Chapter 3: Shiro-kun, A Daily Study
"Hmm… This area seems to be lacking something…" Hōzuki said thoughtfully, scanning their surroundings with keen eyes. They were currently inspecting a section of Hell were the punishment was perpetually burning at the stake.
"… Screams?" Naomi ventured tentatively, noticing how unusually quiet it seemed compared to the surrounding areas. Despite the fact that they were all being burned 'alive', most of the souls weren't even making a peep. "I mean, they almost look…"
"Bored." Hōzuki finished, nodding in agreement. It would seem many of the souls here had gotten too used to the pain after being made to endure the same punishment over and over for several thousand years in a row. "We'll have to switch it up somehow… You're a professional sadist, any suggestions?" He prompted Naomi, who was proving to be more and more capable as an assistant with each passing day.
"Well, I hate myself for even suggesting this, but…" She began hesitantly, already feeling guilty as the plan formed in her mind. "Instead of just leaving them tied to stakes covered in a constant flame, why not string them up on a pulley so that they're stuck hanging over an open flame, with the only thing keeping them from falling in being their own hands holding onto the other end rope? The futile struggle to save themselves will add more psychological stress, and they won't be able to adjust and stay numb to the pain so easily, because it'll be more intermittent." She finished with a heavy sigh. Even if it was ultimately 'for their own good', she still felt like a traitor whenever she was asked to suggest something like this…
"All right. Have them start drawing up a plan." Hōzuki said, nodding in approval. It should be simple, relatively cheap, and effective. Sometimes he really liked the way Naomi thought. Most of the time he asked her stuff like this just because he knew how much it bothered her. He liked to keep her on her toes. She would make a fine minion if it weren't for that chronic case of 'Catholic Guilt' that she seemed to suffer from.
[Emergency warning! Emergency warning!] An announcement suddenly blared over the intercom system. [One of the dead has escaped from a lesser hell. Please blockade all the gates of Hell immediately. I repeat, one of the dead has…]
Hōzuki's eyes narrowed dangerously.
"Hōzuki-sama!!!" Nasubi's superior from the other day yelled as he came running over, dragging the smaller white-haired oni by his head. "This newcomer carelessly brought in a 1seg… and the evil spirit Sadako escaped!!"
'Eh!? Sadako's here, too!!?' Naomi thought, gasping in shock. Wasn't she just supposed to be a character they created for the Ring movies? That bitch was real!? If she got out Japan—no anywhere they had television—was going to be totally screwed!!
BAM!
With an eerily calm expression on his face, Hōzuki immediately whacked Nasubi across the face with his club upon hearing the news, sending him spiraling to the ground with a harsh thud.
"You should have been warned about this at the orientation session! Even if you hadn't, you should know that whenever you do anything you should report, communicate, and discuss!" Hōzuki said sternly, needling him in the cheek with his spiked club.
"I… I'm so sorry…" Nasubi apologized, trembling as he held his bloody nose. Workplace politics were hard…
"You said she escaped through the 1seg?" Hōzuki asked, turning back to Nasubi's supervisor. It must have been through a connection to one of those new smart phones that also acted as a TV. "What a gutsy spirit."
"To think she could slip through such a small opening so easily..." Naomi said, holding her chin as pictured that mass of black hair jamming itself through the screen of the phone.
"No, it looks like she worked really hard to do it!" Nasubi's superior said, sweat-dropping. It had been a really tight squeeze.
"Sadako… she can get away if there's a television around…" Hōzuki said thoughtfully, as holding his chin as he quickly tried to think of a way to recapture her. "Quickly, affix wards to the front of all the televisions in this area! And then install a 52-inch with built in Blu-Ray right here!" He ordered swiftly.
"Huh!?" The minions said, momentarily taken aback, but they quickly rushed off to carry out his orders.
"So, I'm guessing you're going to try to lure her over here by cutting off all her other escape routes?" Naomi asked.
"Yes." Hōzuki answered with a curt nod, glad they were on the same page. "Be prepared to catch her the moment she shows herself."
"Yes, sir!" Naomi replied dutifully with a little salute. This was turning out really interesting.
Once the TV with built in Blu-Ray was set up, Naomi and Hōzuki lay in wait for Sadako with the other minions in the area. They didn't have to wait long.
