Chapter 79 - Moonstone Crab
Suigetsu arrived at her house on the morning of June 20th to find Ooda scurrying around with a great, gasping smile on his face. "Oh, Suigetsu-san! My mom's in the kitchen!"
"What the hell's got you in such a hurry?" Suigetsu said, as Ooda reached the bottom of the stairs.
"Supplies!" he replied, and zoomed down the hall again to a storage closet. "Go talk to my mom!"
Suigetsu's heart was starting to race almost as quickly as Ooda had been running. No, it couldn't be…
Karin was indeed in the kitchen, with a tightened expression on her face. "Oh, there you are. Right on time."
"What's going on?" he asked.
She was leaning against the counter, still in her loose pajamas. Her forehead was shining slightly with sweat. "What do you think, okay?"
He couldn't ask, he couldn't ask, because he was probably wrong, just too excited. "Is your air conditioning broken?"
She reached out and slapped him slightly on the arm, before leaning against the counter again with both arms. "No, you moron. I started having contractions last night, okay? Your… kid's on the way."
Suigetsu couldn't even defend himself by saying he'd already thought of that. "No way."
"Yes way," Karin replied.
"Well, when is—when is he gonna be here? Is it soon?" His feet couldn't stop moving, and neither could his hands, his fingers.
"I'm not even remotely dilated," Karin replied, "but at this rate of progression it'll probably be a few more hours, okay? Oof…" She winced, and her hands tightened over the edges of the counter. She leaned forward, further, stretching her back and her legs, moaning softly. She bent her head, and her hair fell over her shoulders.
"…hey, uh, are you okay?" Suigetsu said, leaning sideways, when this persisted for longer than a few moments.
"Dooon't talk to me unless you want me to huuurt you," she groaned, words barely discernible through the low vowels.
Suigetsu raised his hands and backed away a little. "Well hey, sorry, it's just-"
Karin exhaled, deeply, coming out of her lean, but keeping her eyes to the floor. She then looked at a watch on her left wrist. "Six minutes. That was six minutes. Okay." She finally looked at him. "Sorry. Contraction."
His upper lip curled with discomfort, and an inability to soothe it. "You okay, though?" he repeated.
Karin sighed, shaking her head. "I'm in labor, Suigetsu, it's not exactly a cakewalk here, okay?" she replied. "It hurts, but I'll be fine. I know what I'm doing."
"Well I'm sure you know what you're doing," Suigetsu said, shoulders rising from sudden defensiveness, "I was just. Um." He folded his hands together near his stomach, and looked at them, and back. "Is there anything I can do to help, I mean?"
She considered this for a fair amount of time, eyes narrowed in (what was possibly) curiosity. "Well I suppose the best you can do is just stay out of my way," she eventually said. "I have Ooda to help me; he's far more experienced than you, anyways, okay?"
"But, I." He paused, almost waiting for her to interrupt. "But what if something happens?"
"Suigetsu, nothing's going to go wrong."
"No, no, I mean." He shook his head, his hands waving like companions. "I wanna be there when my son is born, I don't wanna miss it, okay?"
Her narrowed eyes softened. "You won't miss it," she said. "I'll make sure of it. I mean, when I'm in transition I'll be hollering up a storm, so you'll know when it's time, okay?" She managed a smirk that was both condescending and assuring.
His breath left him in half-felt relief, though his lips pursed and stretched sideways. "Well, okay. I'll just… hang around somewhere and stay outta your way, I guess. I mean, if that'll help."
"It should be fine," Karin replied. "Though, when it gets down to it, do you want to catch it?"
He blinked a few times. "'scuze me?"
"The—your baby. Do you want to catch it when it comes out?"
He blinked a few more times. "Well, uh. Um. I. Do you want me to? Because if you want me to then, hell, sure, I'll do it, I mean, if you want me to."
Karin laughed, a peppery laugh that went through her nose. "Suigetsu, if you're too uncomfortable then I'll just have Ooda do it, okay?"
"Uncomfortable? No, I'm not uncomfortable, fuck, I'm totally fine with this," he replied. He scowled. "I am more than fine with this."
She laughed again. "Yeah, okay, I'll have Ooda do it. Seriously, you don't have to if you don't want to. It's not a pretty business, okay? I get it."
Suigetsu just fidget-stepped, looking shamefully sideways. "Still wanna help somewhere, I mean, if you need me."
