It's been quiet, but neither one of us wants to take any chances." Bobby waved him off. "Go. You didn't get up in the middle of the night to talk to an old man." Cas turned and walked down the steps and off to the shop without another word.
As he drew closer to the shop, he could hear the loud peals of music blasting out of the room. There was a crash as if something large and metallic had been tossed. Cas pushed open the door slowly, worried that he was, perhaps, intruding. Dean's back was to him. There were tools from the shelves and parts scattered all around the shop. He had apparently been doing a fair amount of damage, throwing items, even smashing in the side of his car. Cas sucked in a sharp breath at the sight of it. He moved further into the room. "Dean." Cas spoke loudly to be heard over the music. Dean jumped a little and turned to him. He looked as wrecked as the room around him. Cas wanted to make this break clean for him. He wanted to make it easy. The look on Dean's face told him that he had failed in this regard.
The music still blasted around them, louder than was comfortable to Cas. It was pressing in on him, making him feel beaten with each pound of the drums, torn with each elongated note from the guitar. The voice was a scream, inarticulate and piercing. Cas stood there in that space wanting to cross the distance to Dean, wanting to tell him that he was wrong, that he would stay forever, right here. He didn't move though. He stood frozen to the spot. It was Dean that moved first. It was Dean that walked with so much purpose, one step, two steps, three steps, and then he was on him.
He was pulling away Cas' shirt as they fell back against the car. Cas felt like he should stop this, but he wanted this too much. He felt like it would only make everything more difficult in the morning, but he pushed that aside. It was a moment that he could not give up. Dean's mouth moved over him, kissing a path from his mouth to his neck. His hands worked feverishly over Cas' now disrobed body. He was pulling at him, clutching him, clinging to him. There was no pattern to their movements, only desperation, desire, and a chaos of need. Cas pulled off Dean's clothing piece by piece, whenever Dean would break free long enough for him to do so.
Cas' body wanted this, his mind though was weeping. He was a wretched mess. Cas held Dean tight. Dean let him at first, then he felt him pulling back to proceed with their acts. Cas felt like this was not love, but some act of distress. He felt full of Dean and empty all at once. He held him. Dean's body moved in time with his. He cursed the night in his head that would not last forever and would also last forever. He wanted this to be different. He wanted to leave with all of the love that they had shared over their too brief time together. This was sad and it was killing him. And, yet he did not, could not, let him go.
Dean held him, eyes closed, and their bodies slowed then. Before it was quick and jarring. Now it was languid and touched by something else. Dean opened his eyes then and stared long into Cas' own eyes. Cas felt less like he was dying. He felt something else entirely. He felt his last moment of love. Dean was giving him this moment and he was taking it in, memorizing it like he had so many other small moments. It would be his forever, his Heaven when life was turned to Hell. I love you, Dean. He thought but did not speak. Their bodies did all of their talking for them. The night, the looming day, the future all waited outside of the shop, and they would confront them in time. For now, though, there was this, and it would have to be enough to carry them onward.
They did not speak in the shop even when they were done. They gathered their clothes and got dressed. Dean waited for Cas to finish pulling on his shirt before he reached over and brushed his hand across his cheek. His hand slid back to Cas' neck and he pulled him to his chest. Cas melted into him. The music in the room was still harsh and too loud. Cas broke free from Dean, walked over to the portable stereo, picked it up and threw it as hard as he could at the far wall. The room became too quiet then. He walked back over to Dean and wrapped his arms around him again.
They stayed like this for a time. Cas ran his hands down to Dean's and threaded their fingers together. He pulled him along, back to the house. Bobby was still sitting on the porch, staring out into the night. They didn't speak. They just walked on into the house. They walked to the bedroom and Dean took his seat at the window. Cas didn't go to the bed though. He sat with Dean instead. He pulled Dean's hands to him now and looked at them, tracing the lines that ran along his palm. He found the lifeline and the line that was supposed to be for love. He pressed his finger along them.
Dean leaned down to him and brushed the dark mop of Cas' hair out of his face. He did not kiss him. He just looked at him closely as if all of the details of this face needed to be cataloged for later. This ritual of theirs went on until the sun was rising outside. Still they did not speak. They could not speak. There was just too much that could not be changed with words.
Lil eventually stirred. When she got up, she joined them at the seat. She did not speak either. They got up together though and made their way downstairs to eat. Dean picked up Lil and carried her. She seemed to know that the act was more about affection, so she nuzzled into his shoulder in a type of hug. When he set her down, she took his hand and directed him to a seat beside her. Cas sat on her opposite side and allowed his gaze to move slowly back and forth from one to the other. The others joined them and they ate breakfast together in silence. They finished and Dean helped them carry down their bags.
Bobby came over to them as Dean was fastening the bags to the back. He handed Cas the folder containing all of his new papers. Cas slipped the folder into the duffle that Dean was fiddling with. The phones had already been stowed away. Dean walked away back into the house. "Thanks again, Bobby."
"Anytime, Cas. Like I said before, you and the little one are always welcome here." Bobby shuffled about a little, like he did not know what to do.
"I'm going to hug you Bobby, and it will likely be awkward." Cas threw his arms around Bobby and hugged him tight. He released him and then Lil did the same.
"Well, that's my quota of affection for the year." He smiled though and made his way up to the porch.
