Chapter 49 - Bittersweet Nightshade

"My sister Nadeshiko was born about one, two years after me. And since she was a girl, my father didn't have many expectations for her. Which I suppose was fair, given that he already had me and Hajime. Two sons, you know? That's usually more than enough for most people.

"But, then, well, Inou was born, eventually. And then Karai. Which I suppose is beyond the point.

"The point is, my father wasn't terribly keen on her from the start. But my mother didn't mind that much at all, she'd always wanted a girl. So Nadeshiko was always staying home with her, helping her around the house. She was always a very… quiet person, even back then. She didn't like to talk to people, she liked to play by herself. She wasn't very close to me or Hajime either, though when Inou was born she helped Mother take care of him. Not sure how much that counts, though.

"I guess you could say she's always been…" A very long and thoughtful pause. "Different. She taught herself how to read, before she even went to school, you know? Just by finding books around the house and picking through those. Of course, nobody noticed then, but by the time she was five it became really apparent how smart she really was. When they sent her to the academy, just like everyone else. Do you know how long it usually takes someone to graduate from that school, Yakata-kun?"

Yakata shook his head.

(Everything else was shaking, also. Slightly.)

"Seven years, normally. Of course," Takeru added, "there will always be exceptions to the rule. I, personally, graduated after only three years. And my brothers have done it in five."

"O-oh."

"Nadeshiko graduated after just one year. The same year as me and as Hajime."

Yakata swallowed.

"It shocked everyone. There was a genius hiding in that mind, behind that pretty face of hers. My father was probably the most surprised. After all, you don't expect great things from such quiet children, really. Or girls. But there she was.

"He was nothing but excited once he got over that part. And right away he was Nadeshiko this, Nadeshiko that, just all over her. He insisted on training her himself. It left no time for me or for Hajime but, well. Then again, we'd both been assigned to three-man cells, so we had new senseis to teach us. It wasn't a big loss."

Takeru said, his beautiful, slender fingers tightening into themselves.

"He was so happy to have someone so talented to train, though. That's the thing about my father. He loves challenge and he loves improvement. Maybe that's why he's so keen about you, Yakata-kun. Why he pushes you so hard."

(The little boy with the face plastered in bandages and healing salves.)

"It was really wonderful, for maybe a year or so. Hajime liked his sensei, I liked mine enough, and my father was the happiest he'd ever been, training Nadeshiko, just further exploring that talent. I didn't think it was creepy, back then, the way she just followed orders without question. Doing whatever he asked of her. Then again, you're supposed to obey your parents, right? I suppose she took that a little more literally than people are supposed to.

"That's the thing about Nadeshiko, Yakata-kun. She tries to act normal but there's no understanding behind the actions. She does them in imitation, because that's what she's told to do, because that's what everyone else does. At the academy she liked to just sit and watch other kids play instead of actually joining in.

"Though… and this is just what I've heard, but—when she actually tried to finally play with them, she was just a little too friendly, just a little too perfect at playing games. The teachers, of course, caught on, but they just dismissed it as bullying. But kids are sometimes more perceptive about that kind of stuff.

"The rest of us didn't really find out about this until it was too late."

"Wh-what do you mean by, by too late…?"

Deep breaths. Yakata was taking deep breaths.

"Well, there's this thing we have about twice a year, called the chuunin exams. It's… I suppose you could say it's a test of skill for ninjas, and it allows for promotion to higher-ranked missions. More dangerous missions—but they're also more exciting, and they pay better. It's basically necessary for anyone that wants to advance beyond the basics. My, ah, other brother and sister are both participating this year. We'll have to see how that turns out."

"Ah, I, I see…"

"Everyone else has participated, though. I managed to advance and get promoted through the exam when I was… oh, maybe a year older than you—you're ten years old, right? And Hajime was in the same bracket as me, though we didn't actually get to fight each other."

"Fuh-fight? Y-you, you might have had to fight him…?"

"Mm. The final phase of the exams involves one-on-one, no-holds-barred combat between participants. It's normally very exciting to watch."

"Nuh-normally…?"

The puzzle pieces began slowly gathering themselves at the center of the table.

"They decided that Nadeshiko was ready to participate in the exams after she turned eight years old. My father insisted on it. Even though we were older, Hajime and I were held back that year.

"She was a marvel. Everyone saw it. I heard about it all after the fact, how she just breezed through every trial they threw at her like it was nothing. And when they gave her a month or so to train, my father all but disappeared, he was so busy with her. He was so excited for her. She was the youngest participant in years.

"So then the actual tournament began. And of course the whole family showed up to watch: me, Hajime, my mother. Inou and Karai were so young, so I doubt they have any memories of this happening, but I do. Actually… I think I was about… your age when this all happened, Yakata-kun."

Yakata swallowed. Breathed. Deeply.

"And Father was just so excited, he'd spent the whole month just training with Nadeshiko non-stop. He couldn't wait to see how she'd do.

"Turns out, he'd trained her too well. Her first opponent was that boy, Kugi Shusuke.