"Well," Karin said, almost coyly, stepping away from the counter just a little, "I do appreciate a good backrub, okay?"
"…I suck at massages," Suigetsu replied, in a quiet grumble.
"Well, if that's too much for you, I could settle for you… holding my hand or something if I need something to grab onto."
(She hadn't meant for that sincerity to sneak in there, and tried to disguise it.)
"I mean, it's good for pain relief, though if you'll turn to water on me or something from me squeezing too hard or whatever then I won't force it, okay?"
But Suigetsu was already considering this.
And he said, with a very certain nod, "Yeah, I'll hold your hand or whatever. I can do that."
"It okay if I grab onto your shoulders too?"
"What d'you mean?"
"Because," Karin said, an edge sneaking into her words, "I feel another one coming on and I need to grab something, okay?"
"Wait, hold on-!"
But her hands were already rising, and she'd flung her arms around his shoulders, clinging to his neck and the black fabric of his shirt, digging her forehead into his chest.
"The hell are you doing?" Suigetsu said, his own arms raised in reflex.
"Don't drop me…!" she replied, before falling into an almost-crying moan, like a feverish child.
His arms, eventually, came to settle, reluctantly, on her wide back, one of them even traveling up and down in a pantomime of comfort.
They remained this way for a while.
Until there was a sudden noise, a wet noise, and there was a growing puddle of water between them.
Karin noticed it first. "Ah… well. I guess my water finally broke," she said, pulling away from him and pinching her soaked pants with her fingers. "That'll move things along considerably, okay. Ooda!"
"Yeah, Mom?" The reply was very quiet, but somehow Suigetsu didn't doubt that her voice must have been clear as day to that kid.
"You got the plastic on the bed yet?"
"Working on it!"
"Good job, darling!" Karin sighed again, at the end of the compliment. "Ugh, now I'll have to change and clean up this mess…"
Suigetsu had distanced himself from the admittedly large puddle as soon as it had become apparent, and was sort of shrinking into himself by the table. "You, uh, want me to take care of that for you…?" he said, with a very tiny voice.
"Oh, don't bother, Ooda will probably mop it up soon, okay?" she said.
"Sure, just… just offering…"
Karin shrugged, lightly, before checking her watch, putting her other hand on her stomach.
And in doing so, something changed in her expression.
This, Suigetsu noticed. "Hey, what's wrong now? It's not another contraction-thing, is it?"
"No, this… can't be right," she said.
"What can't be right?"
(And it was in this wonderful, terrible moment that Karin was faced with a decision.)
(But her panic forced her tongue.)
"…the little one's gone," she said.
He managed to draw a little closer. "What?"
"It—it's gone. It's not inside me any more." Her eyes widened, her eyebrows rising.
Whatever it was she meant, her tone said that it couldn't have been anything good, and it worried Suigetsu with a dizzying quickness. "Karin, what are you talking about?"
"This can't be happening, no, no, I should have noticed, I should have noticed, oh no, no, no, not this, not this, no…!" She began clutching at her temples.
Suigetsu, stepping over the puddle, stepping past his stirring discomfort, put a hand on her shoulder. "Hey, calm down, what's going on?"
"This is all my fault, oh, no, I should have known this sooner, no, no, why…"
He put his other hand on her shoulder, but he did not shake her. "Karin," he said. "Look at me. Calm down and look at me."
And she finally looked up.
"What happened? Are you okay…?" he asked.
There were great shining tears collecting at the corners of her eyes as she lowered her hands to just below her chin. She tried to close her mouth to swallow but her lips only met in the center.
"Suigetsu, I can't—I can't feel the little one. It's, it's, it's gone." She shuddered. "I'm so sorry, I don't—I don't know what happened, okay?"
There was a sudden, cold hollowness in his knees.
He had never, ever wanted to be more wrong before.
"Well maybe—maybe with all that water out of you y'don't feel so. So, uh. Heavy?"
She shook her head. "No, no, no, you don't understand, it's gone, it's not there any more, okay?" Her voice was getting higher. "I thought—it hadn't moved in a long time, I hadn't felt anything for—for days, and I thought everything would be okay, Suigetsu, I'm so sorry…!"
Oh, no, no, no, please, no, let them be wrong.
