Chapter 7
When Hanna woke up the next day she was at first disoriented. The room surrounding her was unfamiliar, the bed not hers, the arms surrounding her like part of a familiar dream.
When she turned her head she saw Caleb was indeed there with her and he was awake. Apparently he had been watching her sleep.
"You're here. It was a dream." She said softly.
"What was a dream?" He asked just as softly tucking her hair behind her ear gently.
"I dreamt that all of this wasn't real. That I was actually at home in Rosewood and you were still gone." She said sadness coating her expression.
"You're awake now and I'm right here." He reassured her pulling her closer by the waist where his arm had been resting.
"Yes you are. Were you watching me sleep?" She asked raising an eyebrow.
"Maybe. I think the last time I actually watched you sleep was when we were sitting in the car. You looked so peaceful that night considering everything you were going through then." He told her with a small sad smile. She didn't say anything for a minute just continued to look at him quietly.
"I love the way you look at me." She said suddenly a slight blush tinting her cheeks.
"How do I look at you?" He asked curiously.
"Like I'm important." She answered.
"To me you are. The most important person I've ever had in my life. You're always there when I need you and even when I think I don't you never back away." He told her a hint of amazement in his voice.
"I'm scared Caleb." She said.
"Of the doctor's today?" He asked her.
"Yes of that but of other things too." She replied.
"Like what?" He asked.
"You leaving me again. I don't think I could take it again. I barely survived last time. Actually considering where I am now I guess I didn't really survive last time." She said looking away.
Caleb turned her head back toward him and stared into her eyes intently. "I'm not going anywhere Hanna. Leaving you broke a part of me that I never want to break again. One of these days I'm going to prove to you that I'm here for the long haul this time but until I do I've got something for you." He said moving away from her to reach into the bedside table. Turning back to her he handed her a square box.
"What is it?" She asked curiously when he handed it to her.
"Open it and find out." She said with a laugh. She opened it up and gasped at what she saw inside. There were two rings a his and hers set. Hers had a small diamond in it and the words 'Here with you' was engraved into the inside band. His was just a plain band with the words 'Forever my love' engraved into the inside band. Tears instantly flooded her eyes as she realized that not only was she his but her was hers as well.
"When did you have time to get these?" She asked.
"I've had them for a long time. I got them just before we went to Ravenswood. I always planned to come home to you Hanna Ravenswood never changed that. I didn't know how to explain what was going on to you without you rushing to my side so I did what I thought was best and let you go. Not for one second though did I ever stop loving you and I never will." he told her softly as he grabbed the bigger ring and slipped it on his own left ring finger.
Tears were streaming down her face as she held out her hand for him to place the other ring on her left ring finger and when it easily slid into place she smiled before leaning up to kiss him gently.
The kiss didn't last long because they both knew that with the doctors appointment looming ahead of them today they had a lot to get done. It was already after eleven and they had to be at the doctors for one o'clock. Hanna was the first to get up and head for the shower while Caleb went into the main house to make some food for them. By the time he got back with sandwiches and drinks Hanna was dressed and sitting on a bar stool at the small kitchen in the guest house.
"I think maybe we should stock this kitchen up so we don't have to keep going into the main house when we want something." She said with a laugh.
"I agree." He said laughing himself. He ate quickly, put his dishes in the sink and gave her a quick kiss on her head before he headed into the bathroom for his own shower.
Twenty minutes later he was showered, dressed and ready to go. They had to leave at noon since the doctors was quite a ways away and they wanted to get there in time. Here in California it was hard to know what the traffic was going to be like.
They headed inside the main house to talk to his mom about the appointment wanting to know what they would need to bring with them, and what the doctor was like. When his mom asked if they would like her to go with them they quickly nodded knowing that it would be easier to have her there to help with any questions they might need answered that they didn't know.
At ten to twelve they all piled into his moms SUV and headed off to the doctors. Caleb and his mom were talking about the different schools to get them enrolled into. They only had a few months left before they graduated and the less school they missed the better.
Hanna on the other hand sat in the back seat saying nothing. She knew that this appointment was important but for the life of her she just couldn't care less. She was afraid of how she was feeling right now or the lack of feeling actually but she didn't know how to fix it. Everything just seemed to be moving so fast and yet so slow at the same time. She couldn't catch up and didn't understand what was happening to her.
Thank god Caleb was there for her she kept thinking to herself. She knew that if she needed to she could lean on him and though it seemed selfish she also knew that until she started feeling more herself again she was going to be leaning on him a lot.
"Hanna?" Caleb asked turning his head to look at her in the mirror.
"What?" she asked coming out of her daze.
"We're here." He said softly pointing out the big grey building.
"Oh. Okay." She said her expression giving nothing away.
"Are you okay? If you're not ready for this we can reschedule." Caleb told her gently worried with how out of it she seemed.
"No. I should just get this over with. The sooner I find out what's going on the better." She said her tone still not changing making Caleb frown and his worry level sky rocket. As they had driven to the doctors he noticed that Hanna had been getting quieter and quieter and she had seemed to shrink in on herself like she was protecting herself from something bad.