"Uooooh, this screen is massive!" Sadako gurgled in a waterlogged voice as she began crawling out of the screen. "… Um?" She said a bit awkwardly, freezing when she suddenly found herself surrounded by a bunch of armed oni.
"All right, there she is!" One of the minions shouted.
"Aim for the eyes!"
"See. Dangle a treat in front of her, and she comes right away." Hōzuki remarked calmly to Naomi and Nasubi's superior as they watched.
"Just like Yamata no Orochi…" Nasubi's superior said, sweat-dropping. "Good TVs are great…"
"D-Damn it… I've been tricked…" Sadako cursed, trembling with rage. "Now it's come to this, I'll break the horns of every one of you demons! … And your little 'dog', too!" She added, referring to Naomi. "Revenge!"
"I take exception to that! And what are you going to do, kill me?" Naomi retorted sassily, pulling the rope in her hands taught. Nice try, but you couldn't kill something that was already dead, and any injuries she sustained would just regenerate anyway.
"Just try and shock us as much as you shocked all of Japan!" Hōzuki dared the vengeful spirit.
"Shut up! A woman's wrath is a thousand times that of a snake! Prepare yourself!!!" Sadako snapped furiously, launching herself at the high-ranking oni with a shriek.
"Aahh! Look out, Hōzuki-sama…!" Nasubi and his superior cried, flinching in shock.
WHAM!
Before Sadako could even get close enough to lay a finger on Hōzuki, the white dog from the other day, Shiro, suddenly pounced out of nowhere, tackling the vengeful spirit to the ground with his face twisted into a vicious snarl.
"Aaaaaargh!!" Sadako screamed, struggling to get away as he bit her. "What is this white dog doing!? He's scary!" Staring at the scene, Hōzuki suspected Shiro's canine instincts must have kicked in, and he had attacked because of how much she resembled a flailing cockroach.
"All right! I'll take it from here, Shiro-san!" Naomi said as she slid over to them, using her rope to truss the evil spirit up like Thanksgiving turkey with incredible speed and accuracy.
"Oh, as expected of a professional!" Nasubi's superior said while the other minions cheered, impressed.
"You're also supposed to be professionals." Hōzuki reminded them crisply. Minions who had hundreds and thousands of years worth of experience in torture shouldn't be so impressed by a human, however skilled.
While Nasubi's superior lectured the recaptured Sadako, and the rest of the minions began cleaning up and carting away the TV, Shiro was wagging his tail and staring up at Hōzuki brightly.
"Well done, Shiro-san." Hōzuki said, squatting down to pet him. "You made a wonderful entrance, like a werewolf in some B-horror movie."
"Yes! Hōzuki-sama." Shiro responded happily to his praise.
"Yeah, I was really surprised." Naomi agreed with a smile as joined them, giving Shiro a nice scratch behind his ears.
"You also did well." Hōzuki added, giving her a pat on the head.
"Uh, thanks?" Naomi said a little wryly, wondering why she was also being petted. It was nice to be praised, but why was she getting the same treatment as Shiro…? Was that how he saw her? Did that mean she was on the same level as a dog? She liked animals but the thought of being treated like one kind of pissed her off...
Since they were all a little thirsty after the excitement, the three of them decided to get some drinks from the vending machine in a nearby rest area.
"Have you gotten used to life Fukisho Hell yet?" Hōzuki asked the dog as they sat down on the bench to enjoy a short break and drink their juice.
"Yes! Sempai has taught me many things." Shiro answered cheerfully as he gulped down his juice, referring to the white dog with the scar on his face that Naomi had seen him with the other day. "What about you, Na… Nami-san?" He asked her.
"It's Naomi. But if that's too hard to remember, then you can just call me 'Nao'." She corrected him patiently with a wry smile, sweat-dropping. "As for work…"
"Shiro!" A little apricot-colored poodle barked sternly, interrupting their conversation, as she trotted over to them. "Hurry up and submit your report!"
"Ah… yeah, sorry." Shiro apologized, clearly disappointed that he had been found so soon.
"I think you mean 'I'm so very sorry, please forgive me'!? Get it into your thick skull!" The poodle snapped angrily with a vein throbbing on her forehead.
"W-Woof…" Shiro said much more politely, sweat-dropping.
"Woof." A beefy Doberman pincher barked in a deep voice.