He held onto her shoulders more firmly. "Karin. Hey. Maybe… maybe my kid just. Just came out as water? I mean, that's—he's supposed to be like me, right?"
Because his kid was still alive, he was, he was supposed to be alive.
"Does that look like a baby to you?" Karin said, flinging a hand at the puddle, before taking her glasses off and practically smashing them onto the counter, so she could cover her face. "I considered that, but—but for days, Suigetsu, I. Oh, I'm. I'm so fucking careless, I'm so stupid, I'm so sorry…!"
And Suigetsu managed to wrench his eyes away from her, to the shining, now almost thick-looking pool on the wooden floor. He could smell it, now; yes, it had a smell, not sharp, not faint, like ammonia.
His eyes were watering—from it. It was hard to breathe—because of it.
He searched for a sign—any sign of movement within those waters. He knew what to look for.
But there was nothing there, nothing but the ripple of his feet and Karin's on the edge, giving maybe an illusion of substance.
(Hozukis always returned to the water when they died.)
No moon in that water.
He wasn't getting a son, was he.
Karin was sobbing, apologizing, over, and over, and over.
"This is my fault, this is my fault, Suigetsu, I'm so sorry, I tried, I really tried, okay, I should have known…!"
She had her face hidden from him, but everything in that voice—truth, and sorrow, and grief—told him more than enough.
He put his arms around her, not for his sake, but hers, and he did not drop her.
Now, of all times, words finally came.
"Hey. Hey, calm… calm down, all right…?" He kept his voice soft, as if it were too loud he would break her. "It's not your fault."
"No, it is my fault, I did something wrong, I should have noticed that it died, I should have known better—I should have told you, this is my fault, okay…?" she said, her mouth by his heart.
"It's not your fault," he said again, holding her tighter. "Sometimes, these… these things happen. And they're unfair and they hurt a lot and."
He breathed in deeply, and his breath shook. His face felt wet. He didn't wipe any of it away. She needed his arms more.
"… sometimes these things just… happen…"
Karin made a very quiet noise, halfway between a choke and a hiccup. "Suigetsu, I'm so sorry… I'm so sorry, okay…"
"Hey, it's… okay." He swallowed. "It's fine. I'll be fine. It's okay."
He knew how to… handle himself here. He was tough. No stranger to loss.
(But he had never lost a son before.)
Another choke-hiccup. "I, I promise, I'll try again, I don't care, I, you, you need this, we'll try again, okay, I'll be more careful, I promise…"
But he pressed his head against hers, keeping his eyes closed, keeping his arms where they rested, over the star-companion of a scar he knew that she possessed there.
"…no," he said. "We don't… need to try again. Not yet, not right now. You've already done enough."
He held her tighter, as if the strength in his arms would keep the tears out of his eyes.
(They couldn't.)
"Thank you, Karin. Thank you, thank you, for everything. For even trying. I will… never, ever be more grateful…"
She removed her face from his chest, there, and looked at him with aching eyes.
(She could barely see his face, from the tears, from her lack of glasses, but his expression, magnified by his voice, was painfully clear.)
"You're. You're welcome, okay…?" she managed.
Before the two of them collapsed into themselves, but still barely standing, keeping the other from falling to their knees in shared grief.
Ooda, entering the kitchen, hearing all the noise, wasn't quite sure what to make of it.
"Mom…? You okay? Is it another contraction?"
(For him, she managed to knit together some composure.)
"…it's nothing, Ooda, don't worry…"
(Of course, he worried.)
He came closer. "Uh… Mom, what's this on the floor, though?"
Karin bowed her head deeper into Suigetsu's chest, closing her eyes.
"Is, uh—did something just happen? I…" He paused. There was a slight noise as he crouched down. "Huh. Mom? Seriously, are you okay?"
"I'm fine, darling, I'm fine…" Karin said. "Just a little… I'm fine…"
"Ah, well, I—I just, the, uh. Mom?"
Karin raised her head and tried wiping her eyes in a vain effort to look presentable, now that he was so near. "Yes?"
"What's this?"
Neither of them wanted to look.
"Ooda, the… the little one didn't…"
But Suigetsu, in looking at Ooda, saw it before her, and patted her on the shoulder urgently. He handed his glasses to her.
There, congealing in the puddle, was a slimy, translucent sort of lump. And it was moving.
"Mom, what-?"
