Chapter 42 - Yellow Carnation
"I was thinking of taking you to the library today, by the way."
Yakata paused, scissors poised. "Oh? Why's that?"
"To offset suspicion."
Nadeshiko's tone was too serious to be a joke.
She smiled before a stammer could rise in his throat. "I'm sorry, I didn't truly mean that."
And then she laughed. Yakata hadn't rightly heard her laugh before then; it was faint, almost like a breeze in how quickly it began and ended, and he found it planting a laugh of his own in his chest.
"What I meant was, my mother's been saying you've been at the library all this time. So I thought it would be fitting if we actually went today, so you could see what it's like," she said. "After all, didn't you say you liked to read?"
"Ah, yes, I, I like to read very much!" Yakata said, and she started laughing again. He hunched over a little, his face growing warm. "Um, what, what's so funny…?"
"You just sound so eager," she replied. "I've made up my mind, then. We'll stop working at lunchtime and visit the library. And maybe I'll get you something special to eat along the way."
"Oh, you, you, you don't have to do that…"
She put her hand on his wrist. "I insist. Come on, let's finish up these orders."
Yakata nodded. "Okay…!"
He'd been working at the shop with Nadeshiko for four days, now; it was a Friday, hot and clear-skyed. Inoichi had the radio on in the front room; enka music was playing, and he'd occasionally hum along, Yakata could hear.
Yakata's hands were still bandaged, but they weren't hurting as much, any more. It was mainly for protection, by then, more than anything.
(And from the increasing smiles on Sasuke's end; from the subtle rise in difficulty whenever they sparred, Yakata knew that he was getting better.)
This was probably the most at-ease he had been in a long while, and he told his mama so in his letter to her. He'd sent one out to her, the day before last, telling her all about Sasuke and Ino and his children and his training and the flower shop and how he was okay don't worry about him and he missed her a lot and thought of her all the time and everything, and apologizing for taking such a long time to write in the first place.
(He didn't tell her that it was because of his hands. He didn't want her to worry.)
For once, he felt like he was actually making progress in his training.
(The injuries, despite Sasuke's words, had been more discouraging than he had allowed himself to think.)
(And Sasuke always seemed to say less than what he was really feeling.)
("Harder, Yakata! Hit it harder!")
For once, he had a place where he felt truly and unconditionally welcome.
(Just like home. The only other place.)
(Because even in Sasuke's house, he was just a guest, and he felt this, he knew this, in the way that they looked at him and treated him.)
(But not Nadeshiko. Even Ino, even Karai never treated him so kindly.)
(Even though Sasuke didn't like her. Yakata still didn't get that.)
It felt sappy and embarrassing to think about it that way, and it almost made Yakata's head hurt when he sat back and thought about it, but the more he thought, the more undeniable it seemed.
(Even though it had only been four days.)
(In the flower shop, at least. Yakata had been a guest of the Uchiha house for eighteen days. He had counted.)
"Ah…! I am the woman born under Scorpio…!" Inoichi half-spoke, half-sang.
"Put the tray away, Yakata-kun, we're heading out in a moment," Nadeshiko said.
"Okay." Yakata's feet were quick, leaving the back room, putting the tray down first—he remembered that, now—and putting them in the refrigerated cabinet.
"We'll be back in a while, grandfather." Nadeshiko had slung her purse over her shoulder and in doing so tossed her hair aside; long and dark, just brushing her calves. It rippled slightly in the breeze that came in through the door.
Inoichi just hummed back, waving his hand.
They left. Together.
"So, I was thinking," Nadeshiko said, further down the road, "food first, then books? If we decide to check some out then it'll be easier if we eat first instead of trying to balance food and books."
"Oh, but I, um, I, I don't have a library card," Yakata said.
"Don't worry, you can use mine," she replied.
He lowered his head, smiled. "What did you want to get to eat?" he asked.
"Oh, I'm not picky. It's up to you."
Inoichi had been the one to bring them lunch, on previous days. Nadeshiko would mind the till—though she had taught Yakata the ins-and-outs of the shop, showed him the master notebook of orders, when he had expressed a bare shred of curiosity—until Inoichi would return with cans of juice and convenience store bento lunches, an old bachelor's meal. They'd eat them and talk together with the radio for company.
Here, walking down the street, Yakata was only a little hungry. And presented with the possibility of more than just rice and pickles, he found himself paralyzed by the freedom of choice.
"…don't worry so much about it, okay?" She was bending down a little, her fingers barely touching his back. "We'll figure something out."
And like she always seemed to do, Nadeshiko had Yakata convinced, and he nodded. "Sure, let's just… let's just walk a little more. I'll think about it."
"Take your time."
It was nice, he thought, how she always seemed to know when he felt like talking, and when he didn't.
