Author note:
Hello, everyone. English is not my first language, so be easy on me. Thanks for those who have taken time to review and follow the story.
Have a nice day.
Danny had never felt so alone, so lost in his life before and he knew it was only the beginning of pain and suffering.
Everything that he remembered had turned into painful memories. They are sharp like shards of glass, and it was slowly cutting through him every time he remembered shooting Steve. He couldn't escape from those memories or hide from them. They were slowly growing, taking a shape of a monster, imprisoning him. He couldn't scream or fight back. He had no choice but to just endure them every time memories of him shooting Steve flashed through his minds.
He has experienced pain before, when Rachel left him and married Stan, when he had to fight for Grace's custody right, even when Matt was murdered but nothing compared to this. Chin said Steve was alive, but what was his real condition? Will Steve ever forgive him? First of all, will he have the guts to see Steve to beg for his forgiveness? He was scared of what future might hold for him.
He pulled his knees up to his chest, wrapped his arms around his shins and let his head fall down to his knees. There was no way he could hide from the thoughts in his head. Danny heard the sound of the door being opened.
"I said I want to be left alone!" Danny snapped even before he could look who was standing at the door. He chose silence when he saw Rachel but then panicked when he saw the bandage on her forehead.
"I didn't d-do that to you, right?" Danny stuttered.
"No, Danny. Not you." She was instantly beside him on the bed. "I know you wanted some time alone but I know you. I know what kind of thoughts must be running through your mind right now so I came in to tell you something."
Rachel continued when Danny remained silent.
"It would be a lie if I say I can understand what you're going through. Maybe I can't understand your pain but I do know how much Steve meant to you. I know he has always been a brother, he filled the void left by Matt."
"What I did…" Danny began to whisper.
"You didn't do it, Danny," Rachel argued.
"But it doesn't make me feel any better, Rachel. Tricked or not, I was the one who shot him. It will never be okay."
Danny has a look in his eyes that Rachel has never seen before and it scared her. She forced a smile and placed her hand on his knees. Rachel sighed, she knew only Steve would be able to put an end to Danny's misery.
"Yes, you're right." Rachel said as she gently rubbed his knees. "It will not be okay today, tomorrow or even after one month, but one day it will. Trust me, it will."
Danny wanted so badly to trust Rachel's words but he doubted it. He knew no matter how much he tried to forget, to forgive himself, what he did would keep taunting him. Even if Steve forgives him, this guilt, the grief he was feeling would reemerge again and again. Like a revengeful ghost, it would haunt for the rest of his life.
-H50-H50-H50-
"Chin, where are you going?" Kono asked as she tugged Chin's arm and forced him to face her.
"Where you think I am going?" Chin threw his hands in the air.
"Chin, going to see Michele at this moment is not going to do us any good."
"Oh yeah?"
"Chin, I get that you're angry." Lou stepped beside Kono.
"Damn right, I am!"
"Chin, we have nothing against her at this moment and you know that. Right now, our priority is to get Joyce. Michele is in the prison and she is not going to run away. I promise you we will have some time alone with her and you can give all the shit you want to her, but right now, we need to get Joyce. Without her, we have nothing to pin on Michele."
"Even if we get Joyce, knowing Michele, I can guess she must have already worked on a backup plan," Chin argued.
"Perhaps, but now we find Joyce first."
-H50-H50-H50-
"Rachel, where is Grace?"
"I send her back home since it's getting late. Someone needs to be with Charlie."
"You should go home too."
"Grace made me swear that I will not leave you alone."
Danny forced a chuckle. "I'm not going to do anything stupid."
"We know." Rachel said quickly. "That's not why I'm staying."
After few moments of silence, Danny spoke. "Rachel, do you think I will be allowed to see Steve?"
"Danny, what kind of question is it? Of course, you can go in and see him."
-H50-H50-H50-
They have been standing outside of Steve's room for some time. Rachel didn't say anything, she continued to hold Danny's hand and waited for him to say anything or to take the first step.
"Rachel," Danny called. His voice was soft. "I want some time alone…with him."
"I know." She nodded. "I'm right outside if you need me." She let go of his hand, gently rubbed his back before she stepped away from him and sat on a chair nearby.
Danny inhaled. Thoughts accelerated inside his head when his hand reached for the knob. At that very moment, his mind replayed the painful attack again. His heart started to beat harder and faster. Turning the knob, Danny pushed the door and his weak legs were plastered at the entrance. His eyes were fixed on Steve's fragile body. Forcing down the bile threatening his throat, Danny took slow but steady steps into the room. Danny walked to the other side and sat on the chair beside the bed. Steve looked as still as a brick. If the sight of a tube forced down Steve's throat was already disturbing enough, the wheezing sound ventilator was making each time it sent air down to Steve's lung was cruel to send chills down Danny's spine.
With tears waiting at the corner of his eyes, and words losing its voice, Danny found himself in one the situations he has never been well in dealing with. It was hard to imagine that the man lying on the bed in front of him was the same man, same partner, same best friend, same brother that added special meaning in his life.
Danny blinked, allowing the tears to roll down his cheeks. "S-Steve," Danny spoke, his eyes drifted to Steve's heart monitor. "I'm not here to explain why I did what I did."
Steve's heart rate decrease by two numbers and increased back after few seconds.
"I'm here to say I'm s-sorry." Danny wiped his tears away. "I'm not sure if I still have the right to ask you for anything after what I did to you but Steve, please be okay. You have to wake up."
Danny's hand quickly found Steve's without any second thoughts and the moment he touched, he felt nothing at all. The hand left lifeless and that frightened Danny. As if the touch triggered something, Danny quickly let go of Steve's hand, took steps backward and bumped into the wall.
It was his fault, it's because of him Steve ...
Sounds that were near felt like far away. He started to breathe all wrong, beginning to gasp like there was no enough oxygen in the air.
Sincere apologies for the mistakes if there are any. All feedback are appreciated. Thank you for your time.