"And… Yakata-kun, I have never seen anything more terrifying in my life, the way she fought. It was like she wasn't even human, just something wearing a human skin. She tore into him without mercy. Broke his back. He was almost five years older than her, and she handled him like he was an infant."

(Five years older than eight meant that Shusuke had been thirteen. Once.)

(He had been older than Yakata.)

(She was older now.)

Takeru's hand on his shoulder tightened. It did little to reduce his trembling.

"And do you know why she did it? They asked her, after the match, after she was declared the winner, why she had gone so far. And she just said, 'I was told not to hold back, and I didn't.' I was there, when she said that. I'll never forget those eyes of hers. There was nothing in there. I couldn't believe that something like that was my sister."

Something. Yakata tried to breathe deeply and couldn't.

Takeru's hand was trembling, a little. It took him a very long time to continue.

"The look on my father's face when she said that, Yakata-kun. It was like someone had stabbed him in the stomach."

Another pause. Takeru seemed to calm himself, slightly, clearing his throat.

"They disqualified her, of course," he continued, quickly, halfway through his cough. "Once it was apparent that Shusuke hadn't made it. Not like… he had any chance at surviving, anyways, the way she had..." Another cough. "And then one morning she was gone, and I didn't see her again for months. I don't know where they took her. A hospital, or an institution, or something.

"Father wasn't ever the same after that, too. He focused on me, on Hajime, on Inou—Inou entered the academy the year after all this happened, you know—and trained us harder than we'd ever trained before. Hajime and I even qualified for the next round of chuunin exams, in the winter. And we both passed, of course.

"When she finally came back she was like how she is now. Like she was before, but now it's like there's something… I don't know. Missing. Like she's not as alive any more. I personally think they did something to her, but, then again, what do I know?"

Takeru knew a lot. He knew a lot more than Nadeshiko had told him.

"Father never did forgive her for what she did. For misusing her talent like that. Her power. He can't forgive himself, really. Thought he'd taught her better. But, really… can you blame him? For getting angry at himself, for having his own child turn out like… well, her?"

Yakata didn't know. But all he could do was shake his head.

There was a long and a dry pause.

Yakata spoke. "And he, he doesn't, and he doesn't like her vi-vi-visiting him because…"

"Oh, it disgusts him. Making an effort, but feeling none of the remorse. He hates that. He just wants her to stop. But she doesn't. What was it you said she called it? Repaying her debt? I suppose that's how she's rationalized it…"

Yakata's mind floated back to that place again, carried on by the words and.

"She hasn't, well. Done any sort of ninja work since then, either. I wouldn't be surprised if she was banned or something. Deemed too dangerous to work. Of course, nothing's happened since but… well."

And Takeru looked at the ceiling with an expression that was never made to touch his face, an expression that shattered confidence and smothered assurance.

"…even I'm still afraid of her."

Back to Yakata. Back to looks of worry, pity, sympathy. That suited him only barely more. "Maybe that's why I'm so concerned about you. Since you've gotten so close to her. She's never let anyone so close to her."

("I don't let people near me for a reason.")

Takeru took a careful breath in through his nose, and a deep one. "I think you're… a fine kid, Yakata-kun. I don't want to see you hurt. And with this whole Nadeshiko thing… I'm just trying to warn you. I mean, I suppose she's harmless now, yes. But if something did happen, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. I doubt my father would, either. That's why he blew up so badly at her, the other night, you understand? He's scared too, about what might happen."

Yakata nodded very, very slightly, very, very shakily.

"…but even with that, Yakata-kun. I… I just can't help but feel that you aren't being treated well here, overall. Even I wasn't trained until my hands bled and I had burns on my face."

This, Yakata looked up at. "Y-you weren't? But…"

But wasn't ninja training supposed to be like this? It was supposed to be difficult, wasn't it? Things were difficult.

"You're having a tough time. I can tell. The training, this… stuff." And Takeru moved his hand off of Yakata's back and onto Yakata's hands. "If you ever want to talk to someone, you can talk to me. I want to help. You don't deserve this much pain, physically or emotionally. You can talk to me, ask me anything. Honest."

And all Yakata could do was nod and nod and breathe and breathe deeply.

"I, I, I, I think I, I'd like to, to be alone for. For a little while, Ta-Takeru-san… Please…" he finally said, whispering, trembling.

"Sure, I understand. There's a lot to think over. I'm sorry I had to be the one to tell you, but… I think it'll be for the best."

Yakata nodded, nodded, nodded.

Takeru got up off the bed, and began to leave.

"I just don't… I don't understand…"

Takeru turned around. "Hm?"

"She's just… she's just so, so nice to me and she said I had, I had a, she said she had a flower for me… She c-couldn't have…"

Yakata's hands were in front of his eyes.

"I, I, I, I don't understand…"

"Maybe she has been nice to you. Maybe she even cares. Or, at least, thinks she cares. I just don't want to take any chances, if it turns out that you're wrong and something happens. You're too good a kid for all this."