It was in passing a handful of vendors near a park that Yakata got his idea. He tugged on Nadeshiko's sleeve. "What's that… that shaved ice stuff?" he said.
"What, you've never had it?" she said. Yakata shook his head. "Well, what do you think it is?"
He shrugged. "I don't know, something to do with ice? It's kind of hot out so I, I thought… I thought it might be good."
"It is pretty good. Would you like to get some?"
"Yeah! I mean, if you want some too…"
Nadeshiko smiled, in that slight, insubstantial way, and stepped forward. "It's not the most filling lunch. But," she added, warmly, "I think it's just what we need." She reached into her bag, a simple affair in black, with a zipper, and took out her coin purse. "How much for two?" she asked the vendor.
He was a skinny young man, with hair like red wood shavings. "15 ryou each, miss," he replied.
She put down three coins. "Two then, please."
"What flavors would you like?" The vendor began scraping shaved ice into a paper cone.
"Yakata-kun?" She looked down at him. "You can get any flavor you want."
There was a whiteboard attached to the vendor's cart, on which available flavors were written in different colors. Cherry, lemon, lime, strawberry…
"Um, what, what flavor are you going to get, Nadeshiko-san?" he said.
"Rose-flavored, please," she said, not to him, but to the vendor.
"Ah, then, um, I'll, I'll, I'll get that too," Yakata said.
"Are you sure? It's a bit of an unusual taste," Nadeshiko said.
"I, I, I don't mind. This is all new to me, so I… I might as well go all the way, right?"
There was another smile. "Two roses, then," she told the vendor.
"Aha, coming right up." After pouring the rose syrup on top of the now-two cones full of shaved ice, he handed them to Nadeshiko. He slid the three 10-ryou coins toward himself and dropped them in a cash box. "Thank you very much."
The paper cone felt hollowly cold in Yakata's hands, after Nadeshiko handed it to him. Cautiously, he bit into the ice, and it hurt his teeth.
"What are you doing?" Nadeshiko was laughing, gently, at the grimace on his face. "Here, let's sit down first before we eat."
Yakata ran his tongue against his teeth in an attempt at warming them, and followed her to a park bench.
"The trick is to lick it, not bite it. It's not really like a popsicle."
"Oh, uh, I see." He held the cone for a short while longer before attempting a lick. The shaved ice was like snow, and the rose syrup ran over his tongue and up to the roof of his mouth. It was a strange flavor—more like a smell than a taste. He let it all melt before swallowing, and licking again.
"Do you like it?" Nadeshiko's lips were already stained a faint rose-pink.
"It's interesting!" Another lick, another tasted smell. He swallowed. "But I, I think I kinda like it…!"
"I'm glad."
They ate in the heat, in silence. The air sounded like summer, like yelling, running children, and running water.
And then, like a rock through glass, there was another voice. "Nadeshi-iko-chan! He-ey!"
It was as if she had turned to stone. Her eyes narrowed and her shoulders rose, and she held her shaved ice like a statue holding a bouquet.
The boy coming toward them had eyes of a bewitching angularity, and a jester's smile. "Long time no see!"
"Please leave me alone, Yatsu-san," she replied, quietly. Her voice had hardened into an icy monotone.
"Oh come on, why you gotta be like that? I never see you at the shop any more." He leaned over her, hand on the back of the bench.
"Please leave me alone, Yatsu-san."
"I'm not gonna leave you alone 'til you give me a proper greeting," Yatsu replied.
"Good afternoon. Now please leave."
His laugh sounded more like a hissing cat than anything human. "Y'know, that's why I like you. You play hard to get like nobody else I know. You're fun."
Nadeshiko had her eyes closed. "I'm not playing at anything. I'd like for you to leave me alone. I have the afternoon off and I'd rather spend it with Yakata-kun."
It was then that, finally, Yatsu seemed to notice Yakata sitting there beside her.
(Yakata almost wished he hadn't. People had a way of staring at him.)
"What, y'mean this shrimp? He your kid brother or something?"
"He is my friend. So if you would, please, leave us alone."
(Why did his heart almost jump when she said that, even though her tone had been so sterile?)
"All right, all right, I'll leave you alone with your little friend." But there, Yatsu leaned in even more, his mouth by her ear, though he was not even whispering. "Though the least you can do is promise me a little outing of our own later…"
She raised her arm and, so gracefully, so forcefully, pushed him away, while at the same time barely touching him at all. Her shaved ice fell out of her hand and to the ground as she stood, and began walking. Yakata followed, as if there were a rope connecting them and he had no choice but to trail behind.
Yatsu did as well. "The hell was that for! C'mon, I like you. You're exactly my type! I don't care what everyone else says about you."
"I'm not anyone's type." Her hair was like wings, or black fire, and it made even Yatsu keep his distance.