Karin hushed him.
The squirming little blob budded limbs, turning over a little. There were four of them, and they quickly gained hands, feet, toes, fingers.
It gained color, and eyes, large, swollen eyes, that tried to shut as soon as they opened, and a mouth.
And it made several burbling little noises, like pebbles dropping into a creek, before ripping into a weak, almost half-hearted wail.
"Oh my goodness," Karin said, her hands over her mouth. "It can't—it can't be. Oh goodness, it's."
"He's okay." Suigetsu's mouth was an open, growing smile.
Karin was starting to cry again. "He's okay…!"
"Well, uh, that was interesting," Ooda said. "Um, Mom, are you just going to leave him there or…?"
"Oh! Look at me, what am I doing. Suigetsu, go pick him up, he's yours, after all, okay." Karin sniffled as nobly as she could.
But Suigetsu shook his head. "No, you get him. He's sorta… yours too, after all."
(She had to rebound with something sharp, because otherwise she'd have started crying even harder.)
"Be more considerate, I'm still in a fair bit of pain, here! You pick him up, then you give him to me, okay?" she said.
"Well, fine!" Suigetsu said. And he got on his knees and, with very careful hands, he went to pick his son up, one hand under the head, one under the body.
Of course, the baby had other ideas, half-melting into jelly as soon as Suigetsu's fingers touched him, but still crying. Though his cries grew considerably mushier as he lost his form.
(Something that none of them knew, due to age and isolation and countless other factors: young Hozuki children took a while to learn how to control their bodies, beginning in-utero. Any mild amount of jostling could cause instant liquefaction. A holdover of a defense mechanism, possibly, but a modern nuisance for many Hozuki parents.)
(Mothers were encouraged—but more often forced—to lay around and rest as much as possible, not to prevent miscarriage, but to give their children-to-be more time to practice forming their bodies. It made things easier down the road.)
(Given how busy his mother was, the baby didn't have much experience. But the cold stillness of her kitchen floor sure forced a lesson out of him.)
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, little guy, don't do that! C'mon, lemme hold you," Suigetsu said.
Almost as if in response to his voice, the translucent glob-thing in his hands quivered for a moment, before solidifying a little more. The mushy cries quieted a little, as well.
"That's my boy…! Aw, man, look at you, you're so tiny…!" Suigetsu didn't even try to mask his smile as he resituated the baby from his hands to the crook of his arm. "Jeez, Karin, look at him…!"
"Oh, I'm… looking," Karin said, almost stumbling from the sudden address.
Almost stumbling even further when Suigetsu brought him up to her, so she could get a better view.
"He's perfect, he's freaking perfect. Jeez, little guy, why'd you have to scare us like that," Suigetsu continued. "That was some move."
The baby, naked and cold and fussy and very, very solid, just squirmed in his father's arms, waving his own little arms desperately into the air.
"Ooda, get a blanket," Karin said, in a hiss-whisper. "And—and plastic to go with it! Just in case!"
"On it!" Ooda practically skipped down the hallway.
"You wanna hold him once he gets back?" Suigetsu said.
"What?"
"I mean, come on, it's only fair," Suigetsu said. "I mean, unless you'd rather rest—jeez, speaking of which, you wanna sit down or something? You still in pain?"
She laughed, though it looked like she was wincing at the same time. "I'm fine, okay? I'm gonna go sit down, though." And she moved, with far less stiffness than before, to the kitchen table, and she got a seat.
(She laughed more, though more gently, when Suigetsu got a chair beside her. And she watched as he bounced and cooed and shushed the little one to calmness, and she listened as the cries disappeared and became the familiar, light fusses that still made her smile uncontrollably.)
Ooda returned with a blanket and a trash bag and a wild smile. "Here you go, Mom!"
He lingered by the counter, watching with clear eagerness in his mouth as Karin held the blanket in place for Suigetsu to wrap the baby up in, with the trash bag added over it, like an afterthought.
"Guess we won't be needing the plastic on the bed, huh," Ooda said. "You want me to go take it off and put it away, Mom?"
"Not now, you don't need to, Ooda," she said. "Uh, Suigetsu, is it—okay if Ooda gets a chance to hold him after I do…?"
"What, are you stupid? Of course," Suigetsu said. "Might as well, right?"
Ooda's grin only made Suigetsu's larger.
