Chapter 65 - Elegy Lacrimoso

"I want this powder flash-tested immediately!" Sakura, in the labs, was shouting.

Trying to ignore a nagging, insistent thought at the back of her head that she had no reason to even test the substance, if it was just medicine.

(What reason would Orochimaru have to poison Karin? Especially given…)

Are you fucking KIDDING? This is OROCHIMARU! You can't be too careful!

That… was right, Sakura couldn't be too careful.

"Every test we have available, I want done, and I also want material analysis so we know what else is in it, you got that? Gimme an ETA!"

Interns scurried everywhere. "Maybe a half hour, ma'am?" someone said.

"Well it had better not be a minute later than that! Move!"

And they moved.

Sakura struggled with ways to keep herself busy while the analysis was being conducted. She disappeared into the emergency room, briefly, because that was the only place she could think of that would allow her to pace and be productive at the same time.

The initial poison screenings were done within ten minutes. The powder was clean. Thank goodness.

Another twenty passed. And then five more.

Sakura felt like she was going to snap someone's neck in two if she didn't get results, and she felt very bad indeed when she snapped at an intern with a small folder and shaking hands. "WHAT DO YOU WANT."

"M-ma'am, the analysis you requested is ready…" she said.

"Oh. Oh! Oh, gosh, I'm sorry, I don't know what I-" Sakura, running her fingers through a bang, was possessed by her impatience. "Can I have it?"

"W-well yes, ma'am, of course…" The intern's hair, the same color and texture of old silk, was pulled back into an improvised ponytail. She gave the folder to Sakura and shuffled her feet where she stood.

Sakura barely began to read, when, "You don't need to wait around for me, here, I'm fine."

"Oh. Oh, um, sure," the intern said, and was gone by the time Sakura had looked at the paper and back up, just to see if she'd listened.

She had to leave the ward before she could go any further. Her eyes skimmed over text as she made her way down the hallways and back to another ward.

The curse seal ward. Where Karin was being kept.

(The medicine that hadn't been tested remained in the bag around Sakura's shoulder. It was a dirty bag, but she didn't care.)

The things that were in the powder disturbed and yet did not surprise her.

It was full of minerals and hormones, ones with which Sakura was familiar—pregnancy hormones, that kept the uterus from contracting, to prevent the onset of labor—and mood triggers, happiness-inducers, pain-reducers. And a worrying amount of what was deemed "unknown material."

Given the consistency and color of the medicine in liquid form, given the loudly-growing echoes of reports and recipes that Karin herself had sent Sakura (in an attempt to throw off the scent, by being so open otherwise?), given the presence of what was clearly marked as "hemoglobin" in the analysis, Sakura had a good, uneasy idea of what that material was.

Oh, Karin.

But at least it was her medicine. Sakura knew that and she would certify that if needed. Because she was certain that Karin would.

Sakura couldn't look at the door to Juugo and Asaoto's room. Karin's door was closed.

Sakura didn't even need to knock.

"I know you're there, Sakura. What is it." Karin's voice was very quiet. It almost sounded like she'd been crying.

"…we found the medicine, Karin. Can I come in?"

"…go ahead."

Karin was sitting on the bed, slightly curled over herself. She had the lights turned off. Her hands were in her lap.

Sakura began taking the bag off. "I had some of it tested and it—it's clean. Do you need any right now…?"

"No, I'm… fine," Karin replied. She held a hand out to take the bag, but did not look at Sakura as she did so. "If you could, though."

"Oh, sure, of course." And yet, in passing the medicine over, Sakura found herself holding on just a little too tightly.

Karin held the bag to her chest, with both arms. "Is that all?" she said, quietly. "I'm not feeling very well and I'd appreciate if you'd let me get my rest, okay…?"

"Not feeling well…?"

Karin's chin bent further into her chest. "I've been in near-constant pain since yesterday evening. I've had to ration my medicine."

"Pain? Karin, did you tell anyone?" Karin shook her head. "You know we have medicines of our own available, not all of them would hurt the…"

Sakura was ashamed that she still couldn't say it.

"…it's still a… baby, Sakura, okay…?" Karin's arms tightened around the bag. "I can't risk anything, though. It's okay. I'm… I'm used to it. The pain isn't so bad."