Jess and Sam came over next. "So, you sure about this, Cas?" Sam looked saddened as he asked.
"You know I am." Cas stepped over and hugged him and then turned to Jess, "I guess that I might not be around for the wedding, but just so you know, I can't imagine a more beautiful bride." She threw her arms around him then.
"Oh, shut up. Like any of that matters. Just stay, Cas. Dean needs you." Cas couldn't say anything. He didn't have a way to respond to this.
He pulled away from her though and said, "I wish that I could. It is just not safe enough here."
Jess looked sad then. "I'm sorry, Cas. I know, I know. I just can't understand how this is it." She was crying. Dean was back out in the yard now. He was striding over to the bike with something under his arm.
He reached them and stooped down to Lil's level. Sam and Jess retreated to the porch with Bobby. "Here, munchkin. I got you something for your ride to your new home." He held out a small helmet. She touched it tentatively and then looked up at him. "You have to protect your noggin."
"Thank you, Dean." Dean fastened it on her head and gave it a little knock. He hugged her and she clung to his waist like she would never let go.
Cas stepped up next and ran his hand up Dean's arm. It was a simple gesture that carried with it a great deal of intimacy. Nothing he could say would fill their needs in this moment. He couldn't say that he loved him without risking Dean's potential for future relationships. He could not say anything less without seeming too cold. So he said nothing.
Dean spoke instead, "Be happy, Cas."
"Always," Cas replied without thinking. He looked into Dean's eyes and said, "Be happy, Dean."
"Always, Cas." Dean kissed him then, a too brief brush of lips that said goodbye.
Cas and Lil got on the Triumph and the roar of the engine pierced the melancholy quiet. They slowly rolled out of the yard. Lil waved back at Dean and the others. Cas glanced back one last time and then sped up as they hit the end of the driveway and he turned onto the road.
Love is a drug. It fills the mind with pops of color and the body with warmth. Everything is good and beautiful and oh so important with that first hit of it. It is every hit after the first that becomes a problem. It is the way that the world stops feeling like enough, because it can't be after it has been seen and felt in that way. Love is like the first hit, but sometimes love hits a person in the other ways too.
Love in its early fits of passion consume. The mind sees color and hears song. It floats about on dreams forgetting that anything else can or should be bothered with at all. True those that are in love go about the motions. They work and eat. They sleep and wake. They plod through days and weeks on ideals and platitudes. Love is just like that. It hones one in onto simple distant pinpricks of time until the rest is just sitting off on the periphery. The pinpricks of time spent with the object of one's desire burn bright in the dark, drawing one past all the other distractions. This is love.
Love makes one forget. It makes one lose the patterns and rituals of daily existence for the chaos of the unexpected, until the unexpected is something that is craved rather than feared. It is the rush one feels at the unexpected arms that sweep in and scoop one up, body and soul, into a crushing embrace. It is the beauty of an unanticipated phone call or even a kind word. It truly does a fair bit of distracting in all of its existence. It becomes so easy to lose sight of life's little necessities. Long term goals and aspirations become considerations that take on a secondary position to love. Even those can be forgotten or replaced with something that conforms to the new world of love and desire.
Love is more than this though. It is perhaps unfair to speak of it in a way that can seem so negative, for it is not always so bad to be so consumed. Love is a balm in a gritty, harsh world. Love helps one see what matters because it casts a focused glow on certain things. Love is in that way, not a drug perhaps, but an elixir of life, a reminder that life must be more than muted colors. Love is a reminder of hope. It is also a song to carry one through chaos to home.
Cas looked out at the long road ahead and then down at Lil. There was love, right there with him. It was all that mattered. It was all that could ever matter. They had been riding for some time when he decided to pull over at a rest area, just to stretch his legs. He sat on a boulder off on the side of the road, staring off at the hills. Lil's hand came up and lightly touched his shoulder. He felt her fingers press in a little. Leaving Dean was Hell. But, he could feel himself being pulled from that by her hand gripping him tight with what little strength it had. He turned away from the hills and glanced over at her. She was looking at him steadily, seeming to see the depths of his despair. "I love you, Cas. It will be alright."
"You're right, Lil. It will be. I love you too." Cas told himself that what she said was true, that it would be alright. Believing it was hard, but he could dig deep and find that one small kernel of hope, because that is what love does. It reminds you why we keep going.
Last chance to Review, Fav., and Rec. If you want to get notices for the next thing, follow.
I can't thank you all enough. You have been so encouraging. I feel like this fic would have been so different if not for the feedback. Many thanks to my constants, Mummabro, taytay127, YoungHopeful, Winchestersliveon, Master's daughter, Valerie-Lynn, and smalls907. I hope that the end of this proved satisfying and worth the time it took to read it. Currently, I am feeling the need to work on a sequel. I had to make this part end because some things could not be dealt with adequately through Cas' perspective. In order to change perspectives, I had to end this fic, as the perspective shift would have felt forced otherwise.
So, my plan is to take a healing break/planning break. The next part will likely begin sometime in November. There will be a time jump in the fic and Dean is going to be our main character. I will post the first chapter in this new part in Cas, the King of Karaoke and also under its new name. I hope that I see you all there. If you get bored, feel free to drop me a PM in the upcoming weeks to remind me to get this new fic going. Thanks again, and all the best to you all. I'll miss your daily comments in the weeks to come.