"Ah! Good work today, Chief~" The poodle squealed excitedly, doing a complete 180° personality-wise.
"Who's she?" Naomi asked.
"She's a court lady in Fukisho…" Shiro replied rather dispiritedly. "The important things my boss/sempai has taught me are: 1) Don't make the court lady angry. 2) If she's angry, don't try to use rational arguments against her. 3) One souvenir for employees, two for the court lady."
"Did something happen to your boss?" Hōzuki wondered aloud, while Naomi sweat-dropped. This conversation was beginning to remind her of the unfortunate incident that occurred when her father accidentally forgot both her mother's birthday and Christmas present one year. It had not been pretty.
"The lady is unusually strict with him… but when she's talking with the Section Chief, her voice goes up a tone…" Shiro explained awkwardly.
"I don't really want to know… about Fukisho Hell's office love triangle." Hōzuki said.
"I looked around when I had some free time… Heh… It's never going to happen." Shiro said bitterly with a vein throbbing on his forehead. Who would want to marry a ballbuster like her?
"Oh my, that's not a good way to think. And it's just you feeling sorry for yourself." Hōzuki told him calmly. "Does she even really like the Section Chief?"
"If I had to guess, I'd say it sounds like she's probably more into your sempai." Naomi added. Their relationship sounded very similar to her parents'. Although her mother was usually fairly patient and better at keeping her temper in check, since she worked as an Air Traffic controller, she was stricter with her father than others because she cared about him.
"Hōzuki-sama… Naomi-san… It's hard being a man." Shiro said dejectedly.
"Deal with it. In times like these wise men must be gentlemen." Hōzuki stated coolly, taking a sip of his juice.
"Yeah, your life will be a thousand times easier if you just follow your sempai's advice." Naomi said with a wry smile. "My grandfather used to say that a gentleman was just a patient wolf."
"And your boss has better things to do." Hōzuki added. Just then, Enma spotted and approached them from behind.
"Oh! It's Hōzuki-kun and Nao-chan! Are you on a break too? Is it a date?" The Great King asked cheerfully with a big smile, causing Hōzuki's expression to deadpan even further and Naomi to sweat-drop a bit nervously. Was the big boss trying to get her killed? "Oh! You're drinking juice~ What? Who are you gossiping about?" he asked curiously, wanting in.
"…" Hōzuki said nothing and just continued to stare straight ahead. Maybe if they ignored him long enough, he would just go away.
"Um… Enma-sama, this is—" Naomi said, gesturing to Shiro, as she prepared to introduce him and explain, but that apparently wasn't necessary.
"Oh! Is this our new recruit, Shiro-chan?" Enma asked excitedly when he saw the cute little white dog.
"Woof!" Shiro barked in greeting.
"How cute~ You're pure white!" Enma said.
"Indeed, this is your first meeting, isn't it?" said Hōzuki. "Introduce yourse…"
"Come here! Comer here!" Enma said enthusiastically, cutting him off as he waved Shiro over. Naomi sweat-dropped. Somehow, she didn't think this was going to end well. "Paw!" the Great King commanded with a grin. Shiro obediently put placed his paw on top of his hand. "And the other paw!"
"Yama-sama… say hello properly…" Hōzuki said.
"Yama-sama?" Naomi asked.
"It's another name for Enma-sama." He explained patiently. "Great King…"
"Bow!" Enma said, still playing with Shiro. Shiro flomped down on his tummy, wagging his tail.
"Wow, you really are one of Momotaro's former companions!" Enma praised him. It was cute, but Naomi didn't see what any of that had to do with being able to slay demons. "Then let's try something a little harder!" Enma said excitedly. "Imitate Inoki…" Before he could finish, Hōzuki promptly complied with his request by imitating Antonio Inoki's signature slap, only he used his iron club instead of his hand. Naomi and Shiro flinched in shock.
'H-He really did it…!' she thought, stunned. He seriously hit the King of Hell just now… And King Enma was just taking it!
"Shiro-san, this is the world famous Yama." Hōzuki stated coolly.
"Pleased to me you. And he's meant to be my trusted friend." Enma said, sweat-dropping, as he pointed at Hōzuki, trembling while a huge bump formed on his aching head.
'You seriously need to make yourself some better friends…' Naomi thought, sweat-dropping. That blow would have killed Enma if he wasn't already dead.
