Chapter 4: Strange Discovery In Hell
In 'that' world, there exist animals and plants not found in 'this' world.
Hōzuki watched his carefully cared for field of kingyosou flop around on their long stalks, swaying their tail fins with the breeze.
"To change the fertilizer, or to change the feed… that is the question." He mused aloud, resting his head on his hand. As usual, he planned to use part of his lunch break to make sure they were properly hydrated. Hōzuki placed the garden hose in a bucket that had holes punched into the bottom, and used a fishing rod to hold it up over the patch of goldfish plants to water them. The kingyosou flapped their side fins excitedly in the gentle shower of water.
"Ohh, awesome." Said a minion who happened to be passing by with a tray of scrolls. "It grew so much, the kingyosou species that Hōzuki-sama had genetically modified. There are many hobbyists right now… There's also large-scale events and competitions, right?" he added good-naturedly. "My cousin is so obsessed with them that he often drives his wife mad~"
"I understand." Hōzuki said. "Because I'm so busy that I have no time for a holiday, this unwittingly became my hobby." Although, lately the nearly nonexistent time he had to relax had increased to a somewhat more tolerable amount since Naomi's addition to the staff… Her shocked expression when he first introduced her to his 'pets' had been very amusing.
Later that evening, Naomi had just finished placing her order for barbequed salmon with sides of grilled asparagus and seasoned wild rice, when King Enma joined the line right behind her.
"Oh, if it isn't Nao-chan!" he said, pleasantly surprised. "What did you order? Are you eating together with Hōzuki-kun?" he asked with a big grin.
"Actually…" Naomi said, sweat-dropping, about to explain how a lot of times (like tonight) she liked to eat with Shiro-kun and friends when their shifts ended at the same time, since she and Hōzuki saw enough of each other during work hours. After such a long day, she wanted to be able to spend some time relaxing and commiserating with her coworkers. It was a bit much to be expected to hang out with your boss after work hours.
"Let's all eat together, then! It'll be fun!" he said brightly with the radiance of a thousand suns before she could object.
"Today's dinner is Coelacanth-don~!" The Great King sang cheerfully as he led the way to join Hōzuki at the table in front of the TV, completely oblivious to Naomi's reluctance to follow him.
'Uwah… I knew the staff canteen possessed and incredible variety of cuisine, but to think they'd even cook such a highly endangered species of fish…' she thought as a bead of sweat slid down the side of her face. "Hm?" she said, perking up when she heard a familiar theme song playing as they approached Hōzuki. "Is that 'Mystery Theatre'?" she asked, surprised. "I used to watch this all the time when I was still alive!" Tonight's episode was all about Australia.
"Oh! Is this a TV show from the human realm?" Enma asked.
"Yes, we can watch it through the CS." Hōzuki said calmly. "I like how this show's presenter makes himself seem larger than life."
"Yes, he's good at that." Naomi agreed, sitting down to watch. 'They get reception all the way down here? The satellite TV in Hell is amazing!' she thought.
"… Ah?" Enma said as something occurred to him. "Say, come to think of it… there was a peculiar figurine in your office." He told Hōzuki. "I wonder what it was…"
"You mean the Crystal Hitoshi-kun?" Naomi asked.
"Crystal Hitoshi-kun!!? Is that what it was!?" Enma asked, flinching in surprise.
"I won it with a Mongolian folk costume." Hōzuki replied coolly.
"That's so amazing! But dull!" Enma exclaimed while Naomi sweat-dropped, wondering how the two prizes were supposed to be related. "Haa… but it looks so enjoyable, don't you think so? Traveling overseas…" Enma said with a sigh. "I haven't been on a trip overseas in the last one thousand years, except on business…"
"Me, too." Said Hōzuki. "How I wish pay a long visit to the 'Witches' Valley'. I might be able to see Potter too…"
"Huh? Isn't that in Germany? Harry's supposed to be English. Ah, but I've heard they have a great festival for Walpurgisnacht… I should have splurged on a real vacation before I died…" Naomi said with a sigh, resting her head on her hand. It was too late for that now. She hadn't expected to be stuck working in her afterlife too.