"Here, your turn." Gently, Suigetsu passed the child to her, and she held him, sighing every now and then, shaking her head, but smiling.
The baby yawned, and his slightly-swollen eyes opened, and stayed open. He blinked very slowly.
"Whoa—haha, man, look at that. He's got your freaking eyes," Suigetsu said.
"What?"
"Look at 'em, they don't got any black in 'em," Suigetsu continued, pointing. "See, look, I told you. He's your kid too. No denyin' it now."
And Karin looked. Babies' eyes were usually dark gray or dark blue when born, but this baby's eyes—and she could see, clearly, their color—were a dark reddish purple… with no pupils.
Like her.
"…well, he's still primarily your son, okay…" she said, softly, and gently stroked the baby's forehead, which made him close his eyes again. What little hairs he had were wispy and colorless. "Oh, you little darling… I'm putting you down in the records as easiest birth ever, okay? Goodness…"
"I told him not to give you too much trouble," Suigetsu said, chuckling.
She looked at him with twisted eyebrows. "What?"
…ah, shit.
"…well, whenever I talked to him, before he was born, I… told him not to give you too much trouble. S'all."
"Maybe you should have tried telling him not to worry me too, okay," Karin replied.
"…yeah, well, shut up," Suigetsu replied. He crossed his arms. "Now give Ooda a try already, he looks like he's gonna explode or somethin' if he doesn't."
"Oh! I can wait! I swear! I'm fine!" Ooda replied, far too quickly. "You and Mom should get your time in first, Suigetsu-san, it's only fair."
"Hey. I get a whole lifetime with him, you'll only see him every now an' then. You should take advantage of my generosity," Suigetsu said.
"Every now and then, huh," Karin said.
"…well, and he is gonna live with you for a bit, isn't he?" Suigetsu replied. "You said you were keepin' him for the first three months, right? Or longer?" He moved forward without an answer. "B'sides, no matter when we finally set out, I'm always gonna come back at least once a month. For reports. And, well… I think it'd be nice to sorta… have a home base like that, for him. With people he'll know. Like a mom and a brother. Those are nice things to have."
Karin laughed a little again. "A little brother for Ooda, huh? What do you think about that, Ooda?"
"Oh my gosh, I can't even imagine that…!" Ooda replied. "Um, it'd definitely be more than wonderful, I think!"
"Then I officially declare you brothers, so long as he's here in this house," Suigetsu said, with a royal grin. "Though outside… I dunno."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Karin said, her face narrowing into a needle that punctured Ooda's own smile.
"…well I don't want people linkin' me back to you because of him, now," he replied, carefully. "I don't want my kid to screw you and your kid over by accidentally mentioning either of you to people. So whenever we're out of the area, I won't say nothin', and I'll make sure he won't either, okay?"
(…oh, she knew she'd made the right decision all those months ago.)
"Well, good, I'd have asked you to do that anyways," she said. "You saved me the trouble."
"Yeah, well… whatever," Suigetsu said, doing a poor job of masking his satisfaction. "Hand the kid over already, jeez."
"To you?"
"No, to your kid! Jeez, what did you think I meant?"
Karin just shook her head, sighing, smirking, and then stretching her arms out to transfer the baby to Ooda's arms.
(Ooda had held many babies before, but this was a little brother, and he required much care.)
"He's really cute, Suigetsu-san," he eventually said, after several silent, rocking moments. "Did you decide on a name at all?"
"Yeah," Suigetsu said. "Shingetsu. Your mom came up with it. I think it's a good one."
"I like it," Ooda said.
Karin just smiled.
(When she finally settled down to put Shingetsu's birth in her records, she noted, with a small amount of amusement, that her only biological child also shared a birthday with her.)
(Funny how things like that worked out.)
There weren't many adjustments that needed to be made, after everything was cleaned up and put away, though it took a fair amount of effort for Suigetsu to bring himself to leave the house, to do his duties. He stayed in the guest room for a week, and got up to feed his son from the bottles of formula in the kitchen when he heard crying at night, without Karin's permission.
But there still were duties, and the fact that he had a kid now didn't change anything. So he had to leave, though he came back with his usual reports very quickly.
Though what did change were his thoughts, and his honest wonderings at if Shingetsu could handle such long, often-rough journeys.
(These thoughts were always loudest on the stormy and the cold nights.)