He grabbed her hand as they began walking towards the doors squeezing gently to let her know he was with her. She smiled briefly at him and gripped his hand hard her fear showing to him through that grip.
"It's gonna be okay Hanna I promise." He said trying to reassure her.
"I'm so scared Caleb. I don't know what's wrong with me. What if it doesn't get better?" She said anxiously.
"We're here to find that out. Things will get better Hanna you have to believe that." Caleb told her.
"Don't worry too much dear I'm sure everything will be just fine." Claudia said speaking for the first time since leaving the car.
They entered the building silently and Hanna went to the front desk to check in with the very friendly nurse behind the counter.
"Hanna Marin. I have an appointment at one." She said to the nurse.
"Okay. Have a seat and fill this form out and the doctor will call you in shortly." She said handing Hanna an intake form. Hanna went and sat down beside Caleb and began to fill out the form filling in all the information she could and only leaving a few blanks. "Mrs. Dawson could you fill in the address and phone number section please?" Hanna asked quietly gesturing to the papers.
"Of course dear be happy to." She said with a smile holding her hand out for the papers.
"Thank you." She said softly.
"No problem." Claudia replied with a smile.
Once the blanks were all filled in Hanna took the papers to the front desk and handed them back to the nurse. The nurse smiled and took the papers, getting up and heading into the back of the clinic as Hanna went and sat back down.
A few minutes went by before an older woman came out and spoke. "Hanna Marin?" She questioned.
"Uh…yea that's me." Hanna said standing up. Before she took a step she turned to Caleb. "Will you come with me please?" She asked quietly anxiety lurking in her eyes.
"Of course." He said standing up and taking her hand before they both followed the doctor into her office in the back.
"Have a seat you two. I'm Melinda Hayward and it's nice to meet you. You must be Caleb. Now I spoke briefly with Claudia on the phone about what this visit is about so I have a few questions that'll help me understand what's been going on so let's get started." She said as they all sat down.
"Okay. What do you want to ask?" She asked.
"Have you had a lot of stress in your life lately?" She asked first.
"Yes. A lot actually." She answered.
"Do you constantly feel tense, worried or on edge?"
"Yes. All the time."
Have these feelings interfered with other aspects of your life? Like you're school work, friendships and relationships?"
"Yes. Very much so." She answered with a look at Caleb remembering their past relationship issues.
"Are you constantly dealing with feelings of fear that may seem irrational to others but that you just can't seem to let go of?" She asked continuing to make notes on her notepad.
"Yes. I'm scared all the time. Sometimes I don't even understand why I'm so scared." Hanna answered.
"Do you think bad things will happen if you don't do things a certain way?"
"Yes." Hanna answered remembering the threats from 'A' about Caleb and her mom.
"Are you avoiding things because of all these feelings? Like school, friends and family?"
"Yes. I ran away because of them." Hanna responded bluntly wanting to be completely honest.
"Are you avoiding anything because it causes you anxiety?" She asked not saying anything about Hannas last answer.
"Yes. Running away was my way of avoiding." She answered.
"Have you ever experienced sudden attacks of panic? You know heart racing, breathing fast and shallow, vision blurry, body shaking, even body becoming tense or weak?" She asked.
"Yes. A lot recently actually."
"Do you feel like something bad is going to happen all the time?"
"Yes. I do." She answered simply. Caleb had remained quiet the whole time listening and trying to understand what he was hearing.
"Okay Hanna. Now I need to ask you if all of these answers are truthful." She said with a warm smile.
"Yes they are." Hanna answered.
"Now I need to ask you a few more questions just to be sure on what's going on here."
"Okay. I'll answer anything you ask." Hanna answered.
"Do you find yourself sleeping a lot of not sleeping at all?" She asked.
"I want to sleep all the time. It's safer when I sleep." Hanna whispered making Caleb grab her hand and squeeze it in support. Dr. Hayward smiled sadly.
"Do you find that things you used to do are more difficult now or that you can't concentrate as well?"
"Yes. I find myself zoning out a lot." She answered honestly.
"Do you find yourself feeling hopeless and helpless?"
"Yes."
"Are you finding it hard to control your negative thoughts?"
"Yes."
"Are you more irritable, short-tempered and aggressive then usual?"
"Sometimes. More then I used to anyway."
"Has your appetite changed? Are you eating less or more?"
"I barely eat anymore. Caleb usually has to talk me into eating anything." Hanna said causing Dr. Hayward to smile briefly at Caleb.
"Have you been engaging in reckless behaviour? Drinking, partying, drugs, sex?" She asked being very blunt.
"I did briefly not too long ago. I guess running away could also be seen as reckless." Hanna answered averting her eyes from a questioning Caleb.
"Have you thought that your life is not worth living Hanna?" Dr. Hayward asked looking directly at Hanna to note her reaction.
"Yes. Sometimes I think it would be better if I weren't here." Hanna answered honestly. "My thoughts scare me Dr. Hayward." She said sadly.
"Do you want to hurt yourself Hanna?" She asked gently.