"If you tried going there on that particular night, you would be cast out for sure." Hōzuki retorted bluntly. That festival was supposed to be for exorcising evil from the mountains, so demons and ghosts wouldn't be very comfortable there.
"I think the human realm is so awesome…" Enma said, daydreaming about all of the amazing places one could go there. "I wanna plant a flag on Earth's belly button, Ayer's Rock, and shout 'Chicken rice!'"
"Chicken rice?" Naomi said wryly.
"You will do no such thing!" Hōzuki said sternly, slamming his club into the ground with a fierce frown. "How could you think of sticking a flag into the Earth's belly button… Don't you know that it'll give the Earth a stomachache!?"
"Seriously!?" Naomi exclaimed, sweat-dropping, as she and Enma both flinched in shock.
"You!! Don't you think you sound like a mother sometimes!?" Enma complained to Hōzuki, also sweat-dropping.
"Be gentler to the Earth!!" Hōzuki scolded him, needling the Great King's cheek with his spiked club.
"You're not being gentle with me!!" Enma exclaimed indignantly, fighting to push it away. Naomi sweat-dropped again. To think these were her bosses… it would probably seem totally hilarious if they weren't her problem.
"Oh, look! It's Kangaroo Island." She said, drawing their attention back to the TV. They watched the beautiful scenery while a female explorer began explaining what kinds of wildlife could be found there.
"But, I wish to visit Australia too." Hōzuki admitted after a moment.
"It's beautiful and also full of unique sceneries." Said Enma.
"They have a lot of unique wildlife too." Said Naomi.
"Yes, and also…" Hōzuki said, glancing back at the screen as the camera zoomed in on a koala in a tree. "I want to hug the koalas." He said determinedly, clenching his fist.
"I know, right?" Naomi agreed enthusiastically with a smile. "The Marsupials they have there are really cute and interesting."
"Why a koala!?" Enma asked Hōzuki, completely taken aback. "I can see Nao-chan cuddling with one, but aren't you the type that prefers to tame the Tasmanian Devil!?" Those things were the epitome of ferocity!
"You're being rude!" Hōzuki snapped. "If you ask which type I am, I'm definitely the type that wishes to speak with wallabies!" he stated seriously.
"Are you saying all you think about is stuff like the Sylvanian Families!!?" Enma shouted incredulously. Did the warm part of Hell just freeze over!?
"Oh, I remember those…" Naomi said. She used to have the bunny series of those cute little animal dollhouse sets.
"Wallabies are definitely adorable…" Hōzuki continued. "But if you look closer at Kangaroos, they are mysteriously ennui…"
"One of my personal favorites is the platypus." Naomi quipped. "They look unreal, but they're oddly cute in their own way, and they don't take crap lying down."
"Yes, the hind claws of the male platypus are poisonous." Hōzuki agreed.
"Hey! Why do you know so much about the animals of Oceania?" Enma asked him.
"Because I happen to enjoy books and TV shows about animals." Hōzuki replied calmly. "I enjoyed following the serialization of the 'Choju-Giga' while it was ongoing, too."
"You mean the national treasure of 'Animal-Person Caricatures' that were published by the monks at Kozan Temple?" Naomi asked, sweat-dropping. That was back in the 12th/13th century… Just how old was Hōzuki?
"Speaking of which, don't you often visit zoos when you go to the human realm for work… Can you stop reporting that as a business expense?" Enma asked.
"It counts as an on-site investigation." Hōzuki quipped. "And you were right, Naomi-san. The Ueno Zoo was awesome. They had a deadly amount of pigeons." One kid was seriously crying when they surrounded her.
"That's awesome?" Enma asked dubiously.
'I said that as a warning, not a recommendation…' Naomi thought wryly, sweat-dropping.
"Not only that, the blue shoebills at Ueno Zoo will remain perfectly still. The distance between the shoebills and I… is so wonderful, I love it!" Hōzuki said, clutching his chopsticks. No matter what anyone did, they refused to move. Their hearts were hardened beyond influence. "I adore their standoffishness."