This was especially because Shingetsu still had troubles staying solid, to Karin's consternation. And Suigetsu tried to help where he could—what, he honestly did—but as much as he hated to admit it, he was as clueless as she was at getting him to behave.
Somehow, they managed. And by the time the three months were up, Shingetsu managed to stay mostly solid, except when he was recently-awakened. The trick was to keep him in near-constant motion when he was awake and baby-shaped, so he could get used to the form. This was not much of an issue when Ooda was so willing to watch him when his mother was on duty, and Karin being so attentive besides, and Suigetsu being, well, his father, and pretty much refusing to leave him alone when he was home.
Still, for the first trip out, Suigetsu arrived with a large kettle attached to his pack. "In case he liquefies on me an' doesn't wanna change back. I 'unno."
Once Karin stopped giggling, she said, "Hey, if it works for you."
And it did work.
…mostly.
That first trip out resulted in Suigetsu's return not an hour after he'd set out. Shingetsu was sleeping in the pouch on his back, though it was now folded up in his arms; he wasn't using the kettle.
"What's the matter, did you forget something?" Karin said.
"…no, Shingetsu just missed you too much and I thought he wasn't ready. 'Cos I am but he, well." He handed the baby over to Karin. "Hold him already, he was cryin' up a whole bunch like a half hour ago."
(Karin didn't even ask him how he knew that Shingetsu missed her, half because she knew how simple of an excuse it was, and half because she was almost touched by the idea.)
(But she didn't worry about the child's well-being. She'd put a seal on the back of his neck, just like all of her other ones, with Suigetsu's permission.)
("If I ever need you, I can let you know through him by making the seal tingle," she added, as a justification. "I mean, just in case…")
(But Suigetsu just shook his head, with a wry smile. "I know you just wanna keep an eye on him. It's fine with me.")
It took several months for Shingetsu to finally seem ready for a long-term trip out with his dad. But it wouldn't be until he was older, walking and talking and able to take care of himself to some extent, that he would leave and not return until his father did, a month later.
Before then—and sometimes, for a week or two at a time afterward—he lived with Karin. And she took very good care of him, as did Ooda, and what few patients and neighbors of hers that came to know him grew delighted with the "son of a friend" that she was caring for while he was away.
(And she took even greater pleasure in seeing how Suigetsu would light up upon coming home with his news and his reports, taking that boy into his arms and not letting go for a very long time. Which was even funnier when Shingetsu, arms around his shoulders, kept interrupting him to tell him things.)
With each return, Suigetsu had more news about the other children, how they were growing up, the skills they were learning, the friends they were making. And each time Suigetsu came back there seemed to be a new discovery about Shingetsu to be shared.
Karin, for example, discovered during a checkup when Shingetsu was about two years old that his cells—even in their more watery form—were like hers.
Though she abstained from doing much research with his blood.
(He was Suigetsu's kid, and she didn't want to hurt him, or push any boundaries.)
Though when she told Suigetsu of her discovery, after barely mentioning her further theories, Suigetsu was strangely all right with it, even encouraging her to poke and prod around a little.
"Hey, I trust you not to hurt him," he explained. "I mean, not like you would. Besides, this could be a good thing. Go ahead."
(They both tried not to smile too hard at each other.)
Another discovery was Shingetsu's unusual aptitude for sensing things. Karin found this out when the boy suddenly perked up one afternoon and informed her "DADDY'S comin'!"
Even though Suigetsu would not arrive for a good half hour. She told him this the third time it happened, since it couldn't have been coincidence by then, and Suigetsu seemed strangely pleased.
"Well look at you, smart guy. Work hard and listen to your mom. She's good at that stuff too," he told the boy.
"Okay!" Shingetsu replied.
"What, you want me to train him…?" Karin said.
"…well duh. You're an expert. I want him to be an expert too," Suigetsu replied.
(Funny, how these skills of his all seemed to come from her.)
"I'll do my best," she said, with her body tilted in a happy challenge.
Shingetsu, in time, became almost as good as her, when it came to tracking people. And his blood, through what experiments she felt comfortable with doing, seemed like something utterly revolutionary, if used in the right way.
(But she refused to stockpile it, or even use it. There were some lines she didn't want to cross, especially not now.)
Though there were other, earlier discoveries.
Not necessarily having to do with Shingetsu.