"…at least we have the medicine now, I suppose?" Sakura said. "That's… safe for you, isn't it?"

"I wouldn't be so reliant on it if it wasn't," Karin said. There wasn't even bitterness in her voice. Just exhaustion.

Sakura couldn't remember ever feeling so uncomfortable around a patient.

(Maybe that was what unsettled her most, that her brain had suddenly assigned this role to Karin.)

"…what did he tell you, today?" And suddenly Karin was speaking, and her words startled Sakura.

"Excuse me?"

"Your chakra's agitated. Something's making you uncomfortable." And there, Karin finally, finally looked up, and her eyes were filled with fear and anger and resignation. "It's me, isn't it. He told you more, didn't he."

"No, Karin, of course it's not you-"

A nervous, sympathetic, false smile.

Karin, obviously, saw through it. "Don't lie to me, okay? And don't pretend like I'm not disgusting. Tell me. How much less of a person am I to you now?"

"Karin, I don't-" but Sakura was stammering and the pause in her words as she tried to collect them sliced through her stomach and deep into her conscience. "You're no less of a—he's been using you. All I feel for you is… Karin, I just can't imagine how much you must have—why didn't you tell anyone he was using you as a surrogate?"

"…you honestly are asking me this?" Karin said, after a strange, soft silence. "Don't pity me, okay? I don't deserve pity. All of this is my fault."

"How is it your fault? At all?" Finally, words that felt right.

"…for allowing this to even happen. I should have been able to… to stop before things even got this far." Karin's head lowered, her arms tightened. "I shouldn't even be in this position."

"Karin, I'm… I'm sorry, I don't mean to-"

"Look, just… stop. Okay?" Karin looked up again. "I don't want your apologies, and, again, I don't want your damn pity. I'm a fucking mess and I'm pathetic and you can stop pretending like you care. I mean, look at me."

"Karin…"

"A human breeding vessel…"

"Karin, you're not…!"

"It's exactly what I am, and that's exactly what he told you, isn't it?" Karin's voice was starting to fill with tears again, like it had been when Sakura had first come in. "Take a good look! This is what I really am! Just this… this… hunk of flesh that's only good for…"

And Sakura, pushing past all her disgust and what she hoped was sympathy and years of medical training, of knowing what was proper conduct and what wasn't, got on the bed with Karin and put her arms around her shoulders in a loose hug.

"Karin, it's okay. Please, stop."

Karin dug her forehead into one of her palms.

"I just went so long without anyone finding out..."

"It's okay, Karin."

Sakura struggled to actually believe in her words.

Because it was not okay.

Karin had been—used, for goodness knows how long—twenty years?—to produce children for Orochimaru. It was inhumane, it was—frankly, it terrified Sakura, and she couldn't imagine how Karin.

Dealt with it? Coped?

Survived?

And even with all of this, at the base of Sakura's mind there buzzed a million other questions.

How many had she been forced to carry?

("I can't lose this one…")

How many had she lost in the process?

How had she kept it all a secret? How had he threatened her, coerced her, into this?

But even stronger than the force of all these questions was another voice.

Don't be a heartless BITCH! Forget EVERYTHING and just make sure she's OKAY! And for FUCK'S sake, keep her SAFE!

"Karin, I… I promise, you won't have to do this any more, it's okay that we know now."

Sakura had no idea where these words were coming from. She had no idea how, or even if she'd be able to back them up.

But they were coming, and she almost felt like she believed in them.

"You won't have to go back to him and he won't be allowed to do these things to you any more, Karin."

Karin didn't say anything, just shivering under Sakura's arms, hiding her eyes in her fingers.

"It's okay now. You and your child—he won't be allowed near either of you. You're safe. He won't hurt you any more."

And all Karin could do was shake her head, trying to make herself smaller, trying to wipe tears away.

But at least Sakura could believe the things she was saying now.

Maybe it was because she finally was thinking of Naruto. He wouldn't allow this hurt to continue.

She could handle everything else.

She could give comfort, here.

Or, at least, try.

"I mean… I can't imagine what you must have gone through…"

"You have no idea…"

Karin's voice sounded like it was rattling against bars.