"Yes, they're famous for that." Naomi said with a wry smile. It made sense for him to like them, since he was just like that himself…
"Oh, I can see it now." Enma said, picturing Hōzuki staring straight at the unblinking birds with identical standoffish expressions on their faces. "Those birds remind me of you somehow…" They had a lot in common.
"Aww~ Look at the baby wombat!" Naomi cooed excitedly when the adorable little animal appeared on screen. It was so cute and pudgy! It looked like it had just finished growing in its fur.
"That flat nose…" Hōzuki said, entranced.
'Fufu… to think that Hōzuki-kun has a rather cute side to him too…' Enma thought, smiling as he watched them and ate. He and Nao-chan probably got along so well because they were both animal lovers. 'He might unexpectedly admire Mutsugorou-san, too… Something like, Hōzuki-kun and his happy animal friends.' Enma suddenly froze mid bite. 'Hōzuki-kun and his happy animal friends!?' he thought alarmed, gasping as the image of Hōzuki holding a whip, surrounded by some of the world's largest and most fierce and frightening creatures to have ever existed. "No… No way, no way!!" Enma cried, slamming his hands against the table as he turned blue with shock, starting to panic. "Hōzuki-kun! Pets are meant to be small-sized!"
'What in the world is he imagining over there all by himself…?' Naomi wondered, sweat-dropping. From the sound of it, she had a feeling she would probably be better off not knowing.
"Huh? At the moment, I only have pet goldfish." Hōzuki reminded him.
"Oh, those…" Naomi said with an awkward smile, sweat-dropping again. She thought the smaller ones were kind of cute once she got used to the idea of the existence of such a strange combination of plant and animal… But the bigger ones still gave her the creeps for some reason.
"Ah… the kingyosou, isn't it…" Enma said, also sweat-dropping as he pictured the strange creatures. "Are those… an animal? Or a plant?" he asked.
"I wonder." Said Hōzuki, tilting his head slightly. "Perhaps they are both?"
'So not even he knows?' Naomi thought, raising an eyebrow. "Wouldn't that make it a 'planimal'?" she asked.
"Yes, let's go with that." Hōzuki said. "Oh, that's right. The eldest goldfish has grown past three meters. It's very charming, want to see it?"
'It's even bigger…!?' Naomi thought, flinching in alarm.
"There really are happy animal friends!!" Enma exclaimed, shocked. "Ah, three meters…" he said, calming himself down a bit. "Then I guess you'll win this year's 'Kingyosou Competition'."
"Hm, nah." Hōzuki said, taking a bite of his shrimp tempura. "I had the chance to take part and be inducted into the hall of fame last year, so I'm on the judging panel this year."
"You have a lot of things going on, don't you." Enma said. "How exactly does one judge a competition like that?"
"Other than size, color patterns… clarity of the eyes, and the energy level…" Hōzuki said, counting each one off on his fingers. "Well, the details can be found in the competition rule book. Oh, and there's its cry as well…"
"It's cry!?" Enma asked, flinching in shock.
"It's like hearing a rabbit scream…" Naomi said in low voice, shuddering at the memory of when Hōzuki had shown her.
"Rabbits scream!?" Enma shouted, turning blue in the face.
"Only in cases of extreme fear or pain." Hōzuki explained with a straight face.
'I don't even want to know how he knows that!!!' Enma cried internally.
"But it's nothing like that for the kingyosou." Hōzuki said calmly. "They can do it at any time…"
Example Scenario:
[Next up, we have contestant #4!] the emcee announced.
"Do your best, Masako!" Contestant #4's owner encouraged the large goldfish. Masako began opening and closing her mouth.
"… Gy…ah… OGYAA! OGYAA! OGYAA! OGYAA!" she began screaming at the top of her lungs.
"That was wonderful." The first judge said once the goldfish had finished, giving it a nine.
"It was full of emotion, and wonderfully discomfiting." Said Hōzuki, giving it a ten.
"That was a really good cry." The third judge said, also giving it a ten.
"That's the cry?" Enma asked, not seeing what the big deal was. But then he had never actually heard it in person.
"The nurturing skills of the owner is also another point of evaluation." Hōzuki added nonchalantly.