"… H… How are you…?" Shiro said nervously, sweat-dropping as he offered Enma his paw again.
"… Right now I'm not so good…" Enma replied miserably.
"Listen up, whether you're an ordinary person or a great king, everyone must always try their hardest." Hōzuki told Shiro, picking up their previous conversation again as he squatted down to pet the fluffy white dog.
"Don't I always say and do just that? Right?" Enma asked.
"You only get out what you put in..." Hōzuki said, ignoring him. Shiro glanced between the oni and the Great King.
"That's right. Right, Hōzuki-kun?" said Enma.
"Shut up." Hōzuki responded coldly.
"Did you just tell me to shut up?" Enma asked. Naomi sweat-dropped again.
"Okay, I'll try my hardest, Hōzuki-sama. I look forward to working with you, Yama-san." Shiro said without any ill intentions as a bar graph formed in his mind, ranking Hōzuki at #1, Enma at #2, his sempai and Naomi at #3, and Momotaro and his other friends and himself at #4.
"What!?" Enma exclaimed, flinching in shock. Based on the honorifics alone, he was clearly being placed below his advisor.
'Dogs are very skilled in picking up on hierarchies and who's boss, and clearly express this in their behavior.' Naomi thought wryly as a bead of sweat slid down the side of her face.
"Hey, hey, Yama-san, Hōzuki-sama, and Nao-san… Hell's really big." Shiro said, plopping himself down on Naomi's lap as the four of them sat on the bench together (of which Enma took up half), angling for another petting session, which Naomi was only too happy to provide. "I was so surprised, since I'd only been in heaven with Momotaro before now."
"Yes, I was surprised as well!" Naomi agreed. "But is there really that much of a size difference between the two?"
"There is…" Hōzuki replied.
"Um… Could you at least use 'sama' with me too…" Enma asked Shiro, sweat-dropping.
"Okay, Yam-sama." Shiro said.
"Yam-sama? Ah, that sounds like Yon-sama, I guess it's okay…" The Great King said.
'Like that Korean actor…? Is he a fan?' Naomi wondered dubiously.
"In the world of the dead, there is Heaven and Hell… and of the two, Hell is overwhelmingly larger." Hōzuki continued, fiddling with his juice can. "In the beginning, Hell had two worlds, the land of the living, and the land of the dead. But, once upon a time… when the underworld was still called 'Yomi'… it was complete chaos, with the dead everywhere. All the gods and goddesses had a meeting, and the result was that the world became as it is now, split into three worlds: the living world, Heaven, and Hell." He explained, pulling out an illustration of the three together.
"Ah, it's Ikebukuro station!" Shiro said, wagging his tail.
"Ah, that place! Just how many exits does one station need? The dungeons in Final Fantasy are easier to navigate…" Naomi said, sweat-dropping as she remembered how hard it had been to navigate that particular station.
"Yes, yes." Said Hōzuki. "Then, Jigoku was constructed after consultation with India, China, and others about how a hell should be structured. That is why Japan's netherworld is so complicated, just like Ikebukuro station. However, when you compare Heaven and Hell… Hell is bigger."
"It really is big." Enma agreed.
"Why?" asked Shiro.
"Probably because heaven is so hard to get into." Naomi suggested with a frown and a sigh.
"That, and because the judgment after death takes a long time…" said Hōzuki. It was rare for the postmortem judgments to be over before 'Sankaiki', the second anniversary of a person's death. "These judgments are carefully presided over by ten kings. And among those kings, Yama is Hell's representative."
'That's right…' Naomi thought, going over the list in her head. The order in which the kings were seen went as follows:
1) King Quinguang (Shinkou)
2) King Chujiang (Shokou)
3) King Songdi (Soutei)
4) King Wuguan (Gokan)
5) King Yanluo (Enma)
6) King Biancheng (Henjyō)
7) King Taishan (Taizan)
8) King Dushi (Hyoudou)
9) King Pingdeng (Toshi)
10) King Zhuanlun (Godou Tenrin)
"Wow! Yama-sama! That's amazing!" Shiro exclaimed, finally getting Enma's name right as bar representing Enma's rank in his mind rose up a little higher.
"Ah, now do you understand how powerful I am? … Oh… but the rankings didn't change…" Enma said, sweat-dropping.