"You have no idea how… how hard it is to… look at something you carried inside you and have to tell yourself that… it isn't yours. Over and over."

The skin on Karin's back was soft under Sakura's ever-firmer arms.

"I tried… I tried to never get attached, but…"

And Karin began to sob.

"Damn it, Sakura, I… I still remember the days they were born, okay? I, I remember holding them and I remember their faces…!"

The anguish in her tears cut heavily into Sakura's heart.

"But I always had to… give them away… I had no choice. But I still remember them…! I still do!"

Sakura's mind groped for.

Any form of sympathy.

And she came upon a memory of a young girl with beautiful skin like fondant that had been slowly bleeding out in the emergency room, her voice coming out in hollow, anguished sobs.

"I'm so sorry! I just didn't want anyone to know!"

Her belly was still swollen from a child that had been there only a few days previous. She had carried small.

The girl had been trying to hide it from her parents, and had been entirely successful, having delivered the child without their awareness.

She barely discussed what had happened to the baby.

"It's dead, it's dead, I couldn't have kept it anyways!"

Everything had been fine until she had started to hemorrhage. It was a placental issue. It hadn't detached fully.

She managed to survive her ordeal. She had been only fifteen at the time.

No, but that wasn't the memory Sakura was looking for.

It was in her returns to the hospital, her beautiful black-candy eyes perpetually searching for something. She found it in counseling.

Sakura had taken a personal interest in her, perhaps because of her age, or because of the desperation she had seen on her face, with her secret and her life leaking out of her in that ward that day.

Shizune had been Chief Medical Officer in those days. But Sakura's influence was already great, and her hunger to learn every facet of medicine, even at the age of thirty, even with the complexities of the sciences of the mind, was still present.

They didn't talk much. Sakura mostly listened, observing, offering an additional listening ear, if the girl needed.

Her name was Kaoru, and she had regrets.

"He told me that if I got rid of it, I'd never be able to have kids again," she said, about the child's father.

They had managed to preserve her uterus, though there were still worries.

"He said that I could hide it, that there were places I could leave it when it was born."

Where the places were, Kaoru never told.

"He told me he loved me, and then he just… he found someone else."

She still seemed to love him enough to not say anything about his identity, despite the warm insistence that actions could have been taken against him, without reprisal to her. But her mouth did not open.

No, but that wasn't the memory Sakura was looking for.

It was something Kaoru had said, once, and only once.

"Why did it have to have such big eyes…?"

The sentence had been almost entirely unprovoked.

"Even in the dark, and with… it was slimy and swollen and… it just had the most beautiful eyes I'd ever seen."

Kaoru had grown, some. But some regrets seemed to have stayed with her.

"I just want to forget it. I want to forget that something like that had been inside me, that I'd …"

She had never, once, brought up what she had done to the child. And records had been searched, but no newborns had been found around the time of Kaoru's scare. Alive or dead.

"I just wish I could forget that little face. It hurts too much. I don't want it to hurt any more."

Kaoru, whose parents had shown more concern than fury and merely wanted their daughter to be happy, and safe.

Yes, this was the memory Sakura was looking for.

And it only made her hurt more, and more disoriented. She could only barely apply this story, of a scared girl and her shattered-candy eyes, to Karin's situation.

Karin, who was leaning against Sakura, now. Her flesh was warm. She was still crying.

All Sakura could do was keep her grip firm. But she had to keep her eyes on the ceiling, at the door, in case someone came in.

"Karin, I'm so sorry…" Sakura said, because even with the memory, that was all she could say.

Not even daring to appease the questions that were burning a hole in her lungs. She couldn't do that, not now.

It would only make the both of them hurt more.

Sakura almost didn't want to know, any more. All she wanted was for Karin to not have to suffer. She had done nothing to deserve this. Any of it.

At least Orochimaru was in custody. At least he couldn't touch her any more. Do anything to her any more. At least they had the medicine.

Karin, after calming down, after what could have been five minutes or five hours, asked if she could prepare some. "It'll make me feel better."

"Oh, of course, do you want me to do it for you?" Sakura was on her feet far quicker than Karin was.

"No, let me do it. I know the concentrations that I need."