"Aren't those kingyosou genetically modified by you? Even though I've know you for a very long time, you're as mysterious as ever." Enma remarked, sweat-dropping.
"Is that so? I'm quite a simple guy." Hōzuki replied carelessly.
'No, I wouldn't call someone who goes around genetically modifying plants and animals for a hobby 'simple'…!' Naomi thought, sweat-dropping. What was he thinking when he made those things?
"I couldn't even guess what you like in a woman." Enma told him.
"I would think this girl is rather cute." Hōzuki said, pointing at the woman who was explaining everything while the camera followed her around. "I kind of wish she would come over here soon."
'Mystery Hunter X Hunter!!' Enma thought, surprised by his choice.
'Run, Narrator-chan!!' Naomi thought.
"Oh~ So you like this the type of girl…" Enma said, leaning closer for a better look at the screen. Personally, he thought Nao-chan was prettier.
"No… It's not exactly about her looks… I just like girls who are not afraid of bugs or animals." Hōzuki clarified as the girl gushed excitedly over the huge grub that was being shown to her.
"Ah… So that's it." Enma said, nodding in understanding. "I believe it after what you told me."
"Oh, speaking of bugs…" Naomi said, reaching into her kimono sleeve when she suddenly remembering something important. "What should I do with this guy?" she asked, pulling out a teacup that had a piece of paper with tiny pin-sized air holes poked in it secured tightly over the top with rubber band.
"This guy?" Hōzuki asked as he and Enma stared at it, wondering what could be inside.
"Well, I found this huge spider chillin' under my desk earlier, so I captured it, but now I don't know what to do with it…" she explained calmly with a small frown. "Where's the best place to release it?"
"Let me see." Enma said, thinking it couldn't be that big. His eyes nearly popped out of his head when he removed the cover and saw that spider was so large it filled the whole cup. "Eyaah!!" He cried, startled, throwing the cup away. Fortunately for the spider, it managed to jump out and escape before the cup shattered on the floor.
"Aw, I liked that cup…" Naomi said, disappointed. "And now that spider's probably going to be lying in wait for me under my desk again."
"That wasn't very nice, Enma-sama." Hōzuki scolded the Great King. "Those who thoughtlessly torment and abandon animals are headed straight to Fukisho Hell."
"True, humans should never do such things. But what happened just now was an accident. I was surprised!" Enma said defensively. "Most girls couldn't carry something like that around so calmly…" Nao-chan definitely wasn't a normal.
"Well, I've caught stranger things ice fishing with my family, so…" She said, scratching her cheek as she thought back to her rather eventful childhood in Alaska. And with all of her recent experiences in Hell added on top of that, a giant spider just wasn't that shocking anymore.
"That's nothing. Those who can still laugh it off when an anaconda starts to strangle them are definitely…" Hōzuki said wistfully, remembering when a certain shocking scene was broadcasted on the TV a few years ago.
"You really do admire Mutsugorou-san after all!!" Enma exclaimed.
'Yeah, that was a scene that didn't allow someone to simply laugh it off…' Naomi thought, sweat-dropping. "Your girlfriend would have to be a real heavy-weight to survive something like that…" she commented wryly.
"Hey… Where would you bring your date to, anyway?" Enma asked curiously.
"If it's a living girl, I'll bring her to the cemetery first. If it's a girl from here, I'd bring her to Disneyland in Maihama." Hōzuki replied.
"Why a cemetery?" Naomi asked dubiously.
"Why does the dead get the priority to visit Disneyland…?" Enma asked, sweat-dropping.
"No… It's to let the living understand that 'one day you'll become like them too'." Hōzuki explained.
"That's real downer of a topic for a date…" Naomi commented, sweat-dropping.
"At least allow the living to embrace the joy of being alive." said Enma.
"Also, I like girls who are positive." Hōzuki added, finishing off his rice.
"I doubt anyone would appreciate being told to be positive by you… Right, Nao-chan?" Enma said, glancing at her for support.
"No comment." Naomi answered with an impressively neutral expression, wisely abstaining from venting her real opinion on all the stress that she had begun to accumulate working under that sadist.