Of course, it was Karin who took the first step in testing that line. And she did so by telling Suigetsu that she wanted to speak with him in private.
"Ooda, can you keep your little brother out of our way?" she asked, after Suigetsu cautiously said that he would (though only after getting a confirmation that he wasn't in trouble).
"Sure, Mom," Ooda replied. "Come on, now, little brother."
Shingetsu squealed and shifted his weight like an animated sack of potatoes when Ooda bent over to pick him up. He was a little more than a year old, at that point. Not yet his father's constant companion.
Suigetsu was taken, to his surprise, to Karin's bedroom. And she patted the space beside her as she sat down at the edge of her bed.
She frowned at him when he didn't immediately sit. "Come on, it's not a trap or anything, okay? It's more comfortable than the floor."
His shoulders and back were tense as he took his place. "So what's this about, then?" he said. "You said I'm not in trouble, so… what is it?"
"You just look a little stressed, so I was wondering if you'd like to… relax for a bit with me."
"…relax."
"I'm pretty good at giving massages, okay. And… other things."
Karin looked at the ceiling with melting innocence.
Suigetsu scooted a few centimeters away. "What the… hell are you getting at. I'm not stressed."
"You say that, but I think otherwise," Karin said. "Look, I'm just offering, it's the least I can do for you."
"Do what?"
"You."
Suigetsu's face creased further.
"Okay, so maybe I'm being too forward," Karin said, with a laugh. "Still, I could always just give you a massage and leave it at that."
Suigetsu's thoughts wrinkled as well.
Finally, he said, "…do you really want to give me a massage, or are you just saying this because you want to… sleep with me?"
And afterwards trying very hard not to slap himself because of-fucking-course she didn't want that.
But Karin didn't say anything, just smiling a little mouse-smile.
Suigetsu gulped.
Though, because of-fucking-course she had to, she spoke right as he was going to.
"If that's what you want then I'm not opposed to it," she said.
The best he could come up with in retort was, "…but I don't want another kid yet."
She started laughing. "Don't tell me you don't think people have sex just for fun."
"Well—well no, of course I fucking know that, I just didn't think—oh come on, stop laughing!" He crossed his arms and waited for her. "Seriously, you aren't just… messing with me, are you?"
"I'm not messing with you. I'm just offering. Seeing what you want to do. Because, frankly, I'd like to relieve some stress too, if I can, okay?"
He tilted his head in looking at her. "Huh?"
"I've got needs too, Suigetsu. And, hey, you're convenient and you're… reliable, okay."
"…what am I, a kitchen utensil or something?"
…the fuck was it with him and stupid comebacks? She started laughing again.
"No, you're just a… friend, okay," she replied, losing her laughter, but not her smile. She leaned back on one of her arms. "It'd be too much effort to try and find someone else like you, though."
Somehow, maybe from the melody in her voice, or the sharp smile she was wearing, he got the feeling that "friend" meant far more than just that, to her.
"Glad I'm so valuable," Suigetsu replied. He cleared his throat. "So, uh. Massage? You first. Only fair."
Her smile, in return, was twisted and tight, but pleased. She rolled onto her stomach and said, over her shoulder, "Be gentle with me."
"Oh shut up," he replied.
But he was. He had to be.
Even after they'd turned the lights off and started messing around with the sheets.
But they kept their clothes on, and never kissed, and barely talked.
Even in all the encounters afterward, in their little bursts of stress relief and passionless words and discussion afterward, he was always gentle with her.
(And she with him. She constructed her propositions carefully, knowing he would never ask first.)
(She'd never been treated with such care or respect, not by a man.)
Even—no, especially after it almost became a routine, with his returns and their sharing of news and dinner, and waiting until the night had settled in—or sometimes sooner, if she was feeling irritated or sore or excited (or if she could see the same things in him).
Where she would dismiss the children (and Ooda seemed to have a remarkable, though awkward, understanding as to why) and they would just lay on her bed and talk and do other, gentle things, where she could tell him things she didn't want Ooda to hear, where he could slingshot back with his own advice, his own worries.
Routine was the best way to describe it. There was no love in their actions, they were just necessary things, needs to be filled.
(If there was any love, it was for the fact that the other merely existed, and was able to fill these needs.)
Neither of them wanted love, anyways.
Love hurt, and it never lasted long.
This was better.