It was with a great carefulness that Karin got a tumbler full of water from the sink in her room, and mixed one of the packets of red powder with it.

"How much did he… is in there?" Sakura asked.

Karin used a spoon to stir it together. The liquid turned thick, blood-opaque. "Enough for two months. Enough to last me."

And she swallowed it quickly, grimacing, with a hand on her stomach as she did so. She breathed deeply, afterward, for a few seconds, her eyes closed. Calming breaths.

"Oh… yes, that feels better," she said, as if sinking into a bath. She put the glass down, nodding, swallowing again. She took off her glasses and wiped them on her sleeve.

Sakura just remained watching, fingers toying with hem of her white coat.

And suddenly, Karin said, "Sakura, I… have to apologize, I really wasn't myself just then, okay?"

"Karin, you don't need to apologize, I… understand."

Karin's eyes were filled with a gentle harshness, and her mouth was formed into a hard half-smile. "No excuse for me, though."

"Are you—serious, Karin, you-"

"When I said I didn't want pity, I really meant it, okay?" Karin crossed her arms, trying to look angrier. But her expression melted, slightly. "But… thank you for all the other things."

"Hey, it's nothing, it's the least I can do," Sakura said. Her smile was fragile. "I mean, if you need someone to talk to about this…"

And there, with a lowered brow, Karin's expression hardened. "I don't feel like talking about it."

"Well, okay, I was just offering…" Sakura kept her eyes wandering. "I mean, because it just seems like you've been really… alone."

"I…" Karin started, loudly, but then her shoulders sunk, and her voice quieted. "I haven't… been alone. But that's not exactly comforting, okay?"

("He's, shall we say… my little darlings' guardian angel. Keeps tabs on them for me when I can't.")

(Suigetsu, who had come into the hospital with a great fierceness, a great fear.)

(What threats did he have to live with?)

"…I can imagine," Sakura said. She cleared her throat. "I'm sorry, I'll… stop talking about it. But if you ever want to-"

"Stop offering, okay? I know." The snap lessened. Karin adjusted her glasses again. "I'll… come to you if I feel like it."

"That's… fair," Sakura said. She nodded. "I'm sorry for pressing."

Karin sighed. "Just… whatever. Actually, if you want to do something useful, can you go get Suigetsu for me? I had him move to Juugo's room so I could get some sleep, shouldn't be hard to find him."

"Oh, sure, why?"

"…is that any of your business?" Karin said. She sighed again, and went to attend to the bag of medicine. "Just go get him."

"Well, all right." Sakura's bones felt prickly, especially around her sternum, as she turned to leave.

Wondering.

"Suigetsu-san is… also aware of what's been going on, isn't he?" she said, from the door. "Orochimaru said he… kept tabs on all of, um. Them."

Karin paused. "Let's… just say that he's as tied into it as I am," she said. "But don't bring anything up to him or he'll just get angry, okay? He… hates the idea that he's at all… indentured, but…"

"It's all right. I understand." Sakura's voice was dry. "I'll go get him for you. What do you want me to say, if he asks why…?"

"…he won't," Karin said.

So Sakura left, to go get him.

Juugo's room was similarly darkened, Sakura found, after being told with a hushed voice to come in. "Suigetsu-san?"

"Shh, keep it down. They're taking a nap."

Karin closed the door behind her, as quietly as she could. "Hm?"

"Soon as Karin said she wanted to go for a sleep, next thing I know Shingetsu says he wants one too, and of course that means Asaoto's gonna join in. Then again, that kid's so tired all the time, anyways…" Suigetsu's voice was very soft, and richly rough, like a laugh. "No idea why Juugo fell asleep, too, but then again, that's him for you."

"Oh, I see," Sakura whispered. She could see, in the half-light, a huddled mass of bodies on the bed in the corner. Asaoto seemed to have fallen asleep atop his father's chest, though where Shingetsu had settled was anyone's guess. "And you're just not tired?"

"Someone's gotta keep watch," Suigetsu replied. He was leaning on the wall against the window. Gray, noon light was making an effort at getting through the curtains.

"Sure, I understand. Though, when you have a moment…? Karin wants to see you."

"She's awake?"

"Yes, and she said she wants to talk to you."