"What are you talking about?" Hōzuki asked Enma. "I have always been living my life to the fullest, blissfully and heartily every day." He stated with a fierce deadpan expression and a dark and ominous aura. Naomi sweat-dropped.
"I can't see a single ounce of cheer on your face right now." Enma retorted bluntly. "… Well, to be able to spend your days happily in this current era of chaos and dissatisfaction is a really good thing…"
"That's because if I'm angry or dissatisfied, I'll vent it out immediately." Hōzuki replied calmly.
'That's true…' Enma thought, sipping his tea.
'And usually at the expense of others…' Naomi thought as she stabbed her last piece of asparagus with her chopsticks, chagrined.
"… Nevertheless, I do wish to be able to go on a holiday once in a while." Hōzuki said, watching the Australian scenery on the TV with interest.
"Me too~" Enma said wistfully. "I want to go somewhere exciting with lots of nature and wild animals. Although, I suppose you could describe Hell that way…"
"Yeah, that kind of vacation sounds nice... I've always been interested in Australia, but I think, given the chance, I'd give Alaska priority now." Naomi remarked with a sigh. "I miss my hometown… I want to see the sunrise over the harbor… and the puffins… and the whales… and the sea lions..." She also wanted to see her family again, but she had been too worried about what they might say if they found out about her new profession to go back, and now she'd lost her chance… She should have just gone home when she lost her job instead of letting her pride get in the way… "Eagles are like pigeons over there…" she added with another sigh.
"Talk about 'Land of the Free'!" Enma remarked, suddenly picturing a scene with the swarms of pigeons in Ueno Zoo replaced by bald eagles.
"That does sound interesting…" said Hōzuki. "I've heard Alaska is America's final frontier."
"Isn't that space?" Enma asked.
"You're thinking of Star Trek." Naomi said, sweat-dropping. But it was true about Alaska being America's last frontier.
"But speaking of holidays…" Enma said, getting back on topic. "You need to plan an agenda, purchase tickets, reserve a hotel, and more… That's really troublesome~ I can understand why all dads rely on the mothers to do the planning~"
"Really? It was usually my dad who made the vacation arrangements in my family." Naomi chimed in. Her dad used to be a commercial fisherman, but now he mostly worked in the company's seafood-processing factory so he could stay closer to home.
"Eh? Then, what did your mother do?" Enma asked.
"Well, she was an air traffic controller, so… between that and raising me and my brothers, she really had her hands full… But she would take us hunting when she had some time off." Naomi explained.
"Alaskan women sure are tough." Enma said, impressed.
"Actually, my mother's originally from Hokkaido." Naomi said with a smile. Her mother met her father when she came over to Seward as part of a foreign exchange student program in high school.
"That's right." Said Hōzuki. "Your file said you were half Japanese…" Though she looked and acted more American…
"Yes, that's why they named me 'Naomi', because it's a name that can be easily transitioned between Japanese and English." In Japanese it was written using the characters for 'honest/straight' and 'beautiful'. Written in English it could be taken as the biblical name meaning 'pleasantness'.
"Oh, so that's why there was a kanji reading in parentheses next to your personal name!" said Enma.
"Ah." Hōzuki gasped suddenly, still staring at the TV.
"… Wha? Huh?" Enma said as he and Naomi looked over to see what had grabbed his attention.
"Eh…" Naomi said, blinking in disbelief, while Enma's eyes widened in surprise. Listed as the winner for a 4D3N trip to Australia for two was none other than one Hōzuki, location: Hell. "Ehhhhh!?" she exclaimed, flinching in shock. No way!!
"You won the prize!? The four-day trip to Australia!!?" Enma shouted incredulously, also flinching in shock. No fair!!!
"Enma-sama! Allow me to take a paid leave of absence! Even if you stop me, I'll stil go for it!!" Hōzuki said determinedly as he whipped out his daily planner and pen, dead serious.
"Bring me with you!" Enma yelled.
"I refuse!" Hōzuki said without mercy. "Naomi! Reschedule my special appointments! I'll leave the rest to you!" Naomi sweat-dropped, and let her head hit the table. It would appear her workload had just increased exponentially…
As for the second ticket, it was used for Crystal Hitoshi-kun.