Takeru closed the door behind him.

And Yakata curled into his trembling knees.

And he did not cry.

He couldn't.

It wasn't like he was scared. Well, he was scared, but this wasn't a normal fear.

His mind rebelled against Takeru's words.

Gentle hands.

(That had killed someone.)

Those kind words.

(Just imitations with no feeling behind them.)

But he was her brother. He had known her for years. He knew things.

(Yakata knew things too, didn't he?)

She had killed someone, she had no emotions.

(And yet, he remembered how tightly she had held him that night, in the hallway. How she had smelled like incense and earth and Shusuke's flowers.)

(How much she appreciated the flowers he had made for her. She had noticed he had put her name in it.)

(She had a flower for everyone she cared about.)

She cared about Yakata.

…he flopped onto his stomach and pressed his face into the pillow as hard as he could. It hurt his skin and his lungs but it was all he could do to keep from screaming, holding his breath until he couldn't stand it any more.

He couldn't blame Sasuke. He couldn't, because, because, she had killed somebody, because she wasn't normal.

(But, but she seemed normal to Yakata, but she was so kind.)

Sasuke hated himself, he hated her, there was.

Nothing Yakata could do about that.

He shut his eyes tight. It hurt, it hurt.

He couldn't blame Sasuke but.

But that was in the past. She visited every Saturday. She was sorry. She was sorry.

(It wasn't possible, that she didn't feel anything.)

(He remembered how fast her heart had been beating when she had held him.)

And it was in remembering this that Yakata looked up, chest burning.

Her heart had been beating so fast. Just like his.

Had she been excited?

("I don't let people near me for a reason.")

…scared?

(That she was getting so close?)

("She's never let anyone so close to her.")

(Those were Takeru's words. Takeru's words. Takeru, who knew better.)

("Besides, I have never heard her laugh so much in my life. That is something. I'm glad she has you, Yakata-kun.")

(Inoichi. Her grandfather. He knew her too.)

She had felt something.

She felt things.

Takeru was wrong. Even though he was her brother.

Maybe he was telling the truth.

But he was wrong about that.

Nadeshiko felt things, she cared about him.

She was sorry for what she had done to Shusuke, surely.

And she would never hurt him.

…at least, he hoped she never would.

But he trusted her.

And he hugged his pillow and thought about her heart and how bad she must have felt about everything.

How bad he felt for her and how little he could do about it.

Though the next day was Sunday. And she said that she would see him again at the flower shop.

Maybe he could do something then.

He had stopped shaking, his brain no longer reeling with paradoxes and inconsistencies. He had one truth, the truth that Nadeshiko felt things, and that she cared about him, and he clung to that truth for dear life.

That was the only thing that was important.

(And the only thing he could do to keep his body from being completely taken over by the sheer, guts-clenching horror he had been feeling, otherwise.)

(And the restless wonder and forbidden curiosity about the woman, Murasaki. Had she known his father?)

(Her puzzle pieces remained, shining vaguely at the edges, at the far side of the table of his mind.)

He rested his head on the pillow again and breathed in deeply. Repeating over, and over.

She feels things, and she cares about me, and she's sorry. She feels things, and she cares about me, and she's sorry.

And once he was convinced he wouldn't worry Ino, he went downstairs. The television was on, he heard, so he slid the door to the living room open just a little bit and peeked shyly in.

Ino had her knees drawn up to her chest, leaning against the arm of the couch, though her position loosened when she heard the door. "Oh, Yakata-kun, is something the matter?"

"N-no, Ino-san, I'm… I'm fine, actually," he said, and offered a little smile. "I, I just wanted to, um. Let you know that, that I'd be happy to get dinner started, whenever you're… you're ready."

Ino's smile in return was uneasy, or it could have been genuinely relieved. Yakata couldn't tell. "Sure, I'll let you know." She'd fully unfolded, there, her feet on the floor. "Did you want to join me before then? There's nobody else in the house but Takeru, and he's up in his room listening to music or something…"

"Oh, um, I, I don't… like television much, Ino-san…"

"Oh." A spark of memory. "My mistake, then, I seem to have forgotten."

Yakata slid the door open, just that little bit more. "I wouldn't… I wouldn't mind, um. Giving you a little company, though," he said. "Really, I, I wouldn't."

There, that smile was undeniably relieved. She patted the cushion beside her, and he sat there, holding his hands on his knees. "I was just watching some soap opera, but we can put on whatever you want." She reached for the remote, on the table in front of them.

"No, it's fine. We, we can keep watching this."

She pulled her hand away. "Well, all right, then. Just let me know if you get bored."

"I will."

Yakata didn't end up watching much, just pressing his head back into the cushions, his thoughts in other places.

Slowly, the afternoon slipped into night.

The next day was Sunday, and Yakata would see Nadeshiko at the flower shop. He helped with dinner, he trained with Sasuke (Sasuke, whom he couldn't blame, who seemed back to normal, who was smiling a little while they ate), he took a bath (face stinging, face stinging), but his mind was in that tomorrow.