"Now then, let's get back to work." Hōzuki said, standing up. "I'm sure you have things to do, Shiro-san."
"Ah! Yeah, I guess." Shiro said a bit reluctantly, staying in Naomi's lap.
"You only just started, you mustn't be lazy." Hōzuki chided the dog, shaking his can. There appeared to be something stuck inside of it.
"But it's so tiring… I've been doing the same thing for a thousand years." Enma said with a sigh.
"I don't get much chance to do this either." Hōzuki admitted, tapping his juice can against his head, almost like a dog holding a paw to his forehead. For some reason there seemed to be a sparkling background behind him.
"Wow, the dog man's playful pose." Shiro remarked.
'Why are there sparkles…?' Naomi wondered. They were a total mismatch with the deadpan expression on the handsome oni's face. "Well… alive or dead, I guess everyone gets a case of the 'office blues' from time to time..." she mused aloud with a sigh, gently moving Shiro aside so she could get up.
CLUNK!
"Come on, it's time to work." Hōzuki said coolly, throwing his half-full juice can into the trashcan with such ferocity that it actually made the trashcan shake and hop a few inches off of the ground.
"Hōzuki-sama, you didn't finish your grape juice?" Shiro asked as he hopped off the bench.
"It was sour." Hōzuki replied tersely.
'So the thing he was trying to shake loose was the juice!?' Naomi thought, flinching in shock. Just how far past its expiration date did juice have to be in order for it to turn solid like that…?
"Shiro!" came a shrill and angry bark, making the white dog flinch. The court lady had returned. "You! Didn't you hear me tell you to do the reports earlier!?" the little apricot poodle demanded sternly with a vein throbbing on her forehead.
"Ah… I'm sorry…" Shiro said meekly. A bead of nervous sweat slid down the side of his face.
"And one more thing! Your writing is atrocious!" she snapped. To anyone else all paw prints might look alike, but dogs could tell the difference. "Write your report neatly! This is the basics!"
"Hey, hey… You don't have to chew him out in front of Yama…" Shiro's sempai with the scarred face said as he ran over to join them.
"I believe the truth can be said anywhere!" the court lady huffed.
"Hey, now!" Enma said, sweat-dropping. He didn't like to see his employees fighting amongst themselves.
"See…?" Shiro whispered to Hōzuki and Naomi. "She's really strict, that court lady… No one's gonna marry a ball buster like that…"
"Shiro-san, she may lack for tact, but what she's saying isn't wrong." Hōzuki said calmly.
"Yes, I'm sure she's being strict with you because she wants you to learn quickly. My old supervisor at the company I used to work for was the same when I first started out." Naomi added sympathetically. "It may seem tedious, but it's very important to follow the proper procedure and etiquette within a big company, or it can cause confusion and delay work. Though I can understand why you might feel intimidated…" It was his first time working at a job like this, and it was a lot for someone with no experience to learn all at once.
"That's right. You're a bit too direct." Shiro's sempai agreed. "You're scaring Shiro."
"… Eh…" the court lady said, taken aback. "Well… about that… sorry…" she apologized, sweat-dropping. She hadn't realized how harsh she had been coming across as.
"… Huh…?" Shiro said, tilting his head in confusion. "Um… Aren't you two… like… enemies…?" he asked, sweat-dropping.
"Huh?" his sempai said, surprised.
"…" he and the court lady exchanged a glance.
"… What to do… should we tell him?" she asked.
"We'd better…" answered his sempai. "This is sooner than we'd planned, though."
"Shiro, you're still young. It takes an adult male to understand a woman's heart." The court lady said, snuggling close to Shiro's sempai as a warm and fluffy pink background worthy of being in a shoujo manga formed around them.
"We're getting married." His sempai explained proudly.
"I'm going to retire and be a housewife." She added happily.
"Seriously!!?" Shiro incredulously, flinching and turning blue with shock as he dripped with sweat. OMFG!!!
"Congratulations!" Naomi said while she and the others clapped for them. 'Knew it.' She thought. It was amazing how much Japanese hell felt like a normal company sometimes.
"Yay, I can't wait for the puppies!" Enma said, blushing excitedly at the thought of how cute the couple's kids would be.
'Fukisho is going to be understaffed again…' Hōzuki thought.
Life in Hell is generally like this.