"About what?"

Sakura sighed. "She just told me she wanted to talk to you, nothing else."

Suigetsu looked around, uneasily, stepping away from the wall. "Well, jeez, that could mean anything." There was a squirm in his shoulders. "Can you watch them for a bit?"

"Watch who?"

"Who the he—who do you think?" Suigetsu shoved his hands under his arms. "I don't feel comfortable leaving 'em alone for more than a while."

"Well that's—that's not my responsibility. And besides, we have ANBU patrolling this entire wing, so if anything happens-"

"We're being watched? Nobody told me we were being watched." Suigetsu was very suddenly and very angrily close to Sakura.

"It's just a security measure! Calm down," Sakura said. "It's just so that nothing happens to Karin, or those boys!"

Suigetsu made his suspicion plain.

"…well, you and Juugo-san as well, we're worried about your well-being, too," she added, quickly.

"Why did you say boys?" Suigetsu said. He was a great deal taller than Sakura was.

("Though that proved far too troublesome to continue, so I stopped after one and gave him to Suigetsu to keep him appeased.")

Suigetsu was not as familiar as Karin, nor as weak, nor as upset. Maybe Sakura could. Try something.

"That child of yours, Shingetsu. He… isn't really yours, is he?"

Sakura couldn't remember ever seeing anyone so furious, and so quickly.

"That boy," Suigetsu said, "is my son. That's the truth, no matter what anyone else says."

He bore down over Sakura, his face getting very close to hers.

"He is mine. And I got no idea why the fuck you'd think otherwise."

Sakura.

Held her ground.

"I'm just going by what Orochimaru told me. I'm aware that you know what he's been doing to Karin? And his… project, with all the clones?"

Suigetsu didn't say anything.

Sakura didn't mention his role.

Instead: "He said he gave you a child for your… services. That's why I spoke."

Suigetsu breathed in, deeply, through his nose. His eyes, for just one moment, darted to the bed, and back.

"He is my son, and no one else's child. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to check on Karin. She wants to talk to me, right?"

He headed for the door, and opened it.

"You don't need to watch them," he said, as he left. "You're watching us, aren't you?" he added, with an acid sneer.

Sakura gave one last, lingering glance to the sleepers, before leaving, herself, in the opposite direction. She had other things to do. Other people to talk to.

Suigetsu went where he was told. Opening the door, and closing it behind him.

As soon as the door was closed, as soon as it was quiet.

(As soon as Karin could sense that Sakura was out of range.)

Karin threw her arms around Suigetsu and clung with her hands on his back, pressing her forehead against his shoulder.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, what happened?" he said. His fear increased when he noticed how badly she was trembling, and it made him scowl, in defense.

The child in her belly, the one that did not and would never belong to him, squirmed and tumbled and somersaulted wildly under her skin, and he could feel it against his.

Karin clung tighter.

"Look, just tell me what the matter is, for fuck's-"

"I'm scared…!"

Her voice was sewn into her frantic breaths, barely audible.

"Hey, just—Karin, just calm down, what's scaring you?" He paused, and bent his head in further, quieting his voice. "Is it him again?"

Karin nodded, her head digging lower and lower, toward his chest. "I, I talked to Sakura, and she… she told me he said… he told her he's been using me to grow. For the. For. He told her that!"

She began sobbing without tears.

"…he said that? What the hell is he thinking?" His voice only barely gained in volume.

"I don't… know, but I'm just so—why? Why would he say that? Why is he even doing this to us…?"

"…I don't know," Suigetsu said, because he truly didn't.

But I hope he knows what the hell he's doing, he thought, but didn't say, for Karin's sake.

"I'm just… Suigetsu, what's going to happen to us…?"

He held her, in return. His arms were the same temperature of the room, and they were very strong.

"Nothing's going to happen to us. We'll… we'll be okay," he said.

"All of us?"

"…yeah, all of us. And if they try do to anything to us because of him, I'm sure as hell gonna fight. So quit worrying, all right?"

Him, she could almost believe. But she kept holding on, as if he were the only solid thing in the room, as if she would fall and be lost forever otherwise.

And he, thank goodness, did not let go until she did.

It was nothing he wasn't used to.