"Not right now. I have thought about it though. Before I ran away mostly. I know the feelings are there but being here with Caleb has kind of distracted me from it for now." She replied.
"Okay Hanna. I'm worried about your mental state right now. I don't think we need to admit you for observation, you don't need suicide watch right now, but I do think that we should start you on some meds and get you set up with a psychiatrist as well as a support group for those suffering from depression and anxiety. It's going to take a lot of time Hanna but you can overcome this. Having a support group around you will help tremendously and it looks like you have some great support already." She said with a smile and a nod to hers and Caleb's clasped hands.
"You've taken the first steps to recovery Hanna. A lot of people don't recognize the signs until it's too late, you did. That's a very encouraging sign." She said with a soft smile. She took out a notepad and wrote on it quickly. "This is a prescription for anti-depressants it also has anti-anxiety medication in it. We're going to give it two weeks and if things aren't starting to feel improved by then I want to adjust the dosage." She explained.
"Okay. What will these pills do to me? How will I feel." She asked.
"You might feel more agitated at first, may even feel sick or get sick, your stomach may cause you a few problems like indigestion or aches, bathroom issues may arise too, your appetite may change, you might get dizzy sometimes too. On top of that you may have sleep issues, headaches, loss of sex drive, difficulty when it comes to sexual pleasure. All these things may be temporary or occur periodically over time. Your body will adjust though and keeping a positive attitude and keeping to a routine will be a big help too." She explained before getting up and heading over the cupboards located in the room. She pulled out a few pamphlets and came back to hand them to Hanna and even a few to Caleb.
"What are these for?" Caleb asked curiously.
"These pamphlets have information on depression, anxiety, and the side effects of the pills. Caleb those pamphlets have some information on what you can do to help Hanna as well as what to expect from her. It's not going to be easy you guys. It's going to be a long uphill battle but as long as you take your pill everyday at the same time and try to stick to a positive routine." She explained.
"Is there support groups for family members or friends?" Caleb asked surprising both the doctor and Hanna. Dr. Hayward smile brightly in approval.
"Yes there are let me get you a number you can call." She said as she flipped through a book of numbers. She wrote the number down on a sticky note and handed it to Caleb. "Here you go. When you call ask for Chandra or Jacob. They run the group and they'll assist you anyway they can. I'm very surprised and delighted at your willingness to get involved Caleb, you're very lucky to have his support Hanna. It'll be good for you to have someone to rely on when things get tough. Remember though there are hotlines you can call they're all in those pamphlets." She explained.
"There's nothing I wouldn't do for Hanna. If going to a support group helps me to understand what she's going through and to learn ways to help and support her through this then I'll do anything." Caleb said making tears spring to Hanna's eyes. Dr. Hayward smiled again.
"Okay wonderful. Now Hanna I think we're done here for the day. I want you to start taking these pills in the morning when you would usually get up. Try and take them on a full stomach it'll help. I want to see you again in two weeks so make sure to make another appointment at the front desk before you leave. If you have any issues please feel free to call me anytime." She said with a smile handing Hanna a business card with her office number and a cell number on it. "Anytime Hanna." She added.
"Thank you Dr. Hayward. I appreciate everything you've done for me today. I don't think I've ever met a doctor as nice as you." Hanna said with a small smile.
"I became a doctor to help Hanna. That's what I want to do for you too." She said with a smile.
"Well thanks again. Bye Dr. Hayward." Hanna said as her and Caleb left the office and headed back out front.
"You didn't have to do that you know." She said to Caleb as they waited behind another couple to talk to the nurse at the front desk and make another appointment.
"Do what?" He asked curiously.
"Ask for a support group." She answered.
"I didn't do that just for the hell of it. I really think I'm going to need this group. I don't understand everything you're going through and I may need somewhere to go if things become too much. I refuse to leave you again Hanna so I need to make sure that I can handle all this. That I'll know what to do if something happens." He explained.
"I love you." She said boldly staring into his eyes.
"I know. I love you too." He replied smiling.
"Miss Marin?" The nurse questioned pulling their eyes back to the front desk.
"Oh sorry. Dr. Hayward would like to see me again in two weeks." Hanna explained.
"Okay. How about two weeks from today at the same time?" She said looking at the schedule.
"Sounds good." Hanna answered.
"Okay here you go and if anything comes up and we can try and get you in earlier or later that day." The nurse added with a smile.
"Thank you I will." She responded with her own smile.
Claudia met them at the door and they all left together, getting into the car and driving home in silence. Claudia must have been curious about what went on at the doctors but she was patient enough not to say anything knowing that they would probably tell her when they were ready.
When they got back to the house she still didn't ask any questions allowing them to head off to the guest house without any qualms. As for Caleb and Hanna once they got inside the guest house they both stripped down and dropped into bed. Hanna was drained from all the talking though these days she was, understandably, drained all the time. Caleb just wanted to spend time with Hanna and even he was a little tired. Everything that he'd been told was swimming around in his head and it was taking its toll on him.
Within minutes of intertwining themselves in the bed they were asleep. They had a lot to talk about later, a lot to deal with but for now they needed to sleep a regroup. Everything else could wait.