"Don't say that, you sound so depressed." Yatsu dashed sideways, walking, almost like a crab, to keep up with her. "Seriously, girl, just one date."
"I know what you're after, and you're not going to find it with me."
"Oh, and what do you think I'm after. I respect women, you know?"
She suddenly turned around. "I don't let people near me for a reason. And I do not like you. For your sake, give up now."
There was something in her voice that made Yakata's hands begin to shake, that made the summer air suddenly so very, very cold.
"St-stop bein' creepy like that. And you didn't answer my question, jeez." Yatsu twisted his face into a smile, held his hands out, palms upward, as if he were looking to receive something.
"You seek to attain the unattainable. You're a braggart and a thrill-seeker, with a taste for the macabre. You're not after me, you're after a trophy. Go away."
The smile broke.
(Yakata's shaved ice fell out of his hands and fell somewhere near his feet, though he didn't quite notice. He felt like he was made of glass.)
"Wh-what the hell is wrong with you? I'm just trying to be nice!"
"You're not."
"I'm just trying to ask you out on a date, how is that not nice?"
She didn't respond.
"C'mon, at least give me a try."
"No."
And a sudden breeze, hard and hot and strong, tore through the street where they were standing, and it sent trees bending, and Nadeshiko's hair swirling around her.
Yakata could not see her eyes.
And Yatsu suddenly began making a noise in his throat, like a soft strangling, like a gentle choke, and his expression hardened and did not move.
And Yakata must have done something or said something then because she suddenly looked at him there, with her heavy eyes, and the empty pain in them was terrifying.
For a moment.
A moment later, she reached out and grabbed Yakata's hand, so, so gently, and started to walk, turning her eyes away from him.
Yatsu stayed where he was, loosely frozen. His cut-glass eyes looked glazed over, his mouth slightly open. His knees buckled and he was on the ground by the time Nadeshiko and Yakata had rounded a corner and onto another street, and people were starting to gather by the time they were out of earshot.
Yakata couldn't say anything. He wanted to apologize—but for what? This wasn't his fault, was it? No, it wasn't.
Unless it was to apologize for being so scared, but what was there to be scared about?
(But he had never heard a voice like that before, a voice with nothing in it but…)
(But what did she mean, when she said that she didn't let people close to her?)
(…wasn't Yakata close to her?)
"I'm sorry. You shouldn't have had to see that." Nadeshiko wasn't looking at him, her voice drifting back over her shoulder.
"No, no, no, no, it's, it's okay, it's not… it's not your fault…" Yakata held onto her hand, tightly. She was moving so fast it was almost like she'd disappear if he didn't.
There was no strength in his words, not like her words had.
"I'm going to take you home. I'm sorry. I'll talk to my mother about bringing you to the library later."
His grip tightened. "Wait, why…? We, we, we can still go now, it's okay…"
She didn't answer. Her head bowed, just that little bit lower.
"Nadeshiko-san, really, we can… we can still go to the library, it's okay…"
"I'm not feeling very well. I'm sorry."
She didn't say anything else, not even reassurance, and the silence put a stopper in his throat and it did not feel comfortable there.
Yakata's heart felt like it was going to twist right out of his chest.
Words replayed themselves in his head the entire way back.
"I don't let people near me for a reason."
Why? What was that reason?
"Give up now."
Why?
"I'm nobody's type."
A gentle strangling, a soft choking, Yatsu's eyes wide with something that wasn't horror, it wasn't fear, it wasn't…
And then Nadeshiko was opening the gate to her house, and she had her shoes off and was up the stairs and gone before Yakata could even notice that she was no longer holding her hand.
To his shame, to his bafflement, hot, confused tears began leaking out of the corners of his eyes, and he tried to wipe them away before anyone could see.
Why, why was this happening…?
Ino came down the hallway. "Yakata-kun…? What happened, why are you home so early?"
Yakata swallowed, the stopper on the words in his throat almost making him cough. He wiped his eyes with the outside of his hands. "I don't know, I don't know, s-something's wrong with Nadeshiko-san…"
"What's wrong?"
What was wrong?
Yakata just sniffed again, shrugged, and tried not to look at Ino. The tears weren't stopping.
Ino bent down to eye level with him, and put her hands on his shoulders. They were skinny and they were slightly cold. "Yakata-kun, please, what happened with Nadeshiko? She didn't do anything to you, did she?"
He shook his head, even more fiercely. No, no, she did nothing, it wasn't her fault, it was… "She got into an argument. With a, with a boy named Yatsu. And, and, and, she… she…"
Why did Ino ask him that? If Nadeshiko had done something to him?
("I don't let people near me for a reason.")
(That look on Yatsu's face.)
He covered his whole face with his hands.
"Oh, no…" The way that Ino held him, it was as if he were painful to touch. He only felt the bare surfaces of her hands on his arms, the cold narrowness of her fingers running up and down his skin.
("He is my friend.")
He pulled away from her, locking his eyes to the base of the stairs. "I, I, I, I don't feel so good, Ino-san, I'm… I'm gonna go lay down…"
He bolted before she could say anything more, lunging, step by desperate step, to the seeming safety of Hajime's room.
(No sounds came out of Nadeshiko's room.)
Yakata didn't even know why, exactly, he was crying. But the tears just continued, hot and horrible, staining the pillow he clung to as his mind tumbled and tangled into itself, just struggling to understand.
"I don't let people near me for a reason."
But what was that reason? And wasn't Yakata close to her?
(Sasuke wasn't close to her, and the way that Ino, that Karai, that everyone else behaved around her…)
"He is my friend."
Why would she say that if he wasn't…?
His chest burned with the desire for comfort, for both himself and for Nadeshiko.
He just wanted things to make sense.
He wanted for Nadeshiko to smile again.
He heard footsteps coming up the stairs, but they did not stop at his door. They ceased midway up the hall, and then, a voice: "Nadeshiko? Honey? What happened? Let me in, I want to talk to you."
If there was a reply, it was too quiet for Yakata to hear. And whatever was said, Ino was not allowed in. The footsteps retreated back down the hallway, down the stairs, and did not come back up again.
Yakata didn't remember falling asleep, but his pillow was dry when Karai knocked on his door and asked if he wanted to help her set the table for dinner.
Nadeshiko didn't show up for the meal. Nobody said anything about it.
There was little talk at dinner, as usual. There were no questions asked of Yakata, now that he had his established schedule. Away at the library, strengthening the mind when he wasn't with Sasuke.
(Even thinking about the lie made his heart twist just that little bit more.)
It was just like Inou and Karai, always away at training, no longer questioned now that Yakata was keeping Sasuke so busy and, for once, pleased by something.
Hajime was gone on another mission. As usual.
Takeru got his words in to his father but found them dampened, extinguished before the full fire of a conversation could even begin to stir up.
Yakata felt grateful for the intensity of the training that night. When Sasuke was in a good mood it leaked into the enthusiasm in which he trained Yakata. Always pushing him harder, higher, faster.
"You're an inch away from the bulls-eye, Yakata, I know you can do it."
("I don't let people near me for a reason.")
"Higher! You can get up to the top of that tree, I know it."
("I'm not anyone's type.")
"Hit me like you mean it! I don't care! Just punch as hard as you can!"
("He is my friend.")
Yakata's fist hit Sasuke in the stomach and sent him reeling, coughing, catching his breath. "Easy there…! I think that was… a little… too effective… Yakata…!"
His mind was too distracted for him to even apologize properly, mumbling out something resembling sorry, barely hearing the assurance, the praise that came in return.
"…seems off, is something bothering you?"
Yakata looked up from his hands. "Huh, what…?"
"You seem angry about something. What's going on?" Sasuke had his hands in his pockets, and Yakata didn't know if it was the half-light of the training ground's lanterns, or anything else, but he seemed very tired, standing there.
"…I'm, I'm, I'm not, um, angry about anything…"
He was just confused, he was just scared, he was just…
"Hm. Well if something's bothering you, you know you can talk to me about it."
("I don't let people near me for a reason.")
"Um, it's… it's fine, actually, it's just…"
"Just what?"
If he didn't mention the flower shop, the outings, then maybe, maybe…
"...Nadeshiko-san, she's… she's just got me worried, is all."
"…worried? She hasn't been talking to you, has she?"
Sasuke's tone was just like hers had been, in the park, and it made Yakata feel sick. "No! No, not, not, not at all, I just, I see her, um. Around the house and. And the way she goes about things it just… Well I, I just, um, I worry sometimes…"
"Like?"
It was never her, never her doing, she was always out of the house, always in that wonderful flower shop, always away.
("I don't let people near me for a reason.")
"…like, like, um, how she… avoids… people." Yakata's feet padded in the dirt, and he almost wanted to root himself there and never move again. "People don't…"
Sasuke didn't like her. But something in Yakata kept him from saying this so directly, not to his face.
"…is there something wrong with her?"
Sasuke took a very long time to answer. "…she's not someone I want you to be around."
Twist. "But, um. But, why? I mean, what's, what's, what's wrong with her…?"
"That's nothing you need to worry about. Put her out of your mind. It's affecting your training."
Like his daughter, Sasuke's words held power; but they were not a reassurances, they were undeniable commands.
And ones that Yakata couldn't follow.
The painful mystery stayed with him the entire night, after they went home, after everything else he did, and it kept him from sleeping restfully.
Nadeshiko